05x16 - Get Your Freak On

Episode transcripts for the TV show "According to Jim". Aired: October 3, 2001 to June 2, 2009.*
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A comedy following a suburban macho husband, wife and their three children.
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05x16 - Get Your Freak On

Post by bunniefuu »

All right, kids,come on.

You're gonna be late.

Thank you, sweetie.here's yours.

I'm too sickto go to school.

Really?

Oh, if you're that sick,maybe you should stay home.

Hold it right there!come on, over here.

Let's go.

Not buying that. Come on.what's your symptoms?

My stomach hurts.

(Imitates child's voice)oh, your stomach hurts.

(Normal voice)come on, now.

Listen,i didn't buy you

As that mushroomin that school play,

And I'm not buyingthat you're sick right now.

But I am. I really am.

Ooh, if you would haveput a little cough

At the end of that,you might have had me.

Come on, let's go.to school, now.

(Gracie vomits)

Cheryl, she's reallyselling it.

♪♪♪

You know, cheryl,i fought it tooth and nail,

But this dinner partyturned out to be...

Not too sucky.

I know.

Your pants are on,none of our guests are in tears.

You know, it ismy best party ever.

Look, I didn't evenhate dana that much.

Aww...jim, that's sweet.

You know, I didn't hate youthat much, either,

But I didn't wantto say anything.

And how about andy'snew girlfriend here?

I mean, the reasoni bring it up

Is because andyhad dated some real losers. Oh.

Oh, come on, remember thatcrazy chick from the d.m.v.?

Whoo-whoo!

I am that crazy chickfrom the d.m.v.

I know.

I'm just sayingi remember you.

It's okay, jim.

Bernice looks different.

She, um...bought a new purse.

Plus she's gettinga nightly dose of vitamin andy.

Why to me?

I'm over hereminding my own business,

Thinking about dessert.

Now I'm seeingyour sex face.

Okay, who wants dessert?

Oh, I do.you know what? Let us help.

Oh... Come on, let us help you.

Jim, honey,

Where are you going?i thought you were gonna help.

Did you, cheryl?

Did you really?

Oh.

So, bernice,

Are you and andygetting serious?

We've been going outa month. Right.

We really don't go out.we mostly stay in.

You got it?

Oh, I got it.now where do I return it?

I'm having a girls' nighton thursday. Wanna come?

Could get crazy.

Gals from the d.m.v.,Some cosmos, cheese.

Wow, booze, cheeseand no one calling me mommy?

I'm there.

So, andy, how did youand bernice get back together?

Well, it wasa normal saturday night.

I was driving byold girlfriends' houses.

Saw bernice through her window,crying and eating pie.

Were you eating pieand crying, too?

I said it wasa saturday night.

Yeah.

Hey, guys,it is fantastic.

I mean, usually I start outbeing friends and build to sex,

But with bernice,it's just sex.

With any luck,we'll never be friends.

Oh, there she is.

How's my angel?

Honey, bernice invited us overfor a girls' night on thursday.

Oh, what a great idea.you know what? I know.

Maybe I'll havea boys' night thursday.

Yeah, and we'll havesome poker, beer,

Some light nudity, cheese.

Honey,what about the kids?

Well, I thoughtyou'd take them with you

On girls' night.

Did you, jim?

Did you really?





This is a reallyfun party, bernice.

Yes, it is.

I'm blowing the roof offthis sucka.

Is everyone enjoyingmy homemade cheese?

Oh, homemade.

That explains it.

All right,now the real fun begins.

Who's ready to shop?

Oh. Oh, great.

Actually, I could usea new pair of slippers. Yeah.

Dana.

Yeah?

Is your catalogall sex stuff?

I don't think so.

This thing looks likea lemon zester.

Oh... Yeah.no, it's all sex stuff.

As my regulars know,

I make a little extra moneyselling exotic adult novelties.

The d.m.v.doesn't pay very well.

But the mailing listi got from their computers

Helped move some merch.

God, would you look atall this sex stuff?

Yeah, it's amazingthose girls from the d.m.v.

Aren't in better moods.

Yeah, really.

Everything's on displayin my bedroom,

So go in and get wild.

There's alsoan irregular table

If anyone's looking fora discount,

And a big and tall table.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

I don't needany of this stuff.

You know, jim and I actuallyhave a fantastic sex life.

Just last night, we--

Well, hello. Hmm.

I don't know, I think ryan and icould use something

To spice things up.

Things have gottena little monotonous

Since we started tryingto have a baby.

Check out page .

I'm going in.

Oh.

You know what I think?i think you've got the old maid.

Maybe I do,maybe I don't.

What are you guys doing?

You're having poker night,

So we're havingold maid poker night.

And every five seconds,kyle goes all in.

I'm all in!

Oh, jeez, look at these.

Daddy, we're using those.

Yeah, well, why don't youchop up some cucumbers?

There's no chancei'm gonna want those.

Knives are in the drawer.

Oh, thank you,thank you, ladies.

A pair of s?seriously, come on.

How can youplay those cards?

What can I say?my mind's on other things.

Hey, doc, I'm laying more pipethan standard oil.

Again, why to me?

I'm telling you,there's enough pipe there

To go to saudi arabiaand back.

All right, all right,all right, all right.

With any luck, we'll neverhave to tap into alaska.

Come on, I liked it betterwhen you were paying for it.

Come on...

You enjoy the sex while itlasts, andy, because it won't.

No, no, no. He's right, he's right.

Yeah, with my ex,the sex went out the window

Somewhere between"i" and "do.&Quot;

Oh, please. No, it's true.

I mean, you know what?dana and I used to be wild.

But now we're tryingto have a baby.

That's when itbecomes a job.

Yeah, and then afterwards,she has her legs up

And lies motionlessfor minutes.

I'd k*ll for my wifeto lie motionless.

You know what, andy?don't listen to these guys.

Cheryl and I have been togetherfor years.

Our sex is as hot now as it wasthe first time we did it.

And I'm telling you,

We did it,every which way but loose.

You know whati'm talking about, doc?

Do I have"tell me about your sex life"

Written on my forehead?

Jim, I don't buy it.i don't buy it. What do you mean?

No, no, no, man.passion doesn't last that long.

You know what?

In our relationship,not only does it last,

It gets better. Really?

Oh, we know all the moves.you know, lights on, lights off.

In the bed,on this poker table.

(All) oh!

I'm telling you,she knows what I like,

I know what she likes,

And there's alwaysa sandwich afterwards.

Now a sandwich... That makesa difference.

No, guys, I got it made.

Honest to god,i mean, no complaints,

No surprises.

Whoo!

Mama's going shopping!

(All) whoo!





(Giggling)

(Both giggling)

All right,i know that look.

That's the nookie look.

(Both giggling)

Yeah, you guys got somelast night, didn't you?

All right, all right.what happened to your arm?

Oh, well, milady got somenew equipment from thailand.

Kind of exceededthe weight limit,

But the painwas worth the magic.

So, jim, jim, jim.

What, what, what?

What happened last nightafter cheryl got home?

Nothing. I was asleep.

She didn't bring anything homefrom the sex toy party?

Sex toy party?

(Andy and ryan giggle)

These "girl night" parties,

They're just an excusefor bernice to sell sex stuff.

I didn't know it before'cause we don't talk.

And you guysgot some treats?

(Both giggling) maybe she--you know what?

Maybe she bought something,but decided not to wake me up.

You know what? I shouldn'thave had that eighth beer.

It always knocks me out.

No, no, no.you know what, jim?

I bet she's gonnasurprise you tonight. Hey.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah,that's it, of course.

Cheryl's gonnasurprise me tonight.

You know what?i better prepare for that.

I better take a napor something, maybe two naps.

Trust me,you're gonna need it.

Oh... Hell, yeah.

I think I broke a riband punctured a lung,

And I'm loving it!

Gee, I wonderwhat kind of toys

She's gonnawhip out tonight for me.

Word of warning. Yeah?

If she pulls out thislittle thing that looks like

A friendly little bunny...

It's not.

Okay.

(Both giggling)

Hey, honey, I'm home.

Holy... Ma... Ma.

(Southern accent)are you the man that's been

Driving cattleacross my land?

Reckon I am.

Well, we don't cottonto no free grazers around here.

Get 'em off.

(Southern accent)and if I don't?

Then I reckon I'm gonnahave to dance for you.

(Imitating g*nshots)

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa, scout!you settle, boy!

Settle down there, scout!

Whoa! Whoa!

Hey, there, little missy.

Me and scout here need a placeto bunk for the night.

Got any money, stranger?

No, ma'am,but I can work.

Fix whatever's brokearound here,

Break whatever's fixed.

I don't exactlyfollow you, stranger.

Maybe I should follow you.

I'm not going anywhere.

Maybe I shouldjust dance for you.

Where'd she hide it?she's gotta have it.

Honey...

Yes?

Kids are asleep. Yes!

You and me. You and me!

(Laughs)

You coming on to me ina maybe new and intriguing way?

Maybe. Hold on.

Ooh! Something intriguingin that drawer?

Ragweed season.

Come on.

Oh, honey,would you mind

Grabbing me some socksout of that drawer?

Me feet are cold. Sock drawer! Of course.

The sock drawer!

I'm gonna openthis sock drawer,

And wouldn't itsurprise me to find...

Socks?

Yeah. Honey, would you grab memy old red woolies?

Yes, the red woolies!of course!

Oh...

Inside this red woolie is...

A dryer sheet?

Honey, hurry.my toes are freezing.

Yeah. All right.

Let's knock this out.

Stupid regular sex.





Yes, that purchase would havebeen made on thursday night.

&Quot;garden of eden enterprises--$ . .&Quot;

Yeah, what did she buy?

Look, I don't knowhow you guys

Handle it in pakistan, all right?

But here in america,a husband has the right to know

What their wives buy!

Oh, right, yeah,you're in delaware. Sure.

Hey, I got the catalog. Give me that!

Bernice wouldn't tell mewhat cheryl bought.

She's got some stupid ruleabout privacy.

Privacy? She has sex with youin the park.

Yeah, about that--the hearing's next week.

I might miss work.

Jim, why didn't youjust ask cheryl

What she boughtlast night?

I don't know. I thoughtshe was gonna surprise me.

By the time I realizedshe wasn't,

General sherman had alreadyburned through the south.

Hello!

What's the big deal?

I thought your sex lifewas great.

I thought so, too!

But cheryl's buying these toysand not sharing them with me.

That's not a good examplefor the kids.

Oh, boy,you know what, jim?

I blame myself for this.i really do.

I mean, once berniceshowed cheryl

What complete sexualsatisfaction's all about...

Well, how do yougo back to hamburger

Once you'veheard about steak?

I am steak!

Really?

Then why is cheryl spending$ . On side dishes?

(Buzzing sound)

Cheryl, what the hell?

Don't I get to play?

Play what?

Uh... Dentist?

Okay.

(Buzzing stops) spit!

Okay.

This is fun.

Well, you know,i have this cavity.

Wait a minute, I'm the dentist,so you'd have the cavity.

You know what?let me start over.

Let me come back in. Okay, jim, honey, honey...

What's going on?

I'll tell youwhat's going on!

I'll tell youwhat's going on!

I know you wentto that sex toy party,

And you bought something!

Oh. Yeah.

Cheryl, I mean, you know,i'm your husband.

I have a right to know.this is not pakistine!

What?

Well, did you need that?i mean, did you need something?

I mean, am I not enough?

Oh, honey, no, no.

I didn't buy it for me.

I-i bought it for us.

Oh.

Oh.

All right, well,where is this thing?

I mean, the kidsare at karate class.

I'm sure andy left.let's break this bad boy out!

Oh, honey, are you sure?it's kind of... What?

Scary.

Scary? Yeah, it's scary.

Come on, you got a big,strong man right here. Oh.

It's not shapedlike a spider, is it?

No.

Okay.

Let's break it out.

(Sighs) under the bed,of course.

Very clever.

You're not a sn*per,are you?

Oh, jeez...

What the...

I thought it was, like,a rabbit or a bunny.

It's a...

What the hell is that?

I don't know.the instructions are in german.

I don't even knowwhat it does!

Well, if it's in german,

It probably drinks beerand wants to conquer europe.

Well, what do you think?should we try to turn it on?

Okay.

(Both scream)

Whoo! Look at that!

My lord!

What...

Why is that part spinning?

Oh. Oh!

I'm pretty sure I've seenthat other end there

On a shoe buffer.

Okay, honey, turn it off.

No, you turn it off.

Are you scared?

Of that? Yeah.

Yeah.

Go ahead.turn it off.

Watch your fingers!

Aah!

Cheryl...

We don't need that.

No, no,not unless you need to

Rip up a stumpin the backyard.

Cheryl, what would possess youto buy something like this?

Well...

I thought it might be fun.

Did you, cheryl?

Did you really?

Well, jim... What?

I mean, it was a party and allthe girls were so excited,

And they were buyingall these toys-- yeah, yeah, yeah, how muchdid you have to drink?

That much. Yeah.

Cheryl...

I know. I know.

What?

You know, honey,you had to be there.

It sounded like everybody

Was having thesereally freaky sex lives,

And I guess I started to feellike we were missing out.

You know, I kind offelt that way

When andy and ryanwere going on. Really?

Yeah, but I thoughtabout it.

We're not missing outon anything.

We're steak, baby.

Is steak a good thing?

Come on, when is steaka bad thing?

I mean, if you havehigh cholesterol

And your doctor saysyou can't eat red meat... Okay, okay, cheryl,come on.

Look, who careswhat kind of sex

Other people in the worldare having?

Our sex life is great,isn't it?

Yeah.

It is, right? It is.

Yeah, I mean,it's not a competition.

No.

And if it was a competition,we'd win.

We would kick their asses.

(Laughs)

Oh! Man!

Honey, we gottaget rid of that thing.

I don't thinki can return it.

Well, why don't we justdonate it to some charity?

I mean,an open-minded charity. (Laughs)

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! (Screams)

Oh, my god!oh, jeez! Okay, okay, okay,okay, okay!

Grab it! Grab it! No! Get away!get away! Get away!

Watch it! Watch it!watch it!

Get in there! Get in there!get in there! Get in there!

Oh!

What do we do? Sell the house.
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