01x02 - Everybody Bleeds

[bunniefuu]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

- [SIGHS]

- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Jessi, what's taking so long? I feel gross and nothing looks good.

Oh, honey, that's how the fashion industry wants you to feel, so you spend all your money at Forever 21 on clothes made by Malaysian toddlers, who smoke, by the way.

Why don't you just wear the white shorts? You always look so cute in them.

Mom, you think I look cute in everything.

No, I don't.

You wear some things I find very unflattering.

So, what's the deal with you and Jessi? Have you seen her since, you know, the kiss? Yeah.

I sent her a text that said "Hey," she sent me a video of a dog dressed like a fisherman.

- Oh, my God.

I guess she likes you? - I think so.

I mean, the dog had a hat and a raincoat, tiny fishing pole - No, I've seen it.

- Fun and playful, but also - You don't send it lightly.

- Still figuring out what to send back.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Tell him to send a d*ck pic.

Girls love that, especially when it comes out of nowhere with, like, zero context.

God, I love field trip day! Can't wait to see which one of these dopes forgot their permission slip.

And you two, Devin and Devin, - aka the Devins.

- We're the Devins.

You look great as always, you post-racial power couple.

- It's like genuinely not a big deal.

- Hey, guys.

Speaking of couples, Nick, what's the deal with you and Jessi? - Being in a relationship is so magical.

- Are y'all dating or what? - Uh - Uh! Listen to me, Nick, you're a cute little nugget.

You're funny, sometimes, but you're tiny and you need a hook.

- Cute and funny seems like a decent hook.

- Jessi's on the rise.

Smart girls are having a moment, for now.

Frankly I'm not even sure what she sees in you.

A lot of Nick's appeal is revealed the more you get to know him.

- Huh! And then there's this one.

- I knew I shouldn't have said anything.

You and Male Lesbian are middle-of-the-bus people.

Want to make it to the back? Lock it down with Jessi and lose "Billie Jean King.

" Look who's arrived.

Your booty is bangin' in those white shorts, you little fox.

Really? They were my male cousin's.

- Jessi, hey.

- Hi.

Oh ! - Oh, a hug? - Yeah, or - No, I mean, yeah, we could do that, or - How about Is this ? - What if we did like a whirr ? - Oh, is ? Ta-da! That's so sweet.

Look how awkward they are.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can see this.

It's not for me but people will like it.

It's Starbucks.

It's what America wants.

So what's the deal? Are y'all a couple, or what? Oh, sh*t, what these m*therf*ckers gonna do? - So what's the deal, you two? - Um I I think maybe - Yes, we're dating? - Yeah.

[CHEERING]

Whoa, everyone's couplin' up.

Nick and Jessi, my mom and her hospice nurse Roberto.

[LAUGHING]

Love is in the air.

Okay, so, what are we thinking? Find the first seat that doesn't have a swastika carved in the back? Eh, Nicky, in the back, man.

We're back here.

Couples in the back.

Oh.

I guess we're supposed to sit together? - At the back of the bus? - Yeah.

- Oh.

- Oh, are you cool with that? Yeah, surely.

I mean, the back of the bus is for couples, and of course that wheelchair kid so that the cool kids don't get in trouble for exclusion.

Also, they need to load this little m*therf*cker from the back.

You know, I could walk until I was vaccinated.

Jessi, Nick, hi.

Are you guys joining us? Go! I'll be fine.

Just remember everything that happens - Later, Andrew.

- so you can tell me later.

- Milady.

- Thank you, good sir.

Okay, this is a good thing, sweetheart.

- I do not like when you call me that.

- Now you can sit next to a girl, outside thigh against outside thigh, tip of elbow against bottom corner of boob.

Your buddy Jay over there has got the idea.

- Is this your card? - No.

- f*ck! - Maybe it is my card? [YELLS]

Why won't you go out with me?! Come on, come on, come on.

Get your ass in a seat before it's too late.

No, no, no, no.

Don't sit with the kid with the rolly backpack.

- He can't read social cues.

- Hi, you're looking at me.

How tall are you? There's a monster next to you.

Eh, what's up, Caleb? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sit with her.

Remember when she made you jizz your pants at the dance? No, I forgot when I publicly ejaculated.

- Really? - No.

I'm never gonna forget that.

[DISTORTED GROANING]

Come on, she has no idea what happened.

And besides, you don't know what's in that backpack.

Ooh ! I bet it's filled to the brim with dildos.

Hey, Andrew, do you wanna play Travel Scrabble? Oh! [CHUCKLES]

She wants it so bad.

Jesus, Andrew, if you don't find a seat soon we're gonna get stuck with - Cop a squat, my dude.

- [HOWLS]

No! Oh, f*ck a duck.

I'm gonna go I'm gonna go f*ck a duck.

So what's the deal, Andrew? You dating anyone? I'm personally, not currently, or really in the past, but, well, there is one woman in my life.

She's rusty green and she's a thousand feet tall, AKA the Statue of Liberty, AKA where we're going on our class trip today, kiddo.

AKA another example of American mythmaking, g*ng.

We stole this entire country from the Native Americans.

Oh, my God, he's so deep! Okay, first of all, the Indians gave us this country for Thanksgiving, okay? So no backsies, they can't be Indian givers.

- Pun intended, so [CHUCKLES]

- [MOANS]

Okay.

So, back of the bus, huh? - VIP.

- Can I get you something to drink? - Orange juice, champagne? - They have beverage service back here? No, no, no, no, no.

He's the bus driver's son.

He's insane.

We'll be offering warm cookies when we arrive at the statue, so don't fill up on bread.

[CHUCKLES]

[SLURPING, MOANING]

So you guys gonna tongue each other or what? Oh ! Are we supposed to be doing that? We don't have to if we don't want to.

Yeah.

It just feels early in the morning to be making out.

- Yeah.

No, I hear you.

- [MALE DEVIN]

Mm, yeah.

You taste like birthday cake Pop-Tarts.

I'm actually good with, like, a light hand-hold.

- Great.

- Good.

Why didn't you guys get champagne? It's free.

- Come on, Nick, I'll race you to the top.

- Boys go with boys, and girls go with girls.

That way we can talk about each other and then we'll meet at the top for couples pics! - That sound good to you? - Couples pics? Don't you remember last week when we made fun of people with shared Instagram accounts? I do, I do.

But my thinking on that has evolved.

Uh, okay.

I guess I'll see you up there for a "couples pic.

" Did that little bastard just ditch you? Well, I guess he's supposed to hang out with his couple friends.

Yeah, pretty soon I bet they'll all be swinging together, just a big old f*ck and suck.

Maybe you can be the guy who jerks off in the corner.

Every orgy needs a witness and baby wipes.

So, does Nick know when your birthday is? Uh, I guess.

Oh, sweetie, it's your most important couple holiday.

Devin, can I talk to you, like, in private? Okay, Lola.

Wow.

She gets so jealous when I talk to, like, anything.

- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

- [ANDREW SIGHS]

It comes to this.

Jay! What's up? - Should we climb this gal together? - Can't talk right now.

I'm centering myself before my greatest trick yet.

- Okay.

- What trick, you ask? By day's end, I will replicate my fifth favorite magician David Copperfield's famous illusion I will make the Statue of Liberty disappear.

- You got eyes on that little brown kid? - Course I do.

He's a little brown kid.

Okay, well, maybe I can help you with your trick.

What the hell? Why does everyone keep ditching me? Because you smell like an Israeli disco.

So what exactly does a boyfriend do? Like, what are my responsibilities? You just gotta be there for her, you know? Before class, after class, lunchtime, bedtime you're never off the clock, really.

- Isn't that exhausting? - I'm telling you, bro, it's great.

You just have to make a couple of compromises.

- Like what? - For example, my name is actually Devon, but she makes me go by "Devin" so we match.

Oh, right, it's Devon.

I don't know if I could change my name.

You'll get used to it, Jesse.

See that? I flipped it.

I see now.

Hey, there you are.

Have you seen Nick? - Ugh.

We're not married.

- But you are dating, right? I guess.

I mean, we kissed, we texted twice, then suddenly we're sitting in the back of the bus with the couples.

- And that wheelchair kid.

- Who was drunk.

I heard you sent Nick a dog fisherman.

He told you that? What else did he tell you? - Oh, I don't know if I should say.

- Andrew, it's just me.

No, I know, but now you're, you know, "my friend's lady.

" Ugh! I'm not a lady.

You know what? Forget I said anything.

- Hey, Jessi - What?! Oh I think you sat in ice cream ? [GASPS]

I also sat in ice cream.

We're the same.

I've got to go to the bathroom right now.

Wait, are you okay? I I can come with you.

Actually, I sat in ice cream on purpose.

I was trying to cool down.

Oh, I feel you, buddy.

I have a super dry tongue.

Look.

Ah-hh! Actually, I have to wet it manually every hour.

It's a real nightmare.

Upside, I get to eat a lot of Rocket Pops, so yin-yang.

Uh, Jessi, are you okay? Should I get Coach Steve or a grownup? I'm fine.

Do not get Coach Steve.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This is not happening.

I just got my first period in the f*cking Statue of Liberty.

Okay, I just need to find something to What the hell? Oh, my God, this is the worst.

What sadistic female-hating janitor stocks this bathroom? You leave me, Svetlana, I f*ck your whole gender! Jessi, what's going on in there? Oh, my God, are you a drug mule? Did your heroin balloon burst inside your body? Say something, anything.

[SIGHS]

Actually, Andrew, can you come in here? - Am I allowed? - Just get in here! Oh.

It's the same.

Look, What's going on? Okay, I would never tell a guy this, - but since it's just you - Hurtful.

Continue.

- I got my period.

- [RETCHES]

I'm so sorry [RETCHES]

Whew.

Could you pass me some toilet paper? [JESSI]

There isn't any! Missy, have you seen Jessi? We were supposed to meet up here.

Uh, no, I haven't, but if you look over there - Missy.

- you can see Ellis Island, the entryway for generations of "huddled masses.

" - Just - Lots of people who were turned away because of an eye disease that they didn't even know they had.

Okay, so that's a no on Jessi? [COACH WHISTLING]

Look at her, she's the American dream.

I mean, she started from the bottom of the sea, built herself up from nothing, and now she's this big huge statue.

Actually, she was a gift from the French.

Typical imperialist patriarchy.

Okay, there's no way Lady Liberty's French.

They did not teach me that at Fordham University.

- Where'd you go? - Ahem, Apex Tech.

- I'm sorry.

Where? - Full disclosure The Learning Annex.

- Where was it? - Truth be told, the Internet.

- I can't read.

- Hmm.

I didn't think so.

Now look at me like you can't believe we're together.

- Guys, do you know where Jessi is? - You don't know? Check your back pocket.

Is her hand in there? I saw her go into the bathroom with Andrew G.

The following is a list of other people I saw go into the bathroom today Eric L.

, Kevin B.

, Sasha S.

Whoa! Sasha made the list.

All right! Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Does it hurt? - Well, it doesn't feel good.

- I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

Just go to the gift shop and see if they have any feminine products.

Okay, great.

Should I keep a receipt, and you reimburse me later? - Blood is coming out of my vag*na! - Okay, then, my treat.

- [DOOR CLOSES]

- [SIGHS]

What am I gonna do? [SCREAMS]

[SPEAKING WITH FRENCH ACCENT]

Hello, Jessi.

As the largest woman in the world, I welcome you into the covenant of menstruation.

Oh, thank God, a woman.

I'm so scared right now.

There's so much blood.

Am I gonna be okay? Being a woman is misery.

Nothing but pain and unwanted babies from terrible lovers, and worst of all, le cramp.

Ugh.

What if I don't want to be a woman? I like how I am now.

Change, it comes whether you want it or not, like disgusting pigeons who defecate and fornicate on your shoulder.

[COUGHING]

You're kind of a bummer.

Oh, well, I'm so sorry I'm not more American, sunny Mickey Mouse baba-booey bullshit.

You are a woman now, Jessi, and nothing will ever be the same again.

Jesus.

Is there anything good about being a woman? If you're very lucky a man will jack off at you on the subway, so, no.

Empty your pockets, Aladdin Bin Laden.

Guys, guys, I really wasn't going to make the Statue of Liberty disappear.

Well, well, well.

What were you planning on doing with these? Aw, those are just for a magic trick.

I can prove it.

May I? - [FIZZES]

- [BOTH]

Whoa! Wow! You're the most talented person I ever met! Not to name drop, but we brought Hoda Kotb here one time.

Hoda Kotb, from the drunk ladies' hour of the Today Show? Wow.

- What else can you do? - Well, before I do any more tricks, I'll have to get out of my handcuffs! - Wow! - Oh, man! - Wait a minute.

Did we cuff him? - No, you didn't.

I brought these from home.

You never know when you're gonna really need to wow someone.

This kid's so much cooler than Kal Penn.

[THIN GUARD]

Oh, yeah.

Kal Penn can straight up go f*ck himself.

- Yeah, f*ck Kal Penn! - [FAT GUARD]

Guys, that's too far.

Are you there, Jessi? It's me, Andrew.

- I get it, Andrew.

- I was hoping you would.

- Did you find something? - I did.

Are you kidding? What am I supposed to do with this thing? - It's huge.

- And I apologize.

It was either this or a Yankee pennant, and I just felt uncomfortable with you having the Yankees so close to your blessing, 'cause, you know, "Let's go, Mets.

" - Let's go, Mets.

- [WOMAN]

Let's go, Mets! - [JESSI]

Someone else is in here now.

- [WOMAN GRUNTING]

Okay, I'm gonna go.

Let's go, Mets.

[WOMAN GRUNTING]

Let's go, Mets! [CLICKING]

- What's your problem, babe? - It's not a problem.

I'm just asking you not to hashtag our photo "The Devins.

" - Devin, but why? - Because my name is Devon! I can't believe I'm wearing a 9/11 towel as a diaper and I wore white shorts on the worst day in history to wear white shorts.

Here, for your you know, "ice cream butt.

" Thanks.

You're a good friend.

What? What are they doing? Tsk, tsk.

Oh, let me guess.

You're looking at Andrew and Jessi? - Why do you have binoculars? - Because tourists are hilarious.

Tilt to the right if you wanna see a grown man in a Minions T-shirt.

[SNIFFING]

- What is that? You smell that? - I don't smell anything.

- [GASPS]

That's period blood.

- Oh, my God, you're a really bad guy.

This is blood lust, Andrew, literal blood lust.

- Only one thing to do.

- Do not say - f*ck her face! - What you just said.

Promise all of this stays between you and me? Of course, just you and me and that gigantic 9/11 towel.

- Never forget.

- [WOMAN IN RESTROOM]

"Never forget"! The key is to trust that the right card will appear when you need it most! - Is this your card? - [FAT GUARD]

That's my signature.

- That's amazing.

- Oh, man.

You're free to go, buddy.

You're too good.

Magic is the best! I live alone and have nothing and no one.

Jessi, what the hell? You were supposed to meet me in the head.

I actually think it's the crown, or is it a visor? Whatever, Andrew.

I thought we were going out.

- There are rules to this.

- Who gives a sh*t about the rules? I do! I was up there all alone.

I looked like an idiot in front of the Devins.

- Nick, go easy on her.

- Why are you taking her side? I'm not taking anyone's side.

I just want us all to be friends, and you were off hanging with Devon, so I was trying to help Jessi.

- Help her with what? - Nothing.

- I saw you hugging her.

- That's only 'cause - 'Cause what, Andrew? - 'Cause she got her period! - Andrew! - [STAMMERS]

- I'm sorry.

- Sorry for what? - Sorry you got your period? - Don't be sorry.

It's not a disease, it's totally normal.

And I know nobody talks about it but everyone gets their period and now I got mine, in white f*cking shorts! - [VOICE ECHOES]

- [GULLS FLUTTERING]

Oh, my God.

I'm above this, so I'm not gonna comment.

Jessi's ice cream was menstrual blood.

But I will say this I need some fresh air because this is Terry Gross.

Whoa.

This is a nightmare.

This is what we're all afraid of.

Again, I'm gonna stay out of this, but it was less of a period and more of an exclamation point.

And worst of all, bitch wore white shorts.

That's right, I made it off the bus.

I rode on Missy's little square-ass backpack.

You guys, you guys, I just had the best day ever.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, Jessi, what's this behind your ear? [MUTTERS]

Not now, Jay, I am not in the mood.

Oh, what are you, on your perio ulp! [GAGS]

When the ovum first descends It is expelled And it's expelled With the uterine lining And the flow And the menstrual flow begins Out the vag*na Out the vag*na it all comes sliding No, no, you're not alone 'Cause everybody bleeds From time to time So let it flow Friendships fall apart And leave a shameful stain On the white pants of your heart And everybody bleeds Like your insides are exploding Everybody bleeds Life's all heartache, cramps And bloating Everybody bleeds Everybody, what are you, out of your minds? Get back on the bus.

Did you make it to the bathroom in time, Steve? Uh, yeah, but it was like whew right at the buzzer.

Here you go, kiddo, for your you know, ahem, your lady issues.

Thanks, Coach Steve.

Uh, these are marshmallows.

You know, I can't read, so I go by pictures.

All right.

Well, either way, uh, that was very noble of you.

Not that noble.

I also took a huge dump.

- It was right at the buzzer - I heard you say that to Mr.

Lizer.

- It was coming out as I was sitting down.

- Got it! You know, like when a meerkat comes up through the prairie, but let's say it's in Australia so it's upside down Information received.

Baby, uh, I'm sorry about before.

You can tag the picture however you want.

Oh, sweetie, thank you.

I already did.

[SLURPING, DEVON MOANING]

- I'm sorry about before, too.

- Okay.

Is that it? You still sound mad.

Oh I'm gonna go home and burn my shorts.

That makes two of us.

[CHUCKLES]

I was dishonest before about b*ating the buzzer, so - How was your day, sweetie? - [GASPS]

[WHINES, SOBS]

Aw, Jessi bear, what's wrong? - [WHINING]

I got my period.

- Oh, you got your period.

[WHINING]

You made me wear white shorts.

- Oh, I made you wear white shorts.

- [WHINING]

- I'm so sorry.

- [SOBBING]

And then I scared the hell out of a cat.

[LAUGHING]

- How was your day? - To be honest with you, Duke, not great.

My girlfriend got her period and then she got really mad at me.

Sounds like we both got p*ssy problems.

[LAUGHING]

- Duke, you're not being helpful.

- Relax, Nick.

This period hullabaloo will pass, but then it will come again, and again, and again, until one time she tells you it didn't come, and that's when you move away and change your name to Duke Ellington.

[LAUGHING]

I have made tremendous mistakes in my life.

[SCAT SINGING]

I'm paying for my sins now Did you know that tampons are taxed as a luxury item? Yeah.

It's a real luxury to stick a wad of cotton up your crotch.

Could you please just tell me how to use a tampon? [CHUCKLES]

Honey, you're not ready for tampons.

Let's finish basic training before we go to Fallujah.

- Where we never should have been.

- I know, I know.

- f*cking Cheney.

- Mom, please.

- All right, let's start off with a pad.

- Thank you, Mom.

- It's gonna be okay.

- [SIGHS]

It just doesn't seem fair.

[LAUGHING]

It's not.

Come here.

- You know, if men got their period - Mom! What? It'd be an Olympic sport.

They'd give out medals for the heaviest flow.

[DISTANT BARKING]

[THUMPS]

So, did you know that blood comes out of their vaginas? It's really honestly crazy.

I mean, what would you do if blood came out of your penis once a month? Oh, my! I don't know! Why would you put that image in my head? - What would you do? - One time I ate a bunch of roasted beets and then when I pooped, it was red, and I thought my butt was bleeding and I was like, "Oh, no.

" - Right.

- And then I was like, - "Oh, yeah, I ate beets," so - I don't think that's the same.

What happened to Jessi today was pretty big.

Do you think she's not, like, good old Jessi anymore? No, no, she's always gonna be good old Jessi.

- I've known her forever.

- I don't know, man.

You bleed out of your vag*na once a month, that sh*t'll change you.

Indeed it will.

[SIGHS]

This is not amazing.

[WIND WHISTLING]

[GEESE HONKING]

- [THUNDERCLAP CRASHES]

- Hello, my precious little ravioli.

Agh-hh! - Shh! Quiet, baby.

- Who what are you? - I am the Hormone Monstress.

- [THUNDERCLAP CRASHES]

[CHUCKLES]

If you're here to tell me how terrible being a woman is, the Statue of Liberty and my mom already covered that.

The French are full of sh*t, your mother's a woman in decline.

- You're on the rise, girl.

- I am? But you'll have to make some changes, dumpling.

For instance, what the f*ck is this? - It's my baseball mitt.

- Get rid! - Hey! - Listen to me! You want to shoplift lipstick, you want to listen to Lana Del Rey on repeat while you cut up all your T-shirts.

You want to scream at your mother and then laugh at her tears! - But I don't want to scream at my mom.

- She's not your mom anymore.

- From now on, you call her Shannon.

- [THUNDERCLAP CRASHES]

- You're very beautiful.

- [PURRS]

I know.

- [SNIFFS]

Why do you smell so good? - Because I don't use deodorant and I only take bubble baths.

Everything okay in here, sweetie? [SCREAMS]

Get the hell out, Shannon! - Your hair looks nice.

- I said get out! Beautifully done, my little gyoza.

These are going to be the greatest years of your life.

Now let's fling ourselves onto the bed and cry so hard no sound comes out.

[HORMONE MONSTRESS SOBS]

- [THUNDERCLAP CRASHES]

- [LAUGHING]

- [JESSI SOBS]

- [HORMONE MONSTRESS LAUGHS]

[THUNDERCLAP CRASHES]

["EVERYBODY BLEEDS" PLAYING]