09x20 - Fairly Old Parent

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Timmy is an average kid

♪ That no one understands

♪ Mom and dad and vicky always giving him commands ♪

- Bed, twerp!

- ♪ The doom and gloom up in his room ♪

♪ Is broken instantly

♪ By his magic little fish who grant his every wish ♪

♪ 'Cause in reality

♪ They are his oddparents

♪ Fairly oddparents

- Wands and wings.

- Float-y crown-y things.

- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ Really mod, pea pod, buff bod, hot rod ♪

- Obtuse, rubber goose, green moose, guava juice,

Giant snake, birthday cake, large fries, chocolate shake!

- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ It flips your lid when you are the kid ♪

♪ With fairly oddparents

- Yeah, right.

[Upbeat music]

♪

[Fanfare music]

- [Munching]

- Ladies and gentlemen,

And dog, who helped me squeeze into this unitard.

- I saw things a dog shouldn't see.

- Presenting the magical stylings of poof!

- Poof poof!

All: yay!

- Rabbit!

Woof, woof! Woof, woof!

Aah! Laser rabbit!

- Oh, that was great, sweetie.

- Pull something else out of your magic hat, poof.

- Fairies!

- Put it back! Put it back!

- Poof, I'm starving.

For your next trick, make me a sandwich.

Dah! That's not what I meant!

And even worse, I didn't get a beverage.

- Sandwich! - Aah! Aah!

[Hat rattling]

- Everyone... I have huge news.

I also have huge biceps.

Which would you like me to elaborate on first?

- I assume you'll go with the opposite of what I pick.

- Obviously. - I pick biceps!

- Okay, the big news is that the fairy council has decided

That poof's magic is now powerful enough

For him to have his own fairy godperson!

- Poof poof? Poof poof poof poof?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, poof. That's a lot of questions.

Let's answer them one at a time.

- Wait, what do you mean "fairy godperson"?

Don't you mean fairy god kid?

- No, the council has decided to appeal to a new demographic.

They've done young and hip,

Now they are going for old and broken hip.

- Hold the phone, jorgen.

Are you saying poof's gonna be assigned to an old person?

- Yes, but we needed to find an old person miserable enough

To deserve a fairy godparent.

And luckily, I found the most miserable old person

In dimmsdale--mrs. Crocker!

- You can't give my baby to mrs. Crocker!

Her son is a dangerous fairy hunter.

- Gah, somebody help me! I'm trapped in a hat!

- Yeah, I don't think he's going to be a problem.

Besides, it is only a trial run

To see if the fairies for old people program works.

- Jorgen, I don't think poof's gonna be all that excited

To be assigned to mrs. Crocker. [Fireworks exploding]

- Poof poof poof poof poof poof poof!

- He looks pretty excited to me.

And speaking of body building, who wants to talk about my pecs?

- I do! - Well, then, I'm out of here.

I'll meet poof at mrs. Crocker's house first thing tomorrow.

- I don't know about this.

Poof going to work at his age makes me nervous.

- You wanna feel nervous?

Try living your life as a grilled cheese sandwich.

Everyone wants a piece of me.

Okay, I'm gonna need that piece back.

- [Licks]

- Aah!

- Morning, everyone.

Ooh, I see poof is ready for his big day.

- I'm still not sure he's old enough to be on his own.

- It is going to be a snap, wanda.

Most of the job will consist of polishing

Mrs. Crocker's dentures and poofing up soft foods.

Come on, poof.

It's time to meet your fairy god geezer.

- Well, it's time for me to go too, wanda.

I'm gonna spend my life on the run like an edible desperado.

- Oh, cosmo, just change back into yourself!

- I would, but sparky took a bite out of my memory

And I can't remember what I used to be.

- Mother, I'm off to school! Good-bye.

Hopefully forever. - Here's your lunch, denzel.

Have a good day. I love you!

- If you loved me, you wouldn't have packed head cheese!

- [Whimpers]

- Excuse me, mrs. Crocker? - Oh, oh!

Stranger danger!

- [Shouts]

- Oh, oh, I'm terribly sorry.

You must be my date from that online matchmaking service

I signed up for, wrinkled romance!

- Uh, not exact--

- Don't say a word unless it's about your biceps.

- Finally, somebody gets me.

Anyway, I came from fairy world to give you

The greatest gift a mortal can receive!

- A fondue set?

- Yes--no! Your own fairy godparent.

Allow me to introduce you to...

Poof! - Poof poof!

- Ooh! I have a fairy godparent?

And it's a cute floating head with chubby little legs.

- Yes and he will grant your every wish.

But first, there are two main rules you need to follow:

You cannot use magic to cheat,

And you cannot tell anyone you have a fairy.

Now, how about a test wish?

- [Whispers]

It worked!

My "hunky man with a fondue set" wish came true!

- Get your mind out of the gutter, woman.

Good luck, poof.

- This is so exciting!

My next wish is to look exactly like I did when I was .

- Poof poof!

- Oh, my goodness! I'm beautiful!

Now that I'm a knockout, I want to fulfill all my other dreams.

First, I want to be able to pull a bus with my teeth.

[Crowd cheering]

[Crowd cheering]

- Well, that was one weird ride to school.

- Poof, I'm ready for my next wish.

I've always wanted to eat a cake in the future.

- Poof poof? - No, I'm not kidding.

[Cars warble]

- [Robotic voice] enjoy some cake.

- [Munching]

This future cake is delicious.

The best part is that I can eat as much as I want

And still stay trim in the past!

- Here is your check.

You must pay , government credits

Or spend years in work camp nine.

- I wish I had a laser rabbit.

Okay, poof.

Now I wish I was home watching my favorite tv show.

- Welcome back to another

Exciting episode of "fondues and don'ts."

Today we're dipping this grilled cheese sandwich

In a boiling pot of chocolate.

- Look, wanda, I'm on tv! Yay, chocolate!

Aah!

- This is perfect, poof.

But you know what I wish for most of all?

To spend more time with denzel.

- What am I doing here?

- Not academy award-winning actor denzel washington!

My son, denzel crocker!

- Aah! What happened?

I was right in the middle of breaking up

A food fight in the cafeteria.

It was me against the entire school.

Ooh, that little becky wangberg has quite an arm on her.

- Denzel, there's something I need to tell you.

I know denzel washington and I have magic now.

- What?

I believe the denzel washington thing,

But the magic thing is just plain crazy!

- It's true!

I have a fair...ly magical pillow.

- You really expect me to believe that you --

Holy couch accessory! You weren't kidding.

I guess you can get anything on the internet these days.

- Listen, denzel, I feel like we've been drifting apart,

So I want to make a very special wish.

- Oh, please don't let it be that you want us

To spend more time together.

- I want us to spend more time together.

Remember when you were a kid and we used to run errands?

I wish we would have a day like that all over again.

- Well wish away, mother. That's not gonna happen!

- Okay, it happened, and it's humiliating!

- Oh, admit it, denzel. You had fun!

- Fun? It was a nightmare!

First you made me get braces again,

Then my old barber put a bowl on my head to cut my hair.

It still had cereal in it!

And now I'm dressed like a turn of the century dandy!

- You look adorable.

Oh, denzel, what a perfect day. I love you!

Now don't you have something you want to say to me?

- Oh, I have something to say all right,

But I have a little too much dignity.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna hike up my knee socks,

Pick the corn out of my braces and skip all the way home.

La-la-la-la-la!

- [Sighs]

Oh, poof, my son just doesn't want

To spend time with me anymore.

I guess I'll have to fill the hole in my heart

With superficial material possessions.

I wish for diamonds, a mink coat, a jaguar--

[Jaguar growls] - not that kind of a jaguar.

[Sneezes]

Oh, I'm allergic to jungle cats.

Now I wish I had a doctor.

Hello, doctor gorgeous!

I've got a disease and you're the cure.

- I'm writing you a prescription for "get real," lady.

- Poof, I'm just gonna have to keep making wishes

Until I feel better. Now, let's get wishing!

- [Sighs]

[Weakly] poof poof.

- Oh, poof, I've been making wishes for hours,

But I still feel empty inside.

I don't think a glazed ham is gonna help.

Anyway, it's :.

That's three hours past my bed time.

- Phew.

- While I'm asleep,

I want you to keep granting this list of wishes.

Maybe we can find something that'll make me feel better.

- [Sighs]

[Thud] unh.

- That woman is overworking poof.

He's been gone all night!

- Wanda, I'm sure poof is fine.

- Poof poof?

- Or not so fine. - Oh, my baby!

When I get my hands on mrs. Crocker,

She's gonna be toast!

- Being toast isn't that bad, wanda.

It's having a delicious cheesy center

That gets you into trouble.

That's what I get for hiding in a husky kid's lunch box.

I'm much safer here at home. - Mm.

Chocolate toast with a delicious cheesy center.

- Aah!

I need to find a place to hide where no one will eat me.

I've got it!

Next to your dad's bowl of tomato soup.

- [Bites]

- Timmy, I'm never letting poof

Go over to mrs. Crocker's house again!

- Good news!

Poof will be going over to mrs. Crocker's house again.

- What? - Poof poof?

- Poof has done a great job!

Well, other than the complaint

From academy award-winning actor denzel washington.

Anyway, the fairy council has decided

To assign him to mrs. Crocker permanently.

It is time to go back to fairy godparenting.

- Ahh!

Jorgen, you can't be serious!

That woman is running poof ragged!

- Come on. There's gotta be some way

To get poof out of this.

- No, there is not.

Unless of course mrs. Crocker breaks the rules.

Anyway, there is nothing I can do.

Poof will never come home again.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to write

A letter of apology to denzel washington's agent.

- This is terrible, timmy!

I'll never see my baby again!

- This is terrible, timmy!

We've gotta figure out some way to get poof away

From mrs. Crocker and bring him back home.

- Don't worry, wanda. I've got a plan.

We're gonna get mrs. Crocker to break the rules.

And when it comes to breaking rules, I'm an expert!

- Oh, I love to break rules!

Don't tell anyone, but I once parked

In a loading zone with nothing to load.

- Wow, wanda, that's not exactly wha--

- And one time I left a % tip at a restaurant,

But I felt so guilty, I broke into the waiter's house

And left him an extra %...

Which, I'll point out, is also breaking the rules.

- Well, technically it's breaking and entering.

- Of course, I did leave the waiter bucks

To fix the window I broke.

I also did his dishes,

But I did not dry them!

And that was right after I snuck my own popcorn

Into a movie theater.

- Okay, wanda, I get it. You're a rebel.

Listen, one of the rules is you can't cheat.

Mrs. Crocker plays bingo every day.

If we can get her to use magic to win, she'll lose poof.

Now here's the plan. [Whispers]

- Poof, it's great having you at bingo with me.

With you here, I can wish for anything I need.

Like a yummy liverwurst sandwich.

- Poof poof.

- And cut the crust off.

Just on three sides.

No, that's not the side I like with crust!

Oh, that's perfect!

[Munching] that's delicious!

I'll just save the rest for later.

- Unh! [Gags]

- Now I could use some bunion cream,

A donut cushion for my tushy,

And one of those fancy electric nose trimmers.

You're a life saver!

- [Sneezes] [groans]

- Hey, poof.

- Hello, ladies.

I've never seen you before. Are you new to bingo?

- Oh, I've been playing bingo for about ,--

[Smack] I mean, years.

Watch the elbow, bernice.

- So how long does this bingo thing last?

I've got a soccer game this afternoon.

[Smack] did I say soccer game?

I meant hip replacement surgery.

- Well you're here on a good day.

First prize is new tennis balls for your walker.

- What? That's a super lame prize.

I mean, score!

I'm an old lady who needs that!

- If you want to win, you should do what I do.

You know, cheat. That's what I do all the time.

I'm a big fat cheater!

- You're not cheating in here, honey.

- Watch the rebel get out of this scrape.

How about I slip you a quarter and we forget this whole thing?

- Tase her, dan-o.

- Aah!

[Clank, thud]

- Bingo jail. Who knew?

- Gladys dug a tunnel.

We're busting out at midnight. - Hey, hey!

- You might want to whisper that.

- I thought I was!

I lost my hearing aid in a rumble in the mess hall!

- You two are free to go.

You were bailed out by a grilled cheese sandwich.

- Sandwich! - Aah!

Aah!

Aah! Watch the crust!

- [Chomps]

- Wanda, we need to find a new way

To get mrs. Crocker to break the rules.

I know, we'll get her to break the biggest rule ever.

- Get her to leave a % tip?

- No.

Let's get her to tell someone she has a fairy.

And I know just how to do it.

[Doorbell rings]

- Hello, we are government census takers.

We're here to find out how many men, women, and fairies

Are living in your house.

- One woman and one humped back man, and that's it.

Thank you. - Are you sure?

It's okay to tell us any secrets you're keeping.

- You can trust us. We're the government.

- Come on. Everybody has secrets.

For example, my husband's a grilled cheese sandwich.

- Please go away. I have a lot of wishing to do--

I mean, hip replacement surgery.

- Nice going, wanda.

You were more believable as bernice.

- You were bernice! - Wake up, poof.

You have a lot of wishes to grant!

Here's my new list.

- [Sighs]

[Sensual music]

♪

- Seriously, old woman,

I will poof up a restraining order right now!

- We need another plan, wanda. Wanda?

[Gasps] wanda!

- I'm taking her out, timmy!

- I'm not going back to jail with you.

Now get out here!

- [Sighs]

- I've been thinking, wanda.

People get fairy godparents because they're unhappy.

All we have to do is find out

What's making mrs. Crocker sad and fix it.

Then poof will be free to go.

- That's a great idea, timmy.

But how are we ever gonna figure out what makes her unhappy?

[Door opens] - I'm home, you old bat!

- Denzel, are you hungry? I was just about to make--

- Yourself scarce? The scarcer the better!

Now if you need me for anything...don't!

- [Whimpers] [cries]

- That's it, wanda!

Mr. Crocker is the source of mrs. Crocker's unhappiness.

He's the reason she got a fairy!

If we get rid of him, poof can come home.

- Timmy turner?

- Uh, mr. Crocker, what brings you here?

- It's my house!

- Okay, enough small talk.

I was thinking if you hate your mother so much,

You should just leave home.

I took the liberty of packing a bag for you.

- That's mighty thoughtful of you, turner.

And a little bit creepy. I like it!

By the way, what are you doing in my--

I have to go to the bathroom! - Wanda?

- Never mind!

A toilet just appeared on the lawn!

- [Gasps]

- All right! Mr. Crocker is gone,

Which means mrs. Crocker

Is gonna be happy now. [Snap]

- Denzel, did you leave a bear trap in my room again?

- He's not here, mrs. Crocker.

In fact, I don't think he's coming back.

-- Timmy turner? - Uh, mrs. Crocker.

What brings you here? - It's my house!

- Look, mr. Crocker asked me to tell you that he's gone forever.

Isn't that the best news you've ever heard?

- What? No!

That's the worst news I've ever heard!

[Sobs] why?

- I don't understand.

I thought mr. Crocker made you miserable.

- Miserable? He's my son and I love him.

I'm just sad because he doesn't love me back.

- What are you talking about, mother?

- Mr. Crocker, why'd you come back?

- I needed to wash my hands, and there's no lawn sink.

Now what's all this about me not loving you?

- Well you don't!

At least, you never say you do.

[Cries]

- Of course I love you, you deranged lunatic!

You're my mommy! - Oh, denzel!

- Enough, mother.

You're getting denture cream on my shirt.

- You've made me the happiest woman on earth!

- Come on, I'll buy you an ice cream, your treat!

And you're paying for gas. - Oh, denzel.

- Uh, what just happened?

- [Gasps] - I will tell you what happened.

As creepy and unbelievable as it sounds,

She actually wanted to spend time with mr. Crocker.

And now that she is no longer miserable,

She doesn't need a fairy.

Poof, you can go home!

- Poof poof! - Oh, I have my baby back!

Let's go find your father

So we can go out to dinner and celebrate.

- Ooh, a sandwich. [Munches]

- Jorgen, that was cosmo!

- Nope, wanda. The sandwich was a decoy.

I got tired of people trying to eat me,

So I cleverly disguised myself as a delicious dog bone.

- Ooh! Dog bone!

- Oh, no! - [Laughs]

- Watch the crust!

- Poof it's so good to have you back home.

- Poof poof!

- Poof, here is your pay for being a fairy godparent.

- Wait a minute.

You guys get paid for being godparents?

- Of course not, timmy.

Spending time with you is all the pay we need.

I assume my money is being directly wired

To my offshore account as usual?

- Wait a minute. What about my money?

- Actually, we have to pay them for you to be a godparent.

- That's fair.

- Let's celebrate us being back together

With a fun night at bingo!

- They banned us there, remember, wanda?

They'll never let us back in.

- I'll sneak us in, timmy.

I'm a rebel, remember? [Clank, thud]

- You had to park in the loading zone, didn't you, bernice?

- You're bernice!

Don't worry, guys.

Word has it that gladys is breaking us out tonight.

How's that tunnel coming, gladys?

- Pretty good.

I just gotta pick up my shovel so I can start digging.

[Grunts]

[cr*ck] oh, my back!

- I got this.

What do you say we blow this taco stand?

Ooh, speaking of which, poof, make me a taco.

- Taco! [Chomps]

- Aah! I'm gonna need that piece back!

- Oh, I love spending time with you, denzel.

- Right back at you, mother. - We should do this every day.

- Stop smothering me, you pushy old bat!

- [Instrumental title theme]

♪

- ♪ Billionfold!

- Inc.!

[Machine g*n fire]

- Federator!

♪