07x13 - Manic Mom-Day/Crocker of Gold

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Timmy is an average kid

♪ That no one understands

♪ Mom and dad and vicky always giving him commands ♪

- Bed, twerp!

- ♪ The doom and gloom up in his room ♪

♪ Is broken instantly

♪ By his magic little fish who grant his every wish ♪

♪ 'Cause in reality

♪ They are his oddparents

♪ Fairly oddparents

- Wands and wings.

- Float-y crown-y things.

- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ Really mod, pea pod, buff bod, hot rod ♪

- Obtuse, rubber goose, green moose, guava juice,

Giant snake, birthday cake, large fries, chocolate shake!

- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ It flips your lid when you are the kid ♪

♪ With fairly oddparents

- Yeah, right.

- Timothy tiberius turner, hurry up.

The school bus will be here any minute.

- Timmy!

Timmy, your mom's calling you.

- Hang on; I'm about to b*at gator lady

In [span]alien hillbilly [span] death race .[/Span][/span]

[Growling crazily]

[Metal clanking]

[Drill noise]

- No!

Your middle name is tiberius?

[Tires screeching]

- Ah!

- Timmy, you look like you've been run over

By alien hillbillies.

Now, catch your breakfast.

My day is tough enough without you getting blown up.

- [Span]her[/span]day is tough? Ha!

- Aw, sport, your mother is just very busy.

It's not easy being a mom.

- Compared to my life, it sure is.

[Baby giggling]

Mom has no idea what I go through every day.

Bullies b*at me.

Teachers fail me.

It's way easier being a mom than a ten-year-old.

- Care to put your money where your mouth is?

Or are you too chicken?

[Baby giggling]

[Loud banging]

- Poof-poof!

- I'd totally bet you.

I just don't have any money 'cause I'm a kid.

- [Makes chicken noise]

- That lame attempt at a chicken noise

Is not gonna work on...

- [Making chicken noise]

- You're on!

- All right, a bet.

Timmy has to be his mom for a whole day,

And his mom has to be timmy.

Ooh! I know.

If timmy wins, wanda has to live as a chicken

For a whole week.

- I like it.

- But if timmy doesn't succeed

As mom for a whole day,

He gets no magic for a week.

- What?

- B'gawk!

- Deal!

- I just can't seem to get through to timmy.

Maybe this book on parenting written by mr. Crocker's mom

Can help me deal with him.

[Span]how to raise your child so he [span] doesn't turn out like mine.[/Span][/span]

Chapter one:

To understand your child, visualize his point of view.

I am timmy.

I am timmy.

I am timmy.

[Fanfare]

[Zapping noise]

Wow, I'm really good at visualizing.

[Chimes]

- Whoa, I'm actually mom.

I think I'll go do something totally mom-like.

I'm gonna yell at me.

Timmy!

Good morning, timmy.

- Good morning...mom.

Oh, so far, so good.

Next step:

[Horn honking]

The school bus.

Perfect, I'm off to timmy's school.

I mean, my school.

- Mom totally thinks she's me.

Awesome.

Hello, toy store.

This is timmy...'S mom.

I'd like to order a bunch of video games

Because I've recently become an adult woman.

Please charge them to my adult woman credit card.

[Fanfare]

Sweet!

Now I can kick back

And play video games all day.

- Guess again, mom.

Read your day planner.

[Papers flapping]

- Whoa, all these notes are for chores?

You got to be-- - b'gawk!

- I mean, yay, chores.

First up, clean timmy's room.

Well, that's easy.

I wish my room was clean.

- Aw, sorry, sport.

You're mom now, and she doesn't have fairies.

Too bad, huh?

- No worries, wanda.

I can totally clean my own room.

Besides, I'm not that messy, anyway.

Whoa.

[Weird throaty sound]

- Ya-a-ah!

The trash monster's got me.

Down, mr. Squiggles, down!

- Maybe you'd like to end the bet?

- Not a chance.

Staying home and cleaning as mom

Still beats being me.

And speaking of beatings,

I bet my mom's having fun on the bus.

- Turner, welcome to chez francis.

Today's specials are the broken leg of lamb

And the cracked ribs.

And for dessert...

Pound cake.

- Oh, let me guess.

You're the angry school bully.

When people are angry,

It usually means they've had a dream crushed.

Do you have a crushed dream, large gray boy?

- Well, I have always wanted to be an interpretive dancer.

- Wonderful.

Let's dance right now.

[Lush orchestral music]

- I'm blossoming.

I feel so free!

[Electronic beeping]

[Together] springtime!

All: springtime!

- There, my room is finally clean.

Time to relax with a comic book.

- No relaxing yet.

Next up in your mom's planner:

Laundry and dishes.

[Light splash]

[Weird throaty noise]

- Ah! Not again, mr. Squiggles.

I already gave you my liver.

- Cosmo, no!

[Loud clattering]

[Phone ringing]

- Hello?

- Hi, honey.

Boy, you sound a lot like timmy.

Hey, listen, I forgot my lunch,

And I'm too busy working to go out.

Man, that timmy's a good dancer.

Can you bring it to me?

- No way, I've got a lot to--

- B'gawk!

B-b-b-b'gawk!

- Ooh-hoo!

Are there chickens running around the house?

Fry me up one of those.

- Not so easy juggling all the things

A mom has to juggle, is it, sport?

- Nice try, wanda.

But I've got it all under control.

[Upbeat jazzy music]

[Dishes clattering]

- Uh-oh-oh-oh.

- See? Under control.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got to bring lunch to my loving husband.

Now please pretend I never said that.

[Loud gurgling]

[Bell ringing]

- Turner! "F"!

- Ah!

You know, mr. Crocker,

People who are hard on others

Are usually even harder on themselves.

Do you give yourself "f"s too?

- You've been reading mother's parenting book,

The one she was too busy writing to raise me.

Normally I'd give you another "f" for that,

But suddenly I want to...

Tell you about my empty childhood.

- There, there, mr. Crocker.

Why don't you dance your pain away?

[Lush orchestra music]

Springtime!

- Springtime!

[People screaming]

[Engine revving]

- Hang on.

I got to shake these coppers.

[Bell dinging]

[All shouting]

[Loud bang] we're here.

- Thanks, honey.

I want to show you my gratitude

With a big, wet, sloppy, smoochy,

European-style kiss.

- What?

[Teeth chattering]

- La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

[Buzzing noise]

[Smooching]

- I wish I had an electric eel.

- Well, you can't use magic.

But lucky for you, I always keep an electric eel

In my pocket for emergencies.

[Intense zapping noise]

[Smooch]

[Intense zapping and shouting]

- Deh!

After all these years,

We still have that spark.

Kiss me again! Kiss me again!

[Tires screeching]

[People screaming]

[Loud crash]

- I sure hope my mom is having

As bad a day as me.

- Don't even waste a greeting, timmy turner.

I'm never going to talk to--

- Ooh, I love your shoes.

- You do?

- Ooh, and your dress

Really brings out your eyes.

- Wow, tell me what else you love about me.

- Only if I can braid your gorgeous hair.

- Timmy turner,

You're wonderful.

[Tinkling sound]

[Together] springtime!

[Together] springtime!

- Ugh, why are we at the mall?

- It's time for bargain hunting, sport.

- Clothes shopping?

But that's boring.

- Not the way your mom does it.

[Rock music]

When the whistle blows,

Run for the sales bins.

- And watch out for mrs. Hemple.

She's a biter.

- [Growling angrily]

[Whistle blows]

[Engines revving]

[Tires screeching]

- Go for the bargains, timmy.

Slacks at three o'clock.

- Ah!

- [Cackling]

- Ugh.

- Go for new underwear, timmy.

[Women shouting]

- Got 'em!

- Those are socks.

- Close enough.

[Tires screeching]

Now hurry to the checkout.

[Metal clanking]

- Ah!

- [Growling]

Ah!

Wha-oh! Ugh!

[Booming expl*si*n]

[Explosions]

- Wha-hoo!

[Loud crash]

[Together] springtime!

- That timmy turner is the greatest kid

I've ever known.

B-minus!

- Ready to admit your mom has it tougher than you?

- No way.

This day may have been crazy,

But I kept it all under control.

I'm an awesome mom.

[expl*si*n]

Oh, no, the washing machine must have overflowed.

The house is ruined.

- Ooh.

- Being a mom is a total pain in the neck.

Wanda, I was wr--

Wrrrr--egh.

- Cluck-cluck, chicken boy.

- I was wrong.

You win.

Go ahead.

Take a way your magic for a week.

- Aw, timmy.

I'm not gonna take away my magic.

I just wanted you to learn about how hard it is

Being a mom.

- Well, I did, but I bet my mom

Had a pretty tough time being me too.

[Horn honking]

Uh, hi, timmy.

How was your day?

- Well, mom...

I spent my day dancing and singing.

I braided trixie's hair

And got a b-minus from mr. Crocker.

- Gee, that sounds great.

- Are you kidding?

It was terrible.

Those people are bananas.

[Together] springtime!

- Well, now I understand timmy perfectly.

He's so well-adjusted compared to those other kids,

And that means I'm a great parent.

I'm going to close my eyes again,

And when I open them,

I'll stop pretending to be timmy.

I'm mom again.

I'm mom again.

I'm mom again.

[Chimes]

[Zapping noise]

Hey!

What happened to the house?

- I'll help you clean it up, mom.

- Oh, that's sweet, timmy.

But I've got it under control.

Mom powers, activate.

Shape of a cleaning tornado.

[Whirling whistle noise]

- Wow, you're, like, magic.

- Oh, that's what being a mom is all about.

- Hi, honey, I'm home.

How about another disturbing european-style kiss?

[Smooching and blabbering]

- Want to borrow the eel?

- I've done well with you, timmy.

- Deh! There's that spark.

Europe hurts my lips.

- Ha-ha!

My new invention will rearrange my molecules

And beam me directly to...

Fairy world!

The prime hunting ground...

For fairies!

[Zapping noise]

- Oh, denzel, what's become of you?

- Isn't it obvious?

I'm a hideous goo monster.

- I'm talking about your life.

You're nothing but a crackpot

Who wastes all his time chasing fairies.

- Ooh! Ow!

Ow! My eye!

[Shouting]

[Buzzing]

[Zapping noise]

Freeze, you crazy witch!

[Zapping noise]

Ah!

[expl*si*n]

Oh, maybe the frozen old kook's right.

My obsession with... Fairies!

Has yielded nothing but disaster.

There's only one sane thing to do:

Find another crazy obsession.

Let's go to the wheel of destiny.

One spin away from a whole new life.

Maybe I should sh**t for something

A little more realistic.

Come on, unicorns!

Leprechauns?

That's it!

Not only are they magical creatures,

But they can't fly, so they'll be easier

To catch than... Fairies!

Plus they have pots of gold, which I can use to buy stuff.

Ugh!

Like a better wheel of destiny.

According to leprechapedia, leprechauns live in ireland.

Since I can't afford to go there on a teacher's salary,

I'll have to settle for little ireland

In downtown dimmsdale.

To the unsuspecting van!

[Engine grinding]

To the unsuspecting jumper cables!

[Bagpipe music]

♪

- Cosmo, what are we doing in little ireland?

I said, "I wish," not "i-rish."

- Ooh, but can we stay?

They're celebrating my favorite holiday,

Leprechanuka.

- Cosmo, there's no such thing as leprechanuka.

- Don't listen to her, timmy.

On the eighth day of leprechanuka,

The great potato rises out of the four-leaf clover field

With chocolate coins and potato dreidels for everyone.

- Oh, little ireland.

Everything is so green here,

Even the stoplights.

[Chaotic crashing noises]

Well, time to set up my state-of-the-art

Leprechaun trap.

Now for the bait.

No leprechaun can resist mother's irish stew.

[Dreamy chime sounds]

- Then the great potato looks in the mirror

To see if he's the fairest potato of them all.

If he's not, he gives the hotter-looking potato

A poison apple.

- Uh, leprechanuka sounds kind of lame, cosmo.

- What if I told you leprechanuka

Was a school holiday?

- I love leprechanuka.

- Mm.

I smell stew.

Either that or it's the great potato's aftershave.

[Snapping sound]

- Gah!

- Eureka! I captured a leprechaun!

Wait, maybe I should say something more irish.

Shiver me timbers!

- Gah! - You're mine, leprechaun.

Now, give me my pot of gold.

- I don't have one.

But I do have a story about how the great potato

Once stopped a wolf from blowing down a house

Made of string fries.

- Look, the rule is, if you catch a leprechaun,

He has to give you his gold.

So fork it over!

- Well, if that's the rule.

- Mission accomplished.

Now that I have your gold,

Take a hike, mcmoron.

- Cosmo, where were you?

You missed the potato-sculpting contest.

- Poof won first prize with his battle of gettysburg.

- Poof-poof!

[Booming splat]

- Sorry, but I got captured by mr. Crocker,

Who thought I was a leprechaun,

And made me give him a pot of gold.

Ooh!

Potato soldiers.

- Oh. What?

Cosmo, fairies aren't allowed to poof off money.

Where'd you get a pot of gold?

- From some leprechauns. Duh.

- Which ones?

Some of them can be really dangerous.

- Ha-ha, come on.

Aren't they all just harmless little green twerps

Who sell soap on tv?

Ugh!

- Oh, no!

It's the mcpunchy brothers--

Lucky, greeny, and big dave,

The toughest, meanest leprechauns ever.

- Whoa, they're not just leprechauns.

They're lepre-convicts.

- That's right, bucko.

They sent us to jail 'cause of the terrible things

We did to the last thief who took our gold.

- And we busted out 'cause our gold's been stolen again,

By a wee-brained laddie named cosmo-oo.

- How do you know it was it cosmo-oo?

- He left a note.

- You left a note?

- It's called manners, wanda. Look it up.

- They're fairies.

Grab their wands.

- Now, give us back our pot of gold.

- He doesn't have it anymore.

A guy named mr. Crocker has it.

And I can take you to him.

- Lucky, greeny,

Take the pink-haired lass and the wee one

Back to ireland for safe keeping.

I'll go with the bucktoothed lad and his friend

To see this mr. Crocker, eya-er-ergh.

- Save us, cosmo.

- No-ho-ho-ho-ho!

No-ho-ho, timmy,

We got to get poof and wanda back.

She has to pay for lunch.

- Don't worry, cosmo.

We just have to get that gold from mr. Crocker

Before he spends any of it.

- I've spent all of it!

Now to load this stuff

Into my new tricked-out talking car.

This is the best day ever,

Taking car that obeys my every command.

Make me a milkshake.

- Activating airbags.

- What? Gah!

Guh!

Turner?

What are you doing with my leprechaun?

He's cleaned out, just so you know.

- Mr. Crocker, you've got to give back that gold.

- Who's gonna make me?

You and your wimpy little leprechaun?

[Laughing] [heavy stomping]

- Guess again, laddie.

- Ah!

Time for a quick getaway, talking car.

- Making getaway now.

- I meant with me!

Bring back my stuff.

Ah!

- You've got till the end of leprechanuka

To get me pot of gold back.

- Wait, leprechanuka's a real holiday?

- Of course it's real.

And it ends when the last bit of irish stew

Drips through this hourglass.

[Mumbling indistinctly]

Just get me pot of gold.

Until you do,

I'll be taking this wheel of destiny

As collateral...le-la-le-le-uh.

[Engine revving]

- Please, not my wheel of destiny.

Take the ruby toilet instead.

- We got to get the mcpunchy brothers

Another pot of gold.

- Have no fear.

I have a plan...ne-nesh-he-ne.

[Rousing orchestral music]

♪

- All we need are three perfect tens,

And we'll win the gold medal.

- Ten.

- Ten

- "F"!

Sorry, force of habit.

We'll just mine our own gold.

- Okay, but be on the lookout for eight fairytale dwarves.

- I thought there were only seven.

- No, everyone always forgets the eighth dwarf, crazy.

[Dwarves shouting]

- Dah!

- [Laughing crazily]

- Ah!

- Note to self:

Take dwarves off the wheel of destiny.

- Gah! Oh-ho, no!

- Ah!

[Descending whistle]

- Well, laddies,

I still don't have that mcpunchy family pot of gold,

Which means you're all getting boiled like a cabbage--ag-argh.

- I got to get out of here.

Talking car, come and get me.

- Hop in.

- Gah!

[Engine revving]

- Come on, cosmo,

He'll lead us to wanda and poof.

Who knows what horrible irish t*rture

They're being put through?

[Upbeat instrumental music]

- [Exclaiming throatily]

Oh, I love ireland, poof.

There's all the marshmallow cereal you can eat,

And deodorant soap grows on trees.

[Rock music]

- Lucky, greeny,

Fire up the cabbage boiler... [Grumbling]

- I would if I could find it.

But it's green like everything else around here.

[Jubilant fanfare]

[Loud thud]

- Cosmo! - Dadda!

- Fairies?

And just when I'd given up chasing them.

That's so not fair.

- I really missed you guys.

- We missed you too, cosmo.

Now let's get out of here before the mcpunchys come to.

- You're a wee bit too late, lassie.

- Ah!

- Dah!

[Loud snap]

- Don't worry, guys.

Boiling people on leprechanuka is a big no-no.

The great potato will never let this happen.

- Cosmo, once and for all,

There's no such thing as the great potato.

[Heavy rumbling]

- Happy leprechanuka, everybody.

And stop boiling those people at once.

- [Together] saints alive.

It's the great potato.

- No way. He's real?

- Isn't he awesome, timmy?

Except at midnight he turns back into a pumpkin.

- Hear me, mcpunchy brothers.

Free cosmo and his friends at once,

Or suffer my starchy wrath.

- Eeh!

Right away, great potato.

Lucky, greeny, untie them.

And give the fairies back their wands.

- Wait a minute.

Even the stupid leprechaun was a...

Fairy?

That's even more so not fair.

- Thanks, great potato.

Well, I guess we'll be heading back home.

Sorry about your gold.

- It wasn't the gold we cared about, lad.

We just wanted the pot back.

- It's a mcpunchy family heirloom.

- He's still got the pot.

It's in my trunk.

- Don't tell them that.

I was gonna use it as a planter.

[Beep]

Curse you, stupid talking car.

Ha!

Ugh! Dah!

- Now let's go home.

- Take us to dimmsdale, talking car.

- Activating ejector seat.

Ah!

[Screaming]

Ugh!

Well, the leprechaun thing was a total bust.

So it's back to the wheel of destiny.

Dwarves? No way!

I'm not going back to crazy.

- You're already there, you numbskull.

- Oh, just my luck.

Mother's vocal cords have thawed out.

Fairies!

Looks like we have a winner!

- You crackpot!

Eeh! Help, talking car.

Get me out of here.

Ah! Guh-geh.

Well, at least it's good to have friends.

[Descending whistle]

- Happy leprechanuka, everybody.