04x09 - Horrority House

[bunniefuu]

- Jesus!

- Count Nickula!

Where's your costume? It's Halloween!

The craziest night of the world!

You might get laid!

You might get candy!

You might get stabbed!

Halloween is Christmas for the bad kids.

Ugh, fine. You want me to wear a costume?

How's this? I'm a guy in a hat. All right?

That's nothing!

You can't go trickin' and a-treatin'

like you're just some assh*le from Boston!

I'm not going trick-or-treating.

Jay and Lola are dragging Andrew and me

to this dumb haunted house thing.

Damn! Why are you being

such a downer, kid?

'Cause everything sucks

and I'm gonna have to see Jessi tonight.

Fire crotch? Why don't you wanna see her?

Because he tried to kiss her!

And she went psycho.

You were vulnerable,

and you paid the price.

Yeah, exactly.

When you let people in,

you just get hurt.

Whoa, Nick. You sound like Kurt Cobain.

He's the one ghost nobody wants

to hang out with.

He's a bummer! ♪

You know what?

f*ck Halloween. f*ck everybody!

- That's the spirit!

- I'm a little worried about Nick.

You're worried that he has

to go the bathroom,

but he can't get his hot dog suit off?

Do you have to go to the bathroom, Rick?

Yes, please!

I'm going through changes ♪

I'm going through changes ♪

Oh, in my life ♪

Oh, ooh, ooh! ♪

And now I'm home,

but I still have this nagging feeling

that something's just wrong

and that I'm just a loser.

Jessi, what you're describing

that's anxiety.

She's talking about me!

Anxiety is that feeling we get inside

that there's danger all around us.

I feel so seen!

You're also depressed.

You had yellow mustard on a tortilla

- for dinner last night.

- Oof.

And when I feel anxious,

you know what I do?

I practice my gratitude.

Yeah, I'm just not feeling, um

very grateful right now.

Well, gratitude, like your pelvic floor,

is a muscle that needs to be strengthened.

- In my case, a lot.

- Okay.

For example,

one thing I am very grateful for

is my beautiful collection.

Oh, yeah, I noticed. So many frogs.

Oh, Jessi!

They're not frogs. They're toads.

What's the difference?

Please stop! I might wet myself!

We can't have that happen again.

Now, why don't you tell me

what you're grateful for, hmm?

Uh, I guess I'm grateful for my parents.

Oh, God, why?

Your daddy owes more on his recumbent bike

than the thing is worth.

Shannon puts so much pressure on you,

you might explode!

You know what?

I don't think this is for me.

Well, it takes practice.

Will you practice

with me next week, Jessi?

Um, whatever. Yeah.

Happy Halloween!

Hi, Jessi.

Hi, Coach Steve.

Oh, God, we go to the same therapist?

f*ck!

Oh, yeah, I'm here for couples counseling.

Really? With who?

None of your sh*t business,

you f*cking slut!

- Whoa!

- Sorry, he's a bad mitten.

But he's working on it.

Why don't you work on putting your mouth

around the barrel of a f*cking shotgun?

Okay. Bye, Coach Steve.

Bye, Jessi. You and me are the same now!

Oh, I don't know, the Nanshe costume feels

kinda dorky now, doesn't it?

Not if you make it sexy.

Cut it off short!

Then you'll get all the candy.

What? I can't wear that!

Everyone will see my, you know,

Yoni Danza.

You mean, your twat?

Mona!

- What?

- Ugh!

I don't wanna be too sexy,

and I don't wanna be too dorky.

It's sort of just like, "Who am I now?"

Missy, Jessi's here!

Well, I guess this is the year

I say farewell to childish fancy

and just go as as nobody.

- Trick or treat!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Treat!

Here's an unwearable V-neck undershirt

for you,

a tiny conditioner

from Courtyard by Marriott,

and for you,

a charger for my old PalmPilot.

Now scram, I've already called the cops.

Oh, good, you didn't dress up either.

What are you talking about?

I'm Jack Nicholson in As Good as It Gets.

Look, I have bacon in my pocket

to attract Greg Kinnear's dog.

Cool reference, cool vibe, Andrew.

Now be careful out there, Andrew.

Statistically, Halloween is

the most dangerous night of the year.

Death lurks around every corner.

There are so many drunk drivers.

Don't forget razor blades in candy bars!

And child molesters

dressed up as leaf piles!

Maybe you should go without me.

With my fat can, I'm major pedophile bait.

No, you're coming.

I didn't even want to go

to this stupid haunted sorority house.

Ooh, did somebody say "sorority"?

They're doing a haunted house

where those sorority girls

got m*rder*d last year.

Maybe we'll do a panty raid, you know?

Steal their underpants?

And then then they're your underpants.

And then what? I wear them?

Yes! Shout-out to Marv Albert.

- Hi!

- Ruth Bader Ginsberg! I love it!

Can I ask, what are you?

Gianni Versace.

It was a couples costume.

Aiden was gonna be Andrew Cunanan,

and we had this cinnamon stick

with cooked spaghetti

For Donatella!

Of course, it looks just like her.

But Aiden and I aren't really talking

right now.

Aww, are you still ghosting him?

No, ghosting is when you give a hand job

but from under the bed. Ooh, spooky!

I don't even know what to say to Aiden.

My mom's just making me feel so weird

about our relationship.

Who cares what your mom thinks?

She's not a sexy boy. Aiden is.

If Aiden were your mom,

then your mom would

You know what?

I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Missy,

what are you supposed to be this year?

Ugh! Defeated.

I couldn't decide on a costume,

so I just gave up. Ta-da!

Ugh, I can't believe you passed up

Aiden's teen tush for these bummer broads.

Shut up, you limp nobody.

I'll slice that d*ck right off your face.

What language is that?

You're you're very beautiful.

English, you f*cking idiot.

Sweetheart, if you're gonna work

in this country,

you better learn the language.

- f*ck off.

- Now, that I understand.

You wanna put your fingy in my sphincty.

Holy sh*t, this place is terrifying!

Just calm down, it's a haunted house.

Nobody's dying.

Oh, God! Active sh**t!

This is how I'm gonna die!

You've just been k*lled by Bonnie

And Clyde!

Best

couples

costume

ever!

Oh, boy, this is as bad as it gets!

You get it, Nick?

Because of the movie. With Jack.

I don't know who Jack is, okay?

I don't like movies.

I like watching YouTube videos two inches

from my face.

This horrority house is gonna be lit!

Yeah, the Bridgeton Chutney said it's,

and I quote,

"A tasteless cash grab and a slap

in the face to the victims' families,"

- end quote.

- Hey, guys!

Greetings, Jessi.

Hello, Newman.

Rick, we need to talk about

this Nick and Jessi situation.

How they're gonna get so much candy?

No, how Nick was an assh*le.

I'm sorry, are you his hormone monster?

Oh, you know what? You're right.

He's not my concern anymore.

You're very wise. Thank you.

No, I'm confused.

Are you his hormone monster?

Oh, no, honey, you are.

Oh, Connie, my dear, I am a hot dog.

All right, pledges,

after you sign the waiver,

get your frosh asses into the common room.

Oh, Jesus, we sign a waiver?

Once you sign the waiver,

they can do whatever they want to you.

Oh, yeah, I heard these sorority chicks

can full-on s*ab you.

I feel faint.

Just breathe, Andrew.

Here we go, in for four seconds

and out for four seconds.

Siri, I need to relax.

Set a repeating timer for four seconds

and have the alarm be a siren!

- Babe, do you have our money?

- Babe, I thought you were bringing it.

Babe, my mom took my allowance

to pay for her boyfriend's Invisalign.

Babe, I don't keep money at my house

because my brothers burn it!

Uh, excuse me.

Do you by any chance accept

close-up magic tricks in lieu of payment?

Or sexual flavors?

Oh, my God!

Are you freaks kidding me right now?

Money is everything to me.

If you can't pay,

you need to get lost, losers.

This is such bullshit!

Yeah, this is the worst thing

that's ever happened at this house

where three girls' ponytails and faces

got, like, chopped off!

Welcome to Kappa Kappa k*ll!

K-K-K!

Oh, wow.

Okay, just breathe.

Oh, my God! Siren!

On this night last year,

three girls were k*lled

by the Ponytail k*ller

at a party just like this.

Tonight, we're looking for new blood!

Oh, I thought this was gonna be sexy.

I thought it was gonna be like one

of those escape rooms,

where you show up and all your friends

tell you that you need to stop drinking.

Uh, I think that was an intervention.

Well, I escaped.

Who are you?

You're gonna be bad for me,

but I know I can't get enough of you.

Shh! I'm trying to listen to the play.

Oh, sorry, Ben Brantley.

- Hey!

- What the f*ck is this?

Wheee!

Okay, now everyone raise your cups

of "slut juice,"

'cause it's time to toast to you,

our new pledges!

Lame.

To Kappa Kappa k*ll!

K-K-K!

No, I absolutely will not say that.

Drink, b*tches!

Whoa, this tastes weird.

Does anybody else feel funny?

Am I allergic to slut juice?

This sucks!

Yeah, if I wanted to be locked out

of a house, I'd go home.

Babe, what if we snuck in?

Babe, totally. But, like, how?

You heard the ka-chunk of the lock!

Babe, if magic has taught me anything,

it's that there is always a second door.

And also, you have to dye your hair

inky black by the age of 30.

Babe, hark!

- A window.

- Shall we shimmy, Bonnie?

Clyde, I live to burgle.

What the

What the? Wh?

Where is everyone? What's going on?

"Protect yourself."

From what? Cheesy haunted houses?

Yep, here we go.

Who are you supposed to be?

f*cking Pennywhistle from If?

I don't watch movies.

Yeah, ooh-ooh! Be careful

with that rubber Kn*fe.

Ow!

You actually cut me. I'm f*cking bleeding!

Play the game!

What? Is this real?

Why are your nails so long and dirty?

Oh!

Oh, f*ck! Stay away from me

with them doo-doo nails!

Wha?

Where am I?

Oh, my God! What the?

- What's going on?

- Shh!

- Nancy!

- Everything's okay.

You had an incident at the haunted house,

and now you're where you belong,

in a mental institution.

No, no, no! I don't belong here!

Help me out of this straitjacket, Nancy!

Oh, I wish I could, but our hour's up.

Oh, my God, you're creeping me out!

Don't walk backwards!

And, ooh, just a reminder

I'm going to Cape Cod

for the next three weeks

to go antiquing for more toads!

Oh, my God. More toads?

Jessi, you're jealous!

Goodbye!

No! Don't leave me here!

Hello!

Okay, you know what?

Who's ever there, sneaking around,

you should know

that I have a green belt in capoeira.

And if you do come at me,

I will att*ck you until you're totally

just totally dead!

What the?

So many me's.

Oh! Holy Nyong'o!

I'm about to Lupita my pants!

Don't come any closer,

you stupid sack of crap!

Oh, great. Not this B again.

I'm serious, Missy,

you better run

I'm sorry. Was Missy a bad little girl?

Oh, Fudge Judy! I did not see that coming!

You can't be all of us, silly.

There can only be one.

"Matthew's Hell"?

Are you kidding?

This is bad local theater. I'm in heaven!

Please tell me there's gonna be

a chubby devil in a tight leotard

that's smooshing his non-equity balls.

Excuse me, my balls are equity.

And I'm not chubby, I'm prosperous.

Jerome?

From the Season 2 episode "Guy Town"?

Well, I didn't know you were recurring.

Tonight, you can call me Beelzebubbe,

otherwise known as Jew-cifer, or

the Devil Drives a Mazda.

Okay, is this supposed to scare me?

No.

But this is.

Help me, Matthew!

They kidnapped us!

Holy sh*t, Jerome!

What the f*ck is going on here?

Sweetie pie, you must choose:

your family or your boyfriend.

And you can't have both,

like a white couch

and a cat that gets nosebleeds.

Your cat does coke!

Why am I outside?

This isn't regular.

Andrew! Hurry up! We're late for nothing!

Okay, didn't I go into the haunted house?

Just get in the car already!

I can't believe my kid paid 30 bucks

just to chicken out like Al Franken!

No, Dad,

I think I was drugged or something.

Drugged? Who would drug you?

That's a waste of a roofie

Narm! Narm!

Okay, very funny.

What are you doing, like,

a fake heart-att*ck drill?

Dad. Dad!

Dad! Dad!

Ah, I'm not dead.

But you were in a terrible accident,

and your father was k*lled.

Huh? What?

Papa! No!

It gets worse.

You've contracted

that flesh-eating super fungus.

The one from that New York Times article

that I skimmed?

That's the one.

Doctor, am I going to die?

Yes. You die

now!

Oh, wait, I d*ed.

But now I'm on a plane?

Ooh, and I got a window seat.

I'm gonna hold my pee the whole time.

Hey, everybody,

this is Coach Pilot Coach Steve.

- Oh, no.

- And if you look out your window,

spoiler alert, there seems to be

a mechanical bull issue.

Oh, no!

His big butt saved the day!

Please help me!

My entrails are being sucked out

of my sphincty!

Whoa, his chode is being sucked out too!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, no!

Shimmy-shimmy Cocoa Puffs ♪

Land! Hoist my boy toy!

Sick assist, my shady lady.

You two broke freaks again?

I thought I already took out the trash.

We're not trash!

We're Lola

and Jay, you saggy-ass 20-year-old!

Do you know the legend

Of the two children lovers ♪

With a boner for crime? ♪

They live life fast and dangerous ♪

Leaving caution and bodies behind ♪

Satan's flames have the mortal names ♪

Of Lola and Jay ♪

Lola and Jay ♪

Passion's high when the b*ll*ts fly ♪

With Lola and Jay ♪

Lola ♪

And Jay ♪

I've gotta protect myself!

Oh, doo-doo toenails.

f*ck you, clown!

Oh, my God! You're

You!

Your host and future self, Nick Starr.

Coming up next, I m*rder you.

I'm gonna eat your dinner

at dinnertime, Jessi!

I'm gonna have two dinners.

How do you know my name?

We all know you here, Jessi.

And you're never leaving.

And you're never getting dinner.

And the food's actually pretty good here.

No! Get away from me!

I don't belong here!

I don't belong here!

What the f*ck?

How am I now in a swamp?

Ugh! There's so many f*cking mosquitoes!

My life is the worst!

Is it? Is it? Is it?

Oh, God. Oh, sh*t!

Oh, please, no, no! Stop it!

Stop k*lling each other! Please!

Sorry, Missy. There can only be one.

There can only be one!

There can only be one!

I don't like this.

I don't like this at all!

What the?

Help me! Someone, help me!

Oh, no. Now we're nothing.

Am I really nothing?

Wait a minute.

This is kinda like a puzzle.

And a puzzle's just a picture

you haven't met yet.

Space Missy?

Nanshe Missy?

Oh, there I am.

I'm all of these Missys.

All of 'em.

Whoa, Mosaic Missy!

Is it conceited to say

that you're beautiful?

Not if it's true.

Hey! Do you want to practice kissing

on me?

Okay, but don't tell anyone.

Mom! Aiden!

You gotta choose, Matthew,

or they both die.

Tell him you're not gonna be gay anymore!

No, pick me, Matthew.

We'll be so happy together.

Oh, God, I don't know!

I go way back with my mom

but I really like Aiden,

and he has those muscles

that, like, make a V.

Cum gutters?

I didn't want to say that

in front of my mom, but yeah!

Oh, God, my legs!

Mom! Aiden!

You could save me if you just gave up

your sinful gay "lifestyle"!

Wait, wait, wait, you just lost your legs,

and you're still using air quotes?

What is this play exactly?

There go my cum gutters!

Tell your mom you wanna

live your life with pride.

Matthew, I'm your mama. Pick me.

Okay, now they're just severed heads,

and they're still arguing?

It's taking me completely out of it.

But the blood! The screams! The humanity!

Wait a minute.

No one's gonna die,

no matter who I choose.

Not in this deeply flawed play

or in real life.

Thank you, Beelzebubbe.

For a stirring performance?

No, for giving me perspective.

Can I put that on the flyer I force

on people in Times Square?

Ugh. What am I, smoking in bed

like a first-grade teacher?

Oh, sh*t! The room's on fire!

Oh, you gotta be f*cking kidding me!

This Westchester boy can't catch a break!

Okay, I'm gonna jump.

I'm gonna jump Oh!

Ow!

- Gotta get up, gotta get out ♪

- These are fun!

Gotta get home ♪

Before the morning comes ♪

Oh, God,

I shouldn't have f*cked with the Yakuza.

I got what I needed.

- I've gotta run-run, yeah! ♪

- Where am I?

- Gotta get home ♪

- Meep-meep, dumb-ass!

Gotta let the people know

I'm gonna be late ♪

Hey, four-eyes, you wanna screw

like a couple of cock-a-roaches?

Oh, my God. Yes, please, Miss Lyonne.

Oh, no! Oh, sh*t!

I am in a coffin!

I've been buried alive!

Hey, gravediggers!

I'm supposed to be buried dead!

sh*t, what did Missy say?

Just breathe.

Just breathe.

Okay, no matter what I do,

eventually, I'm gonna die.

I can't fight it. All I can do is breathe.

And maybe yoidle my doidle.

Rest in power, Zaide.

Get the f*ck away! Somebody help me!

Hey, somebody help her.

This girl needs help!

There's a crazy talking frog!

Where is there a talking frog?

Frogs aren't supposed to talk.

No, you're the frog.

Oh, I'm a toad, honey.

All we do is talk.

You know what? Let's start over.

I am the Gratitoad,

and I'm just so grateful to meet you.

Yeah, I can't shake your hand.

I'm stuck in a straitjacket, okay?

Everything's f*cked!

You know, when I feel my lily pad sinking

down into the muck, you know what I do?

I think you're gonna tell me.

I try to think about all the things

I'm grateful for.

Makes me feel a little better.

- Um, what are toads grateful for?

- Well, let's see.

I'm grateful that my skin looks like

a rock so my predators can't see me.

Grateful for my predators.

They make me wanna jump higher.

And all that jumping makes my tush

look high and proud.

Yeah, that's a nice butt.

Oh, well, sh**t.

I'm grateful for the compliment.

Now, come on, now. Your turn.

What are you grateful for?

No, I can't.

It makes me feel weird

and embarrassed.

Well, gratitude does take practice.

Like the maracas!

Come on, Jessi. Gratitude, Gratitoad.

What about you? Give it a go.

Okay, um, this is stupid,

but all I can think is that

I'm grateful for Sour Patch Kids.

Sour Patch Kids. Yummy!

Love that chew, love that tang.

I like you. You're a good hang.

It feels nice just to be silly,

doesn't it?

What else you got?

Okay, well, I'm grateful to feel

a little less anxious than I did before.

Yeah, that's the stuff!

And I guess I'm also really grateful

to be back in my old school.

School is cool! Knowledge is power!

Learning with my friends!

Education shower? I don't know.

Oh, I like that, honey.

You've got an attitude of gratitude.

I'm grateful I met you, Gratitoad.

And I'm grateful for your kind words.

Now, you might wanna turn around

'cause I'm about to lay, like, 80 eggs.

Um, I'm grateful for the heads-up.

I'm actually grateful for a lot of things.

Oh, here they come!

I'm gonna turn this swamp into a ball pit!

Ooh!

Why are you trying to k*ll me?

Because you're weak and vulnerable.

And also I'm kind of a psycho.

Something happens to your soul

when you host a game show.

Stay the f*ck back!

I'll do it. I'll k*ll you!

Aw, congratulations, Nick.

Uh, what?

You won the game!

Won? What game? I don't get it.

You protected yourself.

Tell him what he's won, me.

A lifetime supply of getting stabbed

by your future self.

I I thought the game was over.

Oh, the game's never over, Nick.

Not when you're playing

Protect Yourself!

Thanks for watching and remember,

never let anyone get close to you.

I must admit, Jay,

that a life of crime, personally speaking,

has made me ravenous.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, babe, you ever think pancakes

are sexy little beds

- for mice to, like, f*ck on?

- Oh, my God, all the time.

And the butter is obviously their pillows.

Oh, my God! Totally, babe!

- Sexy little pillows they just sleep on?

- Yeah.

We're on the same page. That's nice.

- Totally.

- Yeah.

Totally. Totally.

- Hey, Lola.

- Yes, Jay.

Uh, I I love you.

Aww. Thanks, Jay, you're cool, too.

Is there anything else

you wanna say, like, back to me?

Um

Maybe the boysenberry syrup is their lube?

- Wha what?

- For the mice,

who f*ck on the pancake beds. Doy!

Oh, um, yeah

Sure, yeah.

Um, will you excuse me for a sec?

Um

Suddenly my face is red,

and I'm mad at the world,

and I want it to end.

Okay, I'm gonna order coffee as a joke.

Yeah

Yeah, that's, uh

That's really funny.

It's over!

You're done, b*tches!

What the f*ck happened?

You're all now officially

in Kappa Kappa k*ll.

- K-K-K!

- Okay, we have to get out of here.

Good night, everybody!

Hey, is everybody okay?

What the hell was in that drink?

Did we do ayahuasca at a KKK benefit?

And where's Nick?

Whoa. It looks like he took off already.

Oh, my God, that was so crazy.

Do not ask me about it.

Hey, where the hell

have you been all night?

I just said, I can't tell you.

It was magical and terrifying,

and it changed me forever,

but it's private.

- Okay, fine.

- Andrew, please don't pry.

Huh? No, I really don't care.

Well, then why do I wanna

tell you about it so much, Mr. Andy?

I don't understand this dynamic.

"Good at Bizness."

- Chirp.

- Fathouse.