05x02 - f*ck, Marry, Frieda

[bunniefuu]

[cell door slams]

[theme song playing]

[cell door slams]

Now, you'll want to pick the
gayest handkerchief you can find,

since this will serve
as your doll's head.

Uh, I'll choose apple-blossom
pink for my demonstration.

I'm gonna give my doll
bangs like Debbie Reynolds.

My mom says I can't
watch her movies anymore,

now that she gave her
lady gift to Eddie Fisher.

- What does that mean?
- It's some kind of flower.

This may not look as tricky
as the Indian Lore badge

or the Backyard Chef badge,

but the Hobby Fun badge has
eluded many a sloppy girl.

Did you hear that, Frieda?

Finally a badge you won't get.

You calling me sloppy?

- And smelly. Also smelly.
- [chuckles]

It's the beaver musk
I put around my neck.

Well, it smells like a monkey butt.

[Susan chuckles]

Technically, it does
come from the a**l glands,

which makes it very helpful
when you want to attract deer.

"Attract deer"? Are
you gonna marry them?

I'm gonna sh**t 'em.

[whispering] You were right.
She is an alien from outer space.

Do you know the Nature Scout motto?

"Ready for any and all things."

Do you know what it means?

What if your mom went away one day and
there were no more finger sandwiches?

What if the sky went dark
and all the crops d*ed?

Would you know which
plants were safe to eat

and which ones will make
you vomit till you're dead?

Could you k*ll an animal and clean
it without cutting the intestines?

Could you take its skin and
salt it and tan it to keep warm?

Or would you sit in the corner
with your doll and wait to die?

[girls gasping]

I'll take a piece of that green
gingham over there, thank you.

[grunts]

[Blake urinating]

[static on radio]

Uh, hello? Hello?

- Anybody there?
- Maybe it's broken.

Hey, uh, if you're a guard, buzz twice.

[silence]

- Not a good sign.
- [sighs]

The one who kicked me
in the vag is kinda cute.

Good Aryan stock.

[Sankey] You can't tell by looking. I
met a Jew once, nose like a Kewpie doll.

And the crotch kicker's
mine. You get the bald one.

But I called him.

Hair likes hair, bald likes bald.

Why do you think Cali
skins don't f*ck Idaho Klan?

- No mixing.
- [Helen] Both.

What?

All for Helen.

[Frieda] News flash, ladies.

Those boys don't wanna f*ck any of you.

They don't see you as women.

- [Brandy] Look, the garden gnome talks.
- [Sankey laughing]

- The f*ck are you doing, anyway?
- [Frieda sawing]

Craft project.

[Sankey] What a weirdo.

[grunts]

They look kinda dumb.

I like someone I can
have a conversation with.

Oh, wait, are we talking
sex or relationship here?

f*ck, marry, k*ll.

[Brandy] There's only two of them.

Three of us.

It'll pass the time.

Hey, Einstein.

- He knows his name.
- [all chuckle]

Wanna play a game?

[dial tone]

[grunting]

[breathing heavily]

- Oh, sh...
- sh*t, you scared me.

No, you scared me with
that performance back there.

You should win an Oscar
and use it like a dildo.

Sorry, I just had to clear my head.

You got that g*n on you?

Yeah, it's in my underwear
drawer. What you think? [scoffs]

Go collect the guards from the
bubble. Bring 'em to the chapel.

Get Flaritza to help you, all right?

- Flaritza?
- Yeah, that's their thing now.

I'll see you in the
chapel in ten minutes.

We gonna get organized.

[Dayanara sighs]

You need to bow out?

This is your chance,
right here, right now.

All you gotta do is hand over the piece.

Nah, I got this.

Good.

- No more Girl, Interrupted sh*t, okay?
- Wait, what does that mean?

- Like, letting people interrupt me?
- Nah, it's, like, the whitest movie ever.

Just don't act like a
gringa mental case, okay?

I thought you said
this sh*t was clickbait.

Be patient. All it takes is one retweet.

We was supposed to be
"Hamster With a Burrito."

- Instead, we nothin' but Side Boob.
- Mmm-hmm.

Hey, "Workers in the
Mine" has over 1,100 views.

[chuckles] Yeah? Well, how many
of those was from your mama?

[laughs] Ooh, ya burnt!

- That'll do it.
- [door opens]

State your business.

Oh, sh*t, they got Jefe.

They don't "got" me.

Kinda looks that way.

Business?

Ruiz is havin' a little
orientation in the chapel.

A reorientation.

- Pass.
- [Janae] Yeah.

Where I come from, you don't
hang with b*tches packin' caliber.

That guard only took one b*llet.

Too many left.

Yeah, we keepin' this
here a no-v*olence zone.

[sniffles]

A no-g*n zone.

We cool with Spam cans in socks.

Hey, your call.

Look, we was just tryin' to have
a racially inclusive riot and sh*t.

Wait, a guard was sh*t?

[clicks tongue] Yeah, but
he ain't dead or nothin'.

- Yeah...
- [Taystee] Yo, we got a comment, y'all.

[Janae laughs] Yo,
here come a revolution!

Hold up. "Earn up to
$1,200 a week from home."

[chuckles] Looks like the
spam escaped your socks.

Wait, you can make that
kinda money from home?

So I'm asking you to poke your
head in. See who's takin' charge.

It's just a meeting. I'm
sure it'll be civilized.

[inmates hooting and yelling]

Well, that does not seem very PC.

Or is it allowed if you're
darker than a Band-Aid?

[grunts and sighs]

I'm not ready to be around
people yet. [chuckles nervously]

And maybe that includes you.

You should go.

- I'm not in uniform.
- [groans]

And you're nice and anonymous.

[sighs] Anonymous?

There are, like, four
Asian girls in this prison

and my girlfriend just d*ed.

- [breathing heavily]
- Oh, so let them comfort you, then.

Well, I can't go out there.

When there's a revolution,

who do you think it is
that gets guillotined first?

- The one percent.
- Marie-Antoinette.

- The one percent.
- That's right.

And I intend to keep
this one-percent neck.

I had it contoured last January

after Colicchio told me that it
had more rings than a Swiss roll.

But I told him he looked
like a manscaped scrotum,

which is less poetic, but extremely apt.

[sighs]

You're scared.

That's a new shade from you.

- "Darker than a Band-Aid."
- Oh, darling... [chuckles]

- I have been terrified this whole time.
- Bullshit.

You have had this place
wrapped around your finger,

but now you just lost your protectors.

So I'm in the market for replacements.

Look, I wasn't supposed
to be here anymore.

All right? I was supposed to be out.

[sighs]

[exhales heavily] Hmm.

- The books...
- Mmm-hmm.

She'd want me to make
sure that they're safe.

Rest assured, I will play the role of
stern but foxy librarian to the hilt.

[Judy mutters]

All right. You can do it.

[sighs]

[Linda] Guys, wait up!

[Piper] Aw, can we keep her?

[sighs] If you promise to feed
her and walk her every day.

And she never comes into our bed.

[inmates screaming]

You are very long-legged women.
Ooh, are we seeing a movie?

I heard he was sh**ting all
the Muslims execution style.

- I heard it was an inmate.
- No, it was Humps.

The guy's a psycho.

Humps is a name?

Who's the ranking officer here?

Rick Hopper. I'm the captain
over at the Max facility.

CO Piscatella is your man up here.

- Where is he?
- I don't know.

Still inside, maybe. I'm guessing.

It's a developing situation.

- What are your orders?
- Orders?

We don't even know whose
jurisdiction this is yet.

If it's a mass sh**t, it's the feds.

If it's a prison riot,
chain starts at MCC,

and if it's a cat up a
tree, that's you guys.

Oh, so that's how it's gonna be, huh?

- They were yelling, "Attica."
- So it's a riot.

We're not gonna jump to conclusions.

[stutters] I'd rather it be
a riot than a sh**t any day.

Inmates can't organize.
And lady inmates?

Come on. I give 'em 15, 20 minutes

before they're all
pulling each other's hair

and begging us to come back inside.

- Ma'am.
- Mmm-hmm.

[in Spanish] You think
they care about us?

[inmates] No!

Do they care if we live or die?

- [inmates] No!
- "Do they care if we live or die?"

[in Spanish] They care about money!

[in English] "They
care about the money."

[inmates] Sí!

- [in English] "Yes."
- I got that.

[Maria in Spanish] We
are done getting sh*t on.

From now on, we're the
ones doing the sh1tting!

- [inmates cheering]
- [in English] "We are the shitters."

Yeah, everything sounds
better in Spanish.

[Maria in Spanish] We're here,

in this situation, 'cause of
how they been running this place,

and now that we in charge,

we gonna do better.

[inmates cheering]

[in English] Speak English!

Fine.

This m*therf*cking
meeting is called to order!

[inmates cheering]

Welcome to Litchfield 2.0!

Still busted-ass, but
getting better by the minute.

- [inmates laughing]
- [Maria] Now,

because you're such a
special f*cking audience,

we got a free riot giveaway for you.

Now don't fight, okay?

You get a phone, you get a phone,

- you get a phone!
- [inmates cheering]

You get a phone!

Ass phones, toti
phones... Everybody gets a phone!

[laughs] Not everybody.
Don't say everybody.

Lots of people get phones!

[in Spanish] Welcome to
the 21st century, b*tches.

You got chargers?

We got no power, pendeja.
Use 'em till they die.

[scoffs]

Well, that was pretty exciting, huh?

[inmates cheering]

I can't hear you!

[inmates cheering loudly]

Now, hold onto your pants because we
got something real special comin' up.

Hey, bring 'em in!

[inmates laughing and cheering]

Any of you little b*tches
let go of that rope,

we sh**t you in the head.

- [cheering continues]
- [Dixon] Don't push me.

You know, I'm having, like, a
total kindergarten flashback.

The sh**ting in the head part,
or the holding the rope part?

Both.

You're stepping on my foot.

It's not like I'm doing
it on purpose. I can't see.

- Okay, I'm out.
- Sit, sit, sit.

Do you really wanna call
attention to us right now?

Are those actual guards?

This all we got?

[in Spanish] There's two
still locked in the kitchen

with those bald b*tches.

Oh.

Too bad...

[in English] They're
gonna miss all the fun.

Strip search.

[inmates laughing]

You just love yelling
sh*t out, don't you?

[inmates laughing]

[inmates cheering]

How are you holding up, pretty lady?

Uh, where's Dr. DePalma?

He had to run,

but we will take very good care of you.

Oh, you can't fool me. You're a nurse.

She cuts hair.

Well, lucky for you.

If you're nice, I'll fix
that mess on your head.

Looks like Danita's work.

How's the pain, scale of one to ten?

[grunts] Six.

- [stammers] Maybe seven.
- There's no wrong answer.

- [air hissing from device]
- Oh.

BP's okay: 138/82.

Good.

[Adarsh] Burset?

- Sorry, sorry.
- [Velcro rips]

Where'd you go?

I've been through something.

We can work on that.

There's people in real pain here.

You think he'll die?

I hope so.

He deserves it.

You think I deserve it?

He got in your head.

- Got in my head.
- Well, maybe he's already dead...

and we're already
dead, and this is limbo.

It does kinda look like it.

[door opens]

Change his IV bag. I'll
hook up his catheter.

You get all the fun stuff.

- Make sure you squeeze out the bubbles.
- I know.

- It's not my first rodeo.
- [Suzanne] Yeah, um...

Are we in limbo?

Sure as sh*t we in limbo.

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm.

If you ask me...

this looks like a pretty
nasty group of criminals.

[inmates cheering]

And they're gathering in
groups of four or more.

- [inmates cheering]
- So where should we start first?

Chocolate City, huh?

[inmates cheering]

Or Vanilla Suburbs?

[inmates groaning]

- Looks like we have a winner.
- [inmates cheering]

Oh, but wait a minute.

Isn't that racial profiling?

[inmates] Yes.

But we don't do that
here in Litchfield, right?

[inmates agreeing]

- Look what I found.
- Oh! Whoa.

Looks like somebody's going in the hole.

[indistinct chatter]

You want me to go in his hole?

No, no, hold off. We
gotta build to that.

That's actually my insulin.

My insulin now, Chocolate City.

I'm from rural Michigan.

Let's check out the
suburbs now, shall we?

- [inmates cheering]
- Yeah, that's right, ladies...

[Luschek] Oh, no.

Go deep.

Who knows what weapons
he could be hiding, huh?

[in Spanish] Oh, sh*t, his d*ck's hard.

[in English] What? Oh!

That happens when I get scared.

Or turned on.

Please. I gave you tampons.

- [gasps]
- We have a bond.

Relax! You have a nice figure.
Don't get all body shamey.

Your boobs are real creamy.

[Maritza] Mmm-hmm.

[Maria] Looks like we
haven't found that much yet.

What else could we do?

[Boyle] Go spelunking.

The f*ck is that?

Cave dive!

[inmates cheering]

I'm not sure I like prison.

Oh, come on. Give it a chance.

You don't think that
they're really gonna...

[Alex] Hmm...

This kinda reminds me of pledge week.

- f*ck Sankey, I guess.
- [Stratman] Mmm-mmm.

No, you gotta look past the hair, man.

I mean, imagine the big
one with Sankey's hair.

So you glue her scalp onto her head,

you got a Pamela f*cking Anderson.

Pamela who?

[scoffs] What, really?

Who did you wank to, growing up?

We, uh, weren't allowed.

Yeah, no one's allowed, man.

[Brandy] Hey, you suck.

You and your stupid blue shirt.

She's talking about you.

Uh, what're you doing?

Haven't you heard of negging?
It's a seduction technique.

Hey, I f*ckin' hate you.

Um, okay.

[both chuckling]

Helen?

I'm winking.

That's blinking. You're
blinking. Winking is one eye.

[Brandy] That's batting. She's batting.

- [Helen] Winking.
- [Sankey] Blinking.

[Brandy] Batting.

Oh, wait. No, now it
looks like she's got a tic.

- She's ticking.
- [Sankey stammers] Just cut it out.

- [blows]
- [Blake] It's all subjective, man.

Come on, look at her tits!
How are those subjective?

And she got those DSLs, you know?

[stutters] Digital subscriber lines?

d*ck-sucking lips. Jesus, man!

Is there even come in these veins?

- Huh? Yeah?
- Shut up! I have come!

[Sankey] It's not gonna
get better than this, boys.

[Blake and Stratman laughing]

[chuckles] All right,
moment of truth. [sniffles]

Got it. f*ck Helen, marry
Sankey, and then you k*ll Brandy.

Nah, I gotta say...

f*ck Sankey, marry Helen,

k*ll Brandy.

Man, I am not made of stone.

You and me, blondie. Let's do this.

[chuckles]

- Wait, I thought this was a hypothe...
- [dart stabs]

[grunts] What was that?

- Oh, f*ck. It's a f*cking dart!
- Well, get it out. Get it out, man!

[Stratman stammers] All right.

There you go. Got it.

[yells] Motherfuck! Oh!

[Stratman grunts]

Hey, nice knowing you, boys.

What? Hey! What do you mean, huh?

Well, the poison acts quick.
Better save your strength.

[chuckling]

[Lloyd] Show me Polaris.

There. In Ursa Minor's tail.

And how do you find south?

Orion.

Daddy, this is little-girl stuff.

And you're my little girl.

Name the stars in his belt.

Alnitak, Alnilam, Mintaka.

Okay, wise guy.

What do you do if it's a cloudy night?

- Hope for the best?
- [chuckles]

Sometimes, knowledge can be dangerous.

When you know the right
word for something,

it can make you overconfident,
dull your senses.

The planet always has
something to teach you.

The second you're sure you
know where you are, you're lost.

The second you're lost...

you're dead.

Told you to wear your dungarees.

You're gonna freeze
in that getup. [grunts]

I'm not cold. I'm fine.

You sure are cleanin' up there.

I'm only missing two. Ice
Skating and Troop Dramatics.

When you really know something...

you don't need a badge for it.

Bon appétit.

[birds chirping]

Dad!

Daddy.

Daddy!

Dad!

[tires screech]

- What the hell is this?
- Desi! They didn't get you.

- Boy, that's a load off.
- There have been sh*ts fired,

the inmates have seized the warden,

and you thought you'd throw
a f*cking tailgate party

in the parking lot? Jesus, Ricky.

The warden's in there?
How do you know that?

'Cause they made a f*cking video.

Think it might be time to storm?

If we storm, we're
only gonna escalate it.

So escalate it!

The best move is to let it die out.

They don't know what they're doing.

You don't know them like I do.

[inmates clamoring]

[Anita chuckles]

That is one gay table.

[chuckling]

Look how the napkins

match the little
gingerbread houses exactly.

- [both chuckle]
- [Red] If you like Christmas in Vienna,

wait till you see Arabian Fantasy.

[Anita gasps] Ooh!

[all laughing]

Man, for every year we in here
it's like 100 Internet years.

- Mmm.
- We ain't never gonna catch up.

We gonna be like my momma
tryin' to work her DVDs.

[Taystee] Like, now, there's
an app for scorin' dope.

You know how many b*tches in here would
be free people if they had that sh*t?

I make my daughter teach
me all the new stuff.

That helps a little.

You never said you had a daughter.

Well, you never asked.

[Janae] Oh, hold up.

We been retweeted.

Praise black Jesus!

- Show.
- All right. There's the link.

Hashtag.

"Black lattes matter."

- What?
- Lattes?

[music plays]

[Janae] Oh. [chuckles]

[slurping on video]

- [all chuckling]
- [Black Cindy] What the...

They ain't got me up
there with Sarah Palin...

- [sighs]
- [Alison] Whoa.

That sh*t is meta.

[Black Cindy] That
don't even make no sense.

"Black lattes matter"? Lattes got milk.

That's what make 'em lattes.
Ain't no "black latte,"

'cause that would make it,
like, iced coffee or somethin'.

[scoffs] That's a, uh... What
do you call that? Oxymormon?

[voice breaking] It's all a joke.

You okay, T?

The whole point...

was to tell the world about
Poussey. [breath trembling]

Tell 'em what happened to our girl, man!

People don't care!

[crying]

If we're already dead,

maybe it wouldn't be m*rder
if we k*lled him again.

[gasps] We could prop his feet
up a little bit above his head,

so the blood all goes to one end.

I hear that's really bad for you.

No, that could take a while.

We could take the
feathers out of his pillow

and savagely tickle him to death.

[scoffs] That's too gentle.

Or... we could get a
big jar of fire ants,

and they could nibble at him.

Yeah, better.

- But you should get some honey.
- [Suzanne] Honey?

Lead the ants where you want.

Do you want them to go in the
guy's ears and eat his brain?

Or his eyes?

You don't want ants wandering
all over. You want them organized.

- Where am I?
- Purgatory.

Really?

No!

Lezzies go straight to hell.

What are some other ways
you might k*ll someone?

Oh, you can get really creative.

In the Middle Ages, they
would do this cool thing.

They'd attach a cage full
of rats to a guy's stomach.

And then they'd put
candles on top of the cage,

and the rats would burrow into the
guy's stomach to escape the heat.

I had a scene like that in Time Hump,
except the rats were penises.

And it wasn't a stomach.

The Flesh Towers of Infamy.

It's not super practical, of course.

You gotta get a cage,
and you gotta get rats...

Sometimes it's best to just use
whatever's available on hand.

Come on!

Open the door, Flores.

Yeah.

I prefer not.

How'd you like ten more years in prison?

I don't mind it so much now
that we running the place.

[in Spanish] Go to the chapel. Tell
Maria the Jolly Gay Giant is back.

- [laughs]
- [scoffs]

[Piscatella in English]
When I get in there,

I'm going to personally take
you apart, Piscatella style.

[Blanca] If you can find me.

I know we all look alike to you.

Is this what you mean
by "Piscatella style"?

Is that supposed to embarrass me?

That took grand prize at
the Dutchess County Fair.

I could not be prouder.

The blind cannot see,
the proud will not.

Well, my vision's 20-20,
lady, and all I see is awesome.

And in a matter of minutes, we
are going to take back this prison,

and you are going to be
cooking roaches in Seg

for the rest of your sorry life.

Can you see that?

I see many things.

[Blanca] Is that a Russian proverb?

That blind-proud thing?

[Red] Real Russians have no proverbs.

We have vodka and misery.

Wait. That was a proverb.

[inmates chanting] Squat
and cough! Squat and cough!

Squat and cough!

- [Dixon whimpers] No, don't.
- [inmates cheering]

My bad, ladies. Seriously.

Lesson learned. Mea f*ckin' culpa.

[chuckling] Look at his Smurf d*ck.

How is it a Smurf d*ck? Smurfs are blue.

It's not not blue.

[in Spanish] It's
small with a droopy hat.

That's Smurf enough for me.

[in English] Hey, Cabrera, you got this.

[Maria chuckles]

Really? You don't wanna?

[scoffs] A good leader delegates.

[inmates cheering]

- Looks like we goin' to fifth base.
- Oh, Jesus.

Don't worry. I got talented fingers.

[whimpers] Oh, please. I'm so sorry.

[crying]

Please stop. There's nothing in there.

[grunts]

[whispers] Yo, this is
getting kinda messed up.

Yeah, if they're gonna k*ll
'em, they should just k*ll 'em.

- How're you okay with this?
- I'm not...

I'm not okay with this, Alex. We
just need to be quiet, or they'll...

I'm not gonna be quiet.
This is f*cking insane.

[smacks lips] I don't
wanna be a part of this.

Most of us have done nothing wrong yet,

so why should we all go down
because Diaz sh*t a guard?

[Maria] Lots of us did
sh*t we're guilty for.

- Not just Daya.
- [inmates murmuring]

Good luck with your Rumsfeld
dinner theater. I'm out.

[in Spanish] The big gay is back!

Piscatella?

- [in English] He's trying to storm.
- Let him.

We could take down that walking tree.

[inmates clamoring]

Great, so more of us can end up
like the little black hooch maker?

How does Ruiz always end up in charge?

We gotta look into that.

You think you can do better?

I can't answer that right
now. I gotta think about it.

[Guerrera] Just sh**t Piscatella.

- We got the g*n, don't we?
- [inmates] Yeah.

Oh, so you're in charge now?

Never take on a heckler.

[inmates clamoring]

Ah! Enough!

The g*n ain't gonna b*at all
the g*ns they got out there.

What we got are hostages.

If it wasn't for them, they'd have
b*rned this place down already.

And whatever you feel
about what Daya did,

the only way out is
for us to come together.

We gotta show them on the
outside that we got their people,

and they're fine now,
but that could change.

It'll buy us time.

Time?

To figure out what the f*ck we gonna do.

Who else we got out there?

The black girls have Caputo.

Those guards in the kitchen. The
one with the hair you wanna sit on?

[in Spanish] And the
one with the hot mouth.

Hair sitting? [in English] Is that a thing?

[in Spanish] Everything's a thing.

[in English] And Humps.

f*ckin' Humps.

Time for a family photo.

Best day ever.

This is better than the time my mom
let me babysit my little sister...

[in Spanish] and I made her eat Alpo
Gravy Cravers wet dog food for dinner.

She was a little bitch.

[in English] I really
wanna just take a nap.

Come on! You the gangsta with the g*n.

Bangers don't nap.

You're tired a lot lately. You
should maybe check your iron.

What if Caputo doesn't
wanna come with us?

Dude used to be a boxer or some sh*t.

So, then you point the g*n at his
head and he'll change his mind.

[sighs] If I tell you something,
will you promise not to tell Maria?

Yeah, okay.

It's gone.

- You not tired anymore?
- The g*n?

I lost it.

How do you lose a g*n?

I don't know. Somebody knocked me out.

I wake up, and I'm this person
who's supposed to have power,

and I just f*cking sh*t someone.

[in Spanish] sh*t, I
hate when people cry.

[in English] Hey, hey,
it's okay. It's okay.

We've all pretended to have
g*ns that we don't have.

- Right?
- Sure.

I'll show you how I make
everyone think I got a g*n.

I'm like a expert.

[Dayanara sighs]

One thing I know, never let them
move you to a second location.

That's when they k*ll you.

Nobody's k*lling anybody.

They need us alive to negotiate.

Uh, think of any hostage movie ever.

The hostages always die.

They act like whiny
b*tches, and then they die.

What're you talking
about? Hostages never die.

Air Force One, they're safe.

Speed, safe.

Well, what about the
black guy driving a bus?

That's one.

And the black guy in
as*ault on Precinct 13?

And the black guard in Dog
Day has an asthma att*ck.

I'm sensing a pattern here.

What, are you saying we're
safe because we're white?

If we were in a movie, I'd say that.

But we're not in a movie.

[Alison] Horror movies are even worse.

Black one's always toast.

And by the way, one of the hostages

does die in Air Force One.

Which one?

The PR person.

Oh, yeah.

[Josh] Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t.

- You gotta hand them over.
- [scoffs]

We ain't gotta nothin'.

I got a g*n that says you do.

Cool down, Diaz.

I think we should
settle this with words.

This is how we show the
outside that we got power.

"We together and we got hostages.

- What you gonna do?"
- [Taystee] Negative.

Not interested.

[grunts] Y'all give
us a second. Come on.

Come here.

- [clicks tongue]
- [Black Cindy sighs]

We agreed we didn't wanna
mess with the guard sh**t.

- We got a good thing here.
- Do we?

'Cause it kinda feel like
we ain't gettin' nowhere.

And everybody else gettin' somewhere!

Look, I know it ain't what you pictured,
but, yo, we got a chance to be heard.

And I ain't talking about
no Internet-bullshit heard.

I'm talking about Obama
'08 hopey-changey heard.

Y'all look, workin' across tribes,

bein' postracial and sh*t.

Yo, it's what P would've wanted.

[sighs]

Yo, look at Cindy talkin'
postracial and fartin' rainbows.

There's more strength in
a single, unified message.

I mean... [stammers]
y'all need to listen to me.

I'm like six sh'mahs
away from bein' a rabbi.

Mmm.

[sighs]

[exhales heavily]

We're in.

But we move 'em ourselves.
And they still ours.

Works for us.

Get ready, kids.

We goin' on a trip.

I can't even see anybody.
You sure this is the place?

She said they'd bring
Judy out a side entrance,

dodge the paparazzi.

- Dodge the paparazzi?
- I don't know.

I'm checking the other side.

Fine.

So, how are you feeling
about the homecoming?

I've been doin' my stamina exercises.

[chuckles] Yeah.

Two months for that conjugal visit.

Tonight's gonna be like
a trip to Splash Mountain.

- See?
- Oh, yeah.

- Other entrance.
- Yeah.

[indistinct chatter on radio]

[inmates laughing]

[Brook] Hey! What... what are you doing?

Making an awesome fort in B-Dorm.

- Those aren't yours!
- We're borrowing them!

- No!
- This is a library.

[pants] Stop!

[grunts]

[breathes heavily and gasps]

No, these are hers.

What?

Get it? They're hers!

Well, are you gonna
f*cking say anything?

Noise canceling. Sorry, what?

These things really work.

[Brook sobbing]

[door closes]

- I feel weird.
- Does your mouth taste like metal?

Wolfsbane, such a useful flower.

The Greeks used it to
poison their arrows.

Two thousand years later, the Germans
used it to poison their b*ll*ts.

We should really go to medical.

Yeah, we go out there,
they're all gonna k*ll us.

The fun thing about wolfsbane is,

it works from the outside in.

Most people feel a little
tingle in the fingertips first,

as the smallest nerves are paralyzed.

Then, it makes its way, ever
so slowly, to your heart,

closing around it like an icy fist.

Something to look forward to.

- sh*t, I feel the finger thing.
- Me, too.

It's not too painful as deaths go.

Except the part where your
lungs deflate like an old condom.

Oh, f*ck!

Of course, I'd be happy
to mix you some antidote

if I wasn't trapped in this closet
with two cue balls and a dirty mop.

What do we do?

[stammers] f*ck it. Let her out.

- Yeah.
- [coughs]

All right, the rest of
you stay the f*ck back!

- [Blake grunting]
- What the f*ck?

- [grunting]
- [groaning]

[Stratman] Oh, Jesus!
Get the f*ck off of me.

Team! Work!

[Stratman grunting]

Hey, give us the antidote!

[grunts] We had a deal!

You really think wolfsbane
was just growing in the pantry?

- Suckers.
- [panting] You mean...

[Sankey laughing]

You are one bad bitch.

So long, girls.

And by the way,

f*ck Stratman, marry
Blake, k*ll Piscatella.

She wants to f*ck me. Ow!

[birds chirping]

♪ Nature Scouts are on the go ♪

♪ Watch us sprout and watch us grow ♪

♪ Hiking, camping, crafts galore ♪

♪ And we make the tasty s'mores ♪

♪ Sound off sound off ♪

[water flowing]

[breathing heavily]

Yeah, speaking of honey,

the ancient Persians did this
thing where they would take a guy,

put him in an old hollowed-out
tree trunk and plant him in a swamp.

Then cover him in honey,
and after a few days,

between the honey and his own feces,

the maggots would really go to town.

You know a lot about history.

[Humphrey] Oh, yeah.

You gotta know what comes before you.

The Chinese invented this
thing called Lingchi.

Oh, pickled cabbage, right?

Kinda spicy?

Lingchi.

It means death of a thousand cuts.

What they'd do is start by cutting
off all the unnecessary stuff,

the meat, like breasts and butts.

And they could basically keep you alive
till you were nothing but a b*ating heart.

It's all so boring now.

[breathing heavily] Those
were the golden days.

Sorry, I'm not sure I caught that.

[slurring] Those were the golden
days... [speaking indistinctly]

Um...

Oh, yo, nice Indian dude.

Little help!

[speaking indistinctly]

[Sophia] What's wrong with him?

Sir, try and repeat after me.

"Mary had a little lamb."

[Humphrey slurring] Mary...

[groans]

Looks like cerebral
ischemia. I need TPA, now.

- [Sophia] Copy that.
- [grunting]

[groaning]

Sometimes it's best to use
what's available on hand.

Like?

Like blowing oxygen bubbles in his IV.

[Humphrey grunting]

You're welcome.

[inmates clamoring in the distance]

[Anita] We're all rooting for you, sir.

Well, not really. This is awkward.

Keep walking.

You in flavor country.

- [chuckling]
- [woman] You like it?

[clamoring]

[Nicky] Incoming!

Hey, Caputo. Did you want me to
prescribe something for your dignity?

Oh, sh*t, that doesn't exist.

Yeah, but why not? Now,
that would be useful.

[Big Boo] Oh, say it ain't so, Joe.

Yo, they're the last ones.
I think we got them all.

Hey, that makes sense
because we haven't seen

any guards around here,

and if we had... 'cause
we would've caught 'em.

And we would've not given 'em
any love or any candy, huh?

Right?

You should've been in the CIA. I
mean, you really missed your calling.

[Ouija in Spanish] This is not good.

Not. Good.

He looks like someone left
a cake out in the rain.

[gasps] I love that song.

Me, too!

[both humming]

- [in English] Speak English, you guys.
- [both] Sorry.

So what's wrong with him, anyway?

He's had a stroke.

It's difficult to assess the
extent of the damage at this point.

It is?

Well, we're taking him
anyway. Don't try to stop us.

Nobody's stopping you.

She doesn't have to
point that thing at us.

[whispers] I think it's just her finger.

No, it's not.

[opera music playing on stereo]

Daddy?

[Lloyd] Fifteen and a half hours.

- Did you make a mistake?
- No.

Frieda.

I went swimmin'.

In the future, there
won't be room for mistakes.

- You think the Reds make mistakes?
- No.

They're on the move now. See?

I picked up their sonar.

I'm hungry.

Me, too.

We'll heat up some TV dinners.

Give your mama a kiss.

It won't be long now, baby girl.

It'll be fast and it'll be terrible.

No one else in this damn country
understands, not even McCarthy.

But they're gonna get
a heavy dose of reality.

They're all gonna come
knocking on that door up there,

begging to be let in.

But you'll be strong.

You'll be ready.

[inmates clamoring in the distance]

[grunting]

[exhales heavily]

[sighs]

Lookee what we found!

- I can't believe you bit me.
- Delicious. [chuckles]

I don't ever wanna be
this close to him again,

unless I'm kicking him.

Don't be scared. I
think his brain broke.

Put one on his eye lid.

- Like, to lift it.
- Hmm.

[both laughing]

That's not bad. We could
be, like, plastic surgeons.

It's not Demi Moore good, but at
least it's, like, Meg Ryan good.

- Yeah, so we ready?
- Maybe a little eyeliner?

You know, to wake his eyes up.

Yo, stop f*cking around.

- Get him on stage.
- [Flaca and Maritza sigh]

[in Spanish] This ain't over.

When we're done with you,

your outside's gonna match your insides.

[Flaca chuckles]

[in English] Hey. Please.

It's a religious thing.

What are you? A priest or something?

I said strip.

- Please, I...
- Daya!

Get the f*cking g*n!

Am I supposed to take it
out for every little thing?

Yeah, that's kind of the deal.

[Gloria] Well, maybe she's right.

You don't want it to lose
its impact or whatever.

Either you take 'em
off or we cut 'em off.

Hmm?

[unzips]

[inmates cheering and laughing]

Would you look at those bloomers!

It's a temple garment.

What are you... what are you? Mormon?

Still hot.

What the hell?

You don't f*cking have it, do you?

Have what?

[Gloria] Maria.

[in Spanish] Later.

[Taystee] All right, everybody closer.

Everybody get in. We
need to see everybody.

[Luschek groans]

Can we do this? I... I really gotta pee.

Quiet, boner boy.

Do landscape, not portrait.

What the hell is that?

Sideways, not upways.

[Black Cindy] "Upways"?

Anybody else got any helpful tips?

No!

Good. All right.

Everybody say, "Cheese!"

- Cheese.
- Don't f*cking say chee...

[camera shutter clicks]

[rock music playing]