01x09 - No One Dies for Failing the SATs

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Reginald the Vampire"...

What's your story?

I let down and hurt

anyone who's ever meant anything to me.

You lied to me. You
could have been brave.

Instead, you chose deception.

- Welcome to the Slushy Shack.
- You're alive.

I was your friend, and
you made me your meal plan.

You try being a vampire
and see how that goes.

You did those things
because you're an assh*le.

I want you to make me human again.

Now, I'm the closest thing
to a god as they come,

but that request you're asking
is way above my pay grade.

I'm ready to go home, Maurice.

We're probably both could end up dead.

I'll think of something. It's what I do.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

We're shorthanded again tomorrow.

Would you mind working a double?

I'm already doing a double.

Like, currently, during
this very conversation,

I'm on my second consecutive shift.

Can you do another shift?

I've got plans.

Um, vampire hunting isn't plans.

It's not hunting. It's sleuthing.

[MACHINE BEEPS]

Enjoy your slushy.

Make the new guy do it.

There is no new guy.

And trying to prove that monsters exist

isn't sleuthing. It's delusional.

There's really no new guy?

I could swear you did an
interview this morning.

Yeah, I did two.

Should I hire the
influencer who's available

for three hours every second Thursday,

or the -year-old who said,

and I quote, "Maybe I could supervise."

Ugh.

[SIGHS]

They called Galileo
delusional, and he was right.

Did you know Galileo was his first name?

In case you didn't, now you do.

Ash, please.

I know that you've been
working a ton lately,

but Reginald's gone and Todd...

Yeah, I guess sleuthing can wait.

How's my pinch?

Still not as good as the last guy's.

[ELECTRICITY HUMMING]

Do you ever miss him?

[SIGHS] Sometimes a person comes

into your life and
just shines, you know?

They're like the sun wrapping you up

in the glow of a summer day,

and all you want to do is
stay there and feel the warmth.

But the sun doesn't
shine for you, you know?

It doesn't care about you in particular.

And it sure as hell
doesn't care if it burns,

so do I miss getting b*rned?

No.

Yeah, I miss him, too.

Hark, vampire citizens,

I have news of great import and joy.

What did I tell you about
being a pompous assh*le?

It is with absolute
pleasure that I introduce

the new director of the Midwest region,

Evangeline Elwood.

[TENSE MUSIC]

What the hell? Eve?

Angela, darling, it's
so good to see you.

I'm sure you have a million questions,

but rest assured, I am here to serve.

You've been served.

I'm being reassigned to the Yukon?

As my replacement.

The Council wanted
to feed on your heart,

but I convinced them that you're far

too valuable an asset to eat.

- Your beneficence...
- Cut the sh*t, both of you.

Eve, what the hell is this?

Angie, what did you think would happen

when you failed to
punish the fat vampire

for missing his original Assessment?

k*ll everyone he loves.

That's standard protocol.

I am aware of standard protocol.

Which makes your decision to ignore it

all the more damning.

Sure, it's sweet, you did so
at the behest of Maurice Miller.

Personally, that man
can beg me any old time.

How did you f...

oh.

Vermin.

Darling, really?

Mercy?

We don't do mercy.

That's a fatal error best exhibited

by parents and priests.

But in your case, that
was the last straw.

Goodbye, Midwest region.

Hello, Yukon.

No hard feelings, right?

None at all, Regional Director Elwood.

Call me Eve.

[SIGHS]

You have until the end of
the week to move your sh*t

out of my house.

I know I said atonement was, like,

my jam now, but maybe we should wait

a little more time before...

Reggie, no time like right this minute.

Your Assessment is back on the books.

When you say "back on the books?"

Friday morning.

Three and a half days
until our certain doom.

Nothing's certain.

Okay, ticking clock.

Whole new approach.

No more skipping rope,

more like prepping for the SATs.

No one dies for failing the SATs.

The thing about the SATs
is there's a whole industry

around studying for them...
practice tests, study guides,

- that sort of thing.
- Look, we went over this.

All that information is privileged.

For my Assessment, sure,

but what about past Assessments?

I know they're all different,
but maybe there's something

in there that can save our lives.

I'll see what I can dig up.

Now, you go do the right thing.

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

That'll be $ . .

Perfect.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[ARCADE GAMES TRILLING]

Hey! You're not dead!

Hey! [CHUCKLES]

You're... you're not mad at me?

[GRUNTS] [LAUGHS]

I was mad.

Then I thought you were dead.

Then I was scared.

And I can't believe you
disappeared like that.

Everyone was super worried.

Everyone?

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hey.

Uh, I... I like what
you did with your hair.

You're fired.

Wait, is... is Todd...

You don't know, do you?

Of course you don't.

You've been gone.

Todd tried to k*ll himself,

right here in the Slushy Shack.

He tried, as in he didn't succeed...

which, I mean, obviously
is still terrible,

but it would have been so much worse.

Todd's alive.

Todd's in the break room.

He comes in every day.

He just sits there, all alone.

But he won't come out here.

He can't because he's afraid.

Any idea why?

Give her time, big guy.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Hey, there... buddy.

Oh, sh*t.

It's you.

It's you!

- Stay away!
- Todd...

Stay away!

Oh, please, please, don't k*ll me.

I... I'm begging you, man.

For all that is holy, just...

just don't take any more of my blood.

I tried to tell them what you are.

They thought I was... [WHISTLES]

All it got me was a psych hold,

which let me tell you,

is no one's idea of a good time.

- Did you tell Sarah?
- No, I didn't tell Sarah.

The medical community
already thinks I'm crazy.

I'd prefer to limit the
damage to my reputation.

So how do you know I'm a vampire?

Dude, you drank my blood,

like, almost all of it.

And I didn't glamour you to forget.

Make me forget? Wh...
why are you saying that

like that's just something you can do?

It's something I can do, like a perk.

Are there any other perks?

Okay, wh... when did this happen to you?

How could you even
keep it a secret from...

Hang on.

Did you erase my memory before?

- No, no.
- You erased my memory.

[SCOFFS] That makes so much sense.

You're here to do it again, aren't you?

You're gonna wipe my
mind like a chalkboard.

No, no.

I'm not gonna erase anything, okay?

I... I don't do that anymore.

Besides, Maurice was actually the one

who erased most of
your memories when he...

Whoa, whoa, hold up.

Maurice is a vampire too?

You deserve to know the whole truth.

That actually makes a lot of sense.

Oh, my God.

You're here to finish the job, huh?

Don't you have any other
intake options, man?

I mean, I'm sure my blood
tastes awesome, but, like...

Todd, I'm not here to finish anything.

I'm here to make amends.

[FANGS CLICK]

Whoa. What are you doing?

[ELECTROACOUSTIC MUSIC]

Drink my blood.

- [SCOFFS]
- It'll heal you.

This another perk?

[SIGHS] Yeah.

How do I know this isn't another trick

to just get me close enough
to rip my throat out again?

If I wanted to, it
would already be done.

Fair point.

Creepy as hell, but I hear ya.

[EXHALES] Okay.

♪ ♪

I feel like this is
a really weird dream.

Welcome to my world.

[GASPS]

Whoo!

[LAUGHS] Oh!

Whoa! Reggie, that is crazy, dude.

I cannot believe that.

Dude, you're like a wonder drug.

I have never felt so alive.

- How do I look?
- All better now.

What? That is crazy.

Look, I'm sorry for everything I did.

I'm sorry I didn't appreciate
what you did for me.

You were a friend when I
needed one and I betrayed you.

I won't do that again.

[SIGHS]

So...

[EXHALES]

[CHEERFUL POP MUSIC PLAYING]

Welcome to the Slushy Shack.

How may I help you?

What the hell are you doing here?

We had a deal.

You spare Reginald's friends,

and I bring him back for his Assessment.

What's with the suitcase?

I'm familiar with our deal.

Wait, you found him?

Good for you, Maurice.

Now f*ck off.

There's one more thing.

You're still here.

I need access to the archives.

Reginald wants to read through histories

of the past Assessments.

[CHUCKLES] Those old books aren't going

to help him pass or survive.

Look, I told him it was a long sh*t,

but he wants to look anyway.

It's not a long sh*t.

It's impossible.

And if you were half as
smart as you think you are,

you'd be halfway
around the world by now.

Reginald is my progeny.

I'm gonna stand by him no matter what.

Believe it or not, you taught me that.

After what I did, you could
have left me in Oakland...

should have,

but you didn't.

All right, Maurice,

access to the archives.

But do not let Eve find out.

- Eve?
- [LAUGHS]

What's with the suitcase

is I got relocated to the f*cking Yukon.

And all because I let you talk me

into sparing everyone your boy loves.

What you did was a good thing,

the right thing.

Turns out mercy is a fatal error.

You ever wonder if you're
playing for the wrong team?

[SCOFFS]

Team?

There are no teams.

There are only enemies.

My entire existence,
I have been surrounded

by people who wanted to take my power,

people who wanted me dead.

But you... you were different.

Until you wanted me dead
just like everybody else.

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hello, Penelope.

Something I can do for you?

Thank goodness you're here.

I was worried he'd do something stupid.

I mean, of course, he's
going to do something stupid,

but if you talk to him,
maybe he won't wind up

getting himself, or even worse,

getting me k*lled.

What are you talking about?

Who are you talking about?

[BUZZER DRONES DISTANTLY]

- Wick.
- Maurice's friend.

- Mike.
- Whatever.

Is that what I think it is?

Mind if I give you a
little unsolicited advice?

Maybe you noticed, I'm down an arm.

I'm missing that limb because
a certain lady found out

that I'm dealing in
what you came here for.

I got off lucky.

Are you feeling lucky, Mike?

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Lucky enough.

♪ ♪

- Angel's Blood.
- Oddly enough,

I originally acquired
that for another client

with whom you are familiar.

Oddly enough, this blood is
intended for the same target.

We're officially boned.

Nothing?

A resounding amount of nothing.

I've read the minutes
of every past Assessment,

every single one of
the vampire histories,

which, by the way, read a lot more

like erotica than history.

- Accurate too.
- I've even read

all the vampire bylaws,
thousands of them.

So while in theory, I'm
ready to take the bar,

there isn't a single loophole
that will help me pass it.

Reggie, did you talk to Sarah?

I... um, sort of.

We said hi, and then she fired me.

But what does that have
to do with anything?

Stop.

Look, I don't care
about your personal life,

but if you're telling me
you read , pages...

, .

And came up empty,

then it's not because there's nothing.

It's because you're distracted.

What if she doesn't want to talk to me?

Again, don't care.

Go tie up your loose ends,

and then get your head back in the game

like our lives depend on it.

Closing time, huh?

You need any help? Something I could do?

So, um, I think I owe
you an explanation.

No, Reginald, you really don't.

No, I think I do, and
if you could just stop

and listen for
seconds, it's all I need.

Okay, wow, I didn't
think you'd actually stop.

- You have seconds.
- Got it.

I guess I have to do this now.

Direct and to the point, no buildups.

Uh, no softening the blow.

seconds.

I'm a vampire.

I wasn't always like that, but...

a... a vampire, I mean.

I got turned the night
we were supposed to go

on our first date,

which you don't remember, right.

That's something else I have to explain.

Vampires have this
power called glamouring.

Basically, we have the power

to influence people in major ways.

The reason why you had
all these memory gaps

is because someone... not me,

glamoured you into
forgetting how you feel.

Someone glamoured me

into forgetting how I felt about you?

It's hard to believe, I know.

No, no, it's not.

No.

You know, actually, it
makes a lot of sense,

if you think about it.

Let me think about that

for a minute.

Yeah, thinking. Still thinking.

Give... just a couple
more seconds of thinking.

How stupid do you think that I am, huh?

Like, on a scale of
one to ten, how stupid?

No, that's... that's not at all.

Are you sure?

Because you just told me
that you were a vampire.

It's the truth, I swear.

The truth is that you lied to me.

And when you got caught, you left town.

So I guess that makes
you a coward too, huh?

Yeah, a coward and an assh*le.

And now you're back, which
is really confusing for me

because it's all that I ever wanted,

for you to come back and
open up and be honest.

And sure, it was always
gonna be a big mess,

but at least I'd know the truth.

So I'm sorry, Reginald.

You don't get to tell
me some insane story

and then swear that it's true.

I'm done with your lies.

I'm done with your truth.

I am just... done.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Sa...

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

As much as it flatters me,

are you sure you can risk

bringing me home like this?

It's not my home anymore.

There's a story behind that.

Now, you're gonna tell me

until you make me forget.

Not this time.

Listen to me.

[ECHOING]

- Remember.
- [GASPS]

Remember everything
I have ever told you.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[GASPS]

Oh.

[WHISPERS] No.

Now you know.

[GASPS]

Reginald never showed
up for his Assessment.

And now he's back,

not that it matters.

The Council has transferred
me to another time zone.

Why?

It doesn't matter now.

You're leaving town?

Will I ever see you again?

Maybe glamour me a sudden desire

to travel or a work trip?

I can leave the kids at home.

I'll go wherever you want.

No more glamouring for you.

This really is goodbye, isn't it?

Thank you for giving
me back my memories.

All of your stories.

If it is any consolation,

I have no intention of going
gently into that good night.

Think of it like me burning
the place down on my way out.

But what if you get
caught in the flames?

What...

Then I go out in a blaze of glory.

Oh, you... you really have changed.

The Angela I met all those years ago

wouldn't burn the place down.

She would make her enemies
set themselves on fire.

♪ ♪

[CASH REGISTER DINGS]

I'm a vampire.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Listen to me. [ECHOING]

[CASH REGISTER DINGS]

Vampires have this
power called glamouring.

♪ ♪

Basically, we use it to influence people

in major ways.

♪ ♪

[CASH REGISTER DINGS]

[RETCHES]

[CASH REGISTER DINGS]

[MUSIC BUILDING]

♪ ♪

- [CASH MACHINE DINGS]
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Show me your fangs.

Hey, Sarah.

You said that you were a vampire.

Vampires have fangs,
and I want to see them.

Look, about what I said...

maybe we should just forget
about all of that, okay?

I'm a clueless assh*le,

and you can consign me to
the dustbin of your history.

Show me, Reginald.

[TENSE MUSIC]

[FANGS CLICK]

Oh.

♪ ♪

You were telling me the truth.

Can I put my teeth away now?

[FANGS CLICK]

If you lied, this
would be so much easier

for me to wrap my head around

because you'd be a lying shitbag,

but you're a truth-telling shitbag.

You're my truth-telling shitbag.

But I'm not saying that I
want to get back together.

I'm not sure that I'm ever
gonna be ready for that,

but so much has happened.

Look, can I just come in and...

As much as I want you to...

I don't think you should.

I'm a vampire and you're human,

so this is what's best.

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Oh, hell no.

Hello, Reginald.

You're here to k*ll me, aren't you?

The Assessment's not
until another hours.

I'm pretty sure this is a
violation of governing bylaw,

and believe me, I know every one.

[EXCITING MUSIC]

Open them.

It's everything you need to
know about your Assessment.

Everything I could find, anyway.

I figure you had a
better chance of passing

if you knew the shape of the thing.

Holy motherload.

You're welcome.

Why? I mean, thank you,

but how do I know this isn't a trap?

[CHUCKLES] You don't.

♪ ♪

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.

Or alternatively, vampire monsters

who hate the ground I walk on.

I spoke to Angela yesterday.

She didn't say anything about this.

But maybe this is a good thing.

Oh, this is better than good.

This is the Holy Grail.

- That's what bothers me.
- Angela's got an angle.

- Yeah.
- Ugh.

Yeah, Angela's always got an angle,

but here we are.

I... I'm confused.

Are we trusting Angela now?

No. No, no, no, hell no.

Okay, but as it stands,

this is the best sh*t we've got,

so why don't you just
dig in, see what's what,

and I'll try and find
out what Angie's up to.

Watch me work.

[BIRD CAWS]

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[FLUTTERING]

That's your plan,

dose Angela's wine?

♪ ♪

Gotta say, there's poetry in it,

considering she pulled that
sh*t on me in this very room.

If you care about
saving Reginald's life,

you won't try to stop me.

k*lling Angela won't
stop the Assessment.

You came here to k*ll her.

I'm just finishing what you started.

Funny thing, turns out
revenge has a shelf life.

When Angela takes a debt,

she makes sure it's never repaid.

The evil that she's done
that I've been a party to,

I need to be free of that.

I get it. I really do.

But right now, I need Angela alive.

Trust me, okay?

♪ ♪

Okay.

[SIGHS] What do you want, Todd?

Did I ever tell you about my dad?

I'm not sure why you would.

He was a bull on steroids,

minus the steroids.

Which makes him a bull.

The man could bench in his sleep,

run a marathon before breakfast.

This one time, we were camping,

and a bear wandered onto our campsite.

My dad punched it right in the face...

an actual bear.

Mm, I guess he was a bull on steroids.

Course, that bear k*lled him.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Damn.

Yeah, it was...

It was awful.

Worst thing I ever saw.

I don't want to get k*lled by a bear.

I want to live forever.

I want you to make me a vampire.

[SIGHS]

I knew it.

Reginald's a vampire, and
that means vampires exist,

so that means I was right.

This explains so much.

It does?

When Reginald texted us saying

that he wanted to have
a party at the Slushy,

I thought, that's weird.

- Right?
- But now don't you see?

It's his vampire coming out party.

He didn't seem like he
was in the party mood

when I went to go see him.

Was this before or after

you stomped all over his heart?

I didn't stomp.

I was very gentle.

You asked to see his fangs,
he shows you his fangs.

And then you said, "Thanks for nothing.

Peace out forever, Nosferatu."

I'm paraphrasing.

But then he said,
"It's better this way."

Why would it be better?

Because love is a fiction created

by greeting card companies
to sell greeting cards.

He told me the truth. I got closure.

We're done.

Except, I can't shake the fact

that he's holding something back again.

Other than being a vampire,
what's left to hold back?

Hard to argue with that.

Admit it, I would make a great vampire.

- It's not gonna happen, Todd.
- Why not?

I am fit. I'm fine.

I'd make an awesome addition
to the undead community.

I mean, my organizational
skills alone could be...

You'll be stuck in place forever.

All right, ask Reggie.

And now you're shirtless.

Why in the hell wouldn't I
want to be stuck like this?

[CHUCKLES] Because you're an idiot.

Yeah, but I'm a happy idiot.

Isn't that what counts?

Come on.

If you made me a vampire,

then we could...

We could what?

This is the best version of me.

It is all downhill from here.

No matter what I do,
I'm gonna get older.

And I'll look in that mirror one day,

and I'm gonna see a
stranger looking back at me.

But not today.

Today, I'm perfect.

I'm sorry, Todd.

I can't help you.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[SIGHS]

- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- It's open.

[DOOR OPENS]

Sorry I'm late.

I got delayed.

You're stressed.

Angela f*cked us, didn't she?

We got nothing?

Oh, it's not nothing.

It's everything.

A detailed year-by-year breakdown

of every Assessment test,

including benchmarks I needed to pass,

info on all the vampire guests.

Take Logan the Crepuscular,

Deacon of the Council of the Americas,

whose hobbies include
decapitation, disemboweling...

[LAUGHS] And dancing.

Well, you should see him tango.

Next, we have the sun chamber.

What happens in the sun chamber?

I'm glad you asked.

As you can see by this
detailed rendering,

someone is chained to a post,

and, oh, they're on fire.

So basically, that's where I'll die.

Oh, but not before Logan
the Duplicitous adds in

a little light Kn*fe
t*rture because why not

make a meal of my painful death?

Hey. Look, take a breath.

Focus on the test.

You said there were benchmarks.

Historically speaking,

these are just tests
designed for me to fail.

Okay, then you need to think of a plan

not to pass, to survive.

I thought of several, but
nothing that doesn't end

in one or both of us dying.

It's like a puzzle that's
missing one huge piece.

And without it, I'm...

[NOTIFICATION CHIMES]

That's my reminder to
go set up for my party.

I should probably call
everyone and cancel.

- [SIGHS]
- Hey.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Look, Reggie, if tonight is
your last night on Earth...

if...

then you should probably
say goodbye to your friends.

♪ ♪

[DISTANT SIRENS WAIL]

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC]

Pizza and cookies?

These are a few of my favorite foods.

Nice.

♪ ♪

You like pizza?

We've got a metric ton of it.

She'll be here.

- You don't know that.
- Sure I do.

She said she had to stop
off and get something

from home first.

Told you.

You came.

Hey, I love a party.

What's in the bag?

Something I've been saving
for a special occasion.

[ELECTROACOUSTIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

I'm really gonna miss this.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Claire, we need to talk.

That's what my mom says
when I'm in trouble.

You're not in trouble.

Not any more than usual, anyway.

Very funny.

It looks like I'm gonna
be gone for a while, okay?

But I want you to know

that whatever happens,
you won't be alone.

That's ominous. Why is that so ominous?

You'd think my middle name is ominous,

but my middle name is Cynthia.

- Nikki.
- Sorry I'm late.

Nikki's gonna be here to
protect you when you need her.

She's like a fairy
godmother with a chainsaw.

[INSECTS CHIRPING]

Oh, look,

she's still here in
all her former glory.

What is it, bottom feeders?

Is that tone really necessary?

We're here on official business.

Logan the Impermeable has
requested your attendance

at tomorrow's Assessment.

He has?

As a lowly page.

What?

I am not some lackey to
be given menial tasks.

That's your job.

Ah, but you are.

And here's the paperwork to prove it.

[TENSE MUSIC]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ ♪

Reginald, what is this?

Uh, double pepperoni.

This party. Why are we all here?

Oh. Can't a guy just

see his favorite people in
one place at the same time?

There's something that
you're not telling me.

Tell me, Reginald.

Look, I don't want to lie to you,

so...

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ ♪

I haven't seen you in a while.

I took a vacation,

cracked a few skulls.

You know, me time.

But of course, when Reginald invited me,

I knew I had to come back,

but not for Reginald, for Claire.

And not just for Claire,

though more for Claire
than for Reginald.

Though not just for Claire, either.

Is this a riddle?

[INHALES DEEPLY]

A negative, my favorite.

Did you just smell my blood type?

You're a vampire.

That doesn't scare you?

Everything about you scares me.

Welcome to my world.

I think you're gonna love it here.

Could I get everyone's
attention, please?

[SIGHS]

For the last few months,
I have been a bad friend

and boyfriend

and employee,

surrogate big brother,

and last but not least, vampire.

I, uh, didn't think anyone
would want to see me anymore.

But, uh, here you are.

That's why I'm just very, uh, thankful

that you all are my friends.

[SIGHS]

And whatever tomorrow brings,

I'm glad we have tonight.

Uh, I'm sorry, sir, we're
closed for a private...

Holy sh*t, it's him.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

What are you...

Do not make eye contact.

Uh, what is happening here?

It's him.

I... it's... it's Logan the Reanimator,

the... the Deacon of the
Vampire Councils of America.

His reputation precedes him.

♪ ♪

You must be Roger.

It's Reginald, actually.

If you say so.

I thought you'd be fatter.

Thanks.

Sarah, maybe you should join the others.

I kneel for no one.

- And why is that?
- Whoa, whoa.

You're not here for her.

[CHUCKLES] How delightful.

I was hoping for a demonstration.

What?

You glamour other vampires, don't you?

Care to have a go?

Don't look at him.

This is a conversation
between you and me.

I don't glamour people anymore.

Luckily, I haven't been a
person for a very long time.

Listen to me, you're gonna
leave me and my friends alone.

As you command.

You're gonna go back to
wherever you came from

and never come to Akron again.

As you command.

Is that all?

No, it... it's not.

You're gonna decide
that I don't have to take

the Assessment and that henceforth,

I am considered a fully-fledged...

A fully-fledged what?

♪ ♪

Please, I'm far too old
for your parlor trick.

As for the Assessment,

it will go precisely as planned.

You will take the tests.

You will fail.

You and your sire will be ex*cuted.

And when it's all over,

I'll forget your name.

What the hell was that all about?

- What an assh*le.
- Yeah, he's...

What's that guy's deal?

That's Logan the, uh...

- Yeah.
- Duplicitous...

- Poor Reginald.
- Dipshit, Devious...

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, no, the Deacon
of all the vampires...

♪ ♪

Hey. [CLEARS THROAT]

Is Reginald okay?

You're gonna die.

That's what this party
is about, isn't it?

Some sort of, like, living wake.

I mean, I just got used
to you being a vampire.

I'm not sure that I'm
ready for you to die.

Everything's okay, I promise you.

I got them right where
I want them, right?

The last ace up my
kind of shortish sleeve.

You're lying.

I'm not.

Don't tell me you're not, Reginald.

Despite everything,

I still know you.

I'm so scared.

In less than hours,

no matter how hard I try or plan,

no matter how much I want to live

or... or how much I have to live for,

there's a distinct possibility
that I'm gonna be gone,

absent from all of this.

I want to be brave, but
I don't think I can be.

- How can I help?
- [LAUGHS SOFTLY]

You can't.

The vampire world is run by
a group of exclusive assholes.

Someone like me never had a chance.

So it's just like the real world then?

- I can work with that.
- You can't.

The game is rigged.

Then don't play their game.

Reg, you got to make me a vampire.

And I will not take no for an answer.

- No.
- Oh, come on.

I'd be perfect at it.

I'll blend right in. I
could be your secret w*apon.

- For what?
- You know, for whatever

Thunderdome Assessment sh*t
that suit was talking about.

I'll dress up as a janitor.

No one will suspect me.

So when you're all like,
"Oh, no, tests are so hard,"

that's when I'll surprise everyone.

It is I, Todd the
Vampire, to the rescue.

[LAUGHS]

And everyone will come at me, right?

But that's okay, because
I got my janitor broom,

and I'll break it right across my quad.

Oh, look who's got a stake now.

And that's when I'll say,

"It's time to take out the trash."

- 'Cause I'm the janitor?
- Oh, got it.

So then me and Mr. Pointy
will go all, like, kah-dusto.

[VOCALIZING] Whoo!

Yah! Hoo! Yeah, baby!

All the vampires will be
dead, and Maurice will be safe.

Don't you mean Reginald?

Yeah, sure, Reginald too.

Todd the Vampire to the rescue.

Everybody needs a catchphrase.

You know, I think you're
onto something, Todd.

Wait, what?

I'll grant your wish.

I'll turn you into a vampire.

- You will?
- Yes.

Him?

Hey!

Hey. Where are you going?

I got a date with the
final puzzle piece.

You found the missing piece?

Where? Hey, wh... what is it, Reggie?

Don't worry, I got this.