02x01 - How Reagan Got Her Grove Back

[bunniefuu]

[suspenseful music plays]

And here is the White House, where

[retching]

Oh God, that drunk again.

Avert your eyes, kids!

Hey, kids, everything they teach you

in school is a lie.

The Deep State is controlled

by my shithead father.

Chemtrails trap you in the '80s,

Minions are real. I have seen one.

I have touched one with my own hands!

- [child screams]

- Oh my gosh, it's a b*mb!

Wait, are those Toblerones?

Hey, hey, Reags.

So are you You good?

I know it's your first day back

since your dad took over and all.

Of course I'm okay.

What makes you think I'm not okay?

Oh, God! [groans]

Well, you did get a tramp stamp that says

"Mommy Likey Drinky" on it.

Whoa, when did I get that?

Life is just dreams turning to entropy,

you little shits!

[laughs awkwardly]

She doesn't mean that, children!

I do mean it!

Dreams die! Santa is fake!

But student debt is real!

[sobs]

You had to learn sometime, Braden.

[PA system] Welcome to the new Cognito.

Listen to me, Brett.

My dad is an amoral sociopath.

Having him in charge

will literally destroy the world.

[construction worker yells]

Yeah. He's installed a lot of security

cameras in the women's bathrooms.

Rand Ridley is a d*ck!

sh*t talking detected.

[woman screams]

This is nauseating me, Brett,

and for breakfast I had something

called a Bud Light Lime-A-Rita.

[gasps] The refreshing Bud Light mist

with a tropical lime twist?

Yeah.

[Reagan gulps]

[can rattles on ground]

[burps]

We have to do something.

Don't worry. I mean,

Rand can't make things that different.

Listen up, peons, everything's

gonna be different around here.

and I don't give a sh*t.

[everyone gasps]

[Rand] Why are we taking orders

from mysterious robed assholes anyway?

We don't even know who they are!

From now on, we do what I say.

Cognito is gonna reclaim its glory days.

[cheering]

Then Cognito's gonna reclaim its ex-wife,

and its daughter,

and its original, beautiful hairline!

Uh, yeah?

This is going to be the most globally

damaging midlife crisis since Elon Musk.

- [Rand] Hey, get to the w*r Room, you two.

- [gasping]

Oh my God, his kimono's open.

- I can't unsee that.

- Don't barf because then I'm gonna barf.

We'll have to hold it. I'm vomiting!

[upbeat music plays]

[retching]

[all gasp]

Jesus, is that Reagan?

I have never seen someone

mistreat their body like this,

and I'm from Atlanta.

We deep-fry iced tea.

You guys know that I can hear you, right?

[Reagan groans]

I'm drunk, I'm not deaf.

Greetings, Hench-ployees.

Now that J.R.'s finally rotting away

in some shadow prison,

the Ridley regime can officially begin!

First up, my enemies list.

It's long.

Not so fast!

[thuds]

Are you guys really gonna sit here

and take orders from my dad?

In a week, he's gonna have us

assassinating Postmates drivers

for getting his Taco Bell order wrong.

The fate of the world is at stake.

Hey, the Taco Bell thing

is not a bad idea.

Intern three, write that down.

Intern four, assassinate intern three

if he writes it down wrong.

[Myc] Did you guys see they replaced

all the watercoolers with vodka?

Best day ever! [laughs]

Are you trying to Jerry Maguire us

right now? [laughs]

This must be so embarrassing for you.

Uh, sorry, Reagan.

Having one evil white guy in charge

versus another evil white guy?

Uh, not that different.

[everyone talks at once]

[Myc] I just thought J.R. got Lasik.

But

[ominous music plays]

Ah, did you really think you could

launch a coup against me, sweetie?

That's adorable.

You're just like your old man.

I am nothing like you!

[cans clatter on table]

[Myc] Oh, so this is

what rock bottom looks like.

More tropical than I thought.

Give my daughter a timeout.

Somewhere she can get her head straight.

- [Reagan grunts]

- Oh, and, uh, nothing higher than a three.

[Reagan grunts]

[panting] Reagan, wait!

Thanks for all the help out there,

Brett-adict Arnold.

This situation

scares the crap out of me, man!

Well, Brett is here

to "care" the crap out of you.

What? "Anonymous Anonymous"?

What the hell is this?

but maybe with help

you could change your outlook.

How about you keep tasing me instead?

[distorted speech]

Oops, let's switch off

those Anony-collars.

This is a safe space.

Let's go around the circle

and share why we're here.

- Hey, everyone. I'm Sasquatch.

- [all] Hi, Sasquatch.

Hi, Sasquatch.

I feel like no one cares who I am anymore.

I saw this kid in the woods the other day

and he goes, "Hey, Mom, it's Chewbacca."

f*cking Chewbacca? He's not even real.

[man] Anyone I ever get close to

goes insane.

I think it has something

to do with my relationship with my mother.

I'm former Governor Jesse Ventura,

and I wanna know some things.

Like are any of us real?

Does happiness exist?

Will I ever love myself?

I'm just asking questions!

Hello, I'm Richard.

I'm a raging alcoholic

and I think I'm at the wrong meeting.

Reagan, how about you?

f*ck, this is so lame.

Well, my dad stole my big promotion,

he erased my memories,

and I just tried to stage a coup

and nobody had my f*cking back!

Honey, I have been there.

Right now, you must be thinking,

"Do I m*rder them?"

"How many of them do I m*rder?"

Yeah, I am.

Oh, cry me a river.

Excuse me?

You know who she is, right?

That's the daughter of Rand Ridley.

Head of Cognito Inc.

[group mutter]

Yeah, Miss Nepotism case here is crying

because she has to wait

a little bit longer for her dream job.

Wow, dickbag, who the hell are you?

Okay, this is supposed to be anonymous.

Ron Staedtler. I've been wiping minds

for the Illuminati for ten years,

and in my line of work,

there are no safe spaces.

Oh God, here we go.

You think having

a few memories deleted is hard?

Try being the guy

who deletes those memories.

Then you're the only one

who has to live with them.

Wow, I thought you had to be cool

to work in the Illuminati.

- Who let this dork in? Am I right?

- [Sasquatch laughs]

And I thought you had to be smart

to work for the Deep State.

Listen, assh*le, I'm the smartest person

in this room.

Guys, now there's a talking pillow

that determines who speaks.

It's fluffy and relaxing.

I know your type.

You say you got into this job

to save the world,

but all you care about is revenge.

If you really wanted to save the world,

you'd do whatever it takes.

[dramatic music plays]

You know what, you're right.

Looks like you sad sacks

did motivate me after all.

To take down my father on my own!

[dramatic music plays]

Fine, I'm sorry for bringing a g*n

to therapy.

Again.

[suspenseful music plays]

Let's talk this week's mission.

Bohemian Grove.

Yes! Outdoor festival of the year!

It's like Burning Man

but they actually burn men!

Every year it brings together

the six societies

that secretly rule the world.

The Reptoids, the Atlanteans,

the Catholic Church,

the Juggalos, for some reason,

us, and of course,

our arch rivals, the Illuminati.

Boo!

So what's the deal

with the Illuminati again?

They're the cooler version of us.

This pompous d-bag is Dietrich Kluge,

the head of the Illuminati.

And my mortal enemy.

I hate that guy. Look how European he is.

He's always making the Illuminati

f*ck with Cognito.

[Myc] Those artsy-fartsy

Bavarian bastards!

Every year, he challenges us

to the Power Struggle.

A competition for dominance

where the loser literally

has to kiss the other guy's ring.

J.R. always lost.

Well, now that I'm in charge,

Cognito's going back on top

and here's how!

[all groan]

Why's it so detailed?

[Myc] So many balls!

I'm gonna use Reagan's nanobots

to supercharge my body,

giving me the strength,

speed and dexterity

to destroy that prick Dietrich

once and for all.

Huh. I'll show that prick in AA.

I'll ruin Rand on my own.

Oh, you're villain monologuing?

That's fun. What is that thing anyway?

It's a VR glove that can

control Rand's nanobots.

The second I activate it,

Rand will be my virtual puppet.

It seems a little far-fetched.

Could that even

- Then why are you hitting yourself?

- Ow, ow, ow!

Stop it! Jesus,

I just wanted to chit-chat.

[retches]

I'm gonna sneak into Bohemian Grove

and make sure Rand loses

the Power Struggle.

When everyone sees how pathetic he is,

he'll be fired and I,

I mean, the world, will be better for it.

[Rand laughs]

So do you have a plus-one or?

- No way in hell.

- Just checking.

[electronic static]

Who's ready to Bohemian "Groove"?

[cheering]

The annual Power Struggle

will begin shortly.

And now, please welcome the six societies!

They're a little wet,

they're a little wild,

it's the Atlanteans!

[Atlantean Gibberish]

They wear sandals and create scandals.

It's the Catholic Church!

Mamma mia, Buca di Beppo

Here comes the toast of the under-crust.

It's the Reptoids, honey!

[bat squeaks]

[gulps]

And these jokers are wild!

It's the Juggalos!

If magic is all we've ever known ♪

Woop-woop! You b*tches down to clown?

We secretly control global finance!

And next we have the losers

from last year's Power Games.

The stuffed shirts from Washington.

I doubt they even showed up.

[helicopter blades whir]

[dramatic music plays]

Top that entrance, m*therf*ckers!

[rumbling]

[mysterious music plays]

[emcee] And finally,

we saved the best for last.

The all-seeing, all-knowing,

all-partying Illuminati!

[fan 1] I love you, Jay-Z.

[fan 2] Queen Bey!

[gasps] Lin Manuel!

Illuminati confirmed!

[cheering]

Ugh. Dietrich.

Well, if it isn't the reheated leftovers

of Rand Ridley.

I thought they fired you for all of this.

- [laughter]

- He's a mess.

Dream on, Dietrich,

Cognito's more powerful than ever.

We control the president, big oil,

and I have a button

that can move the moon!

Cute! But you're still the secret society

no one's ever heard of.

The Illuminati's a name brand.

We make it rain, bitch.

Cognito controls the weather.

We literally make it rain.

Okay, boomer.

What? You're a thousand years old!

I tell you what, if you can b*at me

at this year's Power Struggle,

I won't pants you in front of the Pope

and Instagram it

for the whole shadow world.

[laughter]

You suck so hard! [laughs]

[Myc] Oh sh*t, are you Poland?

Because that German guy

straight-up owned you.

Gah!

Oh God, it's Lin Manuel Miranda. Hide me!

[gasps] Gigi! I recognize your tired face

from your application selfie.

[chuckles] You know about filters?

She applied to work at the Illuminati?

- [awkward chuckle] Only one or two

- Hundred times?

[laughter]

If you need us,

we'll be in the room where it happens.

Where what happens?

If you have to ask, honey,

you'll never know!

Ugh. That guy sucks!

No wonder people pay $2,000 on StubHub

to watch him get sh*t.

It's okay, Andre, just go have fun.

I think I saw Jimmy Carter

scooping Viagra out of a big barrel.

f*ck that, Gigi,

we're getting back at those snobs.

[Myc] Ugh,

other people's problems are boring.

Feelings are for liberals

and baseball movies.

Let's go party, Mushroom Man!

We know you naughty aristocrats

love to destroy the Earth's resources,

so get ready for our first event!

The Lumberjack-off!

[cheering]

I see you, Jair Bolsonaro.

Let the games begin!

Dietrich, how about a little toast.

I could drink to your demise.

May the best man win.

[suspenseful music plays]

All right.

Okay, Dad, the glove is on

and the gloves are off.

- [glass smashes]

- What the?

[Rand grunts]

I can't watch!

What the hell?

This isn't supposed to be happening!

Ha! Watch and see how it's done, axe-hole.

What the?

[dramatic music plays]

- [audience gasps]

- My crotch! [groans]

Well, that's what humans get

for keeping their gonads on the outside.

It's just poor breeding.

[laughter]

Wait, what the hell is happening to Kluge?

What? What the Impossible!

You son of a bitch.

but I 'Mo-wanna' more money!"

[laughs] I'm so rich!

[laughter]

Ugh. He brings so much joy to people.

It makes me sick.

But what can we do?

[sighs] If only there was a way

to give them the same crippling self-doubt

that I suffer from.

That's it, Brett!

Okay, here's what we do.

Now listen up, okay?

[Myc] Ugh! This isn't virgin blood!

Who the hell do I have to sacrifice

to get some service around here?

I thought this was the VIP section!

Yes, Visually Inconvenient People.

- [squawking]

- [gurgling]

I'm Dermot Baldwin.

I didn't know I existed either!

[Myc] You put us here because we're ugly?

I'm a decorated w*r hero!

My face is like a purple heart!

[Myc] I won't stand for this harassment,

pal. Don't walk away all sexy like that!

Oh, it ain't so bad here, strangers.

Perfect place to sit a spell

and masturbate with no one watching!

Yep, that's right,

I'm the masturbating Reptoid.

We're three of a kind!

[Myc] f*ck me.

Hey, what the f*ck

do you think you're doing here?

You're sabotaging my sabotage!

Uh, you're the smartest one in the room.

You tell me.

I'm not telling jack to a guy

who looks like an '80s supervillain.

Yeah, says teen Bill Nye.

Besides, I could ask you the same thing.

My conspiracy is none of your business.

- And what the hell are those things?

- Hey! No, get off me!

Lock and load, my pretties.

It's time for the manhunt!

[crowd chanting]

Manhunt, manhunt, manhunt!

[Reagan grunts]

- [crowd] Manhunt!

- [Reagan grunts]

- [crowd] Manhunt!

- Release the prisoner!

[both strain]

[crowd] Manhunt, manhunt!

[groaning]

Oh! Two times is so unlikely.

[groans]

Impossible!

You're pulling some pagan bullshit on me!

You let him get away, has-been!

[Reagan strains]

Hey, what are you two doing?

Would you believe

this is the second time [groans]

I've been tased today?

Judging by your personality

[groans]that sounds about right.

[both grunt]

Who would be dumb enough

to get thrown in Bohemian Grove Jail?

The righteous gotta stick together!

- Alex Jones?

- Alex Jones?

I got a plan to get us out of here,

but I need $25,000

to invest in yak testosterone supplements

that will give me,

now stay with me here,

time travel abilities!

Great, now we're stuck here

with the school-sh**ting denier

who looks like an orangutan

f*cked a fire hydrant,

because one of us couldn't keep our cool.

Brave of you to admit that.

Why were you trying

to sabotage your own company anyway?

Eh, I don't want to talk about it.

That's right, buddy,

you don't owe a woman a g*dd*mn thing.

Especially child support!

Look, we gotta get out of here

before he takes his shirt off.

Why does he do that?

Does he think it looks good?

Yeah, I think

he thinks it looks good. Truce?

Temporary truce.

I just need something I can use

to make a subliminal message.

Do you have a tape recorder?

Of course I do. I'm the only person left

who will listen to me!

Cover your ears, okay?

What in the flat world? [groans]

Nice work. Give it here.

Nepotism this!

[chuckles]

[tense music plays]

Ooh, the Atlanteans are disqualified

for the illegal use of sonar!

[angry gurgling]

Only Rand Ridley and Dietrich Kluge

remain for the final round.

I still have time to sabotage my boss.

Not if I sabotage mine first.

[man] Hey! You!

[both] sh*t!

Get them!

[tense music plays]

[Reagan grunts]

Uh, you want to tase yourself.

Tase myself.

[yells]

- Staedtler, wine bottle, now!

- Should we talk about your drinking?

To hit him with, idiot!

[guard groans]

[tense music continues]

[guard groans]

sh*t.

Quick, follow me into that owl's ass!

'Taint nothing wrong

with a-masturbating yourself in public.

Why, it's as natural as a spring day!

Stuck in the back

because of our weird faces.

No one understands our pain.

Yo, b*tches, the posse feels your pain.

They always sit us in the back.

[Myc] Probably because you're

literal f*cking clowns.

Check a mirror, my ninja.

Society is clowning on you.

You feeling disrespected?

Treated like a joke?

[groans] Our missions

do feel suspiciously like B-stories.

Here's our literature.

Recognize miracles ♪

[Myc] My God! He has the most

powerful mind I've ever encountered.

This insane clown posse is starting

to sound like a sane clown posse!

Welcome to the dark carnival, my friends.

[Juggalos cheer]

I can't believe we knocked out the Pope.

I can't believe we brainwashed Alex Jones.

[laughter]

So why'd they send you

to Anon-Anon anyway?

Oof. Oh, boy.

So, the day I was supposed

to get my Illuminati ten-year pin,

they caught me trying to drink

an entire vat of mind-erasing liquid.

Jesus, why?

In college, I was a conspiracy theorist.

I believed that behind the chaos

there must be some secret group

of geniuses that could save the world.

But look at these idiots.

[gurgling groaning]

Shadow government is just as dumb

as the regular government.

[in unison]

It's just assholes all the way down.

You were right about me, you know.

I did just want revenge.

I even came up with a 30-point plan.

[chuckles] Even your vengeance is type A.

[chuckles] Yeah.

God, why do smart people

always make dumb mistakes?

Because the smarter you are,

the better you are at rationalizing

stupid decisions.

That's why the smartest people

end up working for the worst companies.

Well, maybe not everything

is a stupid decision.

Like what?

Like this?

Oh wow, enemies to lovers.

That's never been done before.

[clears throat] Yeah, giant cliché.

As if we would do that.

- I really want to, though.

- Very much same!

[gentle music plays]

[emcee] And now, the final round.

The ancient noble competition

known as the Pissing Contest!

Watch me be number one at number one.

The only thing you'll be pissing away

is your reputation. Watch this.

- [both grunt]

- [crowd gasps]

Um Okay!

Mamma mia!

I'm clutching my pearls!

[suspenseful music plays]

- What the I didn't mean

- I didn't mean You

I mean, not unless

[cheering]

It's a draw!

A years-long feud ended

in one beautiful gesture of intimacy.

Now this is finally a party!

You will rue the day

you humiliated the Illuminati.

We see all!

See my ass, Kluge.

Cognito will bury you for this

like we buried Jimmy Hoffa!

Yo, maybe Cognito

isn't just some boomer sh*t.

- These guys are progressive as hell.

- Hey, listen up, you dicks.

Y'all Brett-y for this?

[upbeat music plays]

Oh, guys, please,

whatever this is, don't do it.

[rapping] It's time to rhyme

It's a rhyming time ♪

Your treatment of my friend is a crime ♪

Oh God.

[laughter]

That was your plan? A rap battle?

You're f*cking with the greatest rapper

of all time, son!

[tense music plays]

[scoffs]

[laughs] No, that wasn't our real plan.

I spiked everyone's drinks with LSD

over an hour ago.

[dramatic music plays]

We just needed to get you in one place

so we could watch.

What? But I've never tried dr*gs before,

I'm high on life!

Well, now you're high

on laboratory-grade brown acid.

Prepare for psychedelic ego death!

Oh God, I'm slightly overrated.

If I tweet that, people will destroy me

for saying, "Beyoncé is overrated."

Somebody get that dirt off my shoulder.

I helped bring humanity

to the point of inevitable destruction!

[groans]

I'm sorry, Gigi. I am corny,

white history teacher bullshit.

For f*ck's sake,

I wrote the intro to a Garfield book!

You can Google it.

I'll give you a job. Just make this stop!

[suspenseful music plays]

Oh, I guess I am throwing away my sh*t.

[Lin Manuel sobs]

Really? You gave up your dream job?

I already have a job

where I am the coolest in comparison.

- Aw!

- Aw!

[wailing]

I'm not the first Oprah.

Wow, I really enjoy

rivalry sex, apparently.

- Something's wrong with me.

- No, something is wrong with us.

[scoffs] Boo. Corny.

You know what? I'm done wasting my energy

trying to fight my dad.

He's just gonna f*ck things up

on his own anyway.

Maybe my next crazy plot

should be my own happiness.

At least then you might have less regrets.

[gentle music plays]

To moving forward?

To moving forward.

Wait, did you light this?

I thought you did.

[in unison]

Oh, sh*t! Someone set the owl on fire!

[dramatic music plays]

This whole thing has gone tits up.

Time to fire up the jet.

- Where the hell are Glenn and Myc?

- [Glenn] We're not leaving.

We found our family.

Life is a struggle-o,

so now I'm a Juggalo.

[Myc] Woop-woop!

Drop the hatchet

on restrictive societal expectations!

- Woop-woop!

- [cheering]

What the sh*t?

You dumbasses look insane.

Look in a mirror.

[Myc] Jesus Christ,

what the f*ck are we doing?

Why is my wallet on a metal leash?

Where would it be trying to go?

I thought we were into this!

- [Myc] We look like f*cking idiots, Glenn!

- My name isn't Glenn anymore.

It's k*ller Nugs,

and this tattoo is permanent.

Wow. We hide out in an owl

for ten minutes and

The whole place falls apart without us.

- Typical.

- Typical.

Well, I should probably get back to my

Yeah, and I should probably

get back to my

Yeah.

Two rival companies.

We could get in a lot of trouble.

Yeah, if only we were in a line of work

where we both knew how to keep a secret.

[both laugh]

Still, it's gonna be, uh, pretty stressful

hiding this whole thing.

We're probably gonna need

a lot of therapy.

- See you at the next meeting?

- I'll be there.

[romantic music plays]

Oh God. I, Alex Jones,

am secretly in love with Hillary Clinton.

Don't tell, people!

[dramatic music plays]

[man] Aha!

[laughs]

I'm free! I'm free! [laughs]

Who the hell are you?

Who the hell am I?

I'm J.R. f*cking Scheimpough.

Who the hell are you? Chewbacca?

g*dd*mn it.

[mysterious music plays]