06x08 - Gordons

[bunniefuu]

[cell door slams]

[theme song playing]

[cell door slams]

[cell door slams]

[door buzzes]

Ladies and garbage, hope you used
your 36 hours of alone time

to think about exactly when and where
your lives went so horribly wrong.

If you didn't, don't worry.

We'll be coming around to remind you
that this is rock bottom.

Let's flip 'em.

- They're coming! f*ck! They're searching.
- [guards shouting]

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

No, no. Not my hot sauce. Not today.

- That's your contraband?
- Don't you judge.

You're the dummy trying to Shawshank
her phone into a wall scratch.

This is not my phone.
I'm holding it for someone.

This hot sauce reminds me of my Nana
when she took me to the food bank

on the best Thanksgiving Day ever.

Some assh*le tried to grab my tit.
She sh*t Tabasco in his eye.

- Well, there's only one option here...
- Dump it.

Prison purse. Avert your eyes.

[panting]

So... how's Badison?

Any infection from that dirty shiv?
Sepsis, maybe?

That was some vicious, vicious stuff.

It looked like
it went in there pretty deep.

Any word
on how the att*ck's gonna affect us?

Longer lockdown? Another 12, 24 maybe?

Hmm.

Solitude is refreshment for the soul,
after all.

Naomi Judd said that. Wise.

Maybe another 48?

We ask the questions around here, Chapman.

You're in here till every inmate and bunk
has been thoroughly searched.

Dude, you just answered the question.

I wasn't specific.

Against the wall, Creech.

Inside the brace.

Like, I would have anything in my brace.
That's, like, day-one-basic-bitch sh*t...

The brace, Vause.

My arm is broken. Just...

Ow.

Please. Ow!

Shoes off.

Found something.

Check out this hairball, dude.

This could be used to choke someone.
Nice try, Creech.

Back to your cell, inmates.

You okay?

Nope. Cap popped off.

[buzzer sounds]

With lockdown period over
for all applicable blocks,

recreation times will be
completely separated by block

until further notice.

Litchfield Maximum Security inmates
are to resume normal protocol,

per the T-1 Monday to Friday schedule.

[panting]

You summoned me?

[breathes heavily]

You know our lockdown is over, right?
You don't have to stay in here no more.

There's nothing for me out there.

Exes and junkies,
oh, and my boss who's about to find out

that her entire f*cking stash
has been wiped out

while she's going through withdrawal.

You still mad at me.

I'm mad that I'm f*cked.

Listen, I'm sorry.
I didn't think it through.

I'm in so much pain half the time
that I didn't...

You got friends in C-Block, right?

Yeah.

I was thinking
you could make a buy off them.

Help out the block.

Is that how it works?
You can just do that?

No, you can just do that.

You came through
with people over there, right?

Right.

Look... I want to help,
but I don't have that type of money.

Don't worry about the money.
I got you covered.

[Daya sighs]

Incoming! [mimics braking]

I got 36 hours worth of lockdown mail
right here.

More?

Letters, postcards, marriage proposals,

art, signed head sh*ts
from non-celebrities.

Give me that.

Oh, and someone sent you a prosthetic arm.

[chuckles] What?

Yeah. They said they believed in you
and they wanted to lend you a hand?

I thought it was cute.
Still had to confiscate it though.

I'm thinking of using it as a robe hook
for my bathroom door.

[Taystee sighs]

- Looks like you got a lot of fans.
- Yeah. And I got a lot of enemies, too.

They're just messing with you.

Which reminds me...

I managed to save this
before it went into the trash.

Looks like some sort of interview request.
I don't...

"ProPublica is a nonprofit
that uses investigative journalism

to spotlight injustice.

We are requesting an interview
with inmate Tasha Jefferson."

Don't know
what I'm supposed to do with this.

Well, it doesn't seem hard.

You want people to know you're innocent,
so you do the interview.

Wait. Can I even
do an interview in prison?

sh*t! Beth the Babykiller
did a Dateline ID.

Get your new lawyer on it.

I don't know, man. I don't know
if I'm the right person to be doing this.

What happened to the old Tasha Jefferson?
The feisty one from back in the day?

[scoffs] Yeah, that girl is long gone.

Welcome to Storky's.

Home of the all new Biscuit Burger
and Gravy Bundle.

May I take your order, please?

Y'all not open?

[Taystee] No, sir.
We're just doing the window tonight.

Well, I'd like a large chicken sandwich

and one small container of 2% milk.

I'm sorry, sir,
we don't sell chicken here.

- Y'all don't sell chicken?
- Uh, no, sir. We do not.

No chicken nuggets or chicken fingers?
How about chicken strips?

Unfortunately, no,
because it's all in the chicken family.

If y'all don't sell chicken, then how come
there's a chicken on your sign?

[chuckles]

Uh, sir, that's not a chicken.
That's a stork.

Well, let me have a stork sandwich, then.

Girl, he want a stork sandwich.

- No, sir. We...
- No, you cannot. So, goodbye.

- Girl, what are you doing?
- Uh... [chuckles]

Oh, aw...

Now he drove off.
That's why there's only one Storky's left.

And you left the drink syrup out again.

It's...

For real?
No wonder Wayne gave you another citation.

[clicks tongue] f*ck Wayne!

Girl, you know, he call that little space
behind that Method Man cutout his office.

[scoffs]

He was like, "You not pushing the add-ons
like the Gravy Bundles enough."

And then he was, like...

"Yo, come on.

If you don't change your attitude,

I'mma write you up
for being an unhappy host. You want that?"

And what'd you say?

I was like,
"Bitch, of course, I'm an unhappy host.

Don't nobody want to be working
at f*cking Storky's."

- You did not say that. You are lying.
- [giggles]

[Taystee] Oh, customer up.

Yeah, you're right. I was, like,
"No, sir, Mr. Wayne, sir. Oh!"

Welcome to Storky's.

Home of the all-new Biscuit Burger
and Gravy Bundle.

May I take your order, please?

Yeah. Can I get three Storky Dogs...

Three Storky dogs.

- ...eight Biscuit Burgers...
- Eight Biscuit Burgers.

...four Lil' Burgers and a Bag O' Fries?

- That's it?
- Yeah, for sure.

That's it.

All right. Would you like to add on
Gravy Bundles for 99 cents?

- Sure.
- Uh-huh.

All right.
So your order will come to $21.34.

Drive to the window, please.

Hey... what's your name?

- There he go.
- There he go again.

- Tasha.
- [Dru] Tasha.

[boys laugh]

Hey, Tasha... you sound cute.

- Is you cute?
- I don't know. Are you cute?

No, he is not cute.

He's not?

Ooh!

Oh, sh*t, you right.

But look at the passenger side.
Oh, he could get it!

Definitely get it.

Why don't you ask him
to come in and hang out?

Okay.
All right, all right. [clears throat]

There you go. Thank you.

So...

Good night.

[boys laugh]

- The f*ck, Tamika?
- Ow!

Hater!

What I was not gonna do
was hang out with driver side all night

while you flash those dimples
at passenger seat.

No. Uh-uh, no way.

Come on,
they could have made this night fun.

[laughs] True.

But you know what else
could give us some fun tonight?

- f*ck, yeah!
- [screams]

- Ah!
- Get it. Get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, even though
I've completely lost my sense of smell,

my hearing is incredible now.

You're not missing nothing.
This whole place smell like belly button.

It's like that saying,
"When life hands you lemmings..."

It's lemons, you idiots. The saying, it's,

"When life hands you lemons,
make lemonade."

- Not where I'm from.
- Yeah, you don't know her experience.

- Hold up.
- [Dwight] In vet school, we'd say,

"When life hands you lemmings,
hand 'em back,

'cause those things got teeth."

[Ginger] Hold for entry.
Stand against the wall, inmates.

Dang, who you gotta sex
to get up in there?

Frieda.

[Zirconia] Apparently, she hiding in there
'cause someone out here

got a real bandana against her.

You mean, "vendetta."

[Zirconia] I don't know. Whichever one
mean someone want to b*at your ass.

[Dwight] Yeah, I heard
she started a g*ng w*r.

Like, before we were born. In the '80s.

And now she in there with the pudding.

While we're out here with the sh*t.

Hey, hey. Psst.
We need to talk about your roomie.

Tell me about it.

Do you know what I found
underneath her bed?

A pile of chewed-up fingernails.

I am serious. [whispering]
I have a cell phone in my shoe.

No, you don't.

Yes, you do. Oh, God. Where?

I'm wearing a sock, a cell phone
and another sock.

Where did you get a cell phone?

Shh! Murphy. She tossed it to me
during the fight

and now I don't know
what the hell to do with it.

Well, where did she
[whispers] get a cell phone?

I may or may not have hinted to her
that Luschek is morally corruptible.

No, no, no, no, no. No.
This is how they get you.

This is a gateway cell phone.

You're a part of a g*ng now.
Are you a part of a g*ng now?

No. No.

No?

No question mark.
I told you she was a wily no-goodnik,

but you were like, "Relax, babe."

But now they're gonna drag you
into their dirty dealings.

And I'm almost done with my time here,
so I really gotta keep my nose clean.

But you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna chase you straight to the drama
because I love you.

You need to relax, babe.

I felt bad for her.

She was being shunned by Carol
for f*cking up her drug supply.

She needed a new racket to save her ass.

Why doesn't Luschek
ever morally corrupt my way?

- I gotta work on that.
- [sighs]

Can I see it?

Are you crazy?
With the guards on high alert? f*ck no!

Please? I just wanna hold it
to my ear for a sec.

Feel the screen warmth.
I miss technology so much.

It's not happening.
Besides, it's only 17% battery left.

What did you do with all the battery?

We were on 36-hour lockdown.
Sue me for going down a Pinterest hole.

By the way, there were
these handcuff cake toppers.

[clicks tongue]
They would've been perfect.

While I am jealous
that you got to stare at Pinterest,

I think it's really cute
you were looking at wedding stuff.

[inmates cheering]

Can't keep me down.
Back in the building, b*tches. What?

b*at it, Brock.

Carol... does this mean
you ain't mad at me no more?

No. You're still a f*cking twit
for that stunt you pulled.

[chuckles] Okay, okay.

What if I told you
that I found us a new pot of gold

and the rainbow to slide in on?

Yo, Vause!

Oh, jeez. What did I tell you?

Gateway cell phone.
Alex, do not go over there.

Don't worry, I can handle this.

[Badison] Why you walking like Igor?

My foot fell asleep.

Jump up and down. Get that blood flowing.

Yeah, I don't think
jumping is a great idea right now.

Fine, don't listen.
Live with your pins and needles.

Anyways, this is Vause, who saved my ass.

She was my official hidey-hole.

- [chuckles]
- Not like that, you perv. [chuckles]

That said, I'm sure, given the chance,
she'd take a run at it.

Trust me, Murphy,
I wouldn't even take a walk at it.

[laughs]

Have a seat.

I said move, Brock.

[Badison speaks indistinctly]

Hello, my name is Aleida,
and I'm here because...

Well... I used to look like you.

But these shakes?

Just three a day for three months
and I lost 100 pounds.

Says 80.

Excuse me?

Oh! Yeah, yeah. They gave me that,
like, 20 pounds ago.

What can I say?
I can't stop losing weight.

Anyway, these shakes...
The best thing about them are

you don't even have to think about
what to eat.

I like thinking about what to eat.
Then I like eating.

Not slurping down some weird fake food.

Yeah, but...

Our Joint Support Plus comes with

selenium and glucosamine
and a bunch of other stuff

to help with wrinkles and other oldness.

Oh, here.
That's 90 tablets for just $29.99.

But today, I can go ahead
and give you two bottles for $50.

That is a special price. What?

Shellfish allergy.

"Crab and Shrimp"?

Hello, you gonna sell or what?

Hey there, is your mom home?

- Don't got a mom.
- Oh.

Well...

I'm kidding. She's out on the corner.

Uh, okay... Um...

Damn, I'm just kidding.
She's out selling f*cking Arbonne.

So you can't get her in
on your janky pyramid scheme

'cause she's already in one.

[sighs in exasperation]

Hey, you weird little brat!

Why you think
your mom's out there selling sh*t, huh?

For you! 'Cause she loves you
and you ruined her f*cking life!

You little sh*t!

Bullshit.

This how you clean up?

Man, I scoured Visitation,
Law Library, Lost and Found

to get that sh*t for you.

You do wanna get pregnant, right?

I wanna get pregnant, not build a robot.

It's not exactly what we used
for bovine insemination class

in rehab number four,

but it's fairly close
in a MacGyver type of way.

Why are you helping me?

I don't know, all right? Boredom?
Budding God complex?

Maybe I just think it'd be cool
to create something good

in the middle of all this darkness.

By "the middle of all this darkness,"
I mean...

- My bush.
- Your bush.

Bingo.

So you go rig something together
to stick up where the babies grow.

And then all we need
is some, uh, piping hot man jizz.

It's still coming out of there
piping hot, right?

It's been a minute.

I'll take that as a yes.

Yeah, I know this place.

If you don't give yourself a task,
it'll eat you up.

What do you do with the mitten and sock?

What is this rubber thing?

Oh, no, no. That one's for me.

[imitates squeaking]

[whispering] Red.

[whispering] Nicky...
what are you doing over here?

I'm trying to get Blanca pregnant.

Oh, so you finally grew a d*ck, did you?

Ah, there she is.

What's going on with you?

I don't need my kitchen to stew.

Who is it this time?

Frieda. She let me
take the fall for her bunker

and now she's living better than all of us

with the pudding and the oranges
in f*cking Florida.

Don't even get me started
on that... lemming.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, it's nice to see
we're both moving on. You know?

I'm impregnating people
and you're finding new people to hate.

Keep it moving, Nichols!

Listen... I miss you, Red.

I miss you too, my babushka.

More than you know.

- [music playing over cell phone]
- [Luschek] And wrist rolls.

Roll it out. Wrist rolls. Roll it out.

And step-touch, step-touch.

And punch. Punch.

Reach. Reach. And punch...

- I need Oxy.
- [Luschek] Reach.

- Wait, what?
- Pull.

Pull.

Is this for you?

I don't f*ck with that sh*t.
I'm trying to help a friend.

[Luschek] And lasso back.

They cut off D-Block's supply

and, right now, that sh*t's hard to find.
Know what I mean?

Let's churn the butter. Churn the butter.

Churn the butter. Yeah. Churn the butter.

Feels pretty good, right?

You know I can't help anyone from D.

[Luschek] Pass that butter.

They're gonna f*ck me up.

And I'm trying
to start my life on the outside.

Come on, man. I really need this.

You know I'm good for it.
Whatever you need, I got you.

[Luschek] Yeah, water that grass.

[Luschek hissing]

Do you ever clean the visitation bathroom?

No.

But I could get assigned.

[Luschek] Now, freestyle cardio.

Feel the b*at. Find the b*at.
Catch the b*at. Catch the b*at!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Criss-cross, apple sauce, turn.

Hey, what the f*ck?
Hey, where are you going?

We haven't even done cooldowns. sh*t!

[music stops]

I think your moves
were turning them on too much.

Really?

Oh, wow. [chuckles]

Hey, wait, don't go. Wait. [stutters]

They're gonna cancel the class.
I need this. You need this!

Not that much.

Hey, uh, your son, um...

How's it going
with the whole trepanation thing?

You remembered?

He's okay.

Wait, Luschek,
you want more people in this class?

This techno sh*t or whatever? It gotta go.

You gotta get better music, like...

Some merengue, Mmm?
Reggaeton, salsa. You know?

I got it. Better music.

[sighs]

[baby crying]

- Where the f*ck is she?
- [sighs]

Oh, here.

Ugh! She smells like sh*t.

Be great if there was
two free inches around here

so I could change her.

- You gotta move this stuff the f*ck out.
- [crying stops]

It's like when I was living
in this guy's storage unit.

And I can't go back to feeling like that
in my own house.

Apparently, nobody's ready
to lead the life that they deserve yet.

I had the door slammed in my face
18 times today.

Then go somewhere with no doors.

All those pyramid people
set up outside the grocery store,

or right in the way on the sidewalk.

All the good spots in the neighborhood
been taken.

And why we gotta be, like, pyramid people?
It's just sales.

You don't wanna end up
like my tia Graciela.

She got in bad with Mary Kay.
Owed 'em a f*ck ton of money.

She had 50 cases of bronzer
she couldn't get rid of. [scoffs]

No pink Cadillac
at the end of that rainbow.

This is healthy and nutritional sh*t.
I should be able to move it.

Mama, what you got is a magic pill,

and only sad, desperate people
fall for magic.

Pill magic anyway.

I saw David Blaine levitate, no sh*t.

You gotta find yourself
some sad, desperate people.

Too bad OTB shut down, right?

- Okay. Okay.
- [baby crying]

Whoa, mama, okay.

With any high-profile case in media,
it's about what's reportable.

Let's stick to our core talking points,

keep it focused
on your personal experience

and say nothing
you want to keep off the record.

Privacy is officially dead.

And, of course,

if you're ever uncomfortable,
I'll step right in.

Well, all right, then.
I finally got me a good-ass lawyer.

[chuckles]

For your readers? I don't know.

Maybe I'd tell them to pay attention
to my story because it's not unique.

With every letter I read,

I'm seeing that the real sad part is...
I'm not special.

I'm one of millions of people
just like me. Millions.

People behind bars
and still caught in the cross fire.

We hear that a lot.

But in more specific terms,
what is "the cross fire"?

You know, a riot,
people dying on both sides.

It's f*cking politics.

[whispers indistinctly]

Sorry. Politics.

- [chuckles softly]
- That human need to blame someone.

But you can't put
a whole system in prison.

So, they coming for me,
but I'm coming for them.

I'm gonna keep standing up.

For better inmate treatment in here.
For more rights in here.

I'm gonna keep standing up for my friend,
Poussey Washington,

because she can't no more.

Ms. Jefferson, in the end,

you were certainly
the face of the Litchfield riot,

to the public at least. Any regrets?

[exhales] I think, uh...

I think I realize that regrets
are for people that have another choice.

That regrets are a privilege for people
that, uh, have free will.

And regrets aren't for people
that are stuck...

in hell... [sighs]

trying to survive.

Years and years of abuse
at the hands of guards

and a prison system
that just looks the other way.

So, no, I don't have any regrets.

Even with all they're doing to me in here.

"Doing to me in here."
What exactly are they doing?

I mean, it's no secret. The abuse.

The guards in here think

that I'm responsible
for the death of one of theirs,

and I know I'm not.

I know that they're responsible
for the death of one of mine.

See, now the only difference is
I don't have no power.

So every day,
I have CO's spitting in my food,

calling me names, censoring my mail,
b*ating up on me

and all I can do
is hope for my day in court.

All I can do... is this.

They b*at you?

That's what I'm saying.
That's what this whole thing is about.

We are locked in cages,
but they are the animals.

[in Spanish]

[in English] That's not
where it's supposed to be.

[in English] I couldn't do it.

[in English] I need you, baby.

Mi amor, I know.

[in Spanish]

[in English] There were
all these little kids walking

[in English] It was very depressing.

I'm not gonna give up on this.

[in Spanish]

[in English] That place is so gross.

[in Spanish]

[sighs] Bueno.

[in English] Maybe talk about...

[in English] I am lost, Mr. Unicorn.

I am so, so lost.

[in Spanish]

[breathing heavily]

[in English] f*ck!

[speaking Spanish]

f*ck!

[panting]

Okay. Okay.

[speaking Spanish]

[moaning]

- Anything from commissary?
- No, I'm tapped out for the week.

- Vause, right?
- Yeah.

According to my list, you got 100 bucks.
[chuckles softly]

You rich, girl.
Wanna buy me some squeeze cheese?

What? That can't be right.

That's what it says.

Hmm. I'll circle back. [grunts]

All right, ladies, come grab your balls.

Hey, you heard about the, uh,
aerobics class that I'm running?

Yeah. Heard it sucks.

Yeah, well, you should see for yourself.
Tell your friends.

Multipurpose Room, 3:00 p.m.
[clicks tongue]

Yeah, getting better music, too.

Yeah, I think you'll like it.
Be a lot more, uh, ethnic-forward.

Seems like you're really getting into
your new rec position.

From afar,
it almost even looks like you care.

What do you want, Chapman?

Dropping balls in the yard

does not constitute
proper physical exercise.

In fact, I recently learned
that inmates have a right

to 30 minutes
of outdoor physical activity every day.

Yeah? Where'd you read that?

A little thing called Wikipedia.
On the Internet.

How did I get access to Wikipedia
on the Internet, you might ask?

Funnily enough,

on a cell phone... that you smuggled in.

So I'm thinking kickball.

They used to have it here.
I saw some pictures.

I think it's time you bring it back.

Sure.

Hey, you know, Badison just got shivved

and they're separating the rec times.
But yeah, why not?

Hey, while I'm at it,

why don't I see if I can install
a r*fle range for you ladies, too, huh?

Yeah.

Okay, Chapman, I could bust your ass
for possession of a phone.

Mmm-hmm. And then what? I get a sh*t,
spend a few days in Ad Seg?

You would lose your job.

Maybe even get arrested.

I want to play kickball.

I have very fond memories of it
from third grade.

Kickball.

I'll see what I can do.

[Badison laughs]

Youse f*cking suck. [scoffs]

I need to talk to you. Alone.

God, Vause,
why are you so obsessed with me?

I am done playing games.
I owed you a favor, and now I'm done.

Chill, chill.

Did you put that money in my commissary?

You're upset 'cause a big chunk of money
fell into your lap?

Consider it an engagement gift.
No strings attached.

I'm not doing it, okay?

This thing that you're trying
to rope me into? It ends now.

She kept saying, "I can't go back there.
I can't go back to Max."

And I looked past it over and over again.

Now, I'm out here in a do-rag,
doing nothing with do-nothings.

- No offense.
- None taken.

We wouldn't hang out with us either.

And she's in there with the pudding,
and fresh fruit and the yogurt.

Okay, now that part is super effed-up.

Right? That bitch should not be
getting perks while we suffer.

Yeah, we should get perks, too.

No. She should suffer.

Feels like you have a serious veranda
against this bitch.

I do. All the "V" words.
And I know I'm not the only one.

You look like you've been in here awhile.

I'm looking for a woman.

Aren't we all, sister?

There's someone in here
I'm trying to find.

Have you heard of anyone in here
with a vendetta?

I'll also accept enduring grudge
or longstanding beef.

Definitely. Two years ago,

somebody stole a can of Beefaroni
from my cell

and replaced it with alphabet soup.
Nobody wants that letter sh*t.

Of course.
That's like the homework of soup.

Exactly.

And I've been trying to find
and k*ll that bitch ever since.

Thirty years ago, this biker gal, Frieda,
duped some idiot in here...

I don't know what you're talking about,

but if I did,
I wouldn't call that inmate an idiot.

Watch yourself, Long John Silver.
[laughs maliciously]

Did I do okay?

I mean, I've never really
officially done an interview before.

- Mmm.
- Did I seem smart? Did I ramble?

God, I hope I did not ramble.

Uh, I guess I rambled.

You run your mouth a lot.

Excuse me?

Yeah. You think you're smart

and then you run your mouth
and that's how you end up where you are.

I don't understand.

You're the one
who told me to do the interview.

I thought you were gonna
talk about the case.

Didn't think you were gonna
sh*t on all of us.

He was asking me what it's like.

It's hell every day, right?

Guess what? The guards? CO's?
We're right in here with you.

Most of us are trying to do our best,
given the circumstances.

- Come on, Tamika.
- [buzzer sounds]

You see how I'm being treated.

This is people doing their best?

I stuck out my neck for you. To help you.
And this is how you do?

I wasn't talking about...

I wasn't talking about you. I wasn't.

God, please.

I was talking about them.

Yeah, well, I am them.

[sighs]

♪ Young money! ♪

♪ You dig? ♪

♪ Mack, I'm going in ♪

♪ A millionaire
I'm a Young Money millionaire ♪

♪ Tougher than Nigerian hair ♪

♪ My criteria compared to your career
Just isn't fair ♪

♪ I'm a venereal disease
Like a menstrual bleed ♪

♪ Sister, brother, son, daughter, father
Motherfuck a copper ♪

♪ Got the Maserati dancing on the bridge
p*ssy poppin' ♪

♪ Tell the coppers: "Ha-ha-ha-ha ♪

♪ You can't catch him
You can't stop him" ♪

♪ I go by them goon rules
If you can't b*at 'em then you pop 'em ♪

♪ You can't man 'em then you mop 'em ♪

♪ You can't stand 'em then you drop 'em ♪

♪ You pop 'em 'cause we pop 'em
Like Orville Redenbacher ♪

♪ Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! ♪

♪ m*therf*cker, I'm ill ♪

[oil sizzling]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ A million here, a million there ♪

♪ Sicilian bitch with long hair
With coke in her derriere ♪

♪ Like smoking the thinnest air ♪

♪ I open the Lamborghini
Hopin' them crackers see me ♪

♪ Like, "Look at that bastard Weezy!" ♪

♪ He's a beast, he's a dog
He's a mothafuckin' problem ♪

♪ Okay, you're a goon
But what's a goon to a goblin? ♪

I don't know how to tell you.
I just don't f*ck with cashews.

But those are, like, the top nut.

- [scoffs]
- I mean, you open up a bag of mixed nuts

and you hope for a cashew.

Mmm-mmm, not me.

I open a bag of mixed nuts
and I hope to get sunflower seeds.

That's not a nut-nut. [chuckles]

[both laughing]

Well, neither is a cashew.

It's a drupe. D-R-U-P-E.

- I learned that from the Rasta...
- [door opens]

...making me incense from the train. Uh.

- The f*ck?
- sh*t!

You were supposed to lock the door.

I thought you were gonna do it.

- You lying.
- I... I...

[whispers] I'm not lying.

Um, welcome to Storky's.

Home of the all new Biscuit Burger
and Gravy Bundle.

May I... Can I help you, Michael Spence?

Ay, yo, can you help me out?

I don't know. If it's burger...
If it's burger-related.

[sighs] I need the money.

- Uh, what?
- The money.

Give me the f*cking register money.
Hurry up!

- Look... Look...
- Give me the...

Okay. Michael, listen,
I want to, but I gotta tell you,

if I open up this drawer this late,

it's gonna set off all the police alarms
and video cameras, okay?

sh*t. Then...

Then give me your Js!

What?

The Jordans. On your feet. I seen 'em.

Man, come on, please.
These are the new eights...

Just give me the f*cking JJordans!

Man, this is some black-on-black crime.
This is bullshit!

You could've robbed some white bitch.
We was in social studies together.

Shut the f*ck up!

And I'm watching you, all right?

So don't be pressing no buttons
or no sh*t.

God!

Please, man! [grunts angrily]

[Tamika] Tasha. Oh, my God.

- You okay?
- No.

The n*gga just stole my shoes,
and I stepped in something wet.

Is that gravy?

Or did you piss on the floor
when you was acting like a little bitch?

Oh, f*ck you. He had a g*n.

I thought for sure I'd be moppin'
your blood up off the floor.

Yeah, like you were supposed to mop
sh*t up around here.

Tonight was supposed to be
your night to clean up.

Uh, I was getting to it.

I just wanted to get my smoke on first.

You know I clean better when I'm high.

Oh, hold up. Hold up. Hold up.

We've been getting high as f*ck in here
and they got security cameras?

Girl, please.

This place too cheap
for some f*cking security cameras.

But Michael Spence don't know that.
Dumbass.

You... You bad. You one bad sister.

Well, I'm a product of my environment.

[Tamika clapping]

Thank you. Now, clean the f*ck up.

So, I was thinking
that we should split cleaning duties

so we can get through it faster.

Yes, please, let's go faster

so we can spend more time
in our prison cells.

Ah. You got attitude, girl. I like it.

I'll tell you what, I take the bathroom
and you can do the visitation area.

Deal. And our agreement is final.
No take-backsies.

Let's shake on it.

This must be your first time
on visitation duty.

Yeah. What's the big deal?

Well, I don't know whether the visitors
are nervous to see their loved ones

or if it's the long car rides here,

but the visitors' bathroom
is basically Chernobyl.

I don't know who that is.

My advice?

Hold your breath and start spraying madly.

[breathing heavily]

[gasps]

[sighs]

Yes, it is smart to do it in spurts.

Oh, hi, ma'am.
May I speak to you for a second?

- Hey, how you doing?
- Hey.

- Uh, you just saw your girlfriend?
- Yeah.

Yeah. What's all this?

Oh. Here. Try this sample.

How much more time does she have left?

Mmm. Not bad. Five months.

That's nothing.

You know, in five months you could
get yourself straight-up jacked for her.

I mean, not that you don't look good now.

This stuff works?

Look at me. Would I lie to you?

- Can I tell you something?
- What's that?

I used to be in there too.

- Oh, yeah?
- Well, not there. Up the hill at camp.

Minimum.

And now I'm just out here, you know,
trying to make money to get my kids back.

But this sh*t right here is the real-real.
This Nutri Herbal. It's transformational.

- How much?
- $30.

Yeah? You got it.

Thanks.

Thank you so much.

Hello, sir.
May I interest you in some Nutri Herbal?

Sir, we have it in chai.

Hi. Hi, beautiful couple.
May I have a second of your time, please?

[girl] Mommy, can I have the milkshake?

- Honey, we're not buying anything today.
- Hi, no, listen. Hi.

- It's not a milkshake.
- Oh, it ain't gonna hurt her any.

Here you go, little girl.
Have the pink one.

And here's one for you too, Mom.
Look at that.

- Instant breakfast for the whole family.
- Okay.

Hey, have you ever thought about
making some extra money?

Oh! Hey, hey! I'm so sorry about this,
ma'am. Enjoy your visit in prison.

Yo. What the hell you doing?
That's my Hot and Healthy Heather, yo!

You cannot solicit here.

I will help you pack up
because it is raining and...

'cause I wanna take you out.

What do you mean?
Like, k*ll me or out on a date?

On a date. Look, I'm out of here
in, like, 15 minutes.

- What do I gotta do?
- Eat.

If you're hungry.

You like Red Lobster?
It's Endless Shrimp right now.

Great.

You can have
all the little shrimps you want.

I'm gonna have the lobster.

And a steak.

Nice. Surf and turf.

All right. Come on.

[inmates speaking indistinctly]

- You need to come with me.
- I'm in the middle of something.

I'll keep your place.

[Red sighs]

[indistinct chatter over walkie-talkie]

I'll be back later.

You're going to leave us in here?

Telling me how to do my job?

[cell door shuts]

Have a seat.

Okeydokey.

The way I see it,
this haircut could go one of two ways.

I am very sorry, Carol,
but I didn't realize it was you who...

Was the idiot who let your friend Frieda
sell me out?

She is not my friend.

And this is a classic miscommunication
because that is not at all what I meant.

Then what did you mean?

I am the idiot.

I was the f*cking queen,

and I've been reduced to the fool
because Frieda sold me out.

Like she sold you out 30 years ago.

And how does she get away with it?

Every single time.

I want to put an end to it,

and I needed to find the person in here
who was as angry as I am,

who knows what it's like
to be betrayed by her.

Well, it looks like you found her.

Now...

let's fix that f*cked-up hair of yours,
shall we?

[Red sighs]

I'd love that.

[salsa music playing]

[Luschek] Quick steps!

Quick steps. Uh, quick steps.
Just quick steps. Quick steps.

They were right.
This class does suck my nuts.

[inmates giggling]

All right. Hey, hold on, hold on.
At least he's trying.

- Can I help you?
- Yeah.

Okay, ladies. Partner up.
Everybody find a partner.

Face each other
and move your hips like this. Look.

There you go. Move those hips.

Keep your distance. No touching.
Remember, we're shadow-dancing.

- You got the stuff?
- Yeah. You got my sperm?

Still warm. So, how we gonna do this?

Okay, everybody switch with your partners,
but keep moving those hips. Switch.

All right. Bend your knees just
a little bit and keep those hips moving.

It's all about the flirt. There you go.

Looking good, ladies.

Come on, Luschek.

Switch.

- What you got in your hand there?
- Looks like our Oxy.

Did you think we weren't gonna notice
Blanca's 30-pill order?

You know our sh*t can't cross enemy lines.

Your daddy shouldn't have f*cked up
a good thing when he had it.

[Daya grunting]

[groans]

[Daya coughs]

What the f*ck happened to you?
Did you get the stuff?

They jumped me. c**t-Block b*tches.

- Where's the Oxy? Did you get it?
- They took it. [sighs]

Oh, f*ck!

What are you more concerned about?
Me or the Oxy?

Hey, every one of those b*tches
is gonna get her face carved up.

For touching you.

That's the right answer.

I managed to pocket a few
right before they got to me.

sh*t.

[Daddy grunts]

- You're sexy, you know that?
- Yeah.

Show me where they hurt you.

No, I'm good.

There's one thing I learned in prison,

is how to take a licking
and keep on ticking.

What's that?

You were gonna keep those pills
for yourself, weren't you?

No.

Yes. Maybe.

Why does it matter?
I gave 'em to you, didn't I?

That's right. That's a good girl.

Ah.

Hurry, before the diablitos die.

Where's my speculum?

Was I supposed to get a speculum?

I'm kidding. All right. Relax.
That's an order.

Everything is here.

The straw, the spunk.

I'd do it myself, but frankly,
I did a test run with Go-Gurt,

and it was a mess.

And a waste of good Go-Gurt.

I gotta say I was hoping

that you were gonna go
with the Krazy Straw.

A little touch of whimsy,
but this is good, too.

- Uh, two in one. Straightforward.
- Mmm-hmm.

All right. Now. Just, uh...

You're welcome. Yeah. Relax, lady.

This is my area of expertise.
One of them, anyway.

I'm also surprisingly great
at needlepoint.

Huh.

Mmm.

Keep that for your baby book. [sighs]
You ready, mama?

- Ready, mama. [sighs]
- Mmm-hmm.

Let's make a life today.

[Flores chuckles]

[sighs] Okay.

- Now, relax these babies. Okay.
- Mmm-hmm. Oh.

[blows straw]

- Yep. And we have lift off. All right.
- [chuckles]

- All right. Keep these legs up.
- Okay.

Hey, you know.

I hear that it helps the whole process
if you have an orgasm during, uh...

I'm not actually suggesting, you know,
volunteering myself,

but I do feel it would fall
under the jurisprudence of, uh,

"Gay for the stay, straight at the gate."

f*ck!

[Nicky] Well, sounds like
you're already there.

Well, you know it happens.

Just being close to my pheromone
cloud can have that effect.

Oh, yeah. [grunts]
Looks like my work here is done. [sighs]

Oh, f*ck.

Hey, any mail for me?

Nope. Nothing for you.

Yo, I swear, you was channeling
some American Gangster sh*t.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, make sure you lock the damn thing
this time.

- Yeah, I locked it.
- sh*t!

Yeah. Yeah, I was, like,
looking up at you and thinking,

"Why doesn't she just give this fool
the damn money?"

I mean, come on.
What else was we supposed to do? Right?

"Um, hello, police?
I'd like to report a robbery.

Uh, yes, we're high as f*ck.

And yes, there's money missing
from the register."

Who do you think they was gonna blame?

True. True.

I can't even front
'cause you probably saved my life tonight.

[Taystee chuckles]

For real.

That was some
not-all-heroes-wear-capes-type sh*t.

Yeah. And some
don't wear shoes either, yo.

Oh, right. Damn, girl.

- I would give you mine, I would, but...
- But you wear, like, child sizes.

I can't believe
dude took your f*cking Jordans.

But the joke is on that dummy
because those ain't Jordans.

- Those was Gordons!
- What? For real?

Yo, I got them from Canal Street.
Canal Street Special, yo.

Special, baby.

- Whoo.
- Uh, uh, uh, get it. Uh.

- Yo. Uh, wait. It's almost 3:00 a.m.
- Damn.

I gotta go. My moms is gonna be pissed.

Yeah.

- You coming to work next Wednesday?
- Girl, you know it. [clicks tongue]

♪ And the cypress trees are leaving ♪

♪ And everybody, they are grieving ♪

♪ I'm glad I had a friend
Glad I had a friend ♪

♪ Glad to have known you ♪

♪ So I must know you know ♪

♪ Wherever you had come from ♪

♪ That must be where you had to go ♪

♪ But whichever way you went ♪

♪ I can walk aboutjust recalling ♪

♪ Sweet memories not appalling ♪

♪ That way
My mind does truly tend ♪

♪ I'm glad I had a friend ♪