08x01 - Love Triangle

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Timmy is an average kid

♪ That no one understands

♪ Mom and dad and vicky always giving him commands ♪

- Bed, twerp!

- ♪ The doom and gloom up in his room ♪

♪ Is broken instantly

♪ By his magic little fish who grant his every wish ♪

♪ 'Cause in reality

♪ They are his oddparents

♪ Fairly oddparents

- Wands and wings.

- Float-y crown-y things.

- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ Really mod, pea pod, buff bod, hot rod ♪

- Obtuse, rubber goose, green moose, guava juice,

Giant snake, birthday cake, large fries, chocolate shake!

- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ It flips your lid when you are the kid ♪

♪ With fairly oddparents

- Yeah, right.

- Okay, people, time for rehearsal!

Places, everyone!

- Cosmo, why are you doing this?

You know poof doesn't want to be in a school play.

- Of course he does!

Mister cookie's happy day! Is the greatest

Nursery school play ever,

Not to mention the very show in which I myself rose to stardom.

- You played a table.

- Not just any table, wanda,

The pivotal role of table number three,

Which timmy will be performing for our little rehearsal.

You're on, timmy!

Okay, you're a table.

Make me believe it.

- There's gum under here.

- Stick with the script!

That was table number two's line.

Enter mister cookie.

- Poof-poof.

- Well, he sounded a little like a graham cr*cker,

But otherwise, you were perfect.

Okay, let's do it again,

And, timmy, this time, let's try it with acting.

And, script girl, get me some coffee!

[Grunts]

- Cosmo, you seem to care about this role more than poof does.

- That's because poof has talent.

He could be a star.

Not just any poof could be a star.

- Oh, timmy, I'm going to be a star.

[Both scream]

- Huh? Where are you?

- Right here, dad.

- Mmm, you sound like a graham cr*cker.

Anyway, check me out.

I'm gonna gonna be in the annual skit

At the pencil nexus company retreat.

I landed the role of pencil number two.

I just hope my performance isn't wooden.

[Laughs]

Get it? "Wooden."

- I get it, dad.

- Well, I'm off to sharpenmy acting skills.

Get it? "Sharpen."

Ooh, I should write these down.

If only I had a pencil.

[Horn honks]

- There's the bus, sweetie.

Have a good day a school,

And good luck with the auditions.

Poof!

- There he goes, the future mister cookie.

He's so excited.

And where's my coffee?

- [Grunts]

- Okay, children, later today,

We'll be holding auditions for this year's play.

[Lighting zapping]

All right, who threw that?

- [Maniacal laughter]

- Foop?

- It wasn't me.

It was... Sammy sweetsparkle.

- [Crying]

- Although, for the record, if I had thrown a lighting bolt,

It would have been done in protest

Over being asked to participate

In this candy-coated farce you call theater.

- Oh, it's not a farce, foop.

It's the touching story of a heroic cookie

Who rescues a princess.

- Is she kidding?

That's the lamest thing I've ever heard.

- Poof-poof.

- What do you know? We actually agree on something.

This could be the beginning of a new kinship between us,

A bond forged through time that's stronger than steel.

- Poof-poof! - Exactly.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

We'll be friends forever.

High four!

- Now, children, I'd like you all to welcome

A brand-new student to spellementary school,

Goldie goldenglow.

- Hi there, y'all.

- Friendship over. I saw her first.

Zap!

- Poof-poof!

- Don't even think about it.

Before the first school bell rings,

That vision of beauty will be mine.

- Really?

'Cause I was gonna ask her to sit with me at snack time.

- Splendid idea, sammy.

Made you should ask her for a snack on jupiter.

Poof!

- [Screams]

[All giggling]

[Both grunting]

- [Screams] you will pay!

- [Clears throat]

Poof-poof?

- Oh, please.

That's the oldest pickup line in the book.

Watch the master at work.

Zap!

Poof!

Hello, beautiful.

You must be ccs of potassium chloride,

Because you just made my heart stop.

- Oh. Oh, spiders.

How, uh, original?

- [Chomps]

And they're the more expensive poisonous kind.

- Thank you both so much for the...gifts.

[Both grunting]

[Bell ringing]

[Indistinct speech]

- Goldie, may I carry your books?

- Wow, that's awfully kind of you, floop.

- Actually, it's "foop."

- Poof-poof?

- You can't carry her books, poof.

Your arms are already full...

With that piano!

Crash!

- [Grunts]

[Grunts]

- Thank you, poof, and you too, fluke.

- It's "foop."

[Both grunting]

- Welcome, children, to the auditions

For mister cookie's happy day!

- Not interested, broomhilda.

[Flames whooshing]

No one cares about your insipid sideshow!

[Gasps] [expl*si*n]

- Okay, let's begin.

Mister cookie will be reading opposite princess sunshine,

Who will be portrayed by goldie goldenglow.

- Say what now? - Poof-poof?

- Wait a minute, doesn't mister cookie

Get a kiss from the princess at the end of the play?

- Why, yes, foop.

He does, but since you're not interested,

I'm sure sammy sweetsparkle will be happy to play the part.

Has anyone seen him?

- [Laughing] - [screaming]

- As sure as there's a glog monster on jupiter,

That role will be mine!

- Poof-poof! - Those are fighting words!

Choose your w*apon, swine!

- Boys, boys, there's no need to fight.

We will decide who will play mister cookie

The old-fashioned way, with auditions.

- To the death?

- No, the normal way, and no weapons.

- Fine, then I'll defeat him

With the most dangerous w*apon in my arsenal, my talent.

- Okay, foop, let's see what you've got.

- Right.

I'll be going a bit off-script here.

You know, improv a few scenes and make them my own.

[Clears throat]

[Inhales, exhales deeply]

Hello, gumdrop children.

My name is mister cookie...

Bringer of doom!

[expl*si*n]

You've drawn your last breath, larry the lollipop.

[expl*si*n]

My skeleton army shall render your candy kingdom asunder!

And now, princess sunshine,

Let us delight in the agony of others

From the garden patio atop our tower of bones!

And...scene.

- [Moans]

- Ha! Top that, you purple poser.

[Maniacal laughter]

- [Clears throat]

Poof-poof.

[Cheers and applause]

- Well, I think we've found our mister cookie.

Congratulations, poof.

- This is madness!

I deserve that role!

- Don't fret, foop. We'll find a part for you.

Let's see, the lords of licorice

Are being played by the hex brothers.

Oh, here's the perfect part...

Table number three.

- [Growling]

But I should be playing mister cookie.

I'm more handsome and talented than poof.

I can speak in real words.

This is so unfair. Cry, cry, weeping sounds.

- Now that's good acting.

How about if, in addition to playing table number three,

You become poof's understudy?

- Understudy?

So if I were to do something horrible to poof--

I mean, if something horrible were to happen to poof,

Then I would get the role of mister cookie

And the kiss from the princess?

- Yes, but for now, just focus on acting like a table.

You sounded a little like a graham cr*cker.

- This is all too easy.

Beware, poof.

Table number three's coming,

And you have a reservation with doom!

[Maniacal laughter]

[Gasps]

There's gum under here.

- All right, children, let's begin rehearsals.

- Good morning, mister cookie.

It's such a gloomy day.

Can you part these clouds so I can shine even brighter today?

- Poof-poof.

- Oh, goldie, poof, that was brilliant.

- [Maniacal laughter]

- Foop, please get off the stage,

And take your sack of cobras with you.

[Snakes hissing]

- [Screams]

You will all pay!

[Screams]

So much for operation sack of cobras.

Luckily, mother packed antivenom in my lunch

Along with my chicken nuggets.

[Gulping]

You may still be mister cookie, poof,

But it shall be I who brings down the house.

[Maniacal laughter]

[Grunting]

[Snakes hissing]

[Screams]

All: ♪ we turn our frowns

♪ Upside down

- ♪ Poof-poof

All: ♪ when mister cookie comes to town ♪

- Poof-poof!

- Ugh, this song is sickening.

Wait, that's it.

I don't have to annihilate poof.

I just have to make him sick.

[Engine sputtering]

- Package for table number three.

- Thank you, my good man.

I'm a little short on cash.

There will be no gratuity.

Poof!

Ah-ha!

- [Moaning]

[Coughing]

- An infected gnome.

You really can get anything on the internet.

As they say in the theater,

The plague's the thing.

[Grunts]

- [Sneezes]

- Gesundheit.

Fortunately for me, I have a very strong immune system.

[Monitor beeping]

[Inhaling sharply]

[Sneezes]

Well-played, poof.

[Sneezes]

You may have upstaged me with a bout of gnome-monia for now,

But soon it will be curtains for you.

[Lighting crashing]

With a little rewriting,

I shall turn the tables on mister cookie.

[Sneezes]

Crash!

In my new version, poof shall endure countless tortures,

And the real hero of the play will be me.

Poof, brace yourself for my new literary masterpiece,

Mr. Cookie crumbles.

[Maniacal laughter]

[Sneezes]

- Here's your breakfast, timmy.

I've got to go sharpen your father

Before he leaves for the pencil nexus retreat.

- Poof, I think it's awesome you got the lead in the school play.

I can't wait to see the show tonight.

- You'll be the cutest mister cookie ever, sweetie.

- And he couldn't have done it

Without all the obsessive parental pressure I put on him.

Still waiting for that coffee!

Poof!

[Horn honks]

- There's the school bus.

- [Laughs]

- There's my bus.

I'm off to the big corporate retreat.

I better run my lines one more time.

Fancy computers are just a fad.

[Moans]

Forgetting my lines makes me mad.

Hey, great costumes, everyone.

Cindy, is that you?

- I'm a troll.

- I know, but you have inner beauty.

[Engine blasting]

[Brakes screeching]

Ooh, pencil nexus went all out this year.

First the floating bus, and now this hotel in the clouds.

I better find pete from accounting.

He's playing the blue notepad to my pencil.

We have to rehearse that part where I write on his face.

[Horn honking]

- [Screams]

- Ah, the theater.

This is the theater, right?

Last time I was here, I was under a table,

So it's hard to tell.

- Boy, I sure hope poof isn't nervous.

- Ah, relax, wanda.

I'm sure all the kids are getting a pep talk right now.

- Listen up, you morons...

And goldie.

Ms. Powers will be unable to attend tonight's performance,

Because she's found herself somewhat incapacitated.

- Well, I know someone who's got detention.

- And as you can see by this note which was written

Of her own free will, I am now in charge.

- That says, "help! Help!"

- Congratulations. You can read.

I wonder if you can read upside down?

Zap!

- Oh, hello, leonard.

- Ms. Powers instructed me to hand out

These brand-new pages of the play.

It's basically the same except for the new dialogue,

Different sets, prerecorded narration,

And high-tech special effects.

- Why, thank you, fooch.

It's foop. Okay, places.

Break a leg, poof...

Or neck...or spine.

[Maniacal laughter]

[expl*si*n]

- [Maniacal laughter]

- Uh-oh.

Poof!

[Coughing]

- Poof, what's wrong? Are you under the weather?

- [Moaning]

Poof-poof?

- What's that? You've got gnome-monia?

You're too sick to play mister cookie

And need your understudy to take over?

Poof!

Poof!

Looks like you're my leading man, fluke.

- [Grunts]

Yes, I'm the star of the show now.

I knew my plan would work.

I'm a genius!

Oh, no. I'm an idiot.

All the horrors I've written for mister cookie

Shall now befall me.

Stop the show! Stop!

[Cheers and applause]

- Ms. Powers and her class are proud to present

Mister cookie's happy day!

I mean mr. Cookie crumbles.

Thank you. Enjoy the show.

- It was the end of days.

Civilization had fallen. Anarchy ruled.

- [Screams]

- Out of the apocalyptic wasteland

Stepped one lone figure.

[Dogs barking]

A stupid, round, purple thing who was really dumb.

He thought he was a hero, but what he was was doomed!

- [Screaming]

[Screams]

- Boy, this is really different than I remember.

- Hey, I thought poof was playing mister cookie.

- Well, that's showbiz.

One minute, you're the star.

The next minute, you're married to some pink-haired lady

Who won't get you coffee.

More coffee, woman!

- Mister cookie's quest was to free the princess,

But this would not be easy,

For the land was fraught with horrors,

And he was a big stupid-head.

- All right, foop, just avoid all the booby traps

You set when you thought poof was playing mister cookie.

It shouldn't be a problem.

- Fire rained from above.

- [Screams]

That's a problem.

- Swarms of living buzz saws swooped down

From the blackened skies.

- [Screams]

[Metal scraping]

I remember liking that when I wrote it.

- And sharks with the bodies of horses

Rode in across the horizon and ate him.

- [Screams]

[Hooves galloping]

- This is the most awesome play ever.

- Blacked out there for a moment.

Please tell me the play is over.

- And that was just the beginning.

- [Moans]

- [Laughing]

Poof-poof!

- What? I thought you had gnome-monia.

You're a better actor than I thought.

Well, why don't you try your acting skills on jupiter?

Poof!

- [Growling] - [moaning]

Poof!

- [Screaming]

- [Roaring]

- [Moaning]

- [Laughs]

[Both screaming]

- [Roaring]

- Then mister cookie saw the castle

Of the cookie-eating monster wherein lay the object

Of his quest, princess sunshine.

- Help, y'all. Help.

Mister cookie, only you can defeat the lords of licorice.

- [Roaring]

- I mean, the giant flaming cyclops with crab hands.

Oh, dear.

- [Roaring]

- [Screams]

- [Roaring]

[Laughs]

- Sweet home alabama! You're on your own, princess.

[Grunts]

- Hey, pete. Great blue notepad costume.

Get ready for me to write on your face.

- Who are you, and what are you doing in my show?

- [Growling]

- Boy, pencil nexus really pulled out all the stops.

That flaming cyclops is way better than last year's.

- Hey, what's my dad doing on stage?

- Beats me.

The big pencil doesn't come in till act four.

- [Roars]

Zap!

[Growling]

[All screaming]

- Eh, cyclops goes berserk. That's my cue.

Hi, everybody.

I'm here to say fancy computers are just a fad.

They'll never replace the pencil and the pad.

- [Grunting]

- Nailed it!

Ooh, I'm probably the greatest actor ever.

- [Grunting]

- [Screaming]

- [Grunting]

- This is one weird play.

Both: help! Help!

- Help! Help!

[Screams]

- [Laughs]

- Poof-poof.

- [Groans] - whee!

- [Laughs]

Zap!

- [Whimpering]

Poof!

- All seemed lost for the dim-witted mister cookie.

- What have I done? - What have you done, flop?

- It's "foop," you triangular twit!

One "f," two "o"s, one "p."

It's not that difficult!

- Just then, an impossibly handsome warrior

Rode over the horizon,

Bathing the wasteland in his heroic glow.

Mister cookie was about to be rescued by table number three!

- Ah.

- Look, it's poof! He's playing table number three.

- Wow, they really beefed up the role.

All I did was hold a flower pot on my head.

- Table number three slew the monster with his charm.

- [Moaning]

- Slaughtered it with his handsomeness.

- [Whimpering]

- And smote it with his smile.

- [Screaming]

[Both screaming]

- [Screams]

[Cheers and applause]

- Ah, thank you, table number three.

You're the bravest piece of dining furniture I've ever seen.

For rescuing me, I will now bestow upon you

The kiss of princess sunshine.

- No!

That's supposed to be my kiss!

- You've done just about enough damage for one day, young man.

- This never happened to shakespeare.

- And with that,

Princess sunshine bestowed her kiss on table number three.

[Lips smack]

- [Cheering]

All: aw.

- [Laughs]

- Together, table number three and princess sunshine

Lived happily ever after.

[Cheers and applause]

- You were wonderful, sweetie. I'm so proud of you.

- Me too, poof, and look,

The fairy timesalready gave you a rave review.

- Cosmo, that's the menu from the school cafeteria.

- Oh, then I have even better news.

You're having meat loaf on friday.

- Well, well, look who's here.

Michelle from payroll.

Your beaver costume looks a lot like my son.

- Poof, thank you for saving me from floon's horrible play.

- It's "foop!" - You're a real hero.

- Poof-poof?

- Oh, I would love to get ice cream with you.

- [Maniacal laughter]

[Snakes hissing]

[Screaming]

Pain!

- Sorry, fluke.

[expl*si*n]

- It's "foop!"