(Jim laughs)
You know, every yeari think these leprechaun shoes
Aren't gonna be funny anymore,and every year, I'm wrong.
(Both laugh)
You know the two of youlook stupid, right?
The two of us...
Or the three of us?
I'm invited?
(Irish brogue) aye, sir!
Oh, man. Tonight's gonnatotally rock!
(Normal voice)i love st. Patrick's day.
I mean,it is the greatest holiday.
I mean, it's a religious holidaycentered around bars.
What was jesus thinkin'?come on!
And you know what, ryan?
You're not just gettin' hammeredwith a bunch of idiots.
You're gettin' hammeredwith the green man. (Laughs)
Yes. The king of allst. Patrick's day revelry
And hooligan emeritus. Yes.
Well, I must admit,your renowned shenanigans
Are one of the reasonsi married dana. Well, she wasn't pregnant.
So we were wonderin'why you married her.
(Laughs)
Okay, okay, okay. So what'sthe green man got planned?
(Irish brogue)planned, ya say?
Ye don't make planson st. Patty's day.
(Normal voice)no, somewhere around midnight
Or after the fifth pitcherof beer,
The green man infuses me,and I go out
And I delightthe people of chicago.
Then I hide in the bushes
Till the cops are goneand it's safe to go home.
(All laugh)
You want some more tea,reverend shelton?
Oh, thank you, no, dana.
So, cheryl,with ruth midford's passing,
There's now an opening onour church advisory committee.
Well, isn't that exciting?!
I mean...
Except for the partabout ruth dying.
She was so sweet.
Yeah, she was sweet,all right.
You know, I once wore jeansto a youth service,
And she called me a slut.
Well, I won't ask youto speak at her memorial.
You know, reverend,i-i would love
To be consideredfor a spot on that committee.
I have such exciting ideas.
You know, I really, really careabout this community.
Yeah, you also get a reservedparking spot at the church.
I do?well, I did not know that.
Sure, you did.you said you really w-- ow.
Now, cheryl, I've already placedyour name into nomination...
Oh!
And, frankly, barring anylast minute controversy,
I don't see any reason whyyou shouldn't be approved.
Well, that's one good thing
About beinga boring suburban housewife--
I don't really have to worryabout controversy. (Laughs)
(Humming irish jig)
(Gasps)
(Both grunt)
You know,i-i think it's faster
To go out backand through the alley.
Trust me on this.i-it's better.
♪♪♪
All right, guys, look,
We're gonna be drinkin'for hours straight.
So it's very importantto line our stomachs with bread.
It absorbs the alcohol,and god forbid,
If it comes up later on...
It comes out softand easy to clean up.
You know, I hear a lot of guys
Are celebratingst. Patrick's day this year
With a quiet dinner at home.
Yeah, the nursing home.
You know, ryan,
I-i don't know if I likethis whole idea
Of you gettingreally drunk tonight.
Please.
I don't think I needyour permission, woman.
(Laughs)
(Sighs)
I do what I want.
Oh, god, please, please.
Jim, can--can I talk to youfor a minute?
All right,all right, all right.
Ryan, start eatin' bread.you watch him.
Keep an eye on him. I don't wantany rookie mistakes.
(Humming)
You'd better watch it, kid,
'Cause I got two weeks lefttill retirement.
What are you talking about?
I saw it in a movie.i always wanted to say it.
I know what you mean.
Mine is khan!
But it's really hard to workinto a conversation.
How about this, huh? Wow.
Huh? Michael flatley,eat this!
Yeah, wow, honey.
(Irish brogue) very festive,wouldn't you say?
I know. I can seehow excited you are
About st. Patrick's day. (Normal voice) I am so excited,honey! I'm so thrilled!
And I thinkthat is just great.
Thank you, baby,for your support.
But I was wondering if--if maybeit wouldn't be a good idea
To pull it backa little bit this year?
Pull it back? Uh-huh.
Are you kidding me?come on, this is my holiday.
The kids get christmas,the gay guys get halloween,
This one's mine, baby.
Okay, what do I get?
What do you--(chuckles)
How about "my husbandbought me a house" day?
Oh, wait. I think that's moreof a year-round celebration,
Isn't it? Oh, right.yes, it is, honey.
Hey, hey, honey,
Hey, you knowwhat I just found out? Hmm?
I found I'm up for spot onthe church advisory committee.
Great! What's it pay?
Well, uh, nothing.it's volunteer.
Oh, well, that's good, too.
Yeah, yeah, honey,it's great,
And--and--and you know whatwould really help me out? Hmm?
If--if you and--and--and the green man
Could stay out of trouble.
(Sighs)
Define "trouble.&Quot;
That's not trouble.that's hijinks.
That's embarrassing.
Cheryl, now, come on.you know I can't embarrass you.
Oh, I know, I know, honey,i know this speech. Mm-hmm.
You can't embarrass me.only I can embarrass me. Mm-hmm.
I care way too muchabout what other people think.
How dare I try to stop youfrom being who you are?
Mm-hmm, and also, you knowwho I was when you married me.
I know, I was getting to that.i had to stop to take a breath.
Look, honey... Hmm?
I mean...
Can't the green mantake one year off?
Oh, cheryl. (Irish brogue)i am the green man.
I am chicago's delightfulfavorite little mascot.
(Normal voice) come on,i-i'm like robin hood.
Instead of helping the poor,
I mow dirty wordsin high school football fields.
You know, you're luckyyou haven't been arrested.
(Irish brogue)lucky...
Or magical?
Oh! (Humming irish jig)
Wait a minute. Y-you're reallyserious about this, aren't ya?
Yes.
You really don't want me
To have funon st. Patrick's day?
Oh. (Sighs)
The day that we rememberst. Patrick for...
Whatever it is he did?
Jim, this committeeis really important to me.
Honey, the green manis very important to me.
It's--it's--it's who I am.
I know, and who you areis a problem
For the peopleon the committee.
I don't give a hoity-toitywhat those people
On the committee think of me.i don't care.
Jim, I do.
Well, so what?
So I'm asking youto do this...
No, absolutely not!
For me.
For you.
For you.
For you!
For you.
For you!
For you!
For you. (Laughs)
(Sighs) for you.
Oh, look, another diet sodafor nancy o'funkill.
Thank you. (Sighs)
You may be boring, jim,but at least you're trim.
Thanks.
Seriously, jim,no green man?
That's like halloweenwithout gay guys.
Come on, I don't like itany better than you do,
But I made a promise to cheryl,and every once in a while
I gotta honor onejust to keep her guessin'.
Yeah, jim,but this sucks.
I mean, we look forwardto this every year.
Tony even sold his couchfor bail money.
Not my couch. A couch.
Come on. I don't have tohave fun to have a good time,
And you guys can dowhatever you wanna do.
Whoo!
I just peed green!(Laughs)
Today my life begins.why, thank you.
I don't mind if I do.
See that?ryan's havin' a great time.
Yeah, but he's a rookie.
He's never experiencedthe green man.
And once you've gone green,there's no in between.
Oh, please.
Come on, jim,be the green man. No.
Come on. For us.
For you?
For you?
For you.
For you. For you?!
Yes, for lou!
For lou!
Let's hear it for lou!we'll miss you, lou!
(Groans)
(Unzips pants)
(Sighs)
(Irish brogue)hello, there, jimmy boy!
Out for a night of mischiefand disrule, are ya?
I didn't really follow that.
Are ya goin' out to getyourself in trouble now?
Oh, trouble.no, no, I can't.
I promised my wifethat I wouldn't.
Ooh, makin' promisesto the wife now, are ya?
Well, she really wantsto get on this church committee
Really bad, you know?
Without sinners,there'd be no saints.
Hey, that's pretty good.did st. Pat say that?
No, it's on your buttonright there.
This is your church,
And those drunken idiotsout there are your people.
Lead them!
I don't know. (Sighs)
Come on, jim boyle...
Do it for you.
For me?
For you.
For me.
For you!
For me?
How many timesdo I have to say "for you"?!
For me!
For me!
For me!
Gentlemen,the green man lives!
(Cheering)
Whoo! (Laughter)
(Humming irish jig)
Oh, man. Jim's gonna beso mad that he missed this.
(All chanting)green man! Green man!
Green man! Green man! Green man!green man! Green man! Green man!
Mommy, we don't understandst. Patrick's day.
We don't get presents... And there's no candy.
Well, you get to pinch peoplewho don't wear green.
Stupid holiday!
Get him!
So you really trust jim tostay out of trouble tonight?
Oh, of course, I do.
I told him how muchthis committee means to me,
And I asked him nicely.
I'd better call him.
Yeah.
Nobody's answering.
Actually, that might be good.
Remember when you called,and the border patrol answered?
Yeah, the year the green maninvaded canada.
Yeah. They wereso polite about it.
(Sighs)
Oh, you know,i-i'm being silly.
I'm sure everything's fine.i mean, ryan's with him.
Yeah, and he'svery responsible. Right.
(Cell phone rings)
Ah, his ears must have beenburning. That's ryan.
He is so sweetand completely whipped.
(Both laugh)
Hi, sweetie. Oh.
Khan!
Whoo!
(All yelling) whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Whoo!
Crap on a cr*cker.
Your husbandbroke my husband!
Oh!
And now for the main event!the green man...
(All chanting) green man!green man! Green man!
Verses the lepre... Khans!
(All chanting)green man! Green man!
All right, boys,the gays get halloween,
We've got tonight.
(Irish brogue)come on, ya little people!
Aah!
Ooh! Ohh!
Ow!
(All grunting)
I'll just be one minute.i pro--
Hi. Hi.
I just need to go in and talkto my husband for one second.
I promise I'll be right out.
Sorry, lady.we're at capacity now.
Yell at himwhen he gets home.
Oh, oh, okay. Could I justrun in and use the bathroom?
'Cause I've had, like,eight cups of green tea.
So I'm kind ofat capacity, too. (Laughs)
Look, it's st. Patty's.
Go outsidelike the rest of chicago.
Oh, uh, you know,
I'm not really a pee inthe alley kind of girl, so...
I understand.you want your privacy.
Right.
Well, don't worry.there's a dumpster.
A dumpster? I will have you knowi'm a mother of three.
Oh, damn it.
Now you upset me,and I peed a little.
Who's got a camera?
I want a picture of my assright next to his face.
(Grunts) (cheers)
Oh!
Oh!
Come on! Come on!
(Irish brogue)all right, you little one.
Come on.give me your best sh*t.
Wish granted.
Ooh! (All groan)
(Grunting)
Come on, guys.jim needs our help.
What? Fight.
Aw, damn it, andy!
(All grunting)
(Irish brogue)the green man!
Aah!
Ma'am?
(Cheryl)oh, officer, thank god.
Hey, do you have a wet nap?
Yeah. About that...
Could you come out herewith your hands
And your pants up?
Are you arresting me?
Yes, I am.
Then I'm finishing.
Hey, you know...
Can you cut me a break?i mean, I'm a mother.
Oh, you are? Yeah.
Me, too.
Oh! Girls, and .
Oh. Yeah.
They pee inside.
Aha!
(All yelling)
Scepter!
(Laughs)
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Aah!
Let's rob a bank!
Yes! Yes! (All cheering)
Rob a bank!
Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
Whoo! Whoo!
Hey, I'm not coolwith robbin' a bank.
You know what? There aretwo hot dog stands and a zoo
Between us and the bank.he'll never make it.
Oh, cheryl, I can't wait to getthat reserved parking spot.
That trek acrossthe parking lot is hell.
&Quot;green man topples statueof frank lloyd wright.
Declares city free.&Quot;
Jim!
How could you?
Oh, cheryl, it could havebeen a lot worse.
I mean, we're lucky we didn'tfind a bank to rob.
Oh.
We ended up feedinghot dogs to a giraffe.
He didn't like it at first,but he came around.
Cheryl, come on.lighten up.
Come on, I see you're upset.cheryl?
(Scoffs) come on, cheryl.
Can't you let this go?
(Scoffs)
(Sighs)
For me?
For you?
For me.
For you.
For me.
For you?! No, hey!
For you?! For you?!for you?! For you?! Hey! Hey! Hey!
What are you doing?!come on, will ya?
Thank you for waiting.we're ready...
For you.
Good morning, cheryl, jim.
Good morning, reverend.
I'm afraid it isn't, cheryl.
Well, you just said it was-- I know what I said.
Shall I read back whatyou said from the record?
No.
Word has gotten outabout last night,
And for obvious reasons,
We have to remove your namefrom consideration.
Come on, what the hellkind of church is this? (Cheryl) jim...
I mean, wait a minute.no, honey. I mean,
You're gonna rejectmy lovely wife
Because of something I did?
I mean, what if that happenedto abe lincoln?
I mean, his wife was nuts...
And you probably all rememberthat, having voted for him.
You're out of order, sir.
I'm out of order?no, you're out of order!
This whole courtroomis out of order!
Thanks.i always wanted to say that.
Jim, it isn't because of youthat cheryl's off the committee.
We've received word thatlast night, cheryl was arrested.
What?
Yeah, um, ironic story.
Um, last night, I went out
To try to keep youfrom getting into trouble,
And i... Kinda got arrestedfor public urination.
(Sighs) way to go, baby!
The green mantakes a bride. (Laughs)
Honey, that is oneof the hottest things
I think you've ever done.
Hot or not, this committeehas no place on it
For a person who willdo things of that kind.
We have a standard of conduct
That your wifehas not lived up to.
Hey, wait a second.you're kidding me here, right?
I mean, she made one mistake.
You're gonna reject the bestwoman in the entire church
For one mistake?
Yes, we are.
Wow, that is cold, dude.
(Cheryl) oh, jim, honey,
You know what?he's--he's right.
I did make one mistake,but that mistake
Wasn't squattin' behindthat filthy dumpster.
It was putting a spoton some stupid committee
Over my husband.
Cheryl, first the police record,now you're sassin' the reverend?
We gotta stop at a motelon the way home.
Oh. Honey, okay, okay.just one sec. One sec.
One--hi. Look, none of usare perfect people,
Or we wouldn't cometo church.
That's right. Now you can eitherreject us for who we are,
Or you can do the right thingand accept us--
The pee lady and the green man,flaws and all.
Amen!
You know, cheryl,
I've been kicked outof a lot of things,
But never a church.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
I should never have asked youto change who you are.
On st. Patrick's day,
You are the green man.
Honey,don't b*at yourself up over it.
Oh, well. No, really,i should have told you
To cram it when you asked me.
Oh, that is so sweet.