01x12 - Morticia, the Matchmaker

[bunniefuu]

♪ They're creepy
and they're kooky

♪ Mysterious and spooky

♪ They're altogether ooky

♪ The Addams family
♪ The house is a museum

♪ When people come to see 'em

♪ They really are a scream

♪ The Addams family

Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

♪ So get a witch's shawl on

♪ A broomstick you can crawl on

♪ We're gonna pay a call on

♪ The Addams family ♪

Lovely day, isn't it?

Yes.

The chill goes
right through you.

Look at them.

Oh, they have such
good times together.

Well, here we are.

Is this the Addams house?

Yep. Are you sure this is
the place you wanna go to?

Why, yes.

Okay. You know,
it's not too late.

I could still take
you back into town

and turn you over to those
Travelers Aid. No, thank you.

Okay, lady.

I wonder who that could be?

It may not be a who.
It may be a what.

You optimist.

A relative.

Morticia? It's me.

Cousin Melancholia!

Oh, darling!

Gomez, you remember Melancholia.

Who could forget that face?

I know I should have called,

but everything happened so fast.

Everything? It's Fred.

My intended. He jilted you.

Well, I can't really say.

He just took back
his ring, sold his farm

and joined the Foreign Legion.

That is kind of indefinite.

I just didn't know what to do.

I'm glad you came to
us in your hour of trial.

And you remember Mama?

I always said that you'd
grow up to be a beauty.

Oh, Mama, you
haven't changed a bit.

And you haven't lost
a bit of your looks.

The vain old thing takes
hours to get herself together.

It certainly shows.

Darling, why don't you
go upstairs and freshen up

and we'll talk
it all over later.

Follow me.

Oh.

It's so good to be
where you feel at home.

I'd better make her a nice
hot cup of henbane juice.

Thank you, Mama.

Gomez, is there anything we
can do to help Melancholia?

Well, if we can't
help her, who can?

We have to find her a man.

But where?

Darling, you have so many
vast business interests,

you must know someone.

Well, let's see now.

There's old Charlie
Carlisle the accountant.

No, he's dead.

He wouldn't be right.

Melancholia needs someone
dashing, handsome, charming.

Like you, darling.

Carinito, you're
really making it tough.

Now, now, now, Cleopatra,

you're much too
young to take tea.

Yes, indeed. That's right.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, she'd make a perfect wife.

Yes, I see.

Uh-huh.

Well, then, it's obvious I
have the wrong number.

Any luck?

Seven refusals.

Fortunately, three of
them were wrong numbers.

We just have to keep trying.

What about Ed Franzen, the fellow
who works at the monument company?

Much too flighty. You're right.

Even when he's carving those
inscriptions he can't stop giggling.

Darling, have you
tried your salt mine?

No, by Jove!

They used to have a pretty
lively crowd down there.

I just know this is gonna work.

It's got to, I'm running
out of companies.

Hello? Sutton? Addams here.

Say, we've got a
ravishing young cousin here

who's just dying
for some company.

Oh, well, thanks anyway.

Keep the salt rolling.

Nothing? Nothing.

But don't despair,
we'll find someone.

How about a marriage broker?

Capital idea! I
know just the one.

Hasty Marriage. Mmm-hmm.

The same one we
got for Cousin Gripe.

Hasty Marriage?

How are you fixed for grooms?

Really?

He says they've got a complete
selection. How romantic.

Tell them to send over a few,

and then Melancholia
can take her pick.

How about sending
over a few samples?

Oh, you know, one tall,
one short, one fat, one thin.

Uh, uh, better
make that two thins.

The name is Addams.

Hello?

Hello?

I think we were disconnected.

It's just as well. I think we
should get one of our own.

You're right, we should.

Lurch.

Oh, dear, not Lurch.

He's such a playboy.

That's all an act. You'll see.

You rang?

Lurch, have you
ever given thought to

the blissful joys of marriage?

You see? Underneath that
devil-may-care, he's a sentimental softie.

Lurch, we have a
lovely girl for you.

Sweet, soft and soulful.

I thought you wanted
him for Melancholia.

I'm talking about Melancholia.

Now, now, Lurch,
control yourself.

You mustn't appear overanxious.

Now, about the wedding date.

Obviously he prefers
a long engagement.

Nonsense.

Two people so ideally
suited. Why wait?

How about eloping tonight?

Please.

Well, it is a bit hasty.
How about tomorrow night?

We'll all go together.

We'll make it a combination
elopement and picnic.

Darling, somehow I don't think Lurch
takes to the idea of an elopement.

All right, forget the elopement,
we'll just go on the picnic.

It's a lovely idea!

But I do believe Melancholia
would rather be married.

No.

By Jove, Morticia, I'm beginning
to believe you were right.

He is a playboy.

Very well, Lurch, you may go.

But, remember, there will
never be another Melancholia.

Never.

They would have
made a lovely couple.

I just love weddings.

They always make me cry.

Oh, thank you, Thing.

Thing?

Have you ever given thought
to the blissful joys of marriage?

The Things of today.

Forget it.

I think Melancholia would
prefer a professional man.

A doctor. Or a lawyer.

No, no, no. Not me.

I will not go back to that
Addams house, never.

But a deal like this.

Think of your wife and children.

I have no wife and children.

Then think of mine.

This deal could mean millions.

Not worth it.

Come on now,
Harvey, you have to.

This is the chief reason I
brought you back into the firm.

You're the only lawyer in our office
who's had any contact with them.

I would rather have contact
with a nest of scorpions.

Oh, come on, now.

So the family is
a little eccentric.

The point is we
have a job to do.

If it means going back to that
house, I am not going to do it.

What am I asking you to do?

An important client wants
something Addams has.

All you have to do is go over
there and discuss it with him.

Go on, make an appointment.

I knew I could depend on you.

Mr. Addams, please.

Oh, he's not home? The whole
family's gone on a world cruise?

The whole family's
gone on a world

cruise.

Try it now.

First I need a good stiff drink.

It's no use, I can't
find a man anywhere.

Oh, poor Melancholia.

Doomed to spinsterhood.

Oh, Melancholia, darling,

we were just talking about you.

I know. Nobody wants me.

Oh, what nonsense.

No. I'm cursed.

Fred isn't the first
tragedy in my life.

I got as far as the
altar with Elmer.

What happened?

I got there but Elmer didn't.

He just ran off.

Foreign Legion?

South America.

That is better climate.

Well, darling, it's obvious.

They felt unworthy.

Hello?

Yes, this is Mrs.
Addams speaking.

Oh, hello, Mr. Harvey.

Just a moment.

Darling, it's that nice
young lawyer, Mr. Harvey.

He wants to talk to you.

Not now, this is
all too disturbing.

Mr. Harvey, I'm afraid Mr. Addams
can't come to the phone right now.

He's involved in a
little family problem.

Oh, I see. Well, I'm sure an old
bachelor like myself can't be of any help.

Bye.

It's no use.

He didn't even get on the phone.

Your problem is solved.

Mama! What in the world?

Love dust. Don't you remember?

Worked wonders
for you and Gomez.

Oh, of course. How
thoughtful of you, Mama.

It'll bring the men howling.

Are you sure?

Well, we'd better
use a double dose.

There, that ought to do it.

Thank you, Mama.

What's so funny?

Gomez, she's crying.

Oh.

Darling, don't you worry,
we'll find you a man.

You may have to lower
your standards a bit.

Oh, I feel just awful
bothering you two.

And interfering
with your business.

You probably offended that man.

Oh, no, Mr. Harvey's
very understanding,

even though he is a bachelor.

Yes, he's a very...

Bachelor! Bachelor!

Yes?

Oh, of course.

Mr. Addams.

Look, I don't want to impose.

Impose?

My dear fellow, to you the
Addams home is Liberty Hall.

It's just a little
business matter.

Excellent. Plan
to stay all evening.

Thank you.

Well, how does it look?

Wonderful.

Mr. Harvey is a very
suave, sophisticated man.

So let's get rid of these
homey things, shall we?

You can wear anything
of mine that you like.

Oh, they're gorgeous!

Oh, Cousin Morticia,
y-you're too generous.

Darling, what's family for?

Now come along to the mirror.

I want to pluck your eyebrows.

When I finish with you you
won't recognize yourself.

Uh, is Mr. Harvey a
real good friend of yours?

Oh, yes.

He's a little bit
shy and reserved.

I'm afraid you'll have
to take him in hand.

In both hands.

Are you sure he'll come?

He's probably

dying to come.

They're not home.
Well, some other time.

Harvey, old man!

So good to see you again.

Nice to be back.

Lurch, a drink for our friend.

Oh, thank you, I...
I... I'm not thirsty.

Nonsense, it's
something special.

The Vat '68.

Look, Mr. Addams, I don't
wanna take up your time.

I know you're a very busy man.

But all we want is an option

on an itty-bitty, worthless
piece of African land you've got.

Worthless? With all those
fine subterranean bat caves?

Come, come, Harvey,
you're not talking to a child.

Ah, here we are.

Superb.

Really, I... I don't
want any of that.

Please, Harvey, I
never drink alone.

Besides, you look as
though you can use a drink.

You must've had
a pretty hard day.

Oh, the day was all
right. It's the night.

Well, drink up,
there's plenty more.

I'll bet.

It really hits the spot.

Harvey, you're not drinking.

Wait. Now we have
something to drink to.

To the ladies.

Ever seen two lovelier girls?

I know the one on
the right is your wife.

But what is...
Who's the other one?

That's Mrs. Addams'
cousin, Melancholia.

You like her?

Oh, yes, she's lovely.

Good. She's your date.

Am I dead?

Of course not, silly.

Oh, too bad.

Where are the others?

They thought we'd
like to be alone.

I don't know about
we, but I would.

I've got to put
something in my car.

Something in your car?

What? Me.

Out for a little air, old man?

This has been a rather
heady experience.

You gave us quite a scare.

I gave you a scare?

I thought I was gonna be a
widow before I was a bride.

I beg your pardon?

Melancholia does that to a man.

But don't you worry about it.

You'll feel a lot better when you
get some food in your stomach.

Mama is cooking
up a real surprise.

I am so hungry I
could eat a wolf.

Gomez, you guessed it!

Superb dinner.

That belladonna sauce
really brings out the flavor.

You didn't eat much, Harvey.

The excitement.

Love is that way.

I suddenly felt all chilled
and goosebumpy, too.

Well, a little bicarb
and you'll be fine.

Would you two
lovebirds like to dance?

No, thank you. Love to.

Only first I have
to fix my face.

Now, if you'll just look
over these contracts...

What was that?

Love dust. Mama is
an incurable romantic.

All she ever thinks
about is love, love, love.

Well, all I ever think about is
business, business, business.

Excellent, a woman
needs a good provider.

Especially Melancholia.

She's a bit
extravagant, I'm afraid.

But she's so much in
love she's about to burst.

Well, that would
solve everything.

I mean, your
cousin's a lovely girl.

Too lovely for just one man.

So why don't I
call you tomorrow?

Uh, we can talk over
the deal on the phone.

You wanted something, sir?

Just out.

Oh, nonsense, the evening
is just getting underway.

I'm back.

You see?

Oh, Melly. You
light up the room.

I am sure you and Melancholia
have lots of things to talk about.

So why don't you just sit down?

But watch him, Melly
darling, he's a charmer.

He's one of our most
dashing bachelors.

Is that nice, Mr. Harvey?

When did you decide
to become a bachelor?

Just tonight. Now,
about this deal...

My! You're a jumpy one.

Uh, Mr. Addams, it
seems they've discovered

oil on your game
preserve in Nairobi.

Did you say oil?

Oh, just a few drops.

Oh, Gomez, Mr. Harvey doesn't
want to talk about any old oil.

But I do, I do!

Oh, I can't wait to hear
him say that to a preacher.

Now, if you'll just
sign right here...

I have to think
about it, Harvey.

After all, I do owe
something to the bats.

But we don't want all of it.

Just one teeny little well.

Oh, Gomez, give it to him.

Nairobi's such a romantic place.

Those lovely nights
with the hyenas howling.

Makes a perfect
spot for a honeymoon.

You're so right, Mrs. Addams,
you really have a good business...

Honeymoon? Whose honeymoon?

Why, yours and Melancholia's.

Provided she accepts
your proposal. I accept.

Welcome to the
family, old man. But...

No buts. I'll take these into
the library and look them over.

In the meantime,
you two can go in

the conservatory
and make your plans.

We'll drink a toast to
the bride and groom.

You rang?

Champagne for the
newlyweds, Lurch.

Mr. Addams, maybe I better go with you
and, and explain some of those clauses.

And leave your love-starved
little dream girl all alone?

Nonsense.

But...

Don't they make a
handsome couple?

He's a man, she's a
woman. Perfect match.

Hard to believe we just met.

This whole evening has
been pretty unbelievable.

Don't you think it's fate?

No. Just my luck.

Oh, what a lovely thing to say!

Kiss me.

Kiss you?

You don't want me to tell
Gomez you're afraid, do you?

No, no, please, let's
keep him out of this.

Well, then.

Kiss me. I'll keep
my eyes closed.

Is it all right if I
close mine, too?

Of course, silly.

Oh, no!

You are a bashful boy.

Maybe this will cure you.

I just love weddings, don't
you, darling? Mmm-hmm.

They're so romantic.

Out of my way.

All right, where is she?

Who are you? Gomez Addams here.

Never mind that,
where's Melancholia?

Fred. I thought you'd
joined the Foreign Legion.

Not the Foreign
Legion, you rock-head.

The American Legion.

But, dear, you
took the ring back.

I had to. Your finger
was turning green.

I brought you a nice brass one.

Oh, thank you!

Oh, uh, Ralph, this
is my fiance, Fred.

Uh, Fred, this is
my fiance, Ralph.

You mean I'm gonna
have to fight for you?

Oh, no, no.

Okay.

This is so romantic.

Come on.

Uh, thanks for the hospitality.

Well!

Oh, Mr. Harvey?
Mr. Harvey. Wake up.

Wake up, Mr. Harvey.

Am I still alive? Very much.

And here are the signed
papers. You've got a deal.

Don't you worry about
that ungrateful Melancholia.

I've got lots of cousins.

I have to get this nice
and clean for Pugsley.

What is it? A telescope?

An African blowgun.

That reminds me.

Do you miss Melancholia?

No, indeed, my dear,
I'm glad she's gone.

Ungrateful wench.

Now, now, remember
blood is thicker than water.

Thank heaven.

She certainly wasn't
the right girl for Harvey.

He's a nice man, isn't he?

Yes, indeed. I ought to give
him more of my legal business.

I think that's an excellent
idea. Why don't you call him?

I think I'll do that.

There. It's all finished.

What do you think, darling?

Do you think Uncle Crimp
will like his new sweater?

I hope so. Looks
like a perfect fit.

Mr. Harvey, please.

Oh, I see.

He's left town.

For long?

I'm afraid so.

He's joined the Foreign Legion.