09x16 - Love at First Bark/Desperate Without Housewives

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Fairly OddParents". Aired: March 30, 2001 – July 26, 2017.*
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Series follows the adventures of Timmy Turner, a 10-year-old boy with two fairy godparents named Cosmo and Wanda who grant him wishes to solve his everyday problems.
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09x16 - Love at First Bark/Desperate Without Housewives

Post by bunniefuu »

- ♪ Timmy is an average kid

♪ That no one understands

♪ Mom and dad and vicky always giving him commands ♪

- Bed, twerp!

- ♪ The doom and gloom up in his room ♪

♪ Is broken instantly

♪ By his magic little fish who grant his every wish ♪

♪ 'Cause in reality

♪ They are his oddparents

♪ Fairly oddparents

- Wands and wings.

- Float-y crown-y things.

- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ Really mod, pea pod, buff bod, hot rod ♪

- Obtuse, rubber goose, green moose, guava juice,

Giant snake, birthday cake, large fries, chocolate shake!

- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ It flips your lid when you are the kid ♪

♪ With fairly oddparents

- Yeah, right.

- Hey, sparky.

What's with the hearts floating over your head?

Are you in love?

- Sure looks that way.

If he had to go to the bathroom,

There'd be a kidney floating over his head.

I'll be right back.

[Toilet flushes]

- I am in love, timmy.

Check it out.

- You're in love with that dog in dinkleberg's yard?

- Yeah. Her name is peaches.

She's beautiful and smart.

Okay, she's beautiful.

The point is she's my one true love.

She's all I can think about.

- Hi, timmy.

I see you've met my new dog peaches.

I rescued her from the pound while I was on my way home

From saving a group of senior citizens

From a burning bingo hall.

Here, timmy. You can have my reward money.

- Don't you dare give free money

To my son, you monster.

- Okay, then how about some homemade brownies?

They're sugarless, gluten-free,

And they actually help you stay fit.

- Keep your hippie brownies to yourself,

You bottomless well of evil!

- Well, I guess I deserve that.

I should've brought a glass of wholesome, refreshing milk.

- Dad, what is wrong with you?

- Oh, lots of things.

In fact, your mother made a list.

- No, dad, I'm talking

About the way you treat mr. Dinkleberg.

Why can't you just get along with him?

Like the way sparky gets along with his dog peaches.

- So what do you like to do?

Oh, eat poop with a bee on it.

Cool.

- Sparky turner.

Back away from that dinkledog.

No turner shall ever associate with a dinkleberg.

You're coming with me.

- My eyes!

- Uh, dad, aren't you overreacting?

- Probably.

Overreacting is number

On your mother's list of things that are wrong with me.

Number is running out of the house

Without any clothes on.

- [Screams]

- Hi, mrs. Shikadance!

- I can't believe your dad won't let me see peaches, timmy.

Look at her. She's pretty and graceful.

Okay, she's pretty.

- Sparky, I'm sorry

My dad gets so crazy and unreasonable.

- Those are numbers and on your mom's list!

- But you're a magic dog.

You can just poof over to peaches any time you want.

- You're right. Your dad will never know.

[Siren wails]

- You're busted, romeo.

- [Screams]

- Hi, mrs. Lettergerber!

- [Sighs] - poor sparky.

He's brokenhearted.

- You can tell by the broken hearts

Floating over his head.

- I thought those were broken butts.

I broke my butt once.

It's still cracked to this day.

- Cosmo, what is wrong with you?

- Oh, lots of things.

Wanda made a list.

- Ow.

- That's number .

Recklessly unfurling lists.

- Oh, sparky!

I feel bad that I won't

Let you see that dinklebeast next door.

- So you're gonna let sparky hang out with peaches?

And possibly, hopefully get dressed?

- Heavens, no.

That would show a level of maturity

That number on the list clearly states I don't have.

Anyway, I've decided to fix sparky up

With a new lady dog to take his mind off peaches.

[Inhales] [whistles]

- [Barking]

- Check her out, sparky.

She barks a lot, but she doesn't shed.

- That's a seal, dad!

- You lied to me. Get out!

Let's bring in bachelorette number two.

I found her in mr. Crocker's yard.

[Inhales] [whistles]

- Dad, that's mrs. Crocker.

- Oh, so she was telling the truth.

Get out! - I'm gonna need a ride home.

- Out! - [Screams]

- All right, bachelorette number three.

I think you're really gonna like this one.

Come on in, voodoo.

- [Growls]

- Ahh! Dad, that's a timber wolf!

- No wonder it growled at me when I put lipstick on it.

Ah! I was just trying to make you look pretty, voodoo!

[Groans]

- Face it, timmy, your dad's

Never gonna let me date peaches.

[Sighs] look at her.

She's not just pretty. She's clever too.

- Oh, please.

She left the bone on the ground and buried herself.

- I'm surprised she doesn't have

A broken brain floating over her head.

- I have an idea, sparky.

- There's no way I'm dating mrs. Crocker.

- No, if we can just get my dad

To like peaches as much as you do,

Then he'll let you date her.

- Judging by the wand floating over timmy's head,

I'd say he's about to make a wish.

- That's your wand.

- [Groans]

- I wish my dad liked peaches as much as sparky does.

- Oh, timmy!

I have great news.

I finally got dressed.

Also, I like peaches now.

- Does that mean you're gonna let sparky spend time with her?

- No way.

That beautiful lady dog is all mine.

I'm in love with her.

- Okay. Unwish that wish.

- No can do, sport.

It's against the rules to unwish true love.

- Are you saying my dad's

Romantically in love with peaches?

What are you, kidding me? What are we gonna do?

- I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna battle your dad for peaches' love.

- It's boring living with you, timmy.

Nothing ever happens.

- Get lost, sparky.

With this heart-shaped box of chocolates,

I'm gonna win peaches' heart-shaped heart.

- In your dreams, old man.

I will bury you.

Seriously, in the backyard next to my favorite tennis ball.

- Ooh.

Someone learned a fancy, new language

Just to impress peaches.

Well, two can play that game.

Woof, woof, woof.

- Hey, boys. Peaches is at the vet.

She got stung by the bee in the poop she ate.

But you're welcome to come in

For some organic carob chip cookies.

- I said no hippie food,

You ambassador of the underworld!

[Both growl]

[Both growl]

- ♪ Peaches

♪ I wanna take you to the beaches ♪

♪ If you fell in a swamp ♪

♪ I'd pick off the leeches

- ♪ Don't listen to sparky

♪ He's full of malarkey

♪ If you want to drive

♪ I will give you my car key ♪

- [Growls]

[Fast banjo playing] - [growls]

[Fast bongo playing]

- [Growls]



- [Sneezes]

[Sighs]

- I think she's allergic to your lack of talent.

- Well, I think she's allergic to your face!

[Both growl]

[Both grunting]

- Guys, this is ridiculous.

- I'll say. They're terrible musicians.

Take a lesson! - That's it.

I've gotta talk some sense into my dad.

Canned peaches? Peach cobbler?

Peach juice?

Dad, you've got a problem.

- You're telling me.

Since I told your mom I like peaches,

She keeps making me peach desserts I don't want.

Between you and me, I think she's gone insane.

- No, dad. That's you.

You're in love with a dog,

And only dogs are supposed to be in love with other dogs.

- I see where you're going with this, timmy.

You make a valid point.

Clearly, I need to dress like a dog.

Woof, woof, peaches.

It's me, the man--

I mean dog of your dreams!

- Come here, you mangy mutt.

You're going to the pound.

- Well, that didn't go the way I wanted it to,

But at least my dad's out of the way.

- Timmy, they're taking your dad to the pound.

Aren't you worried?

- Nah, they'll eventually figure out he's a guy

In a dog suit and let him go.

- Either that or they'll put a tracking chip in him

And give him his sh*ts.

- Now, let's get peaches to fall for sparky.

Then when my dad finds out, he'll come to his senses

And fall out of love with her.

- We just have to get peaches

To see something in sparky that she really likes.

- I know where you're going with this, wanda.

Clearly, we need to cover sparky in bees and poop.

- I've got a better idea.

- Timmy, why exactly am I wearing

This suit made of meat?

- Dogs love meat, and peaches is a dog.

So if you wear this, you're bound to attract peaches.

- So if I wear a suit of peaches,

Would I attract meat?

Okay, I realize that was a stupid question.

You can tell by the stupid question marks

Floating over my head.

- Well, timmy, if you think this is gonna work,

I'll give it a try.

- Trust me, sparky.

She'll be all over you.

- [Growls] - [yells]

- Well, voodoo was all over him.

- Boy, timmy, you really can be stupid sometimes.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna put on a peach vest,

So I can attract a meat loaf.

Ah! Bees! [Screaming]

Ow, my peach fuzz.

- b*at it, nut job.

- Well, at least I got my sh*ts.

- [Gags]

- Hey, sparky.

This has gotten out of hand.

- You're telling me. I just got eaten by a wolf.

- Cry me a river.

While I was at the pound, some weird family

Tried to adopt me and change my name to "boodles."

- Maybe we should just stop fighting

And let peaches decide who she wants to be with,

Although I'm pretty sure it's me.

- [Growls] - [growls]

- Heel, guys, peaches has already picked her boyfriend,

And it's neither of you.

- Well, that figures.

They always go for the bad boys.

- What was I even thinking falling in love with a dog?

I must have been delusional and insane,

Which are numbers and on your mother's list.

- [Crying]

Boodles! Come home.

- Get away from me, weirdos!

- [Cries]

- You okay, sparky? - Yeah.

Turns out voodoo has a sister.

She's beautiful and gentle.

- [Chomps]

- Well, she's beautiful.

Both: ♪ and so ends the story of peaches ♪

♪ When we sing, it sounds more like screeches ♪

- I'll say. Take a lesson.

[Upbeat music]



- Timmy, did you remember

To turn off the faucet after your bath?

[Screams] - mom!

First, you nag me to take a bath.

Then, you nag me to turn off the water.

I feel like you're suffocating me.

- No, that's the water we're drowning in.

[Screams]

- I feel you, timmy.

Wanda kept nagging me all night

To stop yelling into a megaphone.

- Poof and I couldn't sleep.

- Well, it relaxes me!

- [Underwater] oh, timmy!

Look. I caught a skate fish.

Grill this baby up, and we've got ourselves

A little piece of heaven.

- Honey, could you please take out the trash?

- Nag, nag, nag.

This morning, the living room was on fire.

And just because I was next to the phone,

Your mother wanted me to call the fire department.

The woman is impossible!

Man meeting in the living room!

All right, timmy. Listen up.

We've gotta do something.

Your mother's nagging is relentless.

It caused me to lose my hare.

No, wait. Here he is.

- Nag, nag, nag.

I'm so stressed out.

- Timmy, who's the loud floating guy?

- This is cosmo.

He's from a town where there's more, uh, gravity.

So over here, he, you know, floats.

- That does not make sense.

I'd question you, but I don't want

To be a nag like your mother.

- Women--can't live with them,

Can't get them to stop throwing up

When you wink at them.

Am I right? Fist bump!

[Crickets chirping]

- Mr. Crocker? What are you doing here?

- I'm tired of mother's constant nagging.

"Denzel, stop hiding behind the curtains.

It's creepy."

Well, duh!

It's supposed to be creepy.

Am I right? Fist bump.

Am I not doing this right?

Oh, hello, I assume you're visiting

From a town with more gravity.

- Nope, I'm a fairy.

- Ha! Good one.

Your friend's a real card, turner.

- I wish there were no women around to nag us.

But that's silly. Wishes don't come true.

Unless there's some way to grant them.

- Using fairies?

- Don't be absurd.

I'm talking about my rabbit's foot.

I just want hours without being nagged.

Who's with me?

- Yeah! Both: fist bump!

- Oh, sure. You fist bump each other.

- Senor carrots, I wish all the women

In the universe would disappear for one day.

- Go ahead. Grant the wish.

- Normally, this is when wanda would point out

All the ways this wish could go wrong.

Fortunately, she's about to be history.

- Cosmo, you forgot to--

- Honey, you forgot to--

- Thank you, senor carrots.

Ooh, looks like senor carrots was a senorita.

- Yahoo!

No nagging women for hours.

- Now, I can do this, and nothing will happen.

[Shouts] well, something happened,

But you know what I mean.

Hey, there's a raccoon living up here.

But it's okay. He's a boy raccoon.

- Huzzah! I don't have to wash mother's wigs tonight.

I'm floating on air.

- So am i. But then again, I'm a fairy.

- That was funny once. Don't milk it.

- Who needs women? We men will be just fine.

- [Growls]

- Well, at least we're all wearing clean clothes.

- Yeah, who needs to know how to do your laundry

When you can just wear your old halloween costumes?

- And luckily, I found my outfit

From my clown-themed wedding.

At least I thought it was clown-themed

Until the guests and your mother showed up.

That was a day filled with tears and regrets

And an occasional pie in the face.

- I know why you're wearing the clown suit,

But did you have to put the makeup on?

- [Laughs] of course, timmy.

I don't want to look crazy.

- Cosmo, where'd you get that little bear suit?

- I skinned your teddy bear, timmy.

It's all about survival.

It was him or me.

- I'm not even gonna ask.

- It's your mom's prom dress.

Without mother to yell at me,

I can wear anything I want.

Although I do miss her insults.

I made a list of her best zingers.

Would you mind hurling one at me every two minutes?

- You got it.

"You're the source of all my misery."

- Thanks, that's as refreshing

As the breeze blowing up my hoop skirt.

- I'm hungry. Can we have dinner?

- No problem, timmy.

I can make dinner. I'm not a moron.

Honey, we're ready for dinner!

Oh, no, the magic words don't work.

- Maybe watching tv will distract us

From our horrible hunger pangs.

The batteries in the remote are dead!

- Don't worry. I got this.

Honey, the batteries in the remote are dead!

This is the worst year of my life!

- It's only been five minutes.

- How am I supposed to know that?

Your mother was the one who could tell time.

[Raccoon chirps] [screams]

- [Cries] I want to go home.

But without mother to drive me,

I don't know where I live.

- Making the women disappear was a huge mistake.

I wish all the women in the universe would come back.

[Wand powers down]

- The batteries in my wand are dead.

Don't worry. I got this.

Wanda, the batteries in my wand--

- Stop. I know how this turns out.

Okay, we only have hours

And minutes left until they come back.

We can tough it out. How bad could it be?

[Large vehicle approaches]

[Ominous music]



- Yay! The women are back!

- We are not the feminine of the species.

Are you?

- Don't be ridiculous.

Haven't you ever seen a middle-aged man

In a prom dress before?

- "You've been a failure since the day you were born."

- Thanks. It really takes the edge off.

- All the women from our planet have disappeared.

We've been wandering around our galaxy lost

Because they're not around to make us stop

And ask for directions.

- I don't know where I live.

- I hear you, brother. Fist bump!

What do I have, a hand fungus?

Oh, it turns out I do.

- We are the snob-ulacs from the planet snob-ulan.

- Our sensors indicate that you four

Are responsible for the disappearance

Of all the females in the universe.

- And thanks to you, we are starving.

We tried to make our own dinner.

But when we called out, "honey, I'm ready to feast

On glornocks," nothing happened.

- Our magic words did not work.

- We are going to annihilate the earth

Unless you throw us a formal dinner party.

- Dad! Do something!

- Would you guys settle for a rubber chicken

From my clown suit?

- No! Prepare to be destroyed.

- Hold it, hold it.

We're gonna have to stall these guys for hours

Until the women come back and prepare a meal.

Snob-ulacs, on our planet, it is customary

To have hours of entertainment before a meal.

- But--but--

- You don't wanna be rude, do you?

After all, you are the snob-ulacs.

- Well played, earth ketchup. Commence with the entertainment.

- I'll start by regaling you

With stories from my colorful past.

And that's when my dry cleaner said,

"No more chili before jogging."

Her name was mitzy mallone,

And she could've been my wife if she wasn't a horse.

[All snoring]

- We're off the hook.

Crocker's super boring stories put the aliens to sleep.

- They made me tense!

[All gasp]

- Enough with the stalling. When's dinner?

- Uh, soon. Okay, dad, your turn.

Stall for as long as you can.

- Eh, uh-- all right, aliens.

Prepare to be wowed by the musical stylings

Of dad and his bongos.



I bought you a split second, timmy. You're up.

- Um, okay.

How about a game we can all enjoy--charades?

- To the death? - What? No!

I wouldn't even know how to do that.

Okay, it's a movie. First word.

- Wizard of oz? I'm going with wizard of oz.

- Right. Darn it.

- That's enough! There is no dinner.

And now, there will be destruction.

- Well, if this is my last day on earth,

I'm glad I could spend it with you guys

And without any girls here to ruin it.

[Cries] oh, who am I kidding?

I miss my mommy. - [Cries]

And I miss my wife.

- And I miss my mom.

- And I miss the carefree 's

When big hair and shoulder pads ruled the day.

Oh, and my wife, what's-her-name.

- Oh, look. We're magically home.

It's been nice spending the last day with you,

Woman from a town with more gravity.

- Wow, you bought that? I mean, uh, you too.

All: yay! The women are back!

- Honey, it's so great to see you.

I'll explain the cougar and the clown suit later.

But first, I need you to cook a formal dinner,

So these aliens don't destroy the world.

- I'll take care of dinner.

- Finally. We're starving.

[Phone rings]

- Hello? Uh, ooh, right away, dear.

Yes, I'll stop and pick up some fleeblatz.

Good news!

The females of our species

Have returned and are nagging us again.

All: hooray!

[Laughter]

- I missed you, honey.

Being in my wedding suit has put me in a romantic mood.

Will you remarry me?

- Did you take out the trash?

- She said yes!

[Screams]

- Timmy, what have I told you

About leaving the faucet running?

- I know, mom, I just wanted to hear you say it again.

- Oh, go ahead.

- I miss the 's!

[Tires screech]

- Yay! Mother's here to take me home!

- Come on, you sorry excuse for a son!

- I missed you, mother. Fist bump!

Sorry about the hand fungus. Wait, mother, wait!

- Well, I think we've all learned a valuable lesson.

- That we can't live without the women in our lives?

- No, that everyone in the universe

Has seen wizard of oz.

Man, that tin man and scarecrow sure can dance.

Fist bump!
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