Two years ago on "according to jim"...
You and old blue had some good times together. Hey, you want her?
Okay, sure. Thanks. Bucks?
Yeah, sure. I don't think you should sell the grill to andy.
I think you should give it to him.
You gave me that grill, and you can get it back
When you pry the barbecue tongs from my cold, dead hands.
Not if I get to it first.
(Tires squealing)
I'm taking my grill back. Be my guest.
Neither I nor the countess will stop you.
But the chain might. (Laughs)
The grill is mine! Mine! All mine!
I think maybe you should have the grill
For...
Not... Anything.
What?
Free! For free. Hey, thanks, man.
♪♪♪
What are you looking for?
I'm looking for, uh...
I was looking for some, uh, doilies.
Oh.
And I found 'em. They're right here.
Great. You know, if you're also looking for matches,
I threw them all out yesterday.
Cheryl, why would you do that?
Because the girls and I are going to visit my mom,
Which leaves you here with andy and kyle all by yourself.
It's the same reason I hid the knives,
Sent a warning letter to the neighbors
And blocked the adult channels on the tv.
Cheryl, I told you before, "the 'l' word" stands for love.
Uh-huh. Cheryl.
Jim, every time I go away,
You and andy act like a couple of idiots.
Oh, that is not true. Oh, really?
What about my trip to cleveland?
(Sighs) look, if we would have known that animal was alive,
We would have never put him in the microwave.
You know, maybe I should just get you guys a sitter. Cheryl!
You promised me once I turned ,
I didn't need a sitter anymore.
Now andy and I are responsible adults.
Kyle is lucky to see
Such a special relationship between two men.
You always make things dirty.
All right, fine. Why don't you tell me
Why the responsible adult was looking for matches?
I was gonna light a candle,
Put it in the window until your safe return.
Daddy, are these enough bottle rockets?
Afternoon.
All right, cheryl, cab's here.
Come on, hurry up. Let's go. Wave good-bye.
Oh, oh, oh, honey, come on, walk us out. We're going.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Let him sit, cheryl.
We're two independent gals,
And jim works really hard to put a roof over your head.
What the hell? No, no, no.
This is the first time she's actually making sense.
No, honey, I'm gonna be gone for a while,
And I want you to walk me out. All right.
Cheryl, come on. Look, andy's having a garage sale,
And you know how jim is about those things.
What do I care that he's having a garage sale?
Andy's selling the g-r-i-l-l.
(Whispers) go, go, go. Come on, come on.
He's selling a girl?
(Mouths words)
Grill!
He's selling my grill?!
Wow, i-i really didn't think he'd get that.
Yeah.
Andy, andy, what are you doing? What?
You can't sell my grill.
I'm not. I'm--i'm selling my grill.
Oh, no, I gave you that grill.
Well, yeah, which makes it mine.
If I woulda sold it to you, it would make it yours.
Jim, please don't start this grill nonsense again.
Unh-unh, unh-unh. I gave you that grill.
If you're not gonna use it anymore,
Then legally it reverts back to me.
That's crazy. It is not crazy.
This is the way society's been working for centuries.
Check your magna carta.
I-i don't have a magna carta.
Oh, did somebody give it to you, and you sold that, too?
I'm taking my grill. No, no. No, you're not.
Watch me. (Grunts)
Oh, oh, stop, just stop.
Blue light special on this grill!
Bucks to anyone but jim! No, it's mine.
Okay, you know what, you guys? I have to go.
Please don't turn this into a w*r.
Well, talk to your brother here. He's the one being unreasonable.
I'll throw in a free klingon burial shroud
If you buy it. Impress the ladies!
It's mine! All right, you know what?
That's it. I'm canceling my trip.
Well, wait, what are you doing that for?
Because it's obvious you two monkeys
Are gonna declare w*r on each other.
Monkeys? How dare you?
Cheryl, we are having a gentlemen's disagreement. Indeed.
You don't have to cancel your trip.
I told you I was gonna be a responsible adult,
And that is exactly what I'm gonna do.
You promise?
I promise...
That while you are away,
I will be a model citizen.
"Stolen goods"?
Why would I be selling stolen goods?
We received a tip from one of your neighbors. Who?
He would only refer to himself as a "model citizen."
Excuse me, officer. Is there any trouble here?
Possible distribution of stolen goods.
Stolen goods? Egads!
What have you done?
Officer, I think-- I think that may be my grill.
No, it is not.
Yep. Yeah, this is my grill, officer.
Do you have any proof?
Proof, no.
(Laughs)
Well, except for this... This -year-old receipt
That clearly states that I bought this myself
At the local barbecue emporium.
Officer, officer, he gave me this grill two years ago.
Did you?
I'd sooner part with my own son.
Hands behind your back, sir.
(Laughs) you're kidding me.
(Mouthing words)
This is not over! Do you hear me?
I swear to god, I'm-- (mouths words)
I'm sorry, sir. I can't quite hear you.
Oh, you want me to take my grill to my house?
Thank you, sir.
Ugh, all right, I'm gonna stretch my legs.
This stakeout is hard work.
There you go, my son.
You know what? You're a lucky boy.
You get to spend the weekend with your pops,
You learn about feuds, and you get to see a fat man tasered.
(Rumbling noise)
He's here. Come on.
Wait.
This could be a trick.
I'm gonna go and check out the noise. You guard the grill.
Here. Stand here. Hide.
If uncle andy comes out, you zap him.
Should I turn it up to ten?
That's my boy.
(Whispers) watch. Watch.
Kyle, give me the taser. (Buzz)
Yikes!
(Groans)
Oh. Oh.
Gimme that! Gimme that!
(Lowered voice) watch the grill.
(Normal voice) freeze!
Or what? Or I'll taser you...
When it recharges.
Takes about five minutes.
Oh, I'll be long gone by then.
You see, jim, I was able to do some thinking
When I was sitting in the county lockup.
Oh, yeah, I bet you were doing a little crying, too, huh?
Boo-hoo. Boo-freakin'-hoo.
Oh, yes. Soon, james, the tears will be on the other cheek.
Ha ha ha. You see, I remember
When we were redoing your kitchen
That I gave you this small but crucial length of pipe.
Oh, you were in jail thinking about pipe, were you?
Only that I wanted it,
And now I'm gonna take it.
(Grunts) take my pipe?
You can't take my pipe outta my wall. Aah!
What have you done to my wall? Oh, yes, I can, jim. It's mine.
That means I can take it back whenever I want.
Ah, let go of that pipe!
Ah!
(Laughs)
Well, it looks like you got the wrong pipe there.
Ohh!
Look at that. It's just water.
Yeah, just water.
Care for a beer?
Don't mind if I do.
Nope, I'm keeping my grill.
You keep the pipe.
You think this bothers me at all?
Yes. Yes, I do.
Damn it, andy, gimme that pipe!
I'll give you some, uh, paper towels.
That might help.
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!
Adios, chief.
Gimme that pipe!
Hey, kyle! Kyle!
Daddy, can I have a snack?
No! Get some towels! Towels!
Andy!
The valve... The main water valve.
The valve.
Where's the shut-off valve?
Looking for this?
Yeah, this is mine, too.
You know how I know? A receipt. (Laughs)
You know what else is mine? Vengeance.
Andy, andy, you win, okay?
It's yours. The grill is yours.
This whole grill thing is just k*lling-- aah!
Aah! Get off of me! Give me that valve.
No! Give me that valve or I'll put your fat head into that pipe!
Never! No, jim!
Aah!
This is a new sweater!
Hey, come here, you! Come here!
Come on!
Aah! Come on.
You'll never get it!
You'll--
Please, I dealt with worse than this in lockup!
Yeah, did they fill your ear up?
Aah! Not the ear! Not the ear! I have a condition!
Gimme the valve!
Okay, I'll give you the valve! Gimme the valve!
I'll give you the valve! I'll give you the valve! Give it to me!
All right. Take the valve... And I'll take the grill.
Andy! Andy, where is the valve?
Don't know, don't care. Later, loser.
(Grunts)
When is this thing gonna recharge?
(Buzz)
Ugh! Oh!
Andy!
Ahh... Milady.
(Laughs)
Oh, it's you.
Why, andrew, mm, you look positively victorious.
(Chuckles)
Hello, I'm george takei.
Welcome to "intergalactic positivity mind training."
You're a brave, strong man who will soon have
Lots and lots of girlfriends or boyfriends.
The galaxy loves you just the way you are.
Tomorrow you will awake refreshed,
Not needing a doughnut for breakfast,
Because you can boldly go wherever you want.
Ha ha. You hear that, jim?
Are you sure mommy's okay with this?
I don't know. Let me ask her.
Hey, cheryl, you okay with this?
I didn't hear "no."
It's fun when the girls are gone.
(Chuckles)
How do you say that word again?
Vengeance.
Vengeance. I like the way that sounds.
It tastes even better.
(George takei) you want some advice
That's actually useful?
Stop basing your life on a -year-old tv show
And ask a girl out.
The worst that can happen, she says, "no!"
(George takei) the thing I'm happiest about--
(Crackling sound) I never did one of those albums
Where I just talk the words to popular songs.
No one asked me... (Coughs)
But I wouldn't have done it anyway.
And let me tell you about bill shatner.
The man's all about the money.
(Woman) end of disc one. Insert disc two.
How did that taste, kyle?
Pretty good... Like pizza.
(Chuckles)
Deep-dish pizza.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
(Laughs)
(Humming)
(Birds squawking)
Jim!
Cheryl's out of town.
Yeah, we got the letter.
Oh, look at this.
My nephew's truck.
All right, move on, huh?
There's nothing to see here.
Mmm.
You know,
I don't miss the knives.
Or toilet paper.
Mommy didn't hide the toilet paper, honey.
My bad.
(Doorbell rings)
Battle stations.
Hey, jim, I've been thinking, and--
Ow!
Ow!
State your business.
I surrender.
Yeah, right.
No, no, no, no, I'm serious.
You bested me. The grill is yours.
What's your game?
No game.
I just finally got what you were saying.
Just because a man gives something away
Doesn't mean he renounces ownership.
Thank you.
Be it a roof, or a grill or his time...
Exactly. Time?
Yeah, how many hours have I spent
Babysitting your kids for free?
I decided to crunch the numbers.
, Hours?
Yeah. I gave them a year of my time,
And now I want a year of it back from them,
And since gracie and ruby aren't here,
I'll take that one.
What are you gonna do with kyle?
I don't know yet-- cooking, cleaning.
I may sh**t stuff at his feet, make him dance.
You are crazy.
There is no way on earth
That I am gonna give you my one and only son.
Okay, then just admit that your argument is full of crap
And give me that grill.
Take the boy.
What?
But if you decide to sell him after a year, he reverts to me.
(All) afternoon.
Cheryl, what are you doing here?
I thought you were coming home tomorrow night.
Yeah, I called kyle to see how things were going.
He lied for about seconds, then he cracked like an egg.
Seconds? You are not my son.
I know. You just sold me to uncle andy.
What? You sold our son?
Oh, come on, it's not as bad as it sounds.
Really, I mean, andy tried to sell my grill.
Yeah, and then he got me arrested.
Then he pulled a pipe out of my kitchen. He took my roof.
And now he gets kyle.
I don't know... It's very simple.
Look at you two.
You are literally tearing this family apart
Over a worthless piece of junk.
Junk? How dare you?
Out!
Jim, you know, you said kyle was lucky to see
Such a special relationship between two men.
I don't think he's feeling very lucky right now.
If you'll excuse me.
Kyle, come on.
Kyle...
Be careful with that.
You said we had a special relationship?
No, I didn't say that.
Cheryl put a block on the adult channels,
It made me goofy, and I said something I didn't mean.
Oh, come on, jim.
The lesson I learned from mel gibson
Is that sometimes we say things
Because deep down it's what we really feel.
You love me.
I do not.
Oh, yes, you do.
Say it, jim. Say the "l" word.
Lesbian.
Good enough. I lesbian you, too.
All right, safety check. Goggles. Check.
Ear plugs. Check.
Ah, what are we forgetting? Uh, dad?
Oh, crap.
Okay, son. We weren't gonna leave you here.
(Chuckles) there you go.
Oh, I'm gonna miss you, old blue.
Oh, boy. (Laughs)
Oh, I didn't want to do this. Yeah.
You know, we'd keep you, old blue,
But you make andy and I wanna k*ll each other,
And that means prison time.
Yeah, and we're too pretty for prison.
So we're gonna blow you up.
(Laughs)
All right, here we go. Okay.
So who gets to do it? Oh, I probably should do it. It's my grill.
What are you talking about? It's my grill. It's my grill--
(All) ooh, pretty.