(Bottles rattling)
(Crowd cheering on tv)
(Humming)
(Grunts) yeah.
(Cell phone rings)
(Ring)
(Ring)
(Ring)
(Tv turns off)
(Ring)
(Ring)
Hello?
Hello.
Crap.
(Tv turns on)
(Telephone rings)
(Ring)
(Ring)
(Ring)
(Ring)
Hello?
Hello.
Crap!
(Cheering on tv resumes)
Whew.
Hey, jim!
Check out my new cell phone.
I'm programming all your numbers into it.
♪♪♪
Good morning, my young love. Good morning.
Your breadwinner is here, up, ready to go.
All he needs is his multivitamin.
Ooh, wilma. Sweet.
So? You must be so excited.
Well, I do like my wilmas.
No, you're going to channel . That is so cool. Yeah, I know it's cool,
But we're just bidding on a remodeling job, so...
Oh, oh. You know what?
You know what? You might see jillian from the morning show.
Okay, okay, okay. If you see her,
Tell her I love what she's done with her eyebrows.
Has someone been
Into the breakfast wine again this morning?
I know. I'm sorry. It's just that I have been up since : .
Dana's baby shower is this saturday,
And I've just got so much planning to do.
Saturday is gonna be so much fun!
What's going on saturday?
Jim.
What?
Dana's baby shower.
It's coed, and you are my co-host.
One second.
Oh!
Coed baby shower? Yes!
What makes you think that I'm gonna go to a coed baby shower?
We've been talking about this for months.
Everybody is looking forward to it.
Look at all these fun shower games.
You know what? I showed you a fun shower game.
You didn't want to do it.
There is no good reason for a man to go to a baby shower,
And there's one great reason for him not to go.
Which is? It's a baby shower!
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Cheryl, you don't want me to go, honest. I do.
Cheryl, as soon as you see me pin a binky on the baby,
I'll stop being your husband and I'll become your girlfriend. Good.
No, cheryl, it's not good.
Wives don't sleep with their girlfriends.
Theory number six is-- no, no, no. You know what?
I don't want to hear any of your crackpot theories.
Crackpot? How about genius-pot? Oh!
Cheryl, I have a cohesive -point program
For men to become the men they always wanted to be.
Crackpot.
cr*ck-not!
You're on your own on sunday.
Saturday!
Make up your mind.
And later this morning on "windy city sunrise,"
We're going to be talking about "da bears"--
Specifically, which one has
The cutest butt in their uniform.
My pick? Hunter hillenmeyer.
(Purrs)
Yeah. Yeah, it's true.
Hey, uh, what are you giving dana for her baby shower?
My testicles.
'Cause if I'm there, they're not.
Well, I'm going, and I'm taking mine.
That shower's gonna be full
Of dana's desperate single friends.
Which means?
Ha ha ha ha!
That I'm on the express train to naked town.
All aboard!
(Imitates train chugging)
Next stop, doing-it-ville.
Hoo-hoo!
(Sighs) that's gonna stain,
And I've got to be on camera.
All right. I, uh, I need jim.
Jim? That's me.
We're ready for your interview.
We're ready to go. We just need jim.
Oh. Well, I can do it.
Yeah, you can, and maybe I can, too.
Gotcha.
(Both) whoo-whoo!
Hey!
Uhh!
Oh, hi. Whoa!
You're... You're tanya mountains.
You're-- you're the weather girl.
I gotta tell you, i-i love your work, miss mountains.
I watch you every day.
I don't take my umbrella out unless tanya tells me to.
It's so nice to meet a fan.
I can't tell you how many creeps
Just want to get with the weather girl.
I think there's a high pressure front
Moving behind my zipper.
Wow. This is--this is where they film the news.
Yeah, and maggie the clown does her show over there.
No kiddin'! Wow!
This concludes our tour.
Hi, jim.
Jillian. Jillian, it's so nice to meet you.
Wonderful.
Oh, my wife wanted me to tell you
That she, uh... She loves your new sideburns.
Uh, I think she probably meant my eyebrows.
I'm pretty sure it was sideburns.
Jim and andy from ground up design?
They're ready for you.
Oh, um, actually, someone already--
Oh, excuse me. I was in the restroom.
Has anyone been looking for jim mourning?
Welcome back. I'm here with jim mourning.
Morning.
Oh, my god.
Jim is a harvard-educated sociologist
Who is currently teaching
At the fashion institute of technology.
Let's talk about your fascinating new book,
"Beyond metrosexuality-- the new man today."
What does jim know?
Coed baby showers are so much fun.
Ugh. I know, but you know jim and his theories.
Thank god I'm the only one who has to listen to him.
Cheryl. Hmm?
Jim's on tv.
So I read your book.
Jim. Jim. Jim.
Right here. Your--your book?
Book. Oh, I loved it. Very provocative.
No, I didn't, uh...
You have a number of theories about men and women.
You know, I came here for...
Well, actually, i-i do have some theories.
Well, all of chicago's listening.
Then I have some theories...
For you, chicago.
(Screams)
So I told her, there's no way I'm going to a baby shower.
There is no good reason for a man to be at a baby shower.
And there's one great reason for a man not to be there.
Uh, what's the great reason?
It's a baby shower.
See?
Oh, thank you.
What a lovely camera crew you have. Thank you. Jim, I gotta say,
You don't really seem like much of a metrosexual.
I'm not a metrosexual.
Please, please, look.
I don't pluck, I don't moisturize,
And the only thing I wax is my car.
Oh, I'm a man who stands for being a man.
I'm more of a... Um...
I'm a, uh, flannelsexual.
But, jim, in your book-- I didn't write a book.
Come on. Even if I did write a book,
I certainly wouldn't take a picture of myself
And put it on the front with my cats.
Great. You know, we're gonna be taking
A little break right now-- no, no, no, no, baby. Hold on, sweets.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You got me going here. You got me going.
Which one's my camera?
Here?
You know, I have a cohesive -point program
To teach men how to be the men they always...
All right, now come on. I need you guys to focus.
We need to figure out what color we want
For dana's baby shower.
Nothing brightens up a room like periwinkle.
Don't tell daddy I said that.
Hey, young family.
(Children) daddy, daddy!
Oh!
They talked about you on the news again today.
(Jim) they did? That's three days in a row.
Your clip is the second most downloaded video
On the internet.
It's gonna be awfully hard
To b*at that kitten that looks like h*tler.
I don't know.
I may have another chance at it,
Because channel wants me
To do another spot on their morning show.
(Gasps) they're putting you on tv again?
Yes. On purpose?
Mm-hmm.
As a relationship expert.
"Ask the flannelsexual."
Kids, mommy's gonna need her breakfast wine.
You know what, cheryl? I just think chicago needs
A cohesive -point program to show men
How to become the men they always wanted to be.
There is no -point program.
It's just a bunch of crap you make up
When you want to get out of something.
"Crap." I change lives.
Ohh.
Cheryl, I threw out my hair gel, my loofah,
And I'm % sure
I've had my last brazilian.
Expert.
Not an expert.
Your son knows what periwinkle is.
There he is. You and I gotta talk.
Oh, yeah, it's talking time. Go, ryan.
I'm going. You ruined my baby shower.
What? What?
Every guy who was invited to the shower
Called to say he isn't coming,
Because this jackass said it wasn't manly. (Gasps)
Jackass? How about genius-ass?
Now only women are coming.
I don't get to celebrate the impending birth of my child
With any of my guy friends.
You're gonna thank me for that later.
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm gonna thank you now.
Me nd my unborn baby are gonna kick your ass. Ow! Get off me!
Wait a minute! Wait a minute.
A ladies-only shower because of jim?
Oh, this--this sucks!
That's right, I said it, and you know why?
Because it does. It suckity-suck-suck-sucks!
Okay. Cheryl, let's just calm down, okay?
We're gonna make this the best ladies-only shower ever. (Hisses)
We'll go in the kitchen and we'll have some tea.
Tea sucks!
Ryan, I guess you should just go ahead
And make plans for saturday.
Ugh! You can thank jim.
I will thank jim.
Uhh!
Uh... What's going on?
I don't know. I gave him the "hug's over" tap.
Want me to get him off you?
No, I think he needs this.
It's all right. It's all right.
You don't have to go to the baby shower.
Don't wanna go. I know. Just let it out.
I just got so scared.
I know.
Thank you very much.
Hello, jillian.
Mm.
Ready to change some lives, partner?
Your minutes are almost up, nutcase.
Nutcase...
Or crackpot?
Welcome back, chicago.
I'm here with jim, the flannelsexual.
And he's here to settle
The w*r between men and women.
Oh, please. There is no w*r.
Wars can be won. (Chuckles)
Okay, you know what?
Let's take our first caller.
Jeff in naperville, you are on with jim.
Yeah, hi, this is jeff.
Hi, jeff.
Um, I like watching football on sunday,
But my wife keeps bugging me to go on hikes.
Where?
Outside?
Hey, hey, jeffrey, flannel up, will you?
You have to define and set
The terms of your relationship.
And if she crosses over that line with her big toe,
Why, you take a hammer and you bang it!
And you hit her toe, and you hit it hard.
Okay, our legal department points out
That jim is speaking metaphorically.
Next caller.
(Cheryl) hi, i-i'm... Meryl.
Hi, meryl.
Hi, jillian. Listen, I've got to tell you,
I love what you've done with your eyebrows.
Thank you very much, meryl.
You know, you are on right now with the flannelsexual.
Oh. Uh, i-i'm upset with my husband... Tim.
Let me guess, meryl. Uh, he's probably right all the time,
And it's got you down?
Um, actually, he's refusing to come
To the coed baby shower
I'm throwing for my sister dana--dana-jo.
Wow. Sounds like tim is standing up for himself as a man.
You should probably have more sex with him. Next call.
No, you see, the problem is,
He's convinced all the other men not to come to the shower.
Suddenly they think it's not manly.
That's because it isn't manly.
But you wouldn't know about that, because you're a woman.
Next caller. Only I touch the phone.
(Whispering) jim.
That's cheryl on the phone.
It's not meryl.
It's cheryl, your wife...
On the phone.
(Grunts)
Okay, uh, so-- so tim and his friends
Won't go to the baby shower because it's... Not manly?
I know, I know. I don't get it either, jillian.
You know, tim says...
(Imitating jim) "you women are trying to turn men into women."
First of all, tim doesn't talk like that.
How do you know?
Because no man...
(Goofy voice) talks like this.
(Normal voice) but let me tell you something about tim.
He has a right to define the terms of his manliness.
No pun intended. I didn't hear a pun in there.
I said no pun intended. Next call.
Hey, hey. Hello.
Yeah, it's still meryl.
I don't think that's a real phone.
Look, this party is a celebration of our family,
And he should be there.
Let me tell you something about tim.
He doesn't even like dana... Jo.
And he doesn't think much
Of her husband... Dryan, either.
Dryan?
Yeah, I think he means brian.
He's got to stop with this baby shower, because if he doesn't,
What's next? Shopping for fabrics? Going to weddings
Of second cousins that he doesn't even know?
Oh, so now you're punishing me for things I haven't even done?
Absolutely!
Oh, well that's fair.
Well, did I or did I not go to some cooking class
During the sixth game of the world series?
What--what's happening here? You know what?
You brought a tv and you complained the whole time.
Thai food. Like... (Goofy voice) oh, boy.
I wish I knew how to cook thai food.
Oh, oh! You're doing it. You're talking like...
(Goofy voice) oh-dee-do-dee-do!
(Normal voice) that's not true! That's it!
No, no, I'm outta here. I'm outta here.
Wait, where are you going?
I'm gonna go fight with my... [Span tts:fontstyle="italic"]fife.
How dare you call my tv show and...
(Sniffs)
What's that smell?
Thai food. Get used to it.
That's it. That's it.
What are you doing?
I'm looking for a hammer. Take off that shoe.
I thought that was a metaphor.
It was, until you put your big foot over the line.
Here. This will do.
Come on. Take off that shoe.
Oh, oh, jim, stop it.
I had to call that show to make you realize
That my circus tent is falling down. What?
(Sighs) our life together is like a circus.
The kids are the wild animals,
Parties like this are the trapeze act,
I am the ringmaster, and you, jim,
Are the big wooden pole that holds up the tent.
Wait a minute. That's [span tts:fontstyle="italic"]my circus tent theory.
Yes, it is. And I need your support.
You know, you're the one who's always saying,
"If he wants a happy life, a man needs a happy wife."
I'm not gonna be happy unless you go to that shower.
Curses!
Trapped by my own theories.
This sucks.
This suckity-suck-suck-sucks!
Okay, honey, honey.
My only sister is having her first baby.
Our first niece.
Or nephew.
Look, the point is, it's really important to me
That you be at that party.
(Sighs)
All right, I'll go to the sh--
Baby shower.
You win, okay?
Thank you.
That's why you're my great big pole.
Oh, honey, don't feel bad. I mean, it's like you say.
You know... (Goofy voice) never argue with a woman.
They know all the words.
Hey, I don't talk like that! Well--
I do not talk like that--
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, blondie, wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what?
You know what, you just quoted
Three of my so-called crackpot theories.
Well... (Sighs)
Yeah.
Look who's a closet flannelsexual.
(Sighs) okay. Occasionally the crackpot makes a point.
Hmm. Occasionally, huh?
Well. I'll take that as a win.
Fine. But I'm still going to ignore
The ones about the space program
And which countries we don't need.
Still a win.
But you're coming to the shower, right?
Oh, yeah, I'll come to the shower,
Because point number ten--
"Always be a gracious winner to the wife."
Especially if you know
You're gonna get a little lucky later.
(Laughs) yeah.
That's my tim. Yeah.
Meryl.
Okay.
Okay, jim,
I'm giving you the "hug's over" pat.
Oh, honey, this is not a hug.
Aah!