06x07 - Dadda Dia!

[bunniefuu]

[bell tolls]

[enchanting music plays]

[Lola sighs] Heavy sigh.

Life has been oh so lonely

ever since the Knights of St. Joseph,

AKA my pubes, d*ed

by execution

ordered by moi.

-[trumpets sound]

-Hark. Be that fanfare in the distance?

Oh, medieval G.

My pubies are back.

Yes, my lady. We have returned.

And we're not even mad at you

for beheading us in the village square.

Honestly, every other man in my life

has, like, abandoned me,

but you guys, you came back.

[gasps] This calls for a feast.

And not just any feast.

A jubilant feast.

When me and the g*ng

Get together for a celebration ♪

Well, we don't need loser friends

Or fancy decorations ♪

'Cause there's only one way

To quell my party lust ♪

I need savory sludge in a prefab crust ♪

Gimme pepperoni ♪

-Philly steak ♪

-Ham and cheese ♪

Chicken and cheddar ♪

It's a Hot Pocket party, babe

I never wanna leave ♪

Hot party, Hot Pocket party ♪

Gonna snack away

All my stress and strife ♪

-Fill the hole in my tummy ♪

-And the hole in your life ♪

We'll have a Hot Pocket party ♪

Lolapalooza tonight ♪

Hot party, Hot Pocket party ♪

The microwave's a-rockin' ♪

Hear it hum and sing ♪

Gonna pounce like a panther

When I hear that ding ♪

Rip that steamy little morsel

From its paper plate ♪

Gotta shove it in my gullet

'Cause I just can't wait ♪

It's a Hot Pocket ♪

[screams]

[gags] f*ck! My f*cking mouth!

[groans]

I'm going through changes ♪

I'm going through changes ♪

Oh, in my life ♪

Oh, ooh, ooh ♪

Pancakes, eh? That's a girlie breakfast.

Uh, how so?

They're round and soft,

just like you,

you doughy little short-stack f*ck.

Seamus, listen up.

Elliot has something

he'd like to tell you.

Yes. What I'd like to say is,

um, I love you

more than the sun loves the sky.

That's not it, Elliot.

Tell them what we discussed.

Father, this weekend, the boys and I

are gonna help you clean out your house,

so we can sell it.

The hell you are.

We'll use the money to set you up

in a very nice assisted-living community.

An old-age home? f*ck you!

Why do I have to go?

I'm not, like, a What is it?

Like, a mover or whatever they're called.

You have to help

because you got us into this mess.

And you need to move out

because you spit on the carpet,

you scream in your sleep,

for some reason, you bit our mailman.

He knows what he did.

And the stress of having you here

has been so overwhelming,

I can't even eat my favorite meal,

Diane's vag*na.

Oh, Jesus, Dad.

So, that's it, eh?

You're gonna dump me in some morgue

just because your wife says so.

I happen to agree with Diane. Always.

Uh, just grow a vag*na

and eat your own p*ssy, Elliot.

[laughs]

Sorry, not funny.

To say the roof of my mouth

was sloughing off in sheets

would be the understatement

of the century.

The Hot Pocket, my friends,

was simply too hot.

Objection. They're supposed to be hot.

It's right in the name.

-Not that hot.

-Overruled.

Miss Skumpy,

where were your parents

when this horrible injury occurred?

Well, I have no dad,

and my mom is both a groupie

and a workaholic,

so she was on the road as per uzhe.

Her parole officer, Rodney,

rushed me to the mouth hospital.

But let the record show

that Rodney's car absolutely stunk.

That's my bad, Your Honor.

A squirrel passed away in my trunk.

Noted. Miss Skumpy,

your life sounds very lonely.

Would you care to sing about it?

Well, if it, like, pleases the court

[chuckles]

[breathes deeply]

I wake up to a cold, empty condo ♪

Fill the deafening silence ♪

With voices on TV ♪

Take an Uber-X to school ♪

Force a smile and play it cool ♪

But basically, it sucks being me ♪

Mom's postcards

Show a life of grand adventure ♪

Hoobastanking 'round the country

Happy and free ♪

While I'm stuck home alone and sulking ♪

Like a sad Macaulay Culkin ♪

What I'm saying is it sucks ♪

Being me ♪

Your Honor, it sucks hard ♪

Being me ♪

[weeping] I've heard enough.

In the case

of Ugfuglio Skumpy v. Hot Pockets,

the court rules in favor of Miss Skumpy.

[cameras clicking]

[gasps] Holy molten cheese bites.

I'm gonna be a bazillionaire.

Ah.

-Uh, hey, guys.

-Hey there, sweetie.

Namaste a while.

Actually, downward-facing Dad,

I was wondering if maybe you'd take me

to a daddy-daughter dance this weekend?

Ooh, a dance?

There's gonna be someone there

that I'd like you to meet.

Oh, it sounds like a boy. A mother knows.

His name is Elijah.

Well, this Elijah better watch out

'cause Big Papa Cyrus

can get pretty darn tough.

Oh, I love it

when you call yourself Big Papa.

Great. It's this weekend

at the Fountain of Life Church.

-[Monica] Oh!

-What? A church?

But you know how your mother and I

feel about organized religion.

I do, but

Anthropologically, it has done

so much harm in the world.

But this will be fun.

We'll eat pizza and shake our booties.

And I really want you to meet Elijah.

Please?

Well, when you put it like that,

I guess I can only say, "Vinyasireebob."

[chuckles] Aw, Dad,

you're you're my favorite comedian.

Now that I'm rich,

I think I'll get a private plane

so I don't have to ride around

in your stank-ass car anymore, Rodney.

Have you, uh, thought about putting

some money aside for college?

I already graduated

from the School of Hard Knocks.

-And, honey, I was the salutatorian.

-[knocking on door]

OMG, you guys.

It's really her.

Who in the world are you three?

We are

Bros 4 Life! ♪

Uh, come again?

You know, the famous post-9/11 boy band?

-[pop music plays]

Bros 4 Life! ♪

We saw you on TV, sweetie,

serving up that hot, cheesy justice.

And we just knew

you had to be Cookie Skumpy's daughter.

We knew your mom back in the day.

I mean, bad timing with that crow

flying in front of her face.

Oh, I'd recognize

her signature Bumpit anywhere.

That's my mom.

Yep. And ready for an absolute slay?

One of us is literally your dad.

Wait, what? Like, how?

It was a summertime tour some years ago

At the tip top of our game ♪

We were hot young bros

Doin' sold-out shows ♪

-Had money, fans, and fame ♪

-Whoa ♪

And each one of us remembers well

One stand-out devotee ♪

'Cause she was hot and fun ♪

And the only one

Who ever got with us all three ♪

Her name was Cookie Skumpy

She was passionate and wild ♪

And exactly nine months later

She gave birth to a child ♪

So what we're trying to tell ya is ♪

Girl, we got with your mom ♪

When we were

Reckless, horny, and young ♪

Didn't use no condom ♪

Girl, your mom was the b*mb ♪

And you're the baby-daddy baby

Of Bros 4 Life, yeah ♪

Ooh, girl ♪

I was waxing my chest in my hotel room

When a knock came at the door ♪

It was Cookie

In a counterfeit housekeeper suit ♪

-And she pinned me on the floor ♪

-Oh ♪

She snuck on the tour bus in L.A.

Stowed away inside my bunk ♪

By the time we got to San Jose

She was grindin' on my junk ♪

Our manager was a bit concerned

I was coming off a little fey ♪

But your mom was there

For a quick affair ♪

To k*ll the rumors I was gay ♪

Girl, we got with your mom ♪

When we were famous, pretty, and dumb ♪

We used the pull-out method, baby ♪

Girl, your mom was the b*mb ♪

And you're the baby-daddy baby

Of Bros 4 Life, yeah ♪

Bros 4 Life! ♪

-[panting]

-Holy Joe Paternity.

My whole life

I've wondered who my dad could be.

But now I've got dads-a-plenty.

I don't know, Lols.

It's kinda fishy

that these strange individuals

showed up right after the news said

you're gonna be rich. You know?

We must've heard

totally different songs, Rodney,

because I am 100% on board.

Bring it in, Dads.

-You got it, Lola.

-This rocks.

Ooh, you're

a really strong hugger, sweetie.

Oh.

[bell rings]

[sighs] I'm so psyched

your dad's coming to the dance.

I heard last year was nuts.

They had grape soda and orange.

[chuckles] Wow.

I bet someone mixed them together

in the same cup and was like [gurgles]

[laughing]

[Lola] Oh, snap, a daddy-daughter dance?

How apropos

of my recent life developments.

Oh, hey, Missy. How many dads do you have?

-Uh, one?

-[chuckles] Pathetic.

I have three. Get ready

to be brutally upstaged by yours truly.

Ooh, Jessi, you and your dad should come.

"Fountain of Life Church"?

Yeah, there's gonna be

a Christian caricature artist.

He'll draw you up on the cross,

and holding a basketball if you want.

Hold on.

Is this, like, one of those purity balls?

What? No, it's just a dance.

Actually, Missy, there is

a kind of abstinence component.

-There it is.

-What?

The dads take this vow, or whatever,

to protect their daughters' virtue.

-[Missy] Oh.

-Okay, this dance is ridiculous, right?

Yeah, and pointless.

You can't stop kids from f*cking.

Mama, what's "f*cking"?

Okay, Montel. When two creatures

love each other very much,

or find themselves

in the same airport bathroom,

they'll rub together

any gooey parts they got

till everyone feels fantastic.

Well, I feel up to speed.

Great, now let's move on to fisting.

Let's.

So, you're really gonna dump

your old man into a death camp?

Dad, I told Diane we're doing this,

so we're doing it.

Oh, sugar,

I left my moving gloves in my closet.

Nicky, would you be a dear and grab them?

I know my way around your closet,

Dr. Birch. Allow me.

Ho, ho, the cave of wonders.

Shall we snoop?

-Ooh.

-[Maury] Yes.

What is a "Peenie Prison"?

I am scared and aroused,

the chocolate and peanut butter

of feelings.

"The Peenie Prison is a Bluetooth-enabled

male chastity device."

-What?

-Oh, okay.

So you stick

your fat little piggy in there

and lock it away so you can't get hard.

Why would anyone want that?

Oh, Andrew, it can be very erotic

to relinquish control of your schwang

to somebody else.

My submissive d*ck

absolutely lives for that sh*t.

You wanna put on a pair of high heels

and step on me, Daddy?

-Yeah, bitch.

-Andrew, focus.

I mean, clearly, I should try on

my friend's dad's genital t*rture device,

right?

Yeah, just for a second.

Wiping it off

It says the size is "Virginia Slim,"

but you're more of a "Minnesota Meatball."

I think if I just kind of fold it

[grunts]

I'm in. Oh!

-This feels naughty, Maury.

-[device locks]

Oh no, the Peenie Prison's engaged.

You're locked in

with no possibility for parole.

Oh, and why is this sudden panic

making me hard?

-Andrew, sweetie, time to go.

-Oh God.

-What do I do, Maury?

-I think you just gotta do your time, bud.

And that's why we're called Bros 4 Life.

Because we knew we'd always be friends,

but we're also vehemently anti-abortion.

And thank American God

your mom didn't abort you.

Oh, contented sigh.

I love having all three of you as my dad.

-Oh, for realsie-ba-deelsies?

-Of course.

When you three showed up,

it was, like,

the moment my life actually started.

Oh, just like in our song.

Life starts ♪

When your dad finishes ♪

Fetuses should be allowed to drive ♪

Oh my God,

I love that your music has a message.

Ew, Rodney, what are you doing here?

Well, Lols, I ran a background check

on Bros 4 Life and

You what?

I think we should conduct

a proper DNA test.

I don't know if any of these hunks

is your real dad.

Not only is one of them my dad,

as far as I'm concerned, they all are.

Your Majesty,

Sir Rodney only wants the best for you.

Though his leather jacket is fake,

his heart is true.

Enough!

Rodney, it's that moment

in every single girl's life

when she must look

her mother's parole officer in the eye

and say, "I have three dads.

I do not need you anymore."

But, Lola, I

Rodney, sashay away.

[sighs]

My days are filled

With joyless interactions ♪

Just probate clerks

Ex-cons and parolees ♪

Do their check-ins, then they leave ♪

They never stick around

Just to sh**t the breeze ♪

I got nobody ♪

Checking in on me ♪

But I'll be standing

In your hallway, Lola ♪

Until you open the door to your heart ♪

To me ♪

Rodney, no lamenting in the hallway.

[sighs]

My bad, Lols.

Aye, home sweet home.

Sick. I was promised squalor

and squalor was delivered.

[chuckles] Oh God, Andrew, I can hear

your d*ck's pulse from a mile away.

Yeah, assh*le, this t*rture device

is crushing my ample hog.

And my nuts, Maury,

they've taken the top bunk.

Well, maybe there's a toolbox

somewhere in this godforsaken sh*thole.

Oh, good call.

Uh, if you gentlemen will excuse me,

I've got a bathroom emergency.

-Feces style.

-Again?

Well, thanks for the ride home,

Princess p*ssy-whipped.

I'm sorry. What are you doing?

Making myself comfortable,

'cause I'm not going anywhere.

You can't live here anymore.

This place should be condemned.

Now get up.

There's a lot of improvised toilets

to sort through.

You want me to get up,

you're gonna have to make me.

Do it, Dad. Make him.

Yeah, he's like a million years old.

You might actually be able to take him.

No. In this family,

we use our hearts, not our fists.

f*ck your prissy heart.

'Cause I'm not rotting away

in some old folks home.

Now go fetch the sh1tting boy

and get the f*ck outta my house.

[dance music plays]

DJ Pendejo's in the house. God's house.

Pew, pew, pew!

I'm very scared of God.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Foreman-Greenwald.

I've heard a lot about you.

Well, then, pop quiz, hotshot.

What's my favorite color?

Dad.

Clementine. Not orange, but clementine.

Very impressive, young man.

Double doors.

Arriving, scanning,

judging

You're the hottest daughter here by far,

Lola, and I've really been looking.

Also, everyone else's

dad-to-daughter ratio

is like commonplace AF, hunty.

No kidding. I almost feel bad for them.

But if I'm being honest,

all I really feel is amazing

for me.

I got dads, dads, dads ♪

Coming outta my ass ♪

She's got a shitload of papas ♪

That old dad-less loser Lola

Is a thing of the past ♪

Can't nobody stop us ♪

I'm every orphan's wildest dream ♪

Just a-shittin' out pops

Like a soda machine ♪

All you one-dad chumps

Can kiss their six sweet nads ♪

'Cause I got dads ♪

Dads up the wazoo ♪

She got dads ♪

So many more dads than you ♪

So many dads ♪

My mom put out like a whore ♪

That girl got dads ♪

Gave me a family of four ♪

Me and my ♪

[grunting rhythmically]

Dads ♪

[Maury] Here, use these pliers.

Get a good grip

on the Peenie Prison and twist.

Ow! f*ck. It's really on there.

Ooh, maybe loosen it up,

you know, like a pickle jar?

Oh! I felt that one in my guts.

Hey, sh1tting boy,

I'm supposed to fetch you.

-Hey. No. Don't come in here.

-Whoa.

-Nick.

-What the f*ck are you doing?

It's actually

a very charming and relatable story.

Dad, you lock your d*ck up

in a little box that only Mom can open?

Well, not a box exactly.

It's a Bluetooth-enabled device

I wear sometimes

when your mother and I

engage in sensual play.

Oh, this is a new low.

Maybe if your d*ck wasn't locked up,

you'd be able to satisfy your wife.

Hey, you're the reason

I can't satisfy my wife.

It's been six-and-a-half days

since I've feasted upon her essence.

-Ooh.

-Ew, Dad!

I've never even gone two days before.

Not when I had strep throat.

Not when I was

on a business trip in Seattle.

I flew home every 48 hours

to dine upon Diane.

Shut up, shut up, shut up

about Mom's vag*na!

God, my caged cock is quaking.

So, you let the woman

lock up your pathetic little prick, eh?

No wonder she's such a ball-busting hag.

What did you just say?

I said your wife's a bitch.

Diane is God.

Holy sh*t. Dad, you punched Grandpa.

I love you, Dad.

Oh my God. What have I done?

Father, are you okay?

-Well, look at you.

-Here.

William Wallace MacGregor,

welcome home, son.

[chuckles]

-[dance music plays]

-Go, Cyrus. Go, Cyrus. Go, Cyrus, go!

Whoa, I did not see

that no-hands cartwheel coming.

Yeah, that's new.

He's been working on that.

This is the best night

of my already storied

and very fascinating life.

-Us too, sweetie.

-Yeah.

Even if you weren't about to get

a truckload of money from your lawsuit,

we'd still be super psyched

to be your dads.

Well, Dads, that is marvelous news,

because there is no truckload

of money coming.

-What?

-What do you mean?

Well, because I decided

to get my settlement

Pausing for dramatic effect.

in Hot Pockets instead. Yay.

You idiot.

How could you f*ck us over like this?

Bye, Felicia.

Wait, what?

Dads, why are you saying these things?

Because we're not your real dads, stupid.

We just wanted your money.

Yeah, it was gonna pay

for Bros 4 Life's big comeback.

We already bought

queen-size bunk beds for the loft.

But I thought we were a family.

What about that yarn

that you spun through song?

Uh, it was bullshit.

I couldn't have gotten your mom pregnant.

We only did it in the butt,

Christian-style.

Yeah, and I was castrated in high school

so I could

Hit those high notes, baby, yeah ♪

And your mom

only gave me a hand job while I wept.

#BornThisWay.

Wait. Don't go. Please.

Girl, we didn't get with your mom ♪

And our love was just part of the con ♪

Well, I hate that

that's gonna be stuck in my head now.

All right, everybody,

God's boyfriend has an announcement now.

What's up, party people?

I know we're having a blast,

but we're here tonight

for a very special reason.

-Whoop, whoop!

-Sacred vows.

That's right, Richard and Richard.

Time for all the dads in the house

to take the purity pledge.

Do what now?

Dad, please don't make

a big deal out of this.

Dearest daughter, on this day,

in front of God,

-I do solemnly swear

-What? No, no, no, no.

to protect your virginity.

No! Stop it! What are you all doing?

They're just promising God

their daughters won't have S-E-X.

But our daughters aren't helpless objects

that we need to protect

from their own sexuality.

Dad.

They're capable

of making their own choices.

Thank you. Now be quiet.

This is exactly why

I didn't wanna take you to church.

Shout-out to Hozier.

Organized religion

is built around subjugating women.

That's not true.

Christianity's about good works

and community.

Yeah, and loving one another.

You shut your mouth, you little gentleman.

Okay, Dad, you're embarrassing me

in front of my friends.

Well, I don't like Kirk Cameron over here

dragging you into this church nonsense.

Piety? Abstinence? He is a bad influence.

Well, you're a closed-minded elitist.

And I wish I'd never invited you

to this dance.

-[cries]

-Missy, wait.

Hey, Richard, congratulations

on marrying your daughter.

Is she, uh, taking your last name

or can I have it?

-[laughing]

-Oh man, what a day.

You really scrambled my eggs, Willy boy.

Dad, what's wrong with your hand?

I punched my father in the face.

-You did what?

-It was awesome.

Dad f*cking decked him, and then Grandpa

got up and cleaned the house.

Look at that hole,

black as the ace of spades.

Oh my God.

And I've made a decision.

My father's not moving

into assisted living.

He's staying here with us, permanently.

-Wait, hold on, what?

-I've abandoned him once.

[Scottish accent] I won't do it again.

Excuse me, Elliot, that's not

how we make decisions in this house.

-I wasn't finished, Diane.

-Oh.

Now you march

your beautiful body up those stairs,

because g*dd*mn it, it's time to eat.

Well, okay. I mean, if you say so.

Mom, are you serious?

Leah, we'll deal with your father's

upsetting new personality later.

-Um, Mrs. Birch?

-What, Andrew? What the f*ck do you want?

Yeah, I was wondering if you could unlock

your husband's Peenie Prison,

which happens to be on my peenie.

-Oh, Jesus Christ.

-[device unlocks]

Oh! Ooh!

Oh, my weenus can finally breathe.

Get the f*ck out of our house.

Yeah, I know.

Okay, I'll see you at school, Nick.

Missy, uh, there you are.

Let's just go home already, okay?

You've made your stupid point.

Listen, I am sorry

I made a scene in there,

but it feels like you just keep changing

in ways that aren't like you.

No, I'm changing in ways

that aren't like you.

You said girls should be allowed

to make their own choices,

so why doesn't that include me?

Well, I guess

if you wanna serve the community

and spend your time with a polite boy

who will never pressure you

into having sex,

I'm just gonna have

to learn to live with that.

Thanks, Dad.

And if anything,

I'm gonna pressure him, so

I'm sorry, what was that?

[sighs] At least I went for the lump sum.

But sigh.

The heat of this gargantuan Hot Pocket

is the only warmth I deserve.

-[knocking on door]

-Whoever could that be?

More swindlers to re-break

my already very much broken heart?

Hey, Lols. I heard about what happened.

Go ahead. Say, "I told you so."

Lord knows I would.

Nah, nah, I came to say I'm sorry.

You deserve better.

Whatever, Rodney.

Your car deserves to smell better.

b*at it.

As you wish.

Your Highness, don't let him leave.

Sir Rodney is a man of valor.

Your most loyal subject.

Absorbing, deciding,

completing emotional arc.

Rodney, wait.

I've been taking you for Hugh Granted.

What are you saying, Lols?

I'm saying, I'm just a girl,

standing in front

of her mother's parole officer,

asking him to be her chosen father figure.

Oh, Lola, I feel like

I just got my car detailed.

What do we do now, my chosen daughter?

Obviously, we're gonna sing another song,

you bona fide bozo.

Pay attention. Jesus, Rodney.

I got two gay pubes

To comfort me when I'm lonely ♪

And a kindly loser

Desperate to be my dad ♪

And I'm certain every dude I know ♪

Secretly wants to bone me ♪

Compared to mine

Your lives must be totally sad ♪

'Cause I'm f*cking Lola ♪

She's f*cking Lola ♪

I'm a powerhouse dynamo ♪

So f*cking Lola ♪

So f*cking Lola ♪

I'm the breakout star of the show ♪

-She won't ask to be forgiven ♪

-Huh-uh.

We don't expect an apology ♪

No way ♪

I'm just crassly, brashly

Unabashedly me ♪

[chorus] Who's her own biggest fan? ♪

Lola.

[chorus] Who's no one louder than? ♪

Lola.

[chorus]

Who's the chick voiced by a man? ♪

That's me.

-I'm f*cking Lola ♪

-She's f*cking Lola ♪

I'm a champion, I'm a goddess ♪

-I'm f*cking Lola ♪

-So f*cking Lola ♪

I'm the baddest, raddest, hottest ♪

Bow down before your queen ♪

Oh.

[pop music continues]