03x07 - Call Me Dame Booty Clench

[bunniefuu]

(TV PLAYING FAINTLY)

What are you doing?

I'm just really turned on by this movie.

Hidden Figures?

It's about ladies who do
math for the space program.

I know. Say it again.

Oh.

All right, well,

the one lady just
filled up the chalkboard

with all sorts of numbers
and fraternity letters.

(CHUCKLES)

Mmm. Are her mean male bosses impressed?

Yeah, and they're a little mad about it.

Yeah, they are.

- (PHONE RINGING)
- Mm. Terrible timing.

It must be my mother.

Yeah, she must have sensed I was happy.

Can't it wait an hour?

An hour?

I'm building in time
to finish the movie.

Geez. (SIGHS)

Hello, Mother.

Katharine, I need you to go to the store

- to get me some batteries.
- (STEADY BEEPING)

Why would you need
batteries at : at night?

Actually, don't answer that.

Kat, the rocket's ready to launch.

(WHISPERS): Both rockets.

I'm sorry, but my smoke
detector is beeping,

and you know I can't drive myself.

(SIGHS) I suppose I could sh**t it down

with your father's p*stol.

I'll-I'll be right there.

Also, I need milk. You're a dear. Bye.

(GROANS)

Wait, you're really gonna go?

Yeah. She's losing her eyesight.

And when they took away her license,

I promised I would help her out.

Okay.

If you trust me alone
with all these math ladies.

(SCOFFS) Very cute.

You know I'm the only math lady
who can factor your polynomials.

- Yeah, factor me, baby.
- (LAUGHS)

Okay, I'll be back soon.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

What are polynomials?

- Hello.
- Ah. What took you so long?

What did you do to your hair?

Did you drive here with
your head out the window?

This is just my normal hair, Mother.

And before you ask, yes,

this is what I wore to the store.

Here's your milk and batteries.

Where's the smoke detector?

Oh, funny story.

It wasn't the smoke detector beeping.

It was the freezer.

- What?
- The door was open.

I didn't even know it beeped.

My fault for not buying American.

Wonder where she put that g*n.

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

- Hey, y'all.
- (IMITATING): Hey, y'all.

Sorry. We just spent five hours
running errands with my mother,

and I think maybe Max has hit his limit.

An hour of looking at birthday
cards for her friend Elaine,

who she... and I quote...
"isn't a big fan of,"

and, "Shoulders back, Max.
Somebody here might know me,"

end quote.

I haven't gotten a birthday card
from my mother since I was .

It said, "My condolences, Steve."

I kept it. It means a lot to me.

Really? Your mom always
sends me a birthday card.

I got a random one last
week that just said,

"I'm proud of you."

PHIL: Oh, everybody be cool.

My crush is here. Quick.

Laugh like I said something funny.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, Phil, jumbo shrimp. Which is it?!

(CHUCKLES): Oh, hey, Jalen.

I didn't realize you walked in
while I was amusing my friends.

Hey, everyone.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Hi, I'm Max, nice to meet you.

Okay, enough of that.

Straight people, am I right?

Uh, I'm Kat. I'm straight,
too, but I'm cool.

- Eh.
- (CHUCKLES)

I just wanted to drop by

and invite you all to
my drag show tonight.

- Oh!
- Got to show the boss I can put asses in seats,

especially cute asses.

All right, I'll be there.

I don't think he meant you.

Uh, okay.

(GROANS) Got to get back to court.

Trying a case, and it
might be a hung jury,

but not the kind I like.

(LAUGHS): Hung jury, that's funny.

Okay, tone it down there, Stretch.

Well, I hope to see you all tonight.

KAT AND RANDI: Bye.

Damn, Phil, a hot younger
man who's also a lawyer?

My boyfriend farts in the
car and locks the windows.

(LAUGHS) Hot box.

(PHONE RINGING)

- Oh. My mother.
- No, don't answer it.

- Don't.
- No, it could be something important.

Maybe she's calling to
tell me she's proud of me.

It might be something important.

Hello.

I lost my sunglasses
while we were out today.

I need you to find them.

M-Mother, I-I gave
you my whole morning.

I have a life, too.

Attagirl. Put it out into the world,

and it will come true.

Please?

(SIGHS)

I suppose Max and I could
retrace our steps later.

You're a dear, I really appreciate this.

Also, I need vodka. Not
that cheap stuff you like.

Okay, bye.

I thought tonight was date night.

We were gonna watch Life of Pi.

It's about math.

(CHUCKLES) It's not about math.

That's the boy's name.

I hate this day.

And then I said, "You
can't put that in my mouth."

- Oh.
- (LAUGHTER)

All right, baby, I don't
want you to get jealous,

but gay guys got a q*eer
eye for this straight guy.

What? That doesn't surprise me.

You have the looks of Michael B. Jordan

and the arms of Michelle Obama.

Hey, girl. (LAUGHS)

Where'd you buy those
boobs? I need to go shopping.

(LAUGHS): Got her! They are big!

I'm so sorry, honey.

- You need to be this tall to ride the ride.
- (LAUGHS)

But you are the perfect
height to service it.

Oh! Well, I do got the
right tool for that job.

- (LAUGHTER)
- All right, I'm next.

Now, remember, no jealousy.

Is it gonna be my hair, my body,

my impossible-to-nail-down age?

Oh, no, stop. I am so jealous.

Never in my to years
have I been ignored like that.

(LAUGHS)

(GASPS) Hey, guys, here
she is, Queen Dicktoria.

- (CHUCKLES): Oh.
- Uh-oh.

It looks like your
queen has a lot of fans.

Or are they waving at you, Carter?

Oh, no, I'm just a groupie.

It's Elton John all over again.

"Tiny Dancer," that was me.

Hello, Mother, we found your sunglasses.

Oh, she must be asleep, let's
go get our math movie on.

(WHISPERS): I have to pee.

Pee in a bush.

It's the only reason I came in.

- SHEILA: Katharine, is that you?
- Yep.

Oh, I thought I heard you.

If you'd stuck with ballet,

you wouldn't have that plodding gait.

She has fat feet.

I have flat feet.

- Both can be true.
- (MAX CHUCKLES)

- We found your sunglasses.
- Oh.

Yeah. They were not
at the doctor's office,

so we also checked the
nail salon, the mall,

the blow-dry bar, and
then I had Max drive,

which turned out to be a smart thing,

because do you know where
I found your sunglasses?

Katharine, just land the plane.

Side pocket of the passenger door.

Did you try these on? They seem bent.

Max, let's go.

Yoga's at : tomorrow,
be here by : .

What? No. No. I cannot
take you to yoga tomorrow.

Well, if it's too much
trouble to help your mother,

I understand.

No, no, it's fine.
I'll-I'll be here at : .

Make it : , you'll
have to parallel park,

and I know you need a
couple sh*ts at that.

(KAT SIGHS)

Sheila, yeah, maybe
you should try to find

another way to get to yoga.

I think Kat needs a break.

Oh, you heard her, she's fine.

I think she's just saying that

'cause she doesn't
want to disappoint you.

(SCOFFS) Since when?

If she keeps having to
drop everything to help you,

she's gonna cr*ck.

You have no idea how much
I hate depending on people.

Yeah, that's got to be so hard.

I can't even imag... I'm
sorry, I really got to pee.

(LAUGHTER)

I spent minutes at the bar,

and the only person
that talked to me said,

"Are you the guy who played Urkel?"

(IMITATING URKEL): I did not do that.

Baby, settle down, it's okay.

(REGULAR VOICE): It's not okay.

I did squats today.

I mean, I came in here dragging a wagon,

and not one person asked for a ride.

DAME BOOTY CLENCH (BRITISH
ACCENT): Our final act of the night

swings the biggest scepter
in Tuckingham Palace.

Please welcome the spoiled royal,

Queen Dicktoria.

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

Time to cheer along
with my sister wives.

("BIG SPENDER" PLAYING)

♪ The minute you walked in the joint ♪

♪ I could see you were
a man of distinction ♪

♪ A real big spender ♪

♪ You're good-looking, so refined ♪

♪ Say, wouldn't you like ♪

♪ To know what's going on in my mind? ♪

♪ So let me get right to the point ♪

♪ I don't pop my cork
for every man I see ♪

- ♪ Hey, big spender ♪
- ♪ Hey, big spender ♪

♪ Spend ♪

♪ A little time with me. ♪

Oh, that is so sweet.

Suck it, hoes, I'm her favorite.

Whoa, how late were
y'all out last night?

I got in at : .

Jalen's friends wanted
to go to a club after.

- I'm gonna go lay down.
- Wait, in my bed?

Don't worry, I'll keep
my drawers on this time.

- Oh, no.
- Oh.

- Hello, all.
- Morning, Sheila.

If you're looking for
Kat, she's, uh, at the zoo.

Yeah, yeah, she at the zoo.

So, she didn't just duck behind
the counter when I came in?

No. No duck.

But you know where there are ducks?

At the zoo where she at.

Well, if you see her,

tell her that I'm not going to ask her

to do anything for me anymore.

- Hello, Mother.
- Oh.

Why'd you say I was at the zoo?

I was just... I was just seeing

if the, uh, counter is
still connected to the floor.

Breaking news, it is. (LAUGHS)

Well, I have news, too.

I found something that's gonna
make both of our lives easier.

Just land the plane, Mother.

I'm thinking of moving into
an active senior community.

- What?
- It's called Valley Hills.

Imagine the Four Seasons
meets Eyes Wide Shut

with dinner at : .

Ooh, how old do you
have to be to live there?

What... what, are you
gonna sell the house?

I'd have to. I'm on a fixed income,

and my only daughter runs a business

that's increasingly
difficult to explain.

It's the cats. Nobody
gets the damn cats.

Everybody loves the cats!

Look, I-I know I
complained about yesterday,

but I really don't mind helping you out.

But there's a lot of upsides to this.

They have a lovely
spa, three restaurants,

and a complimentary
shuttle that doesn't whine

if I want to stop at Pier .

You don't need more wind chimes.

Just, I can't believe
you're gonna sell the house.

This is a lot to process right now.

Kat, we're out of conditioner.

Ooh, if I prepay the first year,

they'll throw in the
premium liquor package.

(CHUCKLES): Oh, Valley Hills.

I am about to wreck your bottom line.

You're not seriously
considering that dump, are you?

I enjoyed the tour.

And I can get a room with a balcony,

if Mr. Murray's heart
surgery doesn't go well.

You are not gonna like it there.

You're gonna end up in a room

next to some guy with an oxygen t*nk.

You'll nickname him Wheezy.

Then after one too
many at Merlot Monday,

you'll be like, "Hey, Wheezy,
let's spark up a doobie."

And then, boom.

Wheezy's toupee lights up like
a menorah on the eighth night.

I'm not befriending
anyone with a toupee,

but the rest of that story sounded fun.

Yeah, fine. Sell the
house, move in there.

But when you realize that
this was a huge mistake,

you are not coming to live with me.

Promise?

I-I'm serious.

I think this is a bad idea.

- You are gonna hate being with all those old people.
- It's not your decision.

I'm doing it, and I don't
really care if you approve.

- Fine.
- Fine.

Huh. Look at that. A Pier .

(CHUCKLES) Not gonna stop.

- When were y'all gonna tell me?
- All right, all right.

Al Roker didn't write
you that letter, I did.

I'm talking about my body.

I put on some pounds, let myself go.

Wait, you wrote that letter?

So he's not coming here
to play pickleball with me?

What are you talking
about, you put on pounds?

I love your body.

No, I'm doubling down, I love your body.

Wait, are you still mad
that a room full of gay men

didn't sexually harass you?

It makes no sense.

My personality? Sparkling.

My hair? On point.

My eyes? You need a lifeguard
or you'll drown in 'em.

Your vanity? Astounding.
Your self-esteem? Misguided.

She doesn't see what I see.

Sorry, I overslept, and
I can't find my drawers.

You go out again last night?

Jalen and I closed down
a dueling piano bar.

It was like yours, but there
were tons of people there.

Could've just said
you went to a bar, man.

- (BEEPING)
- What the hell?

My brownies!

Just so you know, I see you, too.

Oh, my poor brownies.

And how in the world did my
drawers end up in the oven?

I know you like Jalen,

but you're gonna have
to take a night off.

I can't. Jalen has a
lot of men after him.

And if I'm not there, he'll be hounded

by that hussy Allen from LensCrafters.

Jalen will still like you if he
finds out your bedtime is : .

: ? Maybe if I did cocaine.

CARTER: Hey, Randi, is this sexy?

I want to take a picture
for Phil's friends.

Chin up. Flex a little.

No.

I got you. I know your angles.

(HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM)

- (LINE RINGS, BEEPS)
- Hey, it's Sheila.

Leave a message after the beep.

- And stay frosty.
- (BEEPS)

Hello, Mother, this is Katharine.

This is message number seven.

Please listen to them in order.

When you start cleaning out my room,

do not throw away my
Best at Algebra trophy

or my Most Improved Hall Monitor award.

Cost me three weeks'
allowance to get those made.

Don't forget your homemade Grammy

for your "Tattling Gets a Bad Rap" rap.

(CHUCKLES): Dad?

♪ It's not uncool to know the rules ♪

♪ To tell the teacher ♪

BOTH: ♪ On those fools. ♪

(LAUGHS)

It's really good to see
you, how are you doing?

Well, you know, not bad for being dead.

What's up with you, kiddo?

Oh, a lot.

I've got a boyfriend.

The café's doing really well.

Mom's selling the house 'cause I
didn't want to take her to yoga.

I know.

You bought that house
when you guys got married.

I grew up there.

It was a great house.

She says she wants to move
into a retirement home.

Good news is, she'll get
that room with a balcony.

I have inside information.

You've got to stop her, Dad.

Haunt the crap out of her.

Let me ask you a question.

Are you sure what you're
upset about is the house?

Yeah, I don't want her selling it.

Plus, Mom doesn't belong
in a place like that,

with all those old people.

Kat.

Your mother is getting older.

And if you tell her I said that,

I will haunt the crap out of you.

I just still see her as
the young, vibrant woman

who packed cigarettes in my
lunch so I could make friends.

(LAUGHS) And then you turned
her in to the principal

and gave yourself a citizenship award.

Just, those senior communities are

usually the last stop before...

Just, I don't even
want to think about it.

It's possible you're not the only one

having a hard time with this.

Yeah. You're right.

Hey, you should be wearing a seat belt.

What's gonna happen?

(SCOFFS)

Are these your mother's sunglasses?

- Oh, son of a bitch.
- Kat.

♪ When you hear a good friend cuss ♪

♪ The thing you got
to do is make a fuss ♪

- (BEATBOXING)
- ♪ Tell the teacher 'cause that ain't cool ♪

♪ And get that cussing kid sent ♪

BOTH: ♪ Home from school. ♪

(LAUGHING)

Oh, Dad. I really...

... miss you.

- Hi.
- Oh.

What are you doing here?

Oh, you, uh, left your
sunglasses in my car again.

I was leaving them for you.

Your big Charlie Brown
head stretched them out.

What do we have here?

(CHUCKLES): Oh, yep.

You really stole the spotlight
at my bat mitzvah, didn't you?

You started rapping.

I had to show some
skin to distract people.

(SIGHS) Look, I'm sorry about earlier.

I got you this.

Oh, Katharine, that's so thoughtful.

(CHIMING)

Oh.

They're for your new place.

Thank you. (CHUCKLES)

Is the receipt in the bag?

Look, if, if Valley
Hills is what you want,

- I support you %.
- (SCOFFS)

Of course it's not what I want.

I wanted to grow old
here with my husband.

I wanted to have perfect vision.

I wanted to have many grandbabies.

I'm sorry things have not
worked out the way you planned.

And you're right, I have not given you

any grandbabies yet,

but I have given you
many grand-kittens.

Oh, Katharine, you always know
the exact wrong thing to say.

Wherever you go,

whatever you need, I'll be here.

Thank you.

I know I don't tell you this enough,

but I raised a wonderful daughter.

You know, um,

Valley Hills is known for
its robust theater program.

Maybe we could finally star in Gypsy.

Again, the exact wrong thing to say.

- Hey, everyone.
- Hi.

- So glad you made it.
- Hey.

- Oh, you look beautiful.
- Aw.

I loved your song.

I've never seen anybody
twerk to Sinatra before.

Well, you know, "I did it my way."

(LAUGHTER)

Phil, I need to talk to you.

Oh, is that bitch Allen
from LensCrafters here?

- You've seen his overbite, haven't you?
- (CHUCKLES)

Listen, I got to be honest.

Going out every night is k*lling me.

What?

I know you're kind of a party animal.

(LAUGHS): Well, true
dat, as you kids say.

And Queen Dicktoria is, too,

but, well, Jalen is more of a homebody.

His idea of a good
time is an Aperol Spritz

and a couple episodes of Love Island.

(SIGHS) Fake tans, real drama?

Sign me up.

Thank you for understanding.

Please, I'd be happy
doing anything with you.

Me, too.

(GIGGLES SOFTLY)

Oh, girl, save some
Botox for the rest of us.

I'm actually laughing.

You just can't tell because
my eyebrows don't move.

(LAUGHS) Oh, and who's
this handsome devil?

Me? I'm handsome?

Is that your usual haircut or
are you just happy to see me?

Aw, Dame Booty Clench,

you just made a young-to-middle-aged
man's dream come true.

And this one.

Oh, whatever you're gonna say,
my mother's b*at you to it.

♪ ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ I'm gon' do what I want ♪

♪ Do the crime, don't get caught ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm breaking
all the rules today ♪

♪ Don't try so hard ♪

♪ Do what I feel, they
ain't stoppin' me ♪

♪ Can you keep up with me? ♪

♪ Can you keep up with me? ♪