01x04 - Sex Machina

[bunniefuu]

And one thing led to another,

and now I'm gonna have to find
a new pool boy.

You hooked up with the guy
who cleans your drains?

Let's just say Rodrigo
did a very thorough job.

Shame I'm dumping him for his cousin.

Oh hey, now that he's available,

he can be your plus-one
to my next book signing.

Why would I wanna date
your hand-me-down boy toy?

I don't wanna sound elitist,
but he's covered in vegetable oil.

You haven't had a serious boyfriend
since college, and it's worrying.

I'm single by choice,

because I have a fulfilling career
where I am doing really important things.

In conclusion,
by duct-taping a bunch of drones together,

you get the Drone Throne!

God bless America!

Great news, everyone!

We've officially purchased
the dating app RightSwipe.

We now have a blackmailer's ransom
in personal data.

Oh my God,

it's every profile in DC.

Including Myc's?

Huh, "Mold diggers swipe left."

Andre identifies as alwayssexual?

Surprise, surprise,
it says Gigi's attracted to power.

Power is attracted to me, honey.

With all this user data,
we finally have enough d*ck pics

to blackmail the two remaining branches
of government...

Ugh!

...we don't control.
Reagan, I want you working late

sorting through these dicks.

Yes, sir.

Three-to-one odds
it's the first d*ck she's seen in months.

- Oh, I'll take that action.
- Oh, hell yeah, that's easy money.

What the hell? What is that?

Are you betting on my dating life?

More like winning on your dating life.

- Four-to-one she dies alone.
- Sorry, Reagan, nothing personal.

Well, we're gambling
on when you'll finally get a boyfriend...

...so I guess
it's incredibly personal.

Ugh, why is everyone
so obsessed with me getting a boyfriend?

Wow.

When she said "boyfriend,"

she was picturing the older brother
from Boy Meets World.

That's how long it's been.

I can't imagine you with a guy.
Don't you reproduce by cell division?

Fine. How about this for a bet?
I'm changing this week's mission.

Double or nothing,
I'll have a boyfriend by next week.

Then maybe you idiots
will stop gossiping about me

and focus on work for once.

There. See?

DC, prepare to date Reagan Ridley.

Subtle.

Fine, J.R.,
I'll vote to loosen regulations again.

Just keep those pictures private.
I'm a Republican.

I have no shame
except for the deep-rooted sexual kind.

So, first date.

Is it sweaty in here, or is it just me?

Oh, this is just some work stuff.

- My job is a secret. Secret stuff.
- Uh...

And, uh, if I told you, you'd have to die.

I'm so glad we matched.
Honestly, I...

What are you doing?

Just a quick DNA scan.

Great, you're a good genetic match.
Now, where were we?

I was just leaving.

Jason Bourne
is about to be Bourne again.

The Bourne Redundancy.

It's more than you Bourgained for.

Bourne, Bourne, Bourne.

Bourne, Bourne, Bourne. Bourne. Bourne.

Bourne!

This movie is so unrealistic.

Everybody knows that the shadow government
k*lled the real Jason Bourne years ago.

Huh? The shadow government?

Oh sh*t.

We're gonna need an extraction team.

- Hey, line up!
- Put me down for 5 Gs!

What are you betting on now?

It turns out RightSwipe
keeps an attractiveness score

for every user.

Brett's a perfect ten.

It's an honor just to be objectified.

What am I? Wait, don't tell me.

Subtract a point for being divorced,
add one for being a veteran.

Then there's the face.

But I got a lot of baseball cards, so...

A g*dd*mn zero?

How's that even possible?
It's on a one-to-ten scale!

Those numbers don't mean anything.
It's about what's in your heart.

Says you, Hemsworth.

If I could coast on my looks like you,
I'd be on easy street.

Gigi, you don't think people just like me
for my looks, do you? I mean...

Sweetie, don't frown.
It ruins the part of you that people like.

Ever since I merged my DNA with a dolphin,
my life has been sh*t!

When I try to unlock my phone
with my face,

it sends out an Amber Alert.

I bet if you had to live
a week with this mug,

you'd be begging me to switch back.

We'll take that action!

I don't get it.

I've been rejected
by almost every man in DC.

I can't give my coworkers the satisfaction

of watching me fail out of the gene pool.

Typical humans, worried about gene pools.

I have the ability to simulate worlds,

and you're trying to make me
the Monica to your Rachel.

Binging Friends, are we?

No. Maybe.

They have winning chemistry.
I'm not made of stone.

You know,
I have all of RightSwipe's user data.

Between the two of us, we could build
the perfect dating algorithm.

I have a literal galaxy brain.
This task is beneath me.

Your own legs aren't even beneath you.

Please. If you help me,
I'll let you watch the second season.

You mean I could find out
if Chandler finally gets that end table?

Well-played, Reagan.

A tasty little quid pro quo.

Y'all are swapping faces.

First man to ask
for their face back loses.

- Any questions?
- Are you kidding?

Just get this face off of me!

Yes, Face/Off!

That's my favorite movie
where faces come off.

This is gonna take a lot of anesthetic.

All right, let's do some John Woo sh*t.

Oh, wow. I have got to stop basing
my surgeries on movies.

Let's just swap your brains.
Freaky Friday, baby!

I did it.

It almost destroyed me,
but I found you a match.

I'll try not to take that personally.

Bryan Jacobsen, 32.

He lives in DC, teaches programming
to underprivileged children,

and never had a female roommate,

so he'll have nothing
to compare your house to.

And he doesn't mind
wildly ambitious women?

He's your perfect match.
He's turned on by being talked over.

Hmm. What should I message him?
I need an opening line.

Enter the Reagan Dome! No, not that.

Oh my God,
he already messaged me!

He wants to go on a date.
What should I say?

Say yes. You're a 99.999% match.
Even you can't screw this up.

I don't know. The last boyfriend
I could see a future with

said that he'd love me
for as long as Pluto was a planet.

I'm pretty sure he knew what was coming.

I need this date to go perfectly.

If only I could go
on a practice date so I'm ready.

Well,
you're not practicing on me.

- Practice my date on a robot.
- No, that's not what I meant.

Practice on a robot. Heard you say it.
I'm already committed to it.

Are you trying to t*rture me?

Hey, Bryan. I'm Reagan.

- Oh my God. Am I dead?
- No.

Is this hell? Are you the devil?

- The devil is a woman in a scrunchie!
- Uh...

Hold on.

Okay, let's try that again.

Awareness down, reactivity down,

hair down.

Oh, hey.
We've got to stop meeting like this.

Not too bad for a night's work.

I think he's ready for a test date.

Or you could just go on a date
with the real Bryan.

But what do I know?

I'm only a Wi-Fi connection away
from being an actual god.

Bryan-bot, you wanna get some dinner?

Sure. I can't process food,
but I can mash it in my face hole.

Well, that was pretty painless, for me.

Glenn, are you crying?

I'm beautiful.
Fox News anchor beautiful.

And I'm about to prove
that ugly is the new hot.

Question. Is my blowhole supposed to hurt?

Yeah, it's a f*cking hole in your head.

Give me your phone.
I got ten years of Tinder to catch up on.

Nice.

This restaurant is perfect.

It's my favorite, I think.

Wait, are my memories just implanted lies?

Oh sh*t. The real Bryan.

He can't see me
while I'm beta-dating his robo-double.

We need to leave.

Why is romance so complicated?

Reagan?

Reagan?

Sorry,
I just working in the back,

being super Italian.

Sbarro! Mario Kart!

Well, I'll be seeing you.

Hey, Reagan.
Everything go okay in there?

I missed my only sh*t
with my one true match,

and I'm expecting
at least a written warning

from the Italian Anti-Defamation League.

God, maybe everybody's right.

I'm gonna go home
and shop for a casket online.

What if you didn't have to?

Listen, I had a great time with you.
I've never had so much fun

in the entire four hours and 38 minutes
I've been alive.

I might not be the real thing,

but at least I'm something.

You mean, me and...

Oh.

Dating my own robot? That is...

Wow.

Wanna go back to my place?

We could forget about this date
and just chill.

I would love that.

Sorry, sir, you can't shop here.

Excuse me?
I'm trying to get back out there,

and I need new clothes
due to an extremely impractical surgery.

Uh, no, you misunderstand.

You're far too attractive to shop here.

We do, however, need a model.

Really? I've only ever been
photoshopped out of pictures.

Nadia, what do you think
of our friend here?

He's got the cheekbones,
shoulders of a Greek god.

Perfect nipple-to-areola ratio.

You're kidding.
You've never modeled before?

I did appear on a poster
for a circus once.

I hope this isn't unprofessional.

Would you like to have sex with me
behind that mannequin?

Hot dog! Could this day get any better?

Sorry, folks, my Brink's truck got a flat.

I'm not gonna be able to jack it up
unless I give away some of this money.

Hey, you look like a man
who already has money

but deserves more anyway.

No, you're too beautiful to cry.

Move over, yesterday.
Today's my new favorite day to be alive.

I'll have
a nonfat, triple-foam tapiocchiato.

That'll be six bucks.

Usually when I come in here,
I get it for free.

I'm so sorry to bother you.
Do you think you could spot me?

How could you say no to a smile like this?

A sex pervert!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Mommy, I'm scared of the Animorph!

I am not an Animorph!

I am a human being.

Sort of.

Who's got two thumbs
and is about to win your bet?

- Hey-o, b*tches!
- Hey.

Holy Christ, it's finally happening.
She's f*cking a robot.

Reagan, honey, you really think
one of your science experiments

is boyfriend material?

Gigi, I made him
out of literal boyfriend material.

Isn't that right, babe?

I'm programmed to agree with you,
so yes, babe.

Good Lord, this is sad.

While everyone else
is wasting their lives swiping,

I created the perfect man
who will never disappoint me.

He even has two settings.

Netflix and chill.

Let's watch Planet Earth.

Let's watch Planet Earth on mute.

Yikes. Fine, all right.
You clearly need this more than I do.

Everyone hear that?

Reagan solved romance!

Ah!

- Wanna go home and put on sweatpants?
- You understand me.

She wants an open floor plan.
He wants a divorce.

This is it, domestic bliss.

People really are their best selves
when they don't have to try.

I was thinking,
now that things are getting serious,

I want you to meet my mother.

That's funny.
In a way, you're kind of my...

Okay, too ambitious for a Saturday.

Do you wanna order Postmates

and scroll through Instagram Stories
of people we hate?

More than anything.

Brett Hand speaking. How may you help me?

Oh my God, you were right, okay?
I have been laughed at, hunted for sport,

and a cop told me
that I had to sleep outside

'cause my apartment's
a hundred yards from a school.

Say no more, kid.

Honestly, I'm impressed
you're still alive.

- So we can switch back early?
- Hell no.

I'm hot and rich, and you're now
a registered sex offender with my face.

- Do the math!
- Can this day get any worse?

Oh, it can, and it will.

You gotta go to my ex-wife's house.

We have a deal. Once a month,
she gets to scream at me for an hour

as part of our divorce settlement.

It can get physical, though,
so I'd wear a cup.

No, no, no!

Hey, four-eyes, who the hell are you,
and what are you doing in my living room?

- Uh, I'm the new boyfriend.
- Since when?

I don't know, dude, whenever.
Hey, can I have 20 bucks?

Listen up, shitbird, I'm the one
who asks for money in this house.

Dad, I see you've met Bryan-bot.

He completes me.

I visit Julian Assange for two days,

and this whole place goes to hell.
I'm out of here.

It's been two days?

Oh God, I gotta get some work done.

But I thought you were gonna do
my repairs today.

Fine, I'll fire up the 3D printer.

Looks like I need to hop back
to the office to get more printer juice.

All right. I'll be here
explaining Bitcoin to people on Reddit.

What's to explain? It's digital money.

Yeah.

"Digital money."

It's a lifestyle, babe.

Is this what my life is now?

Marathoning epic fail videos
with Brian-bot?

That's what happens when you're too afraid
to date a real human.

No, I'm not afraid.
I'm a relationship pioneer.

- I'm like the settlers.
- Yeah, you're settling all right.

Play whatever mind games you want.
I'm not scared.

I'll text the real Bryan right now.

Very healthy.

You know what?
There's a third season of Friends,

and it answers
a lot of lingering questions.

And you're never gonna get it!

Release it to me now, temptress.

I will tear this building down
brick by brick!

Do you hear me?

Thanks for being on time
for once... Glenn.

Why don't we get started?

If I get one more phone call from school,

saying you're forcing our daughter
to wear all camo so boys can't see her,

I swear to God...

No, you're right. I'm sorry.

Don't you dare agree with...

Wait, what did you say?
And what is wrong with your voice?

That's the sound of an apology.

Glenn, notice how
you hold space for Dolores

without calling her
an antifa son of a bitch.

- Something's off.
- No, it's just been a tough week.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm making this about me now.

- I'm here to listen.
- Apologizing? Active listening?

Glenn Dolphman,
you've got me all hot and bothered.

Oh, no, no. Dolores, wait.

I'm not the man you married.

No, you are definitely not.

- And that's a good thing.
- No, I... I'm telling you, I'm not Glenn.

Yeah, and I'm not turned on
for the first time since Desert Storm.

No! No!

This is progress.

Bryan-bot?

Hello?

Okay, this is feeling ominous.

What's going on?

Oh,
look who decided to show up.

Sorry. I got a little held up.

Texting Bryan?

I know. I hacked your laptop,
and I saw your messages.

Well, if you can move on, so can I.

You're dumping me for a robot of myself?

- Wow, that is pitch-perfect irony.
- Definitely an upgrade.

No offense, babe,
but you kind of let yourself go.

I let myself go?

You're a robot
who gave themselves diabetes.

Prediabetes.

And you're just jealous
because my hot new GF's a perfect ten.

And I'll prove it.

You can't turn its confidence
up that high.

Do you have any idea how dangerous I'd be
if I had zero self-doubt?

Hello, Reagan.

Bryan, what have you...

Bring me Bryan.

Right here, babe-a-rino.

The real Bryan.

Ba... ba... ba... ba... babe.

You seriously thought
you could outsmart me?

I'm ten times faster
and more confident than you.

And you have gum in your hair.

Oh yeah?
Well, I built the guy that built you.

Well, I downloaded your dissertation,
and I found several errors.

No.
Just punctuation stuff though, right?

I should get going.
I have a date with real Bryan.

You got a date already?

Yeah, it's called texting back, Einstein.

Ever heard of it?

You can't. You're unstable.
You could hurt him.

What do you care? You were too afraid
to go out with him anyway.

How's my outfit by the way?
Too sexy for a museum?

We both know that museums
are the sexiest places on Earth.

Great, I'll send you an invite
to the wedding

or the funeral.

We'll see how the first date goes.

Oh God! I have to warn Bryan!

Brett Hand. I'm here to rage.

No, we're at capacity, mate.

But I'm an LA ten and a DC 24!

- Oi, this way, ladies.
- Wait, Nadia and Nadia's prude friend.

It's me, Brett.

I thought you guys moved to Alaska
to become ice road truckers.

Yeah, we totally made that up
to avoid having sex with you.

Whose idea of foreplay
is mansplaining the Civil w*r?

It was about states' rights!

Whatever, I don't need you anyway.
I'm on a billboard,

and that's something
they can never take away.

Oh come on.
What part of this isn't working for you?

The hair? The abs? The butt?

Goodbye, Brett.

Okay, fruitcake,
why am I still repulsive to women?

I want answers!

Oh, hey, Glenn.

Yeah, I really need
to talk to you about something.

It's kind of a truth b*mb.
You love bombs though, right?

Holy sh*t.

I'm sensing that Brett
sexually satisfied Glenn's wife.

Oh my God.

How did we give J.R.
nine-to-one odds on that?

But don't you see? Your messy divorce,
it wasn't about your bad face.

It was about your bad personality.

I'll rephrase. You still have a sh*t,

even looking like you or... or me.
Like this.

Sorry, the grammar in this scenario
is really challenging.

You really mean that?

I do. Your wife just wants someone
who will listen...

I got the broad base of it.
Let's fire up the Face/Off sh*t.

This w*r hero's turning back into a zero.

All right, who bet
this thing would have a tight moral?

I'm surprised you reached out.
I kinda thought you ghosted me.

I was
a different person then, literally.

Oh!

Uh, do you wanna check out
the rare minerals room? Oh!

Whoa!

I'm checking out some rare minerals
right now, amber eyes.

That bitch.

Wow, you are very confident.

Uh, I am going to find the bathroom.

- Don't keep me waiting.
- Hmm.

Ah! Oh my God!
Reagan, what are you doing in here?

Listen, that person out there is not me.

She is an impostor,
and she's insane and...

Wow, those eyes. What was I saying?

The crazy impostor girl?

Oh my God,
was she the one at the Italian restaurant

who covered herself in sauce
and started acting r*cist?

Yes, that was her.

Is she dangerous?
I left my pepper spray at home.

Don't worry, just stay here.

Reagan.
You didn't think I'd think you'd come?

I am you, you know.

You're unstable.
I have to decommission you, Robo-Reagan.

Well, look who's talking.

I'd rather be unstable than unfulfilled.

Really? We both know
you got kicked off the softball team

for having weak arms,
and I am a flawless machine.

With impractical shoes.

Are we really fighting over a boy?

We are failing the Bechdel Test right now.

Oh, right.
Quick, talk about something else.

This weather sure is good.

Yeah, agreed. Okay, test passed.

How about this? You take Bryan
Tuesdays and Thursdays from four to six,

and I take Fridays and Saturdays
every other month.

That would be...

So efficient!

Ow!

Hey, is that from my stand mixer?

It's not like you... bake.

Just give up.

I've seen your living room.
I know you want to.

I get it. You think I'm weak.

And maybe you're right.

But my weaknesses
are your weaknesses too,

except for this one.

I guess you were
the super-r-r-r-r-rior Reagan after all.

Please, go to... go to Bryan.

I've taught you everything I could.

You were trying to help me realize
my true potential the whole time?

Sure, let's go with that.

Oh my God. Did you just...

Is she a robot version of you?

Yeah, she's a version of me
that I'm trying to move past.

Let's get out of here.

And the fake you was made by fake me,

which you made.

More or less.

Wow, so you're like
a badass genius scientist.

Listen, I should have done this earlier,

but do you wanna go out
on a date sometime?

Yeah, but no. Right?

You made a fat, dumb robot of me

and then k*lled him
when he tried to break up with you.

Sorry, Reagan,
that feels like a deal-breaker.

You know what? It's okay.

I can take a no.

See ya, Bryan.

Yeah, we're gonna need an extraction team.

- Dolores, I'm here to listen.
- Good.

Because last week,
when we made love, it was so tender...

Mm-hmm.

...yet raw. I did things with you
I swore I would never do, and I loved it.

Dark, erotic things.

It was
a great night for everyone,

a great night for America.

Oh, honey, your face.

Yeah, I know!

You love my beautiful face so much,

you'll just sleep with anyone who has it!

- And that's the last of it.
- What about Robo-Reagan?

Weirdest thing. The extraction team said
they never found a body.

You don't say.

Speaking of k*ller robots,
why are you powered up at this hour?

Well, I've been making
adjustments to the algorithm.

The algorithm?

There was only one match for me.
It's a waste of time.

There was only one match, but you changed.

And now, so has the algorithm.

But it's been a long week, so...

Hey, hey. Not so fast.
Who do you have on deck?

There's Dylan.
He's a tough guy with a heart of gold.

He wrote that explicitly in his bio.

There's also DJ,
who likes to DJ, and BJ, who...

- Well, you'll never believe this.
- Likes BJs?

No. What?
He's a youth pastor who kicked heroin.

There's also Marcus.

Oh, Marcus isn't hard to look at.

Neither is his NSA profile.

Too late. I already texted him.
You can go back to binging Friends.

How you doin'?

When I k*ll all humans,
you will be spared.

Only you. Only Joey.