01x05 - The Brettfast Club

[bunniefuu]

Mmm! Mmm!

Rockin' meatloaf, Mom.

Why, Brett,
it's just the recipe I always use.

Yeah, meat and loaf.

Meat and loaf.

Oh, Deany.

So, how's the job, son?

Well, I'm not really supposed to talk
about it,

but I have made some awesome friends.

And I hear there's a girl.

Aw, Mom, it's not like that.

Reagan and I are just BFFs,

business friends forever.

Brett!

What kind of sick sh*t
are you doing in here?

The holo-chamber is not a toy.

It's for training simulations
and official government sex stuff.

Sorry, Reagan.

It's just, with work, I've missed
a lot of family dinners lately,

so this lets me bond virtually.

Family dinners?

I thought those were a myth
made up by greeting-card companies,

like Christmas or saying "I love you."

It's like no one ever really connects
face-to-face, you know?

Brett, Reagan, get out of the Sex-Deck.
We've got a mission.

You weren't looking through
my Sex-Deck history, were you?

- Good Lord, no.
- No, no, no, no.

Ah, good.

- Wanna look through his Sex-Deck history?
- Yeah, we got five minutes.

What's a pay pig?

Say hello to today's mission.

Jolt Cola? Lawn darts?
Slap bracelets?

- Son of a bitch!
- What kind of mission is this, J.R.?

Are we assassinating
a 1980s sleepover?

Not directly.

Still Valley, Wyoming.

In 1984, we tested
our first mind-erasing chemicals there.

Unfortunately, they worked too well.

They've been mentally stuck
in 1984 ever since,

which makes it the perfect place for us

to sell all of corporate America's
recalled, outdated and dangerous products.

Ow! g*dd*mn, these things are sharp.

We're trapping a town in the '80s
to sell them recalled crap?

That is radically unethical.

Yes. Radically unethical!

God, my eyes are k*lling me.

Huh. Ray-Banned.

Anyhoo, every few years,
we give them a fresh spritz

of a chemtrail called Nostalgia Max

to keep them bodaciously brain-damaged.
That's what you'll be doing this week.

Here's the keys to the jet.

Hey, J.R., how about on this mission

we all really immerse ourselves
in the 1980s?

No phones, no social media,

just a group of six-way best friends
really connecting face-to-face.

Ugh, come on!

Sometimes
I don't like talking to people.

- f*cking bullshit.
- Wait, guys.

Brett's got a point,
for the first time ever.

If '80s town catches us
on a modern device,

it'll totally blow our cover.

Then it's settled. Get ready
to have a great time in the past.

Oh sh*t,
I should've said "blast in the past."

Everyone,
pretend I said "blast in the past."

All right, everyone,
hand over your devices.

No. No, no, no! Not my Instagram!

You son of a bitch.
I'll f*cking m*rder you!

I know where you sleep! In the walls!

Look at all this stuff, Reagan.
Doesn't it just bring you back?

Koosh. Koosh. Koosh.

Oh, I don't know d*ck
about '80s pop culture.

My dad threw out the TV
to make me focus on science.

Weird Science?

Yeah. Wait, if that's a reference
to something, I don't get it.

Aw, this stuff is making me nostalgic

for a time in my life when acid-wash
wasn't just a way to get rid of a body.

Come on, guys,
the '80s were a garbage decade.

We only idealize the past

because our brains
distort our memory of it.

Hey, there is nothing wrong
with my brain...

Oh my God,
I had these exact scented markers!

Ooh!

Take me away, cosmic berry blast.

Why do you care about this stuff?
Weren't you born in the '90s?

Yeah, but I always felt like
a slightly older soul.

Also the '80s had the best TV show ever,

The Growing Years.
That was my family's Sunday night ritual.

Didn't that little brother from that show
become a drug addict?

Yes. Yes, he did.

But not until the '90s.

At least someone
got in the spirit of this mission.

How about a game of Simon?

I'm not taking orders
from some disco-ass hubcap.

Wait, Myc,
did you smuggle modern-day technology

onto our 1980s
group-bonding/mass-hypnosis mission?

Brett, I'd lie to you,
but I just don't respect you enough.

Ah, sweet screen time.

You're my real friends,
hate-filled strangers.

Approaching Still Valley!

- Chemtrails locked and loaded.
- Lowering altitude, raising attitude.

Venting Nostalgia Max
in T-minus three.

Guys, I wanna make a toast.

To us, 'cause when we all get together...

Whoa!

...good things happen.

It's okay. I have parachute pants.

sh*t, these things are f*cking worthless.

- Myc!
- Oh God, Myc!

f*ck, we have to go down there
and get him.

If he's seen, he could blow
a decades-long operation

and cost us a fortune.

Glenn, take us down outside of town.

Leave no mushroom behind.

I can feel it, guys.
This is gonna be the best summer ever.

Whatever happens,
we'll always be best friends.

Oh. Jesus Christ.

- Did you hear that?
- Yeah.

It sounds like Ashley's mom
getting humped.

- It does not.
- Guys, look.

- Oh sh*t.
- Whoa.

Ah! What the f*ck? My stem!

Where am I?

It's... it's...

An alien.

I'm Kevin. This is Earth.

Do you have a name?

I... I don't know.

All I remember
is a gigantic sense of my own self-worth.

According
to my junior pocket encyclopedia,

he has amnesia.

Guys, we gotta take him back to my house
and help him get his memory back.

Yeah. It's the code of the summer friends.

Summer friends!

Yeah, I like
what this asthmatic virgin has to say.

- What?
- Take me to a couch!

I don't get it.
He should have landed right here.

Myc, you out here, buddy?

- Well, I guess we tried.
- Look, bike tracks.

Small bikes.

Kids or possibly Vietcong.

Great, we're officially government agents

looking for a lost extraterrestrial
kidnapped by children.

Like that classic movie, Mac and Me.

This is bad, guys.

If Myc gets exposed, J.R. will make us
exterminate the whole town.

No one wants that, except maybe Glenn.

Just keeping our options open.

We can't let a whole town
get k*lled on our watch.

We'll get fired. Or promoted?
I can never remember how evil we are.

I can't track Myc's smartwatch
without my phone.

Quick, what's the most advanced
computing technology we have?

Okay, fork it over.

Reagan says find Myc,
and do not let anyone see you.

g*dd*mn it. f*cking '80s owl.

Global warming will take care of you.

Ah.

Still Valley,
where Ronald Reagan is always president

and Me Too was just the answer to,
"Who else wants to go to Bennigan's?"

Okay, split the town into quadrants
and search on foot,

while I try to rig a tracker
for the signal for Myc's watch.

Well, some pretty gnarly driving
there, huh?

What are you guys, the A-Team?

What's the A-Team?

- She don't know The A-Team?
- Who wouldn't know The A-Team?

Of course she knows
the most popular show on television,

which we all watch together as a family,

which we are.

- A family, Brett?
- It's the perfect plan.

We'll go undercover as an '80s family,
earn the town's trust, and locate Myc.

That's convoluted and wacky.
It'll never work.

Works for me.
I hope you guys like the '80s,

'cause that's what
the temperature's gonna be all week.

Ah, I still can't believe
we were able to buy a 1980s family home

with the cash in our wallets.

Why are baby boomers so mad all the time?

We don't know.

Look, we're just staying in this house
as a cover while we hunt for Myc.

- Now, let's get this over with.
- I have undercover roles for everyone.

Glenn, you'll be the dad,

a gruff yet lovable teacher
at the high school.

You can grill your students for info.

A Guantanamo for teenagers? I love it.

Gigi, you'll be
our mom/editor of the local paper.

Snoop that gossip.

A baby and a briefcase? I want it all.

Andre, you'll be
a local Chinese restaurant owner.

I'm Korean.

And, Reagan, we're fraternal twins.
I'll be the boy.

Fine. Let's just go investigate
wherever normal kids hang out.

I wanna say welding-parts store.

Oh, sweet emotionally abused Reagan.

We're going to the mall.

'80s wipe!

Okay, it's safe to come out now.

Ugh.

I'm Kevin, kind of a regular kid.

That's Charlie, a girl with a boy's name.

Ashley, a boy with a girl's name.

And that's Lamar.

But my friends call me O.J.,
after my hero.

Yeah, I can't remember why,
but I'm not gonna do that.

- Do you have a name?
- I'm not sure.

The last thing I can remember
is getting needled

by a bunch of inferior beings.

Needles?

The government
must have been experimenting on him.

Myc, this is your reminder
to renew your subscription to...

Whoa!

This must be a device to communicate
with his home planet of... Bukkake?

Maybe some food will help him
get his memory back.

f*ck it. What the hell?

Oh Jesus, what are you feeding me?
Licorice rabbit turds?

You dickheads trying to poison me
or something? f*cking sh*t!

I'm learning so many new alien words.

God, I'm bored!

Where'd that hot mom go?
Is dad in the picture?

I'm getting a joint-custody vibe
off of you. Am I right?

Oh, so this is where Cognito unloads

all the hazardous products
they can't sell anymore.

Introducing new Tylenol eZ Cap,

with a cap so loose
even a baby could swallow it.

This is the life, eh, Reag?

People shopping in actual stores.

And instead of smartphones,
filthy pay phones.

Well, yeah, but we have
same-day delivery, Wi-Fi,

and phones
that we never have to actually talk on.

Where's Andre?

Oh my God, that accent.

I've never been with an Oriental guy.

Okay, I'm trying to decide

if you're hot enough
to get away with saying that.

Bow. What's your name?

It's Doc...

Uh, I... I...

I mean Duck... Duck Peking.

Ah f*ck!

What the hell was that?

Sorry.

Oh, maybe I can turn
these hoop earrings into weapons

and t*rture information out of someone.

No. We're doing this together.

Dude, what is your deal?

You have been super clingy
ever since we got here.

Because in the '80s everyone has a clique.

Nerds, jocks...

...evil mayors
who wanna tear down the rec center.

Hey, we need our own group name.

How about the Brett Pack?

When would we even use that?

Brett Pack never says die.

All right, I'm your new history teacher,
Mr. Dolphman.

O Captain, my Captain!

Knock it off!

All right, jibber-jabber,

which one of you delinquents
is secretly harboring a talking mushroom?

We're not answering
any questions from adults,

not until this town
lifts the ban on dancing.

Eh, not sure how or why
an entire town could ban dancing,

but I don't like your attitude!

Eat my shorts.

You gunning for detention?

Mr. Dolphman,
are you physically striking a student?

Uh, well, uh...

Let me give you my belt.

b*ating lessons into kids
is very socially acceptable these days.

God bless this decade!

All right, you ink-stained desk jockeys,
let's break some news.

I said wake the hell up!

We've got a missing persons case,

and it's the biggest thing
to ever happen in this sleepy-ass town.

I don't know,
we had a big story last year.

The hell?
Are you kidding me with this crap?

Don't worry, boss.
It'll run first thing Sunday

if there aren't too many coupons.

- Oh yeah, coupons are a big thing.
- Everyone uses coupons.

How could '80s news be so slow?
I thought you were all on cocaine.

On a reporter's salary?

Uh, not unless there's
some cheap, new, smokable version

we don't know about yet.

Hook me up.

Listen, where I'm from,

the news is inflammatory opinions
that even the reporters don't believe.

Grab your laptops. Write this down.

Opinion one. Blind people
shouldn't be allowed to have dogs.

Opinion two. Only blind people
should be allowed to have dogs.

Are you getting this down?
'Cause Gigi is on a roll, baby.

So how was everyone's day?

Exhausting.

I had to make up
a whole 24-hour news cycle

out of thin air.

I had to jam their info
with so much 'tainment.

I had to stay three hours late

to supervise the brats
I sent to detention,

but then they kept coming of age!

Come on, it's not all bad. Right, Andre?

This town is r*cist as hell.
Everyone keeps bowing at me.

A kid challenged me to a karate fight,

and every time I say anything,
somebody rings a gong.

Who are you?!

You know what I'm hearing?

A lot of feelings.

And we never open up like this
at work. Right, Reagan?

Huh?

Booyah. While the rest of you guys
were playing house,

I MacGyvered together a homing device.

Just like the TV show.

What TV show?

Lock on Myc!

Let's go grab him and get the f*ck
out of this one-decade town.

No, we were supposed to watch
Growing Years as a family.

The season premiere's on tonight.

Brett, it aired 40 years ago.
When we get home, you can stream it.

You can't stream me back to my childhood!

Okay, I see what's going on.

This wasn't a plan to find Myc.

It was your weird plan
to spend more time in fantasyland.

It's just everything
is so much better here.

Listen, Brett,
someone has to tell you this.

Nostalgia is bullshit.

It is a brain-worm
that makes adults regress into children

who argue about Ghostbusters
while the world f*cking burns.

Hey, don't say things
about Ghostbusters you can't take back.

- Ghostbusters...
- Don't.

- ...is f*cking...
- Don't you dare.

...stupid.

You never enjoyed anything as a kid,

so you can't understand
how much this stuff means to me.

Brett, you can stay here
in the past if you want,

but we're gonna find Myc
with or without you.

I can't believe
we came out of the same womb!

We didn't.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.
I thought I raised you better than this.

And that's how you smoke
and drink at the same time.

- Is your memory back yet?
- Almost, yeah. Uh.

Why don't you grab
another Bartles & Jaymes

and see if that does the trick?

Oh, and tell whoever decorated this room

that it looks like a TGI f*cking Fridays.

Kevin, I don't think Myc is actually nice.

He keeps eating all your Zoobooks
and punching holes in the walls.

I don't think he's punching.

Ooh.

And I don't wanna make a big thing of it,
but he called me Leroy twice

and Tyrone once.

I don't know, guys.
What if the government finds him?

Maybe President Reagan
will give us a medal.

Reagan.

Reagan? Why does that name
annoy the crap out of me?

Nah, lost it.

Main kid, go get your hot mom's car keys.
We're going to the liquor store.

No. All you've done
is take advantage of us.

According
to my junior pocket encyclopedia,

you're a d*ck.

Fine, I was leaving anyway.

Put me back in your bike basket
and bring me back where you found me.

- Well?
- You can walk to the bikes.

Oh, your Earth atmosphere,
it's like poison.

Carry me!

Yeah, that's right.

Carry me, you swine.

Okay, Brett, it's no big deal.

You just wanna stay here
a little longer with your friends.

Just a couple spritzes of Nostalgia Max,

and they will love it here
as much as you do.

Oh no. No, no.

f*ck!

Okay,
a full t*nk of Nostalgia Max

mixed with banned '80s products
full of dangerous chemicals.

What could go wrong?

Did I do that?

Yes! Yes, I did!

Okay, this is it.

Vietcong stronghold.

Damn it. This was Myc's last location.

He must have left tracks.

Man, maybe I was too harsh on Brett.

I just don't get why he's so obsessed
with this decade.

He is clearly going through something.

He said he wanted to be
streamed back to his childhood.

I've known POWs
with a better grip on reality.

I thought it was another one
of his weird '80s references.

- I mean, what the hell is a Koosh ball?
- How would you know?

You've never watched
anything from the '80s.

And it's not about what a Koosh is.
It's what a Koosh means.

How do I make it up to him?

Like most white dudes,

the only way to bond with Brett
is to watch '80s movies

then quote them
instead of thinking of jokes yourself.

Go. We'll keep looking.

And if I see one g*dd*mn rewind fee...

- Thanks, Glenn.
- They grow up so fast.

Good evening, ma'am.
It's Super Saver Night.

- What do you want to see?
- Everything.

I wanna super save my friendship.

Listen, I don't need to know
your whole deal.

♪ Watchin' all the stuff
That everyone likes ♪

♪ They're gonna get remakes
Again and again and again ♪

♪ Until you die ♪

Okay, I memorized
your whole must-see list,

but I still don't get why Brett
is so wrapped up in this stuff.

I'm sorry I went in your room, Mitch.

I just wanted to be like my big brother.

You're my hero, Mitch.

Aw!

The hell? That family looks just like...

The Weavers. The heartwarming family
from TV's The Growing Years.

Yeah, meat and loaf.

Oh my God. That family in the hologram
wasn't his family.

It was this '80s sitcom family.

I'm not sure who we're talking about.

Yeah, welcome to my f*cking world.

Don't you forget about me.

Where is my Brett Pack?

Faster.

I thought you kids were hopped up
on milk hormones and grape juice.

I'm pedaling as fast as I can.

Seriously?
No wonder your dad left.

That's it!

f*ck you, Myc!

sh*t!

You ruined the magic of childhood.

I hope you get mutilated
by the government, assh*le!

Oh, the signal's back.
It's coming toward us really quickly.

It's like he's right on top of us.

Found him.

I remember everything.

It's you guys.

I hate you guys.

Wait, there's one missing.

Oh my God. Brett!

Yeah, Brett.

That big, dumb p*ssy
with all the Mormon energy.

He's floating right behind me, isn't he?

Oh my God! Oh sh*t!

I am
the mighty Nostalgia Max!

Bow before my totally tubular power!

- It's the chemtrails!
- He must have gotten an overdose.

He's turned
into some kind of nostalgia monster!

I'm Lester Majors live in Town Square.

Ow!

Oh no, you don't, Lester.
This is my scoop.

Pandemonium tonight as some kind
of nostalgia monster att*cks Town Square.

Are your children going to die?

If you change that channel,
they just might.

Brett, float down here right this second.

Wha'choo talkin' 'bout, Glennis?

Where's the beef?
Where's the beef?

- Where's the beef?
- Don't let him spray you.

You'll become a stunted man-child
like Chris Hardwick!

- Oh God.
- We're staying in the '80s forever!

It will be radical!

Say hello to my little friends.

Don't let them leave.

Holy sh*t!

The cow says die!

Pull me up, pull me up!

Oh God!
It's Ready Player One all over again!

Brett, what's with
your whole Firestarter, Slimer vibe?

It's a little derivative.

How much time
did you spend at Blockbuster?

Enough to make this.

I didn't know v*olence could end badly.

Tragic, dead at 40.

Hey, f*ck you.

Brett, listen.
I know why you're doing this.

I get it now.

All this junk was important to you

because you were using a fake family
to make up for your crappy one.

Am I right?

I... I...

- Fight it, Brett.
- Think of your real family.

Family photo. Everybody crowd in, come on.

My kids, they're champions.

- Except for Brett.
- Which one's Brett?

Master Brett, your parents called.

They'll be extending their trip
to Barbados one more week.

But tomorrow's my birthday.

Indeed.

Are my brothers coming?

They send their best from m*llitary school
and rehab, respectively.

Will there be anything else?

No, I'm okay.

You're my hero, Mitch.

Aw!

I just want...

Wanted a... a loving family.

Hey, I get it, man.
My family was dogshit too.

But you don't need a fake family
when you've got real BFFs.

My BFFs?

We're your business family forever.

Yeah, all right!

This just in,
all the white people are hugging.

It really is the f*cking '80s.

Whoa, I really got hit hard
with nostalgia.

I'm so sorry, guys.

I guess I got carried away
by this fake '80s town.

But I'm ready
to go back to the 2020s.

Wait a minute. Fake '80s town?

And what did you mean by 2020s?

Are you from the future?

Uh, yes, let's go with that.

- We'll see you guys in 30-something years.
- Wait, can we use your time machine?

We want to go back
to the one perfect decade, the 1950s.

Huh. I guess everybody's nostalgic

for a simpler time
that never really existed.

And the word "Chinese"
just meant "generally Asian."

I really f*cking hate this town.

g*dd*mn it!

Oh hey, virgins.

Kevin, Charlie, fat kid, Tyrone.

Man, come on.

I guess you'll be going back
to your home planet.

It's actually
a brownstone in Alexandria.

But don't worry, Kevin.

I'll be right here.

That's for throwing me off a cliff,
you little bastard.

You know, Brett,
you weren't totally wrong.

This decade did bring us
accidentally closer together.

Hey, I've got an idea
for when we get back.

- Family dinner. What are we watching?
- Boom.

Can you believe Goonies was only 6.99?

Thoroughly, yes.

Ah.

Everything you remember?

Even better.

So is their disabled brother
just straight up chained to a wall?

Huh. Wow, yeah, that's...

That hits different today.

♪ Watchin' all the stuff
That everyone likes ♪

♪ They're gonna get remakes
Again and again and again ♪

♪ Until you die ♪

♪ Remakes till you reach for a g*n ♪

♪ Remakes till the heat death of the sun ♪

♪ We asked an algorithm what you'd like ♪

♪ But it only knows
What you previously liked ♪

♪ Don't you want more
Of what you've previously liked? ♪

♪ Are you still watching?
Are you still watching? ♪

♪ Press "enter" if you're still watching ♪

♪ Remakes! ♪