01x10 - Inside Reagan (Part 2)

[bunniefuu]

Do you need a hug?

f*cking what?

This whole time Bear-o was the mole?

Yeah, and conveniently not me.

I call bullshit on this plot twist.
I still think it was Brett.

What?

Why would you do any of this?

Steal the file? Shut down the company?

t*nk my promotion?

My prime directive.

Bear-o is supposed to make Reagan happy.

I'm not unhappy, Bear-o. I'm just...

How do you explain
resting bitch face to a robot?

See, her neutral face looks pissed,

but it doesn't mean that she's mad...

...except for when she is mad,
which is usually.

I've been watching you,

and you are not happy.

Look at your cortisol levels,

your sleep patterns,

your Adderall consumption.

You're wasting your life
for a company you hate,

with coworkers who want to k*ll you.

I'm taking this place down

so you can be free.

Remember your life dream, Reagan?

You were going to be a Lego astronaut

and get married on Mars to NSYNC.

NSYNC? That was my dream
when I was eight years old.

Leak file. Destroy Cognito.

Better work-life balance.

Happiness achieved.

No, Bear-o.
I'm giving you new orders.

Access key? f*ck. Uh...

Try "password 123."

That's what I use for all my passwords.

Why do we even have the NSA
when you make it so damn easy?

Denied.

Enough talk.

I don't negotiate with bearorists.

Holy sh*t, he did it.

Glenn was useful!

Dad, did you make Bear-o indestructible?

What? Kids are always breaking sh*t.

Recalculating.

New directive.

Bear-o must eliminate
the people making Reagan sad.

Everybody, run!

Bear-o enjoys hide-and-seek.

f*ck. If we don't get that shutdown code,
Bear-o will k*ll everyone.

What the hell is it?

I don't know.
I let you set it when you were eight

because, of the two of us,
you seemed like the responsible one.

Seriously?

God, I'm sick of your issues.
Why don't you take your Terminator

and have him hunt down
psychiatric help for you?

Hey, my dad was innocent

and the only one here
who didn't turn on me.

A lot of tension in the room,

but how dope is it
that none of us were the mole, huh?

The g*ng is back.

You mean the one
that was Battle Royale-ing each other

20 minutes ago?

All it took was months
of constant near misses

with the apocalypse for us to fall apart.

Normally v*olence makes me horny,

but this is too much.

I need to do something
less toxic with my life,

like run Michael Jackson's estate.

This is too much for me.

You guys are quitting on me?

We don't need
you low-IQ backstabbers anyway.

Team Ridley can take it from here.

I guess it's settled, then.

Coworkers spotted.

Go. I'll cover you.

Whoa!

I'm not leaving.

Reagan forever. Ride or die.

Or possibly ride and die.

Should... should I be writing out a will?

I call dibs on his kidneys.

How the hell am I gonna remember
that shutdown code?

I've had a lot of blackouts, kids.

Trust me when I say
the baggage is still there somewhere.

Is there any sci-fi type of way
to access your childhood memories,

like Inception

or like that South Park episode
that was a parody of Inception?

Wait, I got it.

You know, back in the '80s,
I built a helmet

to access Ronald Reagan's memories

whenever he came down
with a case of "quiet dignity."

We called it Project Jellybean,

which is what he called
his dementia pills.

- Would it still work?
- In theory.

But we'd need a whole t*nk full
of psycho-conductive fluid to restart it.

- And where the hell we gonna get...
- Myc's t*nk!

Ooh, a mind journey.
Man, I can't wait to relive

all our dopest moments together
in your brain

with your fully exonerated father.

Take a hike, J.Crew.
You're out of your depth.

Look, I really messed up today
accusing your dad,

and I wanna make it up to you.

I...

Sweetie, I know this guy is like
your emotional support dog or whatever,

but he abandoned you
and tried to get me eaten by sharks.

When you put it that way...

Sorry, Brett, but I think
Team Ridley will handle this one.

You be on guard duty, okay?

- But, Reagan...
- And don't touch anything.

This is a science lab,
not a Dave & Buster's.

All right, Dad, let's do
what no therapist has ever been able to,

get inside my head.

We find the password, shut down Bear-o,
and save the company.

Corkboard? Red yarn?

Oh no, it's a giant conspiracy board.

Even in my brain, I'm a paranoid maniac
who shops at Michaels.

What you're seeing
is a hypnagogic self-projection

of your own mind.

It's how you see your own thoughts.

- So these Polaroids are my memories?
- Everyone's looks different.

Mine was an alleyway with hobos
that all had the face of my father.

Ugh.

Point is, the stakes
are as high as the concept down here.

If you stare too deep at your trauma,
you could go insane.

We need to stay on course.

Looks like my good memories are over here,

my intrusive thoughts here...

Hey,
should you s*ab your own hand?

C-c-could be interesting!

Those creepy scribbly ones
are probably all my repressed sh*t.

Jesus, that pile is huge.

Eh, most of that is probably all the times
your mother talked about her yoni.

Hey, it's that weaselly kid
who always came in after me

at the science fair.

- What was his name again?
- What, who cares? He's probably dead.

God, it's on the tip of my... Whoa!

Hey, hey, hey!
We shouldn't get distracted.

Hey, glasses, what's your name?

Uh, Orrin Carthwait.

Ah, thank you.

Holy sh*t, I remember.

- Huh? Kid's name?
- Me asking.

The old crazy lady
who came into my classroom that day.

Oh my God, that how I remember myself?

Okay, there's no telling what damage
altering my memories could do.

We need to search for the shutdown code
in my Bear-o memories.

All right, just gotta limber up.

Ooh.

This one has Bear-o. Come on.

Welcome to Jurassic party.

Happy birthday, kiddo.

- What are you gonna wish for?
- Friends?

No. Wish to crush your enemies.
Right, honey?

Wow, I feel confident about this marriage.

No one came to my party,

even though I made a velociraptorbot
to ride and everything.

Chin up, kiddo. Friends are temporary.

m*rder bots are forever.

Oh hey, look, sweetie,
someone actually showed up.

Oh hey, say hello to Mr. Chompy.

Don't mind the squirrel guts.

I'm too young to die!

So just running back to the car
for a jacket or...

Screw that loser kid.

Ugh, why do all my parties end with people
screaming about not wanting to die?

Okay, nothing about a shutdown code here.
Let's go.

Whoa, what the hell? Did you see that?

We must be damaging your memory
just being here. Come on.

Save yourself, Stem Cell Steve.

f*ck you guys!

k*ller sharks, death.

Psycho bear, death.

Shadow prison transport tube...

t*rture?

Take my g*dd*mn fingernails.
I'm getting in that tube!

Not before me you're not.
I'll shank you new gills, m*therf*cker.

I'm not picky. I prefer toilet wine.

Do you have any idea
what this ass will go for in the yard?

Destroy coworkers, achieved.

Eliminate Rand Ridley.

Dear diary, the g*ng is no more,

and Reagan has left me behind.

Friendship status, unknown.

I'll think of a way
to regain your trust, Reagan,

even if it's the last thing I...

Oh crap.
Oh crap, they can't see me in here.

Ah! Not again!

What the...

Ha. Aren't you a little overdressed
for the science lab, dork?

Why don't you
go to homecoming with a book?

Literacy burn. Nice!

Oh my God, she's so weird.

Hey, don't worry about them,
little Reagan... I... I mean, girl.

Someday, you'll get to have
a homecoming too.

This is my homecoming.
I'm a high school senior.

Oh, right. You're a genius.

Thank God someone finally said it.
Too bad no one will go with me.

Um, I know I probably shouldn't interact
with your memories...

My what now?

...but I could take you to the dance.

Hey, good thing I always keep
a bow tie on hand for dance-mergencies.

Sure. I guess you seem harmless
for a guy that appeared in my bushes.

- Name's Reagan.
- Hi, Reagan, I'm Brett.

Hold on. Mom, Dad?

I'm going to the dance
with a stranger in his thirties.

All right.
Have fun, honey. Be back whenever.

If you meet any college boys,
bring one back for me.

Come on,
this one definitely has Bear-o in it.

Give a hand to the team
from Thomas Jefferson Elementary.

Boo! I've seen better science
in a Louisiana textbook.

And now for our next solo entrant,

Reagan Ridley.

Last semester,
we learned about dissecting frogs,

but cutting open a frog
doesn't prepare you for real surgery,

until now.

While I have the organs of a man,

I lack your immortal soul.

Fie unto thee!

Man, I really need to cut back
on all the playing God.

And the top score goes to Reagan Ridley.

- You did it, Reagan.
- We did it, Orrin.

Hold on. There's that kid
with the unforgettably bad bowl cut again.

Why would there be two different versions
of a memory in my head?

I don't know. We're hacking your brain
in a tub of mushroom jizz.

Weird sh*t's gonna happen.

I need to figure this out.

From hell's heart, I dissect thee!

What? This isn't Shadow prison.

We'd be in the big house right now
if it wasn't for your big ass, dolphin!

Beakers, welding equipment,

a bodywash/shampoo/toothpaste.

We're in Reagan's lab.

There's gotta be
some mad-scientist bullshit in here

that can help me escape.

f*ck that noise.
I'm the one getting out of here.

Holy sh*t, it's Justin Timberlake

and four other men
that seem vaguely familiar.

Oh my God, it can't be.

We reunited for a gig

but then got ambushed by a robot bear.

Bear-o must've kidnapped NSYNC for Reagan

and strung them up
like the cover of No Strings Attached.

Why do you know so much about NSYNC?

- That album got me through Kosovo!
- What the hell is this?

Reagan emotional tribute
to the team, take 28.

Hey, guys, I'm prerecording this
before my first day as boss

because I'm not really all that good
with the mushy stuff.

I used to think

that I could do everything by myself,

but I can't,

and I don't want to.

I love this team.

I love Gigi and Glenn's fearlessness,

Andre's originality.

I love how Myc's shittiness
makes all of us look better in comparison.

Wow.

It's hard to tell
because her face doesn't emote,

but it kinda seems like she means it.

What I'm trying to say is...

sh*t, I gotta start over.

Hey, can we NSYNC up
with you guys for a second?

We were a team once, just like you,

but we thought we'd be better solo,
and look what happened.

I ended up a judge
in a basic-cable reality show.

I ended up selling hot dogs
and hair plugs.

I wanted to go to space.
They wouldn't let me.

And I hosted SNL five times,

played the Super Bowl halftime show,
was nominated for an Oscar,

and sold 56 million albums.

But it wasn't the same without you guys.

g*dd*mn it, NSYNC, you're right.

- We've got to save our Timberlake!
- Yeah, let's do it!

- Yeah!
- Let's do this!

Wait, aren't you gonna free us?

I have a total request, to be alive!

This lab is so cold.

So why are you taking a kid to homecoming?

Let's just say I let a friend down,
and this is my way of making it up to you.

- I mean, her.
- Sir, do you have brain damage?

The doctors are not sure.

Ew. The gifted kid's here with her dad.

Hey, I'm not her dad.

I'm her best friend
she met on the side of the road.

Ha ha. You suck!

I thought taking a child
to a high school dance

would make things better,
but it's like it just made it worse.

Who could have predicted this?

There, there. The only thing
I think you could be accused of

is caring too much

or abduction of a child,
but your heart was in the right place.

Thanks. I'm sorry I brought you here.

- It's okay. I was coming anyway.
- But I thought you didn't have a date.

Oh, I've got a date all right,

with justice!

Oh my God, it's blood!

Why would something bad
happen to someone popular?

That's for stealing all my test tubes
to use as sh*t glasses, Gretchen!

This is for the rest of you dickheads!

Oh my God.

Wait, did you just reverse-Carrie
your entire high school?

Wow, you are one resourceful,

terrifying little girl.

Hey, that's the nicest thing
anybody's ever said to me.

I'm gonna write that in my diary.

Whoa, high tech.

Don't you password protect everything?

I'm a one password kind of guy.

Me too, actually.
I've had the same password forever.

Don't really know why.

I didn't wanna have to do this,

but it's time to look for that passcode
in my repressed memories.

If I yell "puberty,"
don't ask any questions.

- Just duck, cover, and hold.
- Reagan, wait.

It could be dangerous, honey.

Sometimes information
is redacted for a reason.

If anyone knew that 9/11
was actually caused by...

See, even here I can't say it out loud.

You're hiding something.

No, I'm not.

This has to do
with those glitches, doesn't it?

What? What glitches? You're a glitch.

Why were you really sneaking into Cognito?

Why did you really not want
Brett here with us?

I'm going in.

Honey, I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to protect you.

This yarn can't hold me. It's a metaphor.

Don't go in there.
There's things you can't know.

Look at my face.

This is what knowing stuff
does to your skin!

Here comes the g*n, m*therf*cker.

Oh no.

- f*ck no.
- Ooh, okay, new plan.

How the hell
we gonna fight a k*ller robot?

I'll tell ya how.

Like I learned the day I got let go
from the fire department,

sometimes you have to fight fire
with fire.

Ah, yes, I've been expecting you.

How's that possible?

I've been staring at the door
continuously for months.

Eventually, something was bound to happen.

No, no, no, no.

We're gonna let out a homicidal robot
to fight another homicidal robot?

Duh. So they can homicide each other.

Glenn, if I look down,
you better not have a w*r boner right now.

He's got one. I'm boner height.

Hell yeah!

What makes you think
I'll help you horny idiots?

Oh, you think you're hot sh*t, don't you?

Well, I'm gonna tell you
what I told Leonardo DiCaprio

when he begged me to rig the Oscars.

If you were the best, ya woulda won.

I am the most advanced
artificial intelligence in existence!

Sure about that, honey?

Because right now,
that glorified hugging machine

is doing what you couldn't.
Handing us our asses.

A fluke. I have calculated
over 32,000 ass-handing scenarios.

Okay, well, then prove it.

Because if we all die,

you'll spend the next 2,000 years
being the smartest robot in this tube.

Or you can be my Leonardo DiCaprio,

go out there, fight with a bear
until you take home the gold.

Fine. If you guys
let me leave this tube once in a while.

I'm ready to reclaim my dignity.

This is not what I had in mind.

But fine, patch me
into your computer systems.

We're disabling external Wi-Fi.
We can't risk you launching the nukes.

Or discovering what furries are.

They're a valid community.

It's not always a sexual thing,

but usually.

Oh, there's been this one spot
on my back I could not reach.

Dr. and Mrs. Ridley,
Reagan is exceptionally gifted.

She has the highest test scores
I've ever seen.

Damn right, she does.

I brag about her to my guru all the time.

I'd be crazy not to recommend

that she skip the rest
of elementary and middle school.

- Then it's settled.
- But she's finally made a friend.

Orrin. He's my new best friend.
No offense, Bear-o.

And it might serve her well
to stay in fourth grade

so she can wean herself
off of that, uh, comfort bear.

Can't stare directly at it
per my therapist.

- Can I stay in fourth grade?
- Out of the question.

He'll weaken you with his mediocrity.

Look, he's got his shirt on backwards.

Oh God, now he's got
his tongue stuck to a pole.

But, Dad...

I had a friend?

Why would I repress that?

What is going on?

Comfort bear.

No, I need to know what happened.

I had a friend?

Oh my God.

Someone was experimenting on me?

Erasing my memories?

And it was...

Dad?!

Hey, Shitty Ruxpin,
when I'm done with you,

you'll be playing banjo
in a strip-mall pizza arcade.

Bear-o's perfect endgame,

where a kid can be a kid.

Let them fight.

You will pay for your hubris, Bear.

This is truly a toxic workplace.

Oh, you have no idea
how toxic it can get, Care Bear.

I'm not a Care Bear.

Now Bear-o stare!

Oh!

f*ck yeah!

Allow me to put this
into words you'll understand.

Get f*cked, Smokey!

Oh God! No!

No. You fools!

sh*t. He has no neck.

Stay low and close so he can't see you.

I don't wanna skip fourth grade.
What are you doing, Dad?

I'm saving you from a life
of middling achievement.

Bear-o,
dial up the dopamine levels by 15%.

Look, I know J.R.'s got it out for me.

If I'm ever axed from this company,

I need an insurance policy
to get me back in.

And if Daddy's little insurance policy
gets off track by befriending some idiot,

the Ridley empire crumbles.

Perfect.
Isolating memory patterns matching...

...Orrin Carthwait.
What kind of name is that?

I'm saving this kid
from a life in the friend zone.

What? No. Why?

And friend erased.

Goodbye, fourth grade.

Hello, youngest Nobel Prize winner ever.

Hey there, Jelly Bean.

Who's your best friend
in the whole wide world?

Uh, I don't know.

You? And Bear-o?

You f*cking...

...monster!

- Uh, Dad?
- What the...

An adult version of my daughter?

Crap, I'm a memory, aren't I?

Welp, if we're all just neurons,
might as well start early.

Now does Reagan need a hug?

Oh my God!

Guys? You came back?

You're our Timberlake, Reagan!

Turns out it's not gonna be me.
It's gonna be us!

Okay.

You literally f*cked with my head?

- Screw Bear-o! I'll k*ll you myself!
- Whoa!

Does that mean
she's not gonna help us?

I had a friend, a real friend,

and you erased him!

Big deal.

All friends do is hold people back.

I can't hold him back.

You want Bear-o
to be my only friend? Fine.

Hey, Bear-o, you win.

But if you let my friends go,

then I promise to never see
any of them ever again.

Bear-o will speed up the process.

- Oh my God!
- No! No! Stop!

Bear-o is your only friend.

Orrin! The password is Orrin!

Wait, Orrin.

That's the password! That's what I forgot!

Enter access key O-R-R-I-N.

System override.

What?

- f*ck that bear!
- Great!

Brett, you saved us!

We saved us.

Bravo, Reagan.
The way you manipulated that bear

into thinking you gave a sh*t
about your coworkers? Ha!

I do give a sh*t about them.

What I need boundaries from is you.

Okay, I hear you.

I'll order
one of those paper curtain thingies

for the living room
as soon as we get home.

There's some areas a daughter
shouldn't have to see a parent scratch.

Oh, f*ck you, Dad.
It's not your home anymore.

Oh, come on.

There are special people like us

who should run the world,

and then there's normies like Orrin,

who deliver our pizza and fight our wars.
Haven't you seen The Incredibles?

I don't give a flying f*ck
about The Incredibles!

All right, all right. I f*cked up.

I get it.
But we don't have to dwell on it.

Why don't you let me erase
both our memories of this little incident,

and we can go back to normal?

You've got 24 hours.

Pack your sh*t up,
or I'm dumping it in the Potomac.

The mole is neutralized,

so now I'm officially the boss
around here,

which means
you are never ever setting foot

in this building or my life again.

You're making a mistake.

You need me.

I'll be back.

- I'll see all you tomorrow.
- What's tomorrow?

My first real day as boss.

- All right!
- Tell 'em!

- Morning, boss.
- Sure is a fine day to still be alive.

Don't mention it, Tony.

Hey, about yesterday...

Brett, we're secretly running the world.
We're not gonna get everything right.

And you are the only one
who is honest with me,

even without any truth serum.

So we're good?

I remember what you did for me
at homecoming.

We've been good for 18 years.

Yes! Reagan forever.

- Liking the new digs?
- Thank you for moving me upstairs, Reagan.

It's not as close to world domination
as I'd like, but it's a start.

Hey, stop that.

Well, that's as much freedom
as you're gonna get with talk like that.

Time to start
my second first day.

Shadow Board.

I am honored
that you have chosen me to helm Cognito.

There's been a change
of plans. After the chaos yesterday,

we feel you may not have
enough experience to be CEO.

Experience.
Are... are you seriously keeping J.R.?

J.R. has been lying to us,
embezzling, and falsifying documents

to purchase a volcano lair.

He's been black-sited
for crimes against the Shadow Board.

No! No! Please!

I'll tell you who Banksy is!

So we've reverted
to the man with the most experience

and shares of the company to be CEO.

Oh, you can't mean...

Hey there, Jelly Bean.

No!

The Shadow Board has spoken.

How could you do this to me?

Sorry, kid. It's still Team Ridley.

It's just, you know,
I'm the team captain now.

But I get what you meant about boundaries.

Look, paper curtain thingy.
It's like you're not even in this office.

- Huh?
- Oh, you motherfuck...