You thinkyou're in my head now.
Well, you're not!
You are going down.
Get... In... There,you... Stupid... Juice bag.
Aah!
That's some good juice.
Ahh.
We're out of beer.
♪♪♪
Oh, baby!
Come on, girls.great pass.
Good job.let's go, hummingbirds.
(Buzzer)
Oh, and that'sa final, people. Yeah.
The turtles trouncethe hummingbirds to .
Jim, how does it feelthat your wife
Led your daughtersto a humiliating defeat?
Oh!
Real funny, jim.
Give me a hand. I'm stuck.
Seriously, I'm stuck!
Okay, terrific gameby both teams.
How does everybody feel?
(All) good!
And we feel good because...
(All) we had fun!
And? (All) we tried hard!
You did try hard.
Now let's everybodygo over and get a snack,
Some refreshing juiceand...
Your... Trophy!
(All) yay!
I think she had a littlerefreshing juice herself.
Oh...
Okay. Now I wanteveryone over here
To form a praise circle.
A what circle? Praise circle.
I want everyone to say
One positive thingabout a teammate.
This is gonna be quick.
Gracie, that wasa really good sh*t. Thank you.
In the opponent's basket.
Would you lighten up? No.
Isn't it enough that the girlsare interested in basketball?
Cheryl, I don't seebasketball out there.
I don't know.maybe I'm old-fashioned,
But in my america,winners are winners
And losers hold grudges,not hands.
Now remember, we're all...
(All) number one!
Put that down.
Guess what?
We're gonna bein the wnba when we grow up.
And thenwe're going to be
Famous tennis playerswho design clothes.
Oh, yeah? Mommy's gonnahave a glass of wine.
You know, girls,those are mighty big dreams.
You're gonna have to workincredibly hard to attain them.
Working hard? Pass.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.come here, girls, come here.
Let me tell youa little story
About a girl about your age,and her first tennis lesson.
She announced right away
That she was gonna bethe best tennis player
In the whole world,and you know what?
She worked incredibly harduntil she became number one.
And that girl's name?
Billie jean king.
She got so famous
That michael jacksoneven wrote a song about her.
Do you guyssmell something burning?
Our cake!
Oh, oh, man.didn't you guys set a timer?
I guess we forgot. Ugh.
But we had funmaking the cake. And?
We tried really hard.
Cheryl,you've got to be kidding me.
You're kidding mewith this attitude, right?
This attitudehas gotta stop, cheryl.
What are you talking about?
If I built a building and mymistake caused it to burn down,
Would anybody high-five me?
I seem to remember andyhigh-fiving you
When the yugolini's deckmysteriously b*rned down
After their check bounced.
I'm not the oneon trial here, cheryl.
What they're learningat basketball
Is k*lling my children,and more importantly,
k*lling the sport. Is this about the cake?
Partially,but it's also about
This feel-good self-esteemcrap going on, honey.
They can't havetoo much self-esteem.
Cheryl, self-esteemis all over the place.
Come on. They get it at ballet.they get it at school.
Hours a dayfrom noon to night,
They are toldhow wonderful they are.
These kids have to betaken down a peg.
You know what, jim?that's a very good point.
Tonight,instead of a bedtime story,
We'll read thema list of their flaws.
That's a start.
I got it. You know what?i should coach.
No, no, no!
No, I'm gonna take over rubyand gracie's basketball team.
No, I can coach 'em.it's fine. The girls have fun.
No. Cheryl... Hmm?
Sports aren't about fun.
They're aboutovercoming obstacles,
Working as a teamand being able
To say cool things like, how did that taste, loser?
No, no, no, no.
That's it.i'm taking over the team.
And you--you...
Get startedon another cake.
(Speed-dials telephone)
Dana, it's me.it took me a whole game...
(Singsong voice) but I got jimto take over as coach.
(Whistle blows)
All right,hummingbirds, listen up.
We are no longer gonnabe playing soft, squishy
Everybody-gets-a-hugbasketball.
From now on we're gonna beplaying old school,
Hard-nosedwinning basketball.
You're gonna work harderthan you've ever worked before.
Yes, jami?
I worked last summeron my grandpa's farm.
Okay, the five of youare gonna work really hard,
And, jami, you're gonna workas hard as you did last summer.
Yes, jami.
But I mostly made cookieswith my grandma.
Jami...
We're gonna needa little less talking.
All right.at your last game,
You didn't makevery many baskets, did you?
But we got the same trophyas the turtles.
Yeah, so what differencedoes it make?
I'll tell you the difference...tabitha.
You didn't earn it.they just gave it to you.
With me,you're gonna earn everything.
Dad?
I mean, coach?
I thought we were hereto have fun
And try our best.
Well...
Maybe you can try your bestat running around the gym!
Do a lap!
Go! Come on.come on. Come on.
Trying is dying.
Doing is everything.
Mm-hmm. 'Cause we all knownice girls finish...
Nice? No.
Pretty! No.
Ponies likeon my grandpa's farm?
That doesn't even makeany sense. I can't do this, jim.
Easy, coach, easy.
Can we have a treat now? What's that?
Can we have a treat now?
You know what, yugolini?
You been getting on my nervessince giddyap.
Take a lap.
And tell your old manto pay his debts.
(Giggling)
Jami, what are youlaughing at?
You. You're funny.
I am not funny.
I am stern and inspiring.
Say, yabba-dabba-doo.
Yabba-dabba-doo
All right, everybody, let's goto the free throw line.
Come on. I wanna seesome hustle. Hustle!
And, gracie, why are younot hustling?
Come on, dad.what are we talking about here?
We're talking about practice,not the game.
We're talking about practice.
I mean, practice.
Not the gamethat I'd die for.
I mean, we're talkingabout practice.
Now visualizethe ball going in.
Gracie, bend at the knees.
Follow through.
Keep your wristnice and loose.
You have to makefree throws to be a winner.
Shaq doesn't make free throws,and he's a winner.
You know what, jami?
You're very cute.
Let's see how cute you areafter five laps!
Move it!
Get her, coach, get her!
Come on, gracie.
Gracie, when you're on my team,you gotta work hard.
Ruby.
Good job.
(Whistle blows)
All right,that's it for practice. Balls in.
Let's go.
Jerks!
All right, all right.come on, come on.
Get in the center here.let's go. Come on.
Come on.now form a circle here.
Goody,i love praise circle.
Well, I hate it.
This is gonna be calledthe truth circle.
Each one of you are gonna tellone of your teammates
Exactly what they did wrong.ruby, go.
Gracie, you can't makea free throw to save your life.
Excellent.
You stole my boyfriend.
Okay, let's keep thisabout basketball.
Whoa, not so fast.let's hear the dish.
(Jim) ah, game day.
That is a hummingbird.
Yeah, decided to springfor new uniforms.
Can we go now?
I wanna get there earlyso we can practice free throws.
Oh!
She wants to practicefree throws.
Mm-hmm.
Do you believe it?
I still can't believe thatyou sprung for new uniforms.
Gracie, come on! Let's go!
Wow, you look great.you look so tough.
Come on. I wanna see those arms.let me see those arms.
That's it. But... What...what--what are you wearing?
My uniform. That's not your uniform.
Yeah, I'm playingfor the lambchops now.
(Clears throat)
Uh, honey, why?
Because they just playfor fun. Oh!
Ruby, sweetie, why don't yougo wait in the car?
Um, gracie, maybe you want
To talk to your dadabout switching teams.
You know what, cheryl?
That'd be okayif I talk to the enemy,
But phil jackson,mike ditka and me--
We don't do that.
Why don't you tell gracie
She should headto the rec center?
'Cause it's a long walk.
Is there a problem?
Problem?no, it's not a problem.
You don't want to playon my team, you don't have to.
Go find yourselfanother team.
Yeah, kinda already did.
All right, let's go.
Come on!
Your daughterjust quit your team.
No, cheryl, my daughter carriesa basketball around with her
And wants to practiceall the time.
Your daughterjust quit my team.
Honey-- no, cheryl, she quit!
Come on.you know gracie acts tough,
But she's really sensitive.
Maybe she just needssome attention.
Attention? Yeah.
Come on. I yelled at her twiceas much as the rest of the team.
Maybe she needsa different kind of attention.
Thank you. You're welcome.
And you can give herthat attention
While you both walkto the rec center.
We are live frombukinik municipal rec center
For this titanic clash
Between the lambchopsand the hummingbirds.
It's a frenzied crowdof about...
.
This pre-game show isbrought to you by karmelkorn.
If you can finda better-tasting
Candy-coated vegetable,eat it.
Now gracie is playingfor the lambchops,
So I need to find a wayto root for both teams at once.
There aren't people here.
Did he count me twicebecause I'm fat?
Ladies and gentlemen,
Please welcome the lambchops...
(Cheering)
And the hummingbirds.
(Ominous music playing)
Go... Both teams equally!
All right, listen up now.
Now there's two kinds of peopleout in the world--
Winners and losers...
And what are we?
(Girls) hummingbirds!
I was looking for winners, but that'll do.
Now I want youto get out there,
And I want youto kick... Some... Butts!
Go!
Butt, butt,kick some butt.
Butt, butt,kick some butt.
(Andy)here we go, here we go!
The teams head outfor the opening tip-off.
Have a good game, gracie.
Thanks.
(Andy) ho, ho, ho!
For those of youwho don't speak subtext,
Coach jimjust called gracie out.
Her response? It's go time, old man.
(Jim) come on, come on,let's go, let's go, let's go.
Pass that ball,pass that ball.
(Shouting and cheering)
Way to go, way to go,way to go!
No, no, no! Jami, wrong basket,wrong basket!
Turn around, jami,turn around!
Come on! Come on, girl!come on!
Come on, girl!
Tabitha, tabitha!
What are you doing withthe lip gloss? The lip gloss!
Okay, now it looks just weird.
Come on. Even it out.now the bottom lip.
The bottom lip!
Take the ball down, jami!grab the ball! Go!
att*ck the ball!
But be polite!
(Whistle blows) (referee) foul one.
Oh, what are you talking about?that was our ball!
Come on. They're years old!let 'em play.
Let 'em play! Ah, come on!
Come on! What are--(muttering)
That's ridic--
Uhh!
Come on, come on.
Hey, hey, hey!did somebody drop something?
Oh, a friendship bracelet.ruby, go. Take that ball down.
But that might be my bracelet. It's a lifesaveron a rubber band. Go!
Come on, come on.
Yes! Yes!that's winning basketball! (Whistle blows)
And with time running out,the score remains tied.
Gracie brings the ballup the court.
She drives to the hoop...
(Whistle blows, buzzer)
Oh! She draws a foulwith no time left.
Ruby fouls her sister,
Sending her to the linewith a chance to win it.
What are you doing?
If they make a free throw,they win the game.
I did it on purpose. Why?
Gracie stinksat free throws.
We're all thinking it.i'll say it.
That's poor coaching.
For--for the lambchops,of course.
Who called time-out?
This recap brought to youby potato chips.
Even the little dust
At the bottom of the bagtastes good.
Hey, coach? Yeah.
I just wanted to point outthat the team
That works hard and hasdiscipline has points,
And the team that has funhas points.
The game's not over,blondie.
And you know what?
Discipline always pays offat crunch time.
Does crunch time meanwe get peanut brittle?
Take a lap?
Don't worry, dad. This isgracie's worst nightmare.
She said she'd never, everwant to sh**t free throws
With the game on the lineand you watching.
Of course not. She just...
With me watching?
(Whistle blows)
Sounds likegracie's worst nightmare
Is disappointing her father.
(Andy) gracie, all alone...
With two sh*ts and a chanceto win it for the lambchops.
Come on, baby.
♪ Air ball ♪everybody!
♪ Air ball-- ♪
Jerk!
No--give it back.
Oh.
Time-out! (Blows whistle)
Gracie, come here.
What?
Now listen, gracie.
I want to talk to youas your daddy,
Not as a basketball coach.
Doesn't matter to me
If you make this shotor miss it.
Okay?i just want you to know
That you're a great kid,
This isjust a basketball game
And that I love youvery much.
So just have fun...
And try hard.
(Basketball bouncing)
(Andy) gracie gets setfor her second sh*t.
She could probably usesome silence right now.
(Cheering)
Lambchops win! Holy cow!
How's that taste, loser?
Never been prouder.
Go on. Enjoy your win.
(Sighs) all right.
You know what?this is a lesson to all of us.
You know what that lesson is?i've been too easy on ya.
Come on, laps!five laps, let's go.
Shake that thing. Shake it,shake it, shake it!
And, ref, you take a lap, too.you sucked today.
Sorry you didn't win,coach.
Don't worry.
I won.
Come on.you run a lap, too.
Hey. Nice jobon the play-by-play.
Oh, thanks. You didn't mindall the food references?
'Cause see,that was my way of saying
How gigantic you've gotten.
Ah. No, I thoughtit was funny.
Yeah. (Laughs)
Join usfor our postgame show,
Brought to youby my fat-ass sister.