02x02 - Whoas-Feratu

[bunniefuu]

Bulimia.

So brave.

Let's take a silent moment and

g*dd*mn it, they're at it again.

Great.

Now I'm going to have nightmares.

Yeah, I think therapy

is definitely working.

You know what?

I think I need some more therapy.

Anything you'd like

to share with the group?

Oh, yeah. I I was just looking

for my Tic Tacs, which I

Which she left in my mouth.

We left Tic Tacs in each other's mouths.

- Good save.

- Gotta commit.

Reagan, this is what we call

a coping mechanism.

If you're not careful,

it can become an addiction.

Ron isn't an addiction.

He's a healthy distraction.

We all have groping mechanisms.

I mean, uh, coping.

We were definitely coping in there.

Groping mechanisms. You dork.

Look, if you don't rejoin the group,

I'm going to One second.

Class dismissed.

Do you validate parking?

Damn it, Myc. I said rose quartz.

Glenn, feng shui that lamp.

Feng-ier, g*dd*mn it.

What's going on?

Why is there potpourri

in the document shredder?

Tamiko said she was coming by today

with some big news.

One means divorce.

Two means she's driving.

Three, a hook-up is imminent.

I lost your mother when I lost my job.

Now that I'm on top again,

she's remembered that I'm the one.

Your mother is about to walk

through that door and say

Who wants to meet my new boyfriend?

Standing on a fault line ♪

Keanu Reeves!

The star of John Wick 2 and 3?

And John Wick 4.

Sorry we're late.

We got stuck in traffic making love.

Oh, don't be vulgar. We were boning.

Well, you were right

about her finding "the one."

- You know, like from The Matrix, The One.

- Mother

fucker.

Well, he is f*cking Reagan's mother.

So yes, m*therf*cker.

Holy sh*t. Your mom is having

a sexcellent adventure with Bill and Ted?

Mom. You just got married to yourself

and now you're dating a celebrity?

How did he even get past security?

Oh, great bunch of guys.

They asked me to sign their machine g*ns.

Yeah!

Nunu and I met when he signed on

to star in the movie of my book.

We've been an A-list power couple

ever since.

I just wanted to come by and tell you

that the premiere is this weekend.

And we're all invited?

What? No, I'm just telling you.

- You must be Rand.

- Huh?

I've heard so much about your journey.

Sh, sh, sh. Let the anger go.

Here. Have a lotus.

I don't put these in my pockets.

They just grow there spontaneously.

This will never last. Tell her, Reagan.

Why should I listen to Reagan?

She's never been supportive

about my relationships.

What? I have always Uh

Mom, you can't date the pool boy.

You're just gonna get hurt.

Mom, you can't date Richard Branson.

You're just gonna get hurt.

Mom, you can't date

the entire cast of Cirque du Soleil.

Someone's going to get hurt.

That guy is juggling fire.

Actually, Mom, I've been opening myself up

to new relationships lately,

and I think

that it's beautiful that you are too.

Oh, Reagan. That is so unlike you.

In a good way.

And I want you to know that I would never

dream of trying to replace your father.

It's not totally

off the table, right?

Koko, do you mind if we head back to LA?

I'm feeling drained from squinting

meaningfully into the distance.

Of course.

He's on a Hollywood all-liquid diet.

I feel blessed to have met you

and I hope you don't mind,

but I took the liberty of replacing

all the cars in the parking lot

with new Teslas.

- Wow!

- Seriously?

I love Keanu Reeves.

New mission.

Reagan, as your boss and father,

I order you to destroy that relationship.

What? f*ck no.

It's for her own good.

Trust me. Everyone in Hollywood

is a monstrous creep

with a dark-ass secret.

Did you see how he hypnotized me?

He might not even be human.

Face it. Mom just wants young blood.

My blood's plenty young.

Last week, the doctor said your

blood was 4% cigarette ash, and 9% STDs.

I am not sabotaging Mom's happiness

because you got replaced by a hotter guy.

- Where are you going?

- I have a coping mechanism.

Yes, girl! Go get it, honey!

She's finally getting laid, right?

- Yeah.

- Definitely.

- Thank God.

- Good for all of us.

I'm gonna make a f*cking movie too.

I'm gonna show Tamiko

that I'm a badass leading man.

Leading man?

No offense, but you look

like Willem Dafoe f*cked a meth needle.

True. My years of living awesomely

have taken their toll.

Andre. You've got an hour

to whip up a youth serum.

I want my face so young

you could eat off of it.

Myc, write a badass action script

to highlight my sexiness.

I've already got the title.

The Chronicles of Rand-d*ck.

Sounded better in my head.

Glenn, teach me fight choreography.

Call me Dolphin Lundgren.

Rand, it takes more than looks

and nunchucks to make a movie.

You need names.

You're right. I need cred.

Someone whose name means Oscar gold.

Someone like

Leonardo DiCaprio.

He's an inspiration.

He taught me that recycling

is also for guys with abs.

Sold! Brett, use your natural

douche instincts to track down Leo

and get him on board.

Okay, people, like I said to Tonya Harding

when she asked me for career advice,

let's break some legs!

Let me get that.

Your arms should only be used

for realistic gunplay and hugging my mom.

Reagan. This visit was such a nice idea.

You've never wanted to hang out

with any of my boyfriends.

Well, none of them were Keanu.

I've been a fan ever since

I made my own Matrix when I was eight.

We might all still be in it.

Oh, sh**t. I forgot the rice crackers.

Be right back, Koko.

Tasteful minimalism,

a courtyard full of motorcycles.

His own private Idaho-shaped pool.

After dating so many billionaires,

his millionaire lifestyle

keeps me grounded.

Well, I'm proud of you, Mom.

Uh, what is this?

We about to k*ll a spider together?

I want you to come to the premiere with us

as my guest of honor.

Wait, really?

You always find some kind of fault

with my boyfriends,

but for once, you're supporting me.

And I want to support you.

I don't know what to say.

Say you'll get me another quinoa mimosa.

On it.

Rand was so wrong.

Hollywood people aren't creeps.

At the end of the day, they're just

Keanu?

What was that?

Is Keanu Reeves some kind of a vampire?

Are vampires real?

Am I spiraling? Is all of this out loud?

Reagan, is everything all right?

You look like you've seen a ghost,

or an adjacent undead creature.

Excuse me. I was just drinking

a box of Juicy Juice.

Keanu, I just invited Reagan

to be our guest at the premiere.

She's so excited, she's sweating.

Uh, yeah, this is not gonna suck.

I mean, bite. I mean, let's do it!

When you see the movie, Reagan,

you will just die.

Oops! Down, Keanu.

I named my cat Keanu after the movie Keanu

about a cat named after me, Keanu.

Quiet on the set.

That includes thinking.

I'm psychic, you idiots.

Gigi, random question,

but is it normal for celebrities

to get blood transfusions in, um, coffins?

I got a better question.

Are you getting laid?

'Cause, girl, you are glowing.

I got some outfits

that'll match that horny glow.

What? No. Why are you always

trying to make me over?

Why does Banksy want to make art

out of boring walls?

The challenge.

Listen, my mom is in big trouble.

Can you help me dig up any dirt

on Keanu Reeves?

I could try, but dark Hollywood sh*t

is the Illuminati's turf

and those assholes

won't let me near their headquarters.

The Illuminati, huh?

VIP entry ♪

'Cause you know what I'm into ♪

Okay, Brett. Remember the plan.

Track down Leo DiCaprio,

lure him into Rand's movie,

and become his best friend.

Who's ready to party like Ed Hardy?

Ooh.

Excuse me, broseppi,

does my boy Leo D still hang out here?

Yeah, not since he won his Oscar.

But he left a bunch of garbage behind.

Those guys?

Tobey Maguire, David Blaine,

Lukas Haas, and Q-Tip,

his old crew, aka the p*ssy Posse.

The legendary pickup artists

from the early aughts?

I thought my older brother made them up.

Where are you going?

Don't make me hold my breath

till you come back.

I've done dumber things for much longer!

Wazzup, home dogs.

Looks like you're one white dude

short of a full posse.

David disappeared Connolly

in a magic accident.

R-I-P.

Yo, don't step to me, Tobey.

I'll turn you back into an owl.

Well, I've been known

to have a few tricks up my sleeve too.

Check this out.

This is the life, huh?

Agh!

Hmm.

Just guys being dudes.

I admire your shamelessness.

What did you say your name was?

It's Blaive Brett ford stein.

Blaive Brettfordstein.

Hm. We've been b*rned before, Blaive.

Some people think they can use us

to get to Leo.

What? I would never.

But if we hang out,

I will meet him, right?

First you got to prove

you're posse material.

p*ssy Posse party protocol.

His muscles, huge.

His alcoholism, charming.

He's ready to get back together.

If you can handle it.

Yippee-ki-yay, mother of my child.

Cut.

He's jiggling in the wind.

Can we turn the fans down?

g*dd*mn it! This company managed to

cover up Mr. Rogers' Vietnam sn*per count.

Can't we cover up my f*cking man boobs?

Andre! I need that youth serum.

Are you sure?

I didn't check the expiration date

on these stem cells.

I'm not getting any younger,

and neither is my scrotum.

If he dies, I get the Army.

No fair. I want the Army!

Holy sh*t! I look 25 to 30,

and check out that ass.

I don't want to, but I can't stop staring.

Writers. I want 20

No, 30 more sex scenes.

Already so many. g*dd*mn it.

You know a man on the inside

of the Illuminati?

This is some Deep Throat sh*t.

We don't know each other very well.

- Reagan.

- Gigi, this is my source, Staedtler.

Oh, you two are banging, aren't you?

- What?

- What? No.

- No, we are not.

- I'm sorry. Gross.

- No offense.

- Does anybody else say that?

Why would you think that?

This really is

some Deep Throat sh*t. I love it, honey.

Gigi. He's from a rival company.

You can't tell anyone.

About the banging?

Definitely not about the banging.

Can everyone stop

saying the word "banging"?

Shh!

I grabbed every Keanu file

in the Illuminati archive.

Okay, that's Keanu now,

and here he is in Bram Stoker's Dracula

in 1992.

He's barely aged a day.

How old are these photos?

And who are all these women?

Hollywood Immortals?

The Illuminati has spread their message

using the charisma of actors

for centuries, but get this.

They found a way to keep them alive

so their star power never dies.

Hollywood's leading men

are making themselves immortal

using the blood of young women!

They're all hundreds of years old.

Every ageless leading man is one of them.

Nicolas Cage, Brad Pitt, Larry David,

and the most bloodthirsty of them all,

Leonardo DiCaprio.

That's why they all date

19-year-old models

who we never see again.

For their blood!

sh*t. I have to go to my next cleanup job.

Someone on the Internet found out

Margot Robbie is CGI.

Call me later?

Reagan, you've gotta tell Tamiko

the truth about Keanu Reeves

before he drinks her

through a crazy straw.

I can't.

If I tell her, she's just gonna assume

I'm being old unsupportive Reagan.

It'll just drive them closer together.

Mom is gonna have to find out

from somebody that she trusts.

g*dd*mn it, Rad Ridley.

You punched the president to death.

You better not be

having hot sex right now.

The flag's not the only thing

at half-mast.

Huh? Wait, what the hell is going on?

sh*t. f*cking f*ck. f*ck!

Okay, that's a cut.

sh*t! Andre!

You only gave me an hour

to make the serum.

Well, our continuity is f*cked.

You seem like the kind of guy

who cares about continuity.

It's the only thing that matters.

Before you Benjamin Buttoned me,

I was well on my way to smashing

box office records and my wife.

Now, I just have a powerful urge

to smash brightly-colored blocks together.

I want an Oscar!

How? At this rate,

we're filming g*dd*mn Boss Baby.

Well, this baby is still your boss,

and I'll kick your d*ck through your head

unless we finish this movie.

Don't forget I have the nuclear codes.

Furthermore

Wah!

Where the f*ck

is Brett with DiCaprio?

All right, Blaive,

to prove you're Leo material,

go run game on those 9.7s at the bar.

Hey, I'm Blaive.

I like your Birkin.

My mom had one like it for her pills.

Oh my gosh.

You're so sweet and hot,

but, like, non-threatening, like a cousin,

but still kind of hot.

Whoa. What's that thing he's doing

while he's waiting to talk?

I think he's listening.

Sorcery!

Blaive, what's your secret?

Well, first off, one helpful tip

is to think of a woman as a person.

- Did he just say that?

- My mind is blown.

Everything I know is wrong!

Womanizing is our entire identity.

Could we even still call ourselves

the p*ssy Posse?

You sure can, with one of these.

I'm getting on Etsy.

How about we go show off

our newfound wisdom to Leo, huh?

Sorry, Blaive. Truth is, Leo kicked us

to the curb when he won that Oscar.

"Never let go" my ass.

He's got a new posse now.

Oh, okay. Well, do you know

where they hang out?

Hell yeah, is this "Baby Shark"?

Did you know the guy who wrote

"Baby Shark" k*lled his wife in 1998?

Oh, this song is horseshit.

Play it again, though.

We got coordinates on Leo.

Then let's go sh**t that fight scene.

Okay, but I think we should bring boostie.

No boostie!

Keanu's on the move.

Go break up with your mom.

How do I look?

Vaguely Asian, but not in the way

that threatens Middle America.

Perfect. Whoa. Whoa. Wow.

No, that's Owen Wilson.

Whoa. Okay. I've got it.

Nunu? You just left. And why are you

ringing your own doorbell?

Uh, because I need this to be official.

Tamiko, I'm breaking up with you.

What? But we just made passionate love

in the Idaho pool.

Look, fine.

You need to leave because I'm actually

a 400-year-old Immortal

and I want to suck your blood.

Oh my God, I understand.

This is sexy role-play.

Suck me dry, you immortal f*ck demon!

Agh, Mom. Stop it!

Oh, sh*t.

Wait. Mom?

Reagan! I should have known.

You've been judging me

this entire time, again.

No, this is different.

Keanu is some kind of science vampire.

I can prove it.

How could you do this?

I finally found a keeper.

Yeah, a Crypt Keeper.

You're just like your father.

You won't work on our relationship,

but there's no amount of work you won't do

to make sure I'm not happy.

- That is not what

- Just go.

And do not show your face

at tonight's premiere.

Or Keanu's face.

The premiere!

She's going to walk

right into a den of A-list vampires.

I'm all out of options.

If I want to save my mom,

I have to do what The Lake House couldn't.

k*ll Keanu Reeves.

We need to infiltrate that premiere

and get to Keanu before it's too late.

But how?

The only way in is to walk the red carpet,

and when they see someone as hot as me,

all those camera flashes

will attract attention.

I don't have frumpy privilege

like you, Reagan.

men will look at you

the way they look at me. Briefly.

And done.

Wow, I hate it.

I want to cyberbully myself.

Do you really think this'll work?

Oh, yeah. In Hollywood,

being a rumpled woman over 30

is basically an invisibility cloak.

- Emma Stone!

- Over here!

Tell me about La La Land.

Do you see anyone?

My eyes can't really focus.

- Does this look like anything?

- Just an empty red carpet. Weird.

Damn, I could

get used to being unremarkable.

Yeah. I'm so lucky.

Look!

I need a private moment to unflex my abs.

Be right back, Koko.

Keanu's headed towards the restroom.

Keep watch. I'm going after Keanu.

Bull. Gigi never gets to k*ll anybody.

Happy Birthday, Keanu. Happy ♪

Catch you at a bad time, Keanu?

To quote myself,

whoa, what are you doing here?

Saving my mom!

You know my secret, but I'm warning you.

I know kung fu.

Yeah, I know.

It's one of two things

people know about you.

They also know I do my own stunts.

That doesn't scare me.

I'm a pan-denominational Buddhist.

Buddhists still bleed!

Exactly. There were times

when I felt like the book was writing me.

Holy follow-up question.

Would you consider yourself a genius?

No, no.

But yes.

- Keanu? Reagan?

- sh*t!

I told her not to come.

Fake rain? This just seems expensive.

And in the desert. So wasteful.

Have some garlic, Keanu.

No! Where did you get that?

Olive Garden.

"When you're here, you're family."

All right, Keanu, time to eat your stake.

White oak. You did your homework.

I f*cking love homework. And my mom.

I love her too, Reagan.

Reagan. What are you doing?

It's all right, Tamiko,

she's just protecting you.

Everything Reagan said is true.

For hundreds of years,

I've been a blood-sucking Immortal,

until now.

You're not gonna try

to suck out my mom's blood?

I lied about being a vampire,

but not about loving Tamiko.

I'm done with immortality.

I finally found the woman

I want to grow old with.

Oh, Nunu.

We've heard enough!

Leonardo DiCaprio!

Nicolas Cage,

Bradley Cooper,

Johnny Depp!

Oh God, we've stumbled

right into their lair.

I knew you were getting soft, Keanu.

You've been dating

age-appropriate women for years.

That's as disgusting

as only wearing one scarf.

If audiences see you getting older,

they'll get suspicious

about the rest of us.

Except Tom Cruise.

Yeah, that guy is f*cking bulletproof.

You guys are so bogus.

Tamiko is a national treasure.

Good thing I know how to steal those.

Mom!

Before we k*ll Keanu,

one last ceremonial bloodletting

with his 40-something girlfriend.

And oh!

Prepare to be Leonardo decapitated.

Hey, Romeo, hands off my wife!

Well, if it isn't my old crew

and some hideous baby man.

Dad?

He's turned himself

into a literal man-child.

Way to turn subtext to text, Rand.

My therapist would love this.

I did it to impress you.

To show you that I was younger, hotter,

and had more Oscars than Keanu.

Looks like the D-listers

crashed the party.

We've evolved, Leo.

You can't bully us, or this single father

and his d*sfigured baby.

Andre, downzies.

Myc, grab the camera.

Rolling!

I'm kicking your ass.

Get ready for a bloodbath!

That's it.

Blood.

Reagan, what are you doing?

Something I've had recurring dreams about.

Finally stabbing my father!

Ouchies!

You fools.

Baby blood is only gonna make me stronger.

Not this baby.

You just mainlined enough bad choices

to age you a thousand years.

- My blood type is O sh*t.

- What?!

Drink up, pretty boy.

That sh*t is hundred proof Ridley.

You can't do this to me!

I'm the king of the world!

At least he d*ed

doing what he loved. Composting.

I got it in the can!

I give this movie three stars.

Very confusing.

Sorry I lied, Tamiko.

But I meant everything I said.

I'm ready to give up immortality for you.

Oh, that's

You're sweet, but

Bye!

Hey. Sorry for all the

Um Ah, f*ck it.

Well, guess I better

start dressing my age.

You and me both, brother.

I can't believe the whole A list is gone.

I'm proud that the last thing Leo saw

was his posse

growing into mature, decent men.

It's okay. We have a new leader.

Sorry, guys. My name's actually Brett,

and I already have a posse.

The deep state.

Impossible!

A masterful illusion.

Damn, dude, this whole time,

you were running game, on us.

Then you've learned my final lesson, bros.

Please, Brett, don't forget us.

Call me Blaive.

Hey. Sorry I ruined your premiere

and tried to m*rder your boyfriend.

I guess Keanu was a good guy after all.

No, I'm sorry.

Seeing my only daughter

risk her life like that,

I-I realized you have been supporting me

this whole time by trying to protect me.

Exactly. It's not that I don't want you

to be happy.

It's just you have horrible taste in men.

Dad, Buzz Aldrin, actual monsters.

I get it now.

You m*rder*d every leading man

in Hollywood because you love me.

And I always will.

Wait, did you break up with Keanu

because he was a vampire,

or because you discovered

he was way older than you thought he was?

Reagan. Can't it be both?

He's better

than you remember.

He'll have you saying Kean-who?

Tell the president I'm on my way.

I am not

putting my name on this. I quit!