07x01 - Anti-Poof

[bunniefuu]

♪ Timmy is an average kid

♪ That no one understands

♪ Mom and dad and vicky always giving him commands ♪

Bed, twerp!

♪ The doom and gloom up in his room ♪

♪ Is broken instantly

♪ By his magic little fish who grant his every wish ♪

♪ 'Cause in reality

♪ They are his oddparents

♪ Fairly oddparents

Wands and wings.

Float-y crown-y things.

♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ Really mod, pea pod, buff bod, hot rod ♪

Obtuse, rubber goose, green moose, guava juice,

Giant snake, birthday cake, large fries, chocolate shake!

♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ It flips your lid when you are the kid ♪

♪ With fairly oddparents

Yeah, right.

I'm fairy hart for the fairy channel,

Coming to you live with this breaking news.

The citizens of fairy world are waiting

In breathless anticipation...

[Gasping]

As they're about to get the answer to the question

That's on everyone's mind.

What did baby poof buy at the mall?

[Cheering]

[Shutters click]

Oh, for crying out loud. We just came to buy diapers.

For cosmo.

I was out!

Wow.

I keep forgetting what a big celebrity poof is.

Well, he is the only fairy baby in existence.

[Coos]

[Together] aww.

Being a celebrity is great.

You get to be famous without having any skill or talent

Whatsoever!

[Shutters click]

[Whimpers]

You might want to back off, people.

When poof cries, bad things happen.

How could this adorable baby

Possibly make a bad thing happen?

Click!

[Wails]

[Screams]

[Giggles]

Timmy, wanda, and poof--

What about me?

Oh, and you too, carl.

It's great to have you visiting again.

And we want to welcome you back anytime

As long as you bring poof.

Because without him, you wouldn't be news,

And without news,

I'd have to get a real job.

For the fairy channel, I'm fairy hart

Wishing you all a fairy good night.

My name's not carl.

Zap!

Fairies.

They get all the press.

Why?

Anti-fairies have accomplished so much:

Spiders, paper cuts, pink eye, crazy cow disease.

[Cow moos]

That was all us.

Good day, my evil little crumpet.

[Burps]

If I were you, I'd slow down a bit

On those throw pillow sandwiches.

That's your third one this morning.

I can't help myself.

I got cravings!

As do i.

I crave equality.

According to this chart,

There's supposed to be an anti-fairy

For everyone fairy.

I'm anti-cosmo.

You're anti-wanda.

There's even an anti-jorgen.

I made macaroni wind chimes. Hee-hee.

[Screams]

Why, then, is there no anti-poof?

Wait a minute.

Hold the phone.

I can't.

I ate it!

Twitching stomach?

Snacking on houseware?

Anti-barf?

This can only mean one thing.

There is going to be an anti-poof.

You're going to have an anti-baby.

[Ground rumbles]

I'm so happy I could 'splode.

Boom!

[Screaming]

Guys, why is there a big scary cloud

Coming toward us?

This is bad, sport.

My motherly instincts tell me there's been

A terrible disturbance in the fairy force.

My motherly instincts tell me

That we're going to need more diapers.

Three, two, one.

Yep. We need more diapers.

[Screaming]

[Coughs]

Well? Well?

Where is it? Where is my anti-baby?

He's right over there.

The little darling.

[Ominous music]

♪

Hello, clarice.

I mean, mother.

Ooh. He said his first words.

Our baby.

I'm bored of you already.

Ow!

He's pointy.

I'm going to call him gator.

I prefer "the dark harbinger of the doom time."

Of course that name will never fit on a birthday cake.

No, silly.

You're the opposite of baby poof,

And therefore your name must be

Foop!

Hm.

That sounded much more evil in my head.

Wait a moment.

Who is this "poof" you speak of?

Am I not the only fairy baby in existence?

Well, you're the only square one.

So there is another.

[Burps]

It's story time, father.

Tell me more of my new archenemy.

I mean, this other fairy baby.

Poof is a very cute and powerful fairy baby,

Beloved throughout the universe.

And as his opposite, I will be feared and despised.

And I will not share the spotlight

With another fairy baby.

Zap!

There can be only one!

Oh, look.

His first act of unbridled rage.

Where's the camera?

Ah, you ate that too, you ninny.

Father, where is poof now?

He's in fairy world.

And that's where I shall go.

Prepare for takeoff.

Time for a play date

Of doom!

There will be no such thing, mister.

In time, we will bring fairy world to its knees

And rule the universe.

But we will do it together as a family.

I will do it alone, father.

You see, I don't play well with others.

Zap!

Well, mr. Grumpy pants.

Looks like somebody needs a nap.

Hear this and hear it good, father.

I am the boss of me, and I do not--

[Yawns]

Nap!

Ooh, his first step towards independence.

I love him so much!

Set coordinates for fairy world.

Mother, I would like to fill up for the trip.

Where is the nearest magical power source?

Ah--

Ah-bup-bup. Don't you dare tell him--

Zap!

Use that big wand, sweetie.

It contains all the power in anti-fairy world.

Thank you, mother.

Your single digit i.q. Has been a blessing to my cause.

Have a happy day, anti-fairy world.

Too happy?

[Laughs maniacally]

Oh, I've just given myself the hiccups.

[Hiccups]

[Screams]

Ooh, that little brat.

He's destroyed anti-fairy world

And turned us into care fairies.

Ah, he's so young and already so successful.

Hello, world.

There's a new sheriff in town and his name--

Unfortunately--

Is foop!

We still have no explanation of the strange event

That has just taken place,

But jorgen van strangle has arrived on the scene

And his huge fake smile suggests he knows something.

What?

I know nothing. I have no news whatsoever.

I have terrible news.

Keep this quiet.

But according to this news update I received

On my fairy berry wireless phone,

An evil anti-baby has been born

And he is on his way here at this very moment

To destroy poof.

Ah!

What's that you say?

An evil anti-fairy baby is on his way to destroy poof?

Thank for the scoop, can.

My name's carl.

You heard it here first, folks.

An evil anti-baby is coming to destroy poof.

As a responsible member of the media,

I recommend mass panic.

[Screaming]

You must leave at once with poof.

You must prepare him for a fight.

[Chanting] baby fight! Baby fight!

This is ridiculous.

Poof is too young to fight.

Relax, wanda.

How tough can this anti-baby be?

He's a newborn.

[expl*si*n]

A newborn with a supersonic baby bouncer

Fitted with a death ray!

Go!

My fake smile and I will buy you some time.

Fine, but just so you know,

We're taking poof to earth, not teaching him to fight.

There will be no safety.

Now go!

Attention, fairy world,

Reveal to me the location of the one you call baby poof.

Do so at once, or I'll give you all terrible ouchies.

Wait. That's not ominous enough.

Listen up, evil baby.

We will never tell you where poof is.

Never!

Fairy hart reporting live

Where jorgen has just refused to tell the evil anti-baby

That poof has fled to earth with timmy, wanda, and kevin.

You see. This is why I hate the media.

Who's kevin?

And I am off to earth.

But before I go,

Take this, fairy world!

Boom!

I feel weak and sad

Like there is a dark cloud hovering over my head.

[Crackling]

[Sighs]

Fairy world, feel my diaper wrath!

[Zapping]

[Laughs maniacally]

[Screams]

My beautiful tan!

Ha!

I have drained two magical worlds,

And all before naptime

Which will never--

[Yawns]

Come!

But I'm coming,

And I'm coming for you, poof,

And your father, keith, too.

[Laughs maniacally]

Joke's on him. My name's carl.

Isn't it?

[Chirps]

[Grunts nervously]

I can't believe that little monster foop

Is coming for our baby.

And poof is terrified too.

He only welds when he's nervous.

If only cosmo were here, he'd know what to do.

You're cosmo!

Oh, really?

Then why don't I know what to do?

Stay calm, guys,

And help me get this place foop proof.

Face it, wanda.

We have to get poof ready for a fight.

But how?

Since foop drained all the fairy world magic,

We only have the reserve power in our wands.

A fight? I'll be his trainer.

But first I want a hoagie.

That won't use much magic at all.

Only bigger.

With more bologna.

On pumpernickel.

With extra cheese.

No. A corndog.

Just a salad.

Back to the hoagie.

Perfect.

Um, I'm out of magic, wanda.

I'm going to need to borrow your wand for the hoagie sauce.

Shh! Poof is napping.

Good.

He's going to need all the rest he can get.

Ominous theme music?

Freshly groomed baby facial hair?

The ruins of two magical worlds in my wake?

Three, if you include burger world.

Boom!

That'll teach 'em to put baby poof toys

In their peppy meals.

Things are looking grim as foop,

The bad boy of the bassinette,

Sent rockets ever closer,

And poof, our only hope, continues to nap.

How'd they get that footage?

We're going to need all the magic we can get.

We have to wake up poof.

We're not waking the baby up

As we long as we still have the power in my wand.

Oh, no! It's gone!

[Train whistle blows]

What are you doing?

I got nervous thinking about the evil baby,

So to relax myself, I used your wand to poof up

This hoagie-powered happy train!

All aboard for happy town!

[Whistle blows]

Oops. Your wand is out of power.

And happy town is still so far away.

Only poof's rattle can get us to happy town now.

You're not touching poof's rattle.

It's the only magic we have left.

Well, the good news, we still have some time.

The bad news? I was wrong.

We have no time.

Greetings, pathetic non-magical people of earth.

For giving safe harbor to my nemesis,

I shall reward you with the plague of the most evil curses

Ever created by anti-fairies.

Paper cuts, pink eye, spiders, and crazy cow disease.

[Laughs maniacally]

[Hiccups] oh, hiccups again.

Zap!

What's all the ruckus?

Either the world is ending,

Or the dingleburgs are having another yard sale.

Why are cows always chasing me?

Ladybugs with cameras? Cows on pogo sticks?

Honey, the dingleburgs [span] are[/span]having a yard sale!

Who cares? I got pink eye.

Itchy, itchy pink eye.

Pink eye? Well, scratch it.

I can't!

I've got paper cuts. Ouchy, ouchy paper cuts.

[Screaming]

And now, baby poof,

It's time for me to rock your cradle!

[Snoring]

Poof, for crying out loud, wake up!

Foop is almost here!

And your selfish hoagie-hating mother

Used up all the magic.

There. That ought to keep foop out.

[Rumbling]

Ah!

[Moos]

I'm never drinking milk again!

Hold it right there, young man.

You're not laying a finger on my baby.

Not until you deal with big mama wanda!

Crane stance!

And...

Zap!

We're done.

And now, my goody two-shoes counterpart

With a much more masculine name,

I shall finally destroy you.

I've waited my whole life for this moment.

All hours and minutes of it!

What?

A-hem.

Poof poof!

You're cleverer, rounder, and much better rested than i,

But you're still no match for me!

Poof poof.

Ah!

A wedgie?

Round one to you, round one.

Poof poof.

Ah!

Come back and fight.

Don't be such a--

[Yawns]

Baby!

Normally I don't encourage v*olence,

But kick his little square butt, sweetie!

You want to play?

How about a little romp in the ball pit

Of doom!

Poof poof?

[Laughs maniacally]

Uh-oh.

Boom!

And now, welcome to the teeter-totter

Of terror!

Poof poof!

Poof poof!

Hm.

It's more like the teeter-totter of tedium.

Duly noted.

Moving on to my merry-go-round

Of mayhem!

Whee!

Ha! Smell the mayhem?

Chasing you around and 'round in a circular motion is so...

Soothing.

Putting me to...

Sleep.

Aha!

[Giggles]

Whee!

Wait!

You haven't played in my sandbox of sorrow.

There's a shovel of sadness and a pail of pain.

So...

Sleepy.

Perhaps some evil theme music will invigorate me.

[Pulsating dance music]

[Lullaby music]

Oh?

Ah! Nappy time tunes?

Not invigorating at all.

Where's poof?

Up there with foop.

He's running away.

I taught him everything he knows.

Poof poof.

A sleepy time mobile?

That's the best you can...

[Snores]

Curse you, unicorns!

Darn you, duckies!

I...will...not...

Nap.

Poof's not running away.

He's tiring foop out so he'll fall asleep.

Guys, we've got to help him.

Wanda can put anyone to sleep.

Wanda, quick. Start talking.

Tell us about your day!

Well, I woke up this morning.

[Snores]

Fairy hart here with breaking news.

I have pink eye.

Ah!

Attention fairies, anti-fairies,

And burger world employees.

Poof needs your help.

Come to dimmsdale right away.

Turner, we are depressed.

Yet we heard your plea

And are here to spank some baby butt.

What do you want us to do? Pummel?

Annihilate? Obliterate?

Nope. I want you to sing.

Say what now?

Poof's putting foop to sleep.

If we all sing a lullaby, we can finish the job.

[Laughs maniacally]

On the count of three, start singing a lullaby.

One, two, three.

All: ♪ go to sleep

♪ Go to sleep

♪ Close your big bloodshot eyes ♪

The universe isn't big enough for both of us.

There can be only one!

Say, "night-night," poof.

Night-night.

We did it. He's asleep.

I know he tried to destroy y'all,

But you got to admit,

He's so gosh darn cute when he's a-sleepin'.

Poof! You're safe.

Poof poof.

Foop is out cold.

He drained all our magic.

How can we erase all the damage he has done?

Foop's the opposite of poof, right?

So if he cries, maybe good things will happen.

You took my ba-ba?

I was having a sweet dream about intestinal parasites.

And you woke me up!

[Wails]

[Cheering]

The most glorious thing has happened.

The world was saved?

No. My tan is back!

[Snores] what?

I was having a weird dream about intestinal parasites.

What did I miss?

My son just defeated foop and saved us all.

He's my son. Me.

Calvin coolidge.

This is all well and good,

But what the heck are we going to do

With that little monster now?

I think I have an idea.

This is fairy hart reporting.

I no longer have pink eye.

In other news, the infamous baby foop has been sent

To abracatraz prison

And placed in the safety of a maximum security time-out.

These bars won't hold me forever, clarice.

I mean, fairy hart.

Beware, baby poof.

I'll be back for you someday soon,

So speaks-- oh, how I hate this name--

Foop!

Poof poof. [Giggles]

Who's the boss now, fuzzy?