05x15 - Mr. Right

Episode transcripts for the TV show "According to Jim". Aired: October 3, 2001 to June 2, 2009.*
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A comedy following a suburban macho husband, wife and their three children.
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05x15 - Mr. Right

Post by bunniefuu »

All right. Honey, are--are you sure you're okay

Playing a board game instead of watching sports?

Honey, they have playoffs every year.

Yeah.

Besides, you girls do plenty for us. Am I right?

It's so true. Oh.

Let's play. Come on.

Dana, you're up. All right, um...

I get this one, right? (Ryan) you got it.

(Dana) yeah. Jim. I'm ready.

Okay, you are on a plane.

An attractive passenger of the opposite sex offers you

A no-strings-attached intimate encounter.

Oh.

There is no way anyone will ever find out.

Do you accept?

Absolutely!

What?

Absolutely.

If the ref don't see it, it didn't happen.

Oh, come on.

No, that's the truth, right? Amen to that.

See that?

You, too? Oh, come on.

It's sex on a plane. That's my thing.

Yeah!

That's disgusting. I can't even be here for this.

I am not playing this stupid game anymore.

What? Come on. (Ryan) guys.

I-i got that one right. We're winnin'.

I got four points.

Okay, back to the real game.

Yeah.

♪♪♪

Do an arabesque like we showed you.

Why? It's your stupid ballet recital.

But our teacher said the best way to learn

Is to teach somebody else. Then teach kyle.

Boys don't dance.

Fine.

Lucky for you, I just came from my hip-hop class.

(Camera shutter clicks)

Hey! Give me that!

No, cheryl, no.

It was a chinese laundry. Then it was a coffee shop.

No, jim.

It was a mexican restaurant.

We had a fight there

Because you kept saying feliz navidad

Was the mexican national anthem.

No, cheryl.

What are you guys doin' home so early?

Why are you dressed like that?

'Cause my milk shake brings all the girls to the yard.

We're home early because we missed the movie

Because this one insisted on stopping

At the coffee shop on roosevelt

To ask if it used to be a chinese laundry.

It was.

It was not. It was a mexican restaurant.

Chinese laundry!

Oh, god.

It's the erik estrada story all over again.

Andrew!

We do not say that name in this house.

What's the erik estrada story? Oh.

I'm glad you asked, ryan. (Dana) oh, god.

I'm gonna need booze for this.

It was a beautiful spring evening,

And my love and I were walking hand in hand down the street.

Suddenly, a car pulled up, the window rolled down

And a famous face appeared.

Jim, if you're goin' for suspense here,

You shouldn't call it the erik estrada story.

It was just some guy with nice hair and a big smile.

Not famous, not erik estrada.

Don't you think I would know if it was erik estrada?

I watched every single one of those chips episodes,

And if frank ponch poncherello asked me

For directions to the old orchard mall,

By god, I'm gonna know him!

Oh!

Jim, ponch was a highway patrol officer.

If he needed directions to the mall,

All he had to do was call into dispatch.

You know what I mean? Hey, it's ponch.

Where's the mall? I gotta find the mall. Where am I goin'?

Jim, why would erik estrada

Want to go to the old orchard mall, huh?

Hmm, let me think.

To buy something. Oh!

They do have that store just placemats

That sells just placemats.

I see. So erik estrada

Is going to the mall to buy placemats.

Honey, maybe he was researching a role.

Yeah, yeah, about a guy who needs placemats. Oh.

No, they custom make 'em. You just give 'em a photo,

But not any photo.

They have rules.

Anyway, so erik says to me--

Not erik! Some guy.

And welcome to the last ten years of my life.

Ten years? Mm-hmm.

Come on. You guys need to let it go.

Ohh, right.

Let it go?

Let it go, you say, young ryan?

No!

I'm not gonna let this one go.

You know why? Because I can win this one.

It's a true or false.

If it was an essay question,

I'd let it go.

Because when men and women debate

Over emotions or opinions,

That's an essay question, and guys always lose.

Why do we lose, you say?

Because women try to confuse you

With their feelings and their tricky devil words.

Yeah.

We learn them at camp

In between pillow fights and kissing practice.

But when it comes down to facts or right or wrong,

Man must stand by the truth.

Galileo did it. Isaac newton did it.

Jim's gonna do it.

I gave erik estrada directions to the old orchard mall,

And he gave me the g*ns.

It was not erik estrada, and it was the thumb's up!

g*ns! Thumbs up!

g*ns! (Clicks tongue) thumbs up!

(Arguing continues) isn't it sweet? After years, they still haven't

Run out of pointless crap to fight about.

Let's be like them.

Let's not.

Oh! Baby. Oh!





Jim, big news. Yeah?

Guess what I learned on the internet last night?

Oh, andy, those are sugar pills.

It's not gonna get any bigger.

Talk to me in three weeks.

But that's not what I mean.

I went on to an official erik estrada fan site.

Oh, oh! Did it say he was at the old orchard mall?

No, it didn't list all the malls he's been to,

But it did say that he's in town right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's doin', like,

A charity poker tournament on a riverboat down in joliet.

Oh, this is goin' on right now--today.

We gotta get down there.

I'm gonna prove to cheryl once and for all she's wrong!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What about the girls' ballet recital?

Ballet recital? They had one a month ago.

That was a year ago... And it's tonight.

You think we'll make it back in time?

Listen, I gotta take that chance.

And through the magic of videotape,

Mr. Henry enrique estrada is gonna tell cheryl

That she is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Oh, hey, and I'll get him to record

A new outgoing cell phone message.

What's the matter,

Your snoop dogg's not workin' no more?

Leave a mizzle at the tizzle.

Come on, let's go.

There he is.

(Andy) oh, wow.

Oh, jim, to walk in that man's shoes for one day.

Yeah.

The stories, the delights--

Oh, the women, jim. Oh, god, the women.

Settle down, andy.

We don't need another neil diamond incident here.

Well, I wanted to see if his shirt was made of silk.

So you ask him, you don't hug him.

Come on.

Hi, players. Hi.

Are you registered for the tournament?

Are we registered for the tournament?

(Laughs)

Come on. We registered early.

We're probably the first two names on the list.

Okay, so you're suniti ponnuru and evelyn chen?

Yeah. I'm probably the first one.

Look, I just need to talk to mr. Estrada for two minutes.

And by the way, you look very fetching in that vest

And straw boater.

I'm sorry. If you haven't already registered,

The only way to play with mr. Estrada

Is to win the satellite tournament.

Wh-what's the buy in?

Bucks.

Sign me up.

Wh-whoa, whoa.

Are you sure about that, suniti?

That's a lot of rupees.

I may brew two pots of coffee with the same grounds,

I may buy my snow tires at the junkyard,

I may even build my own toothbrushes...

But to prove cheryl wrong,

$--I could spend in a heartbeat.

Even . So, evelyn chen...

Move to the side, because I feel lucky today!

Out bucks under different names,

And I still didn't get to talk to estrada.

Did you see that man's hair, jim?

Picture me with estrada's hair.

No.

Think of the women I could pull with that raven mane.

Hey, if I had his hair and your calves,

Then they'd see. They'd all see.

Hey, hey, hey, buddy, uh, can you get someone

To bring this boat over to the dock there?

I-i gotta get to my daughter's recital.

It's really important. I'm gonna be late. Yeah, it's his little girls'.

I'm sorry, sir.

State law only allows gambling when we're cruising.

We only dock at the top of every hour to let people on and off.

Hey, andy, can you grease him?

You want me to k*ll him?

Bribe him!

Sorry, I spent bucks on this boater.

I'm broke and late.

You know what? That's about feet.

I think we can make it.

Whoa. Jim, jim, I don't know.

Gravity is not my friend.

Yeah, well, my mighty calves

Are strong enough for the both of us.

One, two, three...

Aah! Aah!

(Chips theme song playing)

(Classical music playing)

Where the hell are jim and andy?

(Sighs) who knows?

They probably found an old refrigerator box

And decided to play fort.

Man, if they're playin' fort and I'm stuck at this recital...

(Water sloshing)

(Whispering) cheryl?

Cheryl?

(Andy) ahem.

Sorry we're late.

It's not every day you save a drowning baby.

Oh, look, she looks so cute.

Aah! Aah.

(Andy) hey. Shh.





So what was the baby doing in the frozen pond?

That's a question for the parents.

And where were the parents?

I don't know. Probably at the bottom...

In the car.

Jim, this is the worst lie you've ever told me.

Oh, pirates on lake michigan was much worse.

What's really going on?

All right. Erik estrada was playin' poker on a riverboat.

I lost bucks, I ended up in the river--

You connect the dots.

Will I be hearing from the police tonight?

Eh, sometimes, they check fake names,

Sometimes, they don't.

Jim, all this just to meet erik estrada?

Again, cheryl.

Meet him again.

Would you just admit it?

You're addicted to being right. No, you're just jealous, cheryl.

Of what? Of me being right more than you.

Oh. Yeah.

Come on. Oh, is that so?

Yes, that's so. So? Oh, that's very interesting.

Then why do I have a book filled with detailed descriptions,

Including photos, receipts, and signed affidavits,

Of every time you have ever been wrong?

What?

Oh, yeah, jim. Oh, yeah. I write it all down,

Because I knew this day was comin'.

How far does this go back?

All the way, baby!

Our first date?

Yes, jim. Pauly shore is not a beach in new jersey.

The third date-- jim insists

That joan of arc was married to noah.

She was!

She was not!

Then why did they have the same last name?

You see? You see? This is why I have to write everything down,

To prove I'm not crazy.

Oh, oh, the giant book of jim's wrongs

Proves that you're not crazy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it does. It does, jim.

You know why? You know why?

'Cause when you're wrong, it means I'm right.

And it's tasty, jim, it's real tasty.

Okay, well...

I see where maybe we both may have a little problem.

(Sighs) ah, you're right. We both have to be right.

We can't ever let anything go.

You know what's sad about it?

Huh?

I don't even really like being right anymore.

It's more like a habit.

I don't know. I still like it.

Oh. We have to change, jim. We have to.

No, you're right. We should change.

(Sighs) you know what?

We can help each other.

Let's help each other to learn to let go.

All right. All right. You know what?

The erik estrada story is over.

Oh. Okay.

Unless...

You wanna go down to his hotel and find out for sure.

It's a great idea.

You know what? We'll take elm street

'Cause main is full of construction.

No, no, no, main is clear.

It's pine that's got the construction.

I'm bringin' the book!

Fine, fine. Bring the book. You can bring the book.





Are you sure this is erik estrada's car?

Yeah, I greased the parking attendant.

You k*lled him?

I paid him off!

Look, look, honey, he has a pine air freshener.

No, no, that's jasmine.

That's pine.

It's jasmine. I can smell it from here.

Oh, you can't smell jasmine. It smells like the chinese laundry

That's now a coffee shop.

That is ridiculous.

If anything, it smells like a pine forest--

Cheryl, cheryl, look, look, look! Oh.

Mr. Estrada, mr. Estrada... We have a question for you.

Yeah, just one question. No, no, no, look, I don't have any change.

(Cheryl) no, no, no, it's not that. No, it's not that.

Were you ever at the old orchard mall?

Really, I gotta run. Take care. No, no, no!

It was about ten years ago! Ten years ago! Remember me?

Ten years ago! Remember me? I asked you--

I gave you directions! Wait, mr. Estrada!

Mr. Estra--henry!

Oh, this close!

We weren't close, jim. Yes, we were!

We're done. It's settled. He doesn't remember you.

He didn't hear me, cheryl. Oh, come on.

He is deaf in one ear.

Go--go on the internet. Check it out yourself.

You know, jim, he heard you. He just didn't say yes,

Which means I am right.

It doesn't mean you're right, cheryl.

Oh, yeah? Then why am I dancin', jim?

Why am I dancin'? Stop that.

Huh? Stop that. Now--

Now you're--you're-- you're rubbin' it-- whoo!

Mr. Estrada! Mr. Estrada!

Wait a minute, mr. Estrada!

Unh! (Cheryl) jim!

Hey! Hey! Do you remember me?

(Brakes screech)

Get off my car, loco!

I was at the old orchard mall!

I gave you directions!

Aah! Mr. Estrada!

Ooh! Unh!

Get off my car, buddy!

No! You gave me the g*ns!

Jim! Get off!

Aah! (Brakes screech)

Oh! Oh, god.

Ma'am?

Yes?

He'll be okay, but he may have a concussion,

So we'll bring him to the hospital for observation.

Oh, thanks.

Honey, did you hear that? You're going to the hospital,

But I'm gonna ride in the ambulance with you.

Cheryl, come closer.

This parking lot is $ an hour.

Take the car...

And when you get to the hospital,

Park on the street.

Okay, baby.

He's back.

Use the meters. You got coins?

Yes, honey, I got coins.

Is he gonna be okay?

Hi.

Is he gonna be okay-- your husband?

Oh--oh, him. Oh, yes. He's gonna be fine.

Oh, that's great. Listen, I'm sorry about all this.

Oh.

Do I know you?

Uh, no, no, i-i don't-- I don't think so. No.

Wait a minute. I know.

You gave me directions once.

No, no, no, i-i don't-- you see,

I-i just moved to this country. I just learned english.

I-i mean, the english.

You were with some guy.

He gave me directions to old orchard mall.

O-okay, okay, w-what is a star like you

Doing going to the mall?

It was my nephew's graduation.

I bought him some placemats.

Of course, you did.

Yeah, they were pretty funny.

Usually, they don't let you do pictures of your butt,

But... (Clicks tongue) I'm erik estrada.

You got to speak to erik estrada? Yeah.

Did he say anything about the old orchard mall?

Never been there.

Wow. I must be...

Wrong.

Yeah. Well, but honey, look at the bright side.

Now we can really let it go.

So I'll just write it down in the book,

And we can get on with our lives.

Erik!

Hey, buddy.

I just brought you these flowers to say that I'm sorry

And that you shouldn't try to sue me,

Because my lawyers are better than yours.

I'm not gonna sue anybody.

Look, you jump on a moving car, you take your chances.

And thank you for stoppin' by,

But jim really needs his rest.

So if you wanna just go, go, go.

Hey, congrats on marryin' up.

When we first met, I didn't think you had a sh*t.

I'll be seein' you.

Ponch, freeze!

What did you mean by when we first met?

Ten years ago. You gave me directions to old orchard mall.

Thanks, by the way. Those directions were perfect.

No, thank you, mr. Estrada.

Thank you very, very much. It's so tasty!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, one more question.

You know that coffee shop that's down on roosevelt?

Oh, yeah, the one that used to be the chinese laundry.

What am I doin', cheryl? Cheryl, what am I doin'?

I'm dancin', cheryl.

I'm dancin'!

(Clicks tongue)

(Chips theme song playing)

(Clicks tongue)
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