[cell door slams]
[theme song playing]
[cell door slams]
[inmates clamoring]
[inmate 1]
Pull that trigger.
sh**t him in his head.
[Brandy]
Come on! What the f*ck are you waiting for? We are laying low and we're staying out of trouble.
That's right.
We see trouble, we turn around and walk the other way.
- We are out of the business.
- Holy sh*t.
- Is this a real riot? - [door opening]
This is a real riot.
If this is a real riot, do you think this is a step forward or backwards for equality? I don't care.
And we're getting out of here now.
Come on.
Are you kidding me? Come on.
Fine.
I need it to be quiet.
Could everybody be quiet? God damn it.
[inmates exclaiming]
Ah! Oh, sh*t.
I got hit with the casing.
Am I bleeding? You got a mark for sure.
Could everybody just shut the f*ck up so I can think? Less think.
More sh**t! You better shut your mouth before she pops that balloon head of yours.
Yo, if she sh**t this guy, we gonna get guard brains all over us.
Ew.
No, these are my good pants.
- That's what I'm saying.
- I had frogs when I was a kid.
We lived by a creek.
We used to scoop them up into buckets I don't wanna hear your f*ckin' story.
Shut the f*ck up.
[in Spanish]
I brought some to school once, and after that, everyone called me Tommy the Toad-boy, even though they were clearly frogs.
See, he doing that thing, trying to make her see he a person and sh*t.
You know, I seen that sh*t on Oprah back in the day.
I think it's time to get the hell out of Dodge.
Uh-uh.
I gotta see how this ends.
[in Spanish]
My sister Dana always got A's in biology.
I have two sisters.
- [Humphrey groaning]
- [inmates exclaiming]
- I don't f*ckin' speak Spanish.
- [groans louder]
She told him [in Spanish]
to shut the f*ck up.
- [breathing heavily]
- Okay, now we can go.
No, no, that that was sh*ts fired.
What? It's Humps.
[sighs]
How? Uh, Dixon let him through with a piece.
I might have been there, too.
Dude, if he's pulling a Columbine, that is so on you.
[stammers]
He made some very convincing arguments.
He's a freak, man.
Yeah.
Right? [scoffs]
Jesus.
f*ck.
Jesus f*ck! That was definitely a g*nsh*t.
Where are we gonna go? I don't know.
Maybe the dorms? Hide under the covers until it's over.
'Cause prison blankets are so bulletproof.
- [inmate 1]
f*ck, yeah! - [inmates continue clamoring]
[inmate 2]
f*ck off! [inmate 3 laughing]
Whoa! - [glass shatters]
- [inmate 4 cheers]
[grunts]
- [Josh]
You went off book.
- [glass shatters]
Did you hear something? The sound of you f*cking up.
I did the right thing.
Oh, you're so sure about that, huh? What, your vast PR experience led you to that conclusion? And you were ready to send that kid to prison for k*lling someone.
Shall we go over the facts again? You should start working on your résumé.
Yeah? You should go back to the tight suit store.
Mind your own business.
[scoffs]
I rock this suit, you schlepper.
[Stratman on radio]
Anyone got eyes on Humps? - Humps, you there? - You really did it.
- Yeah.
I'm full of surprises.
- [Stratman]
Dude, what's going on? I need medical attention.
You need to shut your mouth.
- [groans]
- [inmates exclaiming]
I say finish him off.
- Dead men can't point fingers.
- [Brandy gasps]
[grunting]
[chuckles]
Good.
This feels good.
Right? If you k*ll him, you probably gonna have to k*ll her, too.
No, no, no.
Please, I don't know anything.
I didn't see anything.
Nah, man.
They don't seem to care about our lives, so why we gotta give a sh*t if they live or die? I do.
I do.
I care so much.
[Maritza grunting]
Should I finish him off, or you two gonna kick him to death? [Maritza and Sankey grunting]
[Gloria]
Daya! She don't know what the f*ck she's doing.
I got blood on my cuff.
Great.
[clicks tongue]
Let's go.
We got business.
[Gloria]
No! No! No! No! Stop! - [gasping]
- No! Okay, it's not too late.
Nobody's dead.
We can still pull this back.
Pull back? I sh*t a guard in the d*ck.
Almost.
This sh*t got serious kickback.
Hell, Gloria, respect and all, but "too late" is way in the rearview, man.
We're taking this m*therf*cker.
[grunts]
Whoa! Whoa, Ramos, hold up.
He'll be way more valuable alive.
Who's in? [inmates clamoring]
Yo, are those noise-canceling headphones? Is that Love's Baby Soft? This does not end well.
Like it was going so good before? Huh? Okay, we need a plan.
Yo, who's the one in charge here? You with the mouth, or me with the g*n? Hey, you wanna be in charge? It's fine by me.
All right, why don't you both just calm down, all right? Just [Dixon on radio]
Someone tell me what the hell is going on.
[Humphrey panting]
- You.
Answer it.
- What, seriously? Yeah! Be her.
- What's her name again? - [gasps]
You, tell her your name.
McCull McCullough.
- Artesian McCullough.
- Artesian? It's a town in South Dakota.
[clears throat]
McCullough here.
Uh, sh*ts fired by Humps.
Guy's going nuts, full-on Sandy Hook.
Hide.
Ahhh! Shh.
Shh.
[radio static]
Not bad, huh? [alarm blaring loudly]
[inmates exclaiming]
Yo, seriously? Are you not paying attention here? Get your asses up off the floor before this one sh**t you.
Right? Right? Yeah.
Right.
Yo, go figure out how to shut that off.
I'm getting a head - [Flaca grunts]
- [all exclaiming]
Oh, sh*t.
[breathing heavily]
f*ck.
It's warm.
That's a lot of blood.
- [inmates clamoring]
- Oh, what a f*cking mess.
- I think it's exciting.
- [scoffs]
You would.
We should try to grab some provisions while the grabbin' is good.
Might be nice for later if we're holed up.
The jackboots will be back soon, stomping.
I don't see this thing going long.
Mmm! Better to be prepared for sh*t that don't happen than to have sh*t happen and not be prepared.
Seize your opportunities.
Grab for both of us, would you? - Where are you going? - To seize some opportunity.
That's a little vague.
No one's minding the store, so I'm going exploring.
Deep dive.
I still don't know what the hell you're talking about.
Oh, f*ck it.
[Chang banging on door]
This is my turf, assholes.
Let me back in.
[Big Boo]
Sorry, Chang.
Red dragon's out in this new economy.
Yeah, go, like, fly a big kite that looks like a bird.
- What are those Chinese birds called? - [chuckling]
Phoenix? Phoenix! Go fly a Phoenix kite all the way to Arizona, Chang.
Not your strongest, but good effort.
[Chang]
Can I at least get Dr.
Scholl's gel inserts, calcium tabs, a radio, four pencils and some honey? Throw a dog a bone.
[Big Boo grunts]
God's sake.
- [alarm continues blaring]
- [clamoring continues]
Yeah.
Here you go.
No funny stuff.
Fine.
Piece of sh*t.
You're welcome.
Hold up! Hold up.
[Pennsatucky]
No, we're closed.
Closed.
[speaking Spanish]
Yeah, well, I need padlocks, all the locks you got, and anything else that's good for barricading.
sh*t! It's really happening? You think I'm starting a lock collection? - [sighs]
- Hey, you don't get any candy [stammers]
It's just not gonna happen.
Because Boo taught me to have a proper candy feast, you gotta have salty and sweet, or it's it's vice versa.
Right? - Just true.
- It's true.
- Sweet and savory.
- Don't give her candy.
Classic.
Go with God.
Oh, and do you have any of those, um, how do you call 'em? Those Islam head-cover thingies? - A hijab? - [Blanca]
Hmm.
How the f*ck do you know the word "hijab"? 'Cause I learned it in church.
Hijab-wearing enemy of Christ.
Yeah, I like the way that sounds coming out.
It's bouncy.
You know, hijab.
- [chuckles]
- Oh, I found 'em.
Hijabs right here.
[Big Boo chuckles]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Take those.
Whoa! Hey.
- [Blanca]
What? - [sniffing]
You're still kind of ripe.
Hold up.
You know, if you're gonna, like, go and take over, you might wanna do it right.
[sighs]
I guess.
Have fun storming the castle! What what castle? [toilet flushes]
Ugh.
[inmates clamoring]
[shouting indistinctly]
[grunting]
Yeah! [whooping]
[Angie]
You get the credit card, and you swipe it through there, and then [Leanne]
dr*gs! dr*gs! Oh, sh**t.
Somebody b*at us to the punch.
No, look, they're not in the cage yet.
There's still opportunity here.
Uh, don't you wanna try for something else? We could go to electrical.
We could make a ham radio.
We could string up the holiday lights, make it all atmospheric.
I'll let you tie me up with an extension cord if you ask real nice.
- No, you won't.
- You're right.
I won't.
I'm still sorting through some trust issues.
But listen I don't think you in a room full of medicine is such a swell idea for your sobriety right now.
Are you hearing? Yes.
Yes, I hear you, and I appreciate what you're saying, okay? But this this is a purely practical, tactical move.
I mean, the weak-wristed, short-statured, white-girl contingent that we represent, we need a stronghold.
If I've learned anything from this grand corporatocracy we call America, Big Pharma rules, right? So does Little Pharma, Medium Pharma, and Pharma of all sizes.
Let them eat Prozac! You are a very sneaky junkie person, and you are playing with fire.
Well, come be the wet blanket wrapped around my body.
I won't be your wet blanket.
Okay, so great.
Huh? Moving forward.
No, wait.
What? No.
Hey, fool! Fool follower! - [pants]
We got here first.
- Yeah! Buzz off! You really think you're gonna be able to chew through that steel with your meth teeth? Maybe.
We believe in ourselves.
[grunting]
No, Ang, she's right.
We need a key.
Like a skeleton key.
No.
No way.
Skeletons freak me out.
Well, maybe we could melt it.
You got a lighter? No Oh, but, once I saw this video where all you'll need is a lemon, and steel nails, and copper pegs, and plain wire, and coated wire, and steel wool, and some kind of kindling to make a fire.
We could totally do that.
[panting]
I don't know.
Where are we gonna find a lemon? Come on.
I got an idea.
When life gives you lemons [Zirconia]
We need, like, lots of CCs of medicine stat! Is he still breathing? You check.
He puked on himself and if I get too close, I get the pukes.
I'm like that.
Sophia! Sophia Burset.
Come on, wake the f*ck up.
[stammers]
We need help here.
What do we do for a g*nsh*t wound? Come on.
[Sophia]
That's a lot of blood.
Looks like they hit a vein or something.
You need to stop the bleeding.
- No sh*t.
- Anyone got a tampon? You can stick one in the wound, then apply pressure.
Ain't nobody got tampons.
Those things are like wheat pennies around here.
Where you been? She don't use tampons.
Don't be insensitive.
- I forgot.
- Can you get him out of there? [Pidge]
Come on.
[Humphrey groans]
Oh! I need a doctor.
Well, you got me.
I used to be a fireman.
I'm trained in emergency medicine.
No, I need a surgeon, not a f*cking fire-tr*nny.
Hey, I don't care if you bleed out.
I can get back to my magazine, and you can die on the floor and go straight to hell.
No, you got to.
He can't die on us or that's a m*rder charge.
He can't die.
Please.
It's not for him.
It's for me.
Did you do this? No, but Yo, his skin be going all gray like he's cloudy and overcast.
[mouthing]
Please.
For you.
Not for him.
Find me some disinfectant and something like gauze, some tweezers.
And honestly, if you still got dr*gs around here, you might wanna give him a taste.
No way.
That's more valuable than wheat pennies and tampons put together.
Would bleach work as disinfectant? No.
No! No.
Thank you.
Let's see if he lives before you go thanking me too much.
Looks like someone forgot to do laundry.
You wanna move it to the side for me, cowboy? It's in my way.
[indistinct chatter]
- What? - I'm super mad at you.
Is this because I wouldn't let you use my apricot facial scrub? It was at the end of the tube, I swear.
You could check, even.
How could you go to a riot without me? What happened to "Team Flaritza"? I got called up for van duty last minute.
And I thought we decided on Team Maraca.
No, we didn't.
We said that that sounded like two rumba shakers, not two unique individuals sharing one nickname.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
I came down a whole other hallway from you.
You were supposed to be my riot buddy.
Did you see me push him? And then kick him later? Of course I did.
That was some excellent pushing and kicking, but I would've gotten in some, you know, head sh*ts.
I was getting to that.
Working the body first, and then that was gonna be, like, my finale.
Boot right in his stupid, evil face.
sh*t.
I would've loved that.
[Maritza]
Gloria came and pooped my whole party.
And I'm sorry we couldn't go together, but [Maria]
Oh, I don't think so.
Girl, you wanna be the jefa in charge, you can't be napping.
There's sh*t to do, sh*t that might need a g*n to do.
The n*zi chicks, they might need backup while they're rounding up the guards.
I'm tired.
Don't matter if you're tired.
Whoa, I said I'm tired.
I'm gonna rest for a bit, and then I'll go get sh*t done, or whatever.
Sounds good to you? Best plan ever.
I'm heading out.
You know, you could probably leave your boxes packed.
Easier to clear out when MCC calls and fires you.
Where the hell did you put my radio and the g*dd*mn phone cord? I gotta shut this f*cking alarm, and I can't reach my people.
Where'd you put it? I don't know.
Didn't your assistant pack everything up? Right.
Move outta the way.
Nothing.
Label makers.
Empty g*dd*mn Good & Plenty boxes.
Some organization you run.
Ran.
Oh, you got a problem with how I do sh*t, pretty boy? Taystee? What are you doing? I'm telling the real story, 'cause you sure the hell didn't.
Where the f*ck the cameras go? They left to go home, - which is what I'm gonna do.
- [sighs]
- So, excuse me.
- Oh, oh, wait.
Excuse you? I don't think so.
Hey, you ever been whacked in the head full force with a chair leg? Yeah, see, and this screw right here looks pretty rusty.
I think you gonna need a sh*t for tetanus if you live.
Oh, hell no.
[groans]
Stay the f*ck down, Captain America, or you ain't never makin' babies.
Jesus Christ! Are you insane? No, she's angry.
We're all angry.
You done our girl wrong, Mr.
Caputo, and you gonna fix it.
Taystee this is a very delicate situ [grunts]
You gonna make this right.
- [inmates clamoring]
- [alarm continues blaring]
[grunts]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Time out, time out.
I come in peace.
And you go the same way.
Will you put that thing down, please? Just Come on.
[stammers]
Can't we both be here? - No.
- Come on.
Clearly we both have a similar plan, huh? - Maybe we can help each other.
- [scoffs]
- What did he take from you? - My dignity, my humanity and my sleep.
Oh.
Well, he took my carved soaps.
What? He took your what? It's my art.
And I spent a lot of time on them.
And they're beautiful.
And and that piece of sh*t Paul Bunyan confiscated them, and I want them back.
Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Oh, I like that.
Did you come up with that? No, it's Polish.
Oh, I mean, I'm not a huge fan of Poles.
No, me neither, but they have some good maxims.
Oh, Jesus, this is heavy.
[groans]
Go.
Look for your soaps.
Anything I can keep an eye out for for you? Or is the point simply to just vent through wanton destruction? I'm looking for revenge.
[grunts]
When spider webs unite, they can tie up a lion.
That's African.
I learned it on safari.
Bingo! What did you find? [sighs]
Oh! [sniffs]
Aren't they nice? Wonderful.
What else is in there? What's that book? [scoffs]
Jesus.
What a dork.
You should use this.
It's petty.
I don't know.
It's hella embarrassing.
[chuckles]
[sighs]
- We totally could have ditched him.
- And then what? Then we could be off somewhere.
I don't know, we could be fooling around.
Maybe I'm just saying.
I always miss all the fun.
I missed the lake.
I missed the riot.
The mass sh**t roaming the halls? Poor you.
Lie there and ride it out.
[whispering]
We're all going to die.
Thanks for that.
Why isn't this thing working? They cut all the phones and TVs so we couldn't hear the news and get mad.
And that's working great, huh? What if there's actually an emergency? Like a fire or something? Listen to me.
There ain't no fire.
There's a guard out there going full-on San Bernardino.
This is where you want to be.
Until he bursts in and we're all sitting ducks.
I'll keep you safe.
I'm so reassured.
[Stratman on radio]
Anyone out there? Hey, man.
You hear about Humps? That he's gone all Virginia Tech? It's not good, dude.
Where are you? Well, I'd rather not say over the walkie, but I've got half a dozen inmates on the ground.
We're holding tight.
We gotta get in control of this, man.
[clamoring continues]
Oh, sh*t.
We gotta step it up.
Hey, inmates, on the ground now! Everyone on the ground, now! You think they're running from Humps? I don't know.
I mean, an awful lot of them are smiling.
- [Sankey shrieks]
- Ah! What the f*ck? Oh, absolutely not.
[both grunting]
[groaning]
[groans]
[grunting]
- Hey.
No, no, no.
- [shrieks]
Come here! No! - Oh, f*ck.
- [Helen grunts]
You should've shaved it off like we told you.
Bet you're regretting it now.
I'm not a f*cking n*zi skinhead.
I'm a white nationalist.
And you're on the f*cking ground, too, baldy.
We got three.
- [chuckles]
- Whoo! [laughs]
We got three! I'm locked inside the ghetto bubble.
Everyone's gone crazy.
Is Humps out there really doing a Charleston, South Carolina? Where the hell is Caputo? And when is someone gonna turn off that daggum alarm? - [Gina]
Come on.
- [banging on door]
Luschek, come [Luschek]
Go away! Ugh! And they call me disgusting.
[panting]
Let me the f*ck in! It's Aurora, Colorado, out here, and we're all in the movie theater.
Come on, man, let me in! Help me! Oh, f*ck.
Okay, we have to cut the alarm.
It's making everyone nuts.
Are you hurt? Where are you hurt? Oh.
No, I'm fine.
It's period blood.
Heavy flow.
[groans in disgust]
Get the f*ck out of here, then.
You have to cut the alarm, Luschek.
You don't think I would if I could? I have sensitive cochlea.
I'm dying in here.
But the only way is with a key, and only Caputo and Piscatella have keys.
No, that can't be the only way.
Can't we, you know, cut some wires or something? We? Piss off, Bloody Mary.
I'm not helping you.
I'm making earplugs out of pencil erasers.
You know, Flores is outside with a shiv, and I'm closer to the door than you are.
- Flores? You out there? - [loud banging]
[in Spanish]
Where's a f*cking hammer when you need one? You hear that? She said she's ready to gut you like a shark that's eaten a toddler.
[Blanca continues speaking Spanish]
[grunts]
[door opens]
If you're if you're coming in here to have sex or whatever, you can do it, but I'm gonna be here reading Rilke out loud in German.
Is there anybody else here with you? No.
Not anymore.
[stammering]
I chased them away with my sadness.
[chuckles]
And I'll chase you away, too.
No, well, sad doesn't scare me.
I am staying put until the cavalry comes.
Train has gone way off the tracks out there.
Oh, yeah, like it's chugging along in here.
[crying]
I I can't stop crying.
You will.
In this lifetime, you will be amazed by what you can get over, darling.
Babies get thrown in dumpsters and survive.
Uh, teenagers crash their cars, and break their hearts and OD on coke.
They live.
Adults get worn down and compromise and fail, and they're still keeping track of their steps on their cell phones.
[sighs]
We are so f*ckin' resilient.
Even when we really don't want to be.
Um [sighs]
I've already tried to k*ll myself once.
And you are still here, right? Not so easy to shake this mortal coil.
Until someone sits on you till you die.
Yes, well Yes, there is that.
[objects crashing]
- [alarm continues blaring]
- [inmates clamoring]
[Sankey]
Come on, you're hurting me! Stop! [Helen]
Get your f*cking hands off! Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, I don't think so.
[grunts]
[Sankey]
No! No, no, no, please.
[Helen]
m*therf*cker! [inmates screaming]
- Uh, that's a lot of them.
- Yep.
- Yeah, we should, uh - [inmates clamoring]
We got four of them, right? Huh? That's enough.
- Yeah, that's plenty.
- Yeah.
[inmate]
Tough guy.
f*cking guards.
What's up, b*tches? [chuckles]
What you gonna do? [chuckles nervously]
[sighs]
[sighs]
Uh, what do we do now? [inmates clamoring]
- We get his keys.
- But how? [scoffs]
Distraction.
Show him your tits and I'll get the keys, and then we run.
Look at this fat guy.
He can't outrun us.
All right.
[grunts]
Jesus! Hey, what you doing on the floor? Come on.
We've taken over.
Yeah, for real.
We got guard hostages and everything.
It's bananas out there.
It's like a party, except terrifying.
Are people getting mass sh*t by a mass sh**t? No, someone popped a guard in the leg.
That's it.
All of you, get back down on the floor.
Uh-uh! I'm in charge here.
[yelling]
[clamoring continues]
Nah, I like I like carpet.
I always have.
Carpet I prefer because it's soft, for one.
And two, if you drop sh*t, it doesn't break.
And also, you don't get splinters.
- And you can munch it.
- Okay.
- [Big Boo laughs]
- Hey.
Oh, Jesus.
How you doing? You didn't see me.
No, 'course not.
Do you want a snack or something? Yeah, I'll take some Twizzlers if you got.
Yeah, we have Twizzlers.
Thanks.
You forgot salty.
Now he doesn't have the magic combination.
Idiot.
[inmates clamoring and laughing]
This where you're keeping guards? We got a big one here for you.
Hey, Daya, we need you again.
We gotta open the door.
Oh, what about Bang Bang? No, that's the kid from Flintstones.
That's no good.
[chuckles]
Oh [chuckles]
What? - [chuckles]
Nothing.
- Mmm? [chuckles]
You talkin' about me? We were trying to guess what your nickname could be - when you go to Max.
- Mmm.
What are you talking about? Nothing.
I mean, I think you were totally brave.
You, like, f*cked up your whole life so that we could be free.
And I don't think no one is gonna mess with you in Max when they hear.
You know how b*tches gossip.
Everyone gonna know you a badass.
[gasps]
Maybe they call you Badass.
No, a nickname can't be with "bad" and "ass" in it.
- How about Sexy Ass? - Uh But then no one's gonna know how hard she is, yo.
- Cold Ass Diaz? - Get off the ass track.
How about Dominator? The Dominator.
Too kinky.
You know, you can't keep sh**ting things down without pitching.
[breathing heavily]
[alarm continues blaring]
Now, you gonna read the words just like they written.
You hear me? No one's gonna be able to hear with the alarm going off.
- What? - Exactly.
[inmates clamoring]
Can you stop with the cracking? - Nope.
- Which wire am I supposed to cut? Hmm the blue one.
You're full of sh*t.
[inmates exclaiming]
- sh*t.
- Told ya.
That was the main power.
Then how is this f*cking alarm still ringing? It's got its own power source.
- [alarm stops]
- [sighs]
[chuckles]
See? Blue.
You are such an assh*le.
You really gotta learn to trust more.
- [clears throat]
- [Taystee]
Okay, we're ready.
He looks shiny.
[clicks tongue]
Man, this ain't a beauty pageant.
Go.
Read.
- [Caputo sighs]
- You best be getting to work.
"Her name was Poussey Washington.
She was kind and loyal, smart - and our best librarian.
" - [Black Cindy]
Hmm.
"She didn't deserve to be in here and she definitely didn't deserve to die in here.
" [Black Cindy]
Mmm-hmm.
"She" I can't say that.
[sniffles]
[exhales heavily]
She was m*rder*d.
CO Bayley m*rder*d her.
And we want justice.
This bathroom is really nice.
It's got that pink soap that smells like almonds.
[sighs]
It's gonna be dark soon.
And no power.
So we need to find a place to hole up.
Ah, you said "hole.
" Nice.
I'm serious.
Things are gonna go from nuts to insane around here in the dark.
And you know when this is all over, there's gonna be a massive investigation.
There's a chance that someone who's not an idiot is gonna start asking questions about that dead guard again.
Stop it.
You're starting to spin out again.
Stop yourself.
Come on.
Smell my fingers.
They smell like marzipan.
"Smell my fingers" is a weird come-on line.
Okay.
Mmm Come on my fingers, then? They're so clean.
Why don't we go try to find a place where we don't have to stay standing up.
[sighs]
Fine.
[cell phone vibrating]
- At least that f*cking alarm went off.
- Mmm-hmm.
- [sighs]
It's crazy-making.
- Mmm-hmm.
I'm still hearing a buzzing noise.
Wait.
No, I hear that, too.
Howdy, stranger.
Um [chuckles nervously]
[inmates clamoring]
[grunts]
It's too thick and it's bent.
This needle is for sewing in a hair weave, not stitching up a g*nsh*t wound.
[grunts]
This isn't gonna work.
Okay, so let's get him back on the cart, and we'll roll him to medical.
[sighs]
No.
You gotta pull it together right now.
Fake it.
I don't care.
I can't let this guy die.
So get up, put one foot in front of the other, and help me load this sack of sh*t back into the cart and roll now.
Bring it closer.
[inmates clamoring]
[Zirconia]
It's like I got all this energy, you know? [Pidge]
Will you slow down? You got longer legs than me.
[Dwight]
No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I have to get out of here! [panting]
[groans]
[laughs]
sh*t.
[groaning]
I haven't finished securing that side yet.
There.
Now it's locked up good.
[continues groaning]
[Blanca]
Wait.
[in Spanish]
If you're collecting guards, there's that one from electrical hiding out in the front office.
[in English]
Guard hunt! Will you slow down? [Blanca sighs]
[grunting softly]
[clamoring continues]
We're back! Hey, who wants some dr*gs? - Yum, yummy dr*gs.
- [Angie]
I do.
No, Ang.
We can't let 'em back here.
This is our turf, and we were here first.
- Firsties keepsies! - [groans]
- But I want dr*gs! - Shh.
Okay, I got an idea, all right? Let's all take a chill pill.
Literally.
Now, I'm gonna come in there, I'm gonna open the gate, we're all gonna swallow something wonderful.
And then, we're gonna have a nice, civilized discussion.
You are not taking any pills.
I know.
I know, okay? I won't.
Just just follow my lead here.
- Okay, but I wanna hold the keys.
- [sighs]
[Leanne]
What are you whispering about? We're talking about who's gonna hold the keys! It's me.
[stuttering]
I will hold the keys, I will open the cage, and I will select a medicine, and you will all stand aside.
What am I getting? The strongest benzo you can find.
Bento? Bento? That that's a Japanese food.
Okay, f*ck it.
New plan.
New plan! New plan! I will hold the keys, I will open the cage, and then Nicky will select something good because she is very good at drug selecting.
Oxy! Oxy! Oxy! Oxy! No! No, no, no, no.
I want that pill that's like super heroin.
We got any of that? It's fentanyl.
Mmm, I can get the patch.
Or it could be an injectable.
Ooh! Should we inject stuff? I bet there's, uh, needles in there.
Excellent idea! Let's all sh**t up.
- Huh? - [chuckles]
[Nicky]
In you go, madame.
Hello! Is anybody here? Just me.
Everyone else has fled.
Talk of a riot.
[Sophia]
The rumors are true.
We have a male, early 30s, g*nsh*t wound to the upper right thigh.
I think they hit a vein.
- How long has he been unconscious? - He's been in and out.
- And he's lost a lot of blood.
- Thanks for bringing him in.
If you got this, I'm gonna go check on Daya, okay? [scoffs]
You're gonna need some help.
I was a firema firefighter.
Well, great.
I'll take all the help I can get.
[inmates clamoring]
Okay, you need to lose the shoes.
The the deal was for my bag and my phone, and I think that that's more than fair.
These were not on sale, and your feet look much bigger than mine.
You can keep your shoes.
Just hold them, so we can get to the door faster and quieter.
- These floors look filthy.
- Mmm Okay, I'm done.
Piper, give her her sh*t back.
How did you even get a phone in here? I put my phone in my underwear and nail clippers in my pocket so when I buzzed through the metal detector, I was all, "Oh, here, just keep the clippers.
" - And then I just walked right through.
- Oh, my God.
Isn't that clever? [gasps]
Hey, hold up.
She a hostage? Yeah.
Yeah.
Then you should take her to C-Dorm.
They're collectin' all the hostages there.
Easier to manage in bulk, you know? I'd do it myself, but this one's a handful.
Aren't you? [grunts]
That's for throwing the scissors at my head.
- You lucky I got a thick skull.
- [chuckles]
- That's me, lucky.
- Hey, can I have her jacket? - Give her your jacket.
- What? No, it It goes with my dress.
It's an outfit.
It makes you look boxy, so give it up.
It was really hiding your waist.
[Linda]
Oh, um, I'm sorry.
I, uh [chuckles]
Should we take the shoes, too? Maybe to use the heels for weapons, but not to wear.
They represent the patriarchy and the oppression of women.
And they hurt like f*ck.
The shoes, too.
We called them.
We called the shoes.
Don't make me come over there.
Take them.
Take the shoes.
'Kay.
See ya.
But, uh [Pidge]
We should have grabbed that bag, too.
[Zirconia]
Later.
[Taystee]
sh*t.
Man, it locked again.
How do you unlock it? Okay! All right.
All right.
Uh The number six, lowercase "p," capital "K," lowercase "a," "b," "s.
" [Black Cindy]
Six pack abs? Ooh, I wanna see those.
All right, so how do I post it? Man, where do I post it? I got an old Myspace account.
Still might work.
- [Taystee sighs]
- [Alison]
Snapchat.
- I hear it's all about Snapchat now.
- [scoffs]
What? Why'd you make that snort noise? Snapchat is a closed system, and it only lasts a limited time.
But if you tweet with a hashtag and a link, it goes to Facebook, Instagram, etcetera.
Really increases your chance of going viral.
Hmm.
You're gonna want a quick, catchy clickbait.
All right, something to really grab the liberal market.
- That's who you want to appeal to.
- Why are you helping them? Because their message still exonerates MCC, so what the hell do I care? Bad apple guard.
Sympathetic victim.
Justice will be served.
That's what I've been trying to convey since the beginning.
He was a kid who was under-trained, in over his head, who made a grave and terrible mistake.
See, that's not good for MCC.
He was a kid who k*lled my friend.
My friend, who was a person, and you didn't say her name or nothing about her.
I know.
I know, and that was wrong, but I was trying to prevent one tragedy from becoming two.
Taystee, what's your endgame here? How long do you think you can keep us? They're gonna notice you're missing during count.
They're gonna come looking for you.
[laughs]
"Count.
" That's funny.
- There ain't no count.
- [Janae and Alison chuckle]
- We in charge now.
- Mmm-hmm.
What are you talking about? Oh, sh*t.
He don't know.
Why you think the alarm was going off, and the lights and everything? Riot.
Okay, upload this on the Twitter.
You need an account.
Do it on yours! How long do you think this riot of yours can last? As long as it takes.
For what to happen, exactly? - I don't know, for Bayley to get arrested.
- [Janae]
Mmm-hmm.
- For the guards to get fired.
- [Janae and Alison]
Mmm-hmm.
- For the food to get better.
- Mmm.
For classes and better jobs, and maybe, like, basic dignity.
[Janae]
Mmm-hmm.
We should write this sh*t down.
Not good for MCC.
Barring the arrest I hope you get everything you want.
I've never been able to make a difference here.
Maybe you'll have better luck.
Maybe so.
[Caputo]
But if you know anything about the history of riots, you know they don't end well.
- They never end well.
- [Janae]
Uh-uh.
We, we're gonna get it done.
I hope you do.
Uh, I really have to pee.
Oh, I can help you with that.
See, just come up with a catchy tweet, get our video out, I give you my cup here.
You know, this was delicious, by the way.
You know, a hint of cinnamon, vanilla bean.
Delightful! Hey.
Uh, anyone mind if I drink this one, too? You've had enough caffeine.
[scoffing]
All right.
Go to my bag, get my hotspot.
I'll upload for you.
Now, would somebody please untie my hands so that I can type and hold my own d*ck? [clicks tongue]
Oh, come on.
You no fun.
[inmates clamoring]
[sobbing]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
She's starting to lose it.
[sighs]
You think we can break out of here? I don't see how right now, but it's good that they're falling apart.
That alarm was going off forever.
Someone'll come soon.
Max guards.
Police, maybe.
- SWAT.
- Sure.
Of course.
Are you scared? I'm not not scared.
[grunts]
Me, too.
Not not.
Don't do that.
- Hey! You! - [bangs door]
You on that side.
You on the other side.
Stay away from each other.
And I don't wanna hear no talking between you.
You got that? Huh? You got it? Daya, look.
You can't let these guards see you like this.
You either gotta pull your sh*t together, or give me the g*n.
Okay, give me the g*n.
Come on.
It's time.
Get the f*ck away from me! Everybody get the f*ck away from me! The f*ck is happening here? f*ck.
[both snoring]
[Lorna]
So what now? Now we hold tight, yeah? The day is done.
The battle is won.
[sniffles]
Speaking of holding tight.
Hey, back off, eyeballs.
What? [gasps]
Oh! I'm talking about the keys to the cage.
Oh, wait, so you thought I was talking about something else? [chuckles]
You see you you have a mental picture in your head, right? Of me holding you tight.
And close.
Oh, it was about the keys? - The keys? - Mmm-hmm.
Which, by the way, you are never going to get.
Oh, yeah? Even if you have to hide them some place very private? And warm.
[sighs]
And wet.
Oh, sh*t.
Where are you going? Well, now I have to find some other place to hide them, don't I? [monitor beeping]
[Adarsh]
Is that really necessary? He brought a g*n into the prison.
We could have been looking at a Fort Hood situation if he had not been disarmed and sh*t.
I see.
I think we did good work.
I agree.
[breathes deeply]
"She didn't deserve to be in here and she definitely didn't deserve to die in here.
" I can't say that.
[exhales heavily]
She was m*rder*d.
CO Bayley m*rder*d her.
- [sighs]
- And we want justice.
- [indistinct chatter]
- [cell phone chimes]
"Her name was Poussey Washington.
- She was kind and loyal" - [scoffs]
- "smart" - I knew it.
- "and our best librarian.
" - I knew it.
[inmates clamoring]
Oh, my God.
Will you stop following us? We tried.
You're on your own.
Please.
Please, I was only in for a meeting.
Please, I don't want to be a hostage or somebody's bitch.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Please help me.
Please.
She's gonna be someone's bitch so fast.
- [crying]
- Maybe we should help her.
What? What happened to staying out of trouble and laying low? You have, what, three months left? And God forbid my face ends up on TV when this thing gets bigger.
We need to hide and ride it out.
- There is a puddle of blood on the floor.
- But she's so pathetic.
- [sighs]
- She reminds me of me.
How I was, but more annoying.
And I never wore suits or worked for a big corporation.
And she's older.
Look, Al, I don't want to not lay low, but I also don't want to lose my humanity.
Again.
I'm in an amends for bad behavior phase.
Fine.
But the minute she gets risky for us, we are ditching her ass.
- Okay.
- Get changed.
Welcome to Litchfield, inmate [sighs]
Ibrahim? No, you need to make up a different name.
Amelia Von Barlow.
You had that ready to go.
I once wrote a novella.
Get your pants on, Von Barlow, and find some boots.
And yes, you will definitely be getting athlete's foot.
[sniffs]
Is this vomit? Um [sniffs]
No.
Prison slop.
Yesterday's dinner, I'm guessing.
It's an easy mistake to make, though.
Hmm.
Okay.
- Captain? - [inmates clamoring]
[inmate 1]
You suck! f*ck that bullshit! [inmate 2]
You coming out, or we coming in? [inmate 3]
Get out here and suck my d*ck! - [inmates clamoring]
- [inmate 4]
Get out, m*therf*cker.
Put him with the others.
- Move, m*therf*cker! - [straining]
- Piece of sh*t.
- Line him up! You pat him down? A lot.
All the doors to the outside are secure.
Whoa, I need to lie down.
Wake me up if there's sh*t happening.
[sighs]
Nice shoes.
- We got any more COs out there? - I got people looking.
I bet they all ran away before Blanca got the doors done.
[feedback over radio]
Maybe not.
[Stratman on radio]
Anybody out there? Dixon? McCullough? Do you copy? Caputo? Hello? Isn't it, like, time for dinner or something? I'm hungry.
Anybody? Nothing.
[sighs]
I don't know what the f*ck's going on.
They're all out there plotting your deaths.
Shut the f*ck up! [Red chuckles]
Competitive table setting? [Ginsberg]
Tablescape.
It's called tablescape.
[both chuckling]
- Hey.
- [Ginsberg]
Oh, hello.
[Red]
We're in here.
You know if the phone works? - [grunts]
Oh! - [chuckles]
Merry Christmas.
It does.
You need to leave now.
We're kind of in the middle of something, huh? - Yeah.
[chuckles]
- [chuckling]
We can do this later.
Do you mind if we take this with us? And and these? Do whatever you want.
Just get out now.
- [Ginsberg]
Getting getting out.
- [Red grunting]
[Ginsberg]
Okay, going.
Thank you.
- [line ringing]
- Come on, Ma.
- [phone beeps]
- Pick up.
Ma? [Aleida]
Hello, you've reached Aleida's phone, b*tches.
- Leave a message.
- [grunts]
[upbeat music playing]
05x01 - Riot FOMO
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Piper Chapman is sentenced to a year and a half behind bars to face the reality of how life-changing prison can really be.
Piper Chapman is sentenced to a year and a half behind bars to face the reality of how life-changing prison can really be.