06x18 - Jim's Birthday

Episode transcripts for the TV show "According to Jim". Aired: October 3, 2001 to June 2, 2009.*
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A comedy following a suburban macho husband, wife and their three children.
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06x18 - Jim's Birthday

Post by bunniefuu »

Hey, everyone.

(Guests) surprise!

Oh, my god! Oh, oh, my god!

Oh, my god, a-a surprise party!

Happy birthday, honey!

No way! (Cheryl) yeah.

Look at you! Look at--john! Happy birthday, jim!

Oh, charlie! Happy birthday, jim.

And, tony! How are ya? Hey, jim, happy birthday, man. I'm great.

Oh, that one lady's husband!

How are you? How are you?

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god! You know what?

I need a couple minutes to just...

Collect my thoughts here

And--and thank my beautiful wife here.

Aw.

I'll be right back.

(Laughs) oh, my god!

What the hell did you do, woman?

♪♪♪

It's a birthday party! Get 'em out. Get 'em out.

Get 'em all out. I hate birthday parties.

You know that. Why would you do this? 'Cause you said I could.

I... Never said that. Yes, you did. Yes, you did.

You said I could throw you a birthday party on your th. I never, ever, ever, ever, ever would say that.

Never in my life would I say that, ever, ever.

You can't make things up like this.

(Jim) first of all, cheryl,

The boys in milli vanilli are talented artists

And will be vindicated. Wh--

As for the birthday party, I promise you,

You can throw me one when I turn .

(Cheryl) april , .

What?!

How could you even-- why would you even--

You know, what else did you tape of me? What--

(Jim) cheryl, cheryl, cheryl, look,

Once we double our money on this enron thing,

We'll go with your stock pick, all right?

What is a google anyway?

(Cheryl) july , .

Oh, oh, so it's fine for you to record me,

But when I want to tape us having sex, it's unseemly ?

What are you smiling at? What are you smiling at?

You look so cute in your hat.

And, honey, speaking of cute--oh!

I made the cutest tribute video using all your baby pictures.

Oh, cheryl. I did.

Oh, yeah, yeah, nothing I love more than to be humiliated

And belittled in front of a group of people

In my own house that I barely know.

(Speaks foreign language)

(Speaks foreign language)

What? So I know one man's language.

I don't know any of those people. Hey. Come here. Come here. Hurry up.

I want you to see my present. Oh, god. I hope it's a time machine

So I can go back years to our wedding night

And pick a woman who doesn't want to honor me!

I hope it's a time machine so we can unload that enron stock.

I sent andy a special invitation.

Lettuce celebrate your birthday!

Hey... Dana, where's everyone else's costume?

Happy birthday, jim.

Oh, fine. I put on a costume.

You put on pounds of baby weight.

Except, uh, tomorrow, mine will be gone.

So she tricked you into putting on a costume?

Yeah.

Who tricked you into putting on lettuce?

Hey, mock me all you want, jim,

But I'll romaine your friend forever.

Oh, no.

No, tell me you're not gonna do this all night. Are ya?

It's just the tip of the iceberg.

Oh!

Okay, everybody, grab a glass of champagne,

'Cause in just a few minutes,

It's the world premiere of my tribute video--

A half-century of jim.

(Man) yeah.

Or as I like to call it-- jackass three.

Oh.

If I knock the power out, the lights go out...

Oh, and then the people at the party go home.

Exactly. It's nice to see you still have a brain

In that... Leafy head of yours.

Listen, listen, man, just-- when you shimmy up the pole

And blow out the transformer, be careful.

These things are dangerous. Not if I'm wearing a suit

Of insulated material like lettuce.

You didn't bring me out here

Just to explain your plan, did you?

Andy, I can't do it. If I'm not standing next to cheryl

When the lights go out, she's gonna think I did it.

Well, I'm not doing it. All you've got to do is shimmy up the pole,

Put this mylar balloon in the transformer.

The power goes out. Piece of cake.

What's in it for me? I already said, piece of cake.

You know, I'd kinda like to live to see my th birthday party.

Hey, you want to live to see ?

Start eating lettuce instead of wearing it.

Now, come on. It's my birthday, not yours. Get up there.

(Grunts)

Come on!

It's too high, even with my -inch vertical.

All right. Here, let me help you.

One, two, three... Oh!

Now I have to marry you.

Here, step on my back.

Okay.

Can you reach it? Be careful. Be careful.

Oh, my god! Oh, my god! You're heavy!

Yes, it's mostly costume.

Hey, hold still. Andy, andy, not my head!

Not my head! Not my head!

Andy--aah!

Ow! My head! Oh, oh, jim, I need a hand.

I'm--i... Jim.

I'm not gonna touch your butt. Come on!

Oh!

Easy, easy, easy, easy.

Here, use my shoulder. Right here.

Oh, my god. Do you... (Sniffs)

Oh! Did you step in something?

I did, but I wiped it off on your head.

Aah!

(Grunts)

A little higher. Mm-hmm.

There, there, okay, here.

Here's the balloon. Uh-huh.

All right? Barely.

Give me five minutes.

Five minutes. (Electricity crackles)

Aah!

(Panting)

I, uh, I guess I'll count in my head.

Oh. (Laughs)

Hi, there, raccoon...

Family.

Aren't you the cutest?

You little bandits.

Why are you looking at me like that?

No, no, no, no, no, no. This--this is just a costume.

This... This is not your dinner.

Back off!

Hey, honey. Are you having a good time?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah?

I really am, you know that? Oh!

I mean, I was just saying to, um...

To, uh, that guy who's either our neighbor or our dentist...

Uh-huh.

That it is so special

To be surrounded by people who are so close to you.

Oh, honey, I'm gonna go put in that video, okay?

Yeah. Wait--wait one-- one second before you do.

I'm trying to put some words together

For a little speech for our guests.

So if you can wait... Three to five minutes to let me...

Collect my thoughts, you know. Okay.

Four, three, two, one.

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

(Grunts)

(Gasps) (guests murmuring)

Oh, no!

(Man) how are we gonna have this party? No, no!

No!

What?!

What? What?

You cut off the power, didn't you?

What, with my mind?

I'm standing right here, next to you, cheryl. Oh.

Looks like the whole neighborhood's out.

Oh, no! Tonight of all nights.

Ah, damn my luck!

Oh.

Well, now we can't watch the video for sure.

No electricity, no backup generator.

Oh, well, I'll just... I'll--i'll talk to everybody.

Hey, everybody, listen.

Thank you so much for coming.

Uh, obviously, the party's ruined now,

So look it, I'll see you on my th. All right, man.

Okay. The th will be just as much-- no, no, no, no!

Whoa! Wait a minute! Wait a minute.

We're not gonna let a little thing like a power failure

Get in our way, are we? (Guests) no.

No. This is jim's special night,

And we want to honor him, don't we?

(Guests cheer) (cheryl) yes!

You see that, honey? Everybody loves you,

And they are gonna stay all night.

That makes me almost...

Feel like crying.

Andy, what happened to you?

Lettuce not get into that.

Daddy, we went into our piggy banks.

We wanted to give you money to pay for the electric bill.

Oh.

Thanks, guys, but you know what?

To be honest with you, it--it's a blackout-- we got almost $ .

Every little bit helps. Thanks, kids.

Hey, good news. The baby monitor works on batteries.

Really?

Can your baby monitor cook the mini mushroom quiches

I have sitting frozen in my oven?

Get away.

Get...

Get away.

It's hot in here.

I'm making my own salad dressing in this thing.

(Groans) it's so squishy.

And nobody even left.

I guess people like me too much.

I'm fine. Thanks for asking.

, Volts stopped my heart for a second,

But the -foot fall started it right back up again.

Okay, everybody, I have an idea.

Since we can't watch my dvd tribute to jim... (Guests groan)

I know. I know. We're all heartbroken,

But I thought we could do our own tribute.

So I'm gonna pass this candle around, and one by one,

We're each gonna do a toast to the birthday boy. (Andy) oh, that's fun!

Okay, so everybody, blow out the other candles.

Me first.

Okay, sure.

(Clears throat)

There once was a jim from nantucket, whose--

Okay, and no dirty limericks.

You'll have to come back to me.

You know, there are very obvious signs

That a man is going through a mid-life crisis.

He splurges for an expensive car.

He joins a gym.

He suddenly starts caring about his appearance.

Well, it doesn't take a genius to see

That jim is definitely not going through a mid-life crisis.

(Guests laugh) (man) that's great.

Bucks for the next person who won't speak.

Done.

(Speaking foreign language)

(Man) yeah. Really? Yeah.

Oh, so willie's allowed to be dirty?

(Laughs)

And finally, I'd like to say how much it means to me

That I can always count on jim.

I mean, he doesn't always make it easy,

But it means a lot to me to know

That I can always depend on him being right here beside me.

(Man) hey, there we go. (Man) wow, that's good.

(Indistinct conversations) (woman) where's jim?

If you'll excuse me.





You have got to be kidding me.

Do I look like I'm kidding?

Oh, my god. You're much madder than I pictured.

I can't believe you!

(Lowers voice) cheryl, baby in here. Keep it down.

(Lowers voice) you don't care about the baby.

You just don't want me to yell at you. You are not wrong.

(Scoffs) oh, god.

(Normal voice) jim, what is it with you and birthdays?

So you're a year older. Get over it.

(Normal voice) I don't have a problem with birthdays.

I have a problem with birthday parties,

And especially surprise birthday parties. Why?

I don't want to talk about it, cheryl.

Don't want to--zip it. Cut it. Knock it. I don't want to talk.

Okay, jim, here's the thing-- when you keep things inside,

I don't know if you're upset about something real,

Or if the bears lost or somebody didn't use

Their turn signal on your way home from work. Oh, I suppose everybody can just change lanes

Without using the signal whenever they want?

Would you just let me in?

(Sighs)

Cheryl.

You want to know? Yes.

Fine. I'm gonna tell you,

But we never speak about this ever again.

And you don't tell anybody.

Fine.

(Sighs)

All right.

Picture a -year-old boy...

Waking up in the morning and realizing

That his entire family has forgotten his birthday.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry--

Cheryl, don't interrupt me.

If I pause, it's for dramatic effect.

Well, this boy sucks it up

And makes it through the whole day at school.

The whole while,

Holding back his tears

Because... All his friends at school

Had forgotten his birthday, too.

Finally, he comes home to an empty, quiet house

And decides,

If no one else is gonna give me a gift,

I'll just give myself one.

So I grabbed one of my ma's bra catalogs,

Find my chair,

Drop my pants,

And begin to unwrap my present.

That's when I got my real surprise.

(Guests) surprise!

Jimmy!

Aren't you gonna say anything?

I thought you were pausing for dramatic effect.

I thought that was the worst day of my life.

Oh, my god. My son is in there.

I don't want him hearing this.

What are you worried about? He's heard everything already?

Ugh.

It can't possibly get any worse.

It gets worse.

(All gasp)

What? How can it get worse?

I couldn't stop.

(All groan)

What do you mean, you couldn't stop?

Evel knievel was at the bottom of the ramp...

The bike was at a full run...

There was no place to go

Except for over the canyon.

And, you know, i...

Went over the canyon.

(Guests laughing loudly)

Why are they laughing? Why are they laughing, cheryl?

Why are laughing downstairs? What are they laughing at? Oh, my god. Jim...

(Gasps) the baby monitor.

No! No, I hate my birthday. I hate my birthday.

I told you I hated my birthday, cheryl!

Okay, okay, okay. Honey, honey, honey, honey,

I am gonna fix this. You stay here. Fix it ?

Okay, okay, stay. Stay! Stay! How are you gonna fix it?

You're gonna fix it?

Nobody can fix that.

Caught with my pants down again!

I gotta get out of here.

That's it. I'll just get out of here.

Hey, tanner, you seem like a good kid and all,

So if you're ever in mexico, come and see me.

And remember,

When you turn ,

Be sure to lock the door.

Jim, we are taking back your birthday.

Hold it. I don't want to see these people.

I don't want to see any of you people right now. No, no, honey, honey, you do.

You never got over what happened to you when you were .

Cheryl, I almost did until tonight!

Look, honey, now you gotta face it.

What do you always say to me?

If you have to eat it, don't nibble.

So you know what you're gonna do?

You are gonna take a big bite tonight and be over it forever.

Yeah, what-- what's the big deal, jim?

We all do it. Some of us use it as a sleep aid.

Hey, come on.

Besides, you were .

Really?

Yeah. Yeah, man.

(Sighs) thanks, andy.

Yeah. All right, everyone,

How about a big hand for the birthday boy?

Oh!

Come on, jim. We're just yanking your chain.

(Men laugh)

(Speaks foreign language)

(Guests laughing) (man) oh, he didn't!

All right, all right.

All right, all right.

It is--it's, you know, it's...

It's kinda funny, I guess.

I mean, it'd be a lot funnier if it happened to andy.

I mean, look at it this way, honey.

I mean, that was one really, really bad memory,

But you've had thousands of good ones,

And they've all been lovingly put to music by me.

Andy.

Ahh.

Oh, the tribute tape?

Yes. Oh, just wait.

(Exhales deeply)

(Warren zevon's keep me in your heart playing)

♪ Shadows are falling ♪

♪ And I'm running out of breath ♪

♪ Keep me in your heart for a while ♪

♪ If I leave you ♪

♪ I doesn't mean I love you any less ♪

♪ Keep me in your heart for a while ♪

♪ When you get up in the morning ♪

♪ And you see that crazy sun ♪

♪ Keep me in your heart for a while ♪

♪ There's a train leaving nightly ♪

♪ Called when all is said and done ♪

♪ Keep me in your heart for a while ♪

♪ Sha la la-la-la ♪

♪ La la la li li oh ♪

♪ Keep me in your heart for a while ♪

♪ Sha la la-la-la ♪

♪ La la la li li oh ♪

♪ Keep me in your heart for a while ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Sha la la-la-la ♪

Thanks, cheryl. Mm-hmm.

Well, that's amazing.

♪ Keep me in your heart for a while ♪

Thanks, everybody.

♪ Sha la la-la-la ♪

♪ La la la li li oh ♪

♪ Keep me in your heart for a while ♪

♪ Sha la la-la-la ♪

♪ La la la li li oh ♪

♪ Keep me in your heart for a while ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Keep me in your heart for a while ♪
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