(Both laughing)
Andy, what the-- what the hell was that?!
What?
You just spit on my floor!
Oh.
Jeez, I'm sorry. I thought I was at home.
You mean, you spit on the floor at home?
Sure, everybody does...
You know, when they're all alone.
Nobody spits on the floor! Get outta here!
What is wrong with you? Get outta my house right now!
Oh, excuse me. I didn't realize I was at the ritz.
What the hell was that?
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
I-i thought I was at andy's house.
♪♪♪
Mmm, mmm, mmm. This looks good.
Oh, you kids are doing such a great job on that tree. Oh.
Grandma is gonna love it.
Really? When did mom start likin' things that suck?
(Laughs) oh.
Can we put my spongebob toy on top?
Look, I can't put my mike ditka bubblehead up there,
You can't put your spongebob up. (Cheryl) no.
No, honey, you know that
Grandma's special angel always goes on top.
Grandma gave this to me and daddy on our wedding day.
Yeah.
And I got a -hour lecture about putting my husband first.
Yes, wise words from a wise woman, cheryl.
Uh-huh. I'm about to get four days of mom's wisdom
About every single thing I do.
Is that why you doubled up the booze in the eggnog?
Yeah...
And when mom gets here, I bump it up to triple.
(Jim) ah.
Ah, why wait? (Gasps)
(Laughs)
When's grandma gonna be here?
Oh, honey, she'll be here any minute.
Uncle ryan and aunt dana went to pick her up at the airport.
Don't you usually pick her up every year?
Yeah, for the last years, but ryan called today
And said he wanted to do it. I'm gonna miss my annual trip
To the nudie bar, but it's okay.
Yeah, mom was startin' to complain about that, anyway.
So ryan volunteered, huh? Interesting.
No, not really.
(Laughing) oh, sweet, young james...
Like an innocent doe, damp with the morning dew.
What?
Don't you get it, man? He's after your title.
He wants to be the number one son.
Oh, come on. Ryan's the new guy, that's all.
He's supposed to suck up to his mother-in-law...
And I don't blame him. You know what?
Maggie is the greatest.
Hey, that's what I thought when I was number one,
But then you came along, and all of a sudden,
Andy isn't a baby face. He's got a weight problem.
Look it, ryan can't touch me, anyway.
I'm the king, and this is my throne.
I thought the upstairs toilet was your throne.
I'm the king. I can have two thrones.
(Laughing)
Ryan, that is the funniest story about menopause I've ever heard.
Well.
They're here! Grandma!
Hello, my darlings. Hi, grandma!
Oh, hello, hello. How are you, maggie?
Oh, fine, honey. (Cheryl) hey, mom.
How was your flight?
Oh, wonderful. Ryan surprised me
With a first class upgrade. Yeah.
We were gonna use the miles for europe, but it's mom.
(Laughs)
That's right, and no mother-in-law of mine
Is gonna pay for headphones. I mean, come on.
(Both laugh)
What's that sound, jim? Footsteps.
Hey, jim, honey, why don't you grab mom's bags
And put 'em up in kyle's room? Yeah, yeah, good idea.
Wait a minute, kyle's room? Yeah, the kids all bunk
In the girls' room. They love it. It's like camping.
I get to sleep in the closet.
Oh.
Hold on one second there, jim.
I mean, this is silly. We have an extra bedroom.
Yeah, with a bed that's not a racecar.
I-i wouldn't be imposing?
Oh, not at all. You should definitely stay with us. Unh-unh, yeah.
Well, I'll drink to that.
I mean, if--if that works for you, mom.
Well, maggie, you always stay with us.
Hmm. Seems something's changed.
(Ryan) okay, jim, I'll just
Put these bags back in the car. I got it. I got it.
I don't mind. I got it!
Oh!
Caught a piece of the old yule log. (Maggie gasps)
(Jim) sorry, andy. Andrew! Such a mouth.
Maggie, maggie, y-you sure you wanna go?
I mean, aren't you gonna miss the kids?
Oh, honey, I can just tuck 'em in
And be back here first thing each morning.
Now who knows where I can get a christmas cookie?
(Children) we do, we do! Yay! (Laughs)
Kyle really sleeps in the closet?
Yeah, in an old suitcase. He loves it. Huh.
How's that view from your throne, king james?
You were right. I can't believe it.
I should have
Never let him go to the airport and pick her up.
Now he's trying to steal her away,
And I don't get to go to the nudie bar.
We can go right now if you want.
Nah, it's not the same without your mom.
Jim, you're being ridiculous.
Ryan is not after your title. You don't even have a title.
Watch it, cheryl. Watch it. If I don't have a title,
That means you don't have a title.
I don't have a title.
Well, as king of this family, I can give you a title.
I dub thee queen cheryl-- first babe of the realm
And the caretaker of the family jewels.
Oh, jim.
You now have a title.
Thank you. I'm thrilled with it. (Laughs)
Look, honey, i, for one, am thrilled
She's not here to nitpick me.
Besides, there is more than enough of my mother
For you and ryan to share.
Share? Yes.
He doesn't wanna share. Oh, oh, look at me.
I can get you a first class upgrade.
Oh, we got bedrooms at our house.
Oh, we pay for heat at our house.
Cheryl, you know what? When we take maggie out
For stevie b's ribs and chicken,
I've got to shine!
Well, you might wanna start by zippin' up your fly.
Jim, it's christmas.
This is not the time
To be petty and competitive.
Well, then, how come donner tried to screw nixon
Out of his spot in the reindeer games?
What? The reindeer games.
They were competing for the same spot.
Well, if it isn't fred and ethel.
Soon as the stars of the show get here,
We can go to dinner. Oh, ah.
Would you stop stirring him up,
And why are you including me?
Come on, sis, wake up.
You think that pretty boy ryan came up with this?
This has the stink of dana all over it.
(Gasps) dana--of course she wants a piece of this.
They're trying to take your role as premier couple of the family.
Okay, premier couple? What does that even mean?
It means we're number one.
What does that mean?
It means they're canada, and we're america.
Oh.
Hey. (Cheryl) hey.
Hey. H-hey. W-why are you guys all dressed up?
Yeah, talk about donning gay apparel.
(Laughs) well, mom found out
Ryan's a member at oakcrest country club.
And I've always wanted to go to their holiday party.
Yeah, so ryan called,
And he was able to get reservations for all of us.
Oh.
Well, funny you didn't call to check with us.
Well, if you guys wanna to go stevie b's,
We'll just take maggie to the club ourselves. Yeah.
♪ Oh, canada ♪
♪ It's something something land ♪
We can be dressed in two minutes. Great.
Oh, great. Andy,
Let's go over to your house and pick you out a nice suit.
Oh, mom, i-i can pick out my own suit.
Oh, what are you hiding?
No! Mom, wait! Ma, don't look under the bed!
Those tapes came with the house!
Oh, hell to the no!
What?
We know what you're trying to do.
Yeah, don't deny it. You're after mom.
(Both laugh)
We're not after her. We've got her.
(Gasps)
And she's not comin' back.
You been the big dog around here for way too long.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, watch it, pal. That big dog is my wife.
Okay, are-- are you seriously
Trying to compete with us for mom's attention?
You're damn right, we are.
I've been number two my whole life.
Now get in the backseat with andy.
I don't think you kids know who you're messin' with here. Uh-huh.
Excuse me, jim, but are you gettin'
All up in our kool-aid?
Oh, yeah!
You two better be ready to bring it.
Oh, it'll be brought. Right, ryan?
Oh, yeah, with a heavy hand.
Bam!
You two don't stand a chance.
We're younger, sexier,
And we drive a cooler car. One more time, honey.
Bam! Bam!
You watch it.
You have aroused the wrath of the king!
Oh, honey, I don't know.
Are you sure this isn't too much?
Honey, this is w*r, and in w*r, you bring out the big g*ns.
Oh, good! Ah!
(Laughter)
Ladies and gentlemen, the show is about to begin.
Oh, a show? I didn't know there was a show.
Wow.
Really? Then who moved the couch?
Perhaps 'twas...
(Foreign accent) a christmas miracle. Ah.
Shh. It's starting. Come on.
We now present a christmas without grandma.
A christmas without grandma?
Why, that's no christmas at all.
Oh.
Maestro, if you will?
Yeah.
♪ Oh, grandmother, oh, grandmother ♪
♪ We love you so much, grandmother ♪
♪ We love it when you visit us ♪
♪ And you don't have to bring us stuff ♪
(Children) ♪ oh, grandmother ♪
♪ Oh, grandmother ♪
♪ We love you so much, grandmother ♪
Oh!
Oh, that's so darling.
Great kids. Yeah.
Yeah. (Andy playing recorder)
Hey. Hey.
I told you, we cut that.
Tonight, ruby scrooge,
You will be visited by three grandmothers.
Tell them not to bother. I already have one.
(Both) the best grandma
In the whole world. (Jim and cheryl mouthing words)
Oh, oh.
God bless us, everyone, especially grandma.
(Gasps) oh.
Oh, come on. Give me a break.
(Maggie) oh...
I just love you kids. Mm.
(Mouthing) now. Now.
Then why aren't you staying with us?
Oh.
Well, um...
Um, um...
Um... Why don't you just
Stick your hand up her butt and work her like a puppet?
Why don't you just shove it?
Yeah.
Ah, what was I thinking?
I should spend the rest of my trip
Right here with these precious grandchildren of mine.
Oh, mom, I think that's a great idea,
'Cause, you know, our little tykes
Will only be young for a short while,
And you have years to be with dana and ryan
In their cold, childless home.
(Sighs) okay, then it's settled.
I am staying here.
(All) yay!
Yeah. Hey, ryan...
Yeah?
Bam!
Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, people, people.
Hold on a second now.
I-i've been practicin' silent night for six hours.
You people are gonna sit down and listen to me play.
Sit down!
(Plays silent night)
(Squeaks)
Damn it! I had it perfect last night!
Jim, that was a masterful carving job.
Had that pig known what was in store for him,
He would have gladly given up his life.
(Jim chuckles)
Thank you, young andy, thank you,
But I'm sure dr. Ryan is pretty good with a Kn*fe, too,
Although we'll never get a chance to see it.
(Laughs) well, I could come over
And give you a vasectomy in your sleep.
(Dana) ah.
Give it up, ryan. We're just not as selfish
And twisted as, uh, cheryl and jim.
That's right, and let that be a lesson
To the both of you.
Unh.
Okay, it's really strong eggnog time.
Oh, yes.
(Cheryl) hey, mom.
Get the kids all tucked in?
Sure did, and watching little kyle
All curled up in that suitcase,
Oh, just precious.
I'm so glad I'm here for this.
Aww. You know what, maggie?
We're glad you're here, too. Everybody grab a drink.
I'd like to make a toast to maggie.
Oh, none for me. Thanks, mom.
What's wrong? Oh, nothing.
Yeah, what's wrong, dana, don't you love your mother?
I mean, should we tell 'em? I mean...
I don't--i don't think this is the right time.
(Gasps) oh, my god. I mean, it's christmas. I think it would be the right time.
You're pregnant.
Yes, I am.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
What?
Oh, get ready for a fourth grandchild.
Oh, right over here. Oh, look, look.
Huh? Oh, yeah. (Laughing)
Move over, fred and ethel. Make room for little ricky.
Honey, this is just wonderful news.
Yeah, we thought you'd be excited, you know,
Since jim and cheryl are done having kids. Yeah.
You're not pregnant.
Cheryl mabel.
But i--she's lying.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
You're just saying that to get attention.
How can you say something like that?
How dare you, cheryl? I have life inside of me.
Prove it. Prove you're pregnant.
Cheryl, what if-- what if she's-- prove it!
Fine, if it'll make you shut up.
Here. Here.
Read the double pink lines.
(Crying) is that pregnant enough for you?
(Gasps)
Look, that's just her hormones talkin', all right,
Not all you guys yellin' at her and callin' her a liar...
On christmas eve.
Oh.
(Crying) oh, honey,
Is--is that why you wanted mom to stay with you?
(Crying gibberish)
What?
That means, yes.
(Crying gibberish)
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
Yes, you heartless wicked witch.
Oh, I know, I know. Jim got me all worked up
About being the premier couple.
You know, I'm starting to think
You were right about him all along.
Yes, I was.
Cheryl? Yeah?
Cheryl, did you already apologize to your sister?
I did. I just hope she can forgive me.
Well, I don't know. It's gonna take some time. I know.
Well, maybe you would feel better
If I helped you pick out some names.
(Cheryl) oh.
Like, if it's a girl, how about lucy?
Oh. (Imitating ricky ricardo) for, lucy,
You got some explaining to do!
All right, mister, you get your scarf and your mittens.
You meet me out back. We're gonna settle this like men.
(Imitates ricky ricardo) oh, yeah, lucy, ricky?
(Normal voice) what's this? I found this in the bathroom
On the floor. (Cheryl gasps)
Here's your baby!
You drew the pink lines?
Well, how do you even know that pen is mine?
From the office of dr. Ryan gibson.
Happy holidays.
Cheryl, care to join me? I would love to.
(Both) bam! Bam! Bam!
Cheryl, now if you'll join me, let's go tell your mother. Yes.
Hold up, jim, before you go, you should check your watch.
Why? Because it is go time.
(Gasps) ryan, honey! Oh! Oh! Oh!
(Yelling continues) boy, that cheryl--
Not believin' her own sister.
You know, pops, I'm kinda glad you weren't here to see that.
Hey, maggie, dana's not...
(Yelling continues) what is going on in there?
Ah, a little roughhousing.
A little? And that dana--
Stealin' the spotlight from baby jesus.
Well, at least you got one good one left, mom.
Ooh! Mom...ooh!
Mommy! (Maggie) oh.
Maggie.
Mom?
Maggie, wake up.
Dana's not pregnant.
There you go. You're gonna be fine.
Oh, thank you, ryan. Oh.
Thank goodness we have a doctor in the family, huh, mom?
Ah, yes. What are you talkin' about? It's my first aid kit.
Yeah.
You're the one that opened the door right into her. Come on.
Just stop it! Stop.
Oh, lord, competing for my affection?
Christmas is a time
When you are supposed to think about other people,
And all you are doing is thinking about yourselves.
I'm ashamed of you.
But not me. Right, mom?
Yes, andy, you're my good boy.
Yes. Boo-yah!
Although we're going to have a long talk
About that filthy magazine I found in your bathroom.
It's anime, god.
What?
You know, maggie, you're right.
(Sighs)
You're right. W-we've been actin' very, very selfishly.
Yeah, we acted crazy, and we're sorry.
Yeah, the truth is, maggie,
That cheryl and I have had you for the last years,
And it's time to share you with someone else.
It's time for you to have a chance.
You know, and that's hard for me to say
Because, you know, I grew up without a father,
And I don't have the greatest relationship with my own mother,
But I do with you.
Mm.
You know, not every family
Gets to have someone like you--
Someone who you don't fight with,
But you're willing to fight for.
Mm.
Y-you know...
(Cheryl) what are you doin'?
Cheryl, it's only fair.
What, your christmas angel?
Mom, when you gave this to us,
It really made me feel part of this family...
And, ryan, i-i think you should feel the same way.
Wow, jim, i-i really don't know what to say.
How 'bout, uh, merry christmas?
Merry christmas.
Right over here.
Jim... That was beautiful.
Oh, thank you, maggie. Now that's the kind of love
You want to be around during the holidays,
And the only gift I ever want at christmas.
Merry christmas.
You, too, sweetheart.
Oh, wow, it's late.
Mom, you must be exhausted.
Uh, I am, but with all the fighting,
I've lost track of where I'm staying.
Oh, well, mom, that's up to you.
Uh, ryan, do you have pain pills? Of course.
I'm staying with them. Great.
(Laughs)
Okay, good night. Good night.
(Cheryl) good night. And I'll be back first thing in the morning
To see the kids open their presents. (Cheryl) all right. Love you.
Okay. Love you, too.
Wow, buddy, that was a great speech.
Got me right in the old ticker.
Damn it!
I thought the angel thing was gonna work for sure.
I thought I had her!
That was the greatest performance of my life!
Wait, jim, you didn't mean what you said?
Of course, I meant it.
I was just not gonna say it to anybody.
I wanted to win. Oh.
All right. All right. We got easter.
We gotta win maggie back at easter.
Mm-hmm. Okay, start thinkin'.
Start givin' me some thinkin' music.
All right, I got it. I got it. I got it.
(Playing what child is this?) Hay. The colored hay.
We're gonna need lots of that.
And bunnies-- lots of little bunnies.
(Cheryl) jim.
And chocolate, but you're right. Not big enough.
How 'bout an easter egg hunt in the back...