07x02 - Just Desserts

[bunniefuu]

[cell door slams]

[theme song playing]

[cell door slams]

[cell door slams]

-[indistinct chatter]
-[upbeat music playing]

[DJ] Let's get
this booty-shakin' contest started!

[crowd cheering]

Let's go, y'all. Show some love
for booty number one!

Okay. I like that.

Make some noise for booty number two!

[crowd jeering]

Okay. That look like it hurt.

Make some noise
for b-- b-- booty number three!

[crowd cheering]

Looks like we got a winner!

[whoops]

Never stop believing in yourself.

Oh! Oh, my God! Like, every guy in here
is looking at you right now.

You're like the Nelson Mandela
of thirst trapping.

I don't know who that is, but thank you.

-Check it out.
-Ooh.

NBA?

Small forward and two guard.

Zero minutes between them,

but they both came out
of defensive systems

and it takes a while
to get used to run-and-g*n.

Interesting, 'cause I didn't hear anything
after I said "NBA,"

and you didn't say no.

Okay, I'm gonna laugh now. [laughing]

-Hi.
-Hi back.

Can we offer you ladies some champagne?

-Oh, no. That's fine--
-We'll take two.

I thought you were only doing
soda with lime

'cause of your parole?

I'm not supposed to be in a club either,
okay? f*ck a parole.

This is the NBA, girl. Thank you.

I find that I photograph best
in the morning,

when the face skin is tightest.

That sounds wonderful.
What am I doing here?

Sorry, but it couldn't wait.

This, um, inmate overdose business?
It's terrible for PR.

And it is our third inmate death
in as many months,

and I am facilitating a growth period
right now.

It looks bad. It looks bad.

Do you hear what I'm saying?
It just-- It looks bad.

And we can't have that.
So we need to make some changes.

So, what are you thinking? Extra guards?

Additional surveillance equipment?

We could bring in a security consultant.
I know this--

No, we need something bold.
Something distracting.

A shiny object.
I'm replacing you as warden.

You know, you really should never
be lit from below.

Makes you look like a monster.

-[whimpering and crying]
-I know. Being alive is hard.

I really wanna thank you
for the opportunity to earn my keep.

Oh, well, I'm not gonna say
I'm not conflicted about it,

but, um, it's a good arrangement.

Otherwise, my whole haul from
the craft fair would be going to a sitter.

Now, when you warm up the breast milk,

make sure to remove the water
from the heat before they steam,

otherwise it murders all the antibodies.

"Steam is m*rder."

You know, I'm sorry
I haven't been super helpful lately.

[Neri] Uh-huh.

It's just that things with Alex are weird.

You know,
I thought it was a temporary bump,

like a bad vacation
or an unsolicited body criticism,

but she's missed
our last two scheduled calls.

-Uh-huh. You know how to bathe her, right?
-Uh...

In the sink, warm water,
and, uh, don't drown her.

And her socialization group is at 1:00.
I'll text you the address.

"Socialization group."

Yeah. It's basically just a support group
for mommies.

They know all about you.
And don't let Maia breastfeed Goodall.

She's trying to get everyone
to round-robin nurse

so the babies get more antibodies,
but I think it's peculiar.

They know all about me?
Do they know that I'm a felon?

I don't think so, but to be honest,

I-- I don't really remember anything
from the last six weeks.

[exclaims] There you are.

-Do I have to?
-Relax. You'll be fine.

Last week was almost entirely
horror stories

about episiotomies gone wrong.

Okay.

I am gonna miss you so much!

You are smart and funny.
You have wisdom and insight.

You deserve equal pay.
And strength is beauty. [sniffs] Ooh.

We missed her cue. sh*t city.

Make sure to change her
before she gets a rash.

Okay. Good luck.

I am trusting you with
the most important part of my life.

-Don't forget to wipe front to back.
-Uh-huh.

[sniffs] Ooh.

I avoided the pig
for some of the obvious connotations...

[yawns]

Hey, miss. Eating up all the cereal,
sitting on your butt, watching TV all day.

How 'bout doing some dishes or something?
Make yourself useful.

There's only ten more minutes
in this episode.

Finish later. Go contribute.

Nobody gets a free ride around here.

You get this back when the sink is empty
and the dishwasher's full.

You know how lucky you are
to even have a dishwasher?

You believe these damn kids?

Spoiled already! Getting all used
to the good life and sh*t.

Corky? You listening to me?

Huh?

Oh. I-- I'm sorry, honey.

I'm a little out of it this morning.
I gotta run.

Ain't you forgetting something?

I'm sorry, I don't know
what I was thinking.

-What are you doing?
-I'm kissing you goodbye.

You forgot this.

[whispering] I told you about
Daya's friend Daddy, the OD, right?

Yeah, thanks for the update.
What am I supposed to do with that?

And I told you
about all the drug seizures, didn't I?

Exactly. That means b*tches in there
ain't got dr*gs now.

That's supply and demand. Business sh*t.

Yeah, only the prison is on high alert.
You know what that means?

It means that corporate is havin' us
doing random drug searches every hour.

I just got an email that Fig
is getting transferred because of this.

Now is not the time.

Fig is getting transferred?
That means they looking for a new warden.

So?

So? You need to step up!

You should be running that place.

-You think?
-Hell yeah!

Just sign a few papers, lockdown.
Anybody could do that sh*t.

Plus, you're next in line.

Think about how much easier
smuggling would be, huh?

You better go to corporate
and take what's yours.

Warden. I never even
considered that before.

Well, it's a good thing
Corky got a businesswoman by his side.

Maybe we can come up
with a different pet name for me?

["Night Games" by Alcatrazz
playing over car speakers]

For Artesian?

♪ See the man in the busy street
He's almost incomplete ♪

Thanks for the ride.

I could buy a new car for what
they're asking to fix my transmission.

Hey, no worries.
You can pay me back however you want.

-I'm gonna take the bus tomorrow.
-[chuckles]

Can't. Doesn't run early enough
to make the morning drug search.

This is such horseshit!

Why do I have to come in early
to be searched,

without pay, when everyone knows
who's smuggling?

They do?

You don't bring in three burritos a day
and look like Hellman.

Oh.

So you've been checking out his figure?

Ew. No, I f*cking hate that guy.
I wish he'd get caught.

You're talking about him
going to prison, you know.

You're not thinking about snitching,
are ya?

No.

I'm part of the team.

[chuckles] Jesus f*ckin' Christ, Pena,

are you f*ckin' vision impaired?
You didn't even touch it.

I think my scope's f*cked up.

Did you check the part
that goes between your legs?

Could be there's a rod missing.

Yeah, I'll pull it out
and you can see for yourself.

-Maybe suck it.
-[Dante] Okay.

Calm it down, ladies.

I noticed you put a lot of pressure
on your shoulder when you fire--

McCullough, you giving him beauty tips?

Mind your own business.

You just wanna make sure
that shoulder pressure stays consistent.

That's a good idea. She can teach you
to sh**t even more like a p*ssy.

Hit more of my target than you.

[staff sergeant] PFC McCullough.

You know you're not making any friends
by showing off like that.

I was only trying to help Pena
with his sh**ting.

That's all fine, but you need these boys
to respect you and like you.

You gotta show them
you're part of the team.

How do I do that, Sarge?

It's my job to prepare you for combat,
is it not?

So when you're in the combat zone
and one of those boys yells "contact,"

you need to be able
to look at every one of them in the eye

and know that if they have to
put their life on the line for you,

there'll be no hesitation.

-So find a way.
-Yes, Sarge.

-Where's my money?
-Ugh.

My ear is moist now.
What the hell is wrong with you?

What's wrong with me
is you haven't f*cking paid me yet.

[sighs] Yeah, I need
to talk to you about that.

[whispering] These random drug searches
are making it impossible for me to sell.

So you need to hang on to this
until things calm down.

It's only a matter of time
before they check in on me,

and I am not swallowing this again.

They're searching our lockers twice a day,

so you better Tampax that thing
before I make like I caught you with it.

I can't tuck it in my undies

'cause I got a really big d*ck.
Ain't enough room.

Yeah, 'cause that's how guys
with really big dicks talk.

You wouldn't believe how big.

So be a good girl
and sell the rest of that package,

or I'll shove my jumbo d*ck
down your throat, too.

Now I know for sure you're a f*ckin' d*ke.

Most girls would've creamed at that offer.

-It just doesn't make sense.
-What?

Are you gonna eat
those little meaty fingers?

How can I think about eating
little meat fingers

when there's so much going on right now?

What's going on right now?

Did Old Man Frieda
finally come out of her cell?

No, I am not going to be distracted
by Old Man Frieda and her haunted cell.

This is important.

Taystee didn't k*ll anyone, right?

But the court says that she is a m*rder*r.

-So--
-So f*ckin' what?

So, the system must have made a mistake!

I know, it sounds impossible,
but that has to be what happened.

The court system actually made a mistake.

-Oh, sh*t.
-I know.

Should we call the president?

I'm gonna ask somebody
if they have his number.

[loudly] Hey! Does anybody got
the president's number on them?

-No? No?
-No--

P-Tuck. P-Tuck, stop playing
"call the president." This is serious.

The court system actually made a mistake.

Big whoop!
The court system always makes mistakes.

[chuckling] Oh, yeah, okay.

Oh, yeah, okay.

So you think that everybody here
deserves to be here?

Yes.

Ethel, she threatened
a school bus full of children

and one kid had an asthma att*ck and d*ed.

I didn't know he had asthma. Mmm-mmm.

Well, Judith, she threw acid
in a woman's face.

All right. What about you?

I deserve to be here. I hurt a boy. Dylan.

Right, but you're... [sighs] You're crazy.

-I'm--
-Special-brained. Whatever.

But do you really think
you deserve to be here?

I wanna take this time to thank everybody
who came out to pay tribute to our friend,

our leader, our protector,

Daddy.

I know...

I know she would've appreciated it.

And now Swope has a poem
she'd like to share.

[exhales]

"In the twilight of a moon
as full and new as the burning sun

You enter me with your fingers

And when you enter me, slick and smooth

Fingers warm like hot breath
against my neck..."

[whispers] Where the f*ck is Diaz?

Would you show up to a memorial service
for somebody you poisoned?

Saw it in her face when she found out.
f*ckin' nothing.

Yeah, that bitch made a move.

We're gonna have
to make a move of our own.

"I explode with the thunderous cr*ck
of a thousand tiny hearts

Breaking across
the greater metropolitan areola"

[sniffling]

-[Dayanara] What do you want?
-I just...

I just noticed that you wasn't
at the memorial service and, like...

I just wanted to tell you
that you shouldn't be afraid

to acknowledge your grief to people.

It's the first step in moving on.

-Where do you get that bullshit from?
-I read it in a pamphlet.

You know, pamphlets really been helping me
take my life in a new direction.

They're free in the rec room.

Well, your pamphlet is wrong
about my situation.

I ain't welcome down there.

But why would people not want you to go
to your own girlfriend's memorial service?

[sighs] Because...

She made her own decisions.
You cannot blame yourself for this.

Yes, I can.

You didn't make her
take those dr*gs, Daya.

Oh.

Oh, sh*t.

[whispering] Look, I just wanted
to teach her a lesson.

I wanted her to stop cheating.
I didn't think she was gonna f*ckin' die.

Barb just freaked out when she took it.

-[whispering] Do the other girls know?
-I think so.

You cannot go down there.

Um...

[stammering] Maybe this is a way out.

-Some more of your pamphlet bullshit?
-No, like, for real.

For real. Look, you can leave
this whole g*ng thing behind.

You could get clean.
You already got a life sentence, right?

So you go to the administration

and maybe they can transfer you
for your own protection.

Send me where? To Ad Seg? To the SHU?

It's better than getting shanked,
all right?

It's worth a sh*t. You got somebody
in the admin that you trust?

[breathing heavily]

Are you sexy?

Are you sexy?

-You're a sexy m*therf*cker!
-Yeah, I am.

-You are a sexy m*therf*cker! Yes!
-I am a sexy m*therf*cker.

Uh, hello? Uh, hi, this is Rick Hopper.

I'd like to be transferred
to Linda Ferguson, please.

-[camera shutter clicking]
-You're proficient with Photoshop, yes?

-Mmm-hmm.
-[phone rings]

-This better be important.
-[Ricky] Hi, Linda!

Um, you know, I can call back
if it's a bad time, or--

[both whispering indistinctly]

Arms folded or unfolded? Unfolded, right?

Because I don't wanna look like
a local news anchor. Or do I?

Maybe I do.

-I'm waiting, Mr. Hopper.
-Uh, yeah, I-- I was...

I was wondering
if you had given any thought

to, uh, who you were going to pick
to be the next warden.

I see. Don't worry, Mr. Hopper,
you're at the top of our list.

[chuckles]

That's great. I'm at the top of the list.
[stammers] That's wonderful.

Uh, yes! [chuckles]

Speaking of,
do you have any recommendations

for your replacement as head guard?

[stammers] Uh, I don't know. [chuckles]

Officer Hellman. Officer Stefanovic.
Uh, honestly, anybody but Alvarez.

Alvarez, huh?
A Hispanic could be interesting.

There is a big federal incentive
for diversity hires.

Except for he's not really Hispanic, so--

Great. So just send me a list of names
by this afternoon,

and we will get on with the interviews.

-Okay--
-[line disconnects]

You're a sexy m*therf*cker! Ahhh!

[Kiki] You're not wiping
Kellen's ass for me.

You're doing it so that
your baby isn't marinating in sh*t.

Exactly.

Kim won't even do it.

Oh, no. No. You can't be serious.

Well, she's very triggered by the smell.
It reminds her of her childhood in India.

Bullshit. That is straight-up selfishness.
You have to divorce her today.

What about you, Piper?

-Me?
-Yeah.

Why don't you tell us about yourself?

All we know about you
is that you're Neri's sister-in-law.

Oh, no. There's not much to tell.

Oh, please. We're desperate
to live vicariously, okay?

So just tell us about all the sex
that you're having. And the dr*gs.

Well, I haven't done
very many dr*gs lately,

because I just...

I haven't.

And I haven't been having
very much sex, because my wife is...

I'm in a long-distance relationship.

-Where is she?
-Far away.

I've seen her once in the last two months.

-Oh, that's hard.
-[Piper] It is.

It's really hard to be in a relationship
with someone you never see.

And then there's all this pressure
when you finally do see each other.

Exactly! It's like...

I used to hear it if she didn't get
a good night's sleep.

And now I have no idea...

what she's doing or how she's feeling,

and I'm just afraid
she might do something reckless.

Well, did you marry someone
who does reckless things?

When I brought Kellen home,
I would not leave Sasha alone with her.

Right? 'Cause I was so afraid.

I don't know what I was afraid of.
That he'd do something I wouldn't do?

But I had to remind myself.
I married someone smart.

And I had to trust his judgment,

even if it wasn't
exactly the way I'd do things.

[Maia] Who wants a turn nursing Nathan?

-[indistinct chatter]
-All right, listen up!

A few quick things,
then I'll let you get back to goofing off.

There've been a lot of rumors going around
about the place the last couple days,

and I wanted to set the record straight.

There are gonna be some
administrative changes to the prison.

Interim Warden Figueroa
will be leaving us.

-I didn't hear what he said.
-Also, I wanted to inform you all

that PolyCon is currently
accepting applications

for the position of head guard.

If you'd like to be considered,
there will be a bin in the break room

where you can drop off
your application forms.

Are we to understand
that there will be two head guards?

Not quite.

[Danilo] Hopper. Hopper.

[Dixon] Warden Hopper! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

-I feel like I can accomplish anything!
-[all laughing]

Okay, all right. Settle down, all right?

Nothing is official yet.

And lastly, if you have any information

regarding the dr*gs
coming into the prison,

be sure to come directly to me.

I appreciate your assistance
in keeping this place drug-free.

All right? Now back to work

before I make it my first official act
to fire the lot of you!

I don't know about head guard.
Seems like a headache to me.

Comes with a $65K-a-year Aspirin. Not bad.

$25K more than we make now?

$40,000?

Y'all make $8,000 more than me?

Well, it's probably
because I got m*llitary experience.

So do I.

Guess you gotta pay a titty tax.

[Danilo] Titty tax.

Ward, can you believe
those guys make $40,000?

-I'm only pulling in $32,000.
-I make $29,500.

Oh.

-That is f*cked up.
-Yeah.

We should go to Hopper
and demand equal pay.

Hmm. Tried that last year.

He said I needed to bring something else
to the table.

So I started taking night classes.

"Bring something to the table." Hmm.

-[Danilo exclaims]
-[Hellman] Whoo!

What if I let them know
who's smuggling the dr*gs in here?

[exhales sharply] That could be something.

It'd make you
a whole lot of enemies, though.

[grunts] Guys, you don't gotta do this.

[Dante] No, I read about this in the UCMJ.

When a private first class
has a 21st birthday,

the offending soldier
must submit to be pink-bellied

or face an FG Article 15.

-McCullough, get his shirt.
-[mouths] No.

-[McCullough] Sorry.
-Come on. No. [groans]

All right. You're in for it.

-[all laughing and yelling]
-[Pena shouting]

All right, all right, all right.

You've earned your gifts.

Jacobs, Rios, show pink-bellied Pena
what he has won.

-[all cheering]
-[groaning]

[Dante] Booze! And more booze!

And a sh*t ton of booze!

[all cheering]

[stammers] I got Pena a present, too.

-What is it? A poem?
-[all chuckle]

Uh, thanks?

-Yeah, thanks for the cash, Grandma.
-Hold on. That's not the present.

Jesus, Grandma, Pena's gonna be 22
by the time this party gets started.

[Middle Eastern music playing]

[all exclaim]

Holy sh*t!

You didn't!

[all laughing]

-[marine] Oh, baby!
-[whispers indistinctly]

[marines whooping]

Oh, yeah.

Holy f*ckin' sh*t, McCullough.
You snuck a hajji stripper into camp?

She's actually a Puerto Rican girl
from C Company.

Gave up my whole paycheck
to get her to do this.

-Epic.
-Yeah.

[all chanting] Grandma! Grandma! Grandma!

[all cheering]

-♪ I'm an outlaw ♪
-♪ I'm an outlaw ♪

-♪ Quick on the draw ♪
-♪ Quick on the draw ♪

-♪ Somethin' you've never seen before ♪
-♪ You've never seen ♪

♪ And I dare a m*therf*cker
To come in my face ♪

♪ It's so real, how I feel ♪

♪ 'Cause this society
That makes a n*gga want to k*ll ♪

♪ They sayin' it
But I wanna hear it ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, you want me? ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, you want me? ♪

[all cheering]

♪ Ooh, baby, you want me? ♪

♪ Well, you can get
This lap dance here for free ♪

Motorboat her!

[all chanting] Motorboat!
Motorboat! Motorboat!

Okay.

[all cheering]

Yes!

[Dante] McCullough.

McCullough?

McCullough.

What the f*ck? What the f*ck?

What the f*ck?

Jesus f*cking Christ!

What the f*ck is wrong with you?
You're such a f*cking douchebag!

-f*ck.
-[scoffs]

[Pat] "I need you to be clever, Bean.

I need you to think of solutions
to problems we haven't seen yet.

I want you to try things
that no one has ever tried

because they're absolutely stupid."

What do you think of that?
Trying stupid solutions?

Mom, do I deserve to be here?

What makes you ask that, honey?

Because I don't know.

Do you remember the talk we had
before your trial?

Where we said that you did something
you weren't supposed to,

and Dylan got hurt,
and the judge was going to tell us

how you could make it up
to Dylan's family?

Mmm... But I didn't know.

I-- I didn't know I was kidnapping.

I was just trying to make friends.

And when I reached for him,

I was trying to help him.
I didn't know he was gonna fall.

I know that, Suzanne.

But you think I deserve to be here
for 15 years?

Well, honey, it's complicated.

But it was an accident.

Sometimes, accidents
have legal consequences.

So you do think I deserve to be here.

You deserve to be in a facility

that can help you
with your cognitive difference.

But...

I'm not, Mom.

I'm here.

And I'm asking you,

do you think, if it was an accident
and I didn't mean to do it,

and I'm sorry, was that fair?

Or...

did the judge make a mistake?

No,

you don't deserve to be here.

It's not fair.

[Caputo] And the last theory
is retribuvi...

"Retrivibi..."

"Retribuvitism"?

[groans]

I was a freakin' warden.
I never said that word.

The retribution,

one basically says
that people who commit crimes

should be punished
because they deserve it.

No other reason.

Uh, theories of...

-[bell ringing]
-All right, I guess you're dismissed.

Don't forget, your paragraphs
on what prison means to you

are due Friday.

Uh, and I want real paragraphs this time.
More than three sentences.

[woman] Would you?

He's, like, an older man
who's teaching me things, so obviously.

Mr. Caputo, can we talk for a sec?

I gotta go cook dinner,
feed the beast that is my girlfriend.

But walk with me.

How am I doing?

Be honest.

Uh, it's--
it's getting better, definitely.

I'm not sure the overhead projector thing
is connecting, though.

Right. No, that's good.
That's good feedback.

I'll check with a few other students,
see if they feel the same way

before I start messing with the formula.

I wanted to talk to you

because the head guard position
is opening up,

and I'm thinking of going for it.

I think it's a great idea.

Um, they're getting one of the higher-ups
from corporate to do interviews.

-Linda Ferguson?
-Ferguson?

Yeah, got any tips?

Yeah, don't say her name three times
in a dark bathroom.

-She's what you'd call a soulless bitch.
-Hmm.

And she wears a wig.

Anything useful?

[chuckles softly] Sorry.

Uh, Linda only cares
about the bottom line.

Her favorite phrase is "status quo."

So long as you tell her
you'll maintain the status quo

while cutting costs, you're golden.

Toe the company line.
Don't make any waves.

You're gonna do great.

Thanks. For the advice.

And it's "retributivism!"

"Tivism," not "vitism."

Huh.

Where the f*ck did you come from?

-I just ruined you for life.
-Mmm.

I think you might be right. I'm sprung.
[chuckles]

I can tell. The way you were cumming
like a junior high schooler and sh*t.

[both laugh]

How is it possible I never saw you
at that club before?

You wasn't looking hard enough.

No way. I come to New York a lot
during the off-season.

It's weird I never saw you.

Well, I-- I been in Ohio.

What part? I got cousins there.

-I've been traveling, too. So...
-Hmm.

-Yep.
-sh*t!

Oh, sh*t. I'm late for a meeting.

As soon as I get back,
we'll plan some traveling, too.

Buying you a ticket to visit me in LA.

[kisses]

Uh, can I think about it?

For real?

[chuckling] Wow.

Wow. Oh, wow.

Man.

[line ringing]

[Daisy] You saw him again, didn't you?

Bitch, I never left.

Oh, my God! You have to tell him
to focus on his midrange game.

An expl*sive first step

with a decent pull-up
could really help us out--

Daisy! Stop talking about boring things.

Okay, I need you to tell me that it's okay
for me to go visit him in LA.

But you can't leave the state.

But I like him so much.

I'm having feelings
I haven't had in a long time.

This is the first time I've felt
like a real person since I got out.

Parole, Zaza!

They randomly check up on you, right?

If you're not where you're supposed to be,
they could send you back, right?

I-- I know. I know that.
But can't I have a weekend where I just...

Where I don't feel like
a f*cking criminal?

Like, I already did my time, okay?
I deserve a weekend away with him.

Look, I gotta go.

If I'm not in the office before
Dr. Maslov, he asks for a hug.

[scoffs] And he's handsy.

Don't do anything stupid, girl.

So, I heard you went to
this Tony Robbins seminar.

f*ckin' yeah, I did.

Still not used to
that whole swearing thing.

[Nicky] All right. Well, I'll tell you
what I like about that Tony,

since we agree that he is definitely not
a huckster snake-oil salesman.

I like when he calls the people
in the audience pussies.

It's like he's seen their pussies before.

[door unlocks]

There's no f*cking names on any of these.

[sighs]

Come on.

Drop the Kn*fe and the baggie now, inmate.

-It's just a butter Kn*fe.
-Down on the floor.

Hellman, he's trying to force me
to sell dr*gs for him.

I was just trying to put it in his locker

-so I didn't get caught with it.
-Down.

Please. You have to help me.

What do you think I'm doing in here?
I don't want this.

I was gonna bring it to administration,

but I knew that nobody would listen.
Please. Please.

I can't get more time.

I'm not going to ask you again.

[sobbing]

It's not for me to decide.

[indistinct chatter]

[Adeola] Looking for someone?

-What you doing in Tanisha's cell?
-Better view.

You'd be surprised what you can get
in return for good hooch in here.

Try some while I bend your ear.

My father's recipe.

-Nah, I'm good.
-[scoffs]

It will help with your nerves.

I tell people I'm from Lagos,
but I'm really from Ibadan,

which is a transportation hub
a few hours north.

It's a bit like saying you're from Chicago
when you're really from Peoria.

I got a cousin who do that.

You can't say you from the Bronx
when you from Mount Vernon.

My father was a leader of
the Transport Road Workers Union there,

and in a place like Ibadan,

where politicians bring weapons
to the assembly,

a union leader must be clever.

He must know whose hand to shake
and whose to chop off at the wrist.

Sounds like your pops was a G.

He taught me to see things clearly.

But he would be disappointed in me.

Because it took me too long
to see you clearly.

What is that supposed to mean?

Taking out your girlfriend
was a dangerous move.

It was also smart.

Daddy took all the credit,
but you were bringing the powder in.

So what? What are you saying?

I'm saying that if you're now gonna go
after the crown,

Annalisa and the others,
they aren't simply gonna let you take it.

You're gonna need help.

We could run this place.

Maybe. But I don't know you like that.

Well, sometimes you have to take
the leap and see if a net will appear.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm.

So tell me,
why should we hire you as head guard?

[chuckles softly]

Can you rephrase the question?

Um, I'm not sure how to do that.

[Ginger] You're afraid, aren't you?

Afraid to meet your own greatness.

Well, everyone's afraid, Linda.
It's what you do with that fear--

I ask it to leave my office.

I find you unsettling. Please leave.

[chuckles] Obviously
setting aside the M490 Maglock,

which we can talk about if you want,
but setting that aside,

I'll say I've noticed a slight difference

between the delayed relock of the RCI 8310

-and the 3101C series.
-Mmm-hmm.

Now don't get me wrong,
sometimes you gotta be a little forceful.

But you start from a place
of caring, respect, dignity.

That "do unto others" type of stuff.

-That sounds very thoughtful.
-Hmm.

You know, it might be nice

to fill the position
with someone of your background.

-A sports management degree?
-Sure. Mmm-hmm.

That's great, 'cause I'd really like
to overhaul the whole system.

Scorched-earth.
Sweeping personnel changes.

It won't be cheap, but--

I've heard enough.
You can find your way out.

I've been taking night classes in
corrections management for the past year,

and I'm confident
that I can run a tight ship,

keeping costs down while making sure
that the prison remains safe

in a way that honors the PolyCon brand.

That sounds very status quo.

Now, I understand why you think
we should hire you,

but I'm curious, why do you want this job?

Uh...

One of my teachers
asked me to write a paper

about what prison means to me.

And at first I thought it was
kind of a stupid topic, but...

when I really thought about it,
I realized that prison is an opportunity.

We get people when they're
at their lowest point,

which means maybe they'd be
willing to try something new.

To change. And I wanna be part
of what helps them change for the better.

You can look at some of these girls
and see they're hungry for it.

The majority of them are decent people.
They just want a chance to show it to you.

In the classes,
they call what we do a "public good."

Then I figure we owe it to the public
to do something good. It's in the name.

And it doesn't have to cost
a lot of money.

Then let's do the public best!
At a low price point.

Sure.

Gosh, you are so well-spoken
but not strident.

Did you grow up in the church?

-Yeah, I went to church sometimes.
-It shows.

And I just love the way your hair looks.
It's so...

[whispering] Don't poop, just sleep.
Just sleep.

-[cell phone vibrates]
-[exclaims]

Hello?

[automated voice]
An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison

is attempting to contact you.

-Accept, accept, accept!
-To accept the--

Hi. Alex?

[Alex] Piper? I'm sorry I didn't...
I'm sorry I didn't call.

Uh, can you speak up?
I'm having trouble hearing you.

I'm sorry I didn't call. It's, um...

Hello?

It's just been, like,
a rough couple of days.

What's going on? What does that mean?

I wanna tell you, but it's just-- It's...

[sighs] It's hard with all these
f*cking people around.

Alex, you have to tell me what's going on.

It's gonna be impossible to do this
if you won't talk to me.

I am all alone out here and...

[exhales deeply]

You know what? Actually...

don't tell me.

I trust you.

I know I married a smart woman
who is capable of handling herself.

And if you don't wanna tell me, I'm sure
that you have a very good reason for it.

I love you, Alex.

[voice breaking] I love you, too.

And I promise
I'll tell you everything soon.

But can you just tell me
about things with you?

'Cause I could really use a distraction.

Well, um, I started babysitting.

Yeah?

Yeah, and it's making me think
I don't want children.

Does that make me a bad person?

No, it doesn't make you a bad person.

But who's going to take care of us
in our old age?

A dog? A very capable dog. A robot dog.

-[laughing]
-A robot dog. That could be the answer.

And that top she was wearing, that was...

fitted.

But I made it the whole interview
without looking at her jagungas.

[Hellman] Rookie move.

Always make a point of looking
at the tatas once, but only once,

so she knows you respect her,
but you would still definitely bang her.

Well, I hope you boys didn't disappoint,

'cause I told corporate that you two
were my top picks for the job.

-You three.
-I f*cking owned that interview.

Yeah, you mighta owned it,
but I f*cked it in the donk like...

-[Ricky laughs]
-[moaning]

Well, I was in
the interview's guts, like...

[groans] "You don't get to cum yet.
I tell you when you get to cum."

No, no, but I had to back off a little bit
because of how big my d*ck is.

-It just f*ckin'...
-Yeah, you gotta back off!

-I also had sex with the interview.
-[laughing]

[Alvarez moans]

-What are you doing? Stop it.
-It's the interview.

[Hellman] It looks like
he's humping a cantaloupe.

[sniffles and exhales]

Come on, McCullough.

[all moaning]

Whoa, whoa!

McCullough! Is there anything
I can help you with? Or...

[McCullough] You guys
sleep it off all right?

[both speaking indistinctly]

Great party, huh?

[both speaking indistinctly]

Hey, Pena. What the f*ck is wrong
with Rios and Jacobs?

Maybe they think you'll accuse them
of some bullshit.

[staff sergeant] All right, load up!

Hey, tell them the truth
about what happened.

Don't f*cking talk to me.

I just spent an hour in the lieutenant's
office 'cause of your sh*t.

You're lucky he understood.

Tell them what you really did,
or I will tell them.

Say whatever you want.
They won't believe you.

[staff sergeant] Let's move!

-[g*n fires]
-[marine] What the f*ck?

-[staff sergeant] Contact! Right!
-[g*ns f*ring]

-[staff sergeant] Take cover!
-[marine] What the f*ck?

[g*ns continue f*ring]

[breathing heavily]

Let's go, Warren. Keep it moving.

I don't deserve to be here, you know.

Neither do I.

Wait. This one doesn't have a dessert.

This one doesn't have a dessert either.

-And this one doesn't have one either!
-Calm down. They must have run out.

[scoffs]

But everyone else got a dessert.
So they should all have dessert.

It's not fair.

I mean, why would you only have
some of them that do not have a dessert?

Huh?

It doesn't make sense.
They should all have a f*cking dessert!

f*ck!

-Oh, man--
-No, you shut up, Ethel!

Warren, you can't take
everybody's pudding cup like that.

Why not?

What are you gonna do about it?

Well, I'm gonna give you a sh*t.

Go ahead.

[Dixon sighs]

[Hellman] Hey, you medium cocks
still up for drinks tonight?

-f*ck yes.
-Yes, sir.

You guys getting drinks tonight?

Sort of.

-[whispers] Don't forget to invite Dixon.
-[Danilo grunts]

Yo. Just got an email from corporate.

[Tamika] Hello?

Uh, "We thank you for your interest,
but we regret to inform you that..."

Motherfuck!

Hellman?

Same f*cking email.
Even though I did the tit check.

It seems...

I was rejected as well.

Let me guess, Ward.
You're the new head guard.

No, I'm the new warden.

[Alvarez] That's weird.

Because, remember, you said that you were
gonna be the new warden, Hopper.

Remember? You called a meeting...

and then you said it
in front of everybody.

We were all there.

I believe you.
What you said about Hellman.

So I'm giving you two options for
what I can do with this incident report.

I can turn it in,
you blame Hellman, no one cares.

You get five more years
where he makes your life a nightmare.

Or I can rip it up,
you start selling for me.

And you get five percent more
than he was giving you.

What about Hellman?

You're smart. You'll figure something out.

That's what the five percent is for.

[sighs]

You see, white women,
they always stick together.

They only respect who they fear.
So let's make them fear you.

Eeny, meeny, miny...

Oh, sh*t! f*ckin' Diaz crawled out
of her hole. Better watch yourself.

...moe?

Hey, can I ask you something?

Ward? Warden? "Warden Ward."
It even sounds ridiculous. [scoffs]

You don't think they gave it to her
because she's a black?

Oh, definitely. No question at all.

If they were gonna go most qualified,

no one knows what's happening
in this prison better than--

[inmates exclaim]

-[Alvarez] What?
-[Ginger] What the f*ck?

[inmates exclaiming]

[Hutton groaning]

[Alvarez] Inmate down in cell block D!

What the f*ck y'all looking at?

[breathing heavily]

Oh, my God.

[upbeat music playing]

It's almost like we went to LA, right?

-No, it's like I went to Bushwick.
-[scoffs]

Cheer up, girl. You did the right thing.

Better than ending up back in prison.
He'll be back.

No, he won't. He's an NBA player in LA.

And you're the ass-shaking queen.

He'll be back, Zaza. I know it.
And you'll be just as in love then.

What's up with the bouncer?

Ew. That's not
the kind of cheering up I need.

No, look.

[ICE agent 1] Up against the wall,
right now!

Identification!

[ICE agent 2 speaking Spanish]

[ICE agent 1 in English]
I want to see identification.

-sh*t. I don't have my ID.
-Oh, f*ck.

[ICE agent 1] Up against the wall.

[ICE agent 3] Hands on the wall.
Hands on the wall.

[ICE agent 2 speaking Spanish]

[in English] No, no, no! I'm American!

No. I'm a-- I'm a--
I'm an American. I'm a US citizen.

[ICE agent 1] Identification! Get it out!

[breathing heavily]

I'm an American. Please.

You have to believe me.
This is a mistake. Sir?

Come on now. Not up to me.

♪ A moment's march ♪

♪ From the beach ♪

[handcuffs unlocking]

[indistinct chatter]

♪ My day is ♪

♪ Growing near ♪

♪ And here I find ♪

♪ No peace at all ♪

♪ And here I find ♪

♪ No peace at all ♪

♪ I hear ♪

♪ The summer sounds ♪

♪ Silent only we keep on ♪

♪ And here I find ♪

♪ No peace at all ♪

[music ends]