01x02 - Woe Is the Loneliest Number

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Wednesday". Aired: November 23, 2022 - present.*
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Wednesday Addams attempts to master her emerging psychic abilities, thwart a k*lling spree and solve the mystery of her parents 25 years ago at Nevermore Academy.
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01x02 - Woe Is the Loneliest Number

Post by bunniefuu »

This story

is about to take a dark turn.

Usually, I love dark turns.

Like when the carousel brakes

mysteriously failed

at my eighth birthday party.

But not this one.

We've been searching

for hours, Sheriff.

The dogs need a break.

Think we missed something?

I say we double back, sweep Collet Creek,

and then call it a night.

Okay.

- How could you miss a dead body?

- 'Cause it wasn't there.

No footprints, no blood,

no sign of a struggle. Nothing, nada.

My search party looked all night.

Well, your search party must have

left their seeing-eye dogs at home.

I saw that monster

k*ll Rowan right in front of me.

- Get a good look at this monster thing?

- It didn't stick around for a chat.

- Maybe it was one of your classmates.

- Sheriff, I find that question offensive.

I don't care, 'cause I got

three other dead bodies in the morgue.

- Hikers just ripped apart in the woods.

- The mayor said those were bear att*cks.

Well, the mayor and I disagree on that.

So you automatically assume

a Nevermore student is the m*rder*r,

even though there's no evidence

a crime was even committed.

I'm sorry. I forgot, you only teach

the good outcasts here, right?

My guess is Rowan ran away.

State troopers have put out an alert,

and I've contacted his family,

but they haven't heard from him either.

Dead people are notoriously bad

at returning calls.

What were you doing out in the woods

with him, Ms. Addams?

I heard a noise in the forest

and went to go investigate.

That's when I stumbled upon the att*ck.

Then what happened?

Then I ran into Bianca Barclay,

and I told her to go for help.

Next thing I remember,

I was awaking in my dorm.

And just to be clear, this monster

wasn't a bear or some other wild animal?

I've hibernated with grizzlies.

I know the difference.

Thank you, Sheriff.

I think Miss Addams is done now.

Actually, I would like

to speak to Sheriff Galpin. Alone.

I'm not sure I can allow that.

I'm sure I could take her to the station

and get a formal statement.

- Yeah, let's go.

- Fine.

You have five minutes,

and everything is off the record.

Play nice

or I will call the mayor.

Someone is trying to cover up

Rowan's m*rder.

That's the only reason

to scrub the crime scene.

Is that your professional opinion

as the daughter of a m*rder*r?

My father's twice the man you are,

and the only thing he murders

is the occasional opera in the shower.

It's been a long night.

I'm tired of your games.

I'm not playing games.

I'm telling the truth.

You want to reject my claims

but you can't.

Why is that?

Because you and I both know

there's a monster out there.

And Rowan is his latest victim.

- Sheriff?

- What?

You're gonna want to see this.

Edgar Allan Poe said,

"Believe nothing you hear

and half of what you see."

Clearly Nevermore's most famous alumni

picked that up here.

No wonder he became a drug-addled madman.

Help me understand

why you claim you witnessed a m*rder.

Was it to gain attention?

Why should I bother telling you anything?

You've already decided I'm lying.

I know what I saw.

Your life's had

a lot of upheaval recently.

It's okay to be confused about things.

Don't try and lure me into

one of your psychological traps.

No one is trying to trap you.

I'm here to help you

process your emotions.

Emotions are a gateway trait.

They lead to feelings,

which trigger tears.

I don't do tears.

Tell me how you're adjusting to school.

Sartre said, "Hell is other people."

He was my first crush.

Wednesday, Part of the reason

your parents sent you to Nevermore

is so you could find your people.

Become part of a larger community.

I like being an island.

A well-fortified one surrounded by sharks.

Have you considered

your antisocial tendencies

might be motivated by fear of rejection?

If you were to reject me,

I would not be upset.

You can't get rid of me that easily.

And look, you made it through an entire

session without trying to escape.

I'll take that as a win.

Guess you decided

to stick around Jericho.

Wait, you see Dr. Kinbott too?

You should know

I'm legally required to be here.

Uh, me too. Court ordered.

Look at us. A couple of teenage tearaways.

Hey, when you ran off last night

at the Harvest Festival,

I wasn't sure what happened,

and then I heard

Kinda crazy.

Everyone, including your father,

believes I made it all up.

You know, I

Time to get in touch with my inner rebel.

You know, for the record,

I believe you.

Ladies, come on!

Let's work on those teeth.

More scowl.

This kitty is taking no prisoners.

If Bianca Barclay wins again this year,

I will literally scratch my own eyes out!

I would pay money to see that.

Howdy, roomie!

I'm so glad you decided to stay.

I thought you wanted

your single room back.

Full disclosure, I don't like living solo

and Thing gives a k*ller neck massage.

It's a win-win.

So why the change of heart?

I refuse to play the role of a pawn

in someone else's corrupt game.

- You mean Rowan?

- I witnessed his m*rder, Enid.

It's just, we all saw him this morning.

Very much, like, not dead.

I know.

Which leads me to believe

I've been losing my mind.

It's not nearly as fun

as I had anticipated.

You're Nevermore's gossip queen.

What's Rowan's story?

Other than being a weird loner Uh

- No offense.

- None taken.

Xavier Thorpe's his roommate.

If you had a cell phone,

you could just text him and ask him.

Yoko. Come on! Flare those whiskers.

The Poe Cup droops for no one.

What is the Poe Cup anyway?

My entire reason for living right now.

Part canoe race,

part foot chase, no rules.

Each dorm has to pick an Edgar Allan Poe

short story for inspiration.

You could grab a brush.

Ms. Thornhill's just ordered pizza.

Want to take a s*ab at being social?

I do like stabbing.

The social part, not so much.

Besides, it'll cut into my writing time.

No worries.

Just as long as you're lakeside

cheering us to victory on race day.

Or you can just glare uncomfortably.

Whatever works for you.

I've always hated the expression

"write what you know."

It's a hall pass

for the imagination-impaired.

But when your life

becomes a twisted mystery

maybe it's time to lean into it.

I need to speak with Rowan.

I can't find him.

It won't be possible, I'm afraid.

He's been expelled.

For what?

Never you mind. He'll be on

the first train out this afternoon.

What were you doing

out in the woods with him?

I told you already.

I heard a noise,

and I went to investigate.

That excuse might have placated

the sheriff, but you can't fool me.

You had a psychic vision, didn't you?

I realized you might be having them

when we passed by the accident

and you knew that poor farmer

had broken his neck.

Your mother started having visions

around your age.

They were notoriously unreliable

and dangerous.

I remember at first,

she thought she might be losing her mind.

Have you spoken to her about them?

Clearly the person

withholding information here is you.

May I go now?

Not until you've picked

your extracurricular activity.

We want our students to be well-rounded.

I'd prefer to remain sharp-edged.

I took the liberty of putting together

a list of clubs that have openings.

How thoughtful.

You need to have picked one

by the end of the day.

I'll be keeping my eye on you.

No doubt you'll find something

that tickles your fancy.

The last person who tickled me

lost a finger.

Weems is clearly trying

to keep tabs on me.

Keep an eye on Rowan.

Don't let your fingers out of his sight.

We got scales on scales on scales

On scales on scales on scales ♪

On scales on scales on scales ♪

Weems said you'd be stopping by.

But to be honest, after your performance

at the Harvest Festival,

drama club might be more your speed.

After I passed out, who did you tell?

The sheriff?

You think I'd trust normie cops?

I went straight to Weems

and let her handle it.

Anyway, let's get this audition over with.

What are you? Alto, soprano or just loco?

Huh?

What was that?

A note only dogs can hear.

Here's a little song I wrote ♪

You might want to sing it

Note for note ♪

Don't worry ♪

Be happy ♪

Huh. You actually showed up.

Ever sh*t a bow and arrow before?

Only on live targets.

Okay.

Square stance.

Load the arrow like this, yellow side out.

Three fingers.

Pull back and

let it fly.

Any questions?

When's the last time

you saw your roommate Rowan?

You mean the one

that was k*lled by a monster?

The Harvest Festival.

I haven't talked to him since.

But his side of the room

was all packed this morning.

Rowan's always been a little off,

but, uh, the last couple weeks

he's been more erratic.

You know, telekinesis can mess

with your head, you know. He's

It started to freak me out.

So what's the deal with you and Tyler?

I'm sorry, were you the only one

who got to ask non-archery questions?

There is no deal. He was doing me

a favor driving me out of town.

Yeah, word of advice. Steer clear.

Why? Because he's a normie?

Tyler and his friends are jerks.

They can't stand that this school's

propping up their Podunk town.

Says the boy whose life

was served on a silver platter.

Hey, girls in glass houses

Should throw bigger stones.

At least I'm not an elitist snob.

Ouch.

Are you interested

in the ancient art of beekeeping?

Eugene. Eugene Ottinger.

Founder and president

of the Nevermore Hummers.

Wednesday. Wednesday Addams.

Am I late or is it only you?

The hive life isn't for everyone.

Most kids are afraid of venomous insects.

Are you willing to feel the sting?

Bees have been producing honey

in the same way for 150 million years.

They're nature's perfect community.

All working together

to achieve a common goal.

Fun fact, it's also one of the few

ecosystems in which females dominate.

From the queen bee to her workers.

There's no patriarchy in the hive!

Rowan! We need to talk.

Wednesday, I'm not allowed

to speak to anyone.

You had a lot to say

when you tried to k*ll me.

Told me I was destined

to destroy the school, remember?

Where did you get that drawing?

I just went into the woods

to clear my head.

Then you came after me.

Wednesday.

You shouldn't be here.

Yeah, back off and leave me alone.

I'm going to give you

all the materials again

How do you lose him

in a bathroom with no windows?

A lefty wouldn't have failed me.

Don't sulk.

I'm going to have to find

new evidence myself,

since you lost our only lead.

I see you finally made a friend.

Even if it is a plant.

I go for quality over quantity.

There's an open spot next to me.

If you can stand sitting

that close to an elitist snob.

I doubt Wednesday is impressed

by your tricks, Mr. Thorpe.

Admit it, you're a little impressed.

Wednesday, we're thrilled

to have you join us

on our journey into

the world of carnivorous plants.

Now

who can tell us the name of this beauty?

Dendrophylax lindenii.

Otherwise known as the ghost orchid.

First discovered

on the Isle of Wight in 1854.

Very good, Wednesday.

You may have competition

for first chair, Bianca.

Ooh!

Wednesday, perhaps you can identify

the ghost orchid's greatest qualities.

Resilience and adaptability.

It's able to thrive in even

the most hostile environments.

But its mere presence

can change the ecosystem,

causing the established plants

to reject it.

Usually because the native species

is allowed to thrive unchecked.

Nothing a Weedwackercouldn't fix.

- You can most certainly try.

- Are we still talking about flowers?

Thank you, ladies,

for those illuminating insights.

Clearly the plants

aren't the only carnivores in class today.

Good boy.

Watch your butt. Watch your butt.

- Hey. Where you going with Elvis?

- Just, uh

following a lead on a case.

You still believe

there's a creature out there, don't you?

I heard you and Santiago talking.

You think it's a Nevermore kid?

Ran into your shrink.

She was kind of tight-lipped

about your progress.

It's called doctor-patient

confidentiality.

How about father-son confidentiality?

What are you two yakking about?

Video games, cancel culture,

oat milk versus soy, it's a wild time.

- I pay the bills, I got a right to ask.

- We talk about Mom.

Remember her?

Better not be talking crap

about your old man.

I'll be home late.

You're on your own for dinner.

Oh, damn.

I I was hoping we could fire up the grill

and then catch the big game.

Love these warm, fuzzy memories

we're making, Dad.

I have to get back to the woods,

but Weems has been watching me

like a vulture circling a carcass.

And you want me to cover

so that you can return to the scene

of a crime that didn't happen?

I have beekeeping club this afternoon.

I need you as decoy.

Sorry. Two strikes.

I'm busy and bees totally creep me out.

Why don't you ask Thing?

Wait, you can't because he's mad at you.

Why's he mad? He's the one who screwed up.

All I know is that we spent an hour giving

each other manis, and he really opened up.

He feels like

you don't respect him as a person.

Technically, he's only a hand.

Wednesday! He's your family.

And he would do anything for you.

Go apologize

and I'll reconsider helping you.

I snapped at you.

I'll check my tone in the future.

Now chop-chop,

before all our leads turn cold.

What is it that you want?

Hand cream? Nail buffer?

New cuticle scissors?

Consider it done.

I know I'm stubborn,

single-minded and obsessive.

But those are all traits of great writers.

Yes. And serial K*llers.

What's your point?

I have nothing to get off my chest,

and I am not submitting

to your emotional blackmail.

Fine.

When Rowan showed me this,

it confirmed my greatest fear.

That I'm going to be responsible

for something terrible.

Not good terrible, like Ivan.

Bad terrible.

And I can't let that happen.

That's why I need to find out the truth.

Breathe a word of this to anyone

and I will end you.

If Weems comes sniffing around,

keep your distance,

look grim, and don't say a word.

- Payback is going to be a bitch.

- I'd expect nothing less.

Blab and I will squeeze you

like a honeycomb.

Snitches get stung.

It's hive code.

Besides, I should be thanking you.

This is the most girls

I've ever had in the shed.

Other than bees.

Shocking.

I've always had a thing

for werewolf chicks.

The chance that Enid ever becomes

romantically interested in you

is less than 1%.

So I've still got a sh*t?

Yes!

In ancient times, honey was used to treat

wounds and in sacrificial burial rites.

Cleopatra was rumored to bathe in honey.

Gave her skin a luminous glow.

You ever taken a honey bath?

I just don't wanna get stung.

The key is to remain calm.

Bees detect fear,

but you don't need to worry.

Because I have a very big smoker,

and I handle it like a pro.

Would you like to see it?

Sorry. I didn't want Elvis

to pick up on your scent.

Thanks. How'd you throw them off?

Uh

Coffee grounds?

Deer-hunting hack.

One of the perks

of being a part-time barista.

I assume your father didn't bring

the bloodhound to play fetch.

He doesn't tell me sh*t.

You must think

it's weird I'm stalking him.

No, I consistently stalk my parents.

Hey, wait, what really happened

the other night at the festival?

Look, I swear I won't say

anything to my dad.

I thought Rowan was in danger.

Turns out I was wrong.

Then he proceeded to use his telekinesis

to try and choke me to death.

Holy sh*t. Wh Why would he do that?

No idea. That's when this monster

came out of the shadows and gutted him.

Whoa. Whoa.

So So you really saw it?

And it didn't try to k*ll you?

It actually saved me from Rowan.

That's the part I'm trying to figure out.

I came here to find something

that can prove he was m*rder*d

and that I haven't lost my mind.

Yet.

These are Rowan's.

I knew it was a cover-up.

What are you talking about?

- So much of my

- my new desk, you psychopath!

- Speaking of that

- You creep people out!

- You know

- Unbelievable.

I did.

You're crazy!

You okay?

I keep seeing

that same purple book.

The cover was darker.

More like a day-old contusion.

Keep looking.

I don't usually find students in here

looking for actual books.

Most sneak in to make out.

I accidentally walked in

on two vampires fanging.

I can't unsee that.

Is there something I can help you find?

Have you seen this before?

It's a watermark

from a book I'm looking for.

I think it's the symbol

to an old student society. Um

The Nightshades.

Like the deadly flower.

Color me intrigued.

I was told they disbanded years ago.

Any idea why?

Sorry.

I was very impressed

with your answers in class today.

My mother is

a carnivorous plant aficionado.

I assume I get my red thumb from her.

Are you and your mother close?

Like two inmates sentenced to life

on the same cell block.

I know it can't be easy

showing up mid-semester.

I've been here a year and a half,

and I still feel like an outsider.

Because you're the only normie

on the staff?

Enid told me.

To tell you the truth,

I've never really fit in anywhere.

Too odd for the normies,

not odd enough for the outcasts.

I thought Nevermore would be different,

but there's still a handful of teachers

who will barely acknowledge me.

I act as if I don't care

if people dislike me.

Deep down

I secretly enjoy it.

- Never lose that, Wednesday.

- Lose what?

The ability

to not let others define you.

It's a gift.

Doesn't always feel that way.

The most interesting plants

grow in the shade.

And if you ever need anyone to talk to,

the door to the conservatory

is always open.

That purple book has got to be

around here somewhere.

Start investigating.

Rowan's full of surprises.

You're not supposed to be up here.

Good to see you too.

How'd you get past the Housemaster?

Use your siren powers?

Not while wearing this.

Would it k*ll you

to not think the worst of me for once?

- What do you want, Bianca?

- To see how you're doing.

I'm sorry about Rowan.

I know you guys used to be close.

Since when did you

give a damn about Rowan?

You were the one afraid

he'd do something to Wednesday.

Isn't that why you've been following her

like an eager-eyed puppy?

Or is there something more?

Seriously, what do you see in her?

You have a thing for a tragic goth girls

with funeral-parlor fashion sense?

Maybe it's because

she hasn't tried to manipulate me.

I make one mistake,

and you can't forgive me.

She treats you like crap,

you can't get enough.

Why are you fixated on Wednesday?

Because she thinks

she's better than everyone else.

I can't wait

to crush Ophelia Hall tomorrow

and watch her werewolf roommate crumble.

It's gonna be

a Poe Cup finale to remember.

- I hate to think what you've got planned.

- My game's already started.

I like to win.

Is that so wrong?

And you wonder why I broke up with you.

You used to love my k*ller instinct.

We were good together, Xavier.

Were we?

Is that just how you wanted me to feel?

Trust me, Wednesday Addams

is not the girl of your dreams.

She's the stuff of your nightmares.

Where have you been?

I'm literally having

a heart att*ck right now.

- Yoko's in the infirmary!

- What happened?

Garlic bread incident at dinner.

She had a major allergic reaction.

She's out of the Poe Cup.

I don't have a co-pilot.

It wasn't an accident. Bianca's behind it.

- How do you know?

- Doesn't matter.

You and I are going to

take her down tomorrow.

Wait. You're joining the Black Cats?

You're willing to do that?

For me?

I want to humiliate Bianca so badly

that the bitter taste of defeat

burns in her throat.

Yeah, but mostly you're doing it

because we're friends, right?

Tell me how she keeps winning.

It's a real brain cramp.

The past two years, no other boat has

made it across and back without sinking.

Sounds like sabotage.

There are no rules in the Poe Cup,

and she is a siren,

which makes her master of the water.

Then we just need

to b*at her at her own game.

- We're all set.

- Good. Thing's in position.

- Wanna tell me what you two were up to?

- And spoil the surprise?

Speaking of surprises,

your costume's in the tent.

Costume?

OMG, you look purr-fect!

Only thing, where are your whiskers?

Ask again,

and you'll be down to eight lives.

Focus.

What do we have here?

The runt of the litter.

For the record, I don't believe

I'm better than everyone else.

Just that I'm better than you.

I want to welcome you all

to the Edgar Allan Poe Cup.

This is one of Nevermore's

proudest annual traditions,

dating back 125 years.

Each team must row across to Raven Island,

pull a flag from Crackstone's Crypt,

and hustle back

without sinking or being sunk.

First team to cross the finish line

with their flag

wins the cup

and bragging rights for a year,

as well as some special privileges.

Let the Poe Cup begin!

Go! Go! Go!

- Move. Faster!

- Come on, ladies. Let's go!

Oh, excuse us!

Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!

- Come on! Go!

- Come on!

- Turn! Turn!

- Turn!

Come on, man. We lost 'cause of you.

Faster!

Thing.

Let's go. It's over here.

Stay here and make sure

Bianca can't sabotage our boat.

Thing, I need you to distract

a couple of jokers.

- What?

- Come on.

- Go.

- Let's get it.

Let's go, man.

She's right there.

Come on.

Later, Wednesday!

You are the key.

Taking a catnap?

- Come on!

- Hurry up, we have to go!

What's going on?

See ya, jokers!

Cheaters!

I just asked myself, "WWWD?"

What Would Wednesday Do?

The final two teams are the Gold Bugs

and the Black Cats.

Come on.

Gotcha!

Whoo!

Yeah, we did it!

OMG, Wednesday, we did it!

This is the greatest moment

of my entire life.

Admit it, you kinda got into

the whole school spirit thing.

You didn't tell me

it was a dark, vengeful spirit.

The first Poe Cup took place in 1897

as a way to not only honor

Nevermore's most famous alumni,

but to celebrate those values

that all outcasts share.

Community, perseverance,

and determination.

And we certainly saw those values

on display today.

Yeah!

Whoo!

Yeah!

Congratulations to Ophelia Hall!

As a former resident,

I will be happy to see the cup

back on the mantle after all these years.

What are you doing down here?

Hiding.

People keep randomly smiling at me,

it's unsettling.

It's called having your moment.

You took down Bianca Barclay.

Try to enjoy it.

The girls wanna know

if you wanna hang out later.

Oh, come on, it won't k*ll you.

I'll think about it.

Yes!

It's good to see you fitting in.

Just like your mother.

My mother and I are two different

people/species/everything.

The last time

Ophelia Hall won the Poe Cup,

your mother captained the team.

I was her co-pilot.

Maybe you two

are more alike than you think.

I'm so excited.

It was your job to help us win.

She's never lost. Never.

Nevermore continues to be an enigma.

A place where the questions

far outweigh the answers.

But sometimes

the answer is staring you

right in the face.

Don't worry, Edgar Allan.

I see your sanctimonious smirk.

But I will get the last laugh.

Your penchant for riddles was legendary.

And this might be your cleverest yet.

Because it's not a single riddle.

Rather, each line is its own separate one.

"The opposite of moon." Sun.

"A world between ours." Nether.

"Two months before June." April.

"A self-seeding flower." Pansy.

"One more than one." Two.

"Its leaves weep to the ground." Willow.

"It melts in the sun." Ice.

"Its beginning and end never found."

Circle.

"Every rule has one." Exception.

"The answer will give

a sharp cracking sound."

Secret societies.

Hidden libraries.

My mother staring at me

in a judgmental way.

These are all things I've come to expect.

But the minute I inch towards the truth

Luckily, I'm not afraid of the dark.
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