01x05 - I've Gotta Get Away

[bunniefuu]

[WATER GURGLING]

[MUFFLED MUSIC]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Uh. This was a good idea. You were
right. I just needed a vacation.

- Right?
- Yeah.

- A little holiday?
- Yeah.

Palm Springs, you know,
get away from it all?

Mm-hm.

"Codependent No More".

Doing a little light
reading by the pool?

Yes, I am.

I'm trying to unpack everything
with Steve, now that it's over. Again.

I need to learn how to be on my own,
take care of myself.

Oh, your shoulders are getting pink!

- Let me get that.
- You are codependent.

Right?

- Is it weird that I like it?
- I love that you like it.

You know what I also like?

I like a margarita
by the pool in a plastic cup.

- Oh!
- Yeah.

In fact... Can I get one more?

Okay, well,
codependent reminder to hydrate.

Because it's : in the morning,
and you have to pace yourself.

Yeah. Well, you know what,
this is me pacing myself.

And I wanna be very clear.

Mommy can do whatever she wants.

Oh. Is Mommy calling herself Mommy?

- Mommy is.
- Oh.

Mommy's kids are with the grandmother,
and Mommy ain't got sh*t to do.

Mommy does have some sh*t to do.

- No sh*t.
- [WAYNE] Jen? Judy?

[JEN] Hi, Pastor Wayne.

I'm so happy you could make it
to our Friends of Heaven Grief Retreat.

Grief treat!

I do hope you'll take
the opportunity this weekend

to imbibe some of our
therapeutic workshops.

This weekend could be
a real turning point for you.

I'm so excited.

I'm really looking forward
to taking a look inward.

Kiss-ass!

There are seminars specialized
for all walks of grief.

It's very powerful
when all that trauma comes together.

It should be a really good time.

- [JEN] Yeah.
- [JUDY] Thanks.

I don't think that guy would know
a good time if it f*cked him in...

[SPLASH]

I do think it'd be good for you
to participate a little this weekend.

- [JEN] Oh!
- Lean in.

You know? So you're not
just numbing your pain.

Pain?

There's no pain with this guy.

No, all joy.

Ooh! I think I'm gonna go to...

"Lost Angels: Finding Yourself
After Pregnancy Loss" at noon.

[GASPS] Wait. You could check out
"Window to the Widow."

Okay. No. I came here to escape,
not wallow in my widowhood.

- Hey, ladies.
- [BOTH] Hi.

- Got something for you.
- [JUDY] What?

- Here you go.
- Oh, my God, Yolanda.

- Look at this.
- [JEN GASPS]

- Isn't it great?
- It's great.

And voilà.

[JUDY] Nice.

So, any tips for the weekend?

Well, I always get a lot out
of "Cooking for One with Chef Sue."

That sounds like a goofy class.

Hey, you coming to WTTW?

I have no idea what that is.

- Window to the Wid...
- No.

Window to the Widow.

"This workshop is focused on keeping
the window to the widow's heart

open to the love she shared
with the departed."

- Love is eternal.
- Yeah. Not if the fucker cheated.

Now, that's different.

[JEN] Yeah. It's different.

I swear to God, I think these people
actually get off on their grief.

Well, maybe they're just embracing
where they are.

Well, you know, where I am
is ready to move on.

You know what? There's some
really fun gay bars downtown.

We could go dancing,
get completely ignored.

- [LAUGHS]
- It could be super fun.

Maybe.

But there's also lot of fun stuff
to do here.

Hmm.

I see one fun thing I can do.

[JUDY] Oh, my God, I see that, too.

But according to the brochure,
this is a time of healing

and self-exploration.

Okay. Well, according to my husband,
I was dead and we weren't married.

So that means that somebody
is open for business.

And that somebody's business
is her vag*na.

p*ssy!

I thought you were gonna say "poontang."

- Ew! I would not say that.
- You might say that.

- Really?
- Yeah, poontang.

Hmm. Hmm.

[JUDY] Vegas Chapter.

- Hi.
- He's from Vegas.

- Widow.
- Jeez!

[JUDY] Okay. So my baby seminar

- is in the Desert Winds Ballroom.
- Mm-hm.

- Then I'll meet you after?
- Yeah. Totally.

- Am I okay to leave you?
- Uh-huh.

Judy, I'm not the one
who can't be left alone.

Well, that's true.

Yeah. Oh! Dude from the pool.

- Dude from the pool. Hi!
- What is going on?

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

- Nice shirt.
- Oh!

How embarrassing,
we all wore the same thing.

Yeah. Maybe I should do that to mine.

Yeah, maybe you should.

You're going to The Big Question?

Oh, yeah, no question about it.

- Should I save you a seat?
- Yeah.

Okay. Cool.

- What?
- Holy eye contact that just happened.

Oh, my God, how did you do that?

- This is gonna be really good for you.
- I know.

Don't bring the drink in.

Out of respect for the other grievers,
especially the cute one.

- He's very hot. I'll see you later.
- Oh, my God, super hot.

- I'm taking the...
- He's like a good old-fashion hunk.

Have fun at your baby thing...
Oh, that's not fun, is it?

Excuse me.

Hi. Oh, boy. Oh, boy, boy. You know?

- Go!
- I'm going.

[WAYNE] Welcome to The Big Question.

Actually... there's .

- [JEN] Oh, Jesus.
- [WAYNE] We'll break down questions

that have no easy answer.

Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry.

[WAYNE] Is screaming
into my pillow healthy?

[SIGHS]

Why can't I stop eating?

So, who d*ed and sent you here?

[WAYNE] When will I run out of tears?

Wow!

- Do you say that to all the widowers?
- [LAUGHS]

I might.

Depends on how well our
conversation goes.

[WAYNE] How can I smile?

My wife d*ed.

Sailing accident.

Boats.

[WAYNE] Why do I feel guilty if I laugh?

My husband was in a hit-and-run.

- [WAYNE] How do I think about...
- I'm Jen.

- Jason.
- Oh, hi. Jen.

Jason. Are you...?

You said that already. Huh?

- [WAYNE] Does trauma last forever?
- Are you drunk?

- Could be.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

What? Sorry!

Does trauma last forever? Maybe.

I know him.

- He your pastor?
- Oh, God, no.

[LAUGHS]

Ew!

The road was fraught. It was.

Not just to get pregnant,
but to stay pregnant.

And as much as we wanted
a child to embody

the love that we felt for each other,

the struggle to have a baby
almost tore us apart.

I wonder if any of you experienced that?

I have. Hi, I'm Judy.

Um...

My relationship
didn't survive the struggle.

And it's not that I really wanna
even be with him, exactly, I just...

I don't wanna sit in
these feelings alone.

That was a rhetorical question.

Oh.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Um...

I thought everybody was sharing.

- I'm just gonna keep going.
- Yeah! Thanks.

After IVF, IUI, PGD...

I did all of those.

...our doctor told us that maybe
we were having a run of bad luck.

Bad luck? Luck felt like
such an insufficient word.

And just when it seemed like
our heartbreak would destroy us,

we tried one last time.
And what do you know?

Our luck changed.

- [SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [GASPS] Oh, my God!

- [GROUP COOS]
- [LEADER] Your luck can change, too.

But you need to stop with the self-talk

that says there's something wrong
with you, with your body.

Stop shaming yourself.

Repeat after me.

I am not broken.

[ALL] I am not broken.

Join hands.

Say it again.

Now you can talk. Okay?

I am not broken.

[ALL] I am not broken.

- Say until you believe it.
- [ALL] I am not broken.

I am not broken.

- [LEADER] There we go.
- [ALL] I am not broken.

- [LEADER] Yes.
- [ALL] I am not broken.

I am not broken.

I am not broken.

I am not broken.

Wow. That was a lot to take in.

Yeah. Pastor Wayne has a way of saying
things without saying anything.

- I don't know.
- He just goes on and on

about how you can have your feelings,

but I just think he wants you to
stay sad, like, wallow in it all.

It's good for his business. [LAUGHS]

I actually was in his grief group,
and I didn't get anything out of it.

Hey, Jen.

Hi.

I think you get out of it
what you put into it.

But what do I know?

- Oh, sh*t!
- Busted!

I know, but I wasn't lying.

I actually did get something out of it.

Yeah?

Yeah. Sometimes, it's
nice to know you're

not the only one who
asks dumb questions.

- Right.
- You know?

Well, I'm glad you got
something out of it.

Do you wanna get a drink?

Just... I happen to know that this place
has margaritas

that are mediocre yet very effective.

I can't. I'm sorry.

I already signed up for Man-to-Man Yoga.

Oh, that sounds gay.

Uh. Not in a bad way.

Sorry, just in, like, a...

Are you gay... way?

No. I'm not.

- Oh.
- It's "man-to-man."

Oh, it's not "man-in-man."

- No.
- I heard "man-in-man."

- No.
- That's why I said that.

That's a different class.

- No, man to man.
- Okay.

Men are less flexible,
physically and emotionally.

It's supposed to work both angles.

- Got it.
- But I'll probably see you around.

Maybe at the bar for
Carry-On-Oke or something.

- Yeah. I was planning on going to that.
- Okay.

Whatever the f*ck that is.

[YOLANDA] This is for you, Burt.

I miss you every day, especially today.

Hey.

♪ Don't leave me this way, Burt ♪

- Yolanda?
- Cool!

- ♪ Can't stay alive ♪
- Carry-On-Oke. Get it?

Oh, I do.

- [LAUGHS] Let's get a drink.
- It's clever.

♪ Don't leave me this way, Burt ♪

Do you think she misses Burt?

- I do.
- I can't tell.

[BARTENDER] There you go.

- Here is to moving on.
- Yup.

♪ Don't leave me this way ♪

Ah. Speaking of which, who do you like?

- Look around.
- No.

- No, I'm gonna have one drink...
- What?

...and then I'm gonna go to the room,

and I'm gonna journal, and meditate,
and spend the night with me.

Okay. Go be healthy and boring.

I fully support you
getting laid, though.

- Thank you.
- Hm-mm.

- I don't wanna be like Yolanda.
- Mmm.

- She does sound really good, though.
- God, she does.

Yeah. She's kind of incredible.

♪ Yeah! ♪

Amazing.

♪ Don't you leave me this way ♪

Oh, my God. Okay. He's here. He's here.

♪ I can't survive ♪

Oh, my God. I have tequila face.

- I just got really nervous.
- There's nothing to be nervous about.

No, because I just keep
sticking my foot in my mouth with him.

Just be honest with...
He is looking over here at you.

- He is?
- Yeah.

Does it look like he likes what he sees?

Mm... hm.

- Yeah?
- How could he not?

You are heaven on a stick.

- Thank you.
- You got this.

Okay.

Okay. I got this. Yeah.

I'm gonna go try and f*ck that guy.

- Yeah, you are.
- Okay, yup.

I'm gonna try to f*ck him.

- Go f*ck that guy!
- Okay.

- But be careful.
- Yup. Yup.

Okay.

- Hi.
- Hey, Jen.

Hey.

- How are you?
- Good. How are you?

So good. Yeah.

So good.

Hey, you know, I'm...

I'm sorry if I, like,
offended you earlier today.

It's just sh*t was coming out
of my mouth, and it was like...

- really, like, awkward.
- Oh, no, no, no.

And I was just trying
to make jokes and...

- No, no, no, it's totally fine. Yeah.
- No? Okay.

I think it was my, um... lame attempt
to try and flirt with you.

Uh... but I haven't flirted with anyone
since my husband d*ed.

I think I'm admitting
that 'cause I'm a little drunk.

- Again?
- Still.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

No, I'm so flattered that you
would wanna flirt with me.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You're beautiful.

Do you wanna f*ck?

- What'd you say?
- I said, uh...

do you...

do you... wanna f*ck?

I'm sorry. I can't hear you.

Oh, sorry. I'm...

Would you like to dance?

- Oh, sure. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Because for a second, I thought you
were asking me if I wanted to f*ck.

Ha! [LAUGHS]

♪ I can't survive ♪

♪ Can't stay alive without your love ♪

♪ Don't leave me this way ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ My heart is full of love ♪
♪ And desire for you ♪

♪ So come on down and do ♪
♪ What you gotta do ♪

♪ You started this fire ♪
♪ Down in my soul ♪

♪ Now, can't you see it's burning ♪
♪ Out of control ♪

♪ So come on satisfy... ♪

You're awesome.

- You wanna go to your room? Okay.
- Yes.

♪ Only your good loving ♪
♪ Can set me free ♪

♪ Don't leave me this way, baby ♪

[CHEERING]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

["DRIVE" BY THE CARS PLAYING]

- Can I get the check, please.
- [BARTENDER] Okay.

This is for my best friend who I lost.

♪ Who's gonna tell you when ♪

♪ It's too late? ♪

♪ Who's gonna tell you things ♪

♪ Aren't so great? ♪

♪ You can't go on ♪

♪ Thinking nothing's wrong ♪

- [SHRIEKS]
- [TIRES SCREECH]

♪ Who's gonna drive you home ♪

♪ Tonight? ♪

♪ Who's gonna hold you down ♪

♪ When you shake? ♪

♪ Who's gonna come around ♪

♪ When you break? ♪

♪ Oh, you know you can't go on ♪

♪ Thinking nothing's wrong ♪

♪ Who's gonna drive you home ♪

♪ Tonight? ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

[CHATTER]

Thanks.

♪ Yeah, there's something in the air ♪
♪ I can feel it ♪

You were really good.

I love that song.

Thanks.

It's nice of you to say so.

I think it's really refreshing

that you put yourself
out there like that,

and you wear your heart on your sleeve.

It's refreshing that you
would come and tell me that.

Well, I wasn't planning on
talking to anybody, but then,

I don't know, I just wanted
to tell you that that really moved me.

That really got me.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

And you have such a great beard.

Are you... are you hitting on me?

Do you want me to be hitting on you?

Yeah. I'd like that.

Then that is what I'm doing.

Probably.

[SOFT MOANING]

Take off your shirt.

Oh, yeah.

That's just...

You are in amazing shape.

Hmm. Thanks.

When my wife fell off the boat,
I wasn't strong enough to save her.

Okay.

You know what?

Let's just...
Let's just try not talking, okay?

She reached out for me and I...

I couldn't pull her up.

Okay.

I promised her memory
that I would never be weak again.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

But what does it matter?

[JASON SIGHS DEEPLY]

She's never coming back.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I became obsessed with lifting.

And then my diet.
I live a life of total deprivation.

I deny myself so much.

Yeah.

Have you seen my purse?

I'm sorry.

You should probably go.

Yeah, I know.
That's why I'm looking for my purse.

[KNOCKS]

- Hi.
- Hi.

- How did it go?
- Oh, it didn't.

Can I come in, please?

Uh... I'm kind of hanging out with Nick.

Who's Nick?

- Um...
- I thought you were gonna focus on you.

Oh, I am. But he would
also like to focus on me.

Mm-hm. Got it.

I'm not really prepared, though.

- Prepared how?
- Downstairs. My poontang.

You said "poontang."

I did. I know.

- It's not sexy, right?
- It's a gross word.

- Don't say it in there?
- No.

So what kind of landscape
are we talking?

Oh, it's lush.

Oh.

Just lean in, baby.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Thank you.

- Can I take the room for a minute?
- Mm-hm.

I mean, I probably need
more than a minute.

Okay. I got it.

- Be careful.
- Okay.

Yuck!

[SIGHS]

[MOANING]

Wow.

This is not how I was expecting
the weekend to go.

Me either.

Um...

Okay.

If it's cool, I just...
I'd like to take it slow.

I want you to like me in the morning.

Oh, my God. That's so sweet.

It's not a line. I'm not a player.

You have very healthy boundaries.

- You think it's nerdy?
- No, I think it's sexy.

Okay, but when you say slow,
like, define slow.

We have to define it?

Well, I mean,
do you mean, like, just kissing,

or do you mean, like, everything but?

[NICK INHALES DEEPLY]

Well... my job,

it requires that I be very deliberate,

that I take my time, that I be thorough,

and then I satisfy everyone I serve.

How seriously do you take your job?

Oh!

Natural woman.

You're welcome.

[SQUEALS]

[WAYNE] Nice night, huh?

Oh, Jesus.

You got to stop
sneaking up on me like that.

Sorry. I was just looking
for someplace to be alone.

Just need to unwind a bit.

Yeah. Me too.

- You know what? Why don't I just...?
- No, it's okay.

It's okay.

We can... be alone together.

Do you mind if I smoke?

No.

Mind if I drink?

Look at you.

You mind sharing?

[NICK] You're an artist.

Hmm, not really. I
just paint for myself.

- Did you paint that little girl?
- Yeah.

Then you're an artist.

You don't think they're creepy?

Um... I do.

But they're also beautiful.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

So tell me about your friend.

The one that you dedicated the song to.

- Lucas.
- Yeah. Lucas.

Yeah. Well...

we...

worked together. We were partners.

- I'm sorry.
- Yeah.

I don't know
what it's like to be a widower,

or to lose a kid, but...

I definitely know
what it's like to lose a best friend.

- It sucks.
- Yeah. That would be really hard.

I haven't even been back
to work since he d*ed.

How did it happen?

On duty.

I'm sorry...

what is it that you do?

[JEN] I wanna apologize
for what I said earlier.

I know you think I'm a d*ck.

- Not at all.
- A little.

Maybe a little.

I'm sorry. I...

I know you mean well.

Like, I know you don't take
the work seriously,

or me seriously.

- Look, don't take it personally.
- I don't.

Yeah. I know you use cynicism
as a way to deal with grief.

You're not the first.

No. But I am the best.

Oh, yeah. You've raised the bar.

Ah! It's good to be appreciated.

I do appreciate you.

He was... he was cheating on me.

My husband.

Before he d*ed.

I just found out.

[SIGHS]

I'm so sorry.

Yeah. Me too.

How does knowing that make you feel?

Like I hate him.

That seems right.

[TEARFULLY] I don't want to hate him.

I don't want to feel
any of this sh*t anymore.

Jen...

I know...

I'm supposed to forgive him
because that's the way through, and...

Look, see, I... I listen.

I just don't like to apply it.

[EXHALES]

Maybe you can't forgive him for dying.

- He didn't mean to die.
- Fair.

But you don't know
how your story was gonna end,

and someone just ripped
those pages out of your book.

Right.

Maybe he was gonna
tell you or apologize.

Or leave me.

He did leave you.

[SIGHS DEEPLY] Yeah.

Believe it or not, what I'm hearing...

is that you really loved him.

Yeah.

[SIGHS] Yeah.

Do you have any cigarettes?

No.

Oh, sh**t.

- [HORN BLARES]
- Oh!

[SOBBING]

Oh, my God...

[ZIPPER RASPS]

Hi.

Hi.

Are you okay?

No.

How was your night?

Um, it was... maybe better than yours?

I need to get my sh*t together, Judy.

- Okay.
- For my boys.

Okay.

But there's no escaping it. It's just...

It's, like, wherever you go,
there you are. You know?

Yeah.

Which just... sucks.

I wish you didn't feel like that.

Well, I do.

Because someone ripped my life apart.

I hate that person.

[WATER RUNNING]

[DOOR OPENS]

Hi.

[NICK] Hey.

This is my friend, Jen.

I usually look a little
better than this.

Hello, friend.

- [SNIFFS]
- This is Nick.

Hi, Nick.

He's a cop.

A detective, actually.

You ever solve a hit-and-run?

Yes.