Oh, ho-ho-ho! This is a great idea, jim.
Right? If you watch a video
Of the first half of the super bowl twice,
It's like the bears win.
Hey, give me one of those chips.
Oh, sorry, I just finished 'em.
That was the last bag in the house.
Sorry. I'll go get some more. Get 'em.
There you go.
Thanks, buddy.
Got any pretzels in there?
I don't know. Let me check.
♪♪♪
Hey, what's all this?
Mom said to set the table.
With the good plates?
All right, what's going on? Did I forget something?
Mom's making a feast for a king,
'Cause she says you're our king.
Really?
No, just kidding. What?
It's your anniversary. You forgot.
Oh, crap.
(Laughs) just kidding.
What?!
I don't know what all this is for.
We're going on a sleepover.
These plates are for strangers?
Okay, you didn't see me. I'm not here.
I'll see you next week.
(Cheryl) jim, is that you?
(High-pitched voice) no, it's dana.
I-i lost my baby...
'Cause I'm so stupid...
And I'm so drunk right now...
Oh, here's the baby.
I'm gonna make a car ornament out of her.
(Cheryl) get in here.
(Normal voice) crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap.
Hey. Hey.
Would you grab the candlesticks out of the pantry?
What's going on here, honey?
It's saturday night.
It's our dinner party club.
Dinner... Party... Club?
Uh-huh.
What the hell is a dinner party club?
I told you about this.
Now could you please just decant the wine?
Even if I knew what that word meant, I wouldn't do it.
Now what's going on here? Okay.
It's ten people from the neighborhood.
Once a month we're gonna get together
And have dinner at someone's house.
Cheryl, I do not remember hearing about this.
Well, we talked about it
When we were watching the football game.
Oh, right, right, right.
What football game was that again? Yeah.
Bears and lions.
(Laughs) oh, right. Great game. Uh-huh.
What was the score?
To .
Aha!
You never told me! You lied!
That is crazy. Why would I do that?
Because you know if you had told me, I would have said no,
Which I'm saying right now. No!
It's too late. This is happening. Go upstairs.
Your suit and tie are on the bed. Fine, I'll put my suit on
And then I'm gonna hang myself with the tie.
Come on. I just want to be a part of our neighborhood.
Why? So we can have friends.
Why?
This is crazy.
Why can't you just appreciate what I do for us?
Because you're taking something that I love--dinner--
And ruining it with something I hate--people!
Oh.
There isn't a man in this world
That would appreciate something like this.
Only two hours till dinner party club!
(Laughs)
I hate that you get to leave.
Hey, wait a minute. Listen.
What if I slip you bucks and you got sick?
That way, mom would cancel this shindig.
No way.
We're eating nuggets
And watching "planet of the apes.&Quot;
Dinner party club. This sucks.
I'd like to meet the moron who invented women.
Hello, jim.
Hey, buddy,
The party doesn't start for a couple hours, okay?
And no one sits in my chair.
I'm god.
(Angelic music plays)
You're still in my chair.
Yeah, real comfy, too.
So you wanted to meet me?
Yes. I always have wanted to meet you.
I got a couple of questions for you,
And one is the cubs. A hundred years? Come on, man.
Are the cubs ever gonna win the world series? Sure, they'll win...
Yes! Just not in my lifetime.
Come on. What did I ever do to you?
Well, for one thing, you called me a moron.
(Laughs) come on. When did I do that?
(Door shuts)
Sure would like to meet the moron who invented women.
I'm a handsome, handsome man.
You did a good job there, god.
I gotta tell you, though, jim, I've been listening to you
Complain about women for years, and I'm sick of it.
Oh, come on. What are you gonna do--smite me?
Do you know what "smite" means?
Yeah. Like... Pinch?
No, I'm not here to smite you.
I'm here to give you a chance.
You think you can do a better job with women? Uh, yeah.
Okay, they're all yours.
I hereby grant you my powers to change all of womankind,
Beginning now.
(Scoffs) that's it?
That's your thing? You just snap?
You just remember--
You change one woman, you change 'em all... Forever.
(Laughs) giant boobs on all of 'em.
Bye, daddy.
(Door shuts)
Do-over. I get a do-over.
I get one do-over. Don't I get a do-over?
Hey, jim, what's up?
Oh, I am glad you're here.
God gave me a special assignment
To redesign women any way I want.
Big boobs on all of 'em.
We're talking about all women.
Oh, god. Mom.
All right, let me think, let me think.
Wait a minute.
You just believe what I had to say here about god?
I mean, no questions asked?
Jim, I went with you to minnesota
To catch a magical giant fish.
Where you go, I will follow.
What do you have so far?
Well, I got, uh...
All the bad stuff I'm cutting, like emotions.
Get rid of all those.
Uh, get rid of all the crazy ideas.
Ooh, their pickiness about who they'll sleep with.
Yes. And the talking. Oh...
The talking... (Babbles)
Yeah, we'll get rid of all the talking.
Hey, you know what?
I think it's better if women were more like men.
But still with the boobs, right?
No, I'm gonna get rid of the one thing that does work.
So how do you make your will be known?
Easy, just like this...
Let women be like men.
What's up, losers?
You're not watching the game?
Oh, we forgot it was on.
Losers.
Move over, butt-wipe.
Yeah, let's watch the game.
Hey, bucks says he hits this free throw.
(Whispers) jim, it's like she's a man.
(Whispers) jim, it's like he's an idiot.
(Laughs)
(Normal voice) who wants a beer? What, is that like a cooler?
Cooler than you, butt-wipe.
(Laughs)
Whoo! Do not go into that bathroom.
I just made room for dinner and maybe breakfast tomorrow.
What's up, butt-wipe?
Hey, I'll tell you what's up--
This stupid dinner party club thing
You got planned for tonight. I know, right?
Guess when I agreed to that?
I am such a horse's ass that time of the month.
Ugh, seriously. Wish we could do away with that.
Whew.
Done. Now there will only be three periods--
All of 'em in hockey.
Hey, I'll tell you what we'll do.
When the guests show up,
We give 'em a turkey leg, a beer and a map home.
Oh, cheryl...
I just love you.
Yeah? If you really loved me, you'd take me upstairs
And knock one out before "sportscenter" starts.
You got five minutes.
Knock one out and take a -minute nap.
I know, right?
Get a move on.
Yes!
Make her say my name, buddy.
Whoo!
(Groans)
I'm done.
You know, I don't have a watch,
But I think I just set a new record.
Well, actually, i...
I didn't finish.
Aw.
I'll owe you one.
But in the meantime,
Please accept this lovely parting gift.
(Muffled) aah! (Passes gas)
Dutch oven!
Oh, god! Oh, god!
Whoo!
Okay, in a fair fight--
You versus superman.
Me.
Huh, totally, totally.
A little tougher-- you versus chuck norris.
Still me.
You versus oprah.
I knew it!
Hey.
Jim, guess what?
God's scared of oprah.
Not scared, just respectful.
Hey, you knew this was gonna happen.
You knew I was gonna mess up.
How would I know that, jim? I'm a moron.
Look, I don't wanna fight you, okay?
Smart move. If he can take norris, he can take you.
Look, I just want you
To change women back to the way they were.
So we all agree that I got women right the first time.
I'm outta here. Jim, you take care of yourself.
I won't see you for a long while.
Andy, smoke 'em if you got 'em.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You--you gotta give me one more chance here.
You? What about me? I'm a short-timer.
How does it happen? Am I in the throes of passion?
That depends on how much you like cheesecake.
I do love it so.
Wait a minute. Wait...
You've gotta give me another chance.
I get three wishes or three chances, don't i?
Oh, that's genies and leprechauns.
I don't work that way.
Are you afraid if you give me another sh*t at it,
That I might do a better job than you? Watch your step, son.
I won't hesitate to go old testament on your behind.
Okay, okay, god. I think what jim is trying to say is,
You know, for thousands of years,
Men and women have been at each other's throats.
Yeah, I mean, come on. You gave noah days to build that zoo.
Why can't you give me one more sh*t? I'm still waiting for an idea.
Well... Uh-huh, all right.
Okay.
Hey. We had women being more like men.
Maybe men should be more like women.
That is the stupidest idea I have ever heard.
And besides, I've got a million things to do
Right now before the dinner party,
And I'm gonna have to do it all by myself,
And of course, I got no one to thank me,
And oh, my god, you just changed me into a woman!
God listened to me! I'm so happy!
Aw.
Hello, everybody!
Hi.
Look at you! Oh, mwah, mwah. Mwah, mwah.
You...
You look fabulous. Well...
I would k*ll for that metabolism.
So what do you think, huh?
Oh, yeah. You look great.
You like it? But with the shoes, though?
With the shoes? Shoes are perfect.
Are you sure? 'Cause I got others. No, unh-unh.
Thank you.
What's wrong, andy?
Nothing.
Come on. Something's wrong.
Well, it's just that you told dana how thin she was,
But you didn't say anything about me.
Did you lose weight?
Pounds. Oh!
It's a start.
Yeah, it's very good, very good.
Your risotto smells fantastic.
Hey, just don't make it too salty,
'Cause, you know, when the fergusons served it,
It was--it was a bit much.
(Taps spoon)
Why didn't somebody tell me?
Jim! What are you doing?
I am not serving something that's been served already.
I would rather die.
Okay, okay, let's not panic.
We don't have to have risotto.
We have plenty of rosemary chicken.
Yes, because I cared enough to make two main dishes.
Thank you for noticing.
Well, I appreciate that you made chicken.
It doesn't count if I have to ask you to say it.
Well, just don't dry out that chicken
Like sally dickerson did when she served it.
Oh, yeah.
Sally dickerson?
Sally flippin' dickerson?!
Honey, would you just relax?
Do... Not... Tell... Me...
To... Re... Lax.
I'm just saying we can fix this.
I don't want it fixed!
I just want to be heard!
Jim.
(Crying) I don't believe this. It's ruined. It's all ruined.
I'm going upstairs. I'm going upstairs right now.
Oh, oh!
Jim.
You know how cheryl is, mom.
I mean, she says our marriage doesn't matter,
And she hates me.
(Angelic music playing)
Oh, god, I gotta go.
Tough day, alice?
Yes.
I just don't like this being a woman anymore.
I want to be a man again,
And now my eyes are gonna be all red for the dinner party.
Are you saying you want me to change you back?
Yes. (Sniffles)
Make me the insensitive man that I was--
More so, if you can.
Pull my finger.
Welcome back, jim. Oh.
I know you've had a long day, but... Mm-hmm.
I hope you're ready to admit that men and women are perfect
Just the way I made them. What are you, crazy? Come on.
When--when we're hot, they're cold.
When they're cold, we're hot.
I mean, they think the three stooges are stupid,
And we wish there were four.
I mean, they like foreplay, we like play.
Come on.
It's all part of my plan, jim.
Plan? You know what? I don't think you have a plan.
I think you're just wingin' it, baby.
I mean, come on--
Putting church and football on sunday at the same time?
I mean, you're losing half your audience.
Fine, no more football.
No, no, not the fingers, not the fingers!
Come on, man.
I love seeing you so miserable.
Shut up and give me a kebab.
It's not hot.
It's hotter than you, butt-wipe.
Hmm. Have you had cheryl's shrimp wrapped in bacon?
Mmm, I gotta tell you, I've made a lot of mistakes,
But bacon ain't one of 'em.
What--what are you doing here?
I figure I put you through the wringer today, jim.
Yeah. So to make things square,
How about I guarantee you enjoy the rest of this party?
Look, I don't want you to think that I don't have faith,
Because you did create puppies and rainbows
And push-up bras.
But there is nothing that you can do
To make me enjoy this.
Oh, trust me on this one, jim.
Just relax and enjoy yourself.
Okay.
I'll relax and enjoy myself.
And easy on that shrimp. It's bucks a pound.
Charlie. Hey, jim, good to see ya.
Charlie, what are you doing here?
I didn't know you were invited.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I brought your favorite beer. Gopherhoff?
When you go for beer...
(Both) gopherhoff. (Laughs)
Oh, hey, jim. Oh, hi, mary beth.
Hey, uh, come with me. I want to introduce you to my husband.
I think you two would totally hit it off.
What makes you think that?
Well, he works for the cubs. Oh, heavens. (Laughs)
Hey, everybody. (Laughs)
Oh, great. We're wearing the same thing.
Thanks a lot, jim.
Andy, settle down. Why didn't you call me?
We're not girls anymore. God changed us.
It's still a disaster!
Are you sure you can't stay a little while longer?
(Laughs) all right. Thank you so much for coming.
And, willie, thank you so much for the heimlich.
It came just in time.
Chew your food.
Yes.
Thank you. Thank you for that. Sorry.
Hey, the man of the hour!
Look at you! I'm so glad to see you.
Hey, take my chair. You deserve it.
Oh, thank you, jim.
I haven't been so moved since beyoncé thanked me
For her american music award.
Well, I don't know.
Whatever you did, I don't know what it was,
But it worked, because I had a great time tonight.
I'll tell you exactly what I did--nothing.
What do you mean, nothing? I saw you do the finger thing.
Left hand doesn't count. Right hand throws the thunder.
You know, tonight all I did
Was tell you to relax and enjoy yourself,
And you did.
You lied to me, god. God, you lied to me!
Big deal.
I just inspired you to find a higher truth.
Ooh, that's a good one. I'm gonna use that with cheryl.
Once you got a positive attitude,
Everything got better.
Maybe you oughta try that more often.
You'd find fewer things to get mad about.
You know what? If I needed a sermon, I'd go to church.
I know you like complaining about women,
But I think what makes 'em different
Is what makes them great.
Plus the boobs.
Better than bacon.
(Laughs)
Hey, one more question--
The cubs world series, before I die?
Oh, come on, jim. One miracle at a time.
What the hell got into you tonight?
What do you mean?
Uh, you were charming, you were cheerful.
You didn't fight with anyone.
I mean, you didn't even pass the hat to cover expenses.
Well, honey, you know what? I had a good time.
Well, I did, too.
Thank you.
Oh, don't thank me. Thank the big man upstairs.
Andy's still here?
No. No.
No, no, no, honey. No.
You know what?
I wanna tell you something.
Hmm?
I-i just want you to know that i-i...
I really appreciate everything you do...
Even these stupid little dinner parties.
Aw.
And I was thinking, you know,
For years, people have come up to me
And asked me how I ended up with you.
And I get that,
But I finally figured out why I was so lucky.
The lord works in mysterious ways.
Jim, you're so sweet tonight.
Yeah, well, count on more of that in the future.
Aw.
Hey, do you want to join me tomorrow
For some shoe shopping at the outlet mall?
No, cheryl.
One miracle at a time.
(Laughs)