I thought with cheryl being out of town,
All this housework would be a pain in my backside,
But if you put your mind to it, it's not that bad.
Okay, kyle, we're ready.
Should I be worried?
Of course not. I'll be fine.
All right. Daddy just needs to clean the floor.
And one...
Two...
Three.
Flipping him over.
All right.
All right. Let's see.
Oh, there's a spot there. Andy, you missed it.
All right.
I like being a mop.
Great. Let's get your helmet, and we're gonna do the stairs.
♪♪♪
(Playing closing chords of blues rock tune)
Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
We are smokin', man, smokin'.
We are the best harmonica-keyboard-drum combo
In all the state.
Imagine how good we'd sound if I didn't have
Tony's cymbal stand crammed up my cr*ck.
Come on. You know you like it.
(Plays rimshot) ow!
Come on, jim. There's no room out here anymore.
You said you were gonna do something about this.
I did. I fired john and charlie and made us a trio.
Excuse me.
Can I get by, please?
Gracie, what are you doing? Easy.
I can't find my stupid soccer cleats. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, princess.
Do you really need cleats to sit on the bench? (Laughs)
(Plays rimshot) ow! Stop that!
(Jim) here, here, honey.
Don't do that. Let--let an adult do that.
You shouldn't handle this, honey. Let me get it.
Let me get it. Is it up there? That one.
All right. Come on over here, andy.
Give me a boost. Oh, fine.
(Voice straining) that's it. There, you see, gracie?
All you need's... A little... Finesse.
Oh, you know what? I think I left them in the car.
(Grunting)
Bunch of crap!
Aah.
Get me out of here.
It's all baby stuff.
Oh, except for this cool gas mask.
That is your sister's breast pump.
Can I have it?
I don't know why I'm keeping all this stuff.
I'm never gonna use it again.
I should just get rid of it.
Yeah, good luck with that. Cheryl's so sentimental--
Keeps everything the kids ever touched.
Ha! What's this, huh?
First piece of beef jerky they ever had?
I think it's the kids' umbilical cords.
(Spits)
This is ridiculous.
Cheryl's been in florida all these months.
I should just clean house. No time like the present.
You know what? Every man needs a space of his own,
And I'm gonna claim this garage as my own. Now you're talkin'.
Yeah, I've been wanting to get rid of this stuff for years.
It's high time I stood up and did it behind her back
Like a real man. Tell it, brother.
(Man) yeah, man. Although, uh, tell her while I'm not here,
'Cause cheryl's gonna go nuts.
Maybe. It's a lot easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.
Hey, that sounds like a song. It kinda does.
That kinda does sound like a song.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Permission...
What--what rhymes with permission? Nocturnal emission.
Oh, baby. This is gonna write itself.
Oh, yeah.
One, two, three, four.
(Playing blues funk)
Thanks for the donation.
Yeah, no problem.
Boy, your wife is one understanding lady
To let you get rid of all this stuff.
Letting me?
Do you see what this belt is holding up?
The pants in this family, all right?
I decide what I get rid of and what I keep.
She's out of town, right? Yeah.
Well, I have to fill out this form for the mission,
So you can write this off for your taxes.
Now, uh, what would you estimate to be
The value of these child pajamas? Oh, well, I don't really have any receipts.
Oh, it's okay, sir. We're on the honor system here.
That's my favorite system.
Yeah, I'd say about, oh... , Bucks.
Oh, for everything?
No. For the pajamas.
Oh. Well, uh, what about the, uh, changing table?
Oh, that's about , bucks.
And the high chair? Well, that's, uh, actually about $ , ,
But you know what? This is charity.
Just put down $ , .
Hey, baby.
Daddy, what are you doing?
Oh, honey, I'm here helping the poor children of africa.
Actually this is for the homeless.
For the hobos. What's up?
That blanket that grandma knitted me was out here.
Did you give it away? No. No. Are you silly? Come on.
I put it up in your bedroom.
One knitted blanket, , bucks.
You know, sir, I'm starting to think
That you're taking advantage of the system.
And I'm starting to think
You're sticking your nose where it shouldn't be.
Here. You like beef jerky?
Thank you.
You take care of those hobos.
(Singsong voice) hobo.
All hooked up. You ready?
(Normal voice) andy, I have been waiting for this
My whole life.
(Air whooshing)
Then may I welcome you to the grand opening
Of captain jim and first mate andy's
&Quot;forgiveness is easier than permission"
Tropical smoking lounge, refuge and bingo parlor,
Sponsored by the good people at gopherhoff brewing company.
'Cause when you go for beer...
(Both) gopherhoff.
(Both laugh)
Cool.
(Machine stops pumping)
Wow! Ha ha ha! Look at all this.
What's bozo the clown for?
Oh, I forgot to say, "fitness center.&Quot;
(Grunts)
Oh.
Whew, I'm b*at. Who's up for a gopherhoff?
Oh, I have a couple gopherhoffs right here, sir.
(Laughing)
Ahh.
You know, andy, this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Once the girls are off to college
And kyle's learning how to drive a forklift,
It's gonna be like this all the time.
Don't get me wrong, andy. I mean, I love the kids,
But in ten years' time, it's gonna be sweet.
It'll just be me, cheryl and plenty of elbow room.
What about me?
Please. In ten years, you'll be an urn on my mantle.
An inflatable urn?
Sure. Sweet.
(Kyle) dad, mom's on the computer for you!
Well, all right. I gotta go.
I'll be back in a second. (Laughs)
(Imitates whip cracking)
Aah.
(Sighs)
(Air whooshing)
(Squeaking)
Oh. Hello.
Marcy, is it?
May I welcome you to captain andy's love shack?
What's the capital of... Vermont?
Syrup city. Give me another one.
Honey, is daddy coming soon?
Hey, son, I got it.
Bye, mom.
Ah, there you are, my young love.
Has kyle been to school once since I've been gone?
Look, I drop him off every day.
What he does after that is between him and the state.
I miss you, baby.
Aw, I miss you, too,
And I have a surprise for you.
Ooh. Hot.
(Laughs)
Is it as good as the one you gave me
In the airplane bathroom?
Actually, they're related.
Oh. Good. Good. Good.
I'm pregnant.
What's that?
Jim, I'm pregnant.
With a baby?
You're pregnant.
Yeah.
Are you sure?
Pretty sure.
You pee on a stick?
About a dozen of 'em.
You know, I got a doctor's appointment tomorrow
Just to be sure, but trust me, I'm pregnant.
Wow.
So, um... How do you feel about that?
What? What, are you kidding me?
A fourth kid? How do I feel? Ha!
How do you feel?
Um, surprised,
But, um... So, so excited.
I mean, honestly, i-i-i'm overjoyed.
(Laughs)
Ha! Overjoyed? Yes.
That's the word I've been looking for. Oh.
Overjoyed!
Uh-huh.
Honey, wh-where did you go? Are you okay?
(Exhales deeply)
What's that?
Are you okay?
I'm fine.
I was just experiencing my joy.
Oh. Are you sure you're happy about this?
(Scoffs) come on.
(Chuckles)
I'm overjoyed.
I-i just have one question, honey.
Are you sure I'm the father?
Oh, jim. No, no, no. No, no, no, because--
Because if you happen to have an affair
With some really rich guy,
I'm sure we could work that out.
I mean, provided that he fulfill
His financial obligation to the child.
Honey, look, i-i know this is gonna be
A financial strain for us,
But we're gonna save a lot of money 'cause we have
All that baby stuff in the garage.
(Grunting)
Jim?
Yes?
Maybe we should get some new stuff
For this kid, huh?
Oh, no, honey. Why?
I mean, we used the stuff for all three kids.
You know, sometimes I go out
In the garage just to look at it.
Heh, me, too.
Get ready for another surprise.
Oh, my dear god.
Don't tell me the real father doesn't have any money.
Oh. (Laughs) no.
Dana's coming to take care of mom,
So I'm flying home tomorrow
To look at the baby stuff and start getting ready.
Great.
Yes!
Well, I hope to god we don't get robbed tonight.
Oh, I'm so excited-- another baby.
You think this one will like me?
No.
All right. Let's get our stuff
And get the hell out of here before cheryl gets home. Wait.
I thought it was easier to ask forgiveness than permission.
Yeah, well, with a sentimental pregnant woman,
There is no forgiveness. There's only screaming,
Mood swings and boobs you can't touch.
Sounds like every date I've ever been on.
Yeah.
Hey, phil! Ha ha ha.
How you doing?
I'm doing well. How are you doing?
Never been better.
Ha ha ha ha.
Hey, I'm gonna need that stuff back.
Oh, you mean the baby stuff you donated to the needy?
Yep. Turns out, I'm the needy one.
Uh, I got the receipt you gave me right here.
I don't recall you saying anything about no take backs,
So I think that's legal-- square.
Well, the only way to get your stuff back is to buy it. What?
Hey, phil. How much for this squirt g*n? A nickel.
Sweet. That's cheap.
We're a thrift store. Everything is cheap.
Okay, fine. Uh, then, uh...
How much for this crib here?
$ , .
What?!
That's what you said it was worth.
In fact, you said all of your stuff was worth, uh...
$ , .
You guys are crooks!
Hey, phil, I'll give you bucks for this dining table.
Sold, and thank you for helping the homeless.
All right. I get it.
I get it, phil.
You're trying to teach me a lesson here, aren't ya?
I'll tell you what.
You and I both know this is all worth maybe bucks.
I'll give you $ . What does that get me?
About , squirt g*ns.
Come on, man.
Let me guess-- the wife is back in town.
On her way.
Gee, that's tough, tough.
Well, I'll tell you what I might be able to do.
What would happen if I rented your stuff
Back to you for the weekend?
That would be great. How much?
$ , . $ , . Yeah.
(Clattering, crash)
(Groaning)
Ooh, man.
Whew.
(Grunts)
So what did I tell ya? No problem, huh?
Damn it. I paid bucks for this piece of crap table.
Average size guys fall feet on top of it,
And it collapses?
Yeah. Where's the craftsmanship, right?
Hey, how do you know if you have a concussion?
How many fingers do I have up?
Thursday.
You know, when my life calms down a little bit,
I'll take you to the emergency room.
You're a good friend, bob.
All right. Let's grab my stuff, let's put it in this crib,
And let's wheel it out that door.
Oh, I think this door's locked.
Well, unlock it. Uh, I can't. It's dead-bolted.
Well, how the hell are we supposed to get outta here? (Exhales deeply)
Listen, why don't you run into it with your head?
What? I already got a concussion falling through the roof.
We didn't fall through a roof.
Okay. I'll try it.
What the hell are you two doing in here?
Phil! Phil, you're finally here.
Y-you left so quickly, you locked us in.
Why don't you guys save it for the cops, okay?
(Dialing telephone) phil, phil, phil. Wait a minute. Let me explain, all right?
Look, w-when I gave you all this stuff,
I-i didn't think I'd ever use it again,
Because I thought I was done having kids,
But I heard today that my wife is pregnant with a fourth child.
How cool is that? I'm gonna be a dad again.
Well, congratulations.
Judges love new fathers who rob charities.
You didn't hear me. Four kids.
Phil, four kids. That's-- that's four sets of braces,
Three college educations and one decent forklift school.
Look, pal--
Come on. You're not gettin' this.
I'm a dad. I'm gonna have four kids.
I'm overjoyed...
And overwhelmed...
And a bit overstressed.
And a little overweight.
Sorry, brian.
All right, look.
Some folks around here want to expand the shelter,
And, um, it said on your donation form
That you're a contractor? Yes.
So if you do the construction as a donation to the mission,
We'll let things slide.
And I'll get all my stuff back?
Sure. Uh, but you have to repair the roof.
Whoa. How'd that happen?
All right, deal. Now this is a charity,
So I can write off the cost of the job.
Absolutely.
Great...
'Cause this job's gonna run about , bucks.
I wanna show mom my new dress.
I wanna show her my soccer trophy.
I wanna show her my new toy forklift.
Uh, bad news, cheryl.
He's not good at the forklift, either.
(Laughs)
Honey, you unpacked all the baby furniture.
Mm-hmm.
I took it right out of the garage
And brought it right here.
Yeah, it is... Ancient.
No. No. It's classic.
Well...
I mean, look at this.
Remember when kyle chipped his tooth right there... (Laughs)
And ruby banged her head right here... Oh.
And gracie broke her nose right here? Ah.
Yeah, we should get some padding on this.
Yeah, we should.
Is that our stroller?
Yes! Remember I got that special compartment
Right here...
For all that cold beer I had to get through security
At the game and at the mall? And at the church.
Yeah. Yeah.
There's some old memories here, isn't there?
I forgot how much I liked all this stuff.
Aw, you're really excited about this.
Overjoyed.
That's great. Um, honey, i-i wanted to wait
Till we were alone to tell you this.
Yeah. What?
I went to the doctor this morning... Right, right, right.
And it's twins.
What's that?
Twins.
Babies?
Yes, jim, twin babies.
How could that be? We only had sex once.
Look, honey, i-i-i know this is a lot to process.
No. No. No, I'm fine.
Yeah?
Yeah. No problem at all.
(Exhales deeply)
(Belches)
Five. Yeah.
Five kids?
Yeah. Do you think we're ready for this?
No.
No?
No, honey, we are not ready. We are not ready for this...
Oh.
But we'll get there.
(Sighs)
We'll get there.
(Chuckles)
(Sighs)
Wow. Twins.
I know. Yep.
I can do twins.
Yeah.
Sure, it's, uh...
Twice the amount of diapers, twice the amount of feeding,
And your boobs get twice as big.
They will,
And you are four times as forbidden to touch them.
Ugh. Damn.
(Laughs) you know, it also means twice the love.
Yeah. Twice the laughter...
Yeah.
(Sighs) twice the amount of teeth marks.
Yeah. You know, um,
I was thinking about that... Uh-oh.
And I think you're right. Ooh. I love it when I'm right.
Well, a-a new baby needs new stuff. Yeah, I hate being right.
And you know what?
We are gonna need two of everything.
Yeah, I hate being twice as right.
You know what, honey? You don't have to worry,
'Cause we give all this to charity,
And we get a tax write-off.
Yeah, I mean, how much do you think all this is worth? Off the top of my head?
Uh-huh.
, Bucks.
Oh.
(Exhales deeply)
You okay with spending that kind of money?
No.
I'm not.
But I will be.
Good...
'Cause I already bought everything online.
(Inhales deeply)
You know, i-i just figured
It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission.
Well, that's a song.
(Laughs)
(Sighs) oh, cheryl.
Yeah.
I love you so much.
Oh, I love you, too.
So if we do it right now,
There's no chance we'd have triplets, right?
(Mouths word)
Good, 'cause I'm gonna get drunk...
(Laughs)
And drag you up to that room.