02x08 - Appropriately Sized Pots

[bunniefuu]

[ Gate Closes ]

[ Woman ]
♪ The animals, the animals ♪

♪ Trapped, trapped, trapped
till the cage is full ♪

♪ The cage is full
The day is new ♪

♪ And everyone is waiting,
waiting on you ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

♪ Think of all the roads ♪

♪ Think of all their crossings ♪

♪ Taking steps is easy ♪

♪ Standing still is hard ♪

♪ Remember all their faces ♪

♪ Remember all their voices ♪

♪ Everything is different ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

[ Gate Closes, Lock Clicks ]

♪ And you've got time ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪♪

[ Gate Closes, Lock Clicks ]

The doctor recommends...

a bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy.

Who doesn't love a surgery
with “ooph” in it?

[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, well, uh...

the, uh, DOC...

has set certain limits on invasive-

It's not gonna happen.

You're- You're not out of options.

- We'll stick with the chemo.
- “We”?

You got cancer in your ovaries too?

I'm your counselor.
I'm here to help you through this.

There is no “through this.”

- I'm gonna die.
- Hey, come on, now.

You could live for years.

- That's a f*cking lie.
- Language!

Look, I know this is difficult for you.

My cousin had lung cancer.

It didn't look good for him,
but he stuck with the chemo...

and now he's back
fixing roofs in Oneonta.

Lucky dog, your cousin.

Me? Dead duck.

You have to try to remain positive.

No one knows the future.

Doctors know the future.

They think I need the surgery.

I wish I could help you.

But it's out of your hands.

It's always out of your hands.

You're all the same.

Useless.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

Ripped By mstoll

- Okay?
- Mm-hmm.

¿ Si?

Okay.

Suits! On the floor! Down!

[ Woman Whimpering ]

[ Marco ]
Just stay down.

[ Whimpering ]

No dye packs.
Don't want no Smurf money.

Fill the bag.

Don't.

- [ Alarm Ringing ]
- [ g*n Clicks ]

[ Customers Screaming ]

Stop.

[ Sniffs ]

[ Groans ]

He got hit?

We could take him to that vet.

Marco.

Marco?

Looking good, Red.
You got a green thumb. Look at this.

It's not rocket science.

What's that?

Oh. I was thinking
I could take a little area...

for my own guys to bust out a little.

- What are you planting?
- Vegetables.

Don't worry.
I'll take care of 'em myself.

Come in in the morning,
sing 'em a little song.

Every morning?

Well, when it gets warmer,
I'll move them outside.

Are you sure it's not too early?

If they grow too big in here,
they might not transplant well.

That's just little bitch vegetables,
like squash.

Broccoli is no p*ssy.

Don't worry.
I know what I'm talkin' about.

This pot is way too big
for this seedling.

You got to make sure you're
getting proper drainage here.

Don't!

That's Jimmy's pot.

It's a beanstalk.

She thought she was going
to steal a harp from a giant.

It was a whole-

Okay.

If you're worried about the drainage...

maybe you could buy me
some smaller pots.

Yeah. It'll probably do just fine.

Leave your seeds.
I'll get your plants going.

Nah. Truth is,
I like doing it myself.

Therapeutic.

See you tomorrow.

Good job.

I have to say...

there is something gratifying
about this, you know?

Washing someone else's clothes...

being of service
to another human being.

Well, just wait till you come across
some of them period-soaked panties...

or the sh*t stains on the undies...

and see how gratified you are.

[ Blows Raspberry ]

I get what you're saying, Soso.

Taking something dirty,
making it not dirty no more.

And, uh, speaking of washin'...

you see they got a new kind of deodorant
down at commissary?

- Powder-fresh scent.
- ls that right?

Yeah, I'm gonna have
to go check that out.

Guys, antiperspirant
is so bad for you.

You know it's completely toxic.

Our bodies are meant
to breathe free.

“Breathe.” Yeah.

Yeah. You know, that makes me wish
that we had some windows down here...

so we could air out the place,
you know?

Yeah, they're trying to say you stink.

I do?

We know it's hard to get out
of that depression-funk thing...

when you first get here, but-

[ Clears Throat ]
You reek.

Go take a shower.

All right, Tucky, lay off.

Excuse me?
Leanne, you lay off.

'Cause the Leanne I knew
would have told this dirty hippie...

to go wash her hairy pits and her parts.

But instead, you're off
making new friends now, aren't ya?

Hmm. How's that going?
I can't imagine well.

Because a real friend doesn't have to
dance around a subject...

and a real friend
just tells it like it is.

Watch and learn.

You smell like a f*ckin' turtle t*nk.
Go take a f*ckin' shower.

You try washing an 80-year-old woman...

when she's forgotten
to shower for a month.

Strange things grow in the folds.

We hid Jimmy's condition for years.

Spent half our days tracking her down
when she wandered...

trying to get her back
in time for count...

watching her get worse every day.

How is she gonna eat?

How is she gonna
take care of herself?

She'll end up on the street, and then-

- My guess- dead in a week.
- Oh.

Don't get us wrong.
It's disgusting what they done.

And she is-
was a lovely woman.

So, compassionate release
is really just a dump and run.

More like dump and sidle away
like the sneaky, shitty spiders they are.

I know this guy, a reporter.
He might be able to help.

“Demented Granny Set Free”
ain't a sexy headline, and it ain't news.

No one gives a sh*t
about old ladies.

We remind everyone
that they're gonna die.

I don't feel that way.

I find it comforting
to be around old people.

Glad we could be of service.

My grandmother is dying.

Sorry to hear that.

She taught me how to knit.

I made a blanket
for my stuffed monkey.

- Took me six months.
- [ Laughs ]

And then my mother sold it
at a yard sale for a quarter.

Your mom sounds like a twat.

She can be.

But not my grandmother, no.

When Granddad d*ed, she taught herself
how to invest in the stock market...

and got really, really good at it.

She bought herself
a house in Wellfleet...

and she started kayaking.

She always used to say to me,
“Go out and eat the world, Piper.

Don't you get stuck at home
with some man.”

I may have taken that
last part too literally.

Chapman.

Let me guess.

“Dear Miss Chapman,
no one gets furlough.

Not you, not anyone,
but especially not you.

Love, the DOC.”

- Am I warm?
- You got your furlough.

- Funny.
- Watch the sarcasm.

I made a few phone calls,
moved the process along.

You get to go and say good-bye
to your nana.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Are you- Are you serious?

Don't ask questions, Chapman.

Just say “thank you.”

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Healy.
Thank you.

Okay. You're welcome.

You're welcome, Chapman.
You're welcome.

Did- Did he say “furlough”?

You're deaf as a post, honey.

No one gets a furlough.

Good morning.

Morning. How are you?

Good morning, sunshine.

- What's this?
- It's a hot chocolate.

A little sweet for my... you.

Thanks, Joel.

[ Gags ]

- Was it too hot?
- Is there schnapps in this?

Yeah. That one's mine.

Ugh. What's wrong with you?

- Babe, it's for flavor.
- Don't call me babe.

You can't call me babe
if you can't return my texts.

How many times do I have to tell you?
I don't text.

All right? If you want
to talk to me, call.

Or drive over to my house, you know.

But after midnight,
when my roommate's sleeping.

Caputo, look at this. Do you see this?
Do you f*cking see this?

Your shoe? I see your shoe.
It's a nice shoe.

- “Nice”?
- High.

These are f*cking Louboutins
with gum on the sole.

I stepped in gum
not two feet into the building.

Where are the prisoners getting gum?

Gum is contraband.

Caputo, how the hell is it
getting in, chewed, dropped...

and stuck to the bottom
of my very expensive shoe?

- I don't know.
- And that's what concerns me.

I'm enforcing your sh*t quota.

I'm doing everything I can.

Well, do better.
Take control.

- You, do you work here?
- Yes, ma'am.

Don't call me “ma'am.” I'm not an old lady
you're bagging groceries for.

You're a correctional officer.

Your job is to enforce the rules.

- Do you know what the rules are?
- Yes.

Because right now, looking in
an arbitrary direction, I see large earrings.

I see unapproved makeup.
Am I the only one who sees this?

Do I have super vision?

Am I like the boy
in The Sixth Sense...

who sees infractions
no one else sees?

Am I in a f*cking
M. Night “Shalamalama” movie...

or is that inmate wearing
green eye shadow?

I think its pronounced Shyamalan.

I, uh, better get back to work.

Miss Figueroa,
everyone wears makeup.

Oh, good. I'm not crazy.

So, are you gonna do something about it,
or are you just here for decoration?

Inmate, hold up.

That was totally unnecessary.

Oh, did I make her sad puppy-dog eyes
look even sadder?

I know you have some kind of pathetic
“Love is...” cartoon crush on her...

but this isn't high school.

Do your job,
or I will find someone who will.

And make this one take a shower.

I'm so f*cking tired all the time.

I fall asleep everywhere.
It's like I'm a necrophiliac.

You guys come up
with a plan yet or what?

Last idea was to pretend I'm fat...

have it in the broom closet,
and then sneak it out in his leg.

But I'm pretty sure he was kidding.

He could be on to something
though, you know?

People around here seem
to have all sorts of ways of getting sh*t in...

so maybe you could
figure out the reverse.

The top's extra for my kitchen.

The bottom's some perks for my girls.

- Don't want any drama.
- No drama.

Just business.

[ Groans ]

Hey, lady, are you taking her blood
or giving her a tattoo?

- I'm doing my best.
- Yeah, well, your best sucks.

Maybe you'll start vomiting soon
so you can't talk so much, yes?

Go stick your head in a bucket.

Thank you for defending
my veins, bucket boy.

Yeah, well, she's a useless bitch.

She's a drunk.

- What are you talking about?
- Watch.

She'll drop off the blood
at the window...

circle back to the cabinet,
where they keep their purses.

Then she'll turn her back...

and she'll take a slug of something.

Then close it up...

and pop a piece of gum
into her mouth.

She's like clockwork.

Every 20 minutes or so.

sh*t.

You've been casing the joint.

We got time here.
You're not that interesting.

Okay, okay.

So, if you were gonna pull off a heist
in this room right now, how would you do it?

One last heist before I go?

- This isn't the movies, kid.
- No.

Come on, humor me.
I have cancer.

Who's the mark, smart-ass?

Drunky bitch.
Yeah, let's steal her wallet.

Okay, fine. I'll play.

We're lucky today.
I got CO Ford.

He actually gets off his ass
to check the driver once an hour.

Takes five minutes.

Then he takes a bathroom break.

- Two minutes.
- Good.

Then he takes a coffee.
That's another four, tops.

And the receptionist is a smoker.

She takes a break
every three hours on the dot.

So, how do I know
which purse is Drunky's?

Feel for the one with the flask.

Smokey's last break
was... an hour-15 ago.

So, what?
Do we just- just wait?

We wait.

It'd be faster if you go down Steinway.

Except there's construction.

Andy, you got to find
a way around it, okay?

- No problem.
- Will you two stop? Hey, this is work.

Work now, ass-play later.
I got it.

Okay, listen.

We're looking at three tellers
and one guard.

I'll cover the guard.

Don, you do the cash, okay?

And we gotta do this before noon...

because it's Friday,
and they add extra people in after lunch.

Can you handle the guard?

This f*cking guy.

Could I handle the guard in Bayside?

The two in First National?

Wasn't me who freaked out
at Commerce Bank, was it, Don?

Okay.

- We ready to roll?
- I'm off.

Hold up.
One more thing.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

Ah, you gotta do this every time?

It's good luck.

Pull over. Pull over here.
There's the car.

Andy, what are you doing?
We gotta do the switch.

- Let's go.
- I need a minute.

Papi, we don't got minutes.
Come on. There's no time to rest.

Rosa!

- I think he's having a heart att*ck.
- Let's go.

Please don't do this, papi.
Please, okay?

We got to see Niagara Falls, okay?
We got tickets to Cats.

Please, papi. Please.

Dios mío, papi.

[ Horn Honks ]

Oh, my God.
This can't be happening again.

Not again.
[ Crying ]

Papi, please.

[ Mutters In Spanish ]

[ On Recording ]
Hello. You've reached Carol Chapman.

Please leave your name, number
and an ever-so-brief message...

- and I'll return your call at my earliest-
- My God. Where are they?

One call per inmate.
There's a line.

- That wasn't even a call.
- You hung up. Get back in line.

I need to make arrangements
for my furlough.

Fine.

Sure, it's dry for a Veltliner.
Grüner Veltliner is a sweet wine.

I told you he doesn't like sweet wines.

That's why you didn't get the contract.

Meanwhile, she's dictating a novel.

You, Chapman.

- That lip gloss?
- No. No, no. Nope.

These are just my lips.

- What about the eyelashes?
- I was born with them.

Fine.

[ Woman Sobbing ]
You wouldn't have let me down.

sh*t.

It's supposed to light on fire.

That's the dumbest f*cking thing
I've ever seen.

Hey, am I wrong to assume that you and
Fischer have been riding the hobbyhorse?

I don't kiss and tell,
but, uh, I f*cked her.

No, you didn't.

I grabbed her boobs.

- No, you didn't.
- No, I did.

Really? Hmm.

That's farther than I got.

- Jealous?
- Nah.

Not at all. Now I know
she has horrible taste.

- Hey.
- Whoa.

Mm-hmm. Told you.

- How does that even work?
- God, you're head of electrical.

Yeah, I know, but how's that work?

- Luschek.
- Inmate.

There better be a dozen batteries there.

Count them again.

Uh, one, two, three.

f*ck, man. What-
What comes after three? I forgot.

You haven't been smoking
out here, have you?

Why do you assume I'm a smoker?

'Cause you grew up in Oswego.

Well, I quit.

More, uh, money for whiskey.

I smell smoke.

Is that mascara?
Why do you have mascara?

'Cause they sell it at commissary.

- Keep your people in line.
- All right.

Now, what are those tits like?

That article keeps on cutting off my comic.
Now they got no feet.

Oh, she's wearing heels.
Now I get who the pig is.

You should have her
holding money bags too.

“Dear Flaca, my bunkie's lifting my sh*t.

How should I handle the situation?”

- You can't say “sh*t.”
- Well, can I say “bitch”?

'Cause here's what Flaca's saying.

Try to reason with the bitch
to lay off the sticky fingers...

but if she doesn't listen, drag her
to a place where no one can see...

and bash her head real good.

Shh!

- Jesus saw that.
- You can't write any of that.

You know that the administration
needs to approve all of this.

Why don't you tell her to go buy
a sturdy lock at the commissary?

That's what I'm saying.

Buy a lock, stick it in a sock
and slock the bitch down.

No. We have to finish this up.

This has to be done by tomorrow.

- I thought we had till Tuesday.
- Mm-mmm.

- I won't be here Tuesday.
- Oh, what? You're taking a personal day?

- No. I got furlough.
- For real?

- Wait. No f*cking way.
- Yeah.

My grandmother's sick.
I applied, and it went through.

I applied too.
I even had people call the warden.

That sh*t never works.

I know. I had almost
completely given up.

Now I get to go say good-bye,
tell her how much I love her.

Yo, get that sh*t out of the way
like in five minutes.

Say what you gotta say,
like, super quick.

Then be like,
“Peace, abuelita.

I'll be in the club with my Long Island
and my fatty, making it clap.”

No way that white ass
is gonna clap.

Hey, hey, hey.

Girls are gonna be pissed at you.

I kind of want to punch you right now.
You better watch your back.

- You got furlough, Chapman?
- I did.

I've been in the Catholic church
a lot of years...

and this is my first
honest-to-goodness miracle.

- Use it well.
- I will.

I'm gonna go and be
with my grandmother...

and ask her all the questions
I never got to ask.

What is that?

Smoothie. Uh, kale and dates
and, um, almond milk.

- You smoke?
- No.

But I chew tobacco sometimes.

Chewing tobacco defeats
the purpose of drinking kale, doesn't it?

Well, I like to think that
they cancel each other out, maybe.

Um, can I- can I help you
with something or-

- Contraband.
- Right.

I feel like I'm playing
Whac-A-Mole here.

I-I b*at it down in one place,
and it- it pops up in another.

- Yeah.
- You need to tell me if you see anything.

- Yeah, of course. Yeah.
- Yeah?

Don't you dare try
to protect anyone.

I know it's hard.
I know you make friends in this place.

- No, I-l don't. I don't-
- You do. It happens.

Sometimes you don't even
realize it's happening...

and all of a sudden,
you find yourself trusting somebody.

You're asking somebody advice.

That person is not your friend.

That person-

Wh-What?

f*ck.

The f*ck!

f*ck!

f*ck!

Oh, hey. Look at me.
I'm still here.

I'm just doing my job, Morello.

Fischer never came to visit
when she had Rosa.

You know what she'd do?

She'd bring me a Heath bar
and a cold Dr. Pepper at the end of the day.

Isn't that thoughtful? Oh!

Maybe you could do that
when you come to check on me.

I'll see you in an hour, Morello.

Okay. Fine, fine. Maybe you could just bring me
an empty bottle I could pee into.

I can't leave the van, right?

Oh, you can get out and take a squat
in the back and then get back in.

Okay. Great. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Uh, well, I'm going off
to the bathroom.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

Nurse. Nurse?

Can you come over here, please?

- Is everything okay?
- I think my port is leaking.

Uh, no. Looks fine to me.

Oh, what a- what a beautiful ring.

Oh. What is that?
Two carats?

It is. What?
Were you a jewel thief?

Nah, that was never my main gig,
but I like the bling.

- Six grand?
- Warm.

Seven? Eight?

Eight and a half. My fiancé is
a regional manager for Foodtown.

- He had to save up for-
- Good for him.

I'm a little thirsty.
I'll have some water, please.

Oh. Yeah, sure.

It was a false alarm.

What the f*ck, kid?

[ Wheezy Laughing ]

I never thought
I'd get so excited over $63.

- Twenty dollars?
- That's your cut.

- I did all the work.
- I was the brains of the operation.

- Yusef Miremadi?
- She was the brains.

Your mom is here.

- The doctor needs to speak with you.
- Mama's boy.

Uh, I will be back.

Okay, but this is not enough.

It's never enough.

Fifty grand!
[ Sniffs ]

- We're not home yet. Cool it.
- Oh, he's so serious.

Come on. We kissed before.
It's time for the after-kiss.

You know I won't do that.

No. It's bad luck.

Cut it out.
We got to drive more.

Pull over right here.

You're all hot from the job?

Fine.

What are you doing?

I don't want to f*ck now.
I'm gonna rob that bank.

- We just did one.
- Let's do one more.

We don't know nothing
about that bank, okay?

We don't know who's working,
where the alarms are.

All right, this is crazy.
I'm not doing it.

Then I don't need you.

Yes, you do need me, Rosa.

What are you doing?

Look at you thinking you all hot sh*t
'cause you got furlough.

I ought to give you a skullet.

- What's a skullet?
- A mullet with the top shaved.

Ooh.

Well, you might as well.
My family is expecting a hardened felon.

It would be nice to meet
their expectations for once.

You got 48 hours
in the free world, kid.

Got big plans?

Be with my family.

Watch my grandmother fade away.

Ah, come on.
That can't be it.

You gonna stay with your husband?

No- Well, he's not my husband.

And I don't even know
if we're friends anymore.

I mean, when I think of my home,
I think of where we live together...

but I don't live there anymore.

I don't even know
if my stuff is still there.

I don't even know if my lotions
are on the sink...

or if he took them all
and he put them in a bag...

and they're all just leaking
all over each other...

or if he just left them there.

Be- God forbid
he should change...

or do or notice anything.

Things are a little complicated
between us right now.

- [ Laughs ]
- So, how'd you do it, Chapman?

Did you give Healy
a little reach-around?

God, no, no. No!

No. I think that they might have
finally taken pity on me.

I mean, I'm about to lose
somebody that I love.

Maybe- Maybe this prison
has a heart after all.

Bullshit! I applied twice.

When my husband had
open-heart surgery...

and for the birth
of my first grandchild.

They told me to go f*ck myself.

Never held the baby...

and I love me
some baby-holding.

I applied too.

- Nothing.
- What for?

My father had a lung transplant
that didn't take.

We hadn't spoken
since I transitioned.

He was a real hard-ass.

But in the end,
he started asking for me.

He even used my new name-

Sophia.

People get soft, you know,
when they dying.

If I could have seen him,
I don't know.

May have felt like closure.

But we don't get a lot of that
in this life, now, do we?

Add it to my list of regrets.

But grandmothers-
they important too.

What are you doing?
What are you looking for?

Use your words.

- Where is it?
- What? The cilantro?

The squash?

Are you gonna smash every pot?

You bet your ass. This is the last time, Red,
you pull one over on me.

All right. Let me help you.

What?

Isn't this what we're doing now?

Isn't this what we're doing?

Here. This is the last one.

You want to do the honors?

No?

Okay then. That's that.

I hope it was therapeutic for you.

I don't mind being criticized.
It's not that.

I just think that if she's
so set on enforcing the rules...

then maybe she shouldn't undermine
my authority in front of the inmates.

Some of us control with muscle.
Some of us control with charm.

- You know, you and me, we're charm.
- [Snickers]

Something funny?

This whole sh*t quota
is a bad idea.

It's making things
harder for everyone.

And all the friggin' paperwork.

I don't mind the paperwork.
Gives me a chance to get off my feet.

But what if you're tied up doing paperwork
and a fight breaks out...

and it turns into a prison riot
and you could have stopped it...

but you didn't because
you were in your office doing paperwork?

You ever have those dreams
where you save everybody?

Sometimes.

One time, I received
the Congressional Medal of Honor.

Nice.

[ Mouthing Words ]

What?

You got something to say?
Out with it.

We don't think
the sh*t quota's reasonable.

It doesn't improve conditions.

It creates mistrust between
the inmates and the staff.

You'd like them to trust you more?

I'd like them to think that when
they're disciplined, it's justified.

Otherwise, why follow the rules at all?
The same goes for us.

I don't think it's fair that I was yelled at.

In order for me to run this facility...

I need all of you to comply
with my directives...

whether you find them
reasonable or not.

The rules come from the top down.

But there are rules that
we don't even enforce consistently...

and then we get blamed.

Fischer, this is not the appropriate time
or place to air your complaint.

Well, Mr. Caputo, I'm sorry,
but I have to speak my mind.

You can't just punish someone arbitrarily
to make an example of them.

- You're fired.
- What?

I tried to warn you.

You'll be paid through
the end of the month.

Does anyone else have the burning desire
to speak their mind?

- Mm-mmm.
- Mm-mmm.

Good.

Oh, Blanca, Blanca.
I got that.

I got that.
Go clean the mixer.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

Please. That girl's as useless as balls
on a dildo since she came back from Seg.

And she was there what?
Three minutes?

- Can I help you?
- Brought you a gift.

I don't need no more
stale-ass tobacco.

This is to make up for that.

This is fresh, I promise. Put some
peppermint in it, turned it into a menthol.

CO catches you back here,
you gonna get a sh*t.

So, uh, you and Red
on friendly terms now?

- Doesn't concern you.
- [ Laughs ]

Damn, that woman knows how to-
how to run a game on people.

I could tell you some stories.

Have you ever heard of the fable
of the- the scorpion and the frog?

What? I'm the f*ckin' frog?

You two in cahoots?
I know she's doing business.

Let me guess. You've got a vendor connection,
and she's handling your sales.

I'm just here to cook. Whatever Red's
got going got nothing to do with me.

You want a partner?

I promise, I'm a much better bet...

because all Red wants is
to get her kitchen back.

[ Chuckles ]
You listen to me.

Whatever you think you know,
you don't.

I'm keeping my hands clean,
my sh*t polished.

I got no connections with vendors
or illegal swag coming through.

And I don't trust any of you crazy b*tches.

You're both f*ckin' scorpions.

♪♪ [ Muffled Rock ]

sh*t.

Oh, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t. f*ck.

Hey, listen, in-
in the grand scheme of things...

I mean, what's a cigarette, really?
It's a plant and some paper.

When you think about
all the horrible things I could be doing.

Smoke all you want.
I don't care anymore.

I got fired.

Oh. Hey, good for you.

You don't get it. What am I gonna do now?
I'm not good at stuff.

Well, for sure
you weren't great at this.

Uh, but that reflects
highly on you. Trust me.

I had medical and dental.
I was paying off my Kia.

You're a decent human being.

Getting canned from
this soul-sucking pit...

is the best thing
that ever happened to you.

Go home, take a hot bath...

and start looking
into technical colleges or cosmetology.

Learn to wax armpits and vag lips.

There's a million things
out there for you.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah, sh**t.

Like, a while back,
were you hitting on me?

We don't dream, we die, right?

So, how'd I do?

- I thought about it.
- Seriously?

Not in a thousand years.

- But thank you.
- [ Exhales ]

Susan, pack your sh*t...

and get the f*ck outta here.

- Are you gonna be okay?
- It is what it is.

♪♪ [ Resumes ]

Babe, you got fired?

Lame.

[ Woman Crying ]

Let me go see him.

We need to get back.

It's all part of my escape plan.

He's going to distract you
with his tears.

Just give me a second.

It's the f*cking curse.

I pull you in.
I don't kiss you.

But still, we did a job.

What are you talking about?

I told you,
all the men in my life die.

I'm not a man in your life, okay?

You said so yourself.
I'm a little sh*t pot.

You're too f*cking young to die!

So I'm not gonna die,
but I'm done with chemo.

- I'm in remission.
- [ Laughing ]

Listen, Rosa, it's been
a lot of fun hanging out.

It's been a trip.

Congratulations.

Enjoy prison.

Enjoy your life, sh*t pot.

[ Laughing ]

So?

What should I say?

You was right?
I was wrong?

I should have stuck with the band.

I'm clearly not a solo artist.

But at least you're still alive.

- The curse never got you.
- Well, I never did the after-kiss.

Maybe that's what saved me.

Why did I do that?

You didn't want to f*ck me.

Oh, but I did.

Just on a bigger bed of money.

Greedy me.

I miss the smell, Donny.

I love the smell of cash, man.

The excitement,
the performance, the rush.

[ Sighs ]

What am I gonna do
in here for kicks?

- [ Buzzer Sounds ]
- [ Gate Closes ]

Man, Chapman been getting special treatment
since the minute she got here.

It figures she'd be
the first to get furlough.

Man, I f*cking blew it.

I had a solid two weeks
out of this joint...

and I wasted half that time
looking for your sorry ass.

f*ck that. You found time to violate your probation
and land your wide butt back up in here.

Bitch, at least you seen daylight
outside this fence.

sh*t, man, I tried for six months
to get furlough.

Clearly, a dead black mama ain't no
competition for a sick old white granny.

You and your man aren't even
together no more. What a waste.

If I got out, me and Cesar
would be f*cking all damn day.

Diablo and I would go
all day and all night.

Sick abuela.
[ Snickers ]

The f*ck you came up
with that one?

Christ, Chapman, everybody
hates your f*cking guts.

Yeah. What else is new?

“Jealousy is as fierce as the grave.”

- The Song of Solomon.
- Toni Morrison?

- The Bible, sweetie.
- [ Thuds ]

Man, people's parents
f*cking go.

Got sick people in here
can't get proper treatment.

Chapman ain't got
no strife in her life...

but bitch gets the red carpet
laid out for her.

The new Jim Crow.

Bitch probably got down on her knees.

Took a mouthful
of that pink Healy d*ck.

Yes, I am white!

We have established that!

And I got furlough too.

I guess white privilege wins again.

And as a speaker
for the entire white race...

I would like to say I am sorry
that you guys got the raw deal.

But I love my f*cking grandmother.

And yeah, yeah,
she may be a whitey too...

but she's a f*cking person...

and she's sick...

and she needs me.

So shut the f*ck up.

[ Gasping, Laughing ]

Ooh!

It's not my problem. You and Vee got beef,
don't drag me into your sh*t.

I thought Puerto Ricans
hated black people.

- We don't like Russians neither.
- She's a bully.

You're both f*ckin' bullies,
and I don't trust neither one of you.

Now, I said that
I would help you, and I did...

but I am not gonna get
caught up in the middle...

of some whitey versus blackie w*r.

Y'all got history.
I want nothing to do with that.

- I'll get it out as soon as I can.
- You got tres días.

That's “three days” in English.

Sí, señora.

In the meantime, is that really
the best that you can do?

What? [ Chuckles ]
I saved your ass, bitch.

Here's your sh*t
all safe and sound.

You want Caputo playing “hot and cold”
in your greenhouse?

'Cause we can go right back
to your little planter system right now.

Okay, okay.
I appreciate the gesture.

Give me a little time
for things to cool down.

I've got your order coming.
Deal's still on.

We're good, you and me, huh?
We're good.

[ Man On PA ] TB testing for high-risk inmates
0730 hours in the infirmary.

Mr. Healy, I can't take my furlough.

I want to give it back.

There are people here
who are way more needy.

There are people here
whose parents are sick- children.

Christ's sake.
What is with you?

Look, I don't even understand
why you did this for me.

You hate me.
Nobody gets this.

Chapman, I spent my morning
telling an old lady...

that she has terminal cancer...

and that the DOC
won't cover her surgery.

And she said I was useless.

And you know what?
She was right.

When I started this job,
I was very idealistic.

I was gonna make a difference.

But I'm a paper-pusher.
I fill out forms.

Most of what I do
is I keep you safe and clean.

And occasionally,
once in a blue moon...

I get an opportunity to give
one of those forms an extra nudge.

Most people would be grateful.

I was.

lam.

Until it turned me into a target.

There's no taking back furlough.

When your ride is ready, you be in that car
on your way to see your sick grandmother.

And girls will talk...

and they'll get jealous...

and, yes, it's possible they may
even try to slock you in your sleep.

But ignore them.

Chapman, people die,
and you don't get that moment back.

So you go and see her,
and you tell her how much you love her...

and you tell her how sorry you are
for letting her down.

You clear your conscience.

This is about saying good-bye.

I'm giving you that.

Take it.

Okay, I will.

That wasn't bad, your counseling.

You did a good job.

Good morning.

I brought you some plants.

They're in smaller pots, you see?

- You gonna grow 'em in here?
- No. These are for you.

Uh, I'm not gonna grow in here.

I don't have the time.

I'll find some other way to relax.

Make sure Red gets those, okay?

If you had one day on the outside,
how would you spend it?

Oh, go to my market,
taste the pirozhkis...

make sure Dmitri hasn't
let it all go to sh*t.

The what? The piroso- pirosis?

Pirozhkis.

Stuffed buns, like a meat pie.

I was famous for them.

On Sunday, there would be
a line out the door.

It was my favorite day.

I'd imagine the families
laughing, talking-

[ Chuckles ]
fighting...

all while enjoying my pirozhkis.

It's in Queens.

A quick ride on the “N” train.

Will you go?

- To your place?
- I wouldn't ask if I wasn't worried.

I need someone to check it out.

Order a sandwich, take a look.

Let me know how it's running.

Can't you ask your sons?

I don't think they're
being honest with me.

I know you have family business.

I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important.

I'm not sure I-
I need to be at the hospital.

Of course.

I don't know if I'll have time.

- I'll go if I can.
- Only if you have time.

How do you say that?
Pirosis?

Pirozhkis.

The best.

Hell, what's with the backup?

Latin girls have a lot of hair.

This is not right.

You cannot force me to shower.
I'm not hurting anybody.

My nose would disagree,
and four complaints have been filed.

It's in the rules-
you shower regularly.

- Who determines what's regular?
- Christ, let's go to “C” block.

No! I refuse!

I'm demonstrating
passive resistance.

We're demonstrating
aggressive aggression!

Let's go, Pocahontas.

- Off with it, Soso!
- No.

[ Crying ]

[ Black Cindy ]
You better wash fast, bitch...

because a sh*t storm coming up
out of there any second now.

[ Whimpering ]

Hey, hey, hey! Kojak.

How'd it go yesterday?
Did you see your little friend?

- He's in remission.
- Oh!

That's wonderful, right?

Wonderful for him.

Come on. Soon you'll be getting
your clean bill of health.

No. Soon I'm gonna be dead.

I always pictured myself...

going out in a blaze of glory.

Hail of g*nf*re...

screech of tires.

But this kind of death-

this slow...

invisible disappearing into nothing?

It's terrifying.

I'm gonna go back to sleep now.

The chemo- it wipes me out.

Yeah.

You do that.

[ Man On PA ] Any available officers
to the admin building...

for prisoner transport.

[ Sniffing ]

[ Sighs ]

- Hello?
- Mom.

God, I've been trying to get in touch
with you guys for the past day.

- My furlough went through.
- Piper?

So, I need Daddy's
license plate number or Cal's.

Who's coming?
And, uh, a change of clothes.

- Piper.
- Change of clothes.

Um, tell Larry the blue sweater.
I think it's at Polly's.

Grandmother's gone.

She passed last night.

But I'm getting out.

Honey?

I missed it.

I missed it.

You were there in spirit.

Piper?

[ Crying ]

[ Door Opens ]

Yes, Joe?

I terminated Fischer yesterday.

She needs to get paid
through the end of the month.

That must have been hard for you.

Please don't start.
We're already understaffed.

She had value.

I suppose you must have thought so.

We're not gonna get stuck
with a sexual harassment suit, are we?

[ Sighs ]

Good.
As for the staffing issue...

I understand it's hard
to find quality people.

It takes a certain kind
of je ne sais quoi...

to be effective in this environment.

Je ne sais quoi doesn't
always work for 18 an hour.

I hire the best people I can find.

I know, and you're overwhelmed.

But we need some more muscle in here.
I'm gonna help you out.

I'll do my own hiring, thank you.

It's already been taken care of.

[ Vehicle Revving ]

♪ Bitchin' Camaro, bitchin' Camaro
I ran over my neighbors ♪

♪ Bitchin' Camaro, bitchin' Camaro
Now I'm in all the papers ♪

♪ My folks bought me a bitchin' Camaro
with no lhsurance to match ♪

♪ So if I happen to run you down,
please don't leave a scratch ♪

♪ I ran over some old lady
one night at the county fair ♪

♪ And I didn't get arrested
because my dad's the mayor ♪

♪ Bitchin' Camaro, bitchin' Camaro
Doughnuts on your lawn ♪

♪ Bitchin' Camaro, bitchin' Camaro
Tony Orlando and Dawn ♪

♪ When I drive past the kids,
they all spit and cuss ♪

♪ 'Cause I've got a bitchin' Camaro ♪

♪ And they have to ride the bus ♪

♪ So you'd better get out of my way ♪

♪ When I come through your yard ♪

♪ 'Cause I've got a bitchin' Camaro ♪

♪ And an Exxon credit card ♪

♪ Bitchin' Camaro, bitchin' Camaro ♪

♪ I ran over my neighbors ♪

♪ Bitchin' Camaro, bitchin' Camaro ♪

♪ Now I'm in all the papers ♪

♪ My folks bought me a bitchin' Camaro ♪

♪ With no insurance to match ♪

♪ So if I happen to run you down ♪

♪ Please don't leave a scratch ♪

♪ Bitchin' Camaro, bitchin' Camaro ♪

♪ Hey, man, where ya headed? ♪

♪ Bitchin' Camaro, bitchin' Camaro ♪

♪ I'm drunk on unleaded ♪♪