05x09 - Crumbs and Couch Surfers

[bunniefuu]

Hello.

I'd like to know your name
because I'm going to have

- to tell the police who I sh*t.
- I'm Kai.

It means "ocean."

I'm Dan. It means, "What
the hell are you doing here?"

I'm a friend of Harris's.

Actually, we've been seeing
each other for a few weeks.

Grandpa, hey. This is Kai.

He needed a place to stay,

so I told him he could spend
a few nights here.

Well, the place does give off
a "flop house" kind of vibe.

But before I say yes,

tell me something about yourself.

Well, I'm in a season
of growth and transformation...

Just the b*llet points, Ocean.

I grew up with money,

but I found it was corrupting me,

so I rejected it and turned
to a life on the road.

I'm gaining authentic experiences

instead of trying to buy
my way to happiness.

I'm not hearing "job" anywhere in there.

How can you afford to travel?

I meet a lot of good souls
along the way, like...

like your amazing granddaughter, Harris.

And when I don't, I hop trains

and eat perfectly good food
that people throw away.

Okay, I get it.

- You're a commie hobo with a goofy hat.
- No.

Kai is just a... a free spirit
who writes poetry.

Actually, I met him
outside the tattoo shop,

and he traded me a poem for a tattoo.

Somehow you got screwed twice
on that deal.

Louise, this is Kai.

He's gonna be staying over
for a little bit.

Cool. Nice to meet you, Kai.

Help yourself to anything in the fridge.

Oh, except the, uh, bologna log.

It belongs to this guy.

He measures it every night
before he goes to bed.

and /.

Here, you should wear this.

It's sunny, but it's cold out.

Where are you guys headed?

The forest preserve.
It's a nice day out,

so we're gonna go expose
our perineums to the sun.

The perineum is an area that
doesn't get much sun exposure,

yet it's a tender barrier
to parts of the body

that need vitamin D.

Yeah. Can't you just go in the bathroom

and squat over a flashlight?

Okay, no family that gets
all of its vitamins

from fortified Lucky Charms
is going to understand this.

See you guys later.

Have a magical day.

[♪]

- What are you doing?
- I'm saging.

There used to be a funeral home here,

so it's important to make sure
all the bad spirits are gone.

Hold on. Darlene?

- Yep?
- It's not working.

You're just driving the bad
spirits into the kitchen.

- Whoa, look at that.
- What?

It's your rent going up.

Oh. The delivery guys are coming.

Yes! The new couch is here.

You can just put it there
right in front of the TV.

Bold choice. Maybe that will catch on.

- Would you like us to unwrap it?
- No, no.

Uh, it's my first new couch,
so I want to unwrap it myself.

Slowly. Gently.

Maybe light a candle, put on some music.

She just tells me to, "Lose the pants."

Yeah!

Hey, let's break this baby in, huh?

I'll unwrap it, you guys order a pizza,

we'll take a little TV break
before we unpack anything else.

I... Unh-unh. Oh.

New rule... no eating
or drinking on the couch.

And no sleeping in bed
or getting wet in the shower.

[Gasps] No sitting in chairs,

- no standing when you walk.
- [Laughs]

I'm... I'm serious.

Everything else in here
is stuff we already had.

This is new, so for once

let's not trash it up
the minute we get it.

But we always eat
and watch TV on the couch.

And now we're gonna do
what most families do.

We'll eat at the table
and talk about our day.

Ew. Haven't you been paying attention?

Our lives suck.

How about a compromise?

We'll eat on the couch
and you'll eat at the table

and tell yourself about your day.
Show of hands?

O... Okay, here's my compromise...

no one eats or drinks
on the couch, ever...

And?

... and Becky and Mark don't
have to go live under a bridge.

And you do not have to go with them.
Hands?

The people have spoken.

All I can do is go along with them.

[♪]

[♪]

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Alright, you and I need to have
a little talk about Kai.

Why? What's up?

Your man took the weed
that was drying out

in the basement and left this...

"Sweet gange underground.

A fertile crop of friendship.

A sweet new bud's bud."

Ah. What the hell?

It's just a haiku.

Can I smoke it?

'Cause I really needed
that weed for my bad shoulder.

The weed is half mine anyways
because I grow it with you.

So, let's just say he took my half.

We're dating,
it's really not a big deal.

I don't care if she likes him.

He's gotta go.

Not only is the weed a problem,

there's / of an inch
missing off my bologna.

Yeah, I agree what the guy did
was sketch.

But you gotta come at Harris
a different way.

I'll talk to her tonight
after band practice.

Aw, you don't have to do that.

It's gonna be rough.

She's used to being mad at me.

Harris and I are building
a relationship.

And she'll be a lot less
defensive hearing it from me.

Okay, you remember that guy
that thought he was building

a special relationship
with the grizzly bears?

He said, "I'm your friend."

What the grizzly bears heard was,

"Pull my head off. It's delicious."

Chip me.

Are you guys really gonna
keep doing this?

Darlene's just treating
this couch like it's a new car.

After the first ding, she'll chill out.

No, this is different.

Before she went to bed, she
said, "Good night. I love you."

I was in the room, but I knew
she was talking to the couch.

[Vehicle approaches]

- She's home!
- Oh! Okay.

Uh, Beverly Rose, this is not a drill.

I need your beer, Grandpa.

Grandpa needs it more, sweetie.

You gotta lose the beer, Dad.

A drifter took my weed,
I'm keeping my beer.

Oh. Oh, hey, gurl!

Hey, what's shakin', bacon?

Where you gals been?

So, somebody left their Costco
card at The Lunch Box.

We took it for a spin.

Darlene got some stuff for the new house

and, Dan, I got you that
pound wheel of Parmesan Cheese.

Dad, I don't know if you heard,

but I'm not letting my new couch
get trashed up, so...

I have heard, and I'm not doing it.

Sooner or later something's gonna happen

to this couch, Darlene.

You need to accept that now.

- Look, my house, my rules.
- Ho, ho, ho.

I said that to you kids
your entire childhood.

Now it's my turn to say,
"You suck, and I hate you.

You're, like, ruining my life."

- I'm not kidding, Dad.
- You better be.

I built you this house,
and now you're gonna tell me

that I can't make myself at home here?

Yes. I've seen what it looks
like when you feel "at home."

I... I don't want my house
to look like yours.

You know what? I don't need this.

I'm taking my friend, Beer,

and we're going to go back to my house

where I can watch TV
the way I always have.

Jackie, would you please drive me home

because I have enjoyed
four other friends

on an empty stomach.

[♪]

[Door closes]

Isn't it great we can both
watch a scary movie

at the same time on our phones?

[Whispering] Yeah, the only
thing that's a little annoying

is that it's not at the same time.

You're seeing it
three seconds before me.

- Oh, my God!
- Two... three...

And there's a human foot in the freezer.

[Scoffs]

It's ridiculous that Darlene
is doing this.

You should be here
watching this with me.

[Whispering] Hey.

Gotta go, Dad.

- Uh...
- What the hell, Ben?!

Here! Damn it!

See, this is what happens...

when you have to sneak
around your own house.

Shh! You're gonna wake Darlene up.

The stain is not coming out.

What are we gonna do?

I don't see any alternative. [Sighs]

- We have to burn the house down.
- No, no.

She's just gonna run into the flames

to save the couch, see the stain,

and we're never gonna hear
the end of it.

I say we pin it on Beverly Rose.

Hey! That's my daughter
you're talking about.

And that's why I'm glad
you said it first.

Let's do it.

Okay, good. Good.

So you just gotta help me plan it out.

Uh, Beverly Rose has been eating

- a lot of bananas lately, right?
- Yeah.

Okay, so let's take some of those

and we'll smash them
into the carpet right here,

'cause I don't want her
talking her way out of this!

[♪]

- Uh, where's Kai?
- He's at a -hour printer

getting his poetry bound into books.

Oh, it's so cute how he leaves a poem

every time he takes anything.

[Chuckles]

- I'm glad you like him.
- I do.

And I think there's a way
to smooth things out

between him and your grandpa.

If he just follows
a couple of house rules.

Oh, and maybe pays him back
for that weed

when he sells some of the books.

Oh, he's not selling those,
he's giving them away.

He believes art belongs to the people.

Yeah, usually after they pay for it.

How is he, uh, able to print copies?

He doesn't have a job.

I gave him a little bit of money.

- How much?
- I don't know, bucks.

- $?
- Yeah.

I mean, I'm getting a lot back
in return...

he's sweet and cool
and I haven't had that

since I broke up with Aldo.

You know, I dated
a lot of cool, artsy guys,

and they tend to be
pretty irresponsible with money.

Do you know the difference
between a drummer

and a large pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

What are you saying?

That he's taking advantage of me?

No, no, no, I'm just saying
that you might be overlooking

some of the red flags.

You know, like... like stealing
and taking money from you

without knowing how to pay you back.

Uh, convincing you to pull
your pants down in the forest

so you could get some vitamin D.

Oh, my God, stop.

You're twisting everything
around to make him sound bad.

No, no, I'm not twisting anything.

I'm telling you the truth.

You don't know anything about us.

Plus, I don't need to be judged
by someone

who didn't have a real relationship

till she was in her sixties.

- Excuse me?
- You heard me.

Fine. I'm out.

But don't come crying to me
when he disappears

and leaves you nothing
but a crappy book of poems

that you paid for.

They're not just poems!

Some of them are lyrics to a rock opera

he's letting me produce!

[♪]

Beverly Rose.

Beverly Rose.

How did I get here?

- What, you didn't fall asleep here?
- No.

Okay, let's figure this out.

- What is the last thing you do remember?
- I was in my bed.

And I had a dream
that Mommy was carrying me,

- and she talked to a wolf that sounded like Ben...
- Mm-hmm.

... and the wolf smelled like bananas.

Ben?! Becky?! Get in this living room!

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Well, we are.

About a lot of things.

Uh, I'd rather not be specific
until we know what you know.

You clearly used an innocent child

to cover your inability
to follow the simplest rules.

Oh, that. Yeah.

Um, I wouldn't say ashamed

so much as wishing I'd done it better.
Come on.

- Good luck, Ben.
- Yeah.

Well, if you don't see me
for a couple of days,

check the yard for
a meticulously dug grave

with no crumbs on it.

- God, you ruined my sofa, Ben.
- Okay.

See, "my sofa" is where
we have a problem,

because it's my sofa, too.

And you bought a white couch
for God's sakes.

I mean, you gotta get over this.

And I thought you got a handle

on your whole control freak thing.

Look, we spilled because
you made us nervous,

and then when we tried
to clean it, it made it worse.

- This is crazy!
- You know what?

Why don't you and your banana-wolf face

take all your purple juices
and your greasy snacks

and your dark, sweaty pants, and your...

your pens that you cavalierly
leave the caps off of

and go to my dad's house,

because he has no problem
with people staining his couch

because he's not "crazy"!

So the couch is more important than me?

You're gonna kick me out of
my own house over a couch?

No, I'm kicking you out
because there was one thing

that was important to me
and you cannot respect that.

[Chuckles] Fine, fine.

I hope you two are very happy together,

and, you know, I can't wait
to read your obituary...

"She is survived
by her stain-free couch."

And matching ottoman.

[Knock on door]

I heard about the spill.

Don't you start too.

Everybody thinks I'm crazy

for acting this way about a couch.

Ben thinks I value it more
than our relationship.

Well, uh, the couch is still here

and Ben's not, so something's going on.

I don't know how this blew up
into such a huge thing.

All I wanted was to keep my couch nice.

Why do you think that is?

Jackie, don't try to shrink me.

I wouldn't dare, you're small enough.

But I think we need to get to the bottom

of why you're so obsessed
with this couch

that you've driven away
your husband and your father.

I think obsessed is a little harsh.

Give me that.

Okay, I'm obsessed.

I don't know why, though.

It's like when I lived
in Chicago with the kids,

I literally pulled my couch
up off of the curb

and it was okay.

But I guess I was just starting out,

and I... I thought I'd be a success

and that one day,

there would be this magical new couch.

Yeah, and you got it.

We're sitting on a magic couch.

But what if it's the last couch?

I mean, what if there is no more

magic furniture in my future?

You know, when I made
manager at Wellman, I...

I thought, "Well, this is what
life is gonna be like now.

And I'm gonna keep climbing."

And then I lost that job,

and I just cannot find another one.

So you're just worried
that this was all a fluke

and you're not worth
what you thought you were.

What if it's true?

Oh, my... I actually got one.

Oh, my God.

I mean, this is a deep-seated fear

and that's really sad,

but let's not lose sight of the fact

that I actually got one.

Having a really hard time
being happy for you.

Well, see, that's because
you're catastrophizing.

That's the old negative Darlene
popping up and telling you

that just because
you lost one really great job,

you're never gonna get another one.

So you do think I'm gonna get
another great job?

Of course I do.

But you've got to fix things with Ben,

'cause I'm just gonna say it...

everybody thinks that the odds
of you getting

another husband that looks like him?

Slim to none!

- Hi.
- Hey.

Where are your books?

I want to show Louise how cool they are.

Oh, I didn't get them printed.

I was gonna, but I was
booking it down the street

on my skateboard, racing a school bus,

and then this little sign
came out that said "stop,"

and my face did,
but my skateboard didn't.

Anyways, I lost my earbuds
and had to buy new ones.

So you... you spent the whole
bucks on earbuds?

I wish they were only bucks.

I had to take more
out of your wallet.

What? You took money out of my wallet?

Since when do you care
so much about money?

I thought that didn't matter with us.

I'd give you anything I have.

Well, that's easy for you to
say, you don't have anything.

I could've used that money
for rent or...

or my share of the utility bills.

Fine. I... I'll pay you back.

Anger is like a cold wind,
chilling your bones.

Anger is hot, everybody knows that.

Your poems suck.

You stole from me
and took advantage of me.

You gotta find somewhere else to stay.

This isn't working for me anymore.

- You can't just kick me out.
- Yes, I can.

No, you can't.

Legally you can't make a guest leave

without days' notice.

Alright, alright, what's going on?

You were right about Kai.

He stole money from me,
and now he won't leave.

Finish your lunch, Kai. You're leaving.

I'll leave when I'm ready to go.

Unless you're gonna pay for a motel.

I'll get my checkbook.

I don't have a checking account.

Oh, it's alright.

I don't have a check.

You're not gonna hit me.
You'll go to jail.

What the hell, lady?

You're an intruder.
That was a warm-up swing.

I'm not leaving because I'm scared,

I'm leaving because
the universe says it's time.

Don't let the universe hit you
in the ass on the way out!

Oh, my God. Thank you.

I'm all just kind of amped up
from threatening that guy.

Whew.

Idea... how about we smoke
Grandpa's half

of the weed to level out?

And we can write a crappy poem,
blame it on Kai.

Well, if we're gonna do that,
we're gonna get the munchies,

so why don't we blame him for
inches of bologna log, too?

[♪]

It's Darlene with your food delivery.

Oh, who's not getting
their pizza tonight?

No one. I bought it because I feel bad.

I'm sorry for acting so crazy
about the couch,

but I talked about it with Jackie,

and I figured out why.

And also, I did steal that,

so I probably should talk
about that with Jackie, as well.

Anyway, I'm glad Jackie helped you

work your way through this,

because it's not the worst thing
in the world

if your couch gets stained.

Your mom and I looked at them
as memories.

Mm.

Right there is where Becky cried
when she had a skinned knee,

then she realized
she was made of tougher stuff.

Over there is where I dumped
an entire beer

- watching the Bears win the Super Bowl.
- [Chuckles]

And Ben's sitting where
your mom's water broke

when she had you.

Might've mentioned that when
I was face-down napping there.

- Uh-oh, crumbs between the cushions!
- No big deal.

Oh, cheese dust on my fingers.

I get what you guys are doing,
and I'm not pretending.

I've made peace that the couch
is gonna get stained,

- and that's okay.
- Sorry, guys, I fixed her.

I'm just that good.

So proud of you.

You really worked through this.

[Door closes]

[Dustbuster whirs]