04x10 - What Are You Gonna Do?

[bunniefuu]

So, I'm in the haunted house,

and there's this creepy clown chasing me,

but then it turns out

the clown is really Nick Starr.

And he's you from the future?

Exactly!

And then "future" me stabbed

"me" me with a Kn*fe!

Wow! Halloween has gotten

so much more exciting!

In my day, we'd just go around

begging people to smell our feet,

hoping they would give us

something good to eat.

It was so real, Duke,

and now I just feel weird.

Hmm, my one thought is

maybe it's because you're a ghost.

A ghost?

Holy sh*t, I'm dead!

My family must be freaking out!

- Oh, God!

- Whose attic are you gonna live in?

'Cause I'm not looking for a roommate.

Mom! Dad!

Everyone, I'd like to make a toast

by warming up some bread

and putting butter on it.

That's a morning joke,

but I do wanna make a toast

to humor.

Hello! Guys!

Can you hear me? Oh, God, no.

- Good morning, family, and God bless.

- What the

Who the f*ck is that?

Very spiffy, Nicky. What's the occasion?

Me going out in public, Diane.

- Wait.

- And I say this

with genuine condescension,

you could all dress a bit better.

Oh, no. Is that Nick Starr?

I think you look like a tiny, precious

Audi salesman.

How about a breakfast hug?

Hard pass. How about

a nice fist bump instead?

So, hold on, am I actually dead?

Not if that creep took over your body.

You must be a lost soul.

A "lost soul"?

A disembodied spirit.

You're not dead, but part of your soul is.

Like Mark Zuckerberg.

Ciao, family. My Uber Select is here.

- Love you, Nicky!

- What am I gonna do?

Yeah, what are you gonna do?

Not now, Rick. I'm a f*cking ghost!

You wanna f*ck a ghost?

Okay, who do I know?

Ooh! How about Casper?

He's cute. He's on TV.

He's got that mattress money.

Uh, cha-ching, baby!

I'm going through changes ♪

I'm going through changes ♪

Oh, in my life ♪

Oh, ooh, ooh! ♪

So, I tell Lola I love her,

and she just says,

"Aw, thanks. You're cool too."

That's bullshit, Jay.

What an icy cold twat.

Yeah, bro!

I can say "I love you" so easy.

I f*cking love you with everything I am:

mind, body and polyurethane foam.

I don't know,

maybe Lola's right not to love me.

Are you insane?

You're a sexy 40-year-old magician

with a ridiculous d*ck!

Hell, yeah!

I'm getting hot just thinking about

your hanging flapper resting on my chin

- Hang on.

- I wanna blow your Greek penis.

- Ooh!

- Oh, Lord! Me too!

I want you to bang me so hard

I get Bell's palsy!

Wow. Okay, I don't know, guys.

I'm kind of in

a relationship right now.

Yeah.

With someone who doesn't even love you.

Exactly! Look, bro, do what you wanna do,

but I'm just gonna bend over

and pick up this penny right now

Damn.

I can feel the breeze hit

my open, dirty ass.

f*ck!

Okay, here we go.

I'm gonna try

this gratitude thing in real life.

That's right. Go get him, little red.

Ugh, but Matthew's gonna think

I'm so corny.

I'll tell you what's corny, me poops.

I had some grilled corn last night.

So good!

- Gift of the Americas.

- Okay, I'll go talk to him.

Hi, Matthew.

Why are you smiling like a clown?

Are they putting Miles Teller to sleep?

I just I know you're having

a tough time at home,

and I wanted you to know

how grateful I am to have you in my life.

And also that you're mean as f*ck,

but not to me,

and I really appreciate that.

Jessi, thank you.

But next time, please communicate

your appreciation through text

and not in person like a lunatic.

You did it!

Rub-a-dub-dub in the gratitude tub.

Ooh, yeah!

Let's have ourselves a bubble bath!

I'm having a blast!

Being grateful

does feel surprisingly good.

Jessi, why don't you use

the Gratitoad on Nick?

Ugh. Why would I be grateful for Nick?

Yeah, he yelled at you in the park

and then tried to french you at a funeral!

That selfish little prick can rot in hell

with my parents.

Yeah, f*ck him.

And my parents!

You know, Maury, I d*ed a million

times last night, and I still feel okay.

I think the breathing thing

is really helping.

Ah, yes, breath is life.

All right, let's continue

with downward-facing d*ck.

In through the nose

…out through the pee hole.

Nick. Oh, chic jacket, mon frère!

Is that a linen blend? Oh, it's to die.

Andrew, my childhood friend.

How is the masturbating?

Very well. It's going very well,

thank you.

Duke, there he is!

Come on! We gotta get you

back inside your body.

Your tiny, weird, pale body.

I mean, the world does seem

brighter today, doesn't it?

That's probably because

there's no ozone layer

and the sun is caramelizing us

like a brûléed grapefruit,

- a treat that every child enjoys.

- Uh, what's that now?

The Earth is hurtling towards

its ultimate destruction.

- What?

- Hashtag brûlée boys. Dab.

Ultimate destruction?

Me, brûléed?

I suddenly can't breathe again.

Oh, Andrew.

Hi, Nick. I'm starting an affinity group

to bring students of all races

and backgrounds together.

Would you like to participate?

By sitting in a room with you

and apologizing for my immense privilege?

Oh, well, I mean, yes,

that could be a part of it,

but I'd say it's really about seeing

other people's points of view, and

- Great. No, I will not attend.

- Oh.

This guy's making me look like

such an assh*le.

That's why we gotta get you back

in your funky little body.

- Okay.

- With your big fat head ♪

And your teeny little weenie ♪

It's a damn shame

You can't f*ck with your head ♪

Ugh, I can't go in there, Maury.

I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

Come on, it's just a casual conversation.

Yeah, with someone who thinks I deserve

to burn in hell.

I think she actually said "bake" in hell.

But don't worry,

I hear it's more of a light sear.

- What?

- Now get in there!

Hey, Mom, can we talk for a second?

I'm busy making dinner, Matthew.

Can't it wait?

Actually, no.

Mom, I know you think being gay

is a choice for me, but it's not.

You're doing great, Matt.

And I love you, but I need to be who I am,

not just at school, but also here at home.

What? What does that mean?

Well, for starters,

it means I have to tell Dad.

No, Matthew, no!

You can't do that!

He is a traditional man.

Do you remember when Aunt Lydia

deep-fried the Thanksgiving turkey?

Yeah.

That's why we don't see

Aunt Lydia anymore.

What? I thought she d*ed of a brain tumor.

Matthew, if you love this family,

please don't say anything to your father.

Oh, Maury. What do I do?

Matthew, step out of the room.

I'm gonna have a word alone

with your mother.

Are you f*cking kidding me, Kim?

You got the best g*dd*mn kid in the game!

So, get the f*ck on board

before you lose him!

- Oh, how'd it go?

- Oh, she didn't hear a word I said.

Oh, yeah!

All right. So, to enter a body,

- you've got to truly let go of yourself.

- Right.

Really try to understand what it's like

to be them for a moment.

- Got it.

- And then,

- you slip right in through their butthole!

- Wait, what?

The poop chute, Nick!

If you wanna be spooky

You gotta go dookie ♪

- Now, get in there!

- Okay!

Ooh, outrageous!

Wait, wait, wait.

Is this Nick Starr's apartment?

Oh, Nick, to what do I owe the pleasure?

Uh, I'm here to take my body back.

Of course, great.

Well, let me show you around, then.

This is my Infinity fridge.

It's filled with carbonated egg whites.

These are all of Lauryn Hill's Grammys.

And this is the room

where I keep all the bugs.

The bugs?

Oh, Jesus!

Oh, that's sweet. They like you.

Ugh! Get them off! Help me!

You got it, buddy.

That's right.

You don't want any part of what's in here.

For I'm loco, ese.

Sponsored by Four Loko, ese.

Give me my body back!

But, Nick, this is who you are,

an emotionally unavailable success junkie

with a two handicap.

Duke, is he right?

Am I destined to be cold and alone?

No. There's still time to change.

You gotta try it again.

Get back in that body!

No, you weren't in there!

It was like American Psycho, but without

the charming references to Phil Collins.

What can I do?

Yeah, what can you

"are you gonna do," baby?

Jesus, Rick! I didn't even say it!

Enough with your stupid catchphrase!

"What are you gonna do?"

I don't sound like that.

I sound cool, like Bill Clinton.

Watch this. "I did not have

'what are you gonna do' with that woman."

You withered piece of sh*t!

You wanna know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna give up.

I'm gonna be a lost soul forever.

Well, then my job here is done.

No, it's not!

Then why am I drinking a piña colada,

homie?

I was totally gonna say it back.

I mean, literally everything inside me

wanted to scream,

"Jay, you're my burly-ass king,

and I love you so hard,

it could make me sh*t,"

but I just couldn't say "I love you."

Oh, gloomy day!

'Tis too painful to see thee weep,

Your Majesty.

Help me, Knights of St. Joseph.

What the hell do I do?

Pray, my queen, why was it so hard

to tell Sir Jay that you love him?

I guess it's because everyone I love

always ends up

leaving me.

But Sir Jay, he's not like the others.

He hath been kind to thee.

Indeed! 'Tis rare to find a knight

who fights for both your honor

and your pleasure.

Also, I, like, came when he fingered me.

Yes. That's what I was alluding to,

Your Majesty.

But, like, what if I put my heart out

on the so-called symbolic limb

and he ditches me?

But, my queen, if you shut thyself off,

you've already sealed thy fate.

You must lower your drawbridge,

emotionally.

Okay. Thank you, Knights of St. Joseph.

You may return to your rounds.

We shall protect thee from all enemies!

Behold! A ghastly creature encroaches.

Is it f*cked up that this turns me on?

Oh, God, Nick's right!

The planet is boiling.

And if the wildfires don't get us,

the w*r over water surely will!

Oh, man, Nick Starr really spun him out

this morning.

And those thin polar bears

aren't gonna be very happy about anything!

Andrew, stop quivering!

I can hear you downstairs!

Dad, I'm just feeling very anxious.

Well, of course you are!

You're a weak boy,

and everybody's against you.

Oh, no.

Andrew, I wish I could help you

feel better.

Wait, maybe I can.

The world is a gorilla cage,

and you're a banana

with peanut butter on its ass!

Ooh! Outrageous!

Whoa, this is crazy.

I'm actually controlling Marty's body.

Dad, are you okay?

You sound exactly like Nick.

That's because I am Nick.

Nick, are you in there?

What the hell's going on?

My evil future self

has taken over my body.

Oh, God! That can happen?

So, I possessed your dad

through his butthole, and I

- What the hell are you talking about?

- Oh, God, I was trying to calm you down,

and now I realize

I'm freaking you out more!

- Yeah, a bit!

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm the worst,

and I'm gonna be like this forever!

Shut the f*ck up!

You're making me more nervous.

- Just let me breathe.

- What do you mean?

f*cking listen!

Inhale for four.

In for four.

There, that's better.

Okay, I'm still a little wobbly,

but it might just be the sheer weight

of your dad's balls.

It feels like I have two paint cans

hanging from my taint.

Hey, wait

Nick, while you're in there,

would you tell me that you're proud of me?

- Oh, this is kinda sad.

- Come on, I

Uh, sure, Andrew, I'm proud of you.

No, damn it, say it like my dad.

Oh, okay, uh

Andrew, you useless sack of nothing.

I'm proud of you!

Oh, thanks, Dad. I'm gonna hit you again.

Nick!

You You can see me?

Andrew, did you just slap me in the face?

I did, twice, and I'm sorry.

Don't you dare apologize!

For the first time ever,

I'm proud of ya, son!

Oh, maybe one day I'll k*ll you.

Okay, Steve. I'll pay you $2

to eat your own underpants.

This is beyond epic.

I should pay you for this. I'm starving!

What's Nick's deal lately?

He's been a really rude dude

with a bad attitude.

Yeah, he's an assh*le.

No, that's not me!

- Shh, shh. Ladies, women, shush.

- What, Andrew?

You're not gonna believe me at first,

but that's not the real Nick.

- What?

- What are you talking about?

He wants us to think he is,

but that's evil future Nick.

The real Nick is floating right next

to us, okay?

Shut up!

There's only one Nick,

and he has always been a selfish jerk!

"Always"? Boy, she really hates me.

Well, I don't believe

that there's only one Nick.

If I learned anything

at the horrority house,

it's that we're made up

of many different parts,

- and we must embrace them all.

- Thank you, Missy.

Yeah, no problem, Nick.

Ah, Nick! Jinkies, he is a ghost!

You can see him too?

Oh, my undies are wrapped around my heart.

Nick, you gotta get back inside

of your body.

It's impossible. I already tried.

But you didn't have us.

Yeah, us!

Missy and Andrew, back together.

In love until we die in each other's arms.

- What?

- What? Nothing. Let's go help Nick.

Ugh, why is Andrew defending Nick?

Because you have bad friends

and you can't count on anyone?

Let's just go home and send

Michael Angelo that very long text

you've been drafting in your notes.

Then we can count the seconds

until he replies.

Oh, God, why hasn't he replied yet?

Hold up!

Let's stay focused on what's important,

all right?

- Now, Nick is a prick!

- Yeah.

And he seems sad and lost,

like something's going on with him.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why are you taking his side?

Hey, now,

let's take a quick hop back here.

Isn't there anything about Nick

that you are grateful for?

Uh, no.

Well, come on.

He did come to help you

in the depression ward.

It sounds like the little fellow was there

when you needed him.

Not lately.

Yeah, ever since I've met him,

he's been, like, really anxious,

and frankly, it freaks me out!

Hold on, all this time,

you've been bothering Nick too?

Not "bothering." Protecting, helping

Maybe you and Nick, y'all got more

in common than you thought, huh?

Yeah, I

No.

Hey, who smashed my car?

Oh, yeah, the Masked Principal!

Ooh, is this when we get to find out

who you are?

No.

Oh, hang on. Are you Katherine Heigl?

Tune in next season to find out.

Here's a hint: I'm Roman Polanski.

- Oh, Andrew.

- Hey, Nick.

A surprise drop-by, how unwelcome.

- Yep, I'm here to hang with my best bud.

- Terrific.

The only thing I like less than surprises

is hanging with my best bud.

Wait, Nick. You see, I know your secret.

What secret?

- That you're about to get a headache.

- Quinaz!

And now DJ has her own kids,

and the house is even fuller! Have mercy.

Sounds cool, Dad.

Come on, tell him.

Tell him how gay you are.

Hey, can I talk to you about something?

Oh, that's usually your mom's

department, isn't it?

Well, yeah, but I'd like to talk to you.

All right. Permission granted, sailor.

Okay, so, um, I wasn't really

at an Interfaith Council meeting.

You weren't?

I was at my friend Aiden's house.

My boyfriend.

Mm-hmm.

Because I'm gay.

And that might mean you're gonna send me

to a conversion camp

or pretend that I d*ed of a brain tumor

or make me watch Wedding Crashers.

Whoa! Hold your horses, son.

- I already knew you were gay.

- You did?

I know who you are, Matthew.

I drove you to tap classes.

Oh, but Mom said not to tell you.

Well, she worries about you,

and she might need more time

to wrap her head around this.

I don't know, I

It's okay, son, we'll figure this out.

Just like the Tanners had to figure out

the bedroom assignments

when Kimmy Gibbler moved in.

I think your dad might be done

with this conversation.

I love that reboot.

Whoa, butt-f*ck party!

I should have knocked.

In the future, you should hang a scrunchie

on the doorknob.

Also, the butt-fuckee needs to be awake.

No, it's for easy access, Duke.

I'm going back in.

Jesus H. Jazz, you're Duke Ellington!

I'm a big fan.

You know, Duke once entered my body

and punched me in the penis.

Not really a brag, but

- What?

- Hey, is Nick Starr waking up?

What the Oh, you again.

Give up, Nick.

You've seen your future,

- and it's me, Nick Starr.

- Maybe he's right.

Don't listen to him, Nick.

Fly into your own butthole

in front of all your friends.

Hello. Oh, I am sorry!

Oh, sh*t!

They doing a butt-f*ck party?

I didn't see a scrunchie on the door.

Jessi, it's cool. That is future Nick,

and his ass is out 'cause we need to get

real Nick and jam him back up there.

Jessi, my female friend.

I'm the real Nick.

Hearing the radio

makes me absolutely boogie!

Okay. I don't know what's going on here,

but I came to give Nick something.

Should I leave it on your butt or

Whoa.

Nick?

You're a ghost.

Technically, a lost soul. But, yeah.

Ooh, how about an introduction,

little red?

- Nick, this is the Gratitoad.

- Oh.

He's got this, like, goofy Southern

drunk-on-moonshine vibe,

but most importantly,

he's really helped me with my anxiety.

Pleasure to meet you, Nick!

Really liking your wisp.

Oh, okay.

Well, nice to meet you, Mr. Toad.

Oh, please, Mr. Toad was my daddy.

He was known for taking wild rides.

I was thinking

maybe he could help you too.

Thank you, Jessi.

Look, I know I've been a d*ck to you,

and I'm I'm really sorry.

Pretty wonderful to have a friend

who knows how to say "The Big S."

I'll tell you that.

Wow, you're right, Gratitoad.

Nick, I'm grateful for your apology.

It means a lot.

Ugh! All this sincerity is making me want

to crap my pants.

In fact, good luck getting in my butt!

Hurry up, Nick!

You don't wanna have to fly through sh*t!

Okay.

Go, go, go!

Ooh! Outrageous!

Oh, God! What the f*ck was that?

I can't do this, I

I gotta calm down.

Okay, just remember, in for four

Why are you fighting this, Nick?

I'm everything you wanna be.

I'm infinitely rich, medium famous,

and I don't answer to anyone but myself.

Well, except for French's Mustard,

with whom I have

a lucrative endorsement deal.

French's Mustard, taste the yellow!

Uch, yuck! I hate yellow mustard.

You'll learn to accept it.

Never!

Tito?

You can't b*at us, Nick!

You'll have to squirt yellow mustard

on everything!

- Ice cream!

- Cereal!

The dogs you'll f*ck!

Your destiny is unavoidable!

Is it? Is it?

No, it isn't.

I like spicy brown mustard

and honey mustard.

I like the salad dressing my mom makes

with Dijon mustard!

I like my mom!

I like my whole family,

and my friends, even Jay.

I'm grateful for all of it!

So you can take your destiny

and go f*ck yourself!

Whoo-hoo!

Grateful for that monologue right there.

And I definitely want that recipe

for that salad dressing.

Shut up! Your positivity makes me sick!

Ow!

I'm gonna k*ll you

once and for all, Nick Birch!

Not if I k*ll you first, Nick Starr.

- So what did you wanna talk about?

- Okay, this is really hard for me,

but I didn't say "I love you" back

because, as history has proven,

it is such that I have been hurt

by putting myself out there. But

Jay, I do love you.

Bull-f*ckin'-sh*t!

If you really felt it,

you would've said it!

Yeah, cutie pie.

You're a day late and a dicking short.

And what a dicking it was!

Jay, what the hell?

Did you f*cking cheat on me

with your exes?

Sorry, babe. You snooze, I cruise.

Oh, yeah,

he cruised right into my sloppy ass.

Let's just say it was a butt-f*ck party!

Oh, it sure was.

Isn't that right, King Finger?

What? I gave him that name!

I knighted him King Finger!

Whatever! It's my finger!

Why did I even come here, Jay?

I knew you'd leave me!

What? Me? You started this!

If you can't say "I love you"

the second I say it to you,

then you don't deserve me at all!

You better watch your back, Jay Bilzerian,

'cause this means w*r!

Bring it on, lady!

You are so f*cked next season!

Oh, I will be f*cked, by my pillows,

who know how to say

"I love you" right away.

And guess what, bitch?

You ain't the home screen

on his phone anymore!

Oh, yeah!

Pillow titties on the home screen!

Cum! I'm going to miss eating their cum.

Oh, my God! Holy f*ck!

Jesus! This doesn't look good.

Ooh, smooth moves, Tito Mosquito.

Stop appreciating me!

- Hey!

- Great throw!

Aww, throw's only as good as the catch,

Nickydoodle.

All right.

Yes, destroy him! Protect yourself!

So, Nick, what are you gonna do?

Yeah, Nick, what are you gonna do, baby?

I'm gonna

go up my butthole again!

Ooh, outrageous!

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Do you hate me?

Are you gonna k*ll me?

Uh, no.

Why not?

I'm such a piece of sh*t.

But you're a part of me.

And I have to embrace you.

Are you getting a boner?

What? No, why would you say that?

I can't help it.

I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable.

Yeah, me too.

Hashtag me too.

Nick, can you hear me? Nick?

- Nick Birch?

- I-It's me. I think I'm okay.

- Oh, thank God!

- All right!

Uh-pa-pa,

that's exactly what Nick Starr would say.

Andrew, shut the f*ck up and untie me.

And that's exactly what the real Nick

would say. Gimme those ropes.

Whew, I'm exhausted.

Hey, you're not so scary

when you're small.

Yeah, a mosquito is actually

pretty manageable.

And they taste delicious.

Mm-mmm!

When those bugs come back, and they will,

you call your old friend the Gratitoad.

But I'm not going anywhere, Jessi.

Oh, my God. Look at you, you're so cute!

Oh, sh*t!

- What happened?

- I don't know.

Whoa! Honey, you shrunk the cat!

Wow, I guess helping Nick

made me feel less depressed.

Ladies, and don't take this weird,

but I'm always grateful

for a little p*ssy.

Hey, man, peace and love,

but I'm kinda the guy who gets to make

those jokes around here.

- You did it, Nick! Ha-ha!

- Yeah, I guess I did.

- I used Andrew's breathing

- I saved the day again.

and Jessi's Gratitoad.

And, Missy,

I embraced all parts of myself.

Oh, that's beautiful!

So, now do you wanna join

my affinity group?

Uh

email me, okay?

I just wanna say, I'm proud of you,

Nick.

Thank you, Connie.

Ahem. You look good.

Thank you. You too.

Oh, I miss you!

Oh, baby, I miss you so much!

But don't worry, I'm in good hands.

Oh, the best hands!

Hey, that's cool, baby!

- Oh, God! Ew!

- What the eff is that?

- Jessi, Missy…

- Ew!

…this is Rick, my hormone monster.

He's a rotting mess,

but he's mine, and I love him.

And besides, baby, I'm your only choice.

So, what are you gonna do?

Hang on, Rick,

you been saying that forever.

What does it even mean?

Well

When the ghosts of fear and failure

Come to haunt you ♪

And the gleaming lights of hope

All fade from view ♪

When the armies of doubt and dread

Are marching in your head ♪

Then the answer, my friend

Is tried and true ♪

Whatcha gonna do? ♪

When a mother leaves her babe

To cry in darkness ♪

And the storm clouds of betrayal

Begin to brew ♪

When the fortune-teller lies

And the faithful hide their eyes ♪

Then the cosmos has but one answer

For you ♪

Whatcha gonna do? ♪

Whatcha gonna do? ♪

When you think that you're da man

'Cause they told you, you da man ♪

And you want to be da man ♪

But it turns out you're not da man ♪

Whatcha gonna do? ♪

Whatcha gonna do? ♪

Whatcha gonna do? ♪

Whatcha gonna do? ♪

- Whatcha gonna do? ♪

- Whatcha gonna do? ♪

- Whatcha gonna do? ♪

- Whatcha gonna do? ♪

- Whatcha gonna do? ♪

- Whatcha gonna do? ♪

- Whatcha gonna do? ♪

- Whatcha gonna do? ♪

- Whatcha gonna do? ♪

- Whatcha gonna do? ♪

- Whatcha gonna do? ♪

- Whatcha gonna do? ♪

Whatcha gonna do?

Fathouse.

"Good at Bizness."

Chirp.