05x08 - Of Missing Minds and Missing Fries

[bunniefuu]

How's the job hunt going, Mom?

Slow. It's the first time

I've ever applied
for managerial positions.

The jobs I used to look for just asked

if I've ever been to prison

and to click on all the squares
that have stop signs in 'em.

Well, I'd be careful about putting all

that personal information
out there, Darlene.

What if you're sending your
résumé to some nefarious creep

lurking on the Dark Web?

Well, if Thanos is looking

for a mid-level minion
and he promotes from within,

I'd at least like to be considered.

I'm gonna go get everybody.

Have you gotten any responses yet?

You know, just the usual
first wave of rejections,

but that happens when you apply
for a lot of jobs.

Sorry. All that rejection
must really hurt.

I mean, I don't know,
'cause I got my Whole Foods job

minutes after I applied.

Grandpa. That's for everybody.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize

we were in the middle of a famine.

Well, did you get a job yet?

Not since you asked two hours ago.

My dad always said,

"You don't quit a job
till ya got another job."

Of course, he was a drunk who also said

nothing good ever came
from educated women.

My point is, I bet you regret

leaving Wellman so quickly now.

[Groans] I know I regret it.

The company was destroying
the environment, Ben.

I couldn't live with myself if
I worked there for one more day.

Yes, I know, and I appreciate that,

but just for the sake of argument,

isn't everything a little bad
for the environment?

- No.
- [Sighs]

My dad left me cheap old paint
from Nigeria with lead in it,

and I mix and sell that paint every day

and I sleep like a log.

Probably 'cause I mix paint
with lead in it, but...

I know you're worried, but
I'm going to get something.

I finally have a solid résumé
that I didn't have to lie on.

What? No lies?!

- Let's see this little bio of truth.
- No.

It's... It's boring. You
wouldn't want to hear it.

Yes, we would. And that's why I...

- printed it out.
- Oh!

"I-I like to think of myself
as a people person

who sees the good in everyone."

I do, you mean, empty-headed Barbie!

Uh, "I have a positive
attitude, high energy..."

[Laughs]

"... and I believe
overcontrolling managers

stifle productivity." [Laughs]

[Southern accent] Oh, I do declare,

I believe my productivity
is bein' stifled.

[Laughter]

Jackie: Uh-oh, she gonna get it!
She gonna get it!

[Cheering]

[Laughter]

Nobody tells the truth on these things,

- or nobody would have a job.
- [Computer chimes]

Oh. Oh. There you go, people.

My first interview.

With a company that makes
acoustic ceiling tiles.

Alright. Dare to dream, everybody.

Alright!

Hey, uh, something just happened

that I need to talk to you guys about.

I was just with Grandma Bev.

The hell were you doing
going to see Grandma Bev?

You've seen horror movies.

You're supposed to run away
from the monster!

Well, I felt bad because
no one goes to see her,

so I took her to a senior
aqua-cize class,

and in the middle of it,
she scared the hell out of me.

She didn't know where she was
or why she was there.

I think she might have dementia.

Ugh. God. Here we go.

Somebody needs my attention.

I don't go see her
for a couple of years,

because for once

I hold a boundary
to take care of myself,

and now she's got dementia.

When my dad started losing it,

my half-brother urged me
to go see him, and I said no.

I regret that.

Maybe it's not an act.

It's her pattern.

Dan, remember?

Last time she moved in with me,

she said it was because she was broke,

but actually they kicked her
out of the senior home

for spreading VD.

I'll go see her, but, you know,

if this is somehow chlamydia-related,

I'm gonna be pissed.

♪

♪

"The Conners" is filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

Uh, I looked it up, and I never realized

that acoustic ceiling tiles

are really the unsung heroes
of our everyday lives.

Well, I must say, Darlene
[Clears throat]

your résumé does tick all the boxes

for what we're looking for
in a production manager.

But I have to ask...
why did you leave Wellman?

Well, I achieved everything
I wanted to there,

and I felt it was time to
look for bigger challenges.

It's all in my bio.

"Achieved everything, likes
to look for bigger challenges."

So, I did speak
to your supervisor, Robin.

She was very complimentary.

But Bill Wellman called me
about an hour ago.

Oh.

Uh, how's ol' Bill doing?

He told me that
you weren't a team player

and you have a bad attitude.

Oh, yeah, we would joke around
a lot like that.

He'd say, "You have
a bad attitude, Darlene!"

And I'd say, "You're bald
and a big liar, Bill!"

And we would just laugh and laugh.

Hm. Hey, look, I get
that people hold grudges

when someone they're counting on
leaves the company.

I'd love to hear your side of it.

Okay. Here's the truth.

Wellman is poisoning the groundwater,

and they wanted me to lie to the public.

Do you drink water?

'Cause Bill Wellman
is trying to m*rder you.

Why didn't you tell me that
in the first place?

Because it sounds crazy
if I can't give you any proof.

Bill also said you were
an overly dramatic

eco-conspiracy nut with no proof.

Well. [Clears throat]

I am not surprised
he painted me that way.

Because the truth is...

Bill is in love with me.

I think it's safe to
say we're done here.

Agreed. When do I start?

Blink if I'm hired.

Blink if you validate.

♪

[Knock on door]

- Hello!
- Jackie: Hi, Mom.

Well, you got me here,
so let the show begin!

Kind of surprised that you
don't have pants on your head

and you're yelling about aliens

and building a mountain
out of mashed potatoes.

What are you going on about?

Nothing you say ever makes sense.

That's why people lose interest
in you so quickly.

Okay, well, um, I stopped by
for a wellness check.

You're still awful,
so I will see you next time

when I'm here to identify the body. Bye.

Just stop your gibberish and come in.

I haven't seen you in forever!

Oi.

Nice circle.

You forgot to draw the pentagram in it.

These are all the things I need.

I was afraid that I would forget
where I put them,

so I keep them all near.

Oh, I see. That's a nice touch,
Mom, yeah.

So, you know, uh,

the real reason that I'm here is that

Harris said you didn't know
where you were yesterday

when you were at the pool
for your senior exercise.

Don't be so silly.

I know where I am all the time.

Hmm.

Harris who?

Darlene's daughter, Harris.
She took you to the Y.

Just cut the crap.

[Chuckling] Mom.

Oh, you don't remember her?

Of course I do. Yes.

And that reminds me.

Could you tell Roseanne

that she needs to come by
and visit me, too?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about your sister.

Do you not know who your sister is?

Roseanne's gone, Mom.

She passed away.

What?

Oh, my God.

When did this happen?

You really don't know, do you?

It was years ago, Mom.

You don't remember any of this?

[Exhales heavily]

Okay.

Uh, let's...

Let's get you a-a check-up, and, um...

in the meantime, I'll just...
spend the night here.

Yes.

- That would be nice.
- [Chuckles]

I always know that I can
count on you for comfort.

You know who I am, right?

Of course.

I'm Jackie.

Jackie. Right.

Yeah. Your daughter, Jackie.

I know you're my daughter.
Stop slouching!

It makes your tiny boobs look smaller.

Oh, there's my girl.

Great. Bill Wellman is
badmouthing me so much,

now I'm even being turned down
by jobs I'm perfect for.

If you want, I can ask
if there's any openings

at my grocery store.

There are some people
who open boxes in the back.

They're strange, kind of feral
people with no social skills.

You could be their queen.

You know, when I was
in my nd hour of labor,

pushing a watermelon through a Cheerio,

I was kind of hoping for
somebody more grateful.

He'd be more grateful if that Cheerio

was a portal to another family.

Hey, I got him a new dad.

Anyway, I-I already took a job
with a food delivery service.

Dan: Food delivery?

They tip in advance. There's
hardly any human contact.

This was practically made for you.

How did it go? Did you see Bev?

I spent the night. Harris is right.

I think she's starting
to develop dementia.

I'm so sorry, Jackie. That's rough.

You know, if you don't have
an active social life,

you have a higher chance
of getting dementia,

and we left her alone a lot.

Yeah, well, because of the COVID.

Sure. Of course. The COVID.

That's our story, right?

They also say you have
a higher chance of getting it

if you have a hearing loss.
I missed that sign.

Damn woman never heard a word I said.

Look, I just, uh, wanted to
let you know what was going on,

but I know it all falls on me,
and it's just so damn unfair!

[Refrigerator door opens]

Morning beer, huh?

Well, if there was ever a time.

But they say if you drink alone,
you have a problem.

Let me help you stay healthy.

- Thanks.
- It is unfair.

That woman doesn't deserve
to have you look after her

for the rest of her life.

That's not the unfair part, Dan.

I should've gone to her sooner.

Well, now that you know,
you can be there for her.

I'm not talking about compassion.

I'm talking about revenge, man!

Now, when I finally
get my life together,

she's all in and out of it.

I might never get the satisfaction

of telling her how wrong
she was about me!

So, catch her while she's "in"
and let her know

how you overcame
all the damage she did to you.

I was afraid to tell her
while she's so vulnerable,

but she never cared
about my vulnerability.

I'm gonna do it.

Spent her entire life
telling me what a failure I was.

I'm gonna shove my happiness
right in her face!

That's what I always wanted
to k*ll her, not dementia.

♪

This all sounds good, Darlene.
I think you'd be a perfect fit.

I'll e-mail you an offer in a few.

Oh, that would be so great,
Travis. Thank you.

What was that?

One of the people that Robin talked to

before Bill stopped her
is offering me a job.

Yes! Ha!

It's a mid-level management position

at a ball-point pen manufacturing plant.

Ohh!

I'm feeling a happy dance coming on!

Yeah... yeah.

Ha-ha!

[Computer chimes]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Okay. Here's the offer.

Oh, crap.

- He's lowballing me.
- Well, come on.

That's still more than you're
gonna make delivering food.

[Cellphone chimes]

Well, speaking of,
I have to make some deliveries.

But first... You know what? No.

[Keyboard clacking]
"I appreciate the offer,

but I need % more.

I'm willing to look past all
my other offers for this one."

Come on. You really think now
is the time to be bluffing?

You got a bird in the hand.

Look, I know you're scared,
and I'm scared, too,

but I did the impossible.

I'm a Conner and I clawed
my way into management

and a decent salary.

You know, if I take this offer,

I could end up working
the rest of my life

and never make it back to where I was.

You're right.

Don't take a penny less
than you deserve.

And get medical, too.

Oh, yeah. You know what?

You're right. I-I've earned that.

Yeah, we're gonna need it,
'cause I think I pulled

something in my groin
doing the happy dance.

♪

Food delivery!
It's Darlene with your food!

[Chuckles]

Darlene Conner?

From the job interview?

Well, of course.

Who else would this happen to?

This is classic.

I assume the other job offers
you were talking about

were from Pizza Hut and Grubhub?

Um, look, this is awkward, obviously.

Uh, but I just didn't want to jump into

the wrong management position,

so I took a temp job.

But my qualifications haven't changed,

so if you are good
with my counter-offer,

we split a six-foot sub,

and the people at the -step meeting

have to fill up on coffee
and cigarettes.

I know this is a bad coincidence,

but let's be honest...

it doesn't make any sense
for me to negotiate.

Okay. How about this?

I can go...

as low as that.

Oh. Look at that. It's one of yours.

My family is waiting for dinner.
Do we have a deal or not?

Look, I deserve what I asked for,

and I just can't take any less.

You're making a big mistake.

No, you're making a big mistake,

because you could have a great employee,

but corporate guys like you
are so greedy

that they have to grind
the little guy for pennies

rather than pay them what they're worth.

And it's pretty messed up that
you're taking advantage of me

because you think I'm desperate.

Well, I'm not desperate enough
to sell my integrity

to some greedy bastard like you.

And you know what?

I ate your coleslaw,
and it was fantastic.

♪

Hey, Mom. I saw the nurse.
She said you had a good day.

Everything come back to you?
You know who I am?

Of course I do, Jackie.

I hope this is good soup.

Not like that warm dishwater you serve

at that failing restaurant of yours.

Okay. Alright.

Well, now that I know
the lights are on...

Uh, it's not failing. It's thriving.

Mom. [Clears throat]

You spent your entire life
belittling me,

uh, making me doubt myself, hate myself,

uh, telling me that I'd never
be happy or worthy of love,

and you were wrong.

Mom, I'm happy, I'm healthy,

and I found somebody who loves me,

and we got married,
and we didn't invite you,

and he's a doctor, Mom!

And he thinks I'm funny and adorable,

and we are gonna hold each other tight

until the day we die!

Hunh! [Laughs]

Man, I've... I've spent my entire life

trying to get your approval,
and now I don't need it.

You understand? [Chuckles]

Do ya?

This is very important to me
that you understand...

that I don't need your approval.

I have to not have it. Give it to me.

Al Harris is taking me

to the sock hop Saturday night.

I think he wants to go steady.

No. Wait. No.

Mom, don't do this to me.

Why am I even talking to you?

Where's my daughter?
I wanna tell my daughter!

I'm right here! Mom, do you remember me?

Huh?!

I-I-I'm the loser who
no sane man could ever love.

Who wouldn't love you?

I mean, I know we just met,
but let me give you a hug!

Sure.

Yeah. [Chuckles]

You seem like a lovely person.

So...

why don't you sit down and...

[Chuckles]

Here. There you go.

And I'll just sit over here.

And, um...

I'll tell you about my mom.

Oh, God. She was a horrible person.

♪

Dinner's ready!
It's Thanksgiving, people!

What's going on? Where's all
the tasteless vegan stuff?

And is that a real turkey or is that

some sort of turkey-shaped mushroom?

Uh, no, that's a dead animal
right there.

Lived, breathed, had hopes and dreams,

and now you're gonna eat it.

Thank you, Lord! Can't wait
to put gravy on them dreams.

Uh-oh. The last time she cooked us meat

was to tell us that Dad left.

No, I just want you all to know

that I turned down a job yesterday.

I had to do it, but
I'm sorry for any sacrifices

you'll be forced to make because of it.

We'll all just tighten our belts
a bit for the near future.

But first, I'm gonna loosen mine,

'cause this'll probably be
the last big meal

we're gonna have for a while.

You did the right thing
passing on that offer.

You're smart, you do your job well,

- something else will come along.
- [Door closes]

- You promise?
- Absolutely not!

Hello, family.

How'd your talk go with Bev?

Uh, I'm not sure.

Right after I finished, she said
she was going to the sock hop

with my dead father.

Wow. It's like "Happy Days"
with VD and a ghost.

I mean, she was just so
in and out of it that I gave up,

and even if it registered,

she'd just forget it the next day. Yeah.

Maybe she's suppressing everything

because it's too painful
for her remembering

how awful she was to you.

Wow, Harris. That's very profound.

Yeah, I don't know where that came from.

My brain must have needed the meat.

So, I found somebody part-time,

but now I've got to get
a long-term caregiver.

Jackie, I give you a lot of credit

for stepping up to take care of her.

You're being very healthy about this.

Well, even after all the
horrible things she did to me,

she's still my mother,
but the sad thing is,

I think she's gonna be
sweet to me from now on.

Would it help if we reminded you

once in a while that
you're a slouching failure?

Aww! You guys!

You're the best!

To Bev.

- Yeah!
- To Bev!

Now, I'm not the kind of person

who waits for a will
to do something nice.

I wanna see the joy on your little faces

when I give you these things.

Aww. I'm... I'm not sure we
should take stuff, Grandma Bev.

- You might change your mind.
- Shut up!

She wants the pleasure of
giving. Let the old woman have it.

This is a very rare,

priceless necklace!

Ohh. Wow!

Made from your Aunt Jackie's
umbilical cord!

[Screams] Unh!

Think about that next time
you call me "old woman."