Hey, what-- what are you doing here?
Out of my house!
(Screaming)
Cheryl?
Cheryl, what's happening here?
Well, remember last night when you said
You couldn't imagine what I do all day?
Yeah.
Today I didn't do it.
♪♪♪
Hey!
Hey, how was bowling?
Ah, we lost. Those guys are pros.
Jim, those guys are .
And they were girls.
Honey, there's a message for you on the machine.
Your, um, old college girlfriend melissa evans.
Ah!
No way. Jim went to college?
Melissa evans--
My god, I haven't talked to her in years.
Hey, was she the one with the shakers? Yeah.
Mmm, shakers. Daddy like.
No, salt and pepper shakers. She collected them.
Oh, carry on.
Although, for the record, she had some shakers.
Yeah! That's what I was talking about before! Mmm!
Anyway, she's in town.
She wanted to get together for lunch. Oh, yeah?
Oh, poor thing must've lost a bet or something.
Well, that is one lunch date that I am not gonna make.
Why not?
Oh, come on.
Everybody knows there's only one reason for a man
To have female friends, okay? And it's not friendship.
Oh, would you get over yourself?
It sounded like she just wanted to catch up.
Hmm, wanted to catch up.
Let me look at the male to female dictionary here.
Uh... Oh, here it is.
Wants to catch up means wants to take a bubble bath with jim.
Jim, you're being ridiculous. You know, every thursday
I go out with a bunch of guys from work. It's innocent fun.
Ryan's totally cool with it.
Dana, honey, you're dealing with a caveman here.
Less logic, more grunting.
You're right! You're right! I am a caveman!
And I'm proud of it! And, cheryl, the truth is--
You and I are cut from the same loincloth. Oh.
It's true!
Deep down inside, we both have the same base instincts.
The only difference is you pretty it up
With kindness, consideration and daily showers.
But we are the same.
Oh, jim, I've heard the caveman speech before.
It's just an excuse to not use a napkin.
Honey, can't you just dip your toe into the st century?
Be friends with a woman, evolve.
Cheryl, I traffic in facts not evolution.
And the fact is,
No woman has ever wanted to be friends with me.
This melissa has got an agenda for me!
I know whenever I call a woman, I only have one thing in mind.
Abduction?
Look, honey, think of this as an opportunity
To broaden your horizons.
Come out of the cave and have a grown-up lunch with melissa
A mature, sophisticated person.
Cheryl, why do you insist on throwing me
Into the arms of these other women?
You did that with that lady dentist who was hitting on me.
She was a hygienist, and that's just where their boobs end up.
Fine, but I'm telling you,
This melissa is in a tizzy to get busy. Oh.
She is starvin' for my marvin. Jim!
She is ready for my freddie. Hey!
She is out for my trout! Jim!
She is in this for the business! Okay!
Remember before when I was talking about somethin'?
Well, I'm talking about it again! Huh?!
All right, fine.
Jim, just go to lunch! Okay!
Okay, I'm gonna go to lunch just to prove to you... Okay, thank you.
That I am right. Okay.
No, wait a minute. She invited me, right? Yes.
So she has to pay for lunch. Yes.
Fine, then tomorrow will be a perfect day.
Oh, but you should probably cover the tip.
Well, then I'll hope for bad service.
Jim? Oh, hey!
Look at you!
You haven't changed a bit!
Hi, melissa.
Oh, get that thing outta here. I want a hug!
Of course you do.
Oh, gosh!
Yeah.
Look at us. We're hugging.
Well, sit down. Tell me everything! All right.
How've you been?
Well, I've been great, to be honest with you.
I've got this great little construction business,
And I've been happily married for years.
I got three kids. Here...
That's, uh, ruby, gracie, kyle, , and .
Oh, are those pictures?
No, it's just their names and ages.
So how about you? You got family?
No, I just got divorced. That's why I'm back in chicago. Oh.
Yeah, let me guess. You're here to start over?
In fact, that's why I looked you up.
Mm-hmm.
I have a proposition.
Yeah, I thought you would.
Look, I take my vows very seriously.
You're in contracting. I'm in real estate.
I thought we could maybe partner up
And do a little business.
What are you talking about-- vows?
Contracting vows.
It's a beautiful ceremony.
A little noisy, a lot of hammering, but it's, uh...
I'm thinking-- yeah?
We buy inexpensive homes and flip 'em.
We could make a lot of money.
Is that what this is about? Making money?
No.
A big, fat pile of money!
Come on, melissa, there is more to life than money.
I'm kidding!
Oh, you're funny!
Money? I love money!
Oh, look at you.
You know, it really is nice to see you. You too.
I am starving!
Well, we should order.
And since I invited you to lunch, I insist on paying.
Oh, is that the custom?
That the inviter pays for lunch... And tip?
And valet parking?
Still cheap and adorable.
So now when you wake up,
You won't remember anything that I told you.
Yeah, got it.
Wake up.
Wow, you guys are great hypnotists.
I was totally hypnotized. Now take a hike.
Mississippi.
I'm a pretty, pretty girl!
Andy, that was so sweet. Thank you for playing along.
How's that now?
Hey, cheryl, look at this.
Salt and pepper shakers from my friend melissa.
Well, well, well,
Did caveman jim have a nice lunch with a woman?
Yes, it was very modern and sophisticated.
I used napkins. We had bottled water.
And I even begged her pardon when I belched.
So I was... So you were-- let me say it.
Let me say it--
You were right. Right as rain man.
It's right as rain, jim.
That doesn't make any sense. I mean, rain man was right
About how many toothpicks were on the floor.
Oh, whatever. I was right about melissa!
Oh, yeah, you were. And you know what?
She's moving back here to chicago.
And guess what? What?
We're talking about partnering up in business
And, like, buying inexpensive houses and flipping 'em.
Wow. So is she moving here with her family?
No, no, no family. She just got divorced.
(Cell phone rings)
Oh, what's that? Oh, it's missy. Oh!
Hello, my new partner!
What? You already found a property?
Wow, that's great. Yeah, no, I'd love to see it.
Yeah, why don't we meet at my office tomorrow at noon?
Oh, you're right, that is lunchtime.
Right, okay, uh, I'll take a--
Oh, right, you know what I like! That's right.
Tell her I'm glad to have her as part of the team.
Pack your bags, cheryl. You just lost your man.
Oh, what are you talking about?
Oh, come on!
Missy, not melissa,
Recently moves back to her ex-boyfriend's hometown.
Calls him on his cell phone, not his home phone.
(Gasps) you mean the number where she's sure to reach him?
(Gasps) she is devious!
Cheryl, have you learned nothing
From the tragic breakup of brad and jen?
She's trying to angelina you.
Oh, andy!
Look, honey, I totally trust jim.
And you know what?
I think melissa and I may even become friends.
I think we probably have a lot in common.
Yeah, you're both in love with the same guy.
It's all right.
You can bunk up with me during the messy divorce,
But the kids stay here.
Oh, that's okay. I think the kids and I
Will probably just move to mississippi.
I'm a pretty, pretty girl!
Excuse me. How much are these tomatoes?
Funny you should ask.
You see that hot tomato that's after your husband?
What?
$. A pound.
Oh. Thank you.
Cheryl, are you okay?
Yes, yes, I'm sorry-- marilyn, how are you?
Just peachy. Get it?
Oh, yes, I get it.
So how's jim?
Did he take up with that tramp and leave you?
What?
I said could you ask jim to stay off our trampoline?
He's frightening the children.
Yeah, i-i'll tell him.
Oh! Oh!
(Man over p.a.) Cleanup in produce.
Woman's life falling apart.
What?
Cleanup in produce.
Thanks for shopping at dibai's mart.
For god's sake, they're just friends!
You know, andy,
I'm thinking that tonight for dinner,
I may just have a salad.
Jim, what the hell?
I don't know.
Cheryl was right about making friends with melissa.
Maybe she's right about other stuff, too.
Yeah, if it wasn't for that rain man thing,
She'd be on a roll.
Hey, jimmy.
Look what I brought-- wings from buffalo joe's.
Oh, my god, that's terrific! Great, melissa.
Melissa, this is andy.
Oh, nice to meet you, andy.
Yeah.
Let me tell you how things are gonna work around here, okay?
You're the new guy.
That means you're low man on the totem pole,
So get used to doing errands and crap
That nobody else wants to do.
Okay.
Do I get points for the wings?
Well, you did, but you lost them all
By not bringing any drinks, okay?
So welcome back to zero, new guy! Huh?
Pop machine's on the third floor. Go! Go! Go!
Andy, why don't you go get the sodas?
But, jim, she's the new-- go!
Damn it!
Let me guess.
He's been the new guy for a while?
Uh, for about ten years. Here.
Yeah, it's better to keep him here
Than on the streets.
Okay, here is the information on the house.
Oh, wow, let me see that.
Oh, that is nice.
Is that all they're asking?
Uh-huh. Old people-- still think bread's a nickel.
Ha ha ha! We're gonna make a fortune!
I know!
Hey, what's so funny?
Old people.
Cheryl, what are you doing here?
Well, I was just at the market.
I thought I'd come and make my husband a sandwich.
Oh, I'm sorry. You must be melissa.
I'm cheryl, jim's wife.
Hi. Nice to meet ya. Hi.
Would you like some ham? It's jim's favorite.
Actually, I think I already brought jimmy
His favorite lunch--
Buffalo wings from our old college hangout.
Wow, it's still there after all these many, many years?
Yep, some things never change.
Like how many wings this guy can put away.
Oh, please.
(Laughs nervously)
Oh, stop it.
Hey, cheryl, you know what?
For dinner tonight, I think I might have a salad.
I think you might be right about that, too.
Wow, no better feeling than being right.
Except maybe a belly full of wings!
(Laughs) quit it! Quit it!
You're tickling me! You're tickling me!
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
I felt like the third wheel.
Do you think she's after my husband?
I still can't believe you're after your husband.
Oh, dana!
No, I'm being silly.
They're friends. Totally.
They're business partners.
That's why she was rubbing his stomach.
Wait, she rubbed his stomach?
Yeah.
I was hoping it was standard business practice.
Yeah, we don't seal a lot of deals with the tummy rub.
What about her feet? What?
Well, people instinctively point their feet
Towards a person they're attracted to.
I don't know. I wasn't watching her feet.
I was too busy fake laughing.
All right, what about her boobs?
Amazing. That's why I'm so worried.
No.
I mean, what direction were they pointing?
Oh, it's hard to tell.
She was throwing them all around like that slutty hygienist.
Hey, cheryl?
Cheryl, let me ask you--
Does this tie go with this jacket?
Are you going somewhere?
Oh, yeah, missy and I just put an offer on our first house,
And she wants to take me out for a good luck dinner.
Oh, well, good luck is good.
And dinner is fun...
So it should be fun and good.
Yeah.
Well, tonight's your book club,
And, you know, I always end up in the garage
Drinking by myself, anyway.
Yeah. You don't normally wear a tie in the garage.
Well, that's not actually true.
Sometimes it's all I wear.
Anyway, this matches, right? It's good enough? Yeah.
Because that restaurant in her hotel
Has some kind of dress code.
Uh, you're eating dinner at her hotel?
Yeah, missy thought it'd be more convenient. Convenient?
Honey, have fun at the book club,
And I'll bring you back dessert if missy pays.
Okay.
All right, you call the lawyer, I'll start burning his clothes.
No, no, no, dana.
Stop it. Stop it. You're being ridiculous.
I am not jealous. I'm evolved. I mean, they're just friends
Like you and those guys at work you go out with.
Oh, that.
Yeah, I don't do that anymore.
What?
Well, jim was right. It was bad for my marriage.
Two of those guys were in love with me,
And the other one just invited me on a cruise.
Turns out I just like the attention,
Probably 'cause I'm a middle child.
Dana, I just sent my husband off to a hotel
With missy the boob-pointing home wrecker! Yeah.
Cheryl, you better go after him.
She is starvin' for his marvin.
Oh...
She is out for his trout.
Stop it! She is ready for his freddie.
Dana!
Oh, come on. Come on!
I cannot believe you remember that.
(Jim) I do!
(Thinking) ignore the lean. Ignore the lean.
Hi!
Cheryl! What are you doing here?
I thought you had your book club.
Well, since you guys are out here
Celebrating your new business venture,
I want to raise a toast to your success.
Well, that sounds good. Yes.
Here--to my new friend and my old wife.
Cheryl, you really shouldn't let us keep you
From your reading group.
I'm sure it's the highlight of your week.
Ignore the snotty comment. Ignore the snotty comment.
Cheryl, you look amazing! Is that a new dress?
Honey, you just never can remember, can you?
I wore this last year on our anniversary--
Number .
We had dinner, made love.
And yet he doesn't remember.
Melissa, do you think
I could borrow this shoulder back from you?
It's so comfortable.
A girl could really get used to this.
Yeah, I think you've leaned on my husband enough this week.
Oh, always happy to help a friend.
Hey, what's going on here?
I thought we were enjoying some sophisticated banter.
Take your arm off of my husband
And point your feet and shakers toward the door.
Wow, either someone really needs a drink,
Or someone's really insecure about their marriage.
What?
I said either someone really needs a drink,
Or someone's really insecure about her marriage.
That's what I thought you said.
You know, I think you're right.
Maybe I could use that drink.
Aah!
Oh, wow!
You know, you're right. I do feel better.
Whoa!
Oh, no!
I hope my new friend and my old wife
Aren't gonna get in a catfight!
Listen, cheryl, I don't know why--
No, no, no, no, no, no. You don't talk. You listen.
Now you don't get to come around here and hang all over my man
Just because you can't hang on to yours.
Now the way I see it, missy, you got two options.
You can either walk out that door right now
With your dignity, most of your hair
And your top still on,
Or you and I can take a little trip down to knuckletown.
That's right-- knuckletown.
Nobody break this up!
So all those in favor of moving book club
To tuesday afternoons, raise your hand.
But cheryl has car pool then.
Well, cheryl isn't here now, is she?
And so next tuesday,
We will begin our discussions of this--
It's a play written by a local up-and-coming dramatist.
Long day's journey into andy.
I warn you, there's some mature content.
Act i-- a riverboat in mississippi.
I'm a pretty girl.
Oh, cheryl, that was great.
Take a little trip down to knuckletown.
What is that, a suburb of fist-burgh, punchyl-vania? Yes.
No, are you sure? Because now that I think about it,
It might be outside of fight-waukee, fist-consin.
Will you knock it off?
You're not gonna come at me, are you?
Are you gonna come at me? Oh, god, I'm so embarrassed.
It's the first time I've ever been kicked out of a restaurant
When it wasn't your fault.
I know!
And it was great, cheryl. It was great.
I just turned into a total cavewoman.
Yes! And the cave is wide open, baby!
And I think there's some room for the both of us
Under my tiger skin.
(Laughs)
You know, I do have to admit it was kind of fun.
Yeah?
And it's weird. I have a sudden urge to go bowling.
You do?
Yes, and drink beer in the garage.
Oh, cheryl, this is a perfect day for me.
Honest to god,
You have been trying to change me all this time,
And I actually got a chance to change you. I know.
You have stooped to my level!
I love it.
And you know what else I love?
What?
I love being right.
Okay, so let's settle this right now.
Jim can't be friends with a woman.
Say I'm right.
Right as rain man.
Thank you.
Cheryl? Yeah?
I thought I heard your voice. Oh, is this jim?
Don't tell me I finally get to meet him.
No. No, you don't, actually.
No. No, you don't. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Thanks for coming. Okay.