07x06 - Trapped in an Elevator

[bunniefuu]

[cell door slams]

[theme song playing]

[cell door slams]

[cell door slams]

[crying] Well, she's-- she's my rock.

What-- What am I supposed to do
without her, you know? It...

Ow! [groaning]

Nut up, man.

This is the universe telling you
you're not meant to be tied down.

Look, I was living
with a chick once, right?

And she wanted me to put a ring on it.

And I thought I was gonna have to,

because I was living in her place,
which was sweet.

Then one day she comes home,
catches me boning her first cousin,

breaks up with me, but more important,
thinks the place is tainted and moves out.

Who's got two thumbs and is living
in a sweet-ass apartment? Huh?

Place has a friggin' gym in the building
and she left her Instant Pot.

You gotta look at the bigger picture here.

But she's...

Morning.

Oh, ooh. Taystee?
Can you give me a hand, please?

-Taystee?
-[gasps] sh*t.

Did you hear me calling you for help?

What?

Do I have any messages?

-Taystee, did you take down--
-Linda's office called.

Great. Just call her back.

[Taystee] She said she wants you
to come in for a meeting.

-A meeting?
-Mmm-hmm.

In person? In person is serious.
She say what it was about?

Uh... No.

[sighs] I'm doing everything
they told me to.

I've signed my name so many times,
I'm spelling my own name wrong.

Um, I bet Hopper told her
about my programs.

That's why he wouldn't look at me.

When's this meeting?
I need time to prepare.

-Taystee? You okay?
-[bangs on files]

Yeah, sorry, I just got a lot on my mind.

Yeah.

It was Thursday. Thursday.

[Tamika] Thank you.

Why is there Wite-Out
on the signature line?

Did she forget her own damn name?

[sighs] I got shirts older
than this new warden.

Anyhow, your paperwork is in order,

but I still need the address
for where you'll be staying after release.

You got that for me?

No.

Well, have you at least
reached out to your family?

No, I ain't got around to it yet.

Ms. Hayes, look at me.

You have to have some place to go.
The halfway houses are at capacity.

Sorry.

Don't apologize to me.
Just get me an address.

Okay.

-You put Visine in your pee?
-I know. I know. I know.

Do you?

Do you know how friggin' lucky you are
that you just got sent to NA?

She could have sent you back here.

What if that's what my subconscious wants?

No.

I think I just wanted to feel something.
It was stupid and I'm sorry.

Well, why don't you find someone
other than your brother to hang out with?

What about Neri?

I'm not on her good side at the moment.

Cal basically had to promise
that we'd be her slaves

so she wouldn't kick us out.

How about some girls from work?

[exhales]

I think they know I'm the one
that cookie-monstered their cake.

Wow, here I was thinking
I was the reckless one.

I guess we're two f*cked up peas in a pod.

-I wanna be in your pod.
-I know. Me, too.

Too bad we're not even
in the same garden. [sighs]

Pipes, do you need to find
some other peas to pod with?

What?

No.

You're my pea, you're my pod.
Why would you even ask me that?

Just... hear me out.

You clearly need something more
in your life.

You know, someone outside of this glass.

Someone who can touch you, and it's legal,
and it feels good.

I'm not saying I wanna know details,
but, um...

-Come on. Don't you think it would help?
-Dangerous.

This is very, very dangerous.

And what you're doing isn't?

Look, there's no way you're replacing
this golden p*ssy. I know that.

But I also know that you feel restricted
by all these rules

and I don't want you to resent
our relationship for, like, confining you.

I don't resent us.

[sighs]

Piper, this is all I can do for you
from in here.

Let me do this for you.

This is ridiculous.

Besides, I haven't even been in the mood.

Well, we have three years to go.
So just think about it.

As much as I wanna be with you,
I don't want you back in here.

My God, she's climbing the stairs already?

It's going so fast.

-She got any new words this week?
-Yes.

Told you she's advanced.

-You gonna tell me what they are?
-"Yes."

-Her new word is "yes."
-Oh.

-And also "duck."
-"Yes" and "duck"?

Duck like quack-quack.

-Hmm.
-And she makes the quack noise, too.

But it's more like "cack."

She's a genius.

Listen, I gotta tell you something.

I'm seeing someone.

We said we weren't gonna talk
about those things.

This one is different.

-How long?
-A month. Sergio introduced us.

-I don't wanna hear about it.
-I gotta be honest with you.

Well, you also gotta leave Pepa out of it.
A month is a short time.

And I don't want her getting all attached
to some rando

that you're gonna drop in another month.

And what the f*ck is Sergio doing
introducing you to girls? He's my cousin.

Pepa and I are moving in with her.

The f*ck you are!

[stammers and exhales]

You won't bring Pepa here

because you don't want her
to see her mother in prison,

but you're okay to let her see you
screwing some fling?

-No. Nuh-uh. Not happening.
-It's not a fling.

This is serious, and you don't get
to choose what we do.

-Of course I do. I'm Pepa's mother.
-But you're in here.

Leave Pepa out of it.

Well, I may be in here, but I know you.

And I know that your fling
or whatever ain't gonna work out.

I seen you in love. With me.

And this ain't like that.
This is sex or whatever.

[both moaning]

[Manuel] Well, I guess
I love me some Guess.

[both laugh]

I guess I love wearing Guess.
It makes me feel so sexy and rich.

[Maria giggling]

[both sigh]

-[Manuel growls]
-Stop, stop.

Ooh.

Princesa, you should only ever be dressed
in the finest.

Well, it's coming off. Oh, my God.

Orlando would sh*t himself
if he knew I had sex in this dress.

-[Manuel chuckles]
-sh*t.

Well, he's off somewhere in Europe.

-You're the boss now.
-[chuckles]

-[gasps] Oh, my God.
-There. Now, you own it.

You're so lucky I got a price tag g*n.

I can't afford that. Plus, I got
no place fancy to wear it anyhow.

Well, maybe I have the fix for that.

We got a whole table of True Religions.
You need a new idea.

[Manuel] Mmm-mmm.

These are a third of the price.

-Why's the horseshoe upside down?
-No, don't worry about it.

-Tell people that it's the new design.
-[scoffs]

The name's on the label. Hmm?

The way they're gonna feel in them
is the same.

The only other difference
is the extra cash lining your pockets

when you sell these full retail. Hmm?

Then we can go to clubs

and fancy restaurants.

Show off this body.

What do you think?

[bell dinging]

[Maria] sh*t.

[scoffs] Is that the boyfriend?

-I'll be back in 20 minutes.
-I'll wait.

I can always wait for you, Princesa.

-[humming]
-[giggles]

You want to go out to lunch tomorrow?

We're out.

No, I mean like some place
they bring you food to your table.

I like it here.

Stop hoggin' those chips.
You wanna look flabby in the ring?

I'm taking a break.

When were you gonna tell me this?

I'm still getting the headaches.
And I'm doing good here.

I got 30 Pro Access sign ups.

Thirty more
and they make me assistant manager.

Sergio called.
Luis got picked up selling H last night.

He did? Did he say how it happened?

Everyone's gettin' popped lately.
Big Leo, George, Chickie Jr.

All goin' down.

It's good we got out when we did.

You ever miss it?

We're together.
We're safe, we have food. I'm thankful.

I am so thankful for another day

in this sh*t mall
with my damp ham and cheese.

Gotta give it a little time.

With assistant manager money
and what you're making as a manager,

soon we'll be buying
Panda Express for lunch.

Can't wait.

[Caputo] There.

You are right.
This place does make the DMV look cheery.

Why don't you have some underpaid laborer
knock down that wall

and get yourself some breathing room.
You are the warden.

ICE has all the power around here.
I am just a form-filling figurehead.

Here, this'll make you feel better.

You can be good

and you can reward yourself
for being good.

What do you want?

Can we talk without a desk between us?

You have as long as it takes me
to finish this Tony's Chocolonely.

Then I gotta get back to begging
petty bureaucrats for Imam visitation.

I swear, I should get them a special stamp
that reads "f*ck the ragheads"

for them to pound into anything
that says the word "Muslim" on it.

-I saw the doctor this morning.
-And?

Well, he said my guys are sparse
and sleepy "swimmers."

[laughing]

I've never heard you laugh before.

It is unnerving.

So, what are they gonna do
to wake your guys up?

They're gonna pour coffee into my d*ck.

-Seriously?
-No!

I'd have to have a surgery on my balls.

Well, as long as your beer can
still pops its top, cut 'em open.

No, it's just...

It just got me thinking.

Your eggs are old, my sperms are tired.

Maybe it's a sign we just sit back
and enjoy each other's company.

No f*cking way.

I've been sh**ting my ass up
with hormones for months.

You can get a tiny ball surgery.

What do you want me
to pass along to a kid, anyway?

More hair in his ears than on his scalp?

Our kid will be 100% me.
My genes are not recessive.

I don't think science works like that.

Fine. It can be one percent you.
There are parts of you I like.

-Oh, yeah?
-Uh-huh.

[Caputo sighs]

-What parts?
-Your puppy dog eyes are tolerable.

That'll do, Fig. That will do.

[both moaning]

You're getting the surgery. [grunts]

I am not getting my balls f*cking snipped.

My balls are cut off every day here.
Do you see me quitting?

No more cutting balls talk.

[moaning and sighing]

Really?

Where's the rest of that chocolate?

[moaning]

-[Tamika] Oh. Uh...
-Mmm.

Please come in. I'm so sorry

about the food-meeting double tasking.
[chuckles]

My Gyrotonic teacher
was late this morning.

It snowballed my entire day. Please sit.

[Tamika clears throat]

I know you may have heard
about the programs.

What programs?

Oh, the GED and motivational courses
for the inmates.

N-- Nothing even worth
talking about, really.

How much is this costing me?

Nothing. They're all volunteer led.

-Then, great!
-Yeah.

That's a solid talking point
for your Channel 3 News interview.

Although, when you say it to the camera,
really sell it.

You know, something like,

"We have an array of exciting motivational
courses available to all of our inmates."

Um, what interview?

Did you not get the press release
from this morning?

We are shutting down the Psych Ward

and converting it
into more inmate housing.

Wow. Uh... wow.

I know. That's exciting, right?

[chuckles nervously]
Uh, we're not concerned about

how we're gonna handle
Psych inmates with gen pop?

They were in Psych for a reason.

I've already spoken
to several federal hospitals

and they have room for some
of our more challenging patients.

And the rest you can just
take care of with medications.

It's a buyer's market for lithium now.
We should really stock up.

[stammers] Well,
meds aren't all one size fits all.

There's also Thorazine or Prolixin.

You know, you should spend some time
with our PolyCon approval manual.

It lists all the medications

-that we get special rates on.
-Mmm.

Full-priced medications are for suckers,
am I right? [chuckles]

Hurray for corporate discounts.
Here are your talking points.

Whoa.

I'm-- I'm not sure I'm the best person
to be talking about this.

I've never even done an interview before.

You'll be great! The young, fresh,
ethnic face of Litchfield Max.

The camera will love you.

And wear your hair just like that.
It's wonderful.

This is going to be an important week.

We are going to be writing letters
to people from our past who--

Ooh! I'm gonna write Raleigh Peck,
from high school. He played quarterback.

Dibs on Eckhart Tolle.

[Annalisa] I am writing to Tolle.

His Power of Now calendar
is my flashlight cutting through the fog,

so back the f*ck off.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.
Please, let me clarify.

You'll be writing an apology

to someone who was a victim
of something you did in the past.

But what if my crime don't got a victim?

Right. I'm innocent, too.

Doesn't necessarily have to be the victim
of the crimes that got you in here.

So you're talking about the crimes
we didn't get caught for?

Get off the crime of it.

And think about the trauma
you might have inflicted on someone,

intentionally or unintentionally.

All right, let's do
a visualization exercise, huh?

Everyone close your eyes.

Come on, come on. Close your eyes. Yeah?

Imagine you're getting into an elevator
with another person

and you can't see their face yet

because they're staring down
at their phone.

So f*cking rude.

Shh! You're f*cking rude for interrupting.

[Caputo] The elevator's going up.

Seventh floor. Eighth floor.

Ninth floor.

All of a sudden, the elevator shakes
and gets stuck.

You turn to the other person for help

only to realize it's someone
you did something horrible to.

Who is that person,

hmm, you'd hate to be trapped
on that elevator with?

[exhales]

I'm gonna write a letter
to Raleigh Peck's girlfriend.

[breathing heavily]
I'm taking the stairs instead.

I'm the real victim here.
Where's my f*cking letter?

My mom left and didn't write no letter.
My dad's an assh*le, no letter.

I took the fall for the riot.
My man's moving in with some bitch.

I mean, I should write myself a letter.

"Dear self,
sorry everyone in your life's been sh*t."

[Caputo] Try to dig a little deeper.

All right, come on. Let's get to it.

[mumbles] Give it a sh*t.

Hayes, is there a problem?
Let's talk about it.

You were in my imagination elevator.

My letter is to you.

Didn't you k*ll your kids?

Yeah, but they-- they can't read.

[giggling]

Princesa, when you gonna break up
with that guy?

-[Maria scoffs]
-Hmm?

When you gonna leave your wife?

As soon as you leave yours,
I'll leave mine.

It's complicated.

We got history.
He got me out of my dad's house.

Do you love him?

I love you.

-You're fun.
-Hmm. Mmm-hmm.

-[Maria] And you talk.
-[both laugh]

It sure ain't like that with him. But...

you gotta give me some time
to do it right.

I owe him that much.

[Candy] Maria?

There's a lady doing weird sh*t out here.
I can't deal.

[mumbles] What the-- What?

What are you, some kinda pervert?
Get outta here.

I need to speak to your manager.

I'm the manager.
Out, before I call the cops.

I am the cops.

And you're under arrest
for trafficking in counterfeit goods.

[scoffs]

You two? You-- You looked so good
in those jeans I sold you the other day.

That's because they are real
True Religion jeans.

Right from the factory in Los Angeles.

[Adriana] No, my guess is
they came from China.

All fakes have that mildewy smell

because manufacturers stuff 'em
in plastic bags before they're even dry.

People like you make my job too easy.
Now, move. Move your feet.

Hey.

Hey, who's gonna close up?

Thanks for letting me in.

Well, normally I couldn't do this,

but our head guard is currently
locked in the break room crying,

so I think I can do anything I want.

[door buzzes]

[Caputo knocks on door]

Don't come in here
unless you have a death wish.

Jesus Christ!
There's something dead in here.

-Is there another rat in the wall?
-No, it's my soul.

You feeling okay? You walked out on class.

There's no point in going
if I won't finish.

I'm getting out next week.

Congratulations! That is amazing, Hayes.

Come back to class.

Huh? We'll come up with a plan for you
to keep it going on the outside.

I'm only getting out
'cause I f*cked over my best friend.

Ain't no letter gonna fix what I done.

You don't believe that.

You showed up
to restorative justice class.

You made that choice for yourself.

'Cause I didn't want to end up like no...

crazy, old, smelly-ass,
cockroach-loving hoarder.

But now, I get it. This is my punishment.

I don't know what this is,
but you served your time.

You can leave it all behind.

You build whatever life
you want out there.

I don't deserve to be released.

[Caputo] Come back to class.

Work on being the person that deserves it.

[stammers] Don't focus
on what you can't fix.

Focus on what you can.

[Frieda] Yeah, while you're fixing stuff,
maybe get to that toilet.

It hasn't worked in days.

Get out of this cell.

Fresh air'll give you a new perspective
and some sanity.

See you in class.

[Frieda] Yeah. One day,

some do-gooder'll start
a recycling program here,

and I'm gonna be ready.

I'll make a k*lling.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey. How's intel coming along?

Nothing good yet.

[Dayanara] Then why you out here?

I got other sh*t I gotta deal with first.

Oh, yeah? sh*t that's more important
than our little project?

Cindy's getting out on early release.

She lied on the stand, she betrayed me,
and she gets to go free.

-f*ck.
-Yep.

[scoffs] Look at her rubbin' her
little freedom Cheetos in your face.

-That's some mad disrespect right there.
-I know.

What should we do to her?

"We"? You know I ain't got no money.

Nah. This one's on me.

See, rats, they bring disease.
They make everybody sick.

And you my lifer-sister,
at least until you pay me to die.

You know what?

I could have Adeola teach her
how gravity works.

Nah, man. I don't want to have
nobody getting thrown off no balcony.

Or maybe we could plant a shiv?

Hmm? Steal her date.

Hmm.

But I really don't want to see her face
around here no more.

What do you care?
You're not gonna be here for much longer.

Oh, sh*t.

Yo, we could rearrange her face
like on some Picasso sh*t.

Yeah, I think this is something
I gotta do myself.

Hey, I'm Jason. I'm an addict.

[all] Hi, Jason.

[Jason] Ten years ago today,
I took my last 15 oxys.

And it's because

-all of you kept repeating...
-[cell phone vibrating]

...this mantra to me
until I finally believed it.

"Keep coming back
because you're worth it."

[moaning]

[Jason] Oh, man, I thought
it was so corny at first.

But I kept coming back

because people like you
kept telling me to come back.

And then one day I finally heard it.
I'm worth it.

I had never let myself think that before

because my parents never allowed me
to think that.

It wasn't enough to be a great swimmer.
I had to be perfect.

This meant no hanging out with friends,
definitely no girlfriends.

No TV, no video games.

There were so many rules.

I couldn't even take a bathroom break
without being timed.

So when my dad came home
with meds from his knee surgery,

I took one.

It was my way of rebelling.

I personally put their Imam request
on your desk.

It is sitting there right in front of you.

I expect it signed and back on my desk
tomorrow morning!

-[knock on door]
-[door opens]

-Is now a bad time?
-Yes!

I brought you this.

Mmm. I'm a sucker for a gift bag.

Ta-da. [chuckles]

What about me makes you think
I'm a plant person?

I-- I heard that, uh, plants do better
with a companion plant.

Even if they hate each other,
the hate makes them live longer.

Clearly you've been talking to Joe.

He loves to attribute human emotions
to leaves and twigs.

So what have you two merry crusaders
hit a wall on?

He said, uh, he's not as good
with Linda-related things as you are.

And I've heard
how well you've handled her.

[chuckles] Yeah. I handled her so well
I ended up here.

So what is the conniving turd up to now?

She is shutting down Psych.

Of course she is. Jesus.

It's probably great
for PolyCon's stock projections.

Well, it's dangerous to put Psych inmates
with regular inmates.

They need specialized care.

And I've done some research.
I've got the numbers--

Save your energy.
That train has left the station.

You just have to decide if you wanna
get on board, or at least pretend to.

Pretending with Linda is one thing, uh,
but she's having me speak to the press.

You're her human shield. I...

I have got to hand it to her.
She is outdoing herself.

I'm not a good liar.
The press is gonna eat me alive.

[chuckles]

No, they won't.

Because I'm going to teach you something.
It's called pivot and deflect.

Sounds like a dance move.

It is a dance.

They-- They step forward with a question,
you step to the side

and answer the question
you wish they'd asked. Got it?

I want to say yes
because your face says to,

but I don't got it.

Okay, um, pretend you're the interviewer
and ask me if I like your present.

Uh... do you like the plant
that I gave you?

Uh, that is a great question.

But this isn't about
my enjoyment of succulents.

It is about the enjoyment
they can bring to everyone.

So I need you to make sure those plants

bring joy to as many people as possible.

Here.

I am so glad that you are doing this.

You are good at this.

[sobbing] "I'm sorry,
dear maples of Vermont...

for wasting your sticky sweetness,

your lifeblood,

to drown a man.

I'm sorry,

and I'm thankful."

Some people deserve to die.

All right, then.

I'm not sure that the maples necessarily
should be the recipient of your apology,

but it was heartfelt.

I eat pancakes dry as penance.

Okay, then. Uh, Ruiz, you're up.

[Maria exhales]

"f*ck you, Yadriel.

I don't give you permission
to take my baby to live with some ho."

Time out. Time out.

It's the word "ho," isn't it?
I went back and forth on that one.

I know we're not supposed
to call each other that no more.

Gotta take it back, ho.

Change it to "puta."
Gives it more punch with an ethnic flair.

It's not why I stopped you.

I stopped you because it doesn't sound
like a letter to your victim.

But I don't got a victim, remember?

All I did was sell some b*tches
a few fake clothes.

They wanted brand names,
I gave them brand names.

So who's the victim there?

-Gucci?
-f*ck a Gucci.

I am the victim, so I wrote a letter
to one of my victimizers.

That wasn't the assignment.

That one over there apologized to trees.

At least it was an apology.

Uh, my advice,
go back and give it another try.

Well, nobody asked you, Dear Abby.

[Black Cindy] Sorry I'm late.

Letter took longer than I thought.

I'm glad to have you back.

You-- You wanna share?

Does everything that happens in here
stay in here?

Of course. Right, ladies?

I'll keep your secrets like Vegas.

That stuff always ends up
on the Instagram.

I'll keep your secrets
like we're in Fight Club.

[Black Cindy clears throat]

Um...

So I have a lot of victims,

and some of them
I can't do anything about right now,

so I decided to start with someone
I hope I'm seein' first when I get out.

"Dear Ma, I'm sorry.

I don't think I ever said that to you,

but if you had a dollar
for every time I should have said it,

you'd be hanging with those Amazon
and Facebook dudes, countin' your money."

-[chuckles]
-[Black Cindy clears throat]

"At the top of the list,

I'm sorry I stuck you
with raising my baby as your own.

[voice breaking] I'm especially sorry
if she's anything like me.

I'm also sorry
I tried to take her away from you.

I know that I may be her birth mom,

but you are her mom-mom.

You're the person that's been in her face

every day, whether she likes it or not.

The person who makes her
egg and bacon smiles,

gives her boob-smother hugs
when she's sick,

and knows what Slurpee flavor
will get her to smile.

I know how much the truth would hurt
both you and Monica,

so this is the last time

I'll talk about giving birth to her.

And it'll be my first step
towards being the person

you'd be proud to call your daughter.

I hope we can all live together
when I get out, so...

so I can make it up to both of you.

Love, your daughter, Cindy."

That's great.

You have to position the claw
over the body, not the head.

-How else do you expect to win the bear?
-[line ringing]

Use your common sense.

[gasping]

-[Yadriel] Yeah?
-You picked up!

Stop calling me.

[Maria] I want to apologize.

Please let me say I'm sorry.

I got greedy and I made the wrong choice.
I know that.

-We were done with all that.
-[Maria] I know.

And I screwed up our life.

Don't you know how much I wish
I was in that food court right now,

eating sandwiches with you?

I can't do this.
Please don't call anymore.

Yadriel, wait. I'm pregnant.

Yadriel, you there?

When did that happen?

I don't know,

but you're the only one I've been with.

Yadriel? Are you there?

Yadriel.

I'm gonna be a daddy.

[crying]

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, you are.

It's two-ply.

Yeah, you are.

[woman on TV] Take a seat.

Good, good.

-How was your day?
-Shh.

Niall is cock-blocking Adam
from stealing Kendall's p*ssy away.

Why are we watching
a bunch of Brexit voters in bikinis?

-You know they didn't vote.
-Which was a vote for Brexit.

But abs.

You gotta stop.

It's already eating your brain.
Come on, now, tell me about your day.

No, I want the hot glistening bodies
to zap away my brain and my day.

-...you've got to keep your cards--
-[man on TV] I can't.

I'm just a bit out there.

Well, I had a real breakthrough
in Restorative Justice today.

Yeah, I don't want to hear
about your Dangerous Minds bullshit

while I'm stuck making the world worse

at the horror version
of Coming to America.

Well, at least we're
canceling each other out.

[Fig] Ha-ha-ha.

Why don't you do good
and go make me some dinner?

I did get you a gift at the market.

Better not be another succulent.

"Two can hate each other and still live."

If I learned anything from Love Island,

it's that three
will tear each other apart.

Unless you're planning
on incorporating this

into a deceptively low-carb carbonara,
not interested.

They're not for eating.

-They're for my balls.
-Jesus, Joe.

-I am not kinking the way you're kinking.
-[chuckles]

They're not for that, either.

The doctor said I'm gonna need them
to ice my boys after the surgery.

What happened to taking your balls
and staying home?

During the class
you won't let me talk about,

I had a realization
that maybe I do have something

to contribute to the next generation.

I still don't want to hear about your day,
but I'm glad.

The appointment's next week.

Doctor said I'd be healed and doing yoga,
if I did that kind of thing.

-Yeah.
-But I'll need you to drive me.

Shh. Wait.

Oh, my God. Uh, why are
none of these women going for the doctor?

[host on TV] ...Alex has seen
some pretty nasty injuries.

But every doctor knows
nothing hurts more...

It's important to note

that while the inmates with
the most complex mental health needs

will be in great hands at a few select
federal psychiatric facilities,

it will also give our inmates
with less severe issues

a chance to integrate into gen pop
and, hopefully, society.

So you're their advocate?

I am trying to be. [chuckles]

I'm trying to help these women
regain a sense of dignity.

It's very important they see themselves
as more than inmates.

They're someone's mother,
someone's daughter, sister, friend.

And-- And people are interested in hearing
what is going to happen to them.

Can you tell me more
about your integration plan?

Right. Uh...

You know, I'm glad you brought this up.

This isn't about
hypothetical future plans,

it's about the plans we have put in place
for our inmates currently.

And I would love to talk to you more

about the new rehabilitative programs
we've started.

Studies have shown
that these give our inmates

the best chance of success on the outside.

Now, are these programs something
Psych inmates can integrate into?

They should really have their own programs
specifically tailored to their needs.

Which are?

Uh, we're still looking into those,

uh, dis-- discussing what's possible.

Well, I'm sure whatever you come up with
will be amazing.

Especially since you'll have
$2.5 million to spend a year.

[stutters] That's a specific number.

It's what PolyCon is saving a year
by closing down the Psychiatric wing.

Right, of course.

Is that not what PolyCon is doing
with the money?

It is.

We're putting it back into the prison,

and it will allow us to have

an array of exciting motivational courses
available to all our inmates.

And it will include the new programs

and more guards specifically trained
for our neurodiverse inmates.

[operator on phone]
An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison

is attempting to contact you.

Accept. What up?

Hey, girl!
Ooh, I was hoping you'd pick up first.

How's school?

-You getting your homework done?
-Yeah, girl.

You girl-ing me now?

Well, all right, girl...

-Who's that?
-Her.

-Mr. Viktora still teaching math?
-[mouthing] Give me the phone.

You know he married an African princess
when he did the peace corps?

Mr. Viktora d*ed last year.
I think it was E. coli or something.

-Or maybe he was old. I don't know.
-Give me the phone.

-One second.
-[Black Cindy] Hmm.

Okay. But you still liking math?

Since when are you interested in math?

Since now. School's important.

[sighs] Boring. Look, I got some GloZell
to catch up on. Bye, girl.

Wait. You still like watching
Suite Life with Zack and Cody?

She stopped watching that a while ago.

Hey, Ma. Um...

You got time for me to read you something?

I'm on my way out.
Can you read it to me next week?

I won't be so crazy then.

Well, next week I'm getting out.

I'm sorry for everything
I've done to you, Ma.

And-- And I know I got a long way to go
to get you to trust me again,

but can I stay with you guys?

If you were to live with us,
there'd have to be some rules.

This is a sensitive time in Monica's life

and I don't want you coming in here
all Hurricane Cindy like you do.

Yes, of course. Of course, Ma.

I will live by whatever rules
you need me to.

-You won't get a pass this time.
-Understood.

I'm trying to change, Ma.

I want you to be proud of me.

Well, we'll see how things go, then.

Now, how do we come and get you?

[Neri and Cal laughing]

[Neri] Come on! Come on! Come on!

[Cal sighing]

[Neri laughing] Don't make me laugh!

[moaning]

You move like a snail.

It is a miracle
we haven't been caught yet.

I tried something new today.

Is that mine? Are you f*cking
single white female-ing me?

No, uh... Here. Touch.

You have abs. Good for you.
Now, put that back where you found it.

I wish I had abs.

If I did, I'd enter a bikini contest
and win the prize money.

These are chargers.
We can smuggle so many more in this way.

Impressive.

Will you help me take it off?

I can't...

[chuckles]

Where in Texas are you from?

Oh, that? No, um...

When I was little,
we were studying Native Americans,

and I learned that the Hasinai tribal word
"texas" means "Hello, friend."

It just stuck with me.

Couldn't have gone with "aloha"?

Your turn.

I think I can manage my own bustier.

It's tricky with the chargers.
It'll be faster if I do it.

[Alex sighs]

At least my tattoo isn't a cliché.

f*ck you. That's my lucky star.

I'm sure it is.

There.

You're like a su1c1de bomber.

I should get back.

Bye.

[footsteps approaching]

What's so important
you needed to tell me in person?

I want to read you a letter.

You know how hard it is
to find somebody on short notice

to take care of Pepa?

Next time, mail it to me.

This isn't easy for me, all right?

So just let me read it
before I change my mind.

[clears throat]

"I want to apologize for a lot of things.

I'm sorry I didn't trust
how you were raising Pepa.

You're the one out there
with her every day.

The one who picked up the pieces
when I f*cked up.

I made a lot of bad choices
the past few years,

but the one thing I did right
was choosing you to be Pepa's daddy.

I understand you got to move on
with your life.

I've held you back long enough.

What I'm trying to say is,

I want what's good for you,
'cause that's what's good for Pepa."

Thank you.

[Maria] I'm not done.

I'm trusting you out there with her.

So I need you to trust me
in here with her.

I want you to start bringing her again.

She should know who her mommy is.

You know I don't want her thinking
this place is an option for her.

Believe me, you bring her here

and I'll show her
how this is not an option.

She's gonna ask about me.

So it's better to be ahead of it.

Okay.

But if she starts going down
the wrong road, we stop coming.

We'll make those decisions together.

I can do that.

[chuckles]

[exhales]

One more thing.

I want to meet this new woman
that Pepa's spending her time with.

What's her name?

Her name's Maria.

Are you f*ckin' kidding me?

Oh, f*ck you, you f*cking p*ssy.

Who got voted off the island?

Litvack denied my Imam request in an email
while I'm out of the office.

f*cking coward.

He says, and I quote,
"We can't have women congregating

and speaking in foreign languages."

Those guys keep things
as hellish as possible

so those women beg to be deported.

I'm just another cog
in their sh*t machine.

Well, maybe it's time to take a step back.

Reassess what you want.

I've been much happier
since someone very wise

told me I could make more of a difference
outside the system.

Refer to me as sexy, not wise.

And, unlike you, I have no illusions
of making a difference.

Now, be quiet,
so I can start watching episode 38.

[nurse] Time to go!

All right. Let's wake up the troops!

Did you post something
about my surgery on Facebook?

According to Facebook,
I'm still happily married, so, no.

Also, I haven't logged in
since the Russians took over.

I'm getting a lot of love and support.

Excuse me.

-That's weird.
-[cell phone chimes]

Mrs. Caputo, this is where we leave you.

[Fig] As if I would ever take your name.
Come.

-Give me a second. Just a minute.
-Stop stalling! Come on!

The sooner we do this,
the sooner we get to babymaking.

Be nice to the nice nurse.

Hayes... Ugh. You ready?

[exhales]

Well, it's been interesting
living with you.

You leaving your stuff here?

Yeah. I don't want to take this place
with me.

Well, what am I supposed to do
with all that junk?

Well, good luck to you.
Hope I never see you again.

Hold up. Can you give me a minute?

You wanna stay in prison longer?
Knock yourself out.

Oh!

"Slams the body down."

[chuckles]

[laughs]

Uh... this is like Christmas gifts
and hide-and-seek

and cooking soufflés and bathroom stalls.
No peeking.

I'm gonna miss you, Suzanne.

[chuckles] Oh.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

Mmm.

Wait.

-Why am I missing you?
-I'm leaving. Like leaving-leaving.

No.

No, no, no.

You-- You-- You can't go. You can't go.

[stammering] I'm not done writing.

I mean, does canceled have one "L" or two?
And is it "affect" or "effect"?

There's so many questions
and so little time to fix you and Taystee!

You can't...

[both crying]

[Black Cindy] Thank you.

Thank you for always trying
to make things better.

I got a lot to learn from you.

[Suzanne] I'm gonna write you letters.

I'mma call you to see how you're doing.

"See"?

But I won't see what you're doing.

[laughs] 'Cause it's a phone.

[both laugh]

[both crying]

[Suzanne] Oh. Oh.

Will you send me pictures
of you doing fun stuff?

Like riding a bicycle, or...
Do you ride bicycles?

Yes.

[Suzanne] Or ice-skating when it's cold.

Or roller-skating when it's hot.
General movement with wheels.

Oh, except for scooters.

'Cause my dad says adults on scooters
look like idiots.

But secretly,
I think they look kind of fun.

[indistinct chatter]

-I heard Cindy got out today.
-I know.

[Dayanara] And you're okay with her
walking out there free like that?

You shoulda let me messed up her face
when we had the chance.

I thought about that.
But I'm pretty confident her life

is gonna be what she deserves
on the outside.

'Cause life likes to test you like that.

♪ Inside you lives
Every song you never sung ♪

♪ Waiting for the preachers
Find a prayer ♪

♪ We have a way
Of trying to pray forever ♪

[Taystee] You can choose
to do what's right,

or you can choose to do
what you know is wrong.

♪ I can't help but wonder
Why I listen to you... ♪

[Taystee] And when you make a bad choice,

living with what you've done
can be its own punishment.

♪ But every person that I ever knew ♪

'Cause you can be sure as sh*t

those skeletons will come back
to haunt you.

[exhales]

[Monica] Cindy!

Yo! [laughing]

Sayonara, suckers!

[sing-song] Y'all can kiss my black ass.

Kiss it, kiss it, kiss it, kiss it!

[Lillian] Really, Cindy?
You have to scream profanity?

Oh, my baby.

Oh!

Hey, girl. [chuckles]

[Black Cindy] Come on,
bring it in, Monica. Look at you, girl.

So big.

Yo, is that what I think it is?

Half orange, half Coke.

-Orange Coke! Thank you, Ma!
-[laughing]

[moaning]

♪ Oh, I wanna forgive it all ♪

♪ Oh, I wanna live forever ♪

♪ Oh, I wanna forgive it all ♪

♪ Oh, I wanna live forever ♪

♪ I wanna sing forever ♪

♪ I'm throwing stones at my home ♪

♪ I'm throwing stones at my home ♪

♪ I'm throwing stones at my home ♪

[music ends]