01x07 - Ghost Protocol

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Inside Job". Aired: October 22, 2021 - present.*
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Anti-social genius Reagan Ridley and her dysfunctional team work to hide the world's conspiracies.
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01x07 - Ghost Protocol

Post by bunniefuu »

[slow electronic music playing]

[groans]

Oh God.

I can't believe I hooked up
with a caterer at my mom's wedding.

No, Reagan, you have worked hard.

You have earned a fling
with a random dude.

[mysterious jazz music playing]

Wait a second.

[in British accent] The name
is Masters, Rafe Masters.

[drunkenly] Why are you saying
your name backwards, weirdo?

This guy's a weirdo.

Two martinis, shaken, not stir...

f*ck that!
Let's do some f*cking sh*ts, bitch!

[belches]

- [all chanting] Reagan! Reagan!
- [gulping]

[spits, laughs]

This one goes out
to all the lovers in the crowd.

[mic feedback]

[both] ♪ Baby ♪

[smooching, moaning]

[camera clicks]

Oh no.

Mmm.

You may have apprehended those pirates,
but I got the booty.

- [shudders] Blech.
- I'll make us an English breakfast.

How do you take your beans?

Yeah, my day is, uh, kind of packed.

I've gotta topple
some dictators after this.

Oh sh*t!

Funny, I don't remember
ordering a wake-up call.

- [action music playing]
- [Rafe and henchmen grunting]

- [grunting continues]
- [gasps]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[groans]

[both grunting]

Ugh. Smooth move, Reagan.

Try to have a normal, boring fling
and end up with a secret agent.

- [grunts]
- [gasps]

[grunts]

Well, this att*ck was over easy.

[mysterious jazz music plays]

Wait a second. You're walking out on me?

Masters, Rafe Masters?

[weakly] Yeah,
this guy's a f*cking legend. [grunts]

Super nice meeting you.

We should totally do this again sometime.

How about an unspecified time
that never comes up?

Okay, bye!

[henchman screaming]

Oh, my other shoe.

Taxi.

[electronic music playing]

[door creaks]

[playfully] Hey, Reagan.

- [groans]
- [Andre] Hey, girl. There she is.

[Myc] You were
f*cking hilarious last night.

I hereby bestow my title
of office wildcard to you, Reagan.

- So, how was it?
- How was what?

Oh, come on.

We saw you making out...

[in British accent]
...with the Masters, Rafe Masters.

Please stop saying it like that.

We need to know everything.
What's his pube situation?

[Myc] Do his condoms
look like little tuxedos?

What happens in the bedroom
is nobody's business except Congress.

But in this case, I'll allow it.
Dish, girl.

Guys, there's not much to tell.

Forgettable sex,
only five or six casualties, a fling.

Ugh, I've always wanted to be a superspy.

I used to watch all the James Bond movies.

I even had a secret identity.

In public, my parents would tell people
I was someone else's kid.

[Myc] Yeesh.

Brett's repressed trauma aside,
it was just a one-night thing.

I... I'll probably never even see
the guy again.

- [door creaks]
- [mysterious jazz music plays]

Well, hello, all.

[both] Holy sh*t.

Team, I'm not sure
if you remember Agent Masters,

but seeing as he really saved our bums

during that whole
flat-Earth pirate situation...

That was me.

I made an expl*sive
out of an Amazon Alexa.

...we're going to be helping him out
with an MI6 mission,

stopping his evil nemesis,
Dr. SkullFinger,

who, by the way,
currently resides in a gorgeous

seven-bedroom, eight-bathroom lair
with 360 ocean views...

Scoundrel.

...from unleashing
a powerful mind-control device

on the populace.

But we use mind control all the time.

Like our memory erasers.

Just this week, I used one on myself

to forget the ending of Breaking Bad
so I could rewatch it.

[Myc] Walt dies, Jesse lives, big deal.

g*dd*mn it.

But SkullFinger's device
is far more powerful.

This thing can wipe your whole mind clean.

It's way more evil.
So we have to eliminate the competition.

Reagan, I want you
designing Rafe's gadgets

and running point
from the surveillance boat.

- [groans]
- [Rafe] Mmm.

Hey, let me know if you need
a bitchin' Spotify playlist.

Oh my God, a Spot-i-spy playlist.

Oh, oh!

I'll make the puns around here, thank you.

[laughs] Please like me.

[sarcastically] Rafe,
so glad to be working with you.

Yes, I can't wait to bond, Team Bond.

- [laughs]
- [groans]

- [J.R. laughs]
- [laughs] Hey, laughing is great.

sh*t. sh*t. sh*t. I cannot believe this.

I can't work with someone
I've hooked up with.

Can't you just tell him
you're not interested?

You're usually Miss Brutal Honesty.

Remember when you made Glenn cry
at his own birthday?

I was dancing too confidently,
and I needed to hear it.

It's different with relationships.

Everybody I've ever broken up with

makes me feel like the bad guy
just for being direct.

Took the liberty of grabbing
an extra pudding cup for my pudding.

You're boring!
You're f*cking boring, Steve.

And the only thing
keeping us together is inertia,

and I feel more attachment
to this disposable fork than I do to you!

- [Steve sniffles]
- [gasps] You monster.

[crowd] Boo.

From now on, my new strategy
is to avoid hurt feelings,

send zero signals,
and just hope the guy gets the message.

- [mysterious music plays]
- [door lock beeping]

- Rafe?
- [sexy music plays]

I guess I couldn't bear to leave.

What the hell? Did you...

- Did you bring that from home?
- What do you mean?

You literally dragged
an entire bearskin rug in here.

- Yes.
- Just so you could make that pun?

- Yes.
- You got that rug...

- Right.
- Put it in your car...

Drove over here, correct.

So you could say,
"I couldn't bear to leave."

Bear to leave, right.

I'm confused. I... is sex happening?

[beeps]

[groans]

[Reagan on radio] To the left.

Now a little... a little to the right.

Okay. Now make your entrance
as quietly as possible.

[alarm blaring]

Nice of me to drop in.

- Rafe, what the f*ck?
- [gasps]

You're supposed to be a secret agent.

And why are you wearing a tuxedo?

This is a covert mission.
It's not the Emmys.

Sorry, love. Loudly is
the only way I know how to enter.

- Come on, man.
- Awesome.

Can we just keep things
professional, please?

Twelve bogeys approaching.

[action music playing]

- Initiate shoe-merang.
- [Myc] Shoe-merang?

It was kind of a name came first,
idea came second kind of thing.

Sorry, gentlemen,
just need to tie these laces.

[henchmen grunting and groaning]

May God rest your soles.

- Yes!
- [groans]

This man is the Michael Jordan
of casual m*rder.

Okay, Rafe,
now you just need to find the machine.

Well, if it isn't the constant thorn
in my side, Rafe Masters.

[Rafe] Dr. SkullFinger.

Seems I've managed
to penetrate your defenses.

I assure you, that's the last thing
you'll be penetrating.

Are you sensing kind of a... vibe
between these two?

Ugh. I don't know.
Everything this guy says is horny.

Behold Project Gaslight.

- [dramatic music plays]
- [gasps]

[both] Looks like a d*ck.

- [laughs]
- [Myc] b*at you to it.

Ever since I fell in that vat of skulls
and became wickedly twisted,

I dreamed of this day.

Rafe, it's time. Release the nanobots.

SkullFinger, prepare to receive my load.

Okay, yeah, I do hear it.

What? No, my beautiful machine!

Where on earth did you acquire
such advanced technology?

From my new girlfriend.

- Whoa, we did not discuss that.
- [coworkers laughing]

Damn you, Masters.

I couldn't have done this
without your wonderful gadgets, Reagan,

and now that
we've gotten rid of the skull,

it's time to finger.

[coworkers laughing]

Okay, f*ck it,
I gotta break things off with this guy.

Rafe, okay, we need to talk.
The boat was fun.

Especially the sex part.

Uh-huh. The thing is, that night,

I was just trying to get
something out of my system.

What I'm trying to say
is this has run its course.

Wait a second,
are you breaking up with me?

[cries] How could you treat me like this

after leading me on
with all those gadgets?

[sobbing]

Is she abusing that man?

What a heartless woman.

- Misandry strikes again.
- Why?

- Why?! [cries]
- What?

No. [chuckles]
I'm not breaking up with you.

Phew. Okay.

Because I have some very exciting news.

I've actually been checking out
houses in DC

so I could move here indefinitely.

What?!

[robotic voice] This is totally fine.

[Myc] So let me get this straight.

You finally get laid
by the first guy this year

who doesn't run on a charger,

and you want to ditch him?

The guy is totally smothering me.

I just want Dr. No f*cking Clue
to Brexit my life

without me having to feel guilty about it.

I don't understand this at all.
You're so lucky.

I'd do anything to spend more time
with Rafe. Has he mentioned me?

Girl, if you wanna really get rid
of this dude,

there's only one solution left.

- Ghost Protocol.
- [eerie music plays]

Ghost Protocol?

You use Cognito's resources
to fake your own death

then go off the grid until he moves on.

[discreetly] Trust me,
this is how I've helped

all the biggest dead celebrities
escape the spotlight.

The world thinks
Tupac and Biggie are gone,

but they're living their best lives

in Upstate New York
with three Pomeranians.

- Aw.
- We've all used the program for ourselves.

I ghosted Ann Coulter.

She made me role-play as a liberal
just so she could drink my tears.

Uh, I used it too.

I had to ghost my old Burning Man crew
at the Orgy Dome.

What's the point of anonymous sex

if you add each other
on Facebook afterwards?!

[Myc] I had to ghost Joe Rogan. [shudders]

He loved tripping on mushrooms,
but once he was high,

he'd make me watch
these Jordan Peterson videos with him.

I had to end it.

So, what do you think?

Hmm.

Fake my death
to avoid getting texts from a man.

[phone pings]

[dramatic music plays]

f*ck it.

Ghost Protocol me.

[J.R. laughs] Oh wow.

What a kitchen.

Is the stove gas or electric?

Oh, it's magma-powered.

Of course.

Pots and pans, plots and plans. [laughs]

Oh, and is that a doggy door for henchmen?

You're telling me SkullFinger
tore up the original hardwood?

What a monster.

The granite
is so elegant though, isn't it?

Makes it so much easier
to clean up human remains.

Well, I'm sold. Where do I sign?

Just in blood, right here.

I can drain the employee pension fund,

buy this place for cheap,

and start
a tasty little Airbnb side hustle.

[laughs]

Jesus. I've been
in the evil real estate game for 15 years,

but that man's a psycho.

[mellow acoustic guitar music playing]

Rafe, over here.

- [laughs] Reagan.
- I can't wait to go on our second date.

Oh no! What's that?

- [tires screeching]
- [dramatic music playing]

Lock and load, Noel.

["The Flower Duet" playing]

[in slo-mo] Reagan!

[g*n f*ring]

No!

[tires screeching]

[yells]

- I've been sh*t so much! [grunts]
- [sad music playing]

[shouting] No!

Reagan!

I loved her,
and she fell in garbage and exploded.

[sobs]

Oh my goodness.
What a sudden, elaborate death.

But what do I know?

I'm just a very hot
and very single onlooker.

[sniffles]

[whimsical music plays]

[gasps]

Hell yeah, I'm dead!

I've never felt more alive.

Here, you've earned this.

[trills, gulps]

No!

But maybe yes.

[crying loudly]

Okay, the crisis actors are all in place.

These are pre-written eulogies.
Please recite them verbatim.

"Hi. I'm Andre. Gee, I hope
I don't roll this eulogy up and smoke it."

Is this what you really think of me?

I'm not just a drug guy, you know?
I speak Latin.

- Yeah, sure.
- Uh-huh.

[Myc] Whatever, dude,
you love weed. We get it.

"Reagan Ridley had a brilliant mind,

but she also knew how to rock a bold lip."

[titters]

You wish.

"Reagan was an American hero."

"We didn't agree politically, but..."

Hmm, just ends there.

[Myc] What can I say about Reagan

that I haven't already written
on a bathroom stall at work?

[sobbing] Why? Why?!

[exhales]

Time to enjoy my death and catch up
on some Great British Bake Off.

[sobbing]

Hey, man, I know you're hurting.
Is there anything that could cheer you up?

Driving a t*nk
through a bombed-out Soviet village?

Choking someone out with a cumberbund?

Oh, thank you. Brett, was it?

But no, the only thing
that could bring me peace

is finding Reagan's k*ller.

- [dramatic music plays]
- Right, her k*ller.

Well, um, I, uh, guess it could be anyone.

- [Myc laughing]
- [camera clicks]

Do you wanna hear my confessions?

- Oh come on.
- Ashes to ashes, m*therf*cker.

You know, now that you mention it, Brett,
everyone here is acting a little strange.

What? No, they're...
I didn't mean to imply...

Yes, it's like
they don't even care Reagan's dead.

Something's not right here.

Probably best not to speculate.

Brett, thanks specifically
to your observations,

I'm starting to think
this may have been an inside job.

Uh...

[Myc] Ha, I get it.

I'm gonna get to the bottom of it,
but I'm gonna need a hand, an agent hand.

- What do you say?
- [gasps]

You want me to help you?

Oh my God, am I dreaming?
This is the best day of my life!

So sorry for our loss.

[Andre] You just got ashed, sucker!

And so that's the difference
between a macaroon and a macaron.

It's crazy, right?

Fascinating. You need to ante.

Guys, being dead?
Best thing that's ever happened to me.

I get to binge-watch TV.
I don't have to answer any texts.

I blew off jury duty.

[chuckles] I'm almost gonna be sad
when Rafe goes back to the UK.

- [car horn plays "God Save the Queen"]
- Did you hear that?

- [car horn honking]
- [tires screeching]

[car crashes]

Where is the confounded valet?

Oh my Go... What is he doing here?
Who told him about poker night?

- Uh-huh.
- [button beeps]

[Brett yelling, grunts]

- [car alarm wailing]
- Damn it, Brett.

Oh, wow, awesome. Ejector seat.

Do any of these buttons dispense Advil?

They're coming! You gotta hide me.

I just disappear you.
It's on you to stay disappeared.

g*dd*mn it,
can't even enjoy my death in peace.

Hey, dudes.

My new, uh, partner here
insisted on coming to poker night,

and I couldn't think of
any believable reasons why he shouldn't.

Mind if I enter your little game?

I brought $100,000
in nonsequential, unmarked bills.

[Myc] Uh, it's a five-dollar buy-in.

Welp, I am gonna grab a brewski

and, uh, a seltzer for him.

Shaken, not stirred.

- You want me to shake the seltzer?
- I drink everything shaken!

Now, let's play.

What is he still doing in town?

He says he wants to find your k*ller,

and, uh, he maybe kind of sort of thinks
someone on the team is involved.

- And why would he think that?
- I don't know.

They were acting
pretty suspicious at the funeral.

On the bright side,
I'm learning so much spy stuff.

Rafe taught me
how to blow up a vault with a motorcycle.

It involves more vodka than you'd think.

- [scary music plays]
- Hey, what are you doing?

All right, I'm all in.

- Dude.
- What the f*ck?

[Myc] We said five bucks, man.

I call.

[groups gasps]

[Rafe] Interesting.

Unlike everyone else here,
you have no tells,

and in my line of work,

those tend to be the people
with the most to hide.

Tell me where Reagan's k*ller is!
What do you know?

Damn, why am I always attracted to crazy?

[deep voice] Not one more word,
or your little sidekick here gets it

at the hands of the nefarious, uh,

Strainer Face.

Strainer Face?

Yes, that checks out.

Just as I suspected,
you were harboring Reagan's k*ller.

You should just give up
and move on with your life.

Maybe take a pottery class or something.

I'll never give up.
Reagan wouldn't have wanted me to.

[sighs]

How are you so wrong all the time?

- Oh.
- Henchmen, roll out.

[group coughing]

g*dd*mn Strainer Face.

[coughing]

They left me?

I... I mean... I mean, escaped us.

We'll track them down. I have my methods.

But in the meantime,
if you're going to be a superspy,

you need to be able to defend yourself
in situations like this.

- I want to give you something.
- A g*n?

Even better. This is a special timepiece
that emits a cloud of knockout gas.

It was the last spy gadget
Reagan ever made me.

So you get a p*stol,
and I get a little watch that farts?

- Yes, that's basically it.
- Okay, okay, I'm into it.

Yes, that's right.

Divert the entire pension fund
into my personal account.

It's not embezzling.
It's a surefire investment.

I'm invezzling.

I mean, this is America.

This is barely illegal.

- f*cking tight-ass.
- [phone dialing]

Alan, it's J.R.

Have I got an opportunity for you.

Are you still looking for an island
where you can hunt interns for sport?

Better snap it up before Oprah does.

Gigi, thanks for letting us crash
at Tupac and Biggie's old safe house.

You can really tell
they weren't getting along at this point.

Reagan, this is not a long-term solution.

Look at us.
No one can agree what to watch on TV.

Glenn has totally destroyed
our snack supply.

[chomping] What? I stress eat.

[sneezes]

[Myc] Yeah, Reagan.
We're all hiding in a panic room

from your psychopath boyfriend.

It's time to call it. Pull the Band-Aid.

Oh, really?
Would you tell Joe Rogan the truth?

[Myc] I mean, he would probably say
the truth is a spectrum,

and I would tell him that makes no sense,

and then he'd put me into a headlock,
get insanely high,

and then jump into
a sensory deprivation t*nk, so no.

And, Andre,
I assume you're gonna be telling

that insane sex cult where to find you?

Oh God, no.

I really don't have
the emotional bandwidth

for multiple sex cults right now.

See? You're all hypocrites.

We've all ghosted people,
and this is the craziest one of them all.

I am telling you,
we just need to wait him out.

In breaking news, supervillain SkullFinger
was captured at his island lair,

which is on the market...

Or find him a distraction.

[suspenseful music playing]

[power shuts down]

It's you. How'd you get in here?

You'd be shocked what a combination

of science and feminine wiles
can accomplish.

[device voice] AI mission assist
reports zero seductions.

Okay, fine, it was all science.

Look, I'm here to bust you out
so you can be Rafe's nemesis again.

I've heard the way
you guys talk to each other.

You are meant to be together.

Oh, honey, no, thanks.

I actually realized
that whole hero-nemesis thing

was, like, super toxic.

I mean, the guy was obsessed with me.

- Honestly, he's...
- A bit much.

A bit much, yes.

Plus, life in here is way easier.
I'm doing yoga, learning to cross-stitch.

I'm even catching up
on Great British Bake Off.

It's amazing, right?

Macarons and macaroons. I had no idea.

I know.

[sighing] Well, I get it.

At this point, I just wish the guy
would forget about me completely.

You know, if that's what you want,

you could always just rebuild
Project Gaslight.

The blueprints for it
are still at my volcanic island lair.

While you're at it,
would you mind feeding my evil cat?

I've never wiped
someone's mind completely blank.

- It seems...
- Evil?

You are a mad scientist, are you not?

I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed.

But you do want to take over
the world, right?

Everyone wants that.

Honey, denial isn't just a river
I tried to steal with a laser.

I'm a good person. I just need to finish
this one thing. I'll need some...

- Henchmen?
- Friends.

Let's keep it up, guys.

After this,
we can go back to our normal lives.

[Myc] Reagan, do we really have to build
this huge machine? Can't you just milk me?

Jesus, Myc,
that is your solution for everything.

[mocking] We have to brainwash Congress.
Milk me.

There was a t*rror1st att*ck. Milk me.

It's not enough.

Rafe is hardwired with decades
of codependency and toxic masculinity.

- On top of that, he's obsessed with me.
- Brag.

Fixing this is gonna take
something stronger.

[Myc] Well,
you don't have to insult my goo.

[meowing]

Well, hey there, little buddy. I...

- [hisses]
- Oh, ow! g*dd*mn evil cat! God! [groans]

I'll be right back. I'm gonna raid
SkullFinger's closet for a clean shirt.

Could I pull off a black turtleneck?

You guys would tell me
if I couldn't pull that off, right?

[Brett laughs] Oh!

[laughs] Nothing like the intimacy
of a tandem jump.

I feel so close to you.

Ah! [grunts]

- Oh. Excellent work, Agent Hand.
- [exhales] Oh.

Now, remember your training,

and you'll be getting
your double-0 status in no time.

Wow, so you mentioned me to MI6?

Oh, well, I mean, not yet,
but I'm going to,

just as soon as we're done
with this mission.

Once I find that k*ller,

I'm going to sh**t so many people,
it will make the American news.

[dramatic music plays]

Oh man.

[group gasps]

Knock, knock. Who's there?

Death.

- And Brett.
- [Myc gasps] How did you find us?

I simply activated my tracker
in Reagan's cell phone.

You installed a tracker in Reagan's phone?

Uh, yes, obviously.
I do that in every relationship.

- Don't you guys?
- [Myc] No, I don't.

- That's f*cked up.
- [Myc] That's being a stalker.

Whatever, I'm a spy.

- [cocks g*n]
- Now, where is the man

who k*lled my girlfriend? Where is he?

Not so fast, Rafe.

Brett. But why?

If being a secret agent
means that I have to be like you,

then I don't want to.

You're not suave and cool.
You're insecure.

- And honestly, kind of a huge misogynist.
- Uh, yeah.

- A little bit.
- [Myc] Totally.

It's almost like guys with weapons
are compensating for something.

[shouts] Hell yeah!

This bad boy's got some f*cking firepower!

Whoo! What? What'd I miss?

So, unfortunately, Agent Masters,

your time has run out.

[gasps]

- [device farts]
- [Rafe gasps, coughs]

- [Myc] Nice pun.
- Well-done.

- Tagline worthy.
- [Gigi] Mm-hmm.

What's happening? What's going on?

- [dramatic music playing]
- [grunting]

What's wrong, Rafe?
Don't like being tied down?

[Myc] You know, this look
is actually an improvement for you.

sh*t, that stings.

Wait a second. Reagan?

But... but you're dead.

Yeah, and yet you still stalked me here.

I mean, what is it gonna take?

I was just trying to avoid
being the bad guy.

[dramatic music plays]

And I guess I can see how that turned out.

[powering down]

What are you going to do to me?

Well, I was going to erase
every woman you've ever dated.

No, not Chesty McThong
and Bosoms Naturale and Nora Gag Reflex.

But I've learned that sometimes
the hard thing is the right thing.

Rafe, I faked my death
because you're a clingy psycho.

No, that's not possible.
I'm universally regarded as charming.

You are a corny, regressive stereotype,

and the only people who think you're cool
are dads or people that didn't have dads.

Damn, that is accurate.

And more than that,

I don't think that we have
good sexual chemistry either!

For a guy who's been
with thousands of women,

you really don't seem to know
what you're doing down there!

What is this, mind games?

This is an honest conversation
with a woman.

Stop, it's t*rture!

You know what?
It's time that I did the right thing too.

- [phone beeps]
- Hello, Ann.

I didn't die in a tuna net
on Deadliest Catch.

I just didn't wanna see you anymore.

Hello. Orgy Dome? It's Andre.

I should have had the balls
to end things with you face-to-face

and ass-to-ass.

[Myc] Hey, Rogan, why don't you ask Jamie
to pull up a clip of me dumping your ass?

Reagan, I'm sorry
for picking Rafe over the team.

I got caught up in the spy game,

and, well, I guess
I was just too damn good at it.

Brett, you were terrible at it.

But it's okay. I'm sorry
for leaving you with that psycho.

So, what do we do about him?

I'll take it from here.

- What are you doing here?
- Something you said stuck with me, Reagan.

You're right. Rafe and I are meant to be.

SkullFinger?
What are you going to do to me?

Well, first of all,

I'm going to use a solar-powered laser
to burn off your testicles.

And then?

Uh, do you guys wanna get out of here
before this gets weirder?

- Immediately.
- This is an abomination.

- [Myc] I was already leaving.
- I would like to stay and watch, actually.

Guys, thanks
for helping me out back there.

I promise I will make it up to you
when we get back to the...

[tense music plays]

- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?

- Well, I was just...
- We were just...

- We're taking the helicopter.
- All righty, see you Monday.

[rock music plays]

[Brett] Should one of us have warned J.R.
what he's about to...

[Gigi] Who cares? We're off the clock.

[J.R. screams]

["Tacky Humalong"
by Frank Mizen & Chris Norton playing]
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