05x03 - Pissters!

[bunniefuu]

[cell door slams]

[theme song playing]

[cell door slams]

[cell door slams]

[dogs growling and barking]

[panting]

[Bill Bayley] Ma'am, this
is a pet grooming facility.

Yeah... Yeah, no, it does
sound like Fancy's very sick.

But you need to find a
vet to put her down,

I don't do that.

Hey, son, do me a favor.

Grab me a bottle of
Black Dahlia, will you?

Yeah... No, I can understand
the confusion, ma'am.

It's "dyeing," with an "E"?

Yeah, that's fine.

Good luck, ma'am.

Am I a monster, Dad?

Aw, crud.

She must be in heat.

Hormones will hink up the dye.
Do me a favor.

Pour me out a mess of the
Hautedog Tender Green.

And pour in some Profound
Blue if it's too pea soupy.

These people are weirdly
particular about the gradient.

I didn't even want to take this job,

given this type's proclivities

Reefer, like it's oxygen.

I swear, you will go
broke in this business

trying to stick to your principles.

Hell, I put a stud vest on a poodle
for a couple of fruits last week.

[chuckles]

Mr. Caputo told me to leave, but I...
I didn't listen.

Come on, now. You know,
life is complicated.

This one time, I lost a shih tzu.
Beautiful animal.

I was supposed to cage her
alone, but I muffed up,

put her in with a goldie,
was dyed like a lion.

Bam! Heart att*ck.

Christ, Bax, where are your gloves?
That is semi-permanent dye.

Go inside, wash up, and rub 'em good,
or it's gonna stain for weeks.

[Jack] This is one hell of a mess.

What's going on with this guy's face?

[Piscatella on speakerphone]
Sir, with respect,

we have minutes till
this thing turns ugly.

All I need is a lean force,

maybe a half dozen men in
full gear, and your go-ahead.

It'll be a quick operation.

- Minimal casualties.
- Desi?

I got two men here. Say
they're waiting on Judy King.

Wait. King's still inside?

Son of a whore. If Judy King is inside,
nobody storms anything, you hear me?

We wait this out.

[Piscatella] Sir?

We get their demands
and shut this down.

Before any more pictures
like this get out.

[sighs and stammers] Lucky they
didn't put King in the hostage photo.

Christ!

We were supposed to pick her
up, like, a couple hours ago...

- Guys, why don't we step out here?
- I know you got a lot on...

Why don't we step behind
the line over here?

I really appreciate your patience, guys.
Thank you so much for your patience.

[inmates shouting]

Y'all are gettin' distracted here.

We got to keep focus on Bayley.

I wanna see the fetus-faced
f*ck go down bad as anyone.

But we ain't got much time before
they start bringin' in the tanks.

Might as well take advantage.

What you mean "ain't got much time"?
We got hostages.

Yeah, but it's still a
clock on all of this

if we're gonna be real about it.

Hey, hey!

I don't think that's how
it's supposed to fit.

Look, you just worry about
digging out your burqa, bitch.

How many times I gotta tell you,
we're not all the same kinda Muslim?

Yes! Bruce Lee! [laughs]

[Janae] Come on, T. Get
it while it's good.

Classic Air Max?

Oh, sh*t.

Please, please, please be my size.

Please be my size.

[gasps]

[giggles]

Yo, this is like Christmas!

[all laugh]

[sing-song] Cinde-f*ckin'-rella!

[laughing]

Oh, man.

I'll save this for Suzanne,
for when she feelin' better.

[Piscatella on megaphone]
Attention, inmates of Litchfield.

In an effort to resolve this
quickly and without v*olence,

we are ready to hear your demands.

To repeat,

inmates of Litchfield, we are
ready to hear your demands.

[speaking Spanish] He saying
we get to ask for sh*t now!

[scoffs]

[Piscatella] We are ready
to hear your demands.

[Leanne] Hey, did you hear that?

All I hear is ringing.

What the f*ck did they give us?

Uh, something about commands?

Or demands?

He's ready to... spear our hands? What?

Oh, sh*t!

- Are they gonna crucify us?
- [laughs]

[sing-song] Ah!

Or maybe it was ants.

He's ready to something some ants?

I have these aunts... back in Boston.

And I'm pretty sure they're witches

because, this one time,

I went over to the house and they
were making this big pot of...

Oh! Oh, I know what he said.

De-pants! [laughs]

Molester! [laughing]

[gasps and screams]

Yours are prettier than mine.

So pink... I got an idea!

[softly] Take that.

[Leanne panting]

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Dress up like COs and pull
everybody's pants down? [laughs]

COs Taylor and Rice reporting for duty!

[indistinct chatter]

Ow!

Watch out.

[Digori] Hey, candy bars.

Yeah. Nice phone.

Wanna trade?

What else you got?

- Yeah. Mmm-hmm.
- Yeah?

- [Pennsatucky] Done. Can I have those?
- [Digori] No.

Consider yourself de-pantsed, inmate.
[chuckles]

Oh, oh, can we borrow your phone?
I wanna make crank calls.

No, you just pantsed me. So f*ck y'all!
f*ck y'all.

But we wanna call bars
and ask for Helda d*ck.

Or Helda Cocken-Meehan. [laughs]

- I think that's better.
- [Leanne laughs]

I get it.

Hey, y'all should be really careful
in those types of outfits,

'cause one time, my cousin,

she stole a mall cop's
badge and she got caught.

And she went to juvie
her whole growin' up

because she stole an
entire rack of tube tops

from Contempo Casual. [chuckles]

Yeah, yeah, we know. Power erupts.

Hurry the f*ck up, inmates.

Yeah, ain't you hear? We
get whatever we want now.

[inmates cheering]

Which one of you stink?

Luschek pissed himself.

I told you guys I had to go.

I'm sorry. I was born with
an oversized prostate.

It's a burden, but it makes
for any a**l stim... [grunts]

Not another word, piss-bitch.

You guys, get the sh*t
out of the bubble.

- No, don't do that.
- What? I made it up.

Still, you could be sending
messages and not even know it.

I did this once to a guy,

you know, to, like, show him that
I thought he had a small d*ck,

and he thought I was a Crip.

[Maritza] Like you'd be
anything but a Sureño.

What an idiot.

I think I'm gonna ask for a
contouring palette as my demand.

[gasps] Get an Amazon Wish List.

That way they know the brand to get you,

and they don't buy you that cheap
sh*t that makes you break out.

- Let's go!
- But, seriously, I need my insulin.

- Get in.
- Can you untie us at least?

It'll be crowded in there.

You can't leave us in there
without any food or water.

At least water.

[Dayanara] Drink each other's spit.

Get your ass...

Something about this one, though.

[Ouija sighs]

Hmm.

[Dayanara] Flaritza!

Take that one to medical. I'm
sick of lookin' at his face.

My hair hasn't looked this bad since
White Trash Bash sophomore year.

We need to work on your posture.

I have an anterior pelvic tilt.

You have anterior white privilege.

You look like you have
too much to live for.

Walk with oppression.

Let me see some persecution
in those shoulders.

[Alex] All right, great.

Can we go now?

You. Not you, Lassie.

You've officially graduated the
Vauseman Finishing School.

Mazel tov.

You can't abandon me.

Alex, would it k*ll us
to let her tag along?

Plus, we can use her as a human shield
when they bust in with all the AK-47s.

[chuckles] No, MCC would
never, never have AKs.

Those are, like, $600 a pop...

Sometimes $560 if you can find a sale.

Great, so we don't even
rate a semiautomatic.

Let's go. She's deadweight.

I'll tell MCC... about the dead guard.

I heard you in the stall.

I know that you have involvement.

Be my guest.

- Tell the world.
- [gasps]

We're just being nice.
She's just being nice.

Don't be ungrateful. You don't know me.

I'm grateful. I'm so grateful.

[Meggan] Seriously?

Are you f*cking kidding
me with this, Little?

Of course it didn't fly at Liquor Barn.

Yolanda f*cking Ono?

It says here you weigh 180.

Any idiot knows Alpha Zeta Delta won't
even consider potentials above 135.

Now I have to go and get
all six kegs myself?

I'm so sorry, Meggs. I
totally let you down.

You disappoint one of us,
you disappoint all of us.

Tell it to the group.

Sisters, I apologize from
the bottom of my heart.

[stammering]

I know you were counting on
me, and I totally messed up,

and I will do everything in
my power to make it up to you

because your love and respect, it
really means everything to me.

[whimpering]

I'm really sorry.

Ugh... pick up your face.

All right, beeyotches!

I know you all got Tammy's
letter in your boxes,

yet I'm still seeing, like, a
thousand N-O's around this room.

So to recap...

I don't care how cold it is outside.

No hideous puffy coats. No pants.

And no flat-ass f*cking hair.
I mean, Jesus H...

Yeah, I'm talking to you,
tits-on-a-stick Stacey.

I don't care if you have to stand in
front of a mirror for three hours

teasing the sh*t out of it!

I wanna see some f*cking volume when
those Phi Sigs walk in tonight.

I mean...

this is the meaning
of sisterhood, right?

We owe it to each other as
strong, independent women

to maintain this chapter's reputation
as the raddest chicks on campus.

'Cause you're an Alpha girl now!

Who's with me?

[girls] All for one, and one for Alpha!

Let me hear some noise!

[girls] All for one and one for Alpha!

[all cheering]

Try not to say anything or
make eye contact with anybody.

Especially the Latinas.

And come up with some
kind of a backstory.

Not that you should tell anybody.

Except if you need to.

Uh...

What's the very worst
thing you've ever done?

I...

Have you ever broken the law?

Honestly, I've always
been a pretty good girl.

One time, in college, I
got busted for a fake ID.

[Piper] Great!

You're in for forgery.

[clamoring]

Damn, it's like Black Friday in here.

[clicks tongue] Those
sales are r*cist as sh*t.

Make us fight over cheap TVs while
white folks sit at home eating turkey,

laughin' at us on the news.

No. White, black,
Puerto Rican, Jewish...

we all like us a 75%-off plasma screen.

Why you think they call
it "Black Friday"?

I say we tell 'em we ain't lettin'
no one else in this prison

until Bayley is in chains.

That's our demand.

- I'm cool with that.
- [Janae] Me, too.

Hold up. That's our only demand?

You got somethin' more important?

No. I just think we have
an opportunity here.

I mean, he did say "demands"...

plural.

Why not think bigger?

A'ight, yeah, I get you.

Let's talk about creature comforts.

New unis, softer sheets...

Reese's Pieces. Mmm, you
ever had them fried?

I think you mean "Ree-see's Pee-see's."

What's a Pee-see?

[scoffs]

And Bayley, obviously.

Fry him up, too.

Also, we have to get everyone's
demands to make it count.

And why we gotta include everyone?
P was our girl.

Yeah, but this ain't only our riot.

Worst thing you can do

is take another woman's voice
when she's finally found it.

Even if she's drivin' you crazy,

messin' up your house,
sleepin' in your bed, even.

You can't deny her the
right to say her piece,

or sh*t can get real dark real fast.

She right, T.

If we don't work together...

every day's gonna be Black
Friday in this bitch.

She hasn't responded to our texts.

Look, if he's not gonna do anything,
I'm marching in there myself.

Easy there, Tony Stark.
We need to stay calm.

How can I stay calm when my
wife's trapped in there, Bill?

Sir!

It has been hours, and we
have seen zero sign of Judy.

We are extremely concerned.

About Judy King? Have you met her?

Gentlemen, there's
nothing to worry about.

This will all be settled
in a matter of hours.

Why... why don't you go get some dinner?

By the time you get back,
she'll be all ready to go.

You hear that, Reg?

It's gonna be okay.

I promise you, Judy is fine.

I am not fine! [scoffs]

Are you eatin'?

You do not eat during my billable
hours, you son of a bitch!

Now find me a helicopter

and a blindfold for my flicker vertigo,
and get me the f*ck out of here.

Thing One and Thing Two are right
outside. Best to hang tight.

I'm sure they'll have
you out of there soon.

They can't get to me.
I can't get to them.

[sighs] It's getting dark.

These ladies are armed and angry.

Leeson, I am not playing games.

I don't know if I'm gonna
survive the night.

[Judy sighs]

Fucker! I can hear you chewing!

They're gonna come get
us any minute, right?

f*ck yeah. Piscatella's
gonna take care of it.

Piscatella's not taking
care of anything.

[inmates clamoring]

He's never stepping foot
in my prison again.

This doesn't look like your
prison anymore, does it, Boss?

Not that it ever was.

The way you let these
animals walk all over us.

Oh, this is my fault? Huh?

Which one of you geniuses
brought in a f*cking g*n?

That's what started all this.

Actually, I'm pretty sure it was your

off-script press
conference there, Chief.

[sighs] Come on, guys. Lay off.

- Oh, shut up, piss-bitch.
- [chuckles]

Look, you wanna go after Caputo, fine.

But I think the real problem is
these crazy b*tches have a g*n.

Actually, I'm not so sure they do.

[keys jangle]

Flores?

What?

What are you doing?

Reading guard files.

Knowledge is power.

Have you, by any chance,

come across the name "Wes Driscoll"?

I think the Almas has his
initials tattooed on his wrist.

I smell something.

Almas?

Yes, you know, ape-man.

What do you people call it, hmm?
Bigfoot? Yeti?

Hairy, neckless sadist
with pituitary issues?

Carahuevo.

[gasps]

- That's a Bigfoot?
- [scoffs]

[Blanca] Penis face.

Oh, yeah.

- That is one penis face.
- [chuckles]

- [inmates shouting]
- [clattering]

Hey.

Hey!

Hey!

[shouting and clattering stop]

Everyone! Clear the f*ck out!

Mama's gonna make everybody dinner

while everyone else in this
prison loses their f*cking mind.

Mira, let's go!

sh*t.

[grunts]

You two, stay and help me.

[in English] Put on some aprons.

Not that food safety's our
main concern these days.

[clears throat]

Nah, chica.

But I'm hungry.

Oh, you worked up an appetite
playing Scarface, huh?

That don't mean you
get to skip the line.

We all in this together now,
thanks to you and that g*n.

Look, I gotta tell you something.

I lost it. The g*n.

Somebody took it from me.

Good, then it's not
your problem no more.

Go on. Chop.

And from now on, you stay by me.
Outta trouble.

Wow. This is a big Kn*fe.

You know what?

Why don't you go stir the pot?
'Cause you're good at that.

[cookware clattering]

- [soothing music playing]
- We'll alternate between intercostal

and diaphragmatic breathing.

Take a deep inhale...

[both inhale deeply]

...and we'll hold it for a count of ten.

One, two...

[coughing]

[wheezing] Clearly, it's working great.

[coughs]

Think of this as nature's CPAP machine.

Now when you inhale,

make sure to contract your lower abs

- and squeeze your Kegels.
- [cell phone chimes]

New one from Reg.

"Concerned about you.

Yearning for you back."
Blah, blah, blah...

Oh! There's a thing about
him wanting to watch Bill

"fill her out like an
application" later tonight.

[sighs] Classic Reg.

Textbook compersion.

Textbook what now?

Oh, it's that feeling you get
watching someone you love...

- make love to...
- [cell phone chimes]

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...
Bill this time.

"Relieved to hear you're
being well taken care of.

- "Heading out for din."
- [gasps]

"Will procure numnums for our lady

from wherever we end up."

That bitch!

I knew it.

While we're suffering this depravity,

she's off somewhere getting
the golden riot treatment.

You think they have food there? 'Cause
I'd like some numnums for myself.

Oh, they're probably peeling
her grapes. Come on!

We're finding the Judy King panic room.

Hey, Heat Miser.

You fading out on me?
We have work to do.

Oh. [sighs]

[sighs]

Oh...

[pills clattering]

What is this?

"All natural energy supplement"?

Vitamins. I found them
in the guard's locker.

Took one earlier. They work pretty good.

Where did you get this?

It tastes so... green.

McCullough's doing a cleanse.

[inmates yelling]

[gate clangs]

I know it's dinnertime.

No, past dinnertime, actually.

Now, I know this because
the sun has gone down

and we haven't even eaten yet.

I am not afraid of the dark. Mmm-hmm.

The universe is dark all the time.

Stars are what make it light.

So... it's always night,
depending on how hard you look.

Or day, depending on how you see it.

What's important is ghosts are not real.

[screaming] Ghost!

[gasps]

[breathing heavily]

[whimpers]

[both chuckling]

Oh! It's just Mrs. King.

- Pleasant evening to you, Madam.
- [chuckles]

[Judy panting]

[sighing] Oh!

These uniforms are so scratchy.

They're supposed to be
a cotton/poly blend,

but all I'm feeling is the poly.
[scoffs]

Not breathable at all. Am I right?

You know, I was saying
the same thing to Pipes.

We talk about fabric blends
in prison all the time.

You could help, you know.

Shh!

Yo, Vause, the f*ck was
that in the chapel?

Just exercising my First
Amendment rights, Ruiz.

Didn't mean to interrupt
your Gitmo t*rture parade.

Are you looking for a n*zi
happy face on your arm, too?

Right now, there's three
of us and one of you.

So are you sure you want
to be getting in my face?

[scoffs] You think
blonde Katy Perry and...

I never seen you before.

Um, I'm...

'Cause we all look like janky
versions of white celebrities to you.

Kinda. Yeah.

Uh, Von Barlow.

Pleasure to meet you. I'm the
Counterfeit c**t of Connecticut.

You mean, you're not a real c**t?

[chuckles]

So that means you can make fake sh*t?

[Linda] Birth certificates,
driver's licenses...

My specialty's a ten
dollar bill but, you know,

they go Tubman on me,
I might be screwed.

Yeah. What the f*ck is that, huh?

How about Cesar Chavez or Che?

You know, I know I don't
know you very well, but...

[clears throat]

you seem like the type of woman
who appreciates honesty.

I don't know who those guys are.

[laughs]

[chuckles]

You know what, Connecticunt?

Something different about you.

Rest of the white girls here?

f*cking...

- [upbeat music playing]
- [students] Blow, suck, blow...

Come on, little sis. I've gotta piss.

- Oh, I'm in the middle of...
- Hoes before suck and blows.

Let's go! We're pissters.

[Cute Jim] Wait! Come back soon.

[Meggan] I'm so wasted.

[groaning]

[Cute Jim] Yo, Linda!

- Hey! Yeah!
- You gotta get in here!

They're playing beer pong
with Other Jim's glass eye.

It's off the chain.

Okay, yo! We'll be right there!

- [groans]
- Hey, are you almost ready?

I'm trying. It's this f*cking UTI.

Maybe they got the rally towels
out of the house toilet,

- and we can use the house bathroom.
- [groaning]

[sighs] Come on, Meggs.
Pick up your face.

We've already missed, like,
20 minutes of action.

Come on, you're an Alpha.

A strong, independent woman.
"All for one and one for Alpha!"

Yeah!

Yes! Okay, awesome!

So you're good, right?

Are you good?

Okay, awesome. I'm outtie.

- [Meggan groaning]
- Good luck.

[Lorna] All right, so tell
me about your symptoms.

[inmate] I got back pain
and, uh, headaches.

Okay. Uh, Dr. Nicky,

we got some head pains
and some back pains.

Aah! Bullshit junkie.

Hey, give her some, uh, muscle relaxers.

It'll, uh, help with the crave,
give you a little bit of happy.

Possible side is some
numbness in your extremities.

Aw, look at you. So cute.

You're like one of those
commercials where they're like...

[mimicking TV announcer] "This will
help with your high blood pressure."

Possible side effects
will include nausea,

dizziness, a loss of will to live,

hives, feelings of anger, aggression,

tremors, dry mouth, insomnia and a limp.

"Enjoy your life without
high blood pressure!"

Can I have my dr*gs now?

Can I get my dr*gs now, too?

I wanna not feel this way anymore.

I'm sorry, all right.

[stammers] You can't cheat grief.

Unfortunately.

[stutters] I guess I can give
you some sleeping pills, huh?

But you're gonna have
to wake up eventually.

[sighs]

I can give you some Klonopin,

or whatever expired off-brand
sh*t version they have here,

and, uh, you know, you'll feel
good and numb for a while,

but then you'll spill a glass of
water or trip on your shoelace,

find yourself weeping for
four hours, no idea why.

I mean, uh, I could
give you some Dilaudid.

Nah, you're gonna get
addicted to heroin,

get sent down to Max for doing
some stupid junkie sh*t,

find yourself sucking off a CO
in a closet for one last hit,

and, you know, maybe realize that
you were just hopelessly in love

with an incredible,
insane, beautiful woman

who's never going to love you back.

It is just not worth it.

[sighs]

Uh, I'm sorry, um...

[stutters] my notes have you
with a herpes outbreak.

That's a drag. They have you
on the daily Valtrex, huh?

[indistinct chatter]

[inmates laughing]

Excuse me!

[Taystee] Hey!

[Alison] Excuse me!

Everyone!

- Hey!
- Hello!

[inmates gasping]

- [chatter subsides]
- Thank you.

Now all you b*tches quiet down

so my Muslim friend here
can talk a little bit.

[murmuring]

Um... yeah.

So we been talking,

and we have a plan we'd
like to run by all of you

concerning the demands.

[scoffs] Who put you in charge?

[murmuring]

Why should we listen to some
dark bitch in a headdress?

That ain't a headdress, n*zi.

I'm not a n*zi. She's a n*zi.

Everybody shut the f*ck up.

The thing is... we got hostages.

So that means we get to make demands.

Now, we can do this two ways.

One, like a bunch of animals,
like how they treat us.

Or two, like civilized human beings.

Like how we want them to treat us.

She's right.

Even if we really all split
and hatin' on each other,

they can't know that or
we lose all our power.

If we wanna turn this place right, we
have to speak as one united group.

Exactly.

The way we see it, this is our one
chance to make this f*cking hellhole

slightly less hellhole-ish.

- So, uh, dream big, ladies.
- [Taystee] Let's do it.

No idea is a bad idea.

No more guard fingers up my assh*le.

- [cheering]
- [Carreras] Really uncomfortable to me.

No more random cavity searches. Yes!

- Free tampons.
- [all agreeing]

The good kind! The one with the
plastic sh**t that goes in you.

Keep going. Better education.
Access to competent lawyers.

And, uh, and regular doctors'
visits with actual doctors.

- Amnesty.
- [chattering stops]

For all of us.

The first thing we gotta
ask for is no extra time.

And nobody goes to Max for being
part of this whole thing.

[inmates cheering]

It'll be Hundred Flowers all over again.

Aw, I'd love a hundred flowers.

In, like, some window
boxes or something?

Ice cream sundae bar.

Latin class.

What?

Pizza for lunch every day.

How about the moon? Why not
just ask for the moon?

I know. A antigravity chamber.

We could float around
and do flips and stuff.

Like astronauts.

Okay, forget what I said.

Some ideas are bad ideas.

[inmates chuckling]

[inmate] How about some Hot Cheetos?

[inmate 2] What about Takis? Takis!

[Piper] Hey, Al...

I think she's wearing my sweatshirt.

Another life. Let it go.

If you could have anything in
the world, what would you have?

Vaginal orgasms.

I hear it's a thing.

[sighs]

What about you, Jackie O? Any demands?

I'd like my girlfriend back.

[sighs] Atta girl. Speak the truth.

I mean, why can't they let us
have cell phones all the time?

Because it zaps your brain.

- [Flaca chuckles]
- Look at this one.

- [chuckles]
- [Maria] New guards is what we need.

No more of these nasty fucks.

Oh, look at this lady who dressed
her cat in a freaking bathing suit.

[Flaca chuckles]

[gasps] Oh, what about only lady guards?

Oh, my God, no.

No. Women can be so mean to each other.

I mean, except for you,
I'm really mean to women.

- Right.
- [Maria] That's true.

Evening, everyone. How is
your riot going so far?

I'd give it about a six out of ten. I
think it's a little, uh, tame, frankly.

Right? [stammers] I was
expecting more fireworks.

Oh, there's still time for fireworks.

This is Von Barlow.

She floated down a river in a
basket, and now she's ours.

I like how calm it is in here.

I think everything is gonna be okay.

You know, a little water
and some honey...

that's gonna tame that frizz, okay?

- You want me to show you later?
- Uh-huh.

- Oh, yeah? Okay. There you go.
- [chuckles]

Girls, I'm so happy to see you.

We're really onto something
with the big h*m*.

"Big h*m*"?

Yes, there are a lot of us around here.

Not girl h*m*.

I'm sorry, are you starting
a gay witch hunt right now?

No. Weren't you listening?

Boy h*m* only.

Piscatella.

[Nicky] Yeah, he's awful.

[stammers] h*m* can also be assholes.

But why are we hung
up on the h*m* thing?

You're all bullshitting around,

making demands no one's
ever going to listen to.

I'm the only one doing the
real work around here.

Who's this?

- Uh, some sort of coin locker baby.
- [chuckles]

[Red gulping]

[Nicky] Red, what is going on with you?
You okay?

- [Red sighs]
- You don't look so good.

Wanna take a nap, maybe?

Forget it.

You'll be thanking me when
we bust this thing open.

I have to go feed the eyebrow now.

We need fuel.

This was supposed to have
chunks of real carrot in it.

And in the picture there was a
sprig of parsley in the bowl.

I bet they never serve this
with parsley, do they?

- [Nicky] No.
- These are substandard conditions.

We need better food.
Better quality uniforms.

This is a Tier Two facility.

Whatever they're paying for this
crap, they're getting ripped off.

You sing it, sister.

Thank you.

[Linda] She was my big sister.

I learned everything from her.
[breath trembling]

[officer] Didn't anyone notice
how intoxicated she was?

The last time I saw her,
she was having fun.

- [woman sobbing]
- Happy.

What time was that?

Around 10:00, I think. Maybe later.

All right. That can't be long
before she went outside.

Were you the last person she talked to?

I couldn't say, Officer.

Did you notice she was gone?

[indistinct chatter on radio]

I noticed that her
drinking had gotten worse,

what with the stress of finals and
her breakup with Todd and all,

but I didn't think it
had gotten this bad.

Come to think of it,

she did have a bit of an outburst
before the party last night.

Maybe she was on something.

Cocaine, maybe?

Or something worse.

Gosh, maybe this was all a cry for help.

She did seem awfully... depressed.

I hope it wasn't... intentional.
[whimpers]

Oh, my God, I can't even
believe I'm saying this.

She was my big sister.

[sobbing]

Hey, it's gonna be okay.

[continues sobbing]

[Caputo over phone] "Her
name was Poussey Washington."

She was kind and loyal, smart..."

She was m*rder*d.

CO Bayley m*rder*d her.

[gulps and sighs]

She was m*rder*d.

CO Bayley m*rder*d her.

And we want justice.

[sighs]

[officer 1] So you
want us to arrest you?

[officer 2] For m*rder?

Yes, sirs.

I'm a bad man. Did... did bad things.

You know, like I... I told you.

[stammers] Mr. Caputo says it...
it makes a monster.

[chuckling] Harold, do you have any
idea what this kid's trying to confess?

Probably another one of these
poor f*ckers with PTSD,

wanting penance for Iraq.

Or he's been sniffing
bath salts all night.

Look at his hands.

Listen, pal, we're gonna
let you sleep it off,

and then we can talk about all
the bad stuff you say you did...

tomorrow.

[Gerber] Tomorrow?

Tomorrow... tomorrow. No.

No... no tomorrow. Bax today.

Bad monster.

Ple... Please. Just... Today.

Oh, God.

Oh, thank Christ. [panting]

[slurring] Please help me.

[shrieks and gasps]

[continues speaking indistinctly]

Oh. Oh, you girls gotta help me.
[sobbing]

Oh, I'm so glad to see you.

Aw. Sure thing, Mrs. King.

- [Judy] Thank you.
- [chuckles]

[Judy gasps and shrieks]

[Leanne laughs]

Oh, my God.

[crying]

[inmates shouting indistinctly]

Those lying c**ts.

See, all we gotta do is, we
gotta light a fire, right?

And then, when they open the door
to let us out, we... we pounce.

And what makes you think
they'd let us out?

Burning is an ugly way to go.

It'd be better in here 'cause
at least we'd suffocate.

You should see it out...
outside in a field.

The smell is one thing, but the
way the body expels fluids...

Yeah, okay, cool. So... so not that.

Any of you seen Black Mama White Mama?

It starts exactly like this.

They're all chained together,

and they have to escape these
lesbian prison guards.

Then they end up in the
Filipino jungle, though.

I don't know.

Oh, what about, uh, Caged Heat?

Anybody seen that?

They escape in that one, too.

Almost.

The, uh, warden tortures
them with his brain zapper.

All right. Never mind.

If we can get them to open the door...

maybe we can strangle
them with that cord.

[Luschek] Oh, hey. f*ck, wait.

Hey, there's this scene
in The Big Bust-Out 5...

[scoffs]

I'm a fan of the chicks
behind bars genre.

[scoffs]

Don't f*cking judge me, okay?

There're worse things,
like f*cking Titanic.

You seen that piece of sh*t?

f*cking Leonardo DiCaprio
is a character actor.

He is not a leading man.

And he looks like a little boy.

Anyway, in The Big Bust-Out 5,

there's this super hot
noire named Sapphire, huh?

And, uh, she gets the guards

to open up the door for
her by asking for dinner.

And when they do, she's so grateful,

she lets 'em spit roast her
right in the cafeteria.

[chuckling]

So we get them to bring us dinner.

[knocking on door]

[knocking continues]

Please. We need food and water.

It's only been a few hours.

Tell Backstreet Boy to take his purple
shorts off, then maybe we'll talk.

[Pennsatucky] Hey, hey, hey. Rest easy.

Muscles is here.

What "muscle"? You're
like a baby Chihuahua.

- [Pidge chuckles]
- Oh, make no mistake.

My little buddy, Sparky, here, may
look no bigger than Madonna's bicep,

however I'd still bet on
her to win the fight.

When'd you fight Madonna?

The point is that some
people got muscles for show

and some people got muscles for go.
I got 'em for go.

I don't buy it.

Well, it all depends how
you are under pressure.

Sometimes when people get real riled
up, they develop superhuman strength.

Happened to me once.

Oh, please tell.

Well, there was this couple...
[sniffles] Ricky and Ricky's wife.

And they had the nicest trailer
down there by the lake,

and they had the best meth ever. [sighs]

Anyway, I was out there, right?

I was waitin', and Jo
Jo comes out, the baby,

and he's crawlin' down the street.

I think he was, like, lookin'
for his, like, pet guinea pig,

or, like, the cigarette
that he must have dropped.

Anyway, this car comes zoomin' up,

runs over his arm and
just landed right on him.

- [Big Boo] Oh.
- It's a shame.

He was really smart, and he had this

bright future in the
meth makin' business.

Like, next-level prodigy, you know?

So, to get to the point, you were able
to lift the car off the methlete?

Yup.

[Big Boo] Mmm. [Pennsatucky]
I saved his life.

But then he went and
he sh*t Ricky's wife

with the damn as*ault
r*fle underneath the bed.

- No.
- [scoffs] Yeah.

And so I think he's in,
like, protective custody.

It's just, like, a
really sad story, to me,

because he had a lot of potential.
You know?

[banging]

I need to eat something, or
I'm gonna go into shock.

[Davis sighs]

[McCullough] You need to
keep us alive, remember?

People can go two months with no food.

My cr*ck-ass sister's still alive.

On the other hand,

forcing them to eat the
swill we've had to eat

is its own special punishment.
Don't you think?

I ain't takin' 'em out
when they get the shits.

I'll bring another bucket
from the cafeteria.

Hey, biceps, coming along?

- Nah. I got a phone call to make.
- Ooh.

Yo, Barney-butt!

Yeah, you!

We gonna feed you a meal, baby.

[chuckles]

So eat.

[Big Boo] Hello, ladies.

Well, who is this fine specimen?

Amelia Von Barlow.

Pleasure to meet you, Miss Von Barlow.

We're all writing our demands.

Is there anything you'd
like to put in the box?

Do I have any demands for your box?

[chuckles] Yeah, I can think of a few.

Canali, huh?

Yeah.

Not bad.

Though, for tailoring, I do
prefer Zegna. Nicer lines.

[Nicky] Oh, sh*t. You hear that, Boo?

Looks like the new girl
doesn't respect your lines.

[Big Boo] Well...

I certainly admire hers.

All right. Who wants to help me carry

a couple of buckets of poop
Wellington down to the prisoners?

I'll help.

Great. After you, my lady.

Is it possible Boo's gonna be her bitch?

[chuckles]

Listen up, beeyotches.

I know it's been a rough couple of days,

but we cannot let this
tragedy slow us down.

I'm looking around the room, and
I'm seeing a lot of tragic faces.

Limp hair.

Ashy skin.

Stacey, are you wearing
f*cking sweatpants?

I mean, we're Alphas.

We don't curl up and cry.
We go out. We party.

We are the f*cking party.

So remember that next time you're
dragging your asses around campus

feeling sorry for yourself.

Get some waterproof f*cking mascara,

stand tall, and represent
the sisterhood with pride.

We owe it to each other,
and we owe it to Meggs.

Because she would have wanted
us to lift our spirits.

And our glasses.

So this one's for Meggan.

[girls] All for one and one for Alpha!

[all whooping]

[all whooping]

[clattering]

[grunts]

[pants and grunts]

[gasps]

Oh, son of a bitch. [panting]

Oh, crap.

[grunts]

[indistinct chatter]

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me. This is a sacred area.

It is not for your dinners.
Not for your footsteps.

Not even for your shadows.

Sacred!

- [murmuring]
- You hear me?

As in, "not desecrated."

[Suzanne breathing heavily]

Yeah.

Thank you.

[murmuring]

[Piper] Mmm. [Alex] Look at that.

- [scoffs]
- Oh.

Whoa!

That is one formidable cock.

Hearing you say "formidable cock"
is such a turnoff that, honestly,

I might never get wet again.

Holy f*cking sh*t.

You know what this means?

Von Barlow is Caputo's girlfriend?

And the owner of the formidable cock.

Ew!

[chuckles]

[Flaca chuckles]

Flac. Flac.

Psst. Flac.

[chuckles]

Flac.

What the f*ck, bro?

[inmates exclaiming]

- [shrieking]
- [laughing]

[shrieks]

[inmates shrieking]

Hey, Taystee, you wanna check our work?

I trust you.

[Black Cindy] You want
some Funyuns or something?

Oh, Juicy Fruit!

[chuckles]

- I got Juicy Fruit, y'all!
- [Taystee] Just read the tally.

Okay, number one is, "Fire the guards."

That got the most votes by far.

f*ck, yeah, it did.

[Janae] Number two,
"Reinstate the GED program."

Uh-uh. Hold up.

What about Bayley? He's not one or two?

Nine.

Between "Internet" and "Flamin'
Hot Cheetos in the commissary."

No Takis?

Man, you gotta have both of 'em.

[rapping] ♪ Hot Cheetos and Takis ♪
♪ Hot Cheetos and Takis ♪

♪ You can catch me and my crew ♪
♪ Eating Hot Cheetos and Takis ♪

- Fine. Hot Cheetos and Takis.
- [chuckles]

So you mean to tell me "Arrest Bayley"
is second from the bottom of our list?

That's democracy.

Well, democracy is bullshit.

[cell phone vibrates]

[vibrates]

[continues vibrating]

[cell phone vibrating]

[sighing]

[breathing heavily]

[moaning]

[Pennsatucky continues moaning]

They're probably keeping her
in one of these fancy offices.

We're gonna find her
surrounded by nubile boys

fanning her with palm fronds
and rubbing her feet.

[indistinct chatter and laughter]

What's going on here?

[Yoga Jones] What are you doing?

Don't even start to lecture me, hippie.

My grammy smoked every day
of her life and lived to 97.

It's about genetics.

I don't care how you choose
to poison your body.

We're all supposed to be inside.

That's why the doors were locked.

Why? It's not like anyone's
coming in the back.

We got hostages.

The gates are locked.
There's barbed wire.

Why shouldn't we enjoy some fresh air?

Everyone's by the front
holding their dicks.

- Smoking's cool.
- [chuckles]

[Anita] Hey, is that...

[Brandy] What an idiot.

It's Judy King!

- We got a runner.
- Yes!

[gasps]

[shrieks]

[Black Cindy] What y'all waitin' for?

We might have called Domino's.

Wait, how are they gonna get it in?
The door's locked.

Maybe we break a window, and he can
feed it in one slice at a time.

Oh... Oh! Did Hot Cheetos make it on?

[Angie] We put it in 27 times.

Get the f*ck outta here.

So stupid.

b*tches, man.

- [shrieking]
- [grunting]

Get out!

- [Black Cindy] Dumb-ass white b*tches!
- [Taystee scoffs]

[Black Cindy] Stupid.

Yo, read it all one more time.

[Alison] "To whom it may concern."

We, the inmates of Litchfield,
are human beings.

We are protesting the abusive conditions
under which we are being held.

In hopes of a peaceful resolution,
we set forth the following demands:

Number one,

replace all current guards
with properly-trained ones.

Two, reinstate the GED program.

Three, better health care.

Four, conjugal visits.

Five, amnesty for all
involved in this riot,

provided that there are no casualties.

Six, an end to arbitrary

and degrading searches and the
use of solitary confinement.

Seven...

more work opportunities, a fair wage,
and equal treatment of prisoners,

regardless of their race,
status or celebrity.

[grunting]

[groaning]

Eight, Internet access.

Nine, CO Bayley is to be arrested

and tried for the death
of Poussey Washington.

[speaks softly and indistinctly]

Ten, Hot Cheetos and
Takis in commissary.

Free tampons. And more nutritious foods.

Fresh vegetables. Real meat.
Whole grains.

[indistinct chatter on radio]

- [both chuckle]
- [indistinct chatter]

[Caputo] Here they come. Get ready.

- You can let me go first. [chuckles]
- Let me go first.

Oh, I guess...

[slow jazz music playing]