05x09 - The Tightening

[bunniefuu]

I know, I know, Red.

I'm no Macaulay Culkin.

If at first you don't succeed...

Maybe you should get used to failure.

- Nice makeover.
- Can't say the same.

You shave a gorilla,
it's still a gorilla.

What if it's all a plot?
What if he's still coming?

Head on the pillow. Head on the
pillow. We can do this, we can do this.

- He could already be here!
- Fantastic, right?

This place could use some
festive napkins and centerpieces.

How can you make jokes?

He's gone, all right? We sent
him away. Mission aborted.

And maybe that point
just isn't connecting

because you just deep
fried your amygdala.

Look, even if girlfriend, I
mean, comes strutting in here,

he's what, about seven feet tall,

dressed like an extra from Cruising.

I'm pretty sure I'll spot
him walking down the hallway.

Come on.

Here, have a little drink.

Now, you should probably expect
some, uh, primo headaches,

a little bit of short-term memory loss,

even a soupçon of
hellish hallucinations.

Let's try and sleep
through some of that?

Oh, I feel like my hot
flashes are having hot flashes.

That, too.

Okay.

I'm gonna make you a cold
compress, because I am all in

on this whole role-reversal
thing we got going here, okay?

Every parent becomes the
child sooner or later.

But I didn't think it
would happen so soon.

It was for you, Nicky, and for my girls.

I wanted to slay the koshmar
so you can sleep at night.

This piece of sh*t is not the reason
we can't sleep at night, I mean...

Uh, the lights, the farting...

... the snoring, the creaking...

I mean, the whole prison
insomnia jamboree, yeah,

but this schmuck is just
another instrument in the band.

But we love that you
were thinking of us.

I'm gonna grab the
ice. I'll be right back.

No, no, don't leave me.
Don't leave me alone!

I'm not. Uh, nobody's
ever really alone, Red.

We got a lifetime of
regrets to keep us company.

- How was your day?
- Fantastic.

I discovered a whole new muscle
in my back I hadn't pulled yet.

You?

Well, I soldered six more
spindles than yesterday.

- Oh... Ah.
- So much job satisfaction.

- Punching out early again, Galina?
- One minute early.

There should be some
perks to dating you, no?

My love and devotion
aren't perky enough?

Let me think on that.

Mmm-hmm.

He's always talking about
the places he'll take me.

Odessa. Lake Chernobyl.
Then, nothing. All talk.

So break up with him.

What if he puts me on turbine duty?

Yuliya Ovechkova did that for a month.
She has the hands of an old woman now.

Fine. Waste your 20s on that goblin.

Is he good in bed at least?

I've never been with anyone else.

When you think of him, what do you feel?

Sleepy.

He's Relanium made flesh.

Hey. Look what I bought.

Levi's.

- Nadezhda! Where did you get those?
- A boy from the university.

He said they make the ass of the
wearer look like the Charlie's Angels.

- Where can you even wear them?
- A party. Tonight. He invited me.

- And he said I could bring friends.
- I don't like parties.

Soggy herring and accordion music.
Nervous men asking you to dance.

Oh, Galina, you have been
going to the wrong parties.

- You waited.
- We're not waiting. We're just sitting.

Galina... I want to take you to
the Georgian restaurant tonight.

They have the greatest chakapuli.

We're going to a party.

After, then.

When does it end? 8:00? 8:30?

- When the sun rises.
- Mmm-hmm.

You'll miss curfew.

See? He's a hamster in jackboots.

A gerbil, Galina.

Hamsters at least bite.

How'd you get this number?

The warden, Caputo.
He said you could help.

Jesus Christ. Even when he's a
hostage he's making work for me.

Please. My son is in intensive
care and I need to see him before...

he wakes up. Caputo
said that you could help.

Just like that.

Look, I know you don't
get somethin' for nothin'

but what do you think
I got to offer, huh?

You could free the hostages.

Well, how do I know that you are
gonna deliver what I am askin' for?

You don't, but I seem
to be your only sh*t.

Look, release the hostages
and you'll see your son.

Look, there's 400 b*tches in here

asking for a whole lot
more for those hostages.

So don't ask their permission.

Look, what... What's
more important to you?

Your... your criminal
peer group or your child?

Just to be clear... you are asking
me to f*ck over everyone I know.

First lesson of business school.

That was a joke. Hello?

Holy sh*t. Yeah.

She ain't gonna be able
to hide from all this.

You both gonna be famous.

When I wanted to rebel
against my mother,

I had a few babies, packed some heroin.

- But this?
- Yeah, she really committed.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Ma'am...

you cannot be here. You
gotta turn this car around.

Yeah, yeah. No, I gotta
talk to my daughter.

Uh, okay, family goes behind
this barricade over here.

I'm not family. I'm her mother!

Daya, it's me!

Don't tell them
anything! You got rights!

- Does she?
- I think you got rights!

- Hey! I see you seeing me!
- Ma'am.

Listen to your mother, you assh*le!

- Okay, okay, okay, don't touch me.
- All right.

Don't touch me. Sexual harassment!

You need to start the car
and back it up, please.

All right, all right,
all right. Okay. Okay.

What's gonna happen to Diaz?

We'll give her a special
sentence reduction

- to thank her for being so honest.
- Really?

Let's see what shape the guard's in.

That bitch going to Max till forever.

Where were we?

Think you was about to give
us everything we askin' for.

Cute.

Now, it is my understanding

that an education program
is already in place.

Y'all seen any education
program 'round here?

Mmm-mmm. I guess it
must've went missing.

"The Life Skills Initiative

"provides inmates with practical skills

even more marketable than
the former GED program."

- Life skills?
- Mmm-hmm.

She mean pourin' cement
with that dude with the abs.

Man, we did that for,
like, less than a week.

Mmm. Six wonderful days.

And that beefcake put
the semen in sement.

Cement. It's pronounced cement.

Now, tell me, why exactly
was that program stalled?

Yeah...

I don't recall at this juncture.

You don't?

They found a guard in the garden
all chopped up like Fancy Feast.

You really don't remember?
It was, like, four days ago!

Plus, that sh*t was dark.

- Oops.
- Wow.

You girls have been busy.

So, now, tell me, was this m*rder
also part of your nonviolent protest?

The m*rder ain't the point.

The point is our education program
ain't never been no education program,

even before it was put on
hold for some alleged m*rder.

Manual labor without
instruction ain't an education,

and it damn sure ain't no life skills.

You think she'd be sayin' "ain't" so
much if we had an education program?

I'd like to believe
you. Really, I would.

But, in light of these
ongoing revelations,

the injured guard you refuse
to hand over, it's tough.

You lost credibility.

Give me a second.

Come on, Watson.

You talk too f*cking much!

Where is she going?

She went to go powder her argument.

So...

- How's not being in prison?
- It's the best.

We have these fancy gadgets to look
at when we wanna leave a conversation.

All right. I'mma go pee.

Bam! Irkutsk is mine.

The f*ck is Irkutsk, anyway?

All right, excuse me. Coming through.

Tryin' to live my best self, here.

Nichols.

Nichols.

Is that you, hot girl?

Look, hey, man, I'm really
sorry I don't remember your,

you know, exact name after
we did the sex and all.

I just want you to know that, uh...

that does not mean I don't
hold you in a very high...

Let me guess.

You need to sacrifice a few
more for the good of the many.

I just wanted to tell
you that it worked.

That Dayanara saved us.

That's funny. I don't feel saved.

- Well, we're still negotiating.
- So the end justified the means.

Look, I know how I am with a cause. I
know that I'm like a dog with a bone.

Or an angry dragon on its
lonely mountain of gold.

That, too.

I know she freaks you out...

Worthy Cause Piper.

And she freaks me out, too.

- But you're not sorry.
- No, I'm not sorry.

Because I believe in my side.

And you believe in yours.

f*ck.

Are we one of those romance novel,
red state, blue state couples?

- Like James Carville and Mary Martin.
- Matalin.

Or Maria and Arnold!

They always did seem like
hopeless masochists to me.

Maybe you're my Arnold.

It's not a tumor!

Do not ever do that again.

No. Wow.

- And don't ever f*ck the housekeeper.
- Sure.

Hello?

Who's there?

Are those friendly feet?

Jackpot!

- What's good on an open wound? Lotion.
- Definitely.

- Shampoo?
- If it's got aloe.

Um, those aren't yours.

I told you the ghetto rats
got all the best bath products.

They gotta lotion up all
the time or they get assy.

- How would you know?
- I might've dated a black guy once.

Angie!

They're gonna, like, revoke
your Boston assh*le card.

I believe the term you're
looking for is "Masshole."

Hey, we all gotta experiment!
You got Rumspringa...

I got Clarence.

- Is it true what they say?
- What?

"Once you go black, you don't go back"?

More like, "Once you go Clarence,
you piss off your parents."

Um, uh, uh, no.

No, that's not your...
That is not your domain.

You're not supposed to
touch other people's things.

What's this for, anyway?

- Got a secret baby around here?
- No. Point of order!

Now, if you're gonna keep stealing
and being culturally, um, problematic,

uh, you think you can set me free?

- She needs something.
- Yeah, but what?

Freedom!

No, that's not it.

Don't be scared.

Life's gonna be so much easier now.

You okay, Red? You
look a little twitchy.

- Have you seen Nicky?
- No, have you seen DeMarco?

- No.
- Good talk!

I thought Nichols was the doctor.

Well, I gave myself a promotion.

I figure after two full days of
nursing, I'm ready to start doctoring.

Or... docting?

- Both, probably.
- Mmm.

So what do you got in
here for depression?

Well, we got, uh,
Zoloft and the Lexapro,

and a whole bunch of stuff if
you just wanna be unconscious.

- This is more like a existential thing?
- Oh.

You know, when you get
everything you ever wanted,

and then you're, like,
"Is that all there is?"

Hmm. Let me see what we got for that.

Uh, let me ask you something.

- Is it chronic?
- Sometimes.

She's gone!

- Who?
- Nicky!

You haven't seen her, have you?

Well, no, we're going
through this fun phase

where she can't stand to look at me.
I'm probably the wrong person to ask.

Into thin air.

- Like Nadezhda!
- Ooh!

God bless you.

Why don't you care?

Oh, I see what's going on here.

It's hard, isn't it? Coming
down off the strong stuff.

I am not on dr*gs!

Except for the ones
already in my system.

- Oh. Textbook denial.
- I saw somethin' like this on Dr. Drew.

What if he came in after all?
Now that no one is suspecting?

No, I got rid of him myself, Red.

He bought it, hook, line and
tinker. You wanna see the text?

You know, I ain't seen
Flores in a while either.

How long before you
count somebody as missing?

No, no, no, that is
not helping. Thank you.

- Ex-nay on the issing-may.
- I know pig Latin, Lorna.

Okay, Red, everyone
knows you're very smart.

I shouldn't have to tell you people
don't just vanish into thin air.

- It doesn't look like anything.
- That's the whole point.

It's a speakeasy.

If they really want to be sub rosa,

they should hire some hungry
people to stand outside.

Grocery stores have
lines around the block.

What do you want?

Two cabbages and a soup bone.

What happens if you
ask for a loaf of bread?

He was right. They do give
you the ass of an angel.

Ah.

And that skirt gives
you Brezhnev's butt.

Thanks.

What do we do now?

- We dance.
- It's too slow for the Barynya.

You make it up, dummy.

The Westerners use their
hips, like Elvis Presley.

You're supposed to look like
you're having sex without touching.

Like this?

You look like you hurt yourself.

That guy is staring at us.

Not at us. At you.

I don't know how he can breathe.
Those jeans are so tight!

I like it. Truth in advertising.

You know what you're buying.

Nadezhda!

His friend is the guy who sold
me the jeans. Don't look. Be cool.

Kostya.

- You brought a friend.
- I said I would, didn't I?

He wants to talk to her.

Why doesn't he come over himself?

He does what he wants.
We all do what he wants.

He makes the parties.

Go. Maybe he'll make a
party in your panties.

I haven't seen you before.

I do my grocery shopping elsewhere.

You're one of those
factory girls, right?

The ones who wash their clothes
in vodka to get the stink out?

I never waste good vodka.
Vinegar does the job just as well.

The work. You don't hate it?

I don't have a choice,
so I make the best.

No. Stop that.

Don't make the mistake of
committing yourself to the old ways.

You need to be ready for
when the world changes.

It happens fast.

It's happening now!

And you're going to
show me these new ways?

I'm going to show you everything.

♪ Dropped it. Yes, on
the way I dropped it ♪

♪ And some fine brother picked it up ♪

♪ And put it in my pocket ♪

Hello?

Have you checked the children?

Nope. Pause. I know how this sh*t goes.

The children is already dead,

and I'm next because that's how
it go for black folk in the movies.

Have you checked the children?

Which children?

She said, "Which children?"

I don't know. Make something up!

Spooky children.

"Spooky children," bitch? That
don't even sit right with me.

Look, instead of me
checkin' the children,

how about you check your damn self?

- Um... No!
- Angie, you suck at this!

- No, I wasn't done!
- Give it to me!

Peace out.

I see you!

Hello? I said I...

Come on, bitch, pick up!

- You are religious?
- Church of Satan, ma'am.

Look. Uh, man, I should've
told you there was a riot.

I'm a f*ckin' wuss, okay?

I didn't want to worry you, you know?

You did what you had to do.

I know Daya got herself
in some bad sh*t.

Just tell me she's okay.

Yeah, yeah, she's okay.

- You lying bitch!
- What?

Yo, this bitch lied to me twice!

Aleida, calm down.

I'm staring at my daughter
in handcuffs right now!

I ask you to look out for
her and the next thing I know

she's sh**ting somebody and confesses?

Her life is over!

You've been f*cking up her
life for 23 years, querida.

You think that I was
gonna undo that in a week?

All you had to do was
be an equally bad mother,

not a hundred f*ckin'
thousand times worse.

Fool me once, shame on
you. Fool me twice...

I'll f*ckin' cut your tit off.

Yeah, you know what?

I would love to stay
here and get yelled at,

but I got my own kids to worry about.

Yeah? Well, I'll be prayin'
for them little bastards,

'cause they don't stand a
chance with you as their mother.

- I hope you're wrong.
- Me, too!

'Cause I'm tired of
bein' right about people.

Have a good f*cking life, okay?

f*cking what?

You are magnificent.

- Hurry up!
- Man, this sh*t wouldn't cut butter!

Jefferson, that you?

Hold up, Mr. C. We settin' you free.

Not free free, but you feel me.

- Are you supposed to be doing that?
- Are you supposed to give a f*ck?

Cheerfully withdrawn.

A'ight.

Damn!

No need to thank us, Mr. C.

- I'm not thanking you.
- You grudgin' it out.

I respect that, but this ain't
no freebie. We need your help.

You punched me.

You took me hostage.

Why would I ever, ever help you?

Okay, let me catch you up.

Previously, on the
f*cked-Up Prison Channel,

we've been negotiating
for things like justice

and better living
conditions and education,

and the governor, he gave us Cheetos.

But we said we don't want no blood
Cheetos so now they talkin' bullshit,

sayin' that we already
got a education program,

when everybody knows it's really a
dig-ditches-and-get-tetanus program.

That program is sl*ve
labor, plain and simple.

See? Told you he still cared.

Problem is, they sent us this
negotiator, but she don't believe us.

That's when you come in. You'll
be our... credibility man.

Who they send? They send a lawyer?

Nah, they sent in that chick
that you hate... Figueroa.

The one that used to have your job?

And look like a giraffe, but kinda sexy?

- She ask about me?
- You did not come up.

Ain't all about you, Mr. C.

Oh, but we did get you a little gift.

We, uh, got it from the guard bathroom.

Piney fresh.

Now that you piney fresh,
you can bring your ass.

Where'd everybody go? Shouldn't
we go where it's more populated?

Is this the teen-scream scenario? Hmm?

Me in the letterman jacket,
you with the pom-poms.

Okay, babe, whatever
gets your knickers wet.

No, I'm really serious.
Don't you think it's spooky?

- I heard people are going missing.
- Mmm.

Maybe the SWAT team is
plucking us out, one at a time.

- They can do that?
- Aw...

Don't you worry about that, babe.
I won't let that happen to you.

This skeevy prison hookup is forever.

How do you think negotiations are going?

Well, if I had to take a wild
s*ab at it, I'd say not very well.

That Fig, she is a grade A,
locally-sourced megabitch.

Yeah. Plus MCC's lawyers
would file a breach of contract

before ever agreeing to
increasing the budget.

So I've heard.

Well, here we are.

In you go.

- In... right here?
- Mmm-hmm.

It's so dark.

The better to eat you with, my dear.

Gotta be a light switch
in here somewhere, right?

Ow!

Boo?

Hello?

This isn't funny.

f*ck.

Shower sex is for teenagers
and '80s movie vixens.

- No one actually enjoys it.
- I enjoy it.

Pipes, water is not a lubricant.

Finally, someone who will believe me!

See? Red gets it. Shower
sex is not a thing.

- He's here. In the prison.
- Who?

Piscatella.

I woke the sleeping giant, and
now he's come down the beanstalk

to stomp all over the village,
the village being prison.

You think I sound crazy.

Little bit.

Yeah, a guard coming to
a minimum security prison

to personally target someone?

- Like, when has that happened before?
- Fair point.

- Okay, so you saw him on the inside?
- No, but...

But he said he was coming in?

Actually, he said he wasn't.
But it's a trick, a smoke screen.

And I'm not the only one he's targeting.

He's making all the people I
care about disappear, one by one.

He's aiming for the heart or
for the mind. A mind-heart combo.

I think there's a pattern, see?

Norma, missing.

- Oh, boy.
- Frieda, missing.

Gina, missing.

Yoga, and now Blanca and Nicky...

- Let me guess...
- Missing.

I didn't know that Piscatella paid such
close attention to your social circles.

This is serious, damn it!

Red, I wanna believe you, but
you're making it impossible.

Did you ever think that maybe
your prison pals are avoiding you

because you're being,
like, an aggro psychopants?

We've all been there.

Nicky was getting me ice
and she just vanished!

So Nicky didn't complete
a task set out before her?

Like, shocker.

She's probably with that new girl.

Somehow she found a sexy loner

we've never seen in prison
before to hook up with.

We've all been there.

Red, what's the, uh...
What's the frying pan for?

For hitting him with.

Okay. You need to get some rest, okay?

And when we see Nicky,

we're going to have her kick that
girl out of bed and come find you.

- Okay?
- Mmm-hmm.

- What if it's really sudsy water?
- No, it's still not a lubricant.

- How do I look in jeans?
- Like the fall of empires.

Like the b*ating heart of democracy.

That's it?

f*ck.

First you can't wait to get me
in jeans. Now you want me out.

Mmm!

I should add more bleach.

Suddenly everyone wants them
faded, like Robert Plant.

What do you want? Two
cabbages and a soup bone.

We don't have any!

Go away, we're in love.

Have you seen Kostya?

- Not since Saturday.
- I'm worried.

You don't think... Could
they have taken him?

He sells blue jeans, not state secrets.

They wouldn't say "blue jean selling."

They'd say "Imprudent associations,"
or "Western decadence."

Western decadence is important.

People need to know there's
a world outside of Russia.

The government can
control what's on the news,

but not what people wear.

Keep telling yourself that. They
can control whatever they want.

Not the song in our heads.

Supertramp. The Bay City Rollers.

She's right.

Of course she's right,
you're in love with her.

Everything that was criminal
becomes normal, day by day.

When the Beatles arrived, suddenly the
government didn't mind jazz so much.

Now that there's the Ramones,
the Beatles are not so bad.

And on like that, till
we are free like the West.

We are pioneers.

Um...

You have the next batch?

I was thinking of trying to move
them by the botanical garden.

Over there. Twelve acid wash,
12 James Dean dark blues.

The Robert Plants are still cooking.

Sell them near the tea
shop by the university.

That's where Kostya was selling.
Maybe it's too conspicuous.

Students pay more.

And they are the future for freedom.

At least at the garden
I can hide in a bush.

Here.

Liquid courage.

Go forth and sell liberty
and justice for all.

♪ Come sing with us ♪

Oh, hell, no!

♪ Basic b*tches ♪

- ♪ b*tches ♪
- ♪ b*tches ♪

Crap, it d*ed.

Video sucks up all the juice.

- That's what she said.
- Did she, though?

We gotta find a charger.

How else are we supposed to
post our dope original song

in honor of getting 10,000 followers?

And how we supposed to google something
if there's something to google?

And where are we
supposed to put our eyes

when we don't wanna see a nasty face?

What'd we do before, like, two days ago?

- I guess we used to talk to people.
- Crazy.

Maybe we should just split
up and search separately.

Hell, no, Scooby-Doo. It's
creepy as f*ck in here!

Plus, we do everything together.

Yeah, you're right, I
don't know why I said that.

You were having, like,
a Snickers moment.

You ain't you when you're hungry.

Moving back in?

There's too many mosquitoes outside.

- I don't wanna get a Zika head.
- I don't think that's how it works.

You know, people build
shelter for a reason.

Outside is dark and dirty and...

you know, some lolo jerk
stepped on my pillow.

Another revolutionary bites the dust.

Maybe I'll rediscover
my ideals in the morning.

How do you know if you're going crazy?

Usually you don't, because
when you've really lost it,

you're sure you're the only sane
one and everyone else has gone crazy.

Like, my mom knew for sure Kris
Kristofferson was in love with her,

and... and the police were crazy for
pulling her off his security wall.

Do you have my cookbook?

Sorry, um, I...

I mean, I like to look at the
pictures. It feels like I'm eating.

Is that sad?

- That's what cookbooks are for.
- Hmm.

Son of a pig fucker.

Such a pretty language.

What is this?

It goes with a festive line
dance. Sort of like the Bielolitza.

Disco is bullshit.

- What do you mean, gone?
- I've been looking all night.

Her mother hasn't heard
from her in three days.

Dmitri says she'll be fired if
she doesn't come to work tomorrow.

sh*t.

- What if she tells them about us?
- She won't.

Are you sure?

I wonder if Kostya gave them
her name, and now Nadezhda...

We have to do something for
her. Organize a demonstration.

Before they make us all
disappear, one by one.

No. What we have to do is
destroy the jeans, then lay low.

Keep our heads down.

What happened to changing the world?

It's gotten too dangerous.

I thought you were brave. But
you don't want anything to change.

You're the rebel that they can tolerate.

You get to sit here and play
your music and feel like a punk,

but if you're threatened, you
step right in line, don't you?

That's why they leave you alone.

You help each other exist.

You go too far, Galina.

You don't go far enough.

Joe?

Which one are you? Joe?

Hello? Uh, a little help?

- I'm looking for Joe.
- I can be Joe, if... if you want.

Joe?

Joe?

Joe...

are you giving me the silent treatment?

Joe not here. Went to see giraffe lady.

- Giraffe lady?
- They fight but they also bone.

Classic rom-com.

What is going on? What is happening?

Where did everybody go?

Boo!

What's the matter? You
lost your bitch, bitch?

I think, technically, I'm her bitch.

Oh, yeah.

- Bitch, bitch.
- Wait, wait, I got another one!

Say, "Where'd everybody
go?" again. Say it!

Please don't hurt me!

No one wants to play with Brandy.

You gotta watch 'em even at night?

You never know what
they could be plotting.

Yeah. Diabolical.

Hey, you want a cigarette?

I stole it from a guard
locker so... it ain't stale.

Our mom used to smoke.

And now she has a hole in her
neck the size of a Ritz cr*cker.

Ah, sucks...

how we gotta do the work in here.

Me behind the stove, you
watching these sad fucks

while everyone's
outside getting a suntan.

We got job satisfaction, actually.

Yeah, you maybe ought to
think about your choices.

I mean, if you don't love
waking up in the morning,

then you in the wrong line of work.

Hmm. Tell me more about
this, uh, guarding sh*t.

Hey, this about more than
guarding. This about our rights.

Yeah, this is about performing

unnecessary, revenge-motivated
strip searches.

Yeah, and using a steady
flow of name-calling

- to tear down their self-worth.
- Hmm.

Hey, piss-bitch!

- Oh, f*ck! What? What'd I do?
- See?

That does look rewarding.

Thanks to them being locked up and
all at our mercy and everything,

we have a chance to make
a real change around here.

If your mom could talk
outta her Ritz cr*cker,

I think she'd say she's proud of you.

- Maybe.
- Yeah.

All right!

- You got room for one more?
- Who's gonna cook?

Ain't like there's food left. Right?

It's nice to see you finally
gettin' in the spirit.

See? I told you she wasn't
just a bossy twatwaffle.

Is that you, Vause?

I thought that you hated shower sex.

I'm giving this one last sh*t. For you.

So charitable.

All right, suds me up.

It's not something that you say to
a woman that you're trying to arouse.

Convinced?

I need to feel a few more arguments.

Hang on.

I'm gonna go grab something
from my shower caddy.

Props.

Are you gonna tell me what they
are or you gonna surprise me?

Now...

Suzanne?

Grace?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my... This is
wrong on so many levels.

If you're gonna contour your
blush, you gotta blend better.

I'm not comfortable.

Oh, you poor thing. Who did this to you?

They said...

I'm crazy.

You wanna know what I think, Suzanne?

I think crazy is just
a word people invented

to keep the
extra-interesting people down.

Well,

Mommy says there are many shades
of different as there are of people.

Well, I wish I was told
that when I was growing up.

Are those my meds?

You don't need these anymore, Suzanne.

No, actually... I do.

They're just trying to
sand down your edges,

make you all the same shade.

I'm not good with metaphors,
but I do know one thing.

You should be free to be you.

Be me.

Be... me.

Oh, I am glad we had this talk. I
got a real good feeling about this.

Free to be me and me.

Figueroa.

- She could be Latina.
- Or Italian.

My husband is the world's whitest
Mexican, next to Louis C.K.

- Hold up. Louis C.K. a Mexican?
- Mmm-hmm.

Hey, check it out.

We got new representation.

I can see that.

- Nice boxers.
- Thanks.

They must've been a gift from
someone with very expensive taste.

Expensive taste and a soul made
of old fingernail clippings.

Mmm... 'kay.

If memory serves, we were talking
about reinstating the GED program.

The issue being the presence of
an existing education initiative.

They called it education so they
don't have to pay the inmates.

When I brought it to MCC,
it was an education program.

They turned it into a chain g*ng.

Aw, fascinating. And how'd
they sneak that one by you?

Joe, thank God!

You gotta get me out of
here. I can't do this anymore!

What? Do you want me to say I'm sorry?
I am sorry! Your singing was terrible.

One of our recent transfers from Psych.

I'm not sure she was
ready for the transition.

Excuse me, I purchased that baton.

We let her believe that
she's running the place.

- Mmm...
- It's easier that way.

Hey, whatever gets you through the day.

- Hey! I was mad, I was mad, okay!
- Let's go.

You had lipstick on your ear... Ow!

Now...

you're aware of the state's
prerequisites for education programs?

You aware?

Okay! Ow! Got it! I
got it! I got the memo.

Ow.

Hey! Don't I know you from somewhere?

Uh, I guess I just
have one of those faces.

Nah, you were on TV or... or somewhere.

Oh. Yeah, duh.

I'm, um... I'm the Counterfeit
c**t of Connecticut.

Somebody played me on Law & Order.

Who?

Alyssa Milano.

Carry on.

No, wait. I remember now.

You that hostage with the heels.

These heels.

I...

How would I even get
something like that? I...

I'm just your average,
everyday, hard-boiled perp

being managed by the second-largest
for-profit prison corporation.

Hey, why don't we make
her pull a Cinderella?

You mean, like, make her ride a pumpkin?

No, dumbass. If the shoe fits!

You heard the lady. Saddle up.

Girl, you know they fit you. Stop that.

See? It won't fit. My feet are too big.

This how O.J. got off.

I think she's spreading her toes.

- Yo, I'll do it myself.
- Uh, uh...

- I wouldn't do that if I were you.
- Why not?

- Because...
- Oh, see?

Hey, that bitch got my shiv!

See? Just like O.J.

Galina!

Won't you even talk to me?

Let me guess, you heard I broke
up with Pavel. Go ahead and gloat.

You broke up with Pavel?

I thought I could change
things. With some jeans.

- Isn't that stupid?
- No.

Do you think, would they grant
me a transfer to Leningrad?

- Maybe there it's different.
- It isn't.

You have to go further.

Where? Vladivostok? Too many fish.

We can't talk here.

There's still five minutes
before the morning whistle.

Hurry up, Miss!

Screw off. I'm talking
to my sick mother!

You always said I
never took you anywhere.

So I started looking
for a way that we...

A trip?

Don't you get it? We're over.

Listen to me.

I know a way for us to leave Russia.

It won't be easy,

but they're letting the Jews emigrate.

Not just to Israel now...

but to America.

You're not Jewish.

There are agencies. You pay them...

to find your Jewish relatives.

- And how does that help me?
- If we were married...

So that's your plan.

Listen.

We don't have to be
together in that way.

It can all be for show.

I know you think... I'm
not man enough for you.

- Dmitri...
- When we get to America...

you can go your own way if you want.

I can?

But maybe...

maybe I will show you I'm not a gerbil.

I am at least a hamster.

All along, you were the one with teeth.

America.

It's got to be better than this sh*t.

Jesus!

Ow! f*ck.

- This is why I don't wax.
- Where is he?

Off playing Jason from Friday the 13th.

Or Jason's mom,
technically. Spoiler alert.

Are you hurt?

Let's just say it's a
good thing I do yoga.

Wait, I never do that sh*t.

- Yoga. Where is she?
- I don't know.

- And Gina and Norma? sh*t!
- I don't know!

Oh, what? I mean, this isn't enough,
uh, distressed damsels for you?

Oh, Red, I am sorry. I'm
sorry I didn't believe you.

Turns out there really is a bogeyman.

Bogeyman is a demon. This is
only a man. He can be hurt.

My ears are burning.

f*ck!

Ready to play, Reznikov?

I was born ready.