01x03 - Blue Bloods

[bunniefuu]

Well, that's the last of Dad's stuff.

It doesn't spark joy,
which is why I'm getting rid of it.

It's the same reason
I got rid of your father.

Jesus, Mom, harsh.

Are you talking about me?

I'm not dealing with this!

I'm filled with light and love.

Light and love, assh*le!

Oh, the hell you are!

Okay, I kind of get it.

Luckily, divorcing your father this year
has finally given me time

to transform my pain into art.

"Knight of Passion,
a sexventure by Tamiko Ridley."

"One woman's erotic personal journey

divorcing her narcissist husband

and dealing with a daughter
with Asperger's."

Wait, what the hell?
You think I have Asperger's?

- No.
- Oh, okay.

See, you couldn't tell I was lying.

You ought to look that condition up.
It gets worse over time.

Ciao, darling!

How was she? Did she look unhappy?

How fulfilled did she look, physically?

She's still Mom,

undercutting my confidence
in ways I didn't know existed.

Man, what is all this stuff?

My old inventions.

Remember that robot
teddy bear I invented for you?

And here's
that pair of walkie-talkie headgear.

Remember your third grade photo?

Ugh! Dad, I can't keep track
of every traumatizing thing you invented.

What's this?

Eh. Probably a garage door opener.

Three, two, one.

Sorry I'm late.
I've dealt with nuclear standoffs

less stressful than my parents' divorce.

Ooh, girl, your eyes are sunken.

You look like if Steve Buscemi
made it with Steve Buscemi. You okay?

Guys, I'm honestly fine.

I've been channeling my stress
into this scream bag

and into my latest invention.

Behold, the Productivitron.

- Oh God, robot arms!
- Christ Almighty!

I'm still working out the kinks,

but it's a set of bio-cranial robot arms
that will increase my productivity 600%!

Now I can simultaneously finish paperwork,
ignore my dad's texts,

and, you know,
strangle anyone who crosses me, I guess.

Every day you edge closer
to becoming a supervillain.

Oh God, what's that?

Is it a nuclear disaster?

No, it's even worse! It's a PR disaster!

I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
This is a 13-alarm crap fire.

I accidentally hit "reply all"
to a company-wide email

where I made
a very un-PC joke about reptoids.

Question. What is reptoids?

Oh, just your classic
shape-shifting lizard people

that live in secret amongst humanity.

Mm-hmm.
We're talking politicians, celebrities.

Madonna's an iguana?

Reptoids provide
a lot of our company's funding,

and in exchange, we prevent the world
from doing anything about global warming

to keep them at their preferred body heat.

The system works.

If we wanna keep this year's funding,

we need to kiss ass
at their annual Reptoid Gala

to get them to sign this contract.

It's being held
at their stronghold at Yale.

Ah, I remember my days at Yale.

I was the most popular guy in my frat.

They hazed me every year.

Sounds like they hated you?

Nice haze burn, Andre.
You must really like me.

Do I have to go?

Follow-up question.
Do I have to wear a dress?

Follow-up to the follow-up.
Does it have to be a stain-free dress?

No, you can't recycle

your old Space Jam prom dress
yet again, Reagan.

This is serious.

What? That dress is awesome.

And if you don't agree, you're a Mon...

Monstar. Yeah, yeah.

Normal dress!

And for the love of God, comb your hair.

It's a sign of respect.

Why should we give
those reptoid freaks respect?

Half-man, half-animal. They're disgusting!

Easy, big guy. Have a mackerel.

Glenn, that's exactly the kind
of no-no talk that could end our funding,

which is why I've signed you all up
for reptoid sensitivity training.

Training? Hell yeah.

Who's ready to get some reps in?

Oh no.

Is "reps" offensive to say?

Hi, everyone.
Welcome to Inhuman Resources.

I'm Mr. Mothman.

I'm a Mothman.

Let's talk about reptoids.

Be sure to follow these dos and don'ts
to avoid a diplomatic incident.

Do offer them a cricket,
mouse, or vole out of your pocket.

Fun fact about voles,

a vole ate my father.

Don't use loaded phrases like "hissy fit,"

or "see you later, alligator."

Got it. Be respectful.
So when do we talk about the orgies?

- Boo!
- Oh, come on!

What? Everyone knows
reptoids have orgies.

Sign me up. I love sex,
and I am f*cking good at it.

This is okay to say in here, right?

This is an HR meeting!

Andre, Myc, shut the hell up,
or I will castrate you.

Ha! Good luck figuring out
which one of my tentacles is a d*ck.

Trick question, it's all of them.

As a final training step,

we're gonna practice
the traditional reptoid greeting,

a firm, nonsexual hug to transfer warmth.

Hugs! This is my jam.

Hug? Like, with... with our bodies
touching other people's bodies?

Mmm. Oh that's nice.

Mmm. Huh, back for seconds?

- You okay, Reagan?
- Yeah, I'm... I'm just... I'm... I'm fine.

I'm ju... I'm practicing a hug
that a normal person would do.

What was that?

I... I don't know.

Elliot Mothman,
you need to finish your master's

and get the f*ck out of this office.

Brett, congratulations.

As the one person
who didn't as*ault anyone,

physically or sexually, in that meeting,

I want you to give the ceremonial toast
at the gala tonight.

Nice!

And, Reagan,
whatever this problem is, fix it.

We can't risk an episode like this
in front of the reptoids.

I am so sorry about that.
I don't know what came over me.

My body just auto-punched
when I felt that hug close in.

- I'm done listening now.
- What the hell is wrong with me?

Yeah, not gonna lie, even for you,
that's Reaganier than usual.

Maybe you should tell J.R.
you're gonna sit this one out.

Brett, I'm going to this g*dd*mn party.
I'm gonna figure this out and prove

that I am not the socially inept weirdo
that everyone thinks I am.

Diggity denial. I love it.

Bullshit, lies, slander!

This novel is
all thinly veiled horny criticism

of our lives.

Oh, you found Mom's book.

Listen to this.

"Lord Randrew was a terrible husband
and an even worse father."

Me? A bad dad?

Would a bad dad make his little girl this?

Ugh. Why are you putting
that horror show back together?

To set the record straight.
I took care of your every need,

and I have a whole box
of inventions to prove it.

Look at this!
Boy-repelling pheromone spray, huh?

Who needs birth control now?

The Britney Spears perfume you gave me
was literal boy repellent?

Yep. See? Any time you had a problem,
I invented something to fix it.

"Invented something to fix it."

This place smells like
Teslas and inbreeding.

Ooh, boy.

This fungi
is ready for fun, guys!

What was that?

Nothing.
Who's ready to partay?

Now, remember, everyone,
we need that contract, so no slipups.

Don't point and stare.
Don't touch their throat sacs.

And if a lizard asks you your favorite
Hogwarts house, what do you say?

- Slytherin!
- Hufflepuff. I mean, Slytherin.

Oh, honey, you ain't fooling anybody.

Password.

Oh hell, it's something in Latin, I think.

Uh, dra... draconius pluribus... I don't know.

Look, here's how much money's
in my bank account.

Welcome.

Welcome to the other side.

You wanna talk about connections?
These preptiles literally have blue blood.

This is incredible.

I can't believe who's secretly a reptoid.

Anderson Cooper? Taylor Swift?

So the song "Shake It Off" was about
how I shed my skin every thousand years,

and the song "Bad Blood" was about

how I drink blood
out of my Grammys.

A toast to blood!

Save some blood for Paul Rudd!

So that's why Paul Rudd never ages.

Oh, oh, look. Sex masks. It's happening.

Reagan, did you take care
of your hug problem?

Let's just say I've got it in the bag.

Unless you have 30 years of therapy
in there, I'm skeptical.

I'm going to find the diplomats.
Brett, practice your speech.

Glenn, don't say anything r*cist.

Gigi, make sure Glenn
doesn't say anything r*cist.

Just like Mel Gibson's Hanukkah special.

Got it.

And Reagan...

Reagan?

Prepare to interact socially.

Reaction hologram on.

I am reacting appropriately

to the thing you just said.
Small talk acknowledged.

Eh, that's a bit much.
But these work!

Ha ha! Who's an antisocial weirdo now?

Not the girl who invented robot arms
to hug strangers.

Oh my God, I sound insane.

Ah, Yale. I've gone from public streaker
to public speaker.

If only my frat brothers could see me now.

Handjob?

PJ? Skwoo?

Up, down, roofie, roofie,

become a Supreme Court justice.

And nut punch!

Oh man, I haven't been punched
in the nuts in years.

What are you two doing here?

Don't you know this event is for...

...izard-lay eople-pay?

So about that...

What? You guys
were reptoids all this time?

Why didn't you tell me?
I'm your frat brother.

I gave you my kidney.

And it was delicious.

Honestly, we only revealed our secrets
to brothers who reached level six.

You never got that high.

Guys, I'm Brett Hand, campus legend.

Whatever it takes, I'm getting that ring.

I don't know. I mean,
first you'd have to prove your loyalty

by stripping down and...

Wow, you just didn't even wait for me
to finish my sentence.

Let the hazing begin!

Reagan, there you are.

Try not to look like
you're getting a colonoscopy.

I need to find the reptoid honchos and...

- J.R.
- Ah!

Oh!
There you are, you old rascals.

Reagan,
meet my favorite reptoidsentatives,

Barb Shrike and Zarthax Griswold Walton
of the Reptoid High Council.

Good evening, Your, uh, Lizardness.

Oh, we're not that important.

It's not like we control the world... yet!

You know, all this laughing
is putting me in a contract-signing mood.

I've got next year's budget right here

if you wanna just
give her the old John Hancock.

Not so fast, J.R.

Don't think we missed
your hilarious email.

If you want us to embrace your funding,

we need to know
that your company takes us seriously.

We absolutely do.

Right, Reagan?

Uh...

Well, that was an impressively firm hug.

I think you might have popped
a disc back into place.

Oh, my turn.

Wow, can you be my chiropractor?

Not for free, I can't.

She gets it.
And I absolutely love your skin.

How do you get it that scaly?

Hey, f*ck you... using moisturizer!

The drier the better, right, baby?

Mmm, I like this one.

J.R., let's talk contracts
after the ceremony.

And make sure you bring her.

Ha! I did it! I think I just conquered
my weird mental hang-up

without any self-examination.

- Yeah!
- You're a hit!

Ooh, let me introduce you to Al Gore.

My real name is Alligator Gore.

- Huh?
- Oh. Come on, man. Where's the action?

I'm peaking. I don't wanna miss this.

One of these has gotta be
the secret door. Okay, what is it?

Secret door, secret door...

Ugh, these are just actual books.

Books are like the opposite of sex!

This place is such a croc tease.

Harder, my bros!

Whoo.
Yeah, you got it.

Don't patronize me, Skwoo.
Make me earn it.

Eh, you're right.
We've been holding back on you.

Uh, it's time to take you
to the Chamber of Secrets.

Reveal your secrets to the chamber.

Here's one. Um, I stay awake at night...

...because I don't even know
what my favorite color is,

and I'm afraid I don't have
a real personality.

Wow, that is dark.

Speaking of dark,
catch you on the other side.

Hiss, hiss. So lovely to meet you.

Lovely.

Reagan, you're the life of this party.

That's the most natural smile
I've ever seen out of Mark Zuckerberg.

Huh. You never should've doubted me, J.R.

With this brain and these arms,
I can do literally anything.

Everyone to the main stage.
The celebration is about to begin!

Boo! Go back to your terrariums!

All rise for the reptilian anthem!

Let's get down to lizness.

We reptoids have had a great decade.

Thanks to propaganda in the media,

we have made society
more tolerant of our kind,

from the Geico Gecko
to The Shape of Water.

We even got K. Rool in Smash!
We did it, everyone!

The world temperature is rising.

The time is coming, brethren.

Soon we shall fulfill the prophecy,

overthrow humanity,
and become the true rulers of the world!

They say that every year,
but they're never gonna do it.

And now, a look back
at the reptoids we lost this year.

♪ Oh oh ♪

It's almost time for the speech.

Where's Brett?

Oh man,
I can't wait till I get to level six.

I bet that's when they let you
into the group text chat.

Hey, my blindfold!

Oh my God! Oh my God!

He's just as pathetic
as he was in college.

Hey, hey. Who am I? Who am I?

Uh, I think I'm popular,
but nobody can stand me.

Brett Hand.

Ooh!

He got it! He got it!

Bros? But I thought I was a legend.

Maybe you'll be my friends.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Rats!

Rats are biting my d*ck!

...soon hear
from our human partner.

This is a disaster. Brett's missing!

And I can't give the speech,
because I spilled dip on my crotch,

and I cannot stand up!

Reagan, I need you to give the speech.

What, me?

You said it yourself.
You've conquered all your issues.

- But...
- Go, go! You're going to crush it.

And now, please give a warm welcome
to Cognito Inc.

Ah! What is up, reptoids?

Anybody here from a... a subterranean lair?

But seriously,

reptoids, humans, we're not so different.

We all have hearts, minds, um,

cloacas?

I do have a cloaca.

Sure, we may have messed up in the past

but not as bad as those idiot Atlantians.

f*ck Atlantis!

Oh my God.

I'm Reagan Ridley,

and on behalf of Cognito Inc.,

let us raise a glass
to our continued alliance.

Oh, thank Christ.

Reagan Ridley from Cognito Inc., everyone.

Ha! Bring it in, buddy.

That's too tight. Help.

- You're crushing me!
- Wait, sorry. Let me just... Reverse!

Oh God, my arms! My arms!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

She's trying to run! Grab her!

Sorry! I didn't mean that!

Hmm.

Huh?

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

We're not friends at all!

Go, go, go!

Are you also being chased
by a horde of rats?

What? No. Why are you naked?

Tonight was complicated!

Please don't cut our funding.
I have mistresses to feed.

Funding?

After what just happened, you're lucky
we don't launch w*r on humanity right now.

There's gotta be a way out of this.
What about a human sacrifice, huh?

I carry a saber of sacrifice at all times.

This is a disaster. Where's Reagan?

The heir
to the Griswold Walton fortune

was rushed to the hospital tonight
after having his arms brutally ripped off.

He had this to say.

The lizard army
will bathe in the blood of man!

In other news,
global temperature raised

one degree today.

Well, I'm definitely
a fugitive from the law now.

I don't know why I can't hug anyone
without losing my f*cking mind.

You know, Reagan,
I get mad social anxiety too,

but talking about it with my therapist
has cut my panic att*cks in half!

Brap, brap, brap!

Are you saying that I should...

...talk about my feelings?

When's the last time
you were hugged? Hit me.

The last time I was hugged was...

Huh.

Wow, I actually can't remember.

That's really weird, right?

You'll figure it out. You always do.

Just like I'm gonna figure out
a way to impress PJ and Skwoo

and get to level six,

because I need everyone to like me,
and I freak out if they don't.

Brett, why do you care about those guys?

They pushed you in a ventilation shaft
and covered you with rats.

Yeah, but isn't that what friends do?

No. Friends give each other rides
and good advice.

Come out with your hands up,
you pink-fleshed m*therf*ckers!

You tell 'em, Bill.

Thanks so much. Be kind to one another.

Okay.

Time to load up my Emmy cannon.

I'll take my tea
in the panic room, thank you.

Anderson Cooper coming to you live from...

Uh, sorry, one moment.

Coming to you live
from the Reptoid Supreme Court.

Well, Reagan, the bad news is,

if you lose this trial, it may mean w*r.

The good news is, I got you
the best lawyer who cost us nothing.

Don't worry about it, honey.
I can convince anyone of anything.

Just today,
I convinced myself I was a lawyer.

Please welcome
our high justice of the Reptoid Court,

the immortal queen of darkness herself,

Judge Judy!

Judge Judy!

Thank you, bailiff.
I have a sh**t in 20 minutes,

so let's make this quick.
What are the charges?

Your Honor,
Ms. Ridley ripped off our leader's arms

in an act of hostile bigotry
towards reptoids.

- Boo!
- Boo!

This true? You rip his arms off?

Yes, technically. But...

All right, rip her arms off
and call it even. Thank you.

Your Honor, please.

I intend to prove that my client might be,
damn, weird as sh*t,

but she doesn't discriminate.
She's like that to everybody.

The defense calls Brett Hand!

Oh yeah, Reagan can't hug anybody.

See this bruise on my face?

That's from one of her hugs,
and we're friends.

I don't wanna diagnose,
but maybe Asperger's?

Oh, come on!

I plead the Fifth

and the Second!

She's always had
the hots for me but won't admit it.

I mean, can you believe that?

She's on her 95th HR violation.

But who's counting?

Me, I'm counting. Mr. Mothman is counting.

I think this is working.

Yeah,
I love this. It feels great.

Sorry I'm late.

A father should never miss
his daughter's first sentencing.

On the bright side, I finally finished
reassembling Bear-o, so...

...that's something.

You brought that thing?

Dad, this is serious.

I could be going to jail for a long time,

all because for some mysterious reason,

I am unable to f*cking hug.

Hello, Reagan.
Would you like to give Bear-o a hug?

A hug, a hug, a...

Uh-oh. Someone needs a hug.

There, there.
It's me, Bear-o. Initiating hug.

No, Bear-o!

- Initiating hug.
- Agh! Bear-o!

- Initiating hug.
- Agh! Bear-o!

- Initiating hug.
- No, Bear-o!

Initiating hug.

Holy sh*t. You never hugged me.

You made a robot bear do it instead.

And I was so traumatized
that I repressed the memory for years!

That's why I can't hug anyone
without losing my sh*t!

Order! Ms. Ridley.

Your Honor, allow me to call
Rand Ridley to the stand.

I swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth,
so help me Godzilla 2000.

Would you call yourself a good father?

I gave you a roof and stellar genetics,

so despite what you may read
in any poorly written airport rags,

yeah, I was a good father.

I even created this amazing robot

so it could hug you
whenever I wasn't around,

which was always.

What, people?
That touchy-feely crap makes you weak.

My outside-the-box parenting

raised a girl who's strong enough
to nearly m*rder a diplomat.

Bear-o is proud of Reagan.

Oh, shut the f*ck up, Bear-o.

Your shitty parenting
messed me up for life,

and now I guess I'm broken forever.

Hey, look, you know,
family is an experiment.

And maybe not all my experiments
are perfect.

I guess we could give this a try.

All right. I mean,
is this doing anything for you?

- No, not really.
- Yeah, it feels weird.

- Right? That's what I'm saying.
- Super forced.

Why do people do this?

That helped.

Well, I've seen enough.

Ms. Ridley, you've clearly learned
some bad habits from this man.

I'm surprised
you don't rip everyone's arms off.

But I can't just let you off the hook,

so I'm sentencing
you to court-ordered therapy

in the form of...

...the traditional reptoid group hug.

Wait, what's this now?

I'm deciding this is okay.

Oh God, this is an orgy, isn't it?

Oh yes. Yes, it is!

Gavel. Give me the gavel.

Give me the gavel!

This is it. It's happening.

Hello, HR.
Who's ready for some gross misconduct?

Incoming!

Hey, guys, wait for...

You know what? No.

I don't need to have sex
with 100 strangers just to fit in,

'cause I have a new frat now, Cognito Inc.

I'm gonna watch though. I have questions.

Zarthax, I hope
you'll accept these as an apology.

They might be helpful
till your real ones grow back.

Well, these will do nicely.

What do you say, J.R.? Ready to re-up?

Really? After all this?

Business is business.

We were hoping you'd found an upgrade
since Rand's departure,

and as far as we can tell, you have.

Maybe physical boundaries are good.
Maybe no one should touch each other ever.

Want a ride, kiddo?

Yeah, I'll take a ride.

Hey, Dad, I just wanted to say...

...I tolerate you.

I tolerate you too, kiddo.

- So, one question.
- Please don't ask me if you're a good dad.

Eh? I was gonna ask
if you think I could pull off a goatee.

Of course I'm a good dad.

- I just saved your ass.
- No, I saved my ass.

- Okay, well...
- Is anyone taping this?

Just kidding. I am.

I'm sorry, sir,
but you tested positive for iguanarrhea.

- m*therf*cker!
- I wasn't done.

Iguanarrhea, clawmydia, sssyphilis,

scalebies, expl*sive cloaca disease.

Oh yeah, and mushroom herpes.

Wait. What was that last one?