01x06 - My Big Flat Earth Wedding

[bunniefuu]

Trouble on the horizon today,
as believers in the flat-Earth theory

protested outside
the National Air and Space Museum.

- Ah!
- [flat-earthers shouting]

[all] The Earth's not round! It is flat!

We are here to protest that!

My God, this flat-Earth nonsense.

Why do conspiracies keep getting stupider?

If they only knew the obvious truth.

The Earth isn't flat. It's hollow

and filled with mole people, sea monsters,
and that family from Land of the Lost.

[Myc] They don't know
about the mole people?

This is what happens
when schools cut science funding.

- Sad.
- [door slams open]

You fail me again, and I find out
where your family lives. [groans]

- [call ends]
- Florists, am I right?

Thank God my mom's wedding is tonight.

I'm so sick of planning this thing.

Oh, I love weddings.

They're a celebration of two souls
who got sick of dating apps and settled.

That's the kicker.
My mom is getting married to herself.

[Myc] Oh,
that's two Tamikos on the invite.

I just thought your mom was a lesbian
and I was r*cist.

My mom marrying herself

is just another dramatic stunt
to piss off my dad.

That's why I've been working
on an active cover-up.

My dad finds out about this wedding,
it'll be total chaos.

[pilot screams]

Well, the rest of us are stoked
for a cruise under the stars

on J.R.'s super-yacht.

Please, Brett, mega-yacht.
We have an onboard horse track.

And I volunteer to be security.

I spent my own wedding doing
cavity searches of suspicious guests.

Turns out we didn't even need a registry.

See, Reagan? Weddings are magical.

Stop worrying about your parents
and have some fun.

Fun? You have no idea
what my parents are capable of.

One of their arguments had a ripple effect
that caused the LA riots.

I just need to get through this,

'cause as soon as we re-dock,
I'm on the next flight to Bora-Bora.

Old Reagorino's gonna lay on a beach

and enjoy having blood pressure
in the recommended range.

Brett, a word.

Despite my sunny demeanor,
I am not doing this for fun.

My yacht is a money pit.

The maintenance costs
are about to drag me down into the...

[shudders]...0.2%.

- [dramatic music plays]
- No, J.R. Don't say that. No!

My plan is to sell it
to one of the fat cats at the wedding,

so I need you to stoke the fires

by posing as a billionaire
who's interested in buying it.

A solo mission?

Yes. And if you pull this off,

I will give you an enthusiastic "attaboy."

[gasps] J.R., that... that's too much.

Anchors up at 4 p.m., guys. Don't be late.

[angrily] Everything needs to be perfect.

[Myc] Oh, you need a massage.

- [sinister music plays]
- [Myc] Oh, her mind! The rage! The terror!

Oh, we live on the edge of a Kn*fe!
This wedding could doom us all!

[screams]

[babbles]

BT-dubs, if anyone needs it,
I know how to do a bow tie.

[electronic music playing]

[mellow music playing]

I saw your protest on the news.

You really showed
those globalists who's boss.

After years of being ridiculed
for our beliefs,

it's so nice to have someone on our side
that's a respected scientist

and not just a respected NBA player.

[coughing] Yeah, I'm choking on respect.

Oh man, don't leave the house.
It's really coming down out there.

I got us groceries
so we can stay inside all weekend.

Reagan, meet the DC chapter
of the Flat Earth Society.

[all scream]

They, uh, haven't seen a girl in a while.

Why are you in a chat room
with a bunch of flat-earthers?

A few years back, I made a bet with J.R.

there was no idea so dumb that people
couldn't be made to believe it.

So I spread the flat-Earth theory,
and it worked too well.

Now I just egg them on to piss off J.R.

Well, that sounds like a fun distraction
for the next 72 hours.

Oh, an overnight mission?

Oh my goodness,
looks like work all weekend for me.

You stay here and get cozy. Okay, bye!

So as I was saying,

the true shape of the Earth
can be seen in this secret documentary,

Bruce Almighty.

- Oh, yeah, of course.
- [flat-earthers] Oh!

[funky music playing]

- [control beeps]
- [electricity crackling]

[pigeon screeches]

All right, he bought the fake storm, boys,
so he's not going anywhere.

All clear.
We intercepted the wedding invitation.

Enjoy your mom's big day.

Enjoy it?

[cackling madly]

[cackling continues]

["Trumpet Voluntary" playing on strings]

[ethereal chiming]

Welcome, everyone.

Me and I thank you all
so much for coming.

[Reagan] Mom, I need you upstairs in 20.

Darling, must you wear
this hideous headset?

The energy of the day is joy,
not fast-food drive-through.

Mom, I'm basically at work here.
I need to stay on point.

Just promise me you'll let go
and live a little.

I'm not just doing this for me.

You're not just marrying yourself
for yourself?

I'm doing it for you too, darling.

To show you how much better life can be
when you serve yourself.

Anyway, serve our guests.

Ugh.

[scanning, beeping]

- Open your bags.
- Nothing bad in here.

Just tons of illegal dr*gs.

[croaks]

No problem, buddy.

[shouts] No! Oh God! No!

[eerie music playing]

Wow. [laughs]

[gasps] Oh my God, I love you guys.

Protocol is protocol.
This is a clean event.

Uh, no worries.

I'm as fun clean as I am wasted,
uh, just a little different.

[Myc] Huh, I've never seen you sober.

This should be either interesting
or profoundly uninteresting.

Either way, it's gonna be interesting!

- [inhales]
- Put the helium down.

[high-pitched] Hey! Hey!

Excuse me, sir,
I'm gonna have to ask you to step aside.

Hey, buddy, I do

the vaguely threatening requests
around here.

Glenn, I hired my own security.

With all these VIPs around,

I... I needed someone in peak form.

What do you mean, "peak form"?

[waiter] Oh!

See? I just took out a waiter
from 30 feet.

I'm combat-ready.

Why don't you enjoy the party

and treat yourself
to a bucket of raw shrimp?

[trilling]

The SS Atlas Shrugged

is the yacht that made Bernie Sanders
vomit on live TV.

[buyers murmur]

But I find one onboard vineyard limiting,
so I'm thinking of selling the old gal.

[man] You know, every month...

[Brett, in posh accent]
Color me intrigued.

- [triumphant music plays]
- Charmed to meet you all.

I'm Joffrey Game of Thrones,
and these are my monocles.

Brett, what are you doing?

I told you to look like a billionaire,
not Mr. Peanut.

I'm helping you sell the yacht.
I did a lot of character work.

I'm a spoiled prince

whose mom and dad
are actually brother and sister.

Stop it!
Now, get out of that ridiculous costume

before you embarrass me in front of...

- [electronic bleeping]
- [buyers gasp]

Same-day delivery.

[laughs]

Jeff Bezos.

The richest man in the world.

- What do you think of my yacht?
- Well, it's...

[posh laughter]
Too expensive for you, I imagine.

You aren't wearing any monocles at all.

Now, I'm off to admire
the servant-thrashing quarters.

Wait, your monocle hoarding intrigues me.

I don't believe we've met, Mr...

Please, call me Joffrey.

Mister is the name of my uncle father.

[shudders]

So, Dr. R, we took your advice,

and we bought a boat to embark
on the first ever flat-Earth expedition.

Do you have the coordinates
to the Earth's edge?

Sure thing.
Latitude 5 degrees, 12 minutes,

longitude 24 degrees, 46 minutes,

and the Powerball is 12.

[mysterious music plays]

Sandals? Who's going to Sandals?

No one in this house likes fun.

Flowers, cake,

the smooth jazz grooves of Kenny G?

- My wife is getting remarried!
- [glass shatters]

Hmm. Hey, Harold,
did you say you have a boat?

- [mellow music plays]
- [seagull squawking]

[grunts] I've forgotten my Dramamine.

- I didn't.
- Oh!

Bear-o, serve rappers first,
royalty second.

Glenn, anything to report?

- All quiet at the bar area.
- [squawks]

I've already lost my dignity.
This shrimp is all I have left.

[seagull squawking] Suck my ass, Flipper!

- [gargles, gulps]
- [squawks]

Okay, I survived being raised
by hardcore Christians.

I can handle sobriety.

Did I tell you guys
about my RPG tournament in high school?

- It was...
- [both] High-stakes Elder Scrolls.

[Myc] We know. You're the only person

who tells the same bad story
over and over when they're not drunk.

When I'm sober, my anxiety flares up.

sh*t! Piss! Boob! Gigi, you look stunning!

The f*ck?

Sorry, so does my Tourette's.
But at least my OCD is under...

One, two, three, four,
four, three, two, one. [sighs]

[Myc] We need dr*gs, now.

[gentle saxophone and piano music playing]

- Thank you, Mr., uh, G.
- [blows one note]

- Everyone, the ceremony is about to begin.
- ["Pachelbel's Canon" playing]

[guests gasp]

[man] So hot. Looks like
the older version of my daughter.

[exhales]

- [sighs]
- [shutter clicks]

Please, please, be seated.

Hello. Most of you
know me as Gwyneth Paltrow,

but I'm also... "Tamiko's best friend."

Mmm. Hugs.

Today, we celebrate all the...

- [Rand] I object!
- [guests gasp]

[dramatic music playing]

[grunts] Drop the rings
and keep your lips where I can see 'em.

Oh God!

[guests gasp]

Who the hell...

Oh jeez, you brought the flat-earthers?

Dr. Ridley,
why are we on a wedding cruise?

Where's the groom?
I'm gonna kick his d*ck in the ass.

Ha! There is no groom, Rand.

I'm marrying myself
to make a statement about empowerment.

What the... You just did this
to get my attention, didn't you?

God, that's so stupid, it's sexy.

You narcissist,

trying to make my wedding
to myself about you.

[Myc] Wow, I'm starting to see
why you're so f*cked-up, Reagan.

There are layers.

Dad, you have to leave.

Does this mean that we're not going
to the edge of the Earth?

[flat-earthers] Aw!

But I wore my best fanny pack.

Okay, sirs, my father tricked you.

He does not think that the Earth is flat.
He was just using you to get to our boat.

You lied to us?

But we were so close,

like the North Pole and the South Pole.

Oh, come on.

You don't actually think
the Earth is flat, right?

Of course I do.

Why would YouTube lie to me?

[mocking] "Because that's
how they get rich?"

I find that hard to believe.

Look, if you agree to go,
then I'll let you in on a secret.

[discreetly] The Earth is not flat,
but it is hollow.

We put this cap on it to keep krakens
from eating people's boats.

Enough!

You sphere mongers have been talking down

to us flat-earthers for years.

[flat-earthers] Yeah!

- Well, no more.
- [dramatic music playing]

[guests gasp]

- [woman] Oh no!
- [gasps]

They got g*ns?

They're adult men
who still use chat rooms.

Of course they have g*ns.

Don't worry, they're just bluff...

- [g*n fires]
- Oh my God, he just sh*t the bouncer!

[screaming]

No more communication with the mainland.

Look at me. Look at me.

I'm the captain now.

[dramatic music plays]

Hand over your wallets, cell phones,
and any spherical objects.

Robots? Aliens? I knew it.

It's the Deep State.
My theories are all correct.

[Myc] I'm not an alien.

I'm a subterranean sentient mushroom
from a hive cluster...

Okay, that's a lot to remember,
so you're an alien.

Now which one of you Illuminatis

is gonna tell me
where the edge of the Earth is?

This is your fault.

Everything you touch comes unglued.

Our marriage, our child...

[Rand] Of course Reagan's screwed-up.

She spent nine months inside of you.

f*ck! f*ck! If I don't get
this situation under control,

I'm gonna miss my flight to Bora-Bora.

- [Glenn on headset] What's going on?
- Glenn? Where are you?

[Glenn sighs] In a flesh prison
of my own making.

We got boat-jacked by flat-Earth pirates.

They're taking a stand about... Against...

Uh... The purpose of the whole movement,
it's not really clear,

but they are armed and uninformed!

[Glenn] Uninvited guests?

- [dramatic music plays]
- Not on my watch.

[coughs]

Okay, there's an air vent
above the ballroom.

Make your way to it.

[grunts]

I think we have a sh*t
if we take these guys by surprise.

All right, Glenn,

the best way to prove you're not fat
is to k*ll people.

Let's do this.

- [thudding]
- [grunting]

- Okay, Glenn, I'm ready.
- Copy. Flipper is in the net. [trills]

I can't believe I've been taken hostage
on my own yacht.

This is unconscionable.

Holding all these people
in a hot, stuffy room for hours on end,

making us pee in bottles
with no paid sick leave.

This is in no way ironic to me.

Well, I, for one,
want to buy your yacht even more

now that it has the rich history
of a pirate takeover.

What luxury.

Here's your sh*t bucket.

[hyperventilating]

I'm having a panic att*ck.
I need to calm myself with calming noises.

Scat, scat, scat! A-ooh, a-ooh!

- [Myc] Actually, uh, can you sh**t me?
- Quiet!

Someone tells me
how to get to the edge of the Earth,

or a hostage dies every hour,

starting with the richest man
in the world.

[guests gasp]

[cocks g*n]

Wh... what about Bezos?

- He's the second-richest man.
- Second?

Unless you've been lying.

Even though we are both wealthy enough

that the actual number
is abstract and meaningless,

and anyone in their right mind
would just pay their taxes,

I am, in fact, the richer man.

I accept my fate.

Brett, what are you doing?

If they k*ll Bezos,
he won't be able to buy your boat.

Damn it, you beautiful, brave, simple man.

- [flat-earthers grunt]
- [Brett grunts]

Glenn, it's now or never.

Almost there.
Just a few more feet. [grunts]

- Glenn?
- Uh, we have a problem.

- What?
- We're gonna need a bigger boat.

Damn it, I can't do this alone.

[slurps] Darling, you had months
to find a plus-one.

Mom, can you please stop telling me
how to live my... life?

I need some kind of distraction

so I can fix the ship's radio
and call for help.

- Can you guys help me out here?
- Have you read The Secret?

We could try manifesting
a little positivity.

Manifest my ass!

Will you two shut up?

If I wanted to listen to parents arguing,

I would've stayed
in me and my mom's bedroom.

Actually, they won't shut up

unless you let my mom finish her wedding

and lock my dad in a room downstairs.

Ah sh*t.

Do that, and I will take you
to the Earth's edge.

- Finally. All right, lock him up.
- [Rand grunts]

Lock all our Deep State friends up.

- ["The Four Seasons" playing]
- Please be seated. We gather here again.

You okay, Bezos?

No! Thanks to Joffrey,

everyone thinks
I'm the second-richest man in the world.

I've never been more humiliated.

Uh, he saved your life.

Well, his kindness is his weakness.

I'm buying your boat and renaming it

the SS Alexa Blue Origin
Whole Foods Fresh.

Who wants an Echo Dot?

[wails]

You did it. Attaboy, Joffrey.

And now for the exchange of the ring.

Oh no! I forgot the ring!

I'll be right back.

Harold, do me a favor
and read Corinthians.

Um... Uh, oh.

"Love is patient, love is kind."

[faintly] "It does not envy,
it does not boast,

it is not proud. It does not dishonor..."

[whirring]

[Echo Dots chiming]

[Echo Dots] Hello. What do people
think is round but is actually flat?

Uh, the Earth.

[Echo Dots] No, your balls.

[suspenseful music plays]

Okay, just patch this baby up,
and everything will be back under control.

[Rand] And then Tamiko says
I never listen to her

because I'm only focused on negativity,
chaos, and revenge.

Or something like that.
I wasn't listening.

Let's f*ck these pirates up.
Who's with me?

What am I even doing with my life?

I work in a basement
with a mushroom and a dolphin. What?

Where's the kid that wrote slam poetry?

I should've been a screenwriter.
It's not that hard! [pants]

[Myc] Eh, beats listening to this.

- We're in.
- I am in as well.

- [dramatic music plays]
- [imitates cocking a g*n]

Let's give these assholes
a latitude adjustment.

[Brett] Whoa! Whoa!

"...it is not easily angered..."

Stop. I can't do this.

The energy is all wrong.

[all screaming]

- See you 'round.
- [flat-earthers grunt]

Ha ha! Easy-peasy. [sips]

- [Myc] Flat's all, folks!
- [flat-earther wails]

Celebrate curves!

- [grunts]
- Jeff, this is all fixable.

Screw that. Deal's off.

If I wanted a sinking ship,
I'd buy another print newspaper.

[dramatic music playing]

[grunts] Yippee ki-yay,
mother-basement-dweller!

Guys, I'm in the sunken place!

[radio static]

[tuning, buzzes]

There we go. Mayday, Mayday.
We've been h*jacked by pirates.

I've diffused the situation,
but we're gonna need backup.

[man] Roger that.
We have received your transmission.

What are your coordinates?

m*therf*cker!

Our coordinates are 40.3 north...

What the f*ck?

[Myc] I got ya, fucker!

Mom! Dad!

- [yells] Can't take your eyes off...
- Get off me!

- Oh my God.
- Don't even look at me. You disgust me.

Congratulations. It's total f*cking chaos.
You know what, Mom?

I am taking your advice,
and I am worrying about myself.

Have fun solving your own problems.

Time for my own me-rriage, dickwads.

Oh no, you don't.

[Myc] Hold on...

- [grunts] My flagella!
- [shudders]

You're taking me to the edge of the Earth,
one way or another.

- [gasps]
- Look what you did.

Mother's coming to save you.

With what, veiled criticism?

Are you serious?

Are you serious?

[Myc] Are you serious?

Are you serious?

Are you serious?

I'm serious. Drive.

[sighs] He's serious.

[motor revving]

[suspenseful music plays]

I'm telling you, the Earth is not flat!
I made the whole thing up.

You were gullible before.
Why can't you be gullible now?

Brilliant, Rand.
Taunt the man with the g*n.

You got a better plan?

I had a plan, but you guys ruined it,

because all you ever do is hurt each other

and create a big ol' shitstorm
that rains down on me.

So when do we get to the edge?

Soon. We just have to maintain our heading

of 140 degrees at 25 knots,

which are specific coordinates

that we are going to, Glenn...
I mean, Harold.

- [rope tightens]
- [Brett] We gotta help Reagan.

The radio's busted, the engine controls
are sh*t. What can we do?

There was something
I could have done, my duty.

- I can still hear Reagan's voice now.
- [Reagan speaks indistinctly]

Because she's talking
into your headset, Glenn.

[Reagan] Again, our heading
is 140 degrees at 25 knots.

Why is she going that way?
That just leads them out to the open sea.

[Andre] No, it doesn't.

- [dramatic music plays]
- [Myc] Sober Andre?

Guess again. I found a sweet teenth
of psilocybin, and it just kicked in.

[Myc] That was not yours to lick.

[grunting]

With Reagan's trajectory,

combined with a tailwind of...

[pops]...seven and a half knots,

she's taking them
to the portal to the Hollow Earth!

Of course. She can't bring Harold
to the edge of the Earth,

but she can make him think she is.

[Myc] Andre, this is your brain on dr*gs.

Keep licking.

- [laughing] Oh!
- [Andre licking]

- [Myc laughing]
- [foghorn blows]

MI6. Got your Mayday.

Can we be of assistance?

Yes. I need a satellite phone, stat.

[beeping]

Cognito HQ. Open the Hollow Earth portal.

Wait! When the ocean water
drains into the portal,

it'll create a whirlpool
that will suck Reagan's boat in!

Swim to Reagan! Swim like the wind!

Sir, yes, sir.

[trilling]

Godspeed, you buoyant monstrosity.

[whales squealing]

[dramatic choral music playing]

Bruce Almighty.

Welcome to the edge of flat Earth.

It's true! It's really true!

- Take that, empirical evidence!
- Uh-oh.

Uh, why are we drifting
towards that huge waterfall?

[tense music playing]

Holy sh*t.

[panting] So tired. Must use ocean powers.

[trilling]

[seals barking]

[trills] Seal Team Six,
head southeast on the double!

[seals barking] Yes, sir!

Hang on!

Uh, Reagan, honey,
time to go full throttle.

- [grunts]
- [Harold] Yes! Yes! Keep going.

I swear on my divorce lawyer's Maserati,
I will not die next to this assh*le!

Ah, you can make
an abyss feel claustrophobic.

Will you shut up?

[screams]

[all screaming]

Oh?

[grunting]

[all sighing in relief]

[laughing]

You made it to the edge, Harold.
Yay! Let's go home.

Home? No way. I wanna keep going.

But you can't. It's the edge.

Yeah, and when you go over it,

it wraps around to the other side
of the Earth like in Pac-Man.

Oh, I finally get to see Australia.

Oh Jesus Christ.

Harold, YouTube and Joe Rogan
are lying for your money and attention.

Most conspiracies are just capitalism.

Reagan, you fulfilled my life's dream.

You don't have to come with me,
but I'm going to a land down under.

Harold, wait.
Listen, this is not the Earth's edge.

This is the portal to the Earth's core.

Remember the sea monsters on old maps?

They're down there!

Pfft! Okay, what do I look like, an idiot?

[in Australian accent] G'day, mate!

Don't feel bad, darling.
He's in a better place now.

Yeah, you'd... Come on, totally.

Mole people are like four feet tall.
They'll treat him like he's a king.

Let's get out of here.

[motor starts]

Just try not to fight
on the ride back, okay?

It's the least you can do
for making me miss my flight.

[sad music playing]

I'm sorry, Reagan.

Our uncoupling
has been anything but conscious.

And I'm tired of being the bitter ex.

- Maybe it's time to bury the hatchet.
- What do you mean?

We got our bride. We got a witness.

The sunset is perfect right now.

Tamiko, will you remarry me?

- [dramatic music plays]
- No! No!

- No! Glenn!
- [trilling]

- [seal barks]
- [screaming]

Hey, wait...

- ["Pachelbel's Canon" playing]
- [Reagan sighs]

Now that we took care of that,
Mom, do you take you to be your bride,

to have and to hold,
in sickness and in health

for as long as you... both shall live?

I do.

By the power vested in me
by the Deep State,

I now pronounce you spiritually renewed.

You may kiss the you.

[smooching]

[Glenn trilling]

["Pachelbel's Canon" continues]

[grunts]

[sighs]

I hear you handled yourself
quite famously with those pirates.

Are you interested
in any other type of seaman?

Normally, that'd be a "hell no,"

but I have been inspired by my mom
to say yes to me, for once.

And you have an accent.

[both moaning]

[Reagan grunts]

The Coast Guard said
they can tow your yacht in to shore.

I got a better plan. Look.

- [growling]
- Is that a kraken?

Hell yes.

I'm about to collect
on my yacht insurance policy.

Hey, has anyone seen Jeff Bezos?

Is the fight over? Guys?

- [kraken growling]
- [gasps, grunts]

This is why I don't allow bathroom breaks!

[belches]

I can't believe Jeff Bezos is dead,

and right in his prime.

[all laughing]

[somber music plays]

[dramatic choral music playing]