06x09 - The Parents Aren't Alright

[bunniefuu]

[clanking]

[gasps] Oh my God.

What's that? Is it a robber?

Let's k*ll the m*therf*cker.

Whoa. Okay.

I guess let's interrupt a home invasion.

If the robber's handsome,

I'm gonna kiss him while he's dying.

Ooh, I can't wait to see

this assh*le's skull explode.

Get him, Jessi.

-Dad?

-Jessi.

-What's going on?

-I totally forgot you were here.

Oh, that's cool.

I mean, I thought you were

with your mom this weekend.

-Oh, Greg, let's go.

-Right. Um, Caitlin's water broke.

-Really?

-She's going into labor early.

Oh my God. Wow.

Should I get my coat? Let's go.

Just call your mom to get you, Jelly Bean.

-Oh.

-My God, we're having a baby!

[laughs] They totally forgot you existed.

-Montel.

-What? It's true.

-Yes, but sometimes it's better to lie.

-Huh.

Jessi, your dad still loves you

and remembers you exist.

-Also, your boobs aren't lopsided.

-Um

The bigger one's probably just infected.

Good lie, Montel.

I'm going through changes ♪

I'm going through changes ♪

Oh, in my life ♪

Oh, ooh, ooh ♪

-Whoa, that hair fork you got me

-It's a brush, honey.

Well, whatever it's called,

it really works.

Check it out,

I look like a small-business owner.

You look adorable.

Now let's go. I'm craving

a strawberry poppy seed salad.

Oh no, no, no, Matthew,

I can't go into Panera.

The Sorcerers of the Square Table

banished me.

Oh, come on. Those f*cking losers

don't own this Panera.

-They barely own their own dignity.

-Hello, Jay.

Oh, hello, Todd. You're looking well.

Hey. Hey, Matt, if you had to hook up

with one of these guys,

which one would it be?

Ugh, Maury, I'm not playing that game.

For me, it would be

The Magnificent Gary, no doubt.

I want him to tickle my colon

with that long fingernail.

Ooh, so, uh, Todd, are you guys setting up

for an evening of amazement or something?

[chuckles] Oh, we've been granted

a residency at this Panera.

It's called AbraPanera Night.

Damn, that's a good name.

Ladies and gentlemen.

For our first magical feat

We shall send The Magnificent Gary

to another dimension.

The Bread Bowl Realm.

[adventurous music plays]

-Magic.

-Sex.

And flatbread pizza.

-AbraPanera.

-[applause]

Well, now I'm jealous of Gary,

because he got the hell outta here.

And now we shall return him

to this earthly fast-casual restaurant.

Huh!

Oh no. Oh no! Oh no!

Only his finger

has returned from the Bread Bowl Realm.

Oh sh*t. Gary's trapped between worlds.

Oh, come on, Jay. None of this is real.

And these guys are f*cking losers.

Look, Todd is hyperventilating

into a bread bowl.

Oh.

Well, 99% of his best friend

just disappeared.

Okay, for just a second,

let's say Gary really is gone.

-Who cares?

-But he

Trust me, these guys are sad dorks,

and you're better off without them, babe.

You're right.

I mean,

you were right about the hair fork.

It's still a brush.

So you must be right about the sorcerers.

They're pedophiles.

Oh, Bernie Sanders.

You chewed up our heart

and spat it into the mouth of another man.

But at least my mom is home.

Who cares?

They're fighting more than ever.

The peas are dry.

The peas are peas, Marty.

Make your own damn dinner

if you don't like it.

That's exactly what I was doing

when you went on your little "vacation."

Oh, Daddy, why? Your words, they're bad.

Vacation?!

You went flitting off to your sister's

to eat bonbons,

and you left me at home

with our depraved son.

Well, he is the only reason I'm back.

This is it, Flanny.

They're gonna get divorced, I know it.

I'm gonna be a pitiful baby boy

from a broken home,

selling my ass at gas stations.

Stu, you're still on God's green earth.

Can't you do something?

[groans] I don't know, Flanny.

I've been sharing a roof

with a sex freak all alone, Barbara.

I don't feel safe in my own home.

[sighs]

Broken-home sex-freak gas-station whore.

Oh, that sounds like a Billy Joel lyric.

Look at him, Stu. The boy's in pain.

You've got to get your client

to show one iota of love.

Do you think you can do it?

[groans] Maybe.

That's my guy.

-[Stu gasps]

-Look at you. You're a dynamo.

I don't know, Flanny. He looks pretty,

you know, f*cked up and weak.

I know, but sometimes

it's just better to lie.

That's not great.

Oh, hey, Jelly Bean.

Come meet Delilah.

Oh my God. Delilah.

They're so cute.

They opened me,

and they took a person out.

Oh, Caitlin, are you okay?

My organs were on a table next to me.

She's still a little loopy

from the C-section dr*gs.

But yeah, they did take out her guts,

and I did pass out.

Of course he did.

[in baby voice] Yes, I did.

Daddy fainted and hit his head real hard.

It's really cool to see you so happy, Dad.

Thanks, Jess.

I'm gonna do it right this time.

-Uh

-The f*ck does that mean, Greg?

-[Delilah] Hey, Jessi.

-What?

[Delilah]

Thanks for breaking in Daddy for me.

Was that the baby?

Don't you just love her, Jess?

[Delilah] Yeah, don't you just love me?

Yeah, of course I do.

It would be weird if I was, like,

afraid of a newborn, right? [chuckles]

[Delilah] Oh, I'm not scary, Jessi.

Now take me back to your house forever.

[moans] Mm.

Warm.

Whoa. Ah!

Oh, mama.

This is the gushiest wet dream

I've ever had.

Oh, hold on, Andy.

I'm afraid that is not a wet dream.

Oh, is it blood?

This here is

a classic after-hours piss party.

And not the kind I used to go to

at Tommy Lee's house.

Boy, those were fun.

Oh no. I went pee-pee in my sleepy.

Okay, don't try to make it cute, Andrew.

You're 13. This is very sad.

Oh, but it rhymed.

Wake up, wake up, my sweet little dove ♪

It's time to greet Daddy

With bushels of love ♪

[gasps] Jesus Christ, Dad. What the hell?

It's five in the morning.

That's right, you little sheep fucker.

We're gonna start training today.

We'll twist each other's nipplets

till the sun rises.

-Are you insane?

-No, I'm revitalized.

Ever since I punched

your grandfather in the face,

I've felt so strong and powerful.

Good for you, but I'm going back to sleep.

Have fun squeezing Grandpa's old tits.

Hey. I am not f*cking around, Nicholas.

-f*cking?

-Nicholas?!

You heard your dad.

[in Scottish accent]

Get your doaty ass out of bed.

-What is going on in here?

-The boy's being a right little sh*t.

Elliot, what has gotten into you?

He finally got his testicles back

from the jar you've been keeping them in.

That's right, Diane.

There's a new sheriff in town,

and he is tough on titties. Come on.

Ow! Oh my God, what the f*ck?

Okay, so I'm gonna throw

the pee-pee sheets in this big white box.

-Right.

-And I press all the buttons.

So you can wake up the lady

who lives in there

so that she can wash them.

-Andrew!

-Dad!

Why are you touching an appliance?

-I'm just, uh

-Is that urine?

Oh God, did you wet your bed?

It's never happened before. I don't

Wait, is this a sad thing

or a pervert thing?

What? Me? [chuckles] A pervert?

Don't you try fooling me.

I know all about golden showers,

you sicko.

What is going on out here?

Andrew pissed the bed

and ruined a good set

of bad Costco sheets.

Well, if he's wetting the bed,

it's because of all the stress

you put him under.

Me?! The kid's probably urinating

in his sleep because you left us.

Oh no, Andrew,

they're dragging you into their argument.

It's coming.

Ah, Jesus Christ. Not on the carpet.

-Oh God.

-Oh no.

I'm gonna rub his face in it,

make him learn.

-Marty, stop.

-Nah, you're right.

He'd probably like that.

Wouldn't you, Mr. Peepee?

Oh, I can't stop it.

How do you have more piss to give?

I've never even seen you

take a sip of water.

Uh, there's water in soda.

He needs professional help, Marty.

Nope, no way. Sounds expensive.

[gasps] Come on, Marty.

[gasps] Just try. For Barbara.

Ugh! Fine, all right.

We'll fix your incontinent son.

All right, Stu.

[grunting]

Oh gosh.

Oh, was Stu's brain always visible?

-No, that's new.

-[Stu groaning]

[bell rings]

Oh, I can't wait

to smooch your nummy lips again, Elijah.

Move that kiss two feet south,

and we're off to the races. Mm!

Mm! Ah!

Oh, Elijah. Hi.

Oh, uh, hey, Missy.

It was really fun,

uh, "talking" the other night.

Yeah, I liked the, uh, words part too.

Do you maybe wanna come over

this weekend for vegan pizza?

And, um, I don't know. Dot, dot, dot?

-Oh boy.

-The girl's insatiable.

Dots are suggestive.

Uh, hey, guys. What do I say?

I think you gotta tell her you're asexual.

No. No way. She won't understand.

Why not?

Because people don't get asexuality, Joe.

That's true. Humans can be close-minded.

I'm telling you, Elijah,

sometimes it's better to lie.

[sighs] Okay.

Yeah, pizza would be great.

That's a dot-dot date.

So, after some light wrestling

and a lot of crying,

my dad got the diaper on me,

and here we are.

[yawns]

I don't even have the energy

to make fun of you.

I've been up since five

getting my nipples pinched

by two male members of my family.

Oh, our parents are so f*cked up.

[sleepily] It's honestly a miracle

that we're so well-adjusted.

Anyway, I gotta change my diapey

before homeroom.

This one's a soaker.

I'm sorry, babe.

You said this is called a "canopener"?

Yeah, you don't even

have to use your teeth at all.

-Magic.

-Sex.

And flatbread pizza.

Whoa! I'm so, um not amazed.

Or erect, for that matter.

Jay, we've yet to find

The Magnificent Gary,

so we'd like to offer you his place

in The Square.

Sweet sh*t on a hotplate! Are you serious?

Uh, babe, I can't believe

I even have to say this,

but that offer sucks.

Interesting angle.

You don't wanna be the new Gary.

Gary is just a finger now.

-Well, Jay?

-Uh

Do you want back in?

No, of course, he doesn't.

And you creeps

should not be allowed in the school.

[sighs] Gentlemen, I'm afraid I must pass.

Jay.

For, you see, I am no longer a magician.

I am now a fancy gay boyfriend

who knows about exotic kitchen tools

like canopeners. Heard of it?

Wow, Jay.

I always thought you'd die alone

like the rest of us.

Abra-ca-devastated.

Congratulations, Matthew.

You've done the impossible.

You actually tamed Jay Bilzerian.

What? No, I'm not trying to tame him.

Yeah, he's making me better.

I want to be domesticated.

Ooh. Let's not say domesticated.

I don't wanna do cool things, or be free,

or run nude in the woods

until I lose consciousness for days.

-Uh, Jay, back that up.

-I'm not a wolf anymore, Jessi.

I'm a swan. Dinner party swan.

[imitates swan call]

Oh God, Matthew.

You've made a wolf think

he wants to be a swan.

-It's unnatural.

-[sighs] I know.

Hey, babe, look. I used the canopener.

And I'm thinking

I might heat these lentils up

and pour them into a bowel.

[Matthew] Uh

Oh, hey, Jess. Come hold Delilah.

Oh, that's okay.

My hands

are still covered in school bus, so

-Oh, okay. Here we are.

-[Delilah cries]

Damn, the second you touched

that little sh*t machine, it went crazy.

Connie, could you help, please?

What do I do?

Uh, you could cover its nose

and its mouth at the same time?

[Delilah] It's over for you, bitch.

-What did you say?

-Oh sh*t.

The baby said, "Bitch."

[Delilah] This is my family now,

and I don't want a bitch sister.

Jessi, this baby's the devil.

Here, Dad, just take it.

-What? You don't wanna

-Just take the baby, please.

-But

-Whoa. Are you okay, Jess?

[Delilah] Yeah, Jess, you okay?

You okay with me stealing your family?

I gotta leave. Right now.

[Delilah] f*ck you, Jessi.

You shut the f*ck up, Beelzel-baby.

-The power of Connie compels you.

-[giggles]

Andrew, why don't you

tell the doctor what's wrong?

[clears throat] Well, Your Honor,

I cannot stop pee-peeing in my pants.

-She's not a judge, you idiot.

-Stop yelling at him.

You're gonna make him

urinate himself again.

Andrew, may I ask,

when did this issue start?

Well, things have been tough at home.

-His father makes him very anxious.

-I do not.

His mother abandoning us

is what makes the kid anxious.

g*dd*mn it, Marty.

You never let me speak. That's why I left.

Oh, please. You don't know why you left.

Marty, you seem

to be carrying a lot of anger.

[laughs] You think?

He also has big problems

expressing his feelings.

Unless they're negative.

Also, his nuts.

Andrew, tell her about his nuts,

for they are just too big.

Okay, that's it.

I'm not paying $300 an hour

to hear how I've supposedly wronged

all you people.

See? This is exactly

what I'm talking about.

He is impossible to talk to.

I don't need this.

Please, stay.

This could be our last chance. [coughs]

All right, fine. You win.

I'm gonna do therapy.

-Okay, then.

-Oh, thank God.

Your father is finally going to open up.

Yeah, but do we really wanna see

what's inside?

It's all balls, Andrew.

It's all balls and balls-related material.

Okay. So, when Missy goes to kiss you,

what are you gonna say?

I'm sorry, Missy. I wanna kiss you so bad,

but I ate some mud,

and now I have four canker sores?

It's the perfect lie.

Who would say they ate mud

if they didn't eat mud?

I don't know, guys.

What if you just told her

what's going on with you?

But I have no idea

how to talk to Missy about that.

You just need to tell her

you don't wanna kiss again.

But what if Missy

doesn't wanna date him anymore?

Exactly. And I really like her.

Plus, the girl's

an out-of-control masturbator.

I mean,

you think asexuality's gonna make sense

to someone

who can't stop flicking her own bean?

I don't know what that means.

Yeah, another time.

Elijah, Missy will get it.

You guys get each other.

It's why you're so good together.

Joe's right.

I'm just gonna rip off the Band-Aid

and tell Missy

I'm asexual.

Wait, wait, wait. I got a better idea.

You accuse her of eating a bunch of mud.

It's brilliant.

-You say you can smell it on her breath.

-Gil.

I just feel like there's something there

with the mud.

[Leah] This is spooky.

Dad has never been late for dinner.

Yeah, he's usually here waiting

to welcome us into the dining room,

like a weird butler.

f*ck. I am starving. Let's eat.

You're not gonna give your usual toast?

About how our love nurtures your body

more than food ever could?

No more toasts, Diane.

That was Soft Daddy. I am Hard Daddy now.

Don't love that name.

And Hard Daddy

has a very exciting announcement.

I'm getting back

into professional nipple-twisting.

-What?

-Oh God.

-No.

-Let yer dad speak.

Weekends will be spent traveling

to twisting tournaments as a family.

-Elliot, I

-Diane, I am not finished.

Hard Daddy has the floor.

Stop calling yourself that.

Now I will have nipple friends.

Strange men coming by the house

to grab my breasts.

-Nice.

-And Nicky will be training with me

until he's ready to compete himself.

-What?

-It'll take a while.

The boy's teats are as soft as peaches.

Ow! Mom.

Elliot, this is not how we make decisions

in this house.

We talk about things,

and then decide together.

No. That's not how we'd do it.

We'd talk about things

and then do whatever you wanted,

and then I would eat you out

for upwards of three hours.

But now, everyone in this family

can suck my d*ck.

-[gasps]

-Go ahead, Nick. Suck Dad's d*ck.

I gotta get the f*ck to college.

So, Marty, tell me.

What do you think

the problem is with your marriage?

It's simple. Barbara's changed.

Ever since she decided to go full Jew,

nothing's good enough for her anymore.

And now our son is leaking

like an unplugged mini fridge.

Oh, good, I was hoping

he'd drag me back into it.

That's not true, Marty.

-You're the one who changed first.

-Bull crap.

You think I would've married

this version of you?

You used to be sweet.

-You used to be thoughtful.

-Go to her.

She's someone special.

Oh, it's okay.

It's all right. It's just a fender bender.

[Barbara] You used to surprise me.

Oh, what's this for, Marty?

Because I love ya.

Well, I love you

in those spicy little corduroys.

[Barbara] You even used to woo me.

Mm, Barbara, my egg roll

is ready to be crisped in the oven.

Oh, Marty.

[both moaning]

I can't believe it.

Marty Glouberman was a romantic?

Incredible.

And how did he stuff his giant balls

into those Daisy Dukes?

Or is it David Dukes?

No, no, no, that can't be right.

Thank you for sharing

those beautiful memories, Barbara.

You see, Marty,

love needs to be nurtured to stay alive.

Marty, why did you

stop nurturing our love?

Because we're grownups.

I shouldn't have to woo you anymore.

We're married for Chrissake.

I've made a living. I've been faithful.

I've tolerated your deranged son.

And suddenly, after 20 years,

you decide that what we have

is no good anymore?

No, Marty, you take me for granted.

And I've actually been unhappy

for a very long time.

Since when?

Which season of the show?

Season 3? Season 2?

Since the pilot.

[gasps] The very first episode?

Oh no. My penis is crying again.

-Oh dear.

-Permission to adjourn, Your Honor?

-[Delilah crying]

-Oh.

[Delilah] Jessi.

-Jessi.

-Shh. Please.

[Delilah] You know love is finite, right?

-Stop it.

-[Delilah] And I'm gonna take all of it.

Yum, yum, yum.

-Just stop it, Delilah.

-[crying]

Jess, yelling at the baby

isn't gonna help.

-We've already tried that.

-Ugh, we can't seem to settle her down.

That's because it's a rotten baby.

-Jessi.

-You heard me.

You got a bad baby. Real bad.

I wish it was otherwise,

but it's a shitty baby.

If I were you,

I'd give it to someone you hate.

-Jessi, that's enough. Go to your room.

-[sobs]

[chuckles] Okay.

You're suddenly a dad now?

I am serious, young lady. Go. Right now.

[Delilah] It's all happening, Jessi.

-I'm so adorable and full of potential.

-[sighs]

[Delilah]

I sh*t my pants and they just cheer me on.

Would they cheer for you

if you sh*t your pants, Jessi?

Would they?

No. No, they wouldn't.

[Delilah cackles]

[Nick] Hey, Mom?

Yeah? Oh, hi, Nicky.

Um, what are we gonna do about Hard Daddy?

I don't know if you've noticed,

but he's kind of f*cking terrible.

Yeah, I, uh I have no ideas.

Oh, Rick, this is all my fault.

Now I have a hard daddy and a soft mommy.

And a medium rare hormone monster.

What, like brown on the outside

and pink in the middle?

Oh, looks like someone's seen my butthole.

You show it to me every night

before I go to bed.

It's cute. It's our ritual.

[groaning]

[classical music plays]

[Matthew humming]

-[Jay] Hey, Matthew.

-[gasps]

[imitating swan calls]

Check it out. I'm a swan now too.

No, Jay, you're not supposed to be a swan.

You're a wolf. A good wolf.

Nah, being a wolf sucks.

Let's ballet, b*tches.

[imitates swan call]

Jay, no.

[grunts] Oh sh*t.

I'm sinking. Save me,

swan brothers and sisters.

Pietro. Alessandro.

Not Mr. Feathers.

[squawking]

Are you happy now, Matthew?

[panting]

Maury, Jessi was right.

I've totally domesticated Jay.

Oh, I can't believe I'm saying this, Matt,

but you might need to set

that big, bad, beautiful wolf free.

[groans] But I don't want to.

Well, Mr. Feathers didn't wanna die

but he needed to

so that you might have this revelation.

And we thank Mr. Feathers

for his sacrifice.

[Missy] So

-I have a mouth, and you have a mouth.

-Yeah.

What should we do

with our two mouths that we both have?

Have an honest conversation

about why you don't wanna make out?

Tell a mud-based lie and run?

Why isn't he making a move, Mona?

Do I have Impossible Sausage breath?

Who cares? French the boy.

Get his impossible sausage on your breath.

Yeah, okay.

-Oh, I

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-Did I

-No, it's me.

-I

-I'm sorry.

-Tell her. She'll understand.

-No, she'll dump you. Lie.

What the f*ck is going on,

you two wankers?

-Uh, I ate mud.

-Yeah, yeah. Uh, we both ate mud.

-We ate a bunch of mud out of the ground.

-Ugh.

I'm sorry, Missy. I I gotta go.

Wait, why? Talk to me.

I'm sorry. I just can't.

Oh, Mona.

Elijah obviously thinks

I'm ugly and gross and unkissable.

Oh, to be so horny, but so unlovable.

It's truly Shakespearean, darling.

Things were so much simpler

back when I just had a crush

on Nathan Fillion.

The, uh, Caucasian gentleman

who's the same age as your dad?

Oh, look at you, Nathan,

you magnificent lion of a man.

I bet you never craved someone

who didn't crave you back.

Well, actually, Missy,

you're 100% right.

I haven't known an empty bed since B.F.

-That's Before Firefly.

-Before Firefly?

Yeah, I know.

Oh, Missy, I hate to see you so forlorn.

Would you like me to pull aside

the collar of my shirt

so you can see my bare shoulder?

Yes, please.

Ah!

-There it is, a little bit of Nathan meat.

-Thank you.

Une filet du Fillion.

-So, I was reading the local paper today

-I'm sorry. You were reading?

There's an estate sale

we simply must check out.

Are you in the market

for a French country hutch?

The boy wants to go antiquing, Matt.

You've gotta release him

back into the wild.

I know.

But maybe we should get

a little more info on this hutch first?

-Matt.

-Okay, you're right.

[groans]

-Listen, Jay.

-Matthew, please. Call me Jaynathan.

I can't.

And as much as we like each other,

I'm afraid a wolf and a swan

just aren't meant to be together.

Uh, duh. That's why

I'm changing myself completely.

Right, but you shouldn't have to.

It's not fair.

But I'm having a great time.

You're Liberace. I'm Matt Damon. Groom me.

Jay watched Behind the Candelabra?

Oh God, this is worse than I thought.

Maury, what do I do?

He doesn't want to be free.

[sighs] Sometimes it's better to lie.

Right. [sighs]

The thing is, Jay,

I don't like you anymore.

What? I don't believe you.

You're just doing

what Nicole Kidman did to Ewan McGregor.

Oh, Jesus, he watched Moulin Rouge too?

This is the gayest breakup I've ever seen.

I don't like you.

-That's not true.

-It is.

-I don't like that you f*ck pillows.

-I don't anymore.

-I don't like that you're a wolf.

-I'm not. I'm a swan now, remember?

[imitates swan call]

And most of all,

I don't like that you're a magician.

But that's the thing.

I'm not a magician anymore.

No, you'll always be a magician.

It's in your bones.

So? I'll take out my bones,

and you can wrap me around your neck

like a pashmina.

I'll keep your neck warm.

Oh, g*dd*mn it, Matt.

Put this beautiful boy out of his misery.

Jay, it's over. Now get.

-What?

-You heard me. Go on. Get.

No, please.

Get. Get out of here, you. Get.

Go on, now.

Back into the woods where you belong.

Matthew!

I said get.

[weeping]

[screams]

Devastated wolf!

Devastated swan.

Andrew, I hate to say it,

but I don't think your father

has what it takes to save this marriage.

[groans]

I wish there was something I could do.

But I'm just a helpless boy

in a very wet adult diaper.

Helpless ♪

To control the shitty things

Your parents do ♪

Helpless ♪

To bring back

The gentle dad that you once knew ♪

Helpless ♪

When you realize

You're too hideous to be kissed ♪

Helpless ♪

To revive the love

You never knew you missed ♪

Joy is fleeting, love's a lie ♪

The world is cruel, we're born to die ♪

If only there was something

You could do ♪

But you're so helpless ♪

I wish my dad

could stop being such an assh*le.

I wish I had my parents back.

I wish I was irresistible.

I wish my dad loved me

the way he loves that stupid baby.

I wish I wasn't me.

[howls]

[cries]

[sad music plays]