09x17 - Jerk of All Trades/Snack att*ck

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Fairly OddParents". Aired: March 30, 2001 – July 26, 2017.*
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Series follows the adventures of Timmy Turner, a 10-year-old boy with two fairy godparents named Cosmo and Wanda who grant him wishes to solve his everyday problems.
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09x17 - Jerk of All Trades/Snack att*ck

Post by bunniefuu »

- ♪ Timmy is an average kid

♪ That no one understands

♪ Mom and dad and vicky always giving him commands ♪

- Bed, twerp!

- ♪ The doom and gloom up in his room ♪

♪ Is broken instantly

♪ By his magic little fish who grant his every wish ♪

♪ 'Cause in reality

♪ They are his oddparents

♪ Fairly oddparents

- Wands and wings.

- Float-y crown-y things.

- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ Really mod, pea pod, buff bod, hot rod ♪

- Obtuse, rubber goose, green moose, guava juice,

Giant snake, birthday cake, large fries, chocolate shake!

- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ It flips your lid when you are the kid ♪

♪ With fairly oddparents

- Yeah, right.

- Oh, cosmo, you left the ice cream out last night,

And now it's all melted.

- That's weird.

Then what did I put away in the freezer?

Oh, right.

Wanda.

Boy, will she be mad at me

When she thaws out in to hours.

[Ice cream truck jingling all around the mulberry bush]

- Yes! I can finally get some ice cream.

All I need is ¢ for a cone.

But I don't have any money.

Well, there's always change in the couch.

- You snooze, you lose, loser.

This couch money is mine!

[Yelling]

Give me whatever I can get

With a canadian nickel and two buttons.

- Being broke stinks.

I wish for a money tree

So I can buy all the ice cream I want.

- I don't know, timmy.

I think wishing for money may be forbidden.

I may have to check the rules.

- Go ahead.

I happen to have a copy of the rules right here.

- Wait a minute.

This looks like a cookbook.

- Why do you say that?

- 'Cause the title is

Lack toast intolerant: gluten free breakfasts.

- Uh, that's just how you say "the rules" in swedish.

- I knew that.

I was just playing dumb.

It's the only game I ever win.

- Cool, a money tree.

Now I have enough change to buy ice cream

Or my own island.

- Darn it.

I only had enough money

For a handful of hot fudge.

It burns, timmy!

Whoa.

Who says money doesn't grow on trees?

I'm rich!

Look, timmy!

I'm raking it in.

I'd rake harder, but my hand is b*rned.

[Both slurping happily]

- [Sobbing]

- Hey, jorgen.

Shouldn't you be at work?

- Only people who have jobs can go to work.

I was fired, thanks to you.

- What?

How is that myfault?

- You violated the rules

With your money tree wish,

And I didn't catch it in time!

The fairy council took away my job,

My wand, and my corporate housing.

At least they didn't take my corporate coffee mug.

Hot coffee!

It burns!

- It's time for dinner, timmy.

Oh, hello.

Who's your beefy buddy?

- This is jorgen.

He's our, uh, new interior decorator.

I won a decorator

For selling the most squirrely scout cookies.

- You're a decorator?

Oh, I've always wanted this house

To have more of an open-air feeling.

- You got it, toots.

Now, where is your burn cream?

- [High-pitched scream]

- Oh, this hole needs curtains.

I'll go buy them

With this basket of wallets I picked.

- What am I going to do, turner?

I loved my job.

It involved everything I was good at--

Barking orders,

Standing dramatically over people

And unleashing fits of uncontrollable anger.

- Well, I feel bad for getting you fired, jorgen.

I'll help you look for a new job.

- Yeah, and in the meantime, you can stay in our fishbowl.

- Thanks, guys.

It's great to know you are there for me

After you ruined my life.

What?

The logical thing for me

Is to be a mussel.

[Yells, grunts]

- Boy, wanda's gonna be so angry

When she defrosts.

- [Yells]

[Raccoons chattering angrily]

Get away from my money tree, raccoons,

And stop pelting me with my own loose change!

- Hey, turner.

You must have some pretty rich soil

To grow such an impressive tree.

You mind if I perch this nest of orphaned baby birds

I rescued in there?

- Are you crazy?

This isn't a bird hotel.

It's a money tree!

Perch your dinklebirds somewhere else.

- Okeydokey, neighbor.

[Raccoons chattering angrily]

Ow!

[Yells]

- Okay, jorgen.

I think I found you the perfect job.

You're gonna like being a personal trainer.

- I am kind of digging

That people pay me to yell at them.

- [Exhales, winces]

[Whistle blaring]

- Denzel crocker,

I'm going to whip you into shape.

Any shape is better than the one you're in.

- Anything to impress the ladies--

Or at least get them to stop pointing and giggling.

- Oh, please.

I'm a personal trainer, not a magician.

Now let's get you ripped!

- [Grunts]

We definitely ripped something.

- You're welcome.

Pay at the desk.

- You're fired!

- Okay, jorgen.

You've got a new job.

Let's hope it goes better than the last one.

- It is not my fault mr. Crocker sued the gym for $ million.

- Who needs a spine?

I'm rich.

[Yelps] oh, not fair!

- Don't worry, turner.

I have got this usher thing down.

Hello.

Oh, you will love this movie.

The butler did it.

You'll never see it coming.

I saw it coming,

But you don't look too bright.

- I'm never coming here again.

- You're fired!

- [Sobbing]

- Oh, boohoo.

You lost a soccer game.

I lost my job

And had to become a school counselor

To ninnies like you!

Man up, susie!

- [Sobbing]

- You're fired.

- It's the perfect plan.

[Electricity crackling]

- Those money-grubbing raccoons

Won't be able to get past my new security system.

[Stomach rumbling]

I'm so hungry.

I've been guarding my money tree for so long, I forgot to eat.

Oh, a hot dog that looks a lot

Like the bait I left for the raccoons!

[Jittery yelling]

[Raccoons chattering]

Curse you, raccoons!

You'd better not come back for gas money.

Ooh, a hot dog.

[Jittery yelling]

[Both munching happily]

- Wanda, you're thawed out!

Oh, you don't know how happy I am.

Now I can finally change the channel.

- [Angry mumbling]

- Oh, wanda, why so blue?

Well, I guess it's 'cause you were frozen.

Now can you move out of the way?

You're defrosting all over the pepperoni.

- Jorgen, why is the driveway broken?

- You told me to pound the pavement,

So I did.

- "Pound the pavement" means "look for a job."

- I don't want another job.

I want my old one back.

But there's no hope of that now,

Because the fairy council has already replaced me.

- Say what?

With who?

[Twinkling, magical music]

[Trumpeting fanfare]

- I wish whitney was in love with me.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

Wishing for love is against the rules.

Reject!

- [Grunts]

- Your wish for amor is no more, amigo.

So says the handsome juandissimo,

Keeper of the rules.

- You were replaced with juandissimo?

This is great!

- You think it is great?

You're making me want to decorate again.

- No, I mean I've got an idea.

Juandissimo has always had a crush on wanda.

If we can distract him,

We can sneak in some illegal wishes

And make the council think juandissimo

Is worse at the job than you are.

- Okay.

But if you think I'm not serious about the decorating,

You're wrong!

- Wanda, will you help us?

- I'm sorry, sport.

I don't feel comfortable with this plan.

It looks like jorgen's

Just gonna have to live here forever.

- By the way, wanda,

I used your toothbrush to clean the gunk from my boots.

- Okay, I'm in.

- This is me guarding the rules.

This is me guarding the rules

In various tight-fitting outfits.

I could admire my hot latin looks all day,

But I must focus on my job.

- Buenos nachos!

- You just said, "good nachos."

Oh, wanda!

My beauty queen!

[Sniffing]

You smell so delicioso.

- It's eau de taco,

Your favorite, if I recall.

Pavo loco!

- I love it when you call me your crazy turkey.

Is that frostbite on your toes?

I find it very appealing.

- You're so silly.

- [Grunts]

Holy guacamole!

If I did not know any better,

I would say your fan had a tire iron in it.

- Oh, don't be ridiculous.

- Mi querida, why have you come to see me?

- I'm, uh, suddenly attracted to men with power.

Now, how about you join me over there,

Away from the wish monitors?

- Yes, because it's far more romantic over there

By that pipe that leads from the toilet.

[Alarm beeps]

- Okay, cosmo.

It's time to break the rules.

I wish every girl in dimmsdale was in love with me,

That I had straight "a"s in all my classes,

And instead of a money tree, I had a whole money farm.

[Girls screaming]

All: we love you, timmy!

- Yay, my money tree turned into a money farm!

- Oh, no.

The crops are coming in.

I better harvest them

Before those raccoons get back

From their european cruise!

- Rule break. Rule break. Rule break.

- It worked!

- I knew we could trust wanda to distract juandissimo.

I bet she's got him wrapped around

Her frostbitten little finger.

- Kiss me, wanda.

Stop giving me the cold shoulder.

Speaking of which,

Why is there so much cold on your shoulder?

[Dramatic music]

- What took you clowns so long?

I mean--

What is the fairy council doing here?

- Juandissimo? - Que?

- You let timmy turner get away with wishes

That violates the rules.

You're fired!

- Wanda, my love.

I may not have my job, but at least we have each other.

- Carne asada!

Yes, I'm pretty sure

There's a cast iron skillet in there.

[Dramatic music]

- Jorgen von strangle,

You have been reinstated as keeper of the rules.

[Trumpeting fanfare]

- Yay!

I feel whole again, turner.

Thank you for getting me my job back,

Even though it was you

Who got me fired in the first place.

Which reminds me,

I have to get rid of all your illegal wishes.

[Girls screaming]

- I'm okay with the "f"s,

But couldn't you have left the girls?

[Ice cream truck jingling all around the mulberry bush]

- Oh, ice cream!

And I finally have enough change.

No!

- Wanda, my love.

I lost my job and my corporate housing.

Can I stay with you, por favor?

- Of course you can.

Come on, I'll show you to your room.

Here it is.

[Whistling]

- It's cold in here.

I shouldn't have flexed.

I really needed that shirt.

Ay, muy frio.

- Ooh, a hot dog.

[Jittery yelling]

- This is so exciting!

[Crowd chatting excitedly]

- This is chet ubetcha reporting from dimmsdale days,

The annual festival where local residents

Try to turn a profit from their pathetic hobbies.

In unrelated news,

Who wants to buy some seashell earmuffs

Made by a famous reporter?

I can hear the ocean!

Oh, no. Wait.

That's a hermit crab with asthma.

[Hermit crab breathing raspingly]

- I wonder how my mom's doing with her banana bread booth.

- I can't hear you, timmy.

There's a shrimp in my ear.

It's not from the earmuffs.

It's from the cajun food stand.

Thank goodness there's cocktail sauce

In my belly button.

[Munching happily]

- Sport, I think something's wrong

With your mom's banana bread.

[All belching]

- Whoa, mom.

Why are your customers burping up bubbles?

- Well-- and this is just a theory--

Perhaps it's because instead of using bananas in the recipe,

I used banana shampoo.

- Shampoo is poison!

It can have terrible side effects!

- But I use shampoo in everything

Except my homemade shampoo.

I use bananas in that.

- Spark tarts!

Get your spark tarts!

- Oh, dear.

You're right about shampoo

Having side effects.

I'm hearing the dog talk.

- Sparky, these are dog treats.

You can't sell them to humans.

[Munching]

Mmm, oh, yes, you can!

These are delicious!

Hey, everyone, come get your spark tarts!

[Crowd talking]

- I'll buy one.

- These are fantastic.

I love spark tarts!

- Step into my photo booth and let me capture your magic--

I mean, your likeness in a fun photo!

[Sign buzzes]

You're not a fairy. Get out!

- Where's my photo?

- I said get out!

- [Screams]

Hey, mr. Crackers.

Can I get a picture of me

And my new best friend,

This plate of delicious spark tarts?

- Oh, sure, do you want wallet size or--

Get out!

[Sign dings] wait a minute.

There's fairy magic in this spark tart.

I've got to take it back to the crocker cave

For further analysis

And eventually to dunk it in milk.

[Laughing crazily]

Now to see if there's enough fairy magic in this treat

To make a wish.

What will I wish for?

A space laser to annihilate all my enemies?

No, I need to wish for something really useful,

Like dental floss

That won't snap between my teeth.

Ironically, the only way to get the floss out

Is with more floss.

It's a vicious circle!

[Electronics beeping]

- Analysis complete.

Item contains only one millionth

Of the magic required to make a wish.

- Darn it!

That mean in order to make a wish,

I'm gonna need how many treats?

Let's see.

Carry the five, divide by four.

- You need a million, you moron.

- I wanted to add it up myself, computer!

Now, I just have to get

A million spark tarts from turner.

But I can't approach him as me,

So I'll need a-- buh--

Let me think--

- Disguise.

- I would have gotten that one.

I was going through the "d" words in my head!

[Cackles]

[Dramatic music]

Let's see.

The grim reaper?

No, I'll wear that tonight

And scare mother during bath time.

Let's see what other costumes I have.

Hold the phone!

Stereotypical s rich guy!

That's perfect!

Okay, let's get this show on the, um...

- Road.

- I was getting to that!

I was just on the "r" words!

- Wow, sparky.

We really cleaned up selling your spark tarts.

- Oh, timmy!

Can I borrow some money?

I need to buy more spark tarts.

They're fantastic.

- Sorry, dad.

We're all out.

- Then give me back my money, you swindler.

- You know, sparky,

If we went into business together,

We could really make a fortune with those spark tarts,

Or at least make the money back that my dad just took from us.

- I'm in.

But dimmsdale days is over.

Who're we gonna sell them to?

- Hello.

I'm a billionaire

From the s

Who would like to buy a million spark tarts.

I climbed this ladder

'Cause rich people always climb the ladder to the top.

- I'm sorry. Who are you?

- The name's phil therich.

Here's my card.

- "Phil therich, s billionaire."

Wow.

A million spark tarts? Okay.

They're $ each, so it'll cost you $ million,

Mr. Therich.

- Oh-- oh, yeah!

Right! Okay.

I'll be back for the spark tarts in hours.

[Screams]

[Grunts]

- Whoo-hoo!

Sparky, we're gonna be rich.

Poof up your spark tarts.

- I can't poof them up.

It's a special recipe.

We have to bake them ourselves.

- What?

We have to work for $ million?

That doesn't seem fair.

- Don't worry, timmy.

We'll help.

With the right attitude,

We'll be done in no time.

- We're not done!

- Wow, do I hate baking these stupid spark tarts.

- We've been at this for hours

And we're nowhere close to making a million.

Cosmo, how many have we done?

- .

- Hundred or thousand?

- Just .

[Munching]

Make that .

I just ate one.

Ooh, these are good.

[Munching]

Okay, now we have .

Don't worry, timmy.

I got a bunch of magical elves to help us.

- We're not elves.

We're jockeys.

- I'm a baker, not a shrink.

Don't tell me your problems.

Now put on a hairnet and start baking.

[Sign dings]

- We did it, everyone.

A million spark tarts!

[All cheer]

- Wait, what happened to them?

- I ate them, and they were delicious!

- You ate a million?

- Don't be ridiculous, timmy.

Counting the ones I ate at the fair,

I'm only up to ,.

I threw the rest at dinkleberg's stupid face.

- Great. What are we gonna do?

We've only got hours to make a million more spark tarts

And we don't have enough help.

- No problem, timmy.

I got more elves.

- We're not elves.

We're first-graders.

- I would believe that

If I didn't know how deceptive elves can be.

[All snoring]

- We did it!

We made another million spark tarts just in time.

We're gonna be rich!

- Speaking of rich,

It is i, phil therich.

I take it my spark tarts are ready.

They're all yours, mr. Therich.

Just pay us $ million.

- Here you go, $ million bill.

And it's a red one.

- Wait a minute.

This bill has mr. Crocker's face on it.

- That's right, turner!

It's me, cleverly disguised

Behind this monocle the whole time!

And now that I have a million spark tarts,

I can make a wish to annihilate you!

[Screams]

[Grunts]

Swallowed my monocle!

[Laughing crazily]

- I don't get it.

Why does mr. Crocker think he can make a wish

With a million spark tarts?

- Well-- and this is just a theory--

It could be because the secret ingredient

In spark tarts is a pinch of fairy dust.

- What?

Then mr. Crocker really can annihilate me.

Cosmo, wanda, you got to help me!

- Oh, no, they're still knocked out

From baking all night.

[Both snoring]

- Cover your nose when you sneeze, cosmo.

- Come on in, supermodel tatiana.

The water's great!

- Looks like we're on our own, sparky.

- [Snoring]

- Cover your nose when you sneeze,

Supermodel tatiana.

- How am I gonna stop mr. Crocker?

I'm on my own with no magic.

- Oh, timmy?

Oh, I don't feel so good.

- That's it.

My dad ate , spark tarts.

If I can get him to eat one more,

He'll have the magic I need to stop mr. Crocker.

- [Groaning]

Oh, timmy.

I shouldn't have eaten

So many delicious spark tarts.

- No, you shouldn't have.

Now eat one more!

- Whoa, I feel light as a feather.

- Come on, we got to get to mr. Crocker's house.

No time to waste.

[Electricity crackling]

- Ow, hit a power line!

- Walk it off.

- ,,

,,

Million!

- You've got magic.

- Excellent!

Now I can make a wish to annihilate turner

Or I could get rid of that accursed dental floss.

I tried using toothpicks, but those got stuck too.

Or I could wish for corn.

No, wait.

That's what kicked off

This flossing nightmare

In the first place!

[Trumpeting fanfare]

- [Grunts, yells]

- Suck it up.

- You're too late, turner

And that strange, lifeless balloon

That looks like your dad.

I put the magic from those spark tarts

Into a wand!

- [Yells]

- Well, I put the magic from those spark tarts

Into a wand of my own.

- You think you have the upper hand, turner,

But I'm gonna turn the tables on you.

[Grunting]

Oh, those are heavy tables.

Hmm, looks like I actually tipped the tables instead.

No matter!

Now you'll have to take

The long way around.

- That's it?

That's all you got?

- No, I also have a robot spider.

[Robot spider roars]

- Wow, timmy, you have a really weird relationship

With your math teacher.

- [Yells]

- Get him!

- I can't.

I'm blocked by these tipped tables.

[Whimpering]

- Oh, well, I'll just have to use my magic wand

To annihilate you!

- [Yells]

I wish you had no more magic.

- [Yelps]

- I ate a million spark tarts, timmy.

You really shouldn't be shaking me.

[Yells]

[Flatulence]

[Grunts]

- Curse you, turner

And your weird deflating dad balloon.

I promise I'll find another way to destroy you.

But first I need to tip these tables

Back to their upright position.

- Well, guys, everything's back to normal,

And we don't have to worry about any more magic spark tarts.

- Hi, timmy!

- Oh, no!

Mom, did you eat a bunch of spark tarts?

- No, honey.

My purse got caught

On a hot air balloon.

[Electricity crackling] [yells]

I hit a power line!

- Walk it off, mom.

- It's bath time, mother.
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