05x07 - The Chick Whisperer

Episode transcripts for the TV show "According to Jim". Aired: October 3, 2001 to June 2, 2009.*
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A comedy following a suburban macho husband, wife and their three children.
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05x07 - The Chick Whisperer

Post by bunniefuu »

So, bernice, uh...

Andy says that you guys met at coulier's.

Do you go there often?

Every other tuesday. (Cheryl) mm.

It's d.m.v. Employee night,

So the whole g*ng goes down there.

Oh. (Chuckles) well, do they

Make you stand at the bar for minutes

And then tell you you don't have the right form for the drink?

Our average wait time is minutes.

Okay, uh, bernice, may I offer you more coffee?

Actually, bernice has a serious bladder issue.

Found that out at the drive-in.

Hey, guys. I'm so sorry. I fell asleep with the girls.

(Cheryl) oh.

Could be chronic fatigue or depression. I have both.

Hi, I'm dana. Bernice.

Hi. Sorry, my arm fell asleep.

Ow! Oh!

I am so sorry.

That's all right. We all wanted to do that.

Dana! Oh, my god!

Bernice, are you okay?

I've got temporal mandibular syndrome.

Okay, you know what? Maybe we should call it a night.

Thanks, andy. You are so kind.

Yeah.

See ya.

♪♪♪

Andy, what are you doing dating some d.m.v. Chick?

I thought your low point was when your mail order bride

Left you to go back to her w*r-torn homeland.

She didn't leave me. They called up her unit.

(Jim) oh.

Andy. Andy...

Would you just let me set you up with connie

From our yoga class? You guys have a lot in common.

You--you can't put two desperate losers together

And expect somethin' to happen.

Jim... Connie is not a loser.

Cheryl, putting people together is an art.

It's a science. It's a... Art-science, if you will.

All right? You need-- you need someone with wisdom

And experience to help you find the right girl.

Okay, and let me guess. That someone is you.

Cheryl, you don't have to guess. It is me.

Right.

You know. Andrew, listen to me.

I come from a-- a long tradition, all right? Ahem.

The early settlers used to call us chick whisperers.

We thrived on this continent for--for centuries.

And then when they cut down all the forests,

We kind of migrated into the singles bars.

Well, whatever I'm doin' now isn't workin'.

What do I got to lose?

Pounds and a p*rn addiction?

Andy, jim does not know what he's talking about.

(Jim) what? I'm very good at this.

My friends call me the matchmaker.

Matchmaker? Yes!

Just because you can put a shirt and pants together

Doesn't make you a matchmaker.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, andy, think about it.

Would you rather take advice from a guy who married up

Or a woman who married down?

Sorry, sis.

Aah!





So I just talk into this button on my cuff and you'll hear me?

Yeah, yeah. See? Here.

I got the receiver in my ear here.

It'll pick up everything.

Go ahead, test it out.

Hello, chicago! Ow!

Are you ready to rock?! Ow!

Stupid jerk!

Aah.

Come on. Stay focused here.

You wanna find a woman of quality or not?

Yeah, of course, of course. All right. Okay, okay.

Check out the redhead behind me.

Ooh. Pretty.

No adam's apple. I'm seeing green lights.

Wrong, wrong. What's she drinkin'? What's she drinkin'?

Lemon drop martini.

Right. High maintenance.

We wanna find a girl who's drinkin' white wine.

Yes, yes, yes. White wine.

Educated and unpretentious. Mm-hmm.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, jim! Jim! Look! How about her?

You got a good eye,

But she's chewin' pretty hard on that straw.

It means she's an angry woman.

All right? Do you want an angry woman?

Sometimes it's nice.

Bingo. Hot chick right there in the red top.

Oh, but she's gorgeous.

Way out of my league. You want me to help ya,

Or do you wanna drive down to the train yard

And find a girl who's rubbin' her hands

Over a burning trash can?

Sometimes it's nice.

Ah, come on.

All right. All right.

Now just follow my instructions. Yeah.

Be confident. Can you hear me?

(Whispers) yes. Okay.

Now put your hand over your head.

Smell your armpit.

Now turn around and adjust your crotch.

Jim! All right! Ow! Easy! Ow! Jeez!

I thought you were helpin' me. All right, all right!

Okay, now let's start with a compliment.

Okay, uh, you look great in those pants, jim.

The girl, the girl.

Say somethin' like, uh,

Heaven must be missing an angel tonight

Because you're right here on earth.

I'm not saying that. That's corny.

Corny is good. Women love corny. Just do it.

No way! What?

I, uh, I said, oh, hey.

(Chuckles) uh, heaven...

Must be missin' an angel because you're right here on earth.

That's corny, but it kinda works.

I'm stephanie.

And we're in.

I'm andy.

Okay, now compliment her shoes.

Guys don't do it, and women love it.

I really dig those shoes. They're so strappy.

Thank you.

Guys never notice that stuff.

Are you some kind of artist or something?

Actually, I did write a one-act play...

Andy, andy, artist is code. She thinks you're gay.

Entitled, I really like naked women who wear strappy shoes.

(Laughs)

All right. All right. That's good.

So, andy, what do you do when you're not writing plays?

I'm an architect. Oh, really?

Where do you work? (Jim) oh, don't answer that.

The less you say, the more intrigued she'll become.

Anywhere someone needs a building.

Oh, witty, too. I'm intrigued.

(Jim) oh, yes.

We got the shoulder pat. She likes you.

All right. Get the number and get out.

Uh, tell her, uh, you got a thing. Be mysterious.

Could--could I get your number?

I-i got a thing.

Here you go, but you'd better call me.

Now tell her to stay beautiful and just walk away.

Stay beautiful, and just walk away.

Hey.

Hey.

Ow!

I'm sorry, romeo...

Comin' into work late...

Wearin' the same clothes he had on yesterday.

I'm proud of ya.

I'm still dockin' your pay, but I'm proud of ya.

Yeah, that--that stephanie's quite a girl.

Uh-huh. Yeah, but I'm not too sure about her.

She's got a few, uh, quirks.

What are you talkin' about?

I find you this really hot chick

And you're worried about a few quirks? Quirks like what?

Okay, she insists

On putting toothpaste on my toothbrush for me.

Pfft. Come on. That's just being caring, that's all.

Then she flosses me.

She's worried about your gums.

Then she saves the floss in a jar

Labeled pieces of andy.

Okay, that's a little crazy.

Exactly. I'm just not sure it's gonna work out. No, no, no, no. Come here,

Come here, come here. New lesson from the chick whisperer here.

Listen, andy, all women are crazy.

Really? Yes, that's just the way it is.

There is a direct relationship between how hot a chick is

And how much crazy to tolerate.

Well, jim, she is the hottest girl I've ever dated.

Okay, then she's acceptably crazy.

Acceptably crazy. Okay, I get that. Thanks.

Thanks...

Thanks, chick whisperer.

Ah.

Hi, andy.

Oh.

Jim.

Oh, hi, stephanie.

Hey, stephanie. Uh, what--what brings you by?

Well, I had a sweet tooth,

And I want some andy candy.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Hi.

I-i-i-i'm supposed to be someplace...

That's not this place.

So, gorgeous...

Yeah? Can I have something

To carry around that reminds me of you?

Oh, well, I do have some pictures of me with tony danza.

Well, I was thinkin' of somethin'

A little more personal, like maybe some of your hair.

Okay, I guess we could take a snip of my--

(Gasps) (gasps) oh.

Aah!

Oh, yes.

Oh!

Yes, yes.

Ah.

Now your chest will be on mine all day.

(Giggles)

I love you--i can't believe I just said that.

That was me, right? Ohh!

Acceptably crazy.

Ah.





Hey, honey, have you talked to andy?

Do you know if he's coming over for dinner?

Oh, I think that's doubtful. Young andrew is feeding on love.

Also, he had a bucket of chicken around : at work.

Yeah, you know, he does seem really happy lately.

I don't even know what his role in the family is anymore.

I gotta admit, you did a great job, jim.

Jim? Jim who?

What is my pioneer name?

Great job, chick whisperer.

(Cheryl) oh, there he is. Hello!

We wanna hear all about your stephanie.

(Laughs)

A gentleman never talks.

Come on! Come on! Come on!

Jim, I need to talk.

Okay. Young andrew needs some advice.

So my advice to the matchmaker would be

Try to match up something that's for dinner

That would fit my tummy.

Here's a hint...

Stew.

You know, stew does sound really good. Jim's on a roll.

Yeah.

Hey, bud, what's up?

(Chuckles) I'll tell you what's up.

That's kinda sexy.

What? No, it wasn't-- it wasn't so sexy

When stephanie left me locked up for four hours.

Ah, maybe she misplaced the key.

People lose keys. Let her slide.

Oh, yeah? Oh, really? Should I let this slide?

This is henna. It won't come off for weeks.

Jim, is this still acceptably crazy?

Does she cook? Jim.

Laundry? Jim!

All right, all right, all right, dump her, dump her.

You're right. That is a little crazy.

But I'm scared, jim. What?

I talked her into henna. She wanted to brand me.

Oh, come on. This is no time to panic, andy.

Oh, really, jim? Really? No.

So tell me--tell me, when is the time to panic?

When she wants to hook her car battery up to my boys?

All right, all right, all right, all right, all right.

I'll--i'll help you get rid of her.

I was just so fooled.

I mean, she was hot... She liked corny...

Drinkin' white wine...

No, no, no. Her friend was drinkin' white wine.

She was drinkin' a cosmo.

(Gasps) a cosmo?

Oh, my friend, you're lucky you got out of there alive.





So, steph, it's not you. It's me.

Okay. Good, good.

Tell her you're not ready for a relationship right now,

And then be prepared to dodge a slap.

(Chair scrapes floor)

Stephanie, the andyman's a lone wolf.

If you know anything about wolves,

We need to roam free.

This was my fault.

I pushed things too fast.

Why don't we just hang out and have lots of sex?

Is that an option? (Jim) andy, it's a trick.

Tell her it's over, and then just walk away.

Steph, it's over, and just walk away.

What don't you get about that?!

Here's the thing, andy.

It's not over until I say it's over.

Uh, jim, mayday, mayday.

Aah, aah!

You're part of me.

Every word you ever said proved it.

But those weren't my words. They were his.

Hi. Jim?

Yeah, it--it's true, stephanie. I told him what to say

Through this little microphone here in my cuff.

What? You didn't fall in love with andy.

You fell in love with the words I told him to say.

Oh.

Then I love you.

What?

Oh, yeah. No!

You're the man I fell in love with.

Well, this works for me, and walk away.

Uhh!

Aah!

Jim. No.

Come on. No!

How many more ways can I apologize?

Listen to me. The first rule of dumpin' a psycho

Is you never leave a man behind!

Come on. The important thing is you got rid of her.

Everything's fine.

Oh.

Still friends, chick whisperer?

Oh, shut up.

Hi, honey. Hey.

Look, we have company.

Oh, hi... (Gasps)

Well, I'm outta here. I'll be in my panic room.

Stephanie was nice enough to come over

And introduce herself to me,

And then she insisted on doing my nails.

Well, she doesn't take no for an answer.

(Laughs)

Oh, well, I gotta run. Oh.

Cheryl, it was great meeting you. Oh, you, too.

And, jim... I'll see you later.

Oh. Nice girl.

I'm not sure it's gonna work out for her and andy, though.

No, yeah. I think they hit kind of a rocky patch,

But, you know, those kids will work it out.

Yeah. We have those patches sometimes, don't we, honey?

You know, while--while stephanie was giving me my manicure,

She told me she's in love with you.

Weird!

Why--why was she givin' you a manicure?

Oh, it's sweet, actually.

She wants me to look pretty now that I'm gonna be single.

Yeah. She said with my looks,

I shouldn't have any trouble landing another man,

Which right now is pretty appealing!

Aw, come on, cheryl.

Oh, come on, jim, what did you do?!

Nothing! I didn't do a thing!

She just jumped on me and kissed me.

She kissed you?!

All right. This is one of those times

You gotta let me know how much you know.

Okay. Ahem. I know that the chick whisperer

Set my brother up with a psycho,

And now she's in love with you!

Okay, you're up to speed.

Look, cheryl, i-i-uh...

I-i gotta tell you, i-i talked to her, you know?

She's--i told her I'm not interested.

Well, apparently, it didn't work.

What can I do? How can I help it?

I got this charisma goin' for me all the time.

Jim! There was a crazy woman in our home!

How could you let her into our life?

Well, why did you let her do your nails?

I was scared!

And I have a p.t.a. Meeting tomorrow.

Oh, cheryl.

Look, jim, either you get rid of her, or I will.

Ooh, chick fight?

No! And even if there were, I wouldn't let you watch.

All right, cheryl, all right.

I'll come up with somethin'. Okay.

I need to put some stew in my belly,

And--and I'll come up with a plan. Don't worry about it.

On second thought, let's go out to dinner.

Get the kids.

Oh, come on. Let me find another guy for you.

I'm really good at it. I'm kinda like a dude whisperer.

How 'bout that guy right there?

He looks young and strong.

The busboy?

The busboy with dreams.

He could be president one day

If there was the right woman to inspire him...

Or at least, you know,

Head waiter or maître d'.

Nope.

Oh! Still you.

Come on.

You were right. He's gettin' nowhere.

Mm-hmm.

Your nails have never looked better, by the way.

Oh, thank you.

So you ready to out-crazy the crazy?

Yeah, but what about jim? He doesn't know the plan.

Oh, he'll catch on. I'm goin' in.

Hey, on your way, check out that busboy.

Already been there. You think I'm blind?

I'll tell you what.

Stephanie, I will give you $ to go.

Cash.

How can I go when we're soul mates?

Cash. Hi, steph... Jim.

Cheryl, what are you doing here?

Yeah. Has she passed the test?

Uh...

We reject all the new girls three times.

If they stay, then we know they're true.

You have such pretty hair.

Ahem.

All right. You seem to know where you're goin' with this.

Is this the new girl?

Yeah. Oh.

You were right, wife number one.

She does have pretty hair.

Yeah.

Jim always chooses so well. Mm-hmm.

Yes, I choose well. You see, uh,

You see, I go out and I find attractive women

And I give them shirts.

And marry them.

And keep them in your basement.

Yes! That's exactly what I do.

I marry 'em and I put 'em in the basement.

That's what I do.

Number two,

Do you have her uniform?

Yes. Welcome, number .

Now, number , have you had red meat in the last weeks?

Yeah, why?

Oh. Oh.

Well, uh, you're gonna have to be cleansed.

(Cheryl) mm.

Number ten isn't gonna be happy about that.

(Laughs) ha!

Did someone say cleansed?

Okay, this is getting weird.

What--what's so weird about me and my sisters

Being married to jim?

(Andy) pretty hair.

So, uh, number , what do you say? You in?

And walk away.

(All) yes!

Yeah! There you go!

Try it again! There you go!

Ah, whoo! Man, what a creepo! A creepo!

Drinks are on me.

Oh, great. I'll have the usual--a cosmo.

No surprise there.
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