06x06 - All the Rage

Episode transcripts for the TV show "According to Jim". Aired: October 3, 2001 to June 2, 2009.*
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A comedy following a suburban macho husband, wife and their three children.
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06x06 - All the Rage

Post by bunniefuu »

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

♪♪♪

Aw, it's just not kicking.

(Sighs) maybe he just needsthat last piece of bacon.

Oh, uh...

I-i-i was-- saving it for baby?

I gotta tell you,

The sports page,a cup of coffee--

Is there a better way

To get closer to godon a sunday morning?

Well, I guess we couldactually go to church--

Don't ruin it, cheryl.

(Car stereo plays loudlyin distance)

It's him. It's him! Oh, oh, no, jim,please, no.

Oh, not again! No, no, that creep drives byour house on purpose!

I swear he does!

It's horrible music, too.would it k*ll 'em to mix in

A little snoop d-o-double g, ya see?

Come on, you're gonnaruin our sunday!

(Jim) hey, you're gonnaruin our sunday!

Hey, jim,i can make more bacon.

Yeah,come back, buddy!

(Jim) hey, that better besign language, pal,

Or I'll breakthat finger off!

Andy,are the neighbors watching?

Well, no one's outside,

But they arelooking out their windows.

(Jim) hey, what areyou looking at, marilyn?

And jim sees them.

(Jim) you want a show?i'll give you a show.

And there goes his shirt.

Come on, marilyn,tit for tat!

Are his pants still on?

Technically, yes,but they are down.

I don't know what's gotteninto him lately.

I mean, he's always grumpy,but lately, it's--it's-- (jim) come on, marilyn!get your camera!

You know you're jealous.

You just wish yourswas as tight as this.

Maybe he has i.m.s.

What's i.m.s.?

I was just reading about itin one of my magazines. Here.

Does your man haveirritable male syndrome?

Yeah.

Apparently, some guys,when they reach a certain age,

Just start blowing their topat everything. It's a real disease?

It's gotta be real.there's a quiz.

Oh, my god!i didn't marry a jerk.

I married a good manwith a terrible disease.

A good manwho just left a butt print

On the windshieldof the crannis' new hybrid.

Hey, uh, jim, can I talkto you about something?

Yes, my young bride.what is it?

Um, it--it's about this articlethat--that dana found

In a magazine abouta condition called i.m.s. Uh-huh.

It's irritable male syndrome. Hmm.

I-i think it might explainwhy you keep overreacting.

Oh, honey,i don't overreact.

The rest of the worldunderreacts.

Constructs elaboratejustifications for anger.

Check.

Oh, my god!

This article is exactly whatpisses me off about america.

Globalizes his irritations. Check.

Jim,do you hear this?

This is freaky.is his picture in there?

Oh, come on.everybody's got a syndrome now.

I'm not lazy.i got chronic fatigue syndrome.

It's not hot outside.it's global warming.

Oh.

You're not hyper.you got restless leg syndrome.

Right. You're not fat.you're pregnant.

Hey!

Andy, what--what's the one at work

That you always tryto pull on me?

High blood pressure?

Oh, yeah. My blood's got toomuch pressure. I need a nap.

J--i passed out.

Okay. Now we'rejust playing word games.

Minimizes others' suffering,frequently changes subject,

Dismissescontradictory opinions.

(Gasps) jim, this could bethe first test

You ever gota perfect score on.

This i.m.s.is a bunch of crap!

It's made-up nonsenselike p.m.s.

I'm sorry.is it the th already?

(Car stereo plays loudlyin distance) listen. Shh, shh, shh.

It's the thumper again.he's coming at me again. No!

Come on, andy. Come on.give me a hand here.

I can still hear 'em.i can still hear 'em.

Jim, I can feelmy blood sugar plummeting. Shut up!

(Crash)

What was that?!

Did we hit the thumper?

Oh, come on!

Hey! What the hellare you doing?!

What the hell am I doing? You hit me!

You hit me,and you know what?

You're letting the thumper go.that's what you're doing.

You're letting him go! Okay, guys, guys, come on.let's not say something--

Excuse me, sir.are you touching me? Oh, dear, the pressure.

You can't let him go.you--it's your job to--

Mar--hey, maril.hey, marilyn.

You want a show,marilyn, huh?

I'll give you a show.

I'm gonna need some backupat, uh, maple street.

Show, marilyn?here's a show, marilyn.

Hey, baby!hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.





I can't believei gotta go to this--

Whoa. What? Ow! Ow!

What was that about? Well, I wantedto take a picture of you

Before your firstanger management class.

I'm gonna take another onein six weeks

And see how differentyou look without your rage. (Slaps thigh)

Cheryl, I have no problemcontrolling my anger.

You know, I think they'llprobably address denial

Right off the bat. Oh.

Well, if it isn'tthe maple street stripper.

Ready for this court-mandatedhell you've condemned me to?

All right, look,that officer testified

That we wereboth out of control.

And besides,i already apologized to you.

Stuff happens. Get over it is not an apology!

Save it for the anger class.

Save it. Oh, don't worry, buddy.i got plenty left in the t*nk!

Andy, rage picture. (Camera shutter clicks)

All right,get back here! Huh?

So now when my ex-wife's dogsstart barking all night,

I don't get mad.

I just get upand take 'em for a walk.

Excuse me.

Why are you still livingwith your ex-wife?

I'm not.

I'm just watching her dogs whileshe's on vacation with... Him.

That's really great,howard.

The happy little maninside me is smiling

At the happy little maninside you.

He better keep his happylittle hands off of me.

Jim, is there somethingyou wanted to say?

Yeah. Yeah.

We got minutes lefttill the end of this meeting.

Thank youfor your frequent updates.

Yes. Do you mind?

Some of us are trying to learnsomething about ourselves.

That sounded a little angry,andy.

Let's explorethe source of that anger.

Oh. (Chuckles)oh, I can't imagine

What the sourceof my anger would be!

Sounds likehe's mad at his mother.

You don't know anythingabout my mother.

I'm just sayin',

A lot of fat guysdon't like their mother.

I'll have you know thatmy mother is a wonderful cake--

I mean, woman. Damn it!

Bob,you have provoked andy.

What do we say?

(Sighs)

The angry little man in meis sorry...

If he hurtthe fat little man in you.

Thank you.

Now that's an apology.

Pardon me,are you an a.h.?

What the helldid you just call me?

An a.h.

Moderate your tones.

An a.h.means anger helper.

But, uh,you are kinda being an a.h.

An a.h. Is someonewho acts as a buffer

Between you and your i.t.s. I what?

Irritation triggers.

You wanna stay awayfrom those.

But what if I'm in a room justfilled with irritation triggers?

Take a deep breathand walk away.

(Exhales deeply)see you guys next week. Whoa.

Jim, everyone hereknows it's a struggle.

I-i-i don't likehaving a disease.

I... I-i don't likebeing treated differently

And having to parkin a handicapped spot.

But that's the work.

And--and we do itbecause...

We want to get better.i want to get better.

Handicapped spot?

Irritable male syndrome

Is a recognizedpsychological handicap.

For howard,parking lots are a big trigger.

You don't have a placard yet?

Well, not a legal one.

Jim, I think you'll findmany tools at your disposal

For all of your triggers.

People who talkin a movie theater?

Special screenings with ushersthat throw 'em out.

Even my wife?

Especially your wife.

Telemarketers?

All your calls are screenedat a special i.m.s. Center.

Even my wife?

Especially your wife.

My name is jim,and I have i.m.s.

(All) hello, jim.





Oh, I wanna feel the baby kick.make it kick again.

Well,he kicked a lot yesterday... Ugh.

Right afteri got a foot rub.

Well, then offwith those shoes, missy.

If you insist.

Hey.

Hey! Ah.

How was anger class?

Oh, cheryl, when you're right,you are right.

I got the i.m.s.

(Gasps)

And I got it bad.

I knew it! I knew it!

You know,i hate say told you so, but...

No, I don't. I love it!i told you so!

I told the neighbor so.i told my mom. I told her so.

And I reallywanna help you, jim.

Are you sure, cheryl?

Because i.m.s.does not take a holiday.

If you wanna be my a.h.,

You've got to protect mefrom the i.t.s.

Absolutely.

What does that mean?

Here, read the literature.

(Voice breaks)i'm exhausted.

We're gonna get through this,mister.

You hear me?

I love you.

(Telephone ringing)

The phone?

All that ringing,ringing, it just...

It just rattles the very coreof my serenity. Cheryl--

Oh, I'll get it.

Oh, that's okay, baby.i'll get it. I'll get it. Ohh.

Hello? Oh, gail, hi.how are you?

So many words,so much talking.

Oh. I'm sorry. Shh.hey, hey, did you get my e-mail?

Yes. It's called i.m.s.that's why he's like that!

What?

Come on. You don't believethis i.m.s. Stuff.

It's not what it sayson my card.

I have i.m.s.please let me have my way.

Seriously?

Yeah. They gave me thisat the meeting.

I am officially a victim.

Oh, come on.you're just working cheryl,

And until I hatch this egg,that's my racket.

Was your racket, dana.

I got i.m.s.,So shut your y-a-p.

Cheryl, he is just telling youhe has i.m.s.

Because that'swhat you want to hear.

He's faking. He's faking. Irritation trigger.irritation trigger.

Irritation trigger!

Dana,maybe you should leave.

What?!you're buying this?!

Honey, she's hurtingthe sad little man inside me.

I'm sorry, baby.

Dana, I'm sorry, but jimhas a medical condition.

No, he doesn't.

Yes, I do. It says itright here on my tote bag.

(Scoffs)

The baby's kicking.

Aw. Step back, sweetie.

Thank you, cheryl. Oh.

You know what the guyssaid at the meeting?

What? They said that shower sexsometimes helps.

And, uh, after they receivedmy doctor's note,

I got a special stickerthat, lets me, uh,

Drive in the car pool lane,even when I'm by myself.

(Inhales deeply)that, uh...

Should help with my road rage.

Uh... Wow.great growth there, bob.

Hey, could I getthe name of that doctor?

Teaching moment.

Anger spurnedequals lesson learned.

That's mine.

No, no, no, actually,i said that last week. That's mine!

No, no, no, no, no.howard said it.

We talked aboutputting it on coffee mugs.

And little pillowsand--and tiny, little sweaters--

Now let's welcomea new member to our group.

Please welcome david.

(All) hello, david.

What was it, david,that brought you here?

Paint your journey for us.

The judge kinda made me'cause the cops pulled me over

For playing my car stereotoo loud.

What street were you on?

I think it was maple.

You're the thumper!

And you're that nut job whoalways takes his shirt off!

(Screams) come on!

Come on.

Safety stations!

(Grunting)





Yeah, I'm actually fine.

I know.you're protecting me.

(Grunts) come on,flip me a finger now,

See wherethat finger ends up!

Teaching moment. Right nowjim is a victim of his own-- I am not a victim!

I'm gonna take your carand devein it like a shrimp!

I don't even knowwhat that means!

The vein that runs downthe back of the shrimp.

How can you not know that? It's the speaker wirein the car I'm gonna take--

I don't haveto explain myself!

Yeah, well, why don't youexplain it to me outside!

You guys are really challengingmy serenity.

My serenity! My serenity!

I'm sickof your friggin' serenity!

You're just jealous because I'vemade more progress than you! I'll get him!

Teaching moment! You stole my rhyme!

(Whimpers) I'm not reallythat angry right now!

I just want to fit in!

(Choir singing opera music)

Wow. You know, I never thought

I'd get to know so manyof our local policemen by name.

So you had an i.m.s. Episode.

The important thing now isthat we create a safety sphere

And enjoysome calming breaths.

(Exhales deeply)

Cheryl, I don't have i.m.s.

Yeah. Yeah, you do.

It happens to men whenthey reach a certain age.

Well,then that age was ...

'Cause, honey, I've beenlike this my whole life.

Jim, you have to have it.

I-i told everybodyyou have it.

Cheryl, cheryl,

I-i know you really wouldlike me to have it,

That you need meto have it,

Because then it would explainall the weird things that I do.

You know what?

I wish I had it, because theni could do whatever I wanted.

But I don't have i.m.s.

I have j.i.m.

You just have to acceptthe fact... (Chuckles)

You married a jerk.

I know.

You do? Yes.

Okay. Well,then what's the problem?

(Sighs) jim,

The problemis that--that

Lately you've been,like, super-jerk.

What do you mean, super-jerk ?

Every weekend, you're out thereon the front lawn,

Yelling at our neighbor,ripping off your shirt.

I mean, it--it's likeit's fun for you.

Well,it is kinda fun.

Ugh. Come on!

It is! It's fun--running outside, my shirt off...

Yelling, screaming...it is kinda fun.

Well,that's like a football game.

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

Okay.well, here's an idea.

How about insteadof mooning marilyn crannis,

You go to a football game?or, you know,

Go out with the guysor play with the band?

You know, why don't youdo that stuff anymore?

I don't know. I-i, uh...

Well...

I think, uh,i like it here.

I-i like this family.

I like you.

I like two of the kids.

(Laughing)

I guess when pushcomes to shove, i, uh...

I love hanging out with you.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Go to a game.

Really?

I want youto blow off steam.

I want you to stop gettingnaked in the front yard.

All right. Deal.

I won't get naked.

I'll wear boxer shorts.

All right, but not the ones thatsay over a billion served.

Oh.

You drive a hard bargain.

You told the copsi started the fight!

(Chorus singing opera music)
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