I'm thirsty. Would you loan me a beer? Shh!
(Whispers) oh, right.
If the beers know we're coming, they'll try to hide.
(Lowered voice) no, I just want to have a beer
Before the screaming starts. What screaming?
Cheryl's resting upstairs,
And you know how she gets crazy every pregnancy?
Well, it's double this time because she's having twins.
Plus those hormones go nuts when you're older.
Don't say that word in this house.
Which word-- "hormones" or "older"?
Don't do that.
Be quiet. You know cheryl.
During every pregnancy there's one point
Where she goes over to the dark side.
She's right on the edge,
And I don't want her to go over it.
Well done.
Bottoms up.
(Clinks loudly) oh, andy, damn it!
(Cheryl) what are you monkeys doing down there?!
Are you with your whores?!
(Normal voice) no, baby!
Don't you "no, baby" me! Get up here!
Wow, she has great hearing for an older woman.
♪♪♪
(Sobbing)
Hello, my young, skinny bride.
My life is over.
Oh, come on, honey. Don't be silly.
You got so much in life to look forward to. No.
For example, isn't it time to start making dinner?
I'm not going anywhere. I saw the doctor today.
And?
No, the twins are fine.
As a precautionary measure,
He wants to put me on bed rest.
All night?
Until the babies are born.
Does this have to start before dinner?
Oh, jim.
I-i--it's a lot to absorb here.
Give me a minute.
(Sighs)
I mean, it's gonna be really hard on me.
What about me?
Well, won't you be lying down?
It's not funny!
I have been away from my family for months.
Giving my mom sponge baths
Because--boo-hoo-- she broke her hip.
And then you...
Honey... Honey...
You did your filthy business on me on an airplane
And got me all knocked up... Honey, honey...
While you bring your whores around and forget all about me!
Honey, come on!
Easy, baby, easy.
It's not gonna be that bad.
Honest.
Look, while you were in florida taking care of your mom,
I took care of the house, right?
Yeah. I will continue to do so.
All right?
All I want you to do is relax
And concentrate on making these babies beautiful.
What about gracie's party?
Her birthday party?
Yes! I reserved the cotillion room
At the national girl doll store.
Not a problem.
Is cotillion more than a billion?
Oh! All right, come on.
(Sighs) national girl dolls have only been
Your daughter's favorite thing for the last two years.
Perhaps you remember a few dinners
With a little doll named constance higgenbottom?
Oh, that quiet girl who didn't talk?
Yeah, I liked her.
She was polite and let me take food off her plate.
(Scoffs) the cotillion room is a very big deal. All right.
We've been on the waiting list for over a year.
And now I'm gonna have to cancel,
And it's gonna break little gracie's heart.
Honey, please.
We're not gonna cancel.
I will handle it.
Oh, yeah, right.
It's ten little girls and their dolls having high tea.
Not a problem.
I'll handle it.
Do you mean it?
Yes, I do.
Then I love you.
Do you?
Because I've been thinking that maybe there's an upside
To you being in bed all the time.
Actually, honey, I talked to my o.b.
He said I can't have sex till after the babies are born.
Wow.
Did you talk to the ear, nose, throat guy?
(Lowered voice) all right, we're gonna go in there,
Give your mother lunch,
And then we're gonna go to the party.
Remember, that's not your mother in there.
That's the hormones.
So don't get too close...
And don't look her in the eye.
So--so it's like the monkeys at the zoo.
Except for we don't have glass to protect us here.
Daddy, I'm scared.
If she says anything, just say, "yes, mommy.&Quot;
Yes, mommy.
To mommy, kyle.
(Gasps) hello!
Hi.
How are my little darlings?
Yes, mommy.
There's my birthday girl. Come here, gracie.
It's okay, honey.
Okay, dad.
Honey, I made you and your sister tea cozies
For your party.
(Sobbing) oh, I can't believe
My little girl is gonna turn , and I won't even be there.
I'm the worst mommy in the world, aren't i?
Yes, mo--
(Crying)
Um, thank you for the tea cozies, mommy.
Oh, and it matches my doll's dress.
(Gasps) you noticed!
Where's my cozies?
Uh, well, uh, you're not gonna get a cozy,
Because you get a big surprise.
You get to stay home with mommy all day long!
What the crap?!
(Indistinct conversations)
(Bell ringing)
National girls, attention, please.
Order. Order!
Mrs. Whitney, can I help?
All right, zip it and park it!
It's all your, toots.
Thank you.
And welcome.
And a special welcome to the birthday girl--gracie.
(Girls cheering)
Girls, please! Screaming is neither fetching nor winsome.
We use indoor voices, or no one gets crumpets.
(Cheering softly)
I must have her.
We begin with the national girl pledge,
Traditionally read by the mother of the birthday girl.
But due to her being--
Knocked up?
As I was saying,
Since the mother isn't here,
Perhaps the father would like to read.
(Girls cheer)
(Bell rings)
&Quot;i, as a national girl... Of america...
&Quot;pledge to proudly and lovingly care
&Quot;for my doll... And myself.
&Quot;my outfit will always be clean,
And my hair will always be braided.&Quot;
(Girls laugh)
Zip it!
&Quot;and I promise to always be a good girl,
&Quot;a great girl...
A national girl.&Quot;
(Laughing)
Shh.
Can I help you?
You're the ugliest lady I've ever seen.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Boo!
Go on!
Scat!
Her name is priscilla everson feeney.
Today her hair is braided in a double flip twist.
Yeah.
Born into the merchant class,
Priscilla came over on the "mayflower,"
And after a stormy -month courtship,
Married an apothecary.
Those apothecaries got all the tail.
How long do you think it would take
To b*at me unconscious with one of these dolls?
Gracie, it's your turn.
I'll be back later with cake.
Make her say "cake" again.
I'm sorry, uh, what is that you're bringing back?
(Enunciating) cake.
(Jim) here she is. Here she is.
(Flat voice) this is constance higgenbottom.
She does stuff. I lost her once.
We found her behind the fridge. The end.
What the...
Excuse me.
Hey.
Having a good time?
No. This party's stupid.
You wish you were here with your mommy.
No. I wish I wasn't here.
What? What are you talking about?
I thought this is what you wanted.
Yeah, a year ago. I was a kid then.
Well, why didn't you say somethin'?
Mom was so excited about this,
And you said we shouldn't upset her.
(Sighs) crap.
There's a lesson in this.
This is what happens
When you think of other people before yourself.
I guess I just wanted to make sure
Mommy got the party she wanted.
Ah, you're a sweet kid.
You get that from me, you know.
But I'm gonna look like her, right?
Well, let's hope so.
Hey, you know what?
Why don't we give your mother
The tea party that she wanted for you?
Here. Pick up that teacup.
Okay, smile.
(Shutter clicks)
There. Look at that.
There's a tea party.
Now let's throw the party that you wanted.
What do you want to do? We can do anything.
Can we go play laser tag or paintball?
We can do anything you want at a place
We've already put a deposit down on, like here.
There's nothing here but stupid dolls.
You see stupid dolls.
I see braided targets.
This is constance higgenbottom,
Charged with being stupid and betraying her country.
Commence f*ring!
Happy birthday, gracie!
Thanks, dad.
Can I go sh**t uncle andy in his big, fat head?
It's your day.
Aah!
Aah! Oh, oh! (Laughs maniacally)
Come on, come on, come on!
Come on, come on, come on! Aah!
I'm outta a*mo! I'm outta a*mo! Aah!
(All shouting)
Aah! Oh, gracie, gracie, we're pinned down.
I know! It's awesome!
Ow! Ow!
How are you on a*mo?
I'm down to one dart and one cupcake,
And you know I'm not gonna throw the cupcake.
This is the best party ever. Yeah.
Well, the party's over.
Now give me the cupcake nice and easy,
Or I swear to god I'll do this doll right now.
The last thing you need is a cupcake.
Get him!
(Screaming)
Ohh!
(Screaming)
Get him! Get him!
(Groaning)
(Laughing maniacally)
(Jim) oh, get the enemy!
(Cell phone rings)
Oh, wait a minute. Wait.
Wait, wait. Oh, my god. (Ring)
(Ring)
It's cheryl! Cease fire!
Tea party noises, tea party noises!
(Ring)
(Brightly) yell-oh?
Hey, how's it going?
Uh, delightful, cheryl.
Not a word I use often, but it fits perfectly.
Hey!
You're going down, lady!
Hey!
What was that?
Oh, that? That was a crumpet.
Yeah, they're running all over the place.
It's like a petting zoo here.
How are things at home?
Okay. I mean, you know, I miss you guys,
But kyle's having fun.
Right, kyle?
(Clenching teeth) yes, mommy.
Well, uh, that's great. I gotta get going, honey.
No, wait. Um, um...
M-my feet are really cold.
Oh, I'm so sorry, honey, but I'm getting my hair braided.
Bye.
How's mommy?
Oh, she's great. She wanted me to say,
&Quot;you're all going down!&Quot;
(Screams)
(Bell ringing)
Girls, girls! Order, order, order!
Get her!
(Screaming)
Hello, mrs. Whitney. You'll be safe here.
The question is, will I be?
(Screaming)
All right, we'll show mommy
The pictures of the fake party,
Tell her how great it was, and then we're outta there.
(Cheryl) jim, is that you?
(All) yes, mommy.
Hey!
Hi!
Hey, guys. So how was your day?
I don't know what hormones are, but I'm never getting pregnant.
Oh. How was your party? Tell me everything.
It was great. Here's--here's a picture.
(Gasps) she's kind of worn out,
So why don't we just get her to bed now?
Oh, my god, so happy.
(Jim) bedtime.
So very, very happy. (Sobbing)
Cheryl, cheryl, what's the matter? Cheryl!
Oh, it was the best party ever, and I missed it.
Code five, code five. Get downstairs.
(Sobbing)
Cheryl, cheryl, cheryl, look at me. Cheryl, look at me.
Cheryl... It's going to be okay.
(Wails) it's not okay!
It was the perfect party, and I wasn't even there.
(Sighs) all right, it wasn't the perfect party, all right?
I swear! The fact is,
National girl store threw us out,
Banned us for life, and we'll probably get sued!
Isn't that great?
What?
What'd you do, steal a cupcake?
No.
Did you sneak in beer? Oh, my god.
What?
Your harmonica. (Gasps) did you play your harmonica?
Cheryl.
Poor gracie.
Not poor gracie!
And I'm pretty hot on the harmonica!
That little girl has dreamed about that party all year,
And you ruined it!
Cheryl, cheryl, here's the good news.
The good news is-- is she didn't want that party.
I gave her a better one.
What are you talking about, she didn't want that party?
She didn't want that party, honest to god.
She liked this party. Look, look, look, let me show you.
(Scoffs) look, right here. Okay.
All right, you see that?
Okay, that's gracie assassinating priscilla feeney.
What?
She is a great sh*t. She gets that from you, baby.
And there is ruby and gracie mowing down tabitha.
And there is tabitha's mother
Picking her up early from the party. (Scoffs)
There's me with two cupcakes in my mouth.
See, a good time was had by all.
What's that?
(Beeps)
Oh, it looks like an upskirt of mrs. Whitney.
Damn it, andy! (Beeping)
So that--that's really what gracie wanted?
Yes, honey.
You have to understand,
She grew out of those dolls.
She said this was the best party ever--
A happy day.
(Sobbing)
Oh, cheryl.
Come on, cheryl.
I don't even know my own daughter.
Oh. You know what, cheryl?
You really are down.
(Playing blues riff)
Stop it!
Aah!
My family is slipping away from me,
And it's only gonna get worse.
Cheryl, I know you feel alone.
(Sighs)
But you gotta understand,
Even though you're swimming
In that hormonal soup in your head,
You gotta know that you are the center of this family.
I am?
Yes.
Cheryl, you always have been,
And we've always been there for you.
Aw. (Crying)
Cheryl, why are you crying now?
What is this--is this a happy, sad or crazy cry?
Oh, it's kind of a mixture.
You know, it's just...
It's only gonna be a few more months now
That this family is just the five of us.
I'm missing it.
(Sobbing)
Cheryl mabel...
(Sniffles)
You're not gonna miss anything.
Okay.
Mama's the queen,
And andy and I are gonna lead a charge on the castle.
Aw, you guys, thank you. Got it?
It is so nice to not feel isolated.
Okay.
(Crying)
Cheryl.
Cheryl, you can't cry during an att*ck.
What's wrong?
I just... I just...
I can't believe that...
You would fall for that.
(All screaming and shouting indistinctly)
Ow, ow, ow!