05x17 - The Grumpy Guy

Episode transcripts for the TV show "According to Jim". Aired: October 3, 2001 to June 2, 2009.*
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A comedy following a suburban macho husband, wife and their three children.
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05x17 - The Grumpy Guy

Post by bunniefuu »

(Laughs)

Oh, man!

Yeah, you wannatake that move back,

Don't ya, sunshine?

I'd love to let you,but them's ain't the rules.

(Laughs)

Okay,here's the problem--

You're not paying attention.

Now I don't wanna sayit's because you're a girl...

But, there, I just said it.(Laughs)

And that, my friend,is checkmate. Ahem.

I leave youwith this piece of advice...

Never underestimateyour opponent.

It could be costly.

Oh, kids.

Pretty good take.

But we still don't have enoughfor the video game.

(Gasps) here comes daddy.hide, hide!

Hey, daddy. Hey.

Wanna play chess?

Sure.

Oh, hold on. Ah.let's play for money.

I got my eyeon a video game.

♪♪♪

(Dog barking)

Oh.

(Barking continues)

Oh. Come on.

(Barking continues)

Oh! All right, that's it.

That stupid dog.that crazy neighbor of ours

Is letting that dogbark on purpose.

Julie is not crazy.she's a nice woman.

Julie is crazy... Oh, jim.

And she's nota nice person.

Oh.

You know, she's lettin'that dog bark

Because I won't trimthat branch off the tree.

Oh. Come on.

Don't you get it--bark... Tree?

She's fiendishly clever.

Oh. She is.

Oh.

(Dog barking) oh, that's it!

That's enough.that's enough.

We'll see how she likes it.

(Dog barking)

(Barking)

Jim.

(Howling)

Stop it.

Aah!

This feud has beengoing on for ten years.

It's enough.

Okay, you're right.i'm gonna end it right now.

I'm gonna go over thereand talk to her. No, jim...

Yelling is not gonnasolve anything.

You're just gonnamake it worse. How can I make it worse?

What, is the doggonna bark show tunes?

All right, fine,but I'm goin' with you.

Last time you went over there,you mooned her

Through her front window. Yeah...

Yeah, well,that was payback

For her rattin' me outto the city.

You can't put your ownspeed bumps on a city street.

Cheryl, if I can paintmy own stop sign,

I can put outmy own speed bumps!

Don't worry about a thing.

I'm gonna go over there,i'm gonna talk to her

Like a reasonable,responsible adult.

Fine. Give me the squirt gunyou just put in your pajamas.

What, are you crazy?

Fine, fine.

You be careful with that.that is loaded. Oh.

You're leavin' a loaded gunin the bed like that?

Get out, get out.





Unh.

(Dog barking) ring the bell again.

No, I already rang it twice.three times is rude.

All right. Then I'm onlygonna ring it once.

(Doorbell buzzing)

Oh, please don't do that. Will you stop it?

Stop it. Hey, you stop it.

Hey, hey. Don't hurt me.

Oh, come on. Okay, game face,game face.

It's not my game. Play with me!

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

You.

Cheryl, darling.

What do you want?

Uh, julie, w-we're sorry to--to come over so late, but...

Yeah, but your stupid dog

Has been barking all night!he's barking!

(Cheryl) shh.

I don't hear trevor barking.

Trevor? That's whyhe's barking so much--

He hates his name! Enough.

Maybe what you hearis your tree limb

Thumping up against my house.

Okay, here, we go. Okay.

You know, maybei'd trim that tree limb

If you didn't call the copson my band practice.

Practice? You need practiceto be that bad?

(Inhales sharply)

Okay, julie. Okay, look,

Just bring the dogback inside, okay?

I don't wanna be awakeright now.

And I don't want squirrelsrunning into my office

From your tree limb.

Well, what are yougonna do, lady?

Squirrels look for nuts.

Then I suggestyou close your robe.

(Sighs) okay,and on that note,

I think it's timeto go to bed.

Good night, julie.

(Sighs)

(Grunts)hey, hey, hey!

All right, julie,whatever happens next--

And trust me,it's gonna be big--

You brought it onyourself!

Jim, enough.

Ooh, not so tough now,are you?

What's the matter, trevor?cat got your tongue?

(Barks)

Aah!

(Barks) all right, all right!

You won nothin'.

(Barks)

Please? Please?

Please? Please? Oh, shut up.

Morning, all.

(Laughs)

Nothin' like a solid hours of sleep

To start your day.

They say it's the keyto happiness.

Boy, I believe it.

You know, they also sayit's a sign of depression.

Shut up!shut your stupid hole!

How is itthat you didn't hear

Julie's dogbarking all night?

I swear that womanlives to torment me.

Yeah, I've always liked thatabout her.

(Doorbell rings)

You know, I was surprisedthat julie even got a dog.

She seems more likea cat woman.

Yeah.

Oh, good morning, julie.

I wish it were.

My dog is missing...

(Gasps)

And he did it.i know he did.

I did--w-what?i didn't do anything.

You opened the gateso trevor could escape.

You thinkyou're so smart, don't you?

You're accusing meof letting your dog out?

You're accusing himof being smart?

Look, julie,maybe he's just hiding.

Oh, yeah, yeah.you know, when I was a kid,

I had a pet gerbilthat got out.

Mom saidhe was just hiding.

Guess he still is.

Friends forever,butterscotch.

You're such a delight.

(Cheryl) y-you know, julie,you know what I'm gonna do?

I am gonna organizea neighborhood search.

Don't worry.we'll find trevor.

Oh, thank you, cheryl.

Mm.

Were you born a jerkor did you just

Go to somespecial jerk school?

Nice try, julie, but that'sone of those questions

Where whatever I pick,i'm still a jerk.

You have a keen graspof the obvious.

Oh, my dear trevor.

You are without conscience.

My god!

Can you believe her?

Yeah.

Without question.

Absolutely.

What?

Are you kiddin' me?come on.

I wouldn't let that dog out.i would never do that.

Oh, of courseyou wouldn't, jim.

Hey, maybe it was

The same "damn teenagers"who knocked over her mailbox

When she insultedyour new haircut.

Come on, jim, how'd you do it?it's just us.

How'd you lure that dog out,bacon in your pockets?

Well, I didn't do it!

So if we checkedyour pockets right now,

We wouldn't find any bacon?

That's not what I said.





He's just a poor,innocent puppy.

All right, people,listen up!

Julie's drivin' aroundthe neighborhood.

We are goin' out on foot.our fugitive's name is trevor.

He also respondsto "trevinator,"

&Quot;t-bone,"and "who's a pretty boy?&Quot;

Oh, and--and also, uh,

While you're out there,if you find

A lavender cashmere glovethat matches this one,

I'd be very grateful.

Mommy, I know howwe can find trevor.

We should all walk backwards,'cause he likes to smell butts.

Oh, uh, thank you.

Thank you, honey.oh, all right, people.

We only got eight hoursof daylight left.

Let's plan our search.

I'll take the north sideof maple and head to the park.

Great, great. (All talking at once)

And my car's in the front.we can take that. (Talking stops)

What?

A widow's dog?

How do yousleep at night?

Much better now thatthat stupid dog is missin'.

All right,come on, come on.

Uh, look, I may have donesome crazy things

In this feud with julie,all right?

I may havepainted my curb red

So she doesn't park her carin front of my house.

And then writtenfake parking tickets,

Placed 'em on julie's car

So she couldn't parkin that "no parking" zone.

(Jim) right...

And I may have plantedchicken bones in her front yard

And called the museumand had them

Dig up the yardfor dinosaurs,

But know this...

I had nothing whatsoever

To do with trevor'sdisappearance.

I believe you, daddy.

Thank you. See that, huh?

This cynical world hasn'tchanged this -year-old boy.

Now you hear me.

I am ashamed of all of you.you sicken me.

Jeez, andy... You see what I did there?

What are you--what are you doing? You know, i-i blamed them--made it their fault,

Even though you took the dog.

I didn't take the dog.i love dogs.

Oh, that's good.he loves dogs...

And children...

Come on.

And céline dion! Come on!

Damn that julie.

She's gotthe whole neighborhood

Treating me like I'm an ostrichfor somethin' I didn't even do.

Ostrich?

Ah, cheryl's word.i don't know.

Oh, ostracized.

(Dog barks)

Did you hear that?

(Barking continues)

That sounds like trevor.

Yeah, it sounds likeit's coming from out back.

(Barking continues) I wanna find him!i wanna be the hero!

No, unh! Andy, ow!

Andy, hey...

I'm the hero,you're the sidekick!

Damn.

You're hidin' him in the garage.you monster!

I didn't take the dog!now stop it!

Look! Look, there's trevorright there!

He was--he was just therein the window!

Yeah. Guilt plays trickson the mind, jim.

You knowwhat needs to happen?

When julie gets home today,you need

To march right over there,and for once in your life

Say, "i'm sorry.i'm a foolish idiot.&Quot;

Ooh, there he is.

Look at that.he wasn't missin' at all.

Julie's hiding himin her house. (Barks)

My gosh, jim. Why?

Ooh.

Why... Indeed?

Julie claimsthe dog is missing...

Yet, there he sits,

Framed by yon windowsill.

(Jim) hmm.

A frame-up.

Of course!

Holy dog bone, jim,she's trying to bury you!

Precisely, chum.

Oh, can you believe her?

Oh, lyin' to the entireneighborhood

Just to make you look bad.what a despicable woman.

Well, andy...

Some people in americahave no morals.

All right.

Let's break into the houseand steal the dog.

But, gosh, jim, how?

Well, we'll just use

This coiled up length of ropewith a grappling hook on it...

Climb up the tree. Yeah.

Oh! Aah!

Unh! Ow!

Sorry, there, chum.

One more time.

Oh!

All right,let me do it.

Good sh*t, chum.

Boy, this tree seemeda lot shorter from the ground.

I know.

Andy...

Yeah, jim?

You're a little too close.

Zzz.

Ah-choo!

Oh!

Unh. Unh.

Hey, jim, look...

Unh.

A lavender cashmere glove.

Eh, just one.

Eh.

(Both grunting)

Andy...

Yeah, too close again?

Yeah.

Sorry.

Unh.

Unh.

(Tree creaks)

Andy...

Tell me that wasyour knee cracking.

I was hoping it was yours.

Oh, oh, oh.

Grave situation, andy.

Oh! Oh! Holy newton's law, jim!

Aah!

(Man) have our fearless duogone too far out on a limb?

Will jim continueto be dogged

By these allegations,

Or is it the perfect crime?

Stay tuned--

Same jim time,same jim channel.





(Both grunting)

Whew.

Gee, how lucky was itthat that tree limb

Was right overa big pile of leaves?

Yeah,and cheryl was mad at me

Because I didn't bag the leavesafter I raked 'em.

Yeah, I'm kinda angryyou didn't take the rake in.

Yeah.

Whew. How're we gonnaget in that house?

We need that dog, man.

Yeah,how're we gonna get in?

Hey, what you guys doin'? We're tryin'to get into julie's house.

Why can't uncle andy just crawlthrough the doggie door?

Oh, right, it's a doggie door,not a cow door.

All right, all right, all right,all right, all right.

Hey, why don't you crawlthrough the doggie door?

Okay. Come on over here.

All right, look,when you get in the house...

(Mumbles) get...

When you get in the house,

You unlock that front door,but if you see trevor,

Don't do anythingwith the dog.

But why? Because that dogis an animal,

And you leave that animalto the men. (Gracie) okay.

(Barking)

All right, all right.dogs smell fear, so smile.

(Barking)

There you are, trevor.who's a pretty boy?

Who's a pretty boy?

That a girl, gracie.you're so brave.

You're so brave.you take the dog.

All right, come on. Grabthe dog. Let's get outta here.

Whoa, jim, check this out.

What?

Julie must be a fanof "the grumpy guy.&Quot;

&Quot;grumpy guy"?

Yeah, it's a seriesof kids' books

Written by this dudec.w. Semple

About a nice family who livesnext to a cranky, grumpy man.

I love the grumpy guy.

(Jim) "the grumpy guyand the red curb.&Quot;

&Quot;the grumpy guyand the big branch.&Quot;

&Quot;the grumpy guyand his awful band.&Quot;

(Gasps) jim,you're the grumpy guy.

And julie is c.w. Semple.

&Quot;c.w.,&Quot;that makes sense...

For "crazy woman"!

(Laughs)

Who's this?who's this monkey?

Oh, that's his portly sidekicknamed randy.

Oh, my god...

That must be cheryl.

All right. Grab these books.come on, trevor, let's go.

I can't believeyou're the grumpy guy.

I mean, how couldi have missed the resemblance?

Please. That's not me.

That's just a highlyfictionalized character

Loosely based on me.

Right. &Quot;the grumpy guyand the homemade fireworks.&Quot;

Oh. I forgot about that one.

Uh-huh.

(Laughs)

She's coming.julie's coming.

Jim, you should haveseen her face

When I told heryou found trevor.

Oh, a good bustreally turns me on.

Thank you, andy.

(Imitates julie)you're such a delight.

(Laughs)

(Barks) (normal voice) what?

I told you, I don't haveany more cookies.

(Barks) what?

Okay, okay, okay, okay,okay, okay.

Here, here, here,i'll split it with you. (Growls)

No, no.

All right, take the whole thing!take the whole thing!

Unh.

Trevor! Baby!

Come to mommy.come over here.

Boy, julie,you must be so relieved.

I bet you thoughtyou'd lost trevor forever.

Oh, thank you.

And thank you for trimmingyour tetrafolium immasculatis.

That's "tree" to you.

Oh, I understand.i speak catholic.

Come, darling. We'll go homenow. Come, come here.

Not so fast, julie.

Don't you wanna stick aroundand hear the story

About how we found trevor?

Not really.

Maybe becauseyou already know.

I do?

In think you do.

Thinking now, are we?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Are you playingcat and mouse with me?

Yes, but this time,i'm the cat.

You fool.i'm always the cat.

Well, cat, maybe I setthe bait for you, and you bit--

Oh, will you twoknock it off?!

This stupid feud has beengoing on long enough.

Now, julie... What?

Jim did not let your dog out.what's goin' on?

Yes, yes, what is goin' on,mr. C.w. Semple?

♪ Dun, dun, dun ♪

Oh. Oh, I feel faint.i may pass out.

Go ahead.nobody's gonna catch you.

Oh, then I'm fine.

I had this deadline,you see,

And "the grumpy guy"hadn't thrown

Any terrible tantrumsin weeks.

So it is me...

And, cheryl, you're randy,the portly sidekick.

Oh, so, julie,

You've been fighting with jimall these years

Just to get storiesfor your books?

No, I genuinelydislike him.

So you wrote these booksto make me look like a jerk?

A jerk? I know my books

Are a little aboveyour reading level,

But "the grumpy guy"is my hero.

Y-yeah, a-actually,randy's the jerk.

Sorry, cheryl.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Oh, jim,it would be so sad

If there were no more"grumpy guy" books.

I'd missour quixotic adventures.

Yes, and you'd missthe slow ones, too.

And people thinki make this stuff up.

No, I mean, it--it reallydoesn't have to end.

It doesn't? It doesn't?

No, I mean, jim fightswith lots of people.

You could just follow himaround and take notes.

I don't fight with people.

They att*ck me,and I defend myself.

Right, right. Oh, jim,

Did I tell you that dutch egantook his lawn mower back?

I just put bucks worthof gas in that damn machine!

Oh, dear,i hope grumpy guy

Doesn't push egan'slawn mower...

Into his pool.

(Inhales) that's justwhat I'm gonna do...

As soon as I get the gasout of that t*nk!

Wait. No, jim,you can't do that.

Do you think they know?

They don'tsuspect a thing.

Oh.

Perfect.
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