10x18 - Knitwits/Dimmsdale's Got Talent?

[bunniefuu]

[jazzy music]

- ♪ Timmy's still an average kid ♪

♪ That no one understands

♪ Chloe's his new neighbor

♪ And she's ruining all his plans ♪

- Ahh!

- ♪ All the wishes

♪ In the world

♪ So why should he care?

♪ Jorgen has reported there's a fairy shortage ♪

♪ So Timmy has to share

♪ His OddParents, fairly OddParents ♪

- More than one? - This should be fun!

- ♪ OddParents, fairly OddParents ♪

♪ Feather suit, nature boots, laser sh**ting, rescue ♪

- World peace, kale treats,

bunny feet, real neat!

- What? No! Leave me alone!

My fairies! Get your own!

- ♪ OddParents, fairly OddParents ♪

♪ Timmy, beware, you'll have to share ♪

♪ Your fairly OddParents

- Yeah, right!

[majestic music]

- It is I, Sir Dance-a-lot

with my trusty seed, Sir Sucks-a-lot,

here to save the kingdom from the evil fire-breathing dragon.

Evil dragon, where are you?

- The dragon's online shopping, sweetie.

- Dragons don't do that!

- Um, Sir Timmy's-dads-a-lot,

I'm not completely comfortable being a damsel in distress.

I am, after all,

a strong, empowered woman of the new millennium.

- Yeah, me too--I mean-- ah, you know what I mean.

I mean, how much longer do I have to do this?

My corset itches.

- I'm a pointy hat!

- Cosmo, be quiet.

Pointy hats don't talk.

Oops! I talked.

Ahh, I talked again!

- The talking pointy hats have a point.

Get in here, dragon!

You're ruining my special make-believe time game fun!

- I'll be your dragon, but now

my "stupid things I agree to do for you" punch card is full.

So you owe me a romantic cruise where we renew our wedding vows.

- Eeh, that sounds icky.

Timmy, you have to come along so it's a little less icky.

- Anything to get out of this corset and pointy hat.

- You have a pointy hat?

Oh, that's a coincidence, 'cause I'm a pointy hat.

- Oh, zip it, pointy hat.

- Can't zip it, Wanda. I don't have a zipper.

Which reminds me, how am I gonna go to the bathroom?

- Please don't go to the bathroom!

- Speaking of bathrooms, they have wonderful acoustics.

And I love to sing, and there are bathrooms on cruise ships,

and I've always dreamed of singing on a cruise ship,

so I'd love to join you! - Sure!

Except I'm only going on one condition:

that it's a super-fun medieval knight-themed cruise!

- Okay, but I get to

start another "stupid things" punch card.

- Another punch card?

You arean evil dragon!

Sucks-a-lot away!

- Don't look at me!

[jaunty nautical music]

Dad, I can't believe you actually found

a medieval-themed cruise.

- Yes, Timmy, but alas, my joy is tainted

by the fact that I couldn't bring Sucks-a-lot along.

His cord was simply too short.

- Wait a second--I've heard of the Knights of the Round Table,

but these people look like Knights of the Old Table.

- Timmy, this isn't a knighting cruise.

It's an old people's knitting cruise.

- K-nitting?

These dumb-dumbs don't even know how to spell "knighting."

They're stupid. Ooh, yay!

The knights are getting their trusty steeds.

I'm gonna call mine Thunderbolt.

- This whole thing's even dumber than I thought.

I'm giving myself three punches.

- I'm a knight, Timmy!

I'm off to find a dragon. Hopefully a small, weak one.

Thunderbolt away!

Clip-clop, clip-clop.

- Hey, check out the buffet.

There's no one in line for burgers and pizza

'cause old people can't chew solids.

- Maybe that explains the elder-on-elder v*olence

in the soup and pudding line.

[indistinct shouting]

- Anyway, I'm off

to get all dolled up for my vow renewal.

If you need me, Timmy,

I'll be at the Nifty Shades of Grey salon.

- And I'm off to practice my one-woman show.

♪ Totally Chloe

♪ At sea

But first I'm gonna politely

elbow my way into the pudding line.

- I have an idea, Cosmo. - Really? What's that like?

- How 'bout we renew our wedding vows like Timmy's parents?

- Ooh, that sounds so romantic. I'm totally in.

As long as I don't have to be involved in any way.

- I'm down. I'll just need a wedding planner.

- It is I, Juandissimo Magnifico,

founder and CEO of Muy Caliente Wedding Plandissimo.

A love corporation.

- Oh, no, it's Juandissimo,

my archrival who will do anything

to tear my beloved Wanda away from me.

But hey, if I don't have to be involved

with this whole vow thing, I'm good.

Ooh, aqua fitness!

- Let the planning begin.

We'll start by practicing your wedding "kissimo."

- Let's get one thing straight, Tissimo.

You try to give me a kissimo,

and I'll kick you in the watissimo.

- Ooh, she's touching me!

This counts as a touch!

- Excuse me, nice wrinkly lady,

I'm renewing my wedding vows today,

and I'd like to get an updo before I say, "I do."

- I'll be with you in a minute, young lady.

I've got to finish up with Mrs. Zimmerman here.

She's telling me all about her grandchildren who never call.

[indistinct chatter]

- Clip-clop, clip-clop.

Whoa! Hail, fellow knights!

I am Sir Dance-a-lot.

Ooh, and you all appear to be Asleeps-a-lot,

which means I'll have the upper hand in the jousting tournament.

- Dagnabbit, my knitting needle's stuck.

Now I'll never finish my "Number One Grandma" sweater.

- I'll save you, fair...

wow, you're old.

Ahh-ha-ha!

Excalibur!

Bow down to your king!

All rise.

all: We can't.

We're stuck.

Our joints have no lubricant.

- Thunderbolt away!

[teeth chattering]

- Okay, let's just say for example,

I am the groom and you are the bride.

And you say, "I take you, Juandissimo,

as my lawfully wedded husband-issimo."

Boy, that is a hard word to add "issimo" to.

- You're not gonna be my husband...issimo.

Boy, that ishard.

Also, back off! Just wait till Cosmo gets here.

He'll clean your clock-issimo!

Cosmo!

[light-hearted music]

- It's always been my dream to bark orders

at a bunch of pruny old women on a knitting cruise.

Work those glutes, you sassy lassies!

- I was a pointy hat. Now I'm a sassy lassie.

Lose the donut, Bernice!

You'll get the diabetes!

[whimsical kazoo notes]

- [off-key] ♪ It's me, ahoy, it's me

♪ As the French would say, oui, oui♪

♪ And in Spanish, it's si, si, si♪

- Ai, what is that horrible racket?

- Turn down your hearing aid. It takes the edge off.

[feedback squeals]

- This is awesome!

No line for the rock wall

or the zip line!

Yet, a very long line

for the bathroom and the free blood pressure test.

- They're giving out juice!

- [laughing]

Hello, sir.

I'll play you at the shuffleboard

for your fez and that senior scooter.

[horn beeping]

Like taking candy from a very old baby.

Best vacation ever!

- Citizen Timmy.

- Ahh! Oof.

- It is I, the cowled crusader of crime fighting: Catman.

- And then things took a very dark turn.

- You're darn right they did, Timmy.

My lady love Wondergal has wandered onto this cruise

with my best friend, Don.

Don and I took these just yesterday

at the Retirement Home of Justice luau night.

I can't believe he betrayed me.

He just doesn't have the aloha spirit, Timmy.

- I want you to listen very carefully, Catman.

Don is a ball of yarn!

[spy music]

- Uh-oh.

It's Wondergal and Don. Don't look.

Don lost weight.

He's slimmed down to woo my lady.

That's why he passed on the poi at the luau.

- He's yarn; he's just unraveling.

- I'm the one that's unraveling. [sobbing]

- You were never raveled!

- [sobbing] Oh, Timmy!

I need a redo on my updo

or your dad will never say, "I do."

I look like an old bat.

- Uh, no you don't, Mom. You look, uh...

- Out of the way, old bat!

- [screaming]

- Timmy, I'm miserable.

I'm on a knighting cruise

but I don't have a dragon to fight.

- Old bat overboard!

- Oh, hey, Catman.

I saw your babe making time with Don.

He slimmed down. I'd be worried.

- Cry, cry.

Sadness...

- Has anyone seen a dragon?

This knighting cruise stinks.

- Wanda, you sign this legally binding catering contract,

and we--I mean, you--will live happily ever after-issimo.

- That's a marriage license, you swine-issimo.

- Where are you going? I haven't finished my song!

♪ I'm Totally Chloe at sea

♪ I've never gotten a B

Come back!

- What does Don have that I don't?

Besides a rockin' bod.

[bawling]

- [indistinct]! - I'm sinking!

- This is the worst-issimo.

- Ugh, everyone's harshing my cruise ship vibe.

Cosmo!

I wish they were having fun.

- Hey, Wondergal, I'm glad we're on a cruise ship

because I want a relationship with you--wink, wink.

- That's the worse pickup line I've ever heard.

- Never fear, Wondergal.

Your purr-fect protector is here.

I'm about to swab your deck, Don.

- Not cool.

- Cosmo, Juandissimo tried to trick me into marrying him.

- You're single? You're quite a catch.

- I'm married! To you!

- Oh, okay. Then I should probably be upset.

You're gonna get it, Juandissimo.

Take him out, Bernice!

- Ahh!

That purse was filled with hard candies.

Ouch-issimo.

- Oh, no! Thunderbolt threw a shoe.

Now I'm gonna have to put him down.

- Still sinking!

Like a stone!

Wouldn't mind a little help.

- I'll save you, old bat!

- Ahh!

[heroic music]

You're my knight in shining armor.

- I'm not a real knight.

I didn't get to slay a dragon!

- [roaring]

- Oh, no. A dragon!

[high-pitched screams] Don't hurt me!

- We're gonna need a smaller dragon.

- Yeah, I mean, cower before my might, you vile monster.

- [growls]

- I'm a real knight!

- Of course you are, dear.

- [contented sigh] It's good to see everyone happy,

but I never got to sing to an audience

that wasn't sleeping or running away.

- Don't worry, Chloe.

I booked you a gig.

[wedding march]

- I now pronounce you a bunch of weirdoes and wives.

Hit it, Chloe!

- ♪ It's me, ahoy, it's me

♪ On this romantic day, I decree ♪

♪ It's me, it's Totally Chloe at sea ♪

Tuba solo!

[upbeat whimsical playing]

- Ooh, I'm bored being a knight.

I'm booking an astronaut cruise. [laughing]

- Aloha! They're poi in the pudding line!

[horn blows]

- This is Chet Ubetcha with breaking news.

Everybody who's anybody is here in the banquet room

of the Drowsy Truckers Motel

auditioning for the Dimmsdale's Got Talent talent show.

In related news, how'd I do?

- That was a brilliant audition.

Your knack for mundane description is sublime.

I laughed. I cried.

You've got talent. You're in the show.

- In breaking news, nailed it.

[microphone feeds back]

- Next!

- I'm Madame Sasha, the pet psycho.

- Don't you mean pet psychic, honey?

- Okay!

- Timmy, I'm kinda overstimulated.

I'm debuting my new one-woman show in front of a real audience

instead of just my parents

and my talking Dr. Doctor Maskowitz PhD LMFT!

The reviews have been mixed,

but I've used the constructive criticism

to really jazz things up.

- Yeah, I'm here just 'cause I've never been

to a flophouse before,

and now that I have, I can say sayonara, suckers.

- Timmy, wait!

You gotta audition.

The grand prize is a big balloon of yourself

in Dimmsdale's semiannual "We gotta have a parade

because we have all these big stupid balloons" parade!

- I've always wondered,

why do they keep making the balloons

if they only have the parade because they have the balloons?

- Wow, what a downer.

Show a little Dimmsdale pride, Wanda.

- Wait. A big balloon of myself?

I didn't know I wanted it, but now it's all I can think about!

- Madame Sasha the Psycho is getting a vision...

Mr. Weasel wants to go to medical school.

Ta-da!

- And how do you know he wants to go to medical school?

- How do you know he doesn't? Ta-da!

- Bravo. You've got talent.

You're in the show. Next.

- Brace yourself for the ventriloquist stylings

of Mr. Crocker and his dummy, Speckles,

who is not my nephew, Kevin.

- This makeup is giving me a rash, Uncle Danzo.

- Shut it, Cackles! I mean, Spevin!

You know what I mean!

- I'm telling my mom you're making me do this!

- Wow, Mr. Crocker, when Spevin talked, your lips never moved.

You've got talent. You're in the show.

- Way to set a low bar, Mr. Crocker.

With lame acts like this,

that parade balloon's got my name on it.

- Next up, we have an audition for a one-woman show.

- Ooh, that's me!

Finally I'll have the stage all to myself.

It is I, Chloe Carmichael,

here to present my new one-woman show...

So Very Chloe. - So Very Dad!

[together] What are you doing here?

You stole my act!

- Timmy's Dad, you can't do a one-woman show!

You're not a woman!

- Don't put me in a box!

- I'm seeing double!

Double genius! You've both got talent.

You're both in the show.

- [gasps] - Eee!

- Next!

The bucktooth boy with the fish.

Show me what you got.

- Oh, I got plenty.

Guys, what do I got? - You got us, Timmy.

Wanda, what do we got?

- We have my beautiful singing voice.!

- We got nothin', Timmy.

- Let's just sing.

We've gotta be better than Speckles and Sasha the Psycho.

- Blow my mind!

[thud]

[together] Stage fright!

- [beatboxing]

♪ This is the song we're singing ♪

♪ So I can have a big balloon

♪ But wait, why am I the only one singing ♪

[together] Stage fright!

- Wow.

The staring fish I get, but what is it you were doing?

Was that singing or a cry for help?

- Both?

- Fish, you've got talent.

You're in the show.

[kazoo trills]

Cry for help boy, sadly you don't got talent.

You're out. [beep]

- What? The fish didn't even do anything!

- But they sold it.

I've never seen such commitment to dull-eyed silence.

- I wanna be a big balloon.

On the upside, this is delicious pie.

- Wait a minute.

I do see something in you.

Turn towards the coffee pot. Now step and step and step....

and step...

now pick up that coffee pot and pour.

And stir, and smile, and sugar cubes, add one and two.

And big finish with a splash

of French Delight mocha toffee creamer.

- What am I doing?

- You're getting me coffee.

Your talent is being my personal assistant.

And scene!

That's all for now, cry for help boy.

- I can't believe my only talent is being Mr. Bickles' assistant.

I gotta have something else!

- Aw, sport, there's no reason to feel bad

just because you're devoid of talent on any level.

- Timmy, just kiss up to Mr. Bickles.

That way, if you stumble upon something

that you're actually good at, which could happen maybe,

he'll put you in the show.

- Thanks, guys. I think.

I'll do it.

- Congratulations, contestants.

The big show's tonight

and it's time to rehearse.

First act!

- I'm going to eat a pack of crackers

while my dummy Spevin-- I mean, Speckles--

whistles a jaunty tune.

Hit it, Speckles!

- I don't know how to whistle.

- Dang it! You could have told me this earlier!

Curse you, Speckles!

- Ooh, that Mr. Crocker is a wizard, Timmy.

How does he do it?

- He's not doing anything!

He's just spitting crackers at his nephew.

I know I can come up with a talent that's better than that.

- Well, probably not, which is why I want you to try

these remote control tap dancing shoes.

[musical flourish]

- Talent without effort? I'm in!

- Cry for help boy,

I need a half-caf, decaf, then re-caffed,

chilled, then heated, then re-chilled

nonfat latte with a caramel drizzle.

- Coffee and my new dance talent coming right up.

- Dance, little man!

- Whaaa!

- You're a disaster.

And you forgot my drizzle!

- Thanks for letting me be part of your act, Mom.

Next to you, I'll probably look talented.

- I knew you were gonna say that because...

I'm psycho.

- No, no, no, you mean...

Yes, you are.

- Dazzle me, troubadours of talent.

- Meet Mr. Mongoose and Mrs. Cobra.

They're natural enemies in the wild

but my psycho abilities

are telling me they want to be friends.

- I don't think that's what they're thinking, Mom.

- How do you know they're not? Ta-da!

- [screaming]

- Not crazy about the kid,

but like I always say,

I love me some snake and mongoose.

- This is Chet Ubetcha with breaking news.

Everybody who's anybody is in the banquet room

of the Drowsy Truckers Motel

for the Dimmsdale's Got Talent talent show.

- [snoring] BJ and the bear...

Smokey and the bandit...

[cheers and applause]

- This is it, people, dummies, and psychos.

It's show time!

- Tonight's D-list celebrity judges are...

Doug Dimmadone, the mayor,

and his curious life partner, Chompy the Goat.

In related news, that was my act.

What do you think?

- Chompy gives it two hooves down.

I would too if I had hooves.

- Doug Dimmadome thinks it was downright dimmit dumb.

One more act like that and I'm dimma-done with this show.

[crowd booing]

- This isn't going well.

I'm perspiring!

Cry for help boy!

I'm too stressed to chew my flax cookie.

Chew it for me!

- Ahh!

- Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to be knocked off your booties

by the whimsical shenanigans of Crocker and Speckles.

- Should be Speckles and Crocker.

I do all the work. - Well, don't tell them that.

I mean, no, you don't!

- If you're such a good ventriloquist,

make me say something!

- You know I can't!

I'm in this for the stupid balloon like everyone else!

You're the worst, Speckles!

[audience booing]

- That act was dimma-dumb.

- [chewing]

- This show's bombing.

I chew fast when I panic, so pick up the pace.

- [aggressive chewing]

- Good evening, audience.

It is I, Chloe Carmichael,

here to debut my one-woman show.

So Very Chloe. - So Very Dad!

[both scream] You're wearing my dress!

Get off the stage, Timmy's dress-wearing dad!

- Make me!

- Normally, I am not a fan of v*olence,

but every rule has an exception.

- [shrieks]

- ♪ Girl power

♪ This is my hour

[shrieks]

[clunky piano playing] - ♪ This is my hour

♪ It's Timmy's dad power [audience booing]

- Boo! This show is dimma-doo-doo.

- Probably a bad call to lure the audience in

with free rotten tomatoes.

- Chompy's live-bleating a scathing review

of this lack-of-talent show.

And it's being re-bleated by every goat in town.

- Oh, dear. It's always been my nightmare

to be live-bleat-shamed by a goat.

- Excuse me, angry audience!

My Kodiak bear as escaped and my psycho abilities

tell me he's looking to maul someone.

Ta-da! [laughs nervously]

- [roaring]

- [screaming]

[all screaming]

- Ahh!

Cosmo, Wanda, help!

- We'll save you, Timmy!

[together] Stage fright!

- Ahh! Oof!

Whaa!

Ahh!

- Hey, the screaming kid and the scary bear

aren't stinking up the joint.

- [bleats] - You're right, Chompy.

The bear stinks a little.

- This act is what the kids call dimma-dope!

- [grunting]

- [roaring]

[cheers and applause]

- I never thought I'd say this,

but you've got talent, cry for help boy.

[cheers and applause]

- ♪ So very Timmy

- I'm a big balloon!

- Twirling makes me tired.

Assistant, bring me a power muffin.

- I could have had my own balloon.

Curse you, Speckles!

[shrieks indistinctly]

- You're a disaster

and still no muffin!

- Mother!